Divorce was hard. Something Regina had never thought she would have to go through...that was until now of course. Sitting across from her blonde- soon to be ex wife, and contemplating how they even got here. Emma's eyes were filled with tears as she stared down at the documents ahead of her, willing herself to just take the damn pen and sign...but everything in her body was telling her not to.
"Mrs Mills..." the lawyer smiled sadly at her and gently lifted a pen in her direction, patiently waiting.
Regina nodded forcefully and took the pen in one quick motion, hovering it over the signature line in front of herself. "R-Regina..." Emma hiccuped, wiping her nose with the back of her palm. "Please don't...w-we-"
"Emma..." the thought of leaving her long time partner was killing her...they have been together for such a long time, through thick and thin. Emma begging her not to leave was making this entire process so much harder, but she knew it was time...she needed to do this. "E-Emma we tried huh? Really...really tried." Her bottom lip quivered as she stared up at the blonde beauty through thick eye lashes, her eyes completely blood shot. She had barely got more than two hours of sleep last night just thinking about this moment. Dreading it.
"M-maybe not hard enough..." a choked sob left Emma's lips and she set the pen down, accepting a tissue box pushed her way from the lawyer who just sat in silence...allowing them all the time they needed to come to terms with this decision.
"Em...we can't keep doing this to Henry. He is five now and will start to have memories of all of this..we have to-" she covered her face with her hands finally letting go. A sob wrecked her body as she leaned over, her arms laying against the top of her thighs as she cried.
"I'm so so sorry Regina. For everything. I fucked up. I did this but...god I'm sorry I can't-" Emma stood up abruptly and turned on her heel, rushing out of the room.
"E-Emma!" Regina cried, scurrying up off the seat and rushing to the door to find Emma already out of the building. She looked out the window just in time to see Emma was already gone, her little bug leaving the parking lot.
"God damn it..."
--/--
"Ok Hen...be good for mama today." Regina secured his beanie on his head, leaning down and zipping his jacket up. "I am good mommy!" Regina giggled and nodded, kissing both of his cold cheeks furiously. "You always are, but I'll miss you..."
It had been two months since the divorce meeting that went terribly wrong with Emma leaving in a hurry...no papers signed. It had taken them a while but the pair finally came to an agreement on Henry's living arrangement. During the week he would stay with Regina to be closer to his school and have some normalcy of his usual home, and then on the weekends Henry would go stay with Emma at her new apartment. Friday evening- Sunday evening. It couldn't be that bad! Except for the fact Regina hasn't spent even a night away from her little boy since he was born, and this was killing her.
"I miss you too mommy! But I be back..." he reassured his brunette mother with a happy smile.
"I love you Henry."
"I love youuu!"
Regina wondered how Emma was. How she really was! Not how she was pretending to be just for appearances..Regina had a feeling she already new the answer. Up until this point Regina hadn't had the courage to let Henry leave for stay over nights...and gracefully as Emma always was she understood that, so Emma would take Henry out for lunch or to the park. Sometimes out for ice cream, but this was the first official day where he would be gone the entire weekend. With that Regina and Emma had barely seen each other since the meeting! Only for drop offs and pick ups, but they barely spoke.
Emma could barely look Regina in the eyes...to much guilt and pain. Regina on the other hand was just tired and ready for this to all be over! Just end. That's not to say Regina wasn't grieving horribly...because she felt immense pain for the loss of her marriage, but she also started mourning the loss long before the discussion of divorce. They tried everything to rekindle what they had. Bring back the bond and the trust, but it just felt torn. Anytime Regina even tried to bring up signing the papers, Emma would quickly just claim busyness and rush away.
"Mama is here Hen..." Regina smiled, trying to look excited for her son but she felt a pain in her gut at the prospect of him leaving. That being said she also knew it wasn't fair to Emma to continue to keep Henry away, not that she was doing it on purpose. Emma was a fantastic mother and deserved time with their son just as Regina did.
Emma jumped out of the car, opening her arms wide for Henry to run into. He sprinted towards his blonde mother, his beanie falling off his head in the process and he catapulted himself in his mamas arms. "My boy!" Emma squealed happily and kissed all over his face. He was the spitting image of Emma..but also had Regina's dark hair and dark eyes, paired with her same attitude. Regina carried Henry and they used Emma's egg making them equal parts of the birth of their son.
"I miss you!" Henry giggled happily, nuzzling against his mothers neck. Regina sighed and walked down the cobblestone walk way, bending down to grab his beanie. She wiped the snow off of it and slowly placed it back on his head, making sure his ears were entirely covered. "Mommyyyy.." Henry whined, fixing it so his eyes weren't covered.
"Sorry my prince." Regina giggled, rubbing his back gently as she fought back tears. Emma could tell she was struggling with this separation and it didn't give her any joy at all to take Henry. "Hey Reg..if you want you should come over tonight. You can tuck him in if you want.."
