You'll Be Okay (A Great Big World)

Brittany's POV

"You're not happy." Ana said to me a few months after I'd come back to Lima.

We were lying in bed together one night, after the most awesome lovemaking. She brushed her fingers over my face as she stared into my eyes.

"How do you mean?"

"I built us a fortress. You and I both have a studio here, and the kids have boring lives. It's supposed to be perfect, but I can see the light leaving your eyes, Britt, and that's the last thing I want."

"When I got out of prison, people still wanted to hire me. I got to dance again when I went back…Izzy did too. Then we came back here, and Mike called me. He wants me to join him out in L.A., but I remember the last time I lived there."

"Do you want to move to L.A.?" She asked, suddenly sitting up and looking down at me with a weird expression.

I didn't recognize the look.

"Eventually, but I want to do it together."

"Yeah, that makes sense. Do you think you can wait until I hit 5 years of sobriety, though?"

The pang in my chest must have shown on my face because her face fell a bit.

She was asking me to hold off on my dreams for three and a half years still.

What if the opportunities dried up in that time?

But then I thought of how hard she'd been working to be sober.

It was her number one priority, and I couldn't get in the way of that.

My promise to myself had been to be a better wife to her, and this would go a long way to proving that I could do it.

Even if dancing had an end date, I had to be there, giving our kids stability while making sure that my wife had it all together.

So, I leaned up onto my knees and straddled her waist. Her hands were on my hips as I kissed her face over and over.

"We can do that, Ana Banana."

"Thank you, B. I know this is asking a lot, but I finally feel centered for the first time in my life. I feel clean, and I feel like a good mom. I just need to make sure that I can be all of that outside this bubble."

"I'm so proud of you." My heart felt so big as I stared into her clear brown eyes.

This moment was something that I'd prayed for, so I shoved down any little bloom of bitterness because she needed this.

I had to give her this time because she'd been through so much.

For a year and a half, I held up my head and supported my wife.

And she supported me.

When Sugar was still a part of our lives, taking care of our kids and our home, I wanted her to join us in the bedroom.

And Ana didn't argue.

She let her be there with us from time to time and didn't complain once.

I should have known that she was doing it for a reason because a few days later, she came to me with news.

"Hey B, can we chat?"

I was working on a dance step in my studio, but I stopped and looked over at my beautiful wife.

"Sure, what's up?"

"Mercedes' asked me to do an album with her in L.A. Would you be okay if I went for like a week and took Beba with me?"

"She has school…you can't just take her out and run off to L.A. for a week."

"I can arrange for it to happen during spring break."

"And what am I supposed to do? Izzy has spring break the week after her, so I need to be here getting him off to school."

"Please, B?" She looked at me with the most hopeful eyes as I stood there sweating from dancing my ass off because it was as close to my dream as I had been in years.

The bitterness was rising…but she was sober.

And she gave into letting another woman share our bed.

Dani would love to go learn from professional producers, and I knew that Ana would make sure she had the BEST time.

So, I sighed and nodded. "You should go."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive, and then this summer we can go as a family, and you can record the rest then."

"You are a genius, Brittany!" She squealed before kissing me and then running off to spread the news.

For the next two weeks, she talked excitedly about her plans while Sugar and I held the house together.

I was exhausted from living that life. There was no more excitement.

And I wanted out.

But I didn't tell her that because I knew that she'd think that I wanted out of this marriage, but what I really wanted was out of Lima.

I wanted the life we'd built in New York.

At some point, I wanted out of New York and thought Lima would be enough for us, but I realized that the happiest that I'd ever been was when we lived in the city.

Not the suburbs or the country. I wanted the pulsing beat of the city flowing through me.

I wasn't sure how much longer I'd last.

When the album turns into a U.S. tour six months later, I smile through it and keep on being a supermom.

Only, I found an outlet.

I made the two-and-a-half-hour drive to work as a visiting professor at Butler University, teaching dance.

Ana was so busy that she didn't even know that I was working on top of raising our family with Sugar.

The end of her tour and the end of my job happened in the same week.

When she came back home, looking so much like the old Santana, I got nervous.

Drugs were everywhere, but she went to a meeting and got her five-year chip, grinning like a Cheshire cat.

I was proud.

The kids seemed happy.

I did my best to swallow how she didn't seem ready to move out of Lima.

Even though she told me that she'd be ready.

But I worked to keep a smile on my face.

It was hurting, but I was doing my best to keep things calm between us.

