Previously in the Darklyverse: Death Eaters killed Marlene. Peter went deeper with Alecto Carrow and the Death Eaters.

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August 16th, 1981: Peter Pettigrew

He's been in the shower for over an hour when Emmeline comes to the bathroom door. It's unlocked—it's not like he needs the privacy from her—but she still knocks on it from the outside and calls through the door, "Peter? I'm sorry—it's just—it's almost time. Will you be ready in, say, ten minutes?"

At first, he'd run the water so hot that it scalded his skin, but he's been in here long enough that the temperature is down to lukewarm and dropping further by the minute. After a second's consideration, Peter turns the dial so that, instead, it's freezing. "You should, uh… I think you should just go without me. I don't know if I… can."

Emmeline hesitates for a moment, and then Peter hears the door creak open. There are footsteps, and then he can see her silhouette as she lowers the lid of the toilet and sits down on it. "But Peter, are you sure you want to stay home? I don't blame you for being upset, but—well—I know I'll feel… not better, but I'll get closure, anyway, from going. I don't want you to regret not having the opportunity to give yourself that."

What Emmeline doesn't know is that Peter doesn't need closure, and if he didn't have it already, he wouldn't deserve it. He doesn't need to stand in a circle of Marlene's closest friends and lament the shock of her death, not when her death—it wasn't a shock, not really. It's not like he told Carrow to kill her, but she asked specifically about Marlene's whereabouts that week, and he gave them to her without hesitation. Members of the Order have died already because Peter spoke to Carrow about them: it's not like he can hide behind the excuse that he doesn't know what he's been risking every time he's given her information.

But it's not like Peter can tell her any of this. Whatever she's said before about sympathy for the spy, there's no guarantee that Em would actually forgive him if he told her it was him, especially not after lying to her for so long about it and basically, probably being the reason Marlene is dead. Peter can't imagine anything worse than the look on her face if Em found out—than losing the person who matters more to him than anyone else ever has. Besides, she'd have to tell the rest of the Order—there's no way she wouldn't—and even if she did try to understand, he's sure that there are others who would just as soon have Peter imprisoned, even killed, for what he's done.

It's not like he just did the one thing, either: he's been working with Carrow for years. It's not going to matter to the Order how it started or if he was blackmailed or whether he never wanted to hurt anybody, and he didn't ever want to hurt anybody, but—

"I've already talked to Lily and Mary, but can you tell Sirius I'll stop by his flat later tonight? The only thing I'm going to regret is if I don't talk to him personally. Lily said he's been taking it hard."

It's not like he's looking forward to talking to Sirius any more than he enjoyed having this conversation with Mary or Lily. All Peter's friends—but especially those three—are shattered right now, and Peter… Peter's shattered for an entirely different reason, one he's got to work overtime to cover up in the presence of literally everyone else in his life. It's why he's been hiding in the shower for an hour-plus at a time twice a day: he lives with Emmeline, and it's getting harder and harder to put up a front to her hour after hour between work and Order raids.

But it'll look suspicious if Peter, who was never particularly close to Marlene, utterly shuts down and refuses to talk to anyone about her or try to support the ones who did know her best. He managed to stomach talking to Lily and Mary, and he'll stomach talking to Sirius, too. However, this—the memorial service between the nine of them (no, eight, there are only eight of them without Marlene here anymore)—Peter doesn't think he can stand.

He gets why Lily and James organized it: they want a forum where they can acknowledge her contributions to the war effort aloud, away from the people who don't and can't know about the Order, and they want it to be a private one where they can mourn their best friend. It's just—even if they didn't have many one-on-one conversations, Marlene was one of Peter's best friends, but all of that was over the moment he turned traitor and (basically, probably) caused her death. He doesn't belong with her other best friends, probably not ever and certainly not right now.

He waits until he hears the crack of Emmeline's Disapparition before he allows himself to cry. It feels good to cry, better than he deserves.

xx

Sirius is in a right bloody state by the time Peter Flooes to his flat. Lockhart greets Peter jovially—way too jovially, as far as Peter is concerned, given he must have heard that Sirius's ex-girlfriend has just died—and sends him back to Sirius's bedroom, where Sirius is pacing back and forth as fast as his legs will carry him, face bright red and sweaty. "I could kill Remus, Wormtail," he says after Peter knocks and lets himself inside. "I could just kill him."

Peter feels suddenly flushed—more flushed than he already does these days, anyway. "So the memorial—?"