"So she speaks.." Regina mumbled, looking down at the ground. "Y-yeah I'm sorry I just-" Regina shook her head and gently put her hand up for Emma to stop, shrugging. "Um no...I think it's better he gets in a routine. As much as I'd love to tuck him in it may just confuse him."
"I get that. Okay. If you change your mind-"
"Thank you, Emma."
Emma turned and opened her car door, putting Henry in his booster seat and buckling him in. Regina handed Emma his backpack that was securely on her shoulder, their fingers barely grazed and Emma felt shivers move up her spine. Probably just from how cold it was outside. Regina's eyes caught a glimpse at Emma's hand and she noticed her ex was still wearing her wedding band. Her breath caught in her throat as she stared at it a moment to long because Emma must have noticed, hurrying into the drivers side and cranking the heat on without another word, keeping her eyes anywhere but on Regina.
"Hen say bye to mommy!" Emma smiled, looking at Henry in her rear view mirror.
"Bye mommy! I wuv you!"
"I love you too, darling. Be good for mama and call me before bed please..." Henry nodded happily and with that Emma shut the drivers door, slowly pulling out of the drive way and out of sight. All alone now.
--/--
Regina made her infamous lasagna and sat down at the table, sipping on a glass of red wine. She looked around herself and let out a shuttered breath. Three chairs set at their table for the family that once sat here all together, all the laughs they shared and kind words now just distant memories... Regina smiled fondly as she reminisced on one memory in particular
"Mama, mommy this is so yummy.."
"I am very glad baby boy." Regina smiled, taking another delicate bite of her food as she sat in the center of her two favorite people in the entire world.
"Kid you speak no lies. This food is the for real."
Regina crinkled her eyebrows and let out a true laugh, sending Henry into a fit of giggles as well even though he probably had zero idea what his brunette mother was laughing at. "W-what's so funny!" Emma giggled, a mouth full of food.
"Since when do you speak like that? Your fellow police officers must be rubbing off on you because that was the weirdest sentence I think you have ever said.." Regina giggled, wiping a happy tear from her eye.
"Hmm" Emma hummed sarcastically, taking a sip of her beer. "Henry hear that? Mommy thinks she's quite funny!"
"Quite silly mommy!" Henry covered his mouth with his small hands, giggling happily.
"Emma don't you dare!" Regina gasped, going to stand up when a clump of pasta was thrown at her landing on her cheek. "Oh no you didn't!" Regina gasped and Henry backed up, squealing happily.
"Who's the silly one now huh!?"
"Both! Both!" Henry stood up, getting a hand full of pasta in his own small hand.
"Henry Daniel! Look what you did now Emma Swan-Mills!"
"You started this!" Emma gasped when a meatball was chucked across the table, hitting her directly in the forehead and leaving a saucy stain behind. Regina laughed happily and wiped any sauce on her palm from the attack on a cloth napkin.
"Food fight!" Emma squealed
"No no no-" Regina gasped as food was launched at her from both Henry and Emma, she covered her face best she could blindly reaching for her own food weapon.
"You're both dead!" They spend the better half of an hour goofing off before realizing they now all had to help clean up this huge mess. Worth it.
Regina was torn from her happily thoughts by her cell phone going off across the room.She hadn't even noticed she was cryinguntil she reached up and felt the wet lines of tears on her cheeks. She quickly wiped them away, answering the phone immediately when she saw the caller ID. "Hello is everything okay?"
Emma sniffled into the phone and let out a shaky sigh. "No...I mean yes! Not an emergency or anything but Henry misses you. Can you please come over and help tuck him in? He's still getting adjusted and I think it just might help." Regina frowned, hearing the clear distress in her ex's voice. "Hey...why are you crying?" Regina whispered, her heart hurting.
"I mean...does Henry ever cry from being away from me when he's with you?"
Regina now understood completely why Emma was so upset. She felt rejected, and when that happens...especially with your own child it's incredibly painful. "All the time." Regina whispered, running her fingers through her hair
"Wh-why wouldn't you call me?"
"Because I...I felt it would only make this process harder on him. If he gets used to us just...both being there it's so confusing. Eventually he got used to it and he would of course tell me he missed you, but letting him know when he would see you seemed to help him."
Emma let out a relieved sigh, clearing happy that it wasn't just her causing their son to feel such distress. "So you're not coming over then?" There was a long pause and Emma felt that was her answer. "Okay- so what? I just tell him to get over it I mean-"
"No of course not Emma!" Regina couldn't help her attitude coming into play here. She obviously didn't want to dismiss their sons feelings...but also couldn't exactly give him what he wanted. "You just tell him...that I want to talk to him on the phone and that he will see me in a few days, and then ask if he wants some cuddles. That usually helps him." Regina couldn't help her voice from wavering, a choked sob leaving her lips. "Then you can put a movie on or something until he falls asleep...it usually distracts him."
