Previously in the Darklyverse: Mary maintained a relationship with Reginald Cattermole in spite of being in love with Marlene, with whom she had a falling out. Remus and Mary confided in each other about all things related to Sirius and Marlene. Sirius and Remus agreed to navigate more physical intimacy together.

xx

April 13th, 1978: Mary Macdonald

Mary has been so sucked up into her drama with Marlene lately—the fighting, the avoiding, how she feels about the fighting and avoiding—that she's almost forgotten to be worried about her other problems in life. Case in point: her relationship with Reginald Cattermole is getting more and more serious, but he's not actually the person Mary loves.

Sure, she likes Reg just fine. He's kind and thoughtful and charming in a hapless sort of way, and she enjoys being in his company. But—that's about the extent of what she feels for him. Sure, if they broke up, she would miss him the way she she would miss any friend who fell out of contact, but she doesn't really feel like she needs Reg, like something would be missing from her life without him—unlike the way it is with Marlene.

Yeah, she was messed up for a while when she and Reg broke up that one time last year, but she needed the symbol of Reg more than she needed Reg himself—when he broke up with her, she lost the thing she was clinging to that proved she was worthwhile and straight and more than the vapid, shallow person she'd come to be known as. Besides, when she was spiraling out of control, he left, and she had so little anger about it that she took him right back this year as soon as he was interested—almost like he didn't mean enough to her to warrant any anger.

Marlene Mary feels like she needs. To be frank, she feels like she's barely functioning without the knowledge that Marlene cares about her and wants her in her life. She told Lily that she can handle hearing about how Marlene is doing, but she can't, really—she's just putting up a front because no one can know the way Mary really feels about her.

So she's caught off guard when she's walking the grounds with Reg one day and he says, "So, uh, have you given any thought to what we're going to do after Hogwarts?"

"Well, yeah. I want to be a wizarding naturalist—study plants and beasts and stuff," Mary starts to say, but Reg shakes his head.

"I know, but—I meant about you and me. Together."

"Oh," says Mary, but she's still not sure she's following. "I mean, I'll probably have to travel for work a lot, but that's easy in the wizarding world; there's Floo powder and Apparition and everything. I'll still see you in my downtime."

"I know, but I was thinking… um…" Mary waits patiently. "D'you—would you like to get married?"

"Married? Right after Hogwarts? Aren't we a little young for that?"

"Well, yes, but—that's not unusual anymore, you know, with the war going on. I don't have a ring yet, but I can get one. I just… you're Muggle-born, and I just think we shouldn't be waiting just to wait when at any moment…"

Mary—this is what she wanted, isn't it? So why does she feel like there's a pit opening up in her stomach? "I need some time to think about it, okay?" she finally says. Reg looks like he's about to start arguing, so she adds quickly, "I'm not saying no. And I don't think it's a bad idea. It's just a lot to commit to when, like, it's not something we've ever talked about before."

"That's fair," Reg mumbles, and something about the tone of his voice makes Mary stop walking and grab his hands.

"Hey. I love you for asking, okay? I'm just—digesting."

"I love you too," says Reg, "very much."

"Just give me a little time. Let me talk to, uh, Emmeline about it."

"You and McKinnon are still on the outs, then, huh?"

Honestly, she'd been about to say Marlene's name when she remembered that the two of them aren't on speaking terms anymore. "It's for the best," she says, lying her arse off. "She's too hotheaded, too—stubborn."

"It's probably for the best," Reg says bracingly. "The Gryffindors have always been kind of, well, snooty. And everybody knows they're all mixed up with Liz's death last year, and I just—I think you're better off without them, without getting involved in all of that. I was really glad when you told me that you were stepping back from them."

"Yeah, well," says Mary, who doesn't dare disagree.

Basically the only person she can confide in about Reg's question without having to hide the context is Remus, so she tracks him down at dinner and pulls him outside before they go back to the common room. "Reg wants us to get married," she says, straight to the point.

"Oh, wow. That's really—that's big."

"Yeah, I know. I didn't want to say yes just, like, to placate him, you know? I told him I need some time to think about it."

"So what are you thinking?"

"Well—this is going to sound horrible, but it's not like anything is ever going to happen with Marlene, and if that can't happen… I could do a lot worse than Reg."

"That's not horrible," Remus insists. "Sure, it's cynical, but… okay, maybe it's a little horrible." Even though Mary said it first, she still feels a little ashamed bubble in her stomach. "Do you think you could be happy with him, though? Putting aside the fact that he's not Marlene, can you picture spending a lifetime with him?"

