Previously in the Darklyverse: James's parents died of spattergroit. The Gryffindors studied for their N.E.W.T.s and started thinking about their careers after Hogwarts. Alice was named valedictorian. Mary got engaged to her boyfriend, Reginald Cattermole.

xx

May 31st, 1978: James Potter

James still can't believe that he's heading into his graduation from Hogwarts without his parents alive to see it. After the memorial was over and he got back to the castle from running around taking care of his parents' affairs all weekend, it's like life for everyone else just went right back to normal, back to what it was when Charlus and Dorea Potter were still living their lives in the world, but they're not, and nobody seems to care but James.

That's not entirely true: his best mates know and care and keep checking in to see how he is, even though the answer is always the same, that he doesn't know how to live in a world without them. He feels like he spends most of his time carefully constructing a façade that everything is fine and good and normal, only to spend the slim remainder of his time totally breaking it down and falling apart. Only the Marauders and Lily have had the pleasure of seeing him this way—he only really shows what he's going through when he's up in the dormitory away from the public eye, and they're the only ones who really ever go up there with him.

They don't really say anything particularly helpful—that they're sorry and it's not fair and his parents would want him to be happy if they were here. They're not here, of course—that's the whole problem—but it's nice just to hear the words from Lily and the blokes and remember that someone believes in a world that James could want to live in, even if James himself doesn't.

It's just James's luck that his parents would die pretty much right smack before his N.E.W.T.s happen, because he can barely concentrate long enough to do any of the studying he's supposed to be doing so that he doesn't flunk his tests and get barred from the prospect of getting a real job when he gets out of here. Of course, James doesn't even know whether he wants a real job. It's not like he needs the income, with the massive inheritance he's just received from his parents, and he doubts he has the focus to learn a new job with the way his head has been feeling. Besides, he doesn't even know if he wants to be wasting his time toiling away for the Ministry or whoever when there are Death Eaters out there that James could be fighting as part of the Order.

He assumes, of course, that Dumbledore will start giving them real missions once they get their diplomas and move out of the castle. He also assumes that Dorcas, Gideon, and Fabian have already been on actual, real, dangerous assignments for the past year and that liaising with the school kids hasn't been Dorcas's only responsibility.

"This is useless," he says, pushing away his History of Magic textbook and slumping in his seat. "If I don't know this stuff now, how am I going to make it stick between now and next week?"

He's studying in the library with Lily, who covers his hand with her own from across the table they're sitting at. "You just have to get through three more weeks. Less than that, since it's already Wednesday. Less than three weeks, and you'll never have to take another exam in your life."

"How is it that we've spent almost all our free time all year studying and still don't seem to know any of this stuff?"

"Speak for yourself," says Lily with a smile.

"Of course you feel confident," James mutters. "We can't all be bloody brilliant."

She tries to reach across the table to kiss him, but the table is too wide and the angle doesn't quite work. She squeezes his hands instead. "I believe in you," she says, and then Madam Pince comes over to yell at them for disrupting the quiet.

The days slide past faster than James can count them. The night before their first N.E.W.T., James finds himself holed up in the boys' dormitory binge-eating Chocolate Frogs and practicing Transfiguration for tomorrow. "This is pointless," Pete finally declares at around eleven at night, throwing down his wand with relish. "If I can't Transfigure you into a rabbit by now, I'm not going to be able to Transfigure you into a rabbit in an hour or two or three, and I'm not going to be able to Transfigure anybody into a rabbit for the examiner tomorrow afternoon."

"You just have to—" Remus starts to say, but he stops at the look on Peter's face.

"I'm with Wormtail," says James. "The best thing we can do for ourselves now is to get a good night's sleep so that we're well rested for tomorrow."

But James can't sleep. He's up until one, two, three in the morning imagining futures where he gets Ds on all of his N.E.W.T.s and can't find anywhere to work, becoming a loner and holing up inside the manor he hates that only reminds him of all the time he's never going to have with his parents again. At least James knows he has a fortune waiting for him so that he can support himself if need be. He remembers the offer he made to Remus and Sirius and wonders how many people he can support for a lifetime before he breaks the bank.

Finally, around a quarter past four, James drifts off into an uneasy sleep full of locked doors and blank faces and wands that do nothing when James waves them. When his alarm rings out music on the WWN that morning, he can hardly believe that he got any sleep at all.

The written Transfiguration exam goes okay, James thinks. But in the afternoon, the examiner tells him how sorry he was to hear about Dorea and Charlus, and James is an unfocused wreck for the remainder of the exam. He hates himself for it: Transfiguration is supposed to be his strongest subject, and yet here he is flubbing it because he's too sucked up into his personal problems to perform.