"Reg...this sucks" Emma whimpered, closing her eyes and clutching the phone closer to herself as if almost trying to get closer to Regina.
"I uh..." Regina didn't know what to say, but she couldn't discuss this right now. It was all too much. Emma was well aware why they didn't make it...and bringing it up hurt way to much. "Can you put Henry on please?"
Emma went over to where he was laying in his new room and bent down, kissing his forehead. "Baby boy someone is on the phone for you.." she singsonged and smiled when his little hand moved out from under the covers, reaching up to take the phone in his hand. "Mommy?" He whispered sadly.
"Hi baby boy.."
"Come over here! Mama and me are here... and we can all be togever?" Regina felt her heart nearly shatter at that sentence and she didn't have a clue what to say in response.
"My prince...mommy can't come over tonight but guess what?"
"What?"
"I'm going to see you on Sunday! And we're going to do a movie night and I'll take you out for ice cream." She smirked, knowing that would make him happier. Ice cream was his favorite.
"With mama too...?" His brunette mother let out a shuttered breath and nodded to herself. They would have to learn to at least spend some time together..for Henry's sake. "If mama wants to then yes she is absolutely invited."
"Mama you hear that?" Henry squealed happily, "ice cream all together on Sunday?" Emma felt her heart blossom at how excited their boy sounded, and shatter all at the same time when remembering that...ice cream together didn't change the fact that they weren't together.
"That sounds like an amazing idea kid." Emma shoved her hands in her pockets, waiting patiently for their call to end. Regina heard Emma's response on the other end and smiled briefly, "okay darling now...be good for mama and go to bed? Mama will put on a movie for you to fall asleep..just like we do here."
"Okay mommy...I love you."
"I love you too my prince.." and with that the call ended, and Regina fell into a fit of sobs the second she dropped the phone. She couldn't believe how much pain her heart was in! She allowed herself to feel the loss of their love all over again...except it wasn't lost because Regina still loved Emma so much. So much it ached just to be in the same room as her. Regina dragged herself up to her bedroom, leaving her empty plate on the table and half full glass of wine. She crawled under the covers of her bed, not taking her clothes off. She was too exhausted emotionally and physically. After what seemed like forever sleep finally took over, and she succumbed to a dreamless night of sleep.
--/--
Regina woke up to five missed texts and three missed calls from no other than her ex, "shit shit shit..." Regina immediately jumped to her feet, throwing on the first thing she pulled from her drawer. A pair of black leggings and a white v-neck t shirt. With no time to put her contacts in, she rushed into her nightstand drawer and grabbed out her glasses before running out to her car.
She made it to Emma's apartment in good time, only took her about ten minutes until the car was securely parked and she was climbing two flights of stairs, racing to Emma's door and ringing the bell about five times. Emma pulled it open in no time, the smell of bacon filled the entry way and Regina signed heavily.
"You called me like five times..I thought there was some big emergency." Regina pushed passed Emma and into the apartment, smiling when she saw their son sitting at the table with a cup of oj in his hands.
"Mommy!" Henry screamed, jumping from his seat and running over to his mom standing in the entryway. "Hello baby!" Regina picked him up in one big motion, hugging him as close to her as she could.
"Yeah..sorry. He woke up a few times in the night crying and I was just...panicked but I eventually got him back to bed. Again, sorry it won't happen again."
"Emma goodness no. Please call me whenever you need to! If we're doing this we...we have to be in it together. I was just worried because I didn't know what had happened, so I just got up and raced over."
"I see that..." Emma smirked, finally giving Regina a proper once over. Emma absolutely loved when Regina dressed this way. She seemed so cozy, but at the same time she looked incredibly sexy. A blush covered Regina's cheeks as she noticed Emma's intense gaze. After a moment Emma realized and pulled her eyes away, a blush of her own covering her entire body with warmth. "You look good." She mumbled with a shrug making Regina giggle and roll her eyes. That comment definitely lightened the mood, "how are you feeling this morning baby?" Regina mumbled into her sons hair, rocking him gently. "Great! Mama is making breakfast."
"I see that!" Regina raised an eyebrow and hummed, giving the now messy kitchen a once over. "Well..I have to go home and get ready for work. A mayors job is never done. " Regina slowly set Henry down to the floor and looked up Emma who was studied her inquisitively, "what?"
"Nothing just...don't you usually have Saturday and Sunday off?" Of course Emma would know that. They were married for ten years! In all reality Regina just couldn't stay home alone. The silence in that house was deafening and made her just feel more and more lonely. Being anywhere but there right now was the best option. "Yes...but I just have some paperwork to fill out and now is as good a time as any." Emma just looked at her, slowly nodding her head as if not really believing her story. In the past Regina would always say, Everything can wait until Monday when my official work day resumes.