"I mean… he's sweet. I like that he's sweet. It's not like I don't even like him; I just… the burning feeling isn't there with him, I don't know. But I enjoy being in his company, and I think I would be okay waking up next to him every day."

"Right," he says. "Not to cop out, but really, you're the only person who can tell what the right decision is. I think you're going to have to weigh how important it is to be in love with him as opposed to just loving him, because I think you do love him, but that might—not be enough."

Mary sighs. "I want it to be enough. I want to be pure and good and love him back the way he loves me."

"Mare, you're not a—some kind of deviant for being in love with Marlene."

"No, but I'm in love with someone who isn't my boyfriend, and that's not really fair to anybody, including him—including me."

"So you're saying you don't think you should marry him?"

"I'm saying I don't know. I just want to be fair, and I want to be happy. I think I could be happy with him—it's not like Marlene is going to start wanting me anytime soon—but I don't know if it would be fair."

"I think it's good to be realistic with yourself about what you can and can't have. Being with Marlene isn't an option, so you can either be with Reg or be alone. I don't think it would make you a bad person to be with Reg if that's realistically your option that will make you the happiest. You shouldn't have to force yourself not to see anybody for as long as you're interested in Marlene."

"God, you don't think I'm going to love her forever, do you?"

Remus shrugs. "I think it's unlikely, but I don't think anyone can say for sure. I think you'll love her in your own way forever, sure, but that doesn't mean you'll be in love with her all that time."

"I hope I'm not. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I just want to be with Reg and be happy knowing that—I'm with someone who loves me that way."

"Then I think you have your answer," says Remus, and he reaches over to squeeze her hand. "I'm sorry you don't get to have your fairytale ending, Mary."

"It's okay. At least one of us gets to be with their person," says Mary, smiling. "How are things with Sirius, anyway?"

"Good, mostly. The only problem is—well—he won't have sex with me."

"…Okay. A little surprising, given that he and Marlene did it so often, but not at all unusual for our age."

"No, I mean—because I'm a boy. He says he likes kissing and stuff, but he doesn't want… to go there."

"How can he have feelings for you if he's not sexually attracted to you? How can he not be sexually attracted to you but still enjoy physical things like kissing? I mean, what—?"

"Yeah, that's about where I'm at with it, too," says Remus. "He swears he wants to be with me, so we're… making it work the best we can. We've been trying some stuff—not a lot of stuff, because we don't get a lot of alone time, but some stuff—and he lets me know if it's good or not."

"That sounds—kind of crushing for your self-esteem, actually. Are you okay with it?"

"Well, of course I want my boyfriend to be attracted to me and enjoy doing—stuff—but if that isn't an option, then at least I know he really loves me, enough to want to make it work around the complications, right?"

"Yeah," says Mary absently. It's just occurred to her that if she marries Reg she's going to have to start sleeping with him.

When they head back to the castle, she gets to Gryffindor Tower and goes up to the dormitory, wanting some alone time to think about Reg and sex and marriage and all of it—but instead, she finds Marlene, alone, sitting on her bed and scribbling in a journal.

"I didn't realize you'd started a diary," says Mary dumbly.

Marlene startles and looks up. "I haven't. Not really. This is just…" She gestures helplessly, then closes the journal with a snap and sets it down on the bedspread.

It's the first time she's been alone with Marlene without them screaming at each other in a while now, and she doesn't want to start fighting again, but—what in god's name is she supposed to say? It's not like she's not still pissed. It's not like she's not still hopelessly in love.

"Reg wants to get married," she says eventually.

"Oh. Congratulations," says Marlene flatly. "That makes one of us."

Mary feels like smashing her head against something hard, and she says, "I'm not in love with him, Marlene. I'd give him up in a second to make things right with you."

It just sort of slips out, and it's a lot closer than Mary would like to a love confession, but Marlene doesn't seem to pick up on the implications of what Mary is saying. Instead, Marlene says, "I can't be around you for a while, Mare. I just can't. But… someday, I'd like to make things right with you, too."

"I don't know how things got so messed up," admits Mary, "but I still…"

She's very, very close to telling Marlene everything—that all of her jealousy is just a manifestation of being in love with someone she knows she can't ever have. But then Marlene breaks Mary's focus and says, "Yeah. Me, too."

There's no way in hell that Marlene actually knows what Mary feels about her or reciprocates it, but Mary's not about to admit this. She gives Marlene a long look—her black skin, her coily hair, her brown eyes that pierce so deep but miss so many important details, like the way Mary feels about her. "Take care of yourself, Lene," she says, and she turns tail and flees.