Previously in the Darklyverse: Marlene started to spiral after losing her relationships with Mary, Sirius, and Remus. Mary hid her true feelings for Marlene. Remus and Sirius pursued a romantic relationship in spite of Sirius's sexual orientation (heterosexual/panromantic, although he doesn't quite have the vocabulary to express this).

xx

February 28th, 1978: Remus Lupin

"I'm worried about Marlene," says Remus.

It costs him something to admit this to Sirius. His life would be so much simpler if he could just enjoy the relationship he's in without giving a damn about Sirius's ex, but he does give a damn about Marlene, and he can't help but notice that she seems to be spiraling.

For his part, Sirius looks—well, "concerned" isn't the word Remus would use to describe him. "She broke up with me, remember? I'm not going to spend my time feeling guilty for someone getting hurt when I didn't do anything to her."

"I'm not saying you should feel guilty, but as her friends—"

"Are we that? Are we her friends still? Because I'm pretty sure she burned both those bridges weeks ago," says Sirius.

"And we're just going to let her?" Remus presses. "She left you, she left me, she even left Mary—basically the only person she'll allow in her life right now is Lily, and she's got more going on than just Lily should have to support."

"That's her problem. She made her choice, Moony. If it's so hard on her to lose all her friends, maybe she should, I don't know, spend some effort apologizing and asking to get us back."

"That's harsh, man. Do you really resent her that much?"

"I don't resent her. If she hadn't done what she did, I wouldn't be with you right now, and I'm really glad I'm with you," says Sirius, squeezing Remus's hands. "I just have spent much too much of my life already groveling to this woman without holding her accountable for any of her choices."

"Haven't you ever pushed anyone away because you were hurting?" Remus argues.

"Well, I pushed away my family when they turned out to be psychotic bigots, but that's a little different."

"Padfoot…"

"What?" Sirius retorts. "You're the one who interrupted 'alone time' to ask about my ex-girlfriend. Not sexy, by the way."

It's still daytime, but they're sitting together in the dormitory, which (only during daylight) is about the only place Remus and Sirius can get any privacy to be together. "I just feel like we should be doing something to show her that we're still here for her if and when she decides she needs more than just Lily to survive."

"Honestly, Moony, I think that would just come across as patronizing if you tried. She's not going to want support from the people who cheated on her."

"But you didn't cheat on her! I mean, there was one kiss, but—"

"I know," says Sirius, "but it looks bad from her point of view, whatever way you slice it. Anyway, I have a new boyfriend now, and if you don't mind, I'd like to focus my attention on him instead."

"I'm your boyfriend now?" Remus mumbles.

Sirius's eyes widen a little. They haven't actually used any labels for their relationship up until this point—Remus had been figuring that Sirius didn't feel ready to commit just yet. "Yeah," Sirius says now, "I guess you are. If—if you want to be, that is?"

"I—yeah. Yes, I want to be," says Remus, and he's laughing nervously a little.

Sirius swoops in and kisses Remus at that moment, and Remus is almost—almost—able to forget all the things he's worried about. They've been kissing for a while, robes coming undone and breath laboring, when Sirius's thighs clamp onto one of Remus's and he—

"We should slow down," says Remus, even though he really, really doesn't want to. "We said we were going to go slow."

"Slow. Right. Good." Sirius tears himself away and flops down on the mattress. Remus follows him down, shifting so that they're at eye level. "Hey."

"Hey," says Remus. He feels like he should be apologizing or something, even though he's pretty sure that Sirius would shush him down if he tried. "What are you thinking?" he asks instead.

Remus isn't expecting Sirius to look devastated by the question. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to," he adds, and Sirius nods with that same distressed look on his face, like everything they stand for is ruined.

"Did you want to go back downstairs and find the others? It's almost lunchtime."

"No," says Sirius softly. "Not yet. Give me just a few more minutes with you before we go and deal with them."

He wraps an arm around Remus, who shivers and scoots as close as he can on the mattress. "Fine with me," he mumbles, resting a hand on Sirius's cheek.

He's probably spending too much time with Sirius. He doesn't mean alone time—they haven't actually had a lot of that—but wherever Sirius goes, Remus goes, and that's probably going to catch up to him eventually when he realizes that he doesn't know who he is outside of Sirius. But in the meantime, it's just—he was avoiding Sirius for so many months that it feels amazing to get him back, not just as a friend, but as a boyfriend. He just wants to savor it for a while. Is that so much to ask?

He doesn't try to start talking to Marlene again—he doesn't agree with Sirius's judgment, but he also knows that if he tries to let her in, she's just going to lash out, and Remus doesn't particularly feel like dealing with that. He does, however, track down Mary the next day and ask her, "You weren't planning on trying to talk to Marlene anytime soon, were you?"

"Not even a little bit," says Mary, sounding disgusted. "Why, what do you need her for?"

"I just want to make sure she's okay, that's all. I don't think it would go over well coming from me."

"If you really wanted her to be okay, you wouldn't be dating Sirius right now." Remus frowns, and Mary immediately adds, "That wasn't really fair of me. Sorry. It's just been a long—well—it hasn't been easy lately."

"I'm sorry, Mare. I know she was your best mate, and I know you felt… well… I know what you felt for her."

He doesn't dare say out loud in front of everybody in the common room that Mary is in love with Marlene, but he knows she knows what he's talking about from the shadow that passes over her face. "It doesn't matter," she says, and there's a hard edge to her voice. "What, like she was ever going to—to feel it back? Maybe this is a good thing for me. Maybe I can finally get the space I need to just, like, stop."