"You know that uh...park I just signed off on building?"
"Oh yeah."
"Yes well...the contractor sent me over a contract to look over and fill out but it's waiting at the office so I-"
"Regina, you owe me no explanation...go do what you gotta do." Emma mumbled, leaning against the door.
"Right. Yeah. Sorry."
Emma shook her head, not accepting Regina's need to apologize. "Don't get me wrong I would love to hear all about it. I just don't want you to feel like you need to tell me it if you don't want to."
"Yes well...that's going to be a hard habit to break."
"Absolutely." Emma agreed, smiling fondly at the beauty in her walkway.
"Henry, mommy loves you!"
"I wuv you!" Henry picked up his plastic fork, hitting it against the table awaiting his breakfast.
"Henry...patience." Emma mumbled, opening the door for Regina. "Emma?"
Emma's ears immediately perked up, giving Regina her full undivided attention. "We should...talk." Emma's face immediately fell at the mention of having to talk.
"I'm just so b-"
"Emma Swan." Swan. For some reason that cut deep. "We need to talk. No more walking around this..please? For me?"
Emma rolled her eyes and closed them, "that isn't fair."
"Sunday evening. After you bring Henry back home...we can have a drink and just...talk." Emma seemed to agree to these terms because she found herself nodding along, sighing as Regina backed out of the apartment. "I'll see you both on Sunday." With that the door closed leaving Emma just standing there full of new anxiety.
"Okay...breakfast time."
--/--
"My Prince!" Regina smiled happily, speed walking up the cobblestone walkway and bending as far as her tight maroon pencil skirt would allow to scoop their son up in her arms. It was around seven at night which meant time for Henry to get ready for bed. "Go upstairs and brush your teeth...get changed for bed and I'll be right up." Henry smiled and nodded along, wiggling out of his moms arms and running into the house.
"Hi." Emma nervously shoved her hands in her pockets, biting on the inside of her cheek."
"Hello Emma." Regina smiled sadly and turned around, walking up the path and into the house with Emma right behind her.
"Is that a new skirt?"
"I'm sorry?" Regina blushed, grabbing wine glasses down from the cupboard.
"S-sorry.." Emma stuttered, closing her eyes. "I just don't think I've ever seen that skirt. It looks really nice."
"Well thank you. Yes it is new, I bought it last week." Emma nodded and watched as Regina filled her own wine glass.
"Got anything stronger?" Emma mumbled, a small laugh falling from her lips to lighten the mood. Regina giggled and nodded putting Emma's wine glass away. She grabbed a rocks glass and added ice, filling it with a double shot of Blanton's. Just how Emma liked it. "Ah perfect. Thank you."
"Mommy all done!" Henry called, his feet padding across the floor signaling he was ready to be tucked in. "Henry that was not two minutes of brushing!" The brunette beauty sighed and walked around the counter, "I'll be back..." and up the stairs she went, leaving Emma to sit alone in the kitchen. She tapped her fingers against the counter top, swishing her whiskey around before taking a slow sip. Loving the feeling of it sliding down her throat and burning just a little bit.
About ten minutes later Regina reappeared in the entry way of the kitchen, "sorry about that..."
"Never apologize when it comes to our son." Emma's tone was very serious so Regina just nodded in understanding, taking a slow sip of her wine. "Do you want to sit outside? It's a beautiful night."
"That sounds great...after you."
Regina lead the way outside, deciding to sit on the top porch step cradling her wine glass between her knees. Emma sat down after a minute and let out a large sigh, staring off into the driveway.
"Emma-"
"Regina I know you want me to sign the divorce papers...to be done with me, but I'm just...not ready I'm sorry." Regina winced at the way she phrased that, her eyebrows crinkling together. "To be done with you? Emma you are so wrong." She turned more to face the blonde and set her wine glass down behind her, "I do want this to be over you're right...but not because I want to be done with you-"
"No? Then why."
"If you would please let me finish..."
"You're right. I'm sorry. Please go on-"
"It hurts to damn much." Regina held back tears fighting to fall and let out a shaky breath, "technically I am still your wife...technically. And every time I see you...I think about how literally I am not. I see you and I see what we've lost..I love you. I probably always will! But I am aching inside and I can't describe to you how much it hurts to know you're here...but you'll never be here again." Regina whispered, a tear finally falling down her face. "Does that make sense?" Regina reached behind herself and grabbed her wine, taking a large gulp.
"But I want to be here! More than anything I want to fix what I broke. I want to still be your wife Regina-"
"Emma I can't trust you...I've tried and I just can't-"
"But why!"
"Emma!" Regina's face looked angrier now. Like she had been holding these emotions back, like it was killing her just to let the words slip out of her lips, "you cheated on me Emma. You broke