But then the call came just after Christmas.

A tour in Asia and Africa for another two months.

Mike had hired someone to fill my shoes and was choreographing movies!

He didn't have space for me anymore, but Broadway still did.

My agent was still checking in, waiting for my hiatus to come to an end.

People needed me, but all I could do was consult for the people who were able to work.

That was my only way to still keep my name out there.

But I needed more.

Ana needed to find a way for us to start living our dreams.

She'd been sober

How could she be okay with me not dreaming anymore?

I was hurting.

Sugar held me at night, just like she'd done with Ana when I had been in prison.

Nothing sexy had happened because without Ana there, it felt like cheating, and I wasn't a cheater, not after Grady.

"Hey, please don't cry, B." Sugar said to me after we got back from dropping Ana off at the airport.

"I didn't agree to this…the kids are so fucking sad without her, and so am I."

"The five years is almost up, though."

"Do you really think she'll still agree to move away?"

"She better. Even I'm tired of being here, my dad is gone, so it's just Nikolai and me…we've all done everything we can do here."

"Why can't she see that?"

"I don't know, B."

That night I fell asleep feeling so unhappy, and I hated it.

But I'd keep it together.

Two months.

That's it…after that, when she came home, I was putting my foot down. We needed to move.

Ever since Ana had started taking Dani to L.A. on her breaks to teach her more about producing, I felt like I had lost my connection to my daughter.

Gone was the little girl attached to my side while hating on her, Mami.

She was working on her ninth instrument while locking herself in her studio to put tracks together.

It's what she does instead of homework, and once, she even managed to skip school to spend the day in the studio instead.

Being stern with her was hard for me, but if I was going to hold Izzy up to a certain standard that Ana had set for them, I had to set the same standard for Dani and Gigi.

Even if Gigi was only in first grade, she still knew there were rules, but Dani didn't seem to give a fuck.

She had a fire in her eyes every time I called her out on something, and I wished like hell that there was another Lopez around because Dani listened to them.

I finally understood how Ana felt when Izzy pulled away from her. It was such a painful feeling, but instead of fighting with her, I kept trying to be silly with her…I kept trying to be the Mama that I had always been, but she'd just look at me with that same glare that Marco gave me when he saw me, and it made me feel like shit.

And I hated that feeling more than feeling stupid.

"Why are you so mean to me, Daniela?" I asked one night when she asked me why I was so stupid all the time.

"You're exhausting, Mama. You make me tired."

And it came back.

The way I had told Ana that a billion years ago, how being around her made me tired and how I hated being tired.

"I'm sorry."

"I just want Mami to come home already, so I can be with her instead."

"Dani, that's not nice. Mama and Mami love us!" Gigi said.

"You don't know anything, kid. Izzy and I have been through hell. You're lucky to not have had to deal with that." She snapped.

"Okay, enough! Daniela Amaris, go to your room!" Sugar said, standing up and taking Dani's plate away.

"You aren't anyone to me, Sweetie. Maybe you're their bitch, but you're nothing to me!"

"Hey, don't talk to my mom like that!" Nikolai jumped in.

"She's not even your real mom!" Dani said.

Izzy had his hands over his ears to block out the shouting, and I wished I could do the same. Instead, I left the table and went into Ana's rarely used office and grabbed her ring of keys. It was harsh to take the next step, but I had to. So I did, and then I went back to the table, doing my best to seem nonchalant.

When I sat down, Dani looked at the keys, then at me.

"Why do you have those, Mama?" She was kind…but only because she wanted something.

I knew this girl because I had dealt with the original.

Just like Santana, if you took away Dani's toys, she seemed to remember herself.

"Since you don't know how to be kind anymore, I locked the studio until Mami comes home since you have forgotten how to be the young lady that we raised you to be."

"I hate you." She muttered.

"Yeah, well, that's okay because I still love you."

We had a stare-off, and she looked ready to snap at me, but then my phone rang.

And I forgot the fight.

Dad was in the hospital another heart attack.

I was on the road an hour later, leaving my three children in Sugar's care while I went to go see my parents.

It's the only reason I would have ever left my kids.

Dad would hate for the kids to miss school to sit by his hospital bed, so I went alone.

I called my wife, but the call never went through, and I decided that I wouldn't leave a message. She'd be home in a few weeks anyway.

Why stress her out?

SANTANA'S POV

We'd spent the last few years living in Lima as a happy blended family.

Even though we'd never set out to be a plural family, the addition of Sugar and her son completed my relationship in a way that I didn't think possible.