"He was mouthing off about his regrets," barks Sirius, "how much he misses her, how badly he wishes they could have reconciled more than they did after everything that went down between the three of us in seventh year that tore him and me apart from her, and it was all I could do to keep my trap shut. I know I don't know, but he just—he's the guy, Wormy. For him to say those things and act like he's so fucking innocent—"

"Pads, it's—-it's just a hunch, remember? We don't know anything for sure."

"I know he is," says Sirius obstinately. "You know he is, too, if you're being honest with yourself. If I hadn't had you to talk to these last few months…"

Peter gulps.

"And anyway, even if it is just a hunch, he's the only one of us with any damning evidence working against him. Who else could have been blackmailed if not Remus when he was poisoned? What possible motivation could any other one of us have to turn on our loved ones like that?" He sort of—runs out of steam next. Stops pacing. Looks at Peter with a furious yet almost pleading look on his face. "I know you think I'm crazy, but I'm not crazy. It's somebody. We know there's somebody, and Remus…"

"I don't think you're crazy," Peter whispers.

"Tell me you believe me. Tell me you know I'm right."

And Peter—

—he—

"Padfoot…"

"I need you to believe me. I'm going to lose it if nobody believes me."

Peter braces for impact. "I don't know if you're right, but I—I don't think you're crazy. I think… you have reasons, and those reasons aren't…"

Sirius seems to accept this, even if it's not precisely the answer he's looking for. "I missed you today," he says, backing up to slouch against the wall of the bedroom. "Didn't feel right to remember her without you there. Em said you've been pretty messed up all week."

Here it comes back around: it's time to put on his Not a Traitor face and pervert the truth enough to make his lies sound plausible. "It's just really real now, you know? I'm not saying it was easy when Rosalie or Hyatt or Jaime died, but—they were in the Order, but they weren't our best friends. Marlene was our best friend. I just can't believe she's… I can't believe this is our life."

"Yeah, tell me about it," Sirius snorts.

"Are you holding up okay? I know it was—complicated between the two of you, but…"

"We were sort of—trying to be friends again for Harry's sake. I was out with her in Hogsmeade right before she Disapparated for…"

"Shit. I didn't know. So—you were the last one who saw her before she—?"

"Yeah, I must have been," says Sirius, swatting irritably at his eyes. "She kissed me—well, just on the cheek, but still. I was worried about what it meant—that I was going to have to tell her nothing was ever going to happen again—but I guess I don't have to worry about that anymore."

"I'm so sorry," Peter whispers. "Sirius, I'm so sorry."

"I'm glad I didn't tell her," Sirius says hollowly. "If it gave her any comfort in her last moments to think that things between us were going to be okay… and maybe they would have been, you know? Maybe it wouldn't have blown up horribly. Maybe she knew it was over and just…"

"Wanted to get to a good place," supplies Peter.

"Yeah. Yeah."

He hesitates. "Could you really? Kill Remus, I mean, if it's him?"

Sirius snorts again. "Of course I couldn't. Who am I kidding? I hate him, but I'm always going to love him. We couldn't even really hand him over to the Ministry without something really concrete—that would expose the existence of the Order, and then we'd all be put away in Azkaban."

"Something concrete like him getting Marlene killed?"

"There's no way we can prove that at this point. I hope to god he doesn't turn anybody else over to the Death Eaters, but if he does—if any of us have any concrete memories in the future that we could put in a Pensieve to show the Ministry that he's involved… I mean, I'm not exactly jumping at the chance to go to Azkaban, but I'd do it if it meant getting justice if he got you killed or James killed or…"

He tries to keep the relief off his face. At least Sirius wouldn't want Peter dead. Carrow, on the other hand…

He's just got to keep his loyalties hidden until Voldemort wins the war, Peter reminds himself. Voldemort is going to win the war, and while that doesn't exactly bring Peter comfort, it does reassure him that the ruling party isn't going to lock Peter away if he's on their side, and Voldemort knows by now which side Peter is on. Doesn't he? If he can just survive until then without getting any of his other friends killed—

—But Peter is in so deep that he doesn't know how to stop. It's not like he can pick and choose what information to give Carrow without getting himself tortured or killed, and even if he could—it's not like any of them deserves to die, but he's coped by burying himself so deep in bitter rage that… he's been telling himself they have this coming, as if it's their faults that Peter's got no moral compass.

It's not like he doesn't care that Marlene is dead, but if it's between her and him, and one of them's got to pay—Dumbledore hasn't got a plan, and if Voldemort is going to win this thing, the best Peter can do for himself is make the Death Eaters believe they've got his loyalties. If there's something he can do to prove himself—

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A/N: Shoutout to my good friend Azzie (Inkfire), without whom I would not have written this chapter real quick last night!