Defense Against the Dark Arts the next day goes all right, though, and so does Ancient Runes the day after that. He has a couple of days off, then History of Magic, and then it's the weekend.

McGonagall tracks him and Lily down at dinner on Saturday looking as stern as ever. He's racking his brains trying to remember which prank he might have pulled to get this reaction from her when she says to both of them, "Mister Potter, Miss Evans—I've been wanting to speak with you. As you may know, it's customary for the Head Boy and Girl to each give a speech at the graduation ceremony for their class. This year's commencement will be held on the twenty-fourth of June, the weekend after the last day of N.E.W.T.s. I trust that will give you both enough time to prepare speeches?"

James is at a loss, but Lily says "yes" for them both, and then McGonagall goes off to find Alice, who apparently also owes her a speech as valedictorian. "How are we supposed to prepare speeches on top of everything else we have going on?" he says to Lily. "I don't… I…"

"I'll help you when these blasted exams are over—we'll still have eight days to put something together by then. Worst case scenario, I'll give a speech on behalf of both of us. In the meantime, just start thinking about what you might want to say, okay?"

It haunts him all weekend, trying to figure out what he could say to the entire graduating student body on their behalf to reflect on the last seven years. He doubts he's the only person who can barely appreciate the significance of graduation with everything else that's going on in the world.

"Thank you for getting me through these last two weeks," he tells Lily on Thursday night. They've just got Potions left tomorrow, and then N.E.W.T.s will be behind them and they'll be entirely done with their obligations to Hogwarts. "Hell—thank you for getting me through these last few months. I don't know how I… I just don't know."

Lily leans in to kiss him. It doesn't last long—they're in the common room, and if their lips touch for more than five seconds, the other Marauders are going to start whooping and draw attention to it—but it feels nice all the same. "Thanks for waiting for me," she says, and at first James doesn't know what she's talking about, but then she adds, "I know I took a long time to… to come around."

"Worth the wait," James says simply.

"No, I mean it. I put you through a lot—abandoned you when you hadn't done anything wrong—I just wish we could have had this sooner, that's all."

"Hey." He pecks her on the lips and smiles. "We got to where we are, and that's what matters."

Lily doesn't smile back, but she says, "The same is true for you, too, you know. I mean—with your parents. You're so close to finishing your N.E.W.T.s, and they would be so proud of you if they were here, and that counts for something."

"I don't know what I'm doing without them here to back me up," James admits. "I don't want to go it alone."

"You're not alone. You've got the other boys, and you've got me," says Lily simply. "And none of us are going anywhere."

"I love you," says James.

He's not expecting her to say it back—she never does—so he's caught off guard when she says, "I love you too." It doesn't fix anything—doesn't bring back his parents or their classmates, doesn't stop the war or keep them from hurtling toward adulthood—but it's nice for a moment to feel like something in his life is going right, like it's still possible to be loved by the people you love.

He kisses her again, longer this time, and sure enough, Remus and Sirius start jeering from over by the fireplace. He twists his head, yells "shut up," and then kisses her again.

She's laughing when they break apart again. "Try telling me from two years ago that I was going to fall in love with James Potter," she says. "I dare you. She'd never have believed you."

"Bet you're glad you did, though," says James with a grin.

"Yeah. Yeah, actually, I am. Listen, um… I've been thinking."

"Yeah?"

"Ever since Mary and Reg got engaged. Mary said he didn't want to wait because of the war, because life is short and they don't know how much time they have left together."

"I thought you said that Mary—"

"Shut up, James," Lily says urgently, looking around. "You're not allowed to know that. You can't go spreading it around."

"I'm not trying to spread anything around!"

"Then keep your voice down!"

James rolls his eyes. "So you said you'd been thinking about Mary getting engaged."

"Yes," Lily continues. "I just—I think they might have the right idea about it. We don't know how much longer we have, especially being in the Order, and I don't want to die in three weeks on a mission knowing that I didn't do everything I could to live my life."

"So you're—wait. You're saying—?"

"I don't want people to know just yet," says Lily quietly. "And I don't want some kind of huge ceremony. The other seventh years, maybe the rest of our end of the Order. Maybe Doc, since he took me in two summers ago."

"Are—wait. You're proposing to me?"

"You can still give me a ring if you want to do the honors, but yeah, I think I am."

"Of course yes. Of course."

All he can think is that his parents would have loved to see this, but at the same time, he knows they would have wanted him to feel happy and enjoy it, not to mope around with his regrets. So he lifts his chin up and smiles, throwing his arms around Lily's waist and trying to live with what he has instead of what he's lost.

xx

END OF PART TWELVE