Because of Sugar, I'd prolonged our stay in Lima when there were so many loose ends back in New York.

Britt had paused her Broadway and touring career for too long and now was staring down 30 years old, feeling every ache that came with age, but she never complained.

She'd decided that becoming a stay-at-home mom while I pursued my music career was something that she needed after spending a year in prison.

Thanks to the internet, I could conduct most of my business from home, but I was becoming more popular, and the work was in L.A. and New York.

Interviews.

Gigs.

Producers.

Now that my kids were older and in school, I felt like it was the best time to start taking trips to follow my dream.

I felt little pressure about my duties as a wife and mom because Sugar was my back-up. When I couldn't give Britt what she needed, Sugar could.

They had a platonic relationship. For the most part, they were sister wives, which seemed like enough for them.

But I had this tingling in my gut that told me that we'd been peaceful for too long.

There was no bitching from Marco, who seemed content to come back to town to see the girls in summers only.

My addiction was managed again. I finally had money moving without worrying that the feds would come knocking.

The only area that I still struggled with was eating enough food.

It was hard to eat when I had so many things on my mind, but those chimes on my watch kept me in line.

Still, I was waiting for the other shoe to drop.

And when it finally did, three and a half years after the last big thing, I was half a world away and a day late to the party.

It was two days before Valentine's Day, and I was on tour in South Africa.

We were in Cape Town taking a cable car up to Table Mountain.

Mercy had insisted that Z and I had to see it.

I felt breathless as I looked at the sea, and as I stared at the edge of the world, I began to weep.

Never before had I felt so close to God, and right then, I was happy to be there with someone who understood just how ethereal this was.

I pulled out my rosary and prayed as I stood staring out at what must have been where the world had begun.

"Is she okay?" Z whispered to Mercy, and she chuckled.

"I was the same way when I came here last year. It's like seeing the face of God."

"Yeah, I get that." He grunted, but I could tell that he didn't.

For Azimio, this was yet another beautiful place that Mercedes had dragged him to.

It always amazed me how he was okay being still, happily buying up properties in Western Ohio, and building a mini-empire.

We were on opposite ends of life experiences.

I had been wealthy for most of my life and could buy anything that I wanted, but nothing could compare to the wonders of God.

He had been in poverty and had struggled endlessly, so now he wanted all the things a man could buy.

The more you had, the less you wanted.

I didn't want things anymore.

There was a shift in me that morning. I could feel it.

The Santana that had left Lima, content with just existing in her little life while raising four kids with Britt and Sugar, was not the same woman coming home.

If I ever went home.

While I'd been at the top of a mountain, my family had been getting up to spend the day at the park.

Isaac was heavy into baseball, while Daniela made music in my studio in anticipation of my return.

We'd been in Asia and Africa for two months straight, but my daughter was still sending me tracks and keeping me in the know.

It seemed that she was the only one who really missed me, and it didn't sting like it should have.

That bothered me more than anything.

I loved my wife and kids.

And I loved Sugar.

Our house was amazing.

So were our lives, but I felt empty after standing on the mountain top.

What was my purpose?

I sat in my hotel room early that evening, mindlessly listening to little clips of the tracks that Daniela had sent, when I was stopped in my tracks.

Never in any of the 50 songs had there been actual lyrics, just music, but I heard something new on the last track, which was called A Way Back.

My daughter.

Singing.

"God, if you're listening still, please help me find a way back to something real. God, please, if you're still you, please take me back to something true. I'm aching, I'm drowning, please God help me see, that there's something still sacred inside of me."

Her voice was angelic, but the words scraped at my soul.

I had always listened to the music before reading my daughter's emails. That day was no different, I searched her words and looked for her admission that what I was dreading had happened, but the email was just as cheerful as usual.

Sometimes I didn't want to know how everyone was living without me, but after hearing that song, the niggling feeling in my gut raged into an inferno.

We had to be at soundcheck in twenty minutes, but I banged on the door that joined my room to Mercedes.

She yanked it open, ready to snap at me, but her face got serious when she saw my tears.

"What happened?"

"I need you to come in here. It's an emergency."

No questions asked. Mercy came into my room and sat on my bed.

"What's up?"

"I think something is wrong at home."

"How so?"

I hadn't been sharing the tracks with Mercedes. Instead, I would email my daughter back with stories and pictures, following up with notes on the tracks.

They were just between us, and if my daughter was telling me something, I for damn sure was going to pay attention.