"Is it working yet?" Remus asks. He's invested in the answer, not just because he cares about Mary's well-being, but because he's a little worried he's setting himself up to need to do the same thing with Sirius someday.

"No," snorts Mary, "but I'll let you know if that changes."

"Mary…" She raises her eyebrows. "I'm just sorry I got my person and you didn't get yours," Remus sighs.

One corner of Mary's mouth turns up. "That's okay. It's not your fault. Anyway, I'm dating Reg now, remember?"

"But is it really Reg who you want to be with?"

Her silence is all the answer Remus needs.

xx

Now that it's March and the N.E.W.T.s are three months away, Remus's classes have gotten even more rigorous, if that's possible, with his professors assigning even more homework than they had been. Consequentially, he and Sirius end up spending increasing amounts of time with their textbooks out in the common room, scratching out essays and practicing human Transfiguration on James and Peter. "If I die of stress, let it be known that my death was entirely McGonagall's fault," Sirius declares on Thursday evening, stretching his arms out in front of him. "I can't believe that I still have half a meter left before I'm done with this report. I can't wait until we take our N.E.W.T.s and graduate and we never have to write another essay ever again."

"Have you given any thought to what you want to do when school is over?" asks Remus, because they haven't actually talked about this but probably should.

"Man, I just want to help with the war," says Sirius. "I've got the rest of my life to sort out what I want to do with it. Who I want to be right now is someone who's making a difference in the biggest thing happening out there."

"I get that," says Remus, setting down his quill for the moment and flexing his fingers. "It's hard for me to imagine what I'm going to do, too, but more so because werewolf legislation is going to make it almost impossible for me to get hired anywhere."

"That's a tough break, Moony," says Peter with a frown.

Sirius reaches over to rub Remus's knee with his wand hand, and James and Peter immediately begin whooping. Remus rolls his eyes, plants a hand on the back of Sirius's head, and pulls him into a kiss. "There," he says while Peter and James cheer. "Are you happy now?"

"Very," sniggers James, and Remus rolls his eyes again.

But Sirius is waggling his eyebrows at Remus, who quickly informs the others, "We'll be upstairs for a while." He takes Sirius's hand and leads him up to their dorm, starting to undo Sirius's robes hardly as soon as the door closes behind them.

Sirius gives a strangled kind of moan as he leans in and kisses Remus again and again and again, so much that Remus feels like he can't get enough air, not that he wants Sirius to stop. "Thought we—were going to—take things slow," Remus breathes out in between kisses while untucking and unbuttoning Sirius's shirt.

"Too much talking," says Sirius. From the way it feels and sounds, he's ripped something on Remus's robes, but Remus couldn't really give a damn about it.

They wind up in Remus's bed (which is cleaner), frantic hands on bare chests, and Sirius has just started to grind down on Remus's leg when he abruptly pulls all the way away, turning to face out and everything. "Padfoot?" Remus asks, but he doesn't answer. "Sirius?"

"Sorry," says Sirius, and he sounds so defeated that Remus puts his hands on Sirius's shoulders and makes him turn back over so he can see his face.

"It seems like we're starting to make this a habit," says Remus, and he smiles so that Sirius will know he's not mad.

"I know. I'm sorry. It's just…" Sirius seems to steel himself because something closes behind his eyes and he adds, "It's nothing you should have to worry about. It's my fault."

"What's your fault?"

Sirius shrugs helplessly. "I just… I…"

"Sirius, really."

"I, um—everything we've been doing—I've really liked all of it. It feels good, and—it's nice."

"But?" Remus asks, bracing himself.

"Well—I want to do more than that with you. I do. I just—I just wish that 'doing more' meant… um…"

Something clicks, and even as he burns hot all over, Remus says, "Are you saying you would only want to have sex with me if I had a vagina?"

"I mean, that's not what I would… well… I don't know. Maybe I'd be okay if we tried it, but the thought of it just… isn't what I want."

"I thought—but you said you were attracted to me." Part of Remus can't believe that they're having this conversation, but a larger part thinks he got off easy, getting these last few weeks with Sirius without having to worry about the sex stuff. Didn't he know going in that Sirius was attracted to women?

"I am attracted to you! I like being with you and kissing you and thinking about our future together and—and everything. Everything we've done, I've liked. But then I think about… that, and it's like… I don't know. I don't know why I want some things but not others."

"You—you think about our future together?"

"Every day," Sirius promises. "We're going to be broke as hell, but we're going to be happy—or, at least, I picture us happy. I want us to be happy. And I can go without—the stuff I don't want. You know? We don't need to have that. It's not the important part."

"But—I want it. It matters to me."

Sirius looks completely torn, and Remus wishes he weren't the arsehole who needs things his partner can't give him, but, well, there they are. "We can try stuff slowly," says Sirius. "We can take it one thing at a time and see what's good and what's—less good."

"But," says Remus, hating himself, "I don't want to be in a relationship where everything we do is—is carefully meted out like you not wanting to do it is the default expectation. That's not really fair to either of us."

"You can't be breaking up with me over this," says Sirius. "You can't be. We didn't go through everything we went through just to break up because of sex stuff. It's not important—not compared to everything you mean to me. I can't go back to us avoiding each other forever. I don't want to go back to that."

"I don't want to go back, either," says Remus, and he feels a little relieved. If he doesn't want it, and Sirius doesn't want it, then surely that's not going to be what they land on, is it?

"Then what are we going to do?" Sirius begs.

And Remus doesn't have an answer.