I played the music and watched my friend nod along with a grin.

But then Daniela began to sing, and I watched the face morph, just like mine must-have.

"You don't think…do you?" She asked me, and I shrugged, more tears coming.

I had been 13 years old when I had my innocence stolen.

Daniela was 12…, and I wasn't there to protect her.

I wasn't there to make sure that she was okay.

And her Papa, one of the scariest dudes alive, even in a wheelchair, wasn't there.

He cataloged every booboo and sniffle from the girls because they were his precious babies.

But he was in New York.

And Quinn was in Connecticut.

But Britt and Sugar were there with her.

They'd tell me…right?

"I need to go home."

Mercedes checked her watch and then sighed. "We have a crowd waiting for us to perform in one hour. It's our last show before we go back to the states. Even if you could get a flight right now, it'd be 30 hours before you were home."

"I know."

"Call her. It's lunchtime. She should be able to talk…did she say anything in the email?"

"Just the normal. There was nothing out of the ordinary."

"Call her."

"Yeah, okay."

"Mami?" Daniela's face popped up on my screen, and it took my breath away just how much she looked like me.

The only difference was the light brown curls and the dimpled chin.

"Hey, Beba…I just listened to your tracks. It was so good to hear you sing."

I watched her face and saw a shift in her smile.

"You weren't supposed to listen before your show."

"I know, but I had extra time beforehand. When I heard you singing…it blew me away."

She nodded, her face serious, and then she was moving around, and I heard a door close.

"So you liked it?"

"Yes, although it got my mind going. I wanted to know the meaning behind it."

She nodded, and then I was looking at her bedroom ceiling.

I could hear the sniffles and then the tiny gasps as she got herself together.

Mercedes held tight to my hand as I waited for my daughter to look at me again.

I heard someone knocking, and then the phone cut out.

"We can cancel the show if you want to move up your flight." Mercedes said as she glared at the wall.

I tried calling Daniela again, but the call didn't go through.

My watch chimed. It was time to go.

"The show must go all over the place or something." I mumbled, and she sighed.

"I'll go confirm our flights for tomorrow. In the meantime, let's go out with a bang. Tonight we sing for Daniela."

A half-hour later, I sat in hair and make-up with the first cravings I'd felt in years.

Q?-San

I didn't expect an immediate response because we'd drifted.

After I took Isaac back and Quinn decided that she would stay in Connecticut, there was a bigger space between us.

She was busy all the time with saving lives and being a mom while I was finally going after my dreams, but her love for my kids had never wavered.

If they needed her, she was there.

Daniela hadn't felt comfortable talking to Brittany or Sugar about this. That was clear to me because one of them would have called me.

We'd raised our kids that what happens in our little family unit stays in our family unit, so I knew she hadn't called Quinn.

But that didn't mean she didn't want to.

If anyone could help her through dark, mixed emotions, it was Quinn.

Hey, you should be on stage!-Q

How do you know?-San

Izzy sends me your schedule every day. Is everything ok?-Q

Worry!-San

It'd been ages since I'd fallen back on our old buzz words.

But just like she always had, Quinn came through.

What do you need?-Q

I don't go on stage for 10 minutes. Call me-San

My phone buzzed, and I dismissed my team so I could be alone.

Quinn's voice sounded hushed.

"Hey, San, what's up, Babe?"

"Can you hear me, okay?"

"Yeah."

"Can you meet me in Lima in two days?"

"Shit, um, I'll see if I can move some things around. How bad is it?"

"Beba sent me a song that she wrote, and it freaked me the fuck out. She sounded beautiful, but those words, Q, she sounded like me at 13."

"No. I pray that's not true…fuck, this can't happen again. There's just no way, San."

"Look, I haven't had a chance to talk to really her, but I have this gut feeling that history is repeating itself, Q."

"I'll see you in two days."

"Thank you."

"Have you talked to B?"

"No, not today."

"Do you think B knows anything?"

"I hope to God that if Brittany knows something and hasn't told me, she has a really good reason."

"What could that possibly be?"

"Your guess is as good as mine."

I'd never sung better in my career, that's what everyone was saying, but that probably had more to do with the amount of emotion in my voice than anything else.

All I could think of was my daughter.

I was at the airport early the next morning, ready to board the first flight to the states that I could find.

After 33 hours on three planes, I stepped out of the Dayton airport and stepped right into the arms of Quinn and then Celia.

"Thank you for coming." I said and then hugged them once more before climbing into the car.

"How long have you been here?" I asked from the backseat.

"We just got in. Quinn scheduled the PJ to get in right before your flight." Ceily said as she merged into traffic. "I hope you don't mind Quinn sharing what you told her with me."

"It's fine."

"Have you talked to anyone?" Q asked as she looked back at me. Her eyes were bloodshot, and her usually pristine nails were bitten down to nubs.

"I lost my phone between layovers, so no…how about you?"

"Yeah, I talked to Izzy and Dani."

"But not Britt?"

"Well, Britt's not home…apparently, she's been in Chicago for a week."

"What? Why?"

"Rob had another heart attack."

"So Sugar has been taking care of four kids by herself?"

"Apparently, yes." Quinn looked annoyed, and I knew it was because she hadn't wanted to give my son back to me.

He needed that personalized attention, and I swore I'd be better about that, but I'd started touring.

Maybe everyone would have been better off if I had moved us back to New York when I had the chance.

I'd arrived back in Ohio on a Monday morning just before lunchtime.

Britt and Sugar weren't expecting me for a few more days since the plan had been to go from Cape Town to L.A. so that I could record for a week with Mercy before making my way home.

If Sugar had still been my manager, she would know that plans had changed, but she was now closer to my wife than she was to me.

And even with this impending doom that I was headed towards, I still felt unbothered by that.

We drove through town, and I was happy to see it still looking clean and suburban, just as I'd left it.

"So, how do you want to do this?" Q asked me.

"I want to talk to her before my jet lag kicks in. I know she's in school, but maybe it would be okay for me to pull her out for the day. That way, I can talk to her one-on-one. Once I'm home, I know that Gia and Isaac will want my attention."

"What do you need from me?"

"I need backup. If I can't handle this or need a breather, I need people she trusts to pick up my slack. So, be with us, but like give us space."

"We can do that." Celia said.

I walked into the school feeling the weight of my dread and the exhaustion from crossing an ocean and multiple time zones to be there for my daughter.

When I walked into the office, I was greeted by a friendly face.

"Hi, Jake!" I was doing my best to be chipper, even if I didn't feel it.

"Santana!" The youngest Puckerman came around the front desk and held his arms wide for me.

He and I had only crossed paths a few times, but it was always love.

"Did we call you in?" He asked as he made his way back to his desk.

"No, actually, I just got back to the states. I wanted to pick up Daniela. It's a surprise."

He grinned.

"That's great! I'll just see where she is."

He scanned the computer screen and then made a phone call.

I sat there sipping the cup of coffee that Jake had given me while I waited.

After five minutes, she still hadn't arrived, and I felt anxious.

"Shouldn't she be here by now?" I asked him, and he nodded before paging her over the loudspeaker.

A few moments later, my daughter came into the office with her clothes rumpled and her hair looking like a frizzy, dry nest.

She looked like she'd just rolled out of bed, which wasn't normal for Daniela.

Even when lounging around the house, she was always freshly showered and in the cutest outfits.

She was very much a diva, just like me.

Until now.

"Hi, Mr. Jake, am I in trouble?" She asked, and he smiled down at her, then pointed my way.

I sat there, not moving until my daughter had turned towards me.

"Mami?" She squeaked.

"Hey, Beba."

"You're supposed to be in L.A."

"I had to see you. I thought we could go get our nails done."

She looked down at her nails, then back at me with sunken eyes.

This was not the little girl that I had left two months ago.

"Just us?"

"Come here." I said, realizing she was still standing by Jake's desk. I held my arms open, and she cautiously came over to me until she was just outside my reach. I finally stood up and realized that she was nearly my height.

Shit.

Where had the time gone?

My daughter walked stiffly beside me as we made our way to the car.

I opened the back door and waited for her to slide inside before climbing in next to her.

She buckled up and then clenched her hands in her lap.

"Hey, little lady!" Quinn said to her, and Daniela nodded meekly before staring out the window.

Celia didn't say a word. Instead, she drove us across town.

When my apartments had been rebuilt, I'd kept an apartment for myself for nostalgia's sake.

It was the place I went when I needed some alone time, and now I was going to share it with Daniela because, from the looks of it, shopping and nails wasn't going to cut it.

"Ceily, can you drop us off at the apartments."

My sister didn't question. She just nodded and turned left instead of right.

Quinn looked terrified when we stepped out of that car.

"You don't have a phone." She reminded me.

"Daniela does. I'm fine. If I feel off, I'll drag the kid to a meeting with me."

"Good. We will go to the house and tell Sugar not to expect Dani."

"Thanks."

Once they were gone, I turned to my daughter and watched her mask fall.

"How'd you know something was wrong?" She stiffened next to me, and I looked around the parking lot and then back at her.

"Let's go inside. The streets have ears." I joked, mimicking how Sugar still acted like she was an active part of the mob. She would make the most innocent conversations seem confidential, and it never failed to get Daniela to smile, and I was hoping that moment wouldn't be any different.

She raised an eyebrow and finally smirked.

My girl was still in there.

Good.

It took twenty-five minutes for Daniela to finally meet my eyes, and not once did I push her to look at me.

Instead, I brewed some coffee and put a frozen pie in the oven.

And when the landline rang, I stared at Britt's name on the caller id and knew that word had already made it to her that something was up.

I wasn't sure that was a good thing or not because our daughter still hadn't said a word.

She was sitting on the couch, pulling at the hem of her uniform skirt and biting her lip.

When I put a cup of coffee and a slice of pie down on the table in front of her, she stared at it like it was an alien substance.

And that's when I looked her over. Not only did her eyes look sunken in, but she was skinny.

In two months, my happy, ambitious little girl had turned into me at her age, but I would be for her what I needed my parents to be for me.

"Did you know that you are technically my third child?" I asked her, and finally, she looked at me, her head tilted as she tried to figure out my game.

"I'm your second."

"I had a miscarriage when I was 13." I said, and it seemed that of all the stories she knew, this one had slipped through the cracks.

"How?"

"I was raped." I said, and I watched her face get pale.

"Y-You were?" She squeaked, and right then, I knew that I couldn't tell her who had hurt me. She wasn't ready for that bit of reality.

"Yes."

"You never told me."

"There's a lot you don't know about me, Beba."

"I…I…that's why I wrote those words. He…I'm not supposed to tell." She muttered.

Her eyes were burning bright. She was angry, and so was I.

"You can tell me anything."

"It felt safe to tell you because you were far away." She whispered. "Now…you're here."

"I came home for you."

She looked surprised. "Just for me?"

"I came straight from the airport to get you."

"Wow."

"I'm not rushing you, okay. Tell me when you're ready. I'll wait."

She sipped her coffee until she drained the cup, and then she clenched her hands in her lap.

"Can I know more about what happened to you?"

I nodded. "Yeah." And then she stared at me and said what I didn't expect.

"It was Papa, wasn't it?"

"How did you know?"

"I asked him why you two didn't last, and he told me that ever since you were just a girl, he'd been hurting you."

"I'm surprised he admitted that."

"So it was him?"

"Yes."

"Can you tell me what happened?"

I looked my 12-year-old in the eyes and told her everything.

How I'd been teasing him for months, asking him every sex question. Then I told Daniela what I hadn't told anyone.

I'd asked him to teach me how to give a hand job, and he took it further, even when I said no.

Even when I screamed.

I told her how he was high.

And then I told her that it was on Halloween, so I never really celebrated like other people like her Mama.

Then I told her how I'd lost the baby and how her Dama had gotten me through the worst of it. I wanted Daniela to know that when she didn't have me and when she didn't think Britt would understand, Quinn always would.

I needed her to trust our village.

And finally, after nearly an hour of talking around it, she reached out for me.

"Can you sit with me, Mami?"

"Sure." I grabbed the blanket off the couch and held my arm out for her. She collapsed against me and wrapped the blanket around us both. "I love you, Beba, no matter what."

I kissed the top of her head, and then everything came spilling out.

"Mr. Douglass broke his hip, so they brought in a substitute music teacher. He would sit next to me for two weeks and rub my leg while I played piano. Then…um…last week…he…put his fingers down there…inside. I just sat there until he…told me…um to stand up and bend over…I just did it. He rubbed himself on me down there. Now he's gone, and I…I can't play piano anymore. It's my fault. I wasn't tough. I'm sorry, Mami."

I wanted to explode, but I knew I had to be cautious with every word.

"None of this is your fault." I said to her.

She looked at me with watery eyes, "You believe me?"

"Yes, Beba, I will always believe you."

Her lip quivered, and then she wrapped her arms around me and wept against my chest.

I rubbed her back until she cried herself to sleep, and it was then that I let the tears come.

That motherfucker was going to pay.

When I had wished Marco on himself years before, I never thought my curse would come back on my own child.

Karma was a bitch.

I woke up alone and began to panic.

It'd been so long since I had been gripped by a panic attack that the feeling of one again made me feel like I had slid backward exponentially.

At least there weren't cravings.

The sheets beside me were still warm, so Britt and Daniela hadn't been out of bed long.

I went into the bathroom and splashed some water on my face before following the sound of movement.

Britt was sitting at the kitchen table staring out the window into the dark night while Daniela hummed at the stove.

For the last two or three years, I have been in and out of my kids' lives with tours and recording.

I had been working hard for my dream and had three Grammys to show for it, but none were because of a solo project.

For years, I worked on my solo album and rubbed elbows with some of the greatest artists to walk the planet.

Britt held things down at home and was TRUSTING me to come home sober and fulfilled. She'd given me the permission to be selfish, telling me that our big family didn't have to get any bigger and that her dancing could wait.

But I knew that I had fucked up after receiving that five-year chip and then going on another tour.

It seemed like the perfect time to go, and I couldn't even tell you why it did, but obviously, I had missed a lot.

My daughter was nearly my height now and had been hit by puberty hard.

She looked like me at her age, so it's no wonder that some asshole thought it was perfectly fine to violate her.

I wanted him castrated, and I'd go to the ends of the Earth to make it happen, but right then, as I stood watching her stand there tense but still humming, I knew that we'd raised a young woman that was confident and self-assured enough to not turn this inward for too long.

She was stronger than I was at her age, and I took a moment to silently thank God for it.

When Daniela turned around with two steaming mugs of hot cocoa, our eyes caught, and she gave me the smallest smile.

Hope.

She still had some…good. She'd need it.

Britt waited for Daniela to put the mugs down before standing up and pulling her into a tight hug.

And I saw it then, the way even Britt's touch was too much for her.

She tensed up and let out a whimper, and then something occurred to me.

Something dark and murky.

I couldn't even help the way it slipped out.

"How many times has this happened?"

Britt stepped back and tilted her head, looking at Daniela in confusion but then, just like it always did with Britt, she looked at me in horror, then back at Daniela.

"Is this why you changed?"

Daniela was in tears as she sat down at the table, but she was defiant in her gaze. It was eerie seeing my own expressions play out on her face.

She was shutting down.

I touched Britt's arm and knew nothing she said could fix this.

It had to be me.

"Sit, B…I got this."

"Please, Beba, we will protect you."

"Like you did before?!" She snapped with a growl.

"Better." I promised her.

She looked down and began to twist the rings on her fingers and then said the words I was expecting.

"He was the first to go all the way…but…he wasn't the only one to touch me. This boy…he's in eighth grade. He always touches me whenever no one is looking."

"When did that start?" Britt asked, sounding so fucking broken.

"Like a year ago."

"So I was right. That's why you were acting out with me?"

I went to speak, but I had no standing, this was between Britt and Daniela, and it seemed like it was a conversation that had been a long time coming.

Daniela, though, decided that bringing me into it was a perfect idea.

"Mami would have seen that I changed. You never do. I'm the last on your list of cares. You promised that we'd always be a team, Mama. I told you that you were my favorite, and I meant that, but you have other favorites."

"I love you all the same! I told you that, Dani."

"NO! That's not fucking true."

"Hey!" I said, and Daniela looked surprised that I was still in the room. "Respect."

"Sorry, I…just can't stand when Izzy gets her as a coach on his team, and Gigi gets her at every dance rehearsal and recital, but she's missed four of my concerts…and then one she came to, she fell asleep!"

I looked over at B and could see the shame on her face because instrumental music wasn't easy for her to sit still and listen to.

If she wasn't dancing to it, she got bored.

It had nothing to do with Daniela, but she'd chosen an activity that required Britt to be still, which was nearly impossible for her.

"I'm sorry, Dani. You're right. I haven't been giving you the same attention. I just feel so stupid when it comes to what you do."

"Then learn about it! You play the drums. It's the hardest instrument for me because it's a lot more off the cuff. You have so much to teach me if you put in the time. If you paid as much attention to me as these motherfuckers that can't keep their hands to themselves, maybe I would still be a virgin!"

"Whoa! Daniela, stop!" I said, but Britt held her hand to me, not wanting me to interject.

"I can't fix what happened, but I can make sure it doesn't happen again. Just tell me what you need from me, and I'll make it happen."

Daniela wasn't me, she ran hot, but she knew how to check herself. That's what I learned when she seemed to deflate as she let out a deep sigh.

"I need to leave Lima." She was looking between Britt and me. "You two said that when Mami was sober for five years, we'd move away from here, but Mami, you're always gone, and Mama is miserable."

I turned to my wife and could see the reality of it on her face. "You are, aren't you?" I asked B, and she shrugged.

"You're happy, Ana. That's more important to me."

"Fuck that, we don't have to be here. I am supposed to be in L.A. right now. Maybe Daniela can come with me."

"NO! Why can't you get it, Mami? If you're going to L.A., then we ALL go to L.A. You and Mama can't be happy without each other. The other monsters and I can't be happy unless we are ALL together."

"Right. Okay, then we can go to L.A., and you three can go to school there or be homeschooled while I finish this album and then..." I turned to my wife, who looked sad about going further from New York. Fuck her for suggesting that New York was my dream and not hers because that was a lie from the pits of hell. New York had become her dream. It haunted her. I could see that now. "We will move to New York, close to Mari out in Chelsea. That way, we are close to our village again."

"I'd be close to Norah?" Daniela looked so fucking happy.

"Yes. Your Titi has been telling me how much you and Norah need each other. You two have always been so close."

Daniela reached a handout to Britt, who was staring down into her hot chocolate.

"Mama, are you okay?"

Britt raised her head, and I could see why she'd looked away.

"Your Poppy doesn't have much time left. They say he only has a few months left. I can't go right now. I only came home because Quinn told me what had happened. I'd love to move to New York. It would be good to be back there. If you tell them this, I'll deny it, but I miss your family being so close."

I smirked, knowing how she felt my family was enough for me.

"Do you think the kids would be okay if I took Daniela until I'm finished? I can get her a tutor, someone that I've vetted and shit." I asked them both, and Daniela sighed.

She took Britt's hand, saying, "We will stay here until Poppy is gone. You came back home for me, Mama, I know I've been mean, but you are here still. I will be a better daughter, okay?"

I was exhausted from my flight and how we were having three conversations all at once, but I was happy to witness Daniela and Britt mending a break.

"She's right, B. I can record anywhere. How about we pack up the house and go to Chicago? Rob deserves to be surrounded by his family."

"Are you sure?" She squeaked, and it broke me a bit to see that Britt wasn't herself.

How long had she been that way?

I needed to pay better attention.

She'd come back from prison way more sensitive than ever, and I had just stomped all over her heart.

"Yes, we will file charges, and Daniela will give her statement, then we can go."

"Thank you!"

Late that night, after all the words had been said and the tears cried, I curled up in bed with Brittany for the first time in months.

She kissed my bare shoulder and hugged me tightly against her body.

Where she used to be, all muscle she was getting soft.

No me gusta.

"You're losing your muscles." I said quietly, and she chuckled in my ear.

I shivered at her closeness.

My body was wound tight from the lack of our sexy times.

"Don't worry, baby, once everything isn't crazy, I'll let you whip me back into shape."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

"Good because I like to get off on your abs."

"I know."

"B?"

"Yes, my love?"

"I'm sorry that I stopped paying attention."

"Me too, not just you either. I see so much of you in Dani…I may have been taking a little of my anger on you out on her. That's not okay."

"Well, Britt Britt, our daughter is right; we can't survive without each other. Let's be more intentional from here on out. Okay?"

"Okay."

"Now, we need to discuss something that I've been putting off for too long."

"What?"

"I'm almost done recording, and I'd like to try to have another baby. Losing Angel broke me for so long, but now, I'm ready to try again."

"Why now?"

"I stood on the top of a mountain a few days ago, and I looked at the face of God. It made me reevaluate some of the choices that I've made. I really want to start over again as a wife and a mother. I want to be settled. I had this talk with Bey a month ago, and she told me that I cannot sacrifice my family and friends for my dreams because once my dreams come true, it will feel empty because I have lost the people that I want to share it with the most."

"Wow."

"I just agreed with her and didn't think about it again until I was on that mountain and saw how things were falling apart when I came back here. I've missed so much with the kids, and it hit me…I am doing to my kids what my parents did to me. The only difference is that you and Sugar are here to pick up my slack, but I don't want to be that way. I committed to recording this album, so I'm going to finish it, but once it's done, I'm yours, proudly so."

"Yeah?"

"Yes. A million times, yes."

"Good, now sleep because tomorrow I plan to show you just how proud of you I am." She purred in my ear, and I shivered again.

"Say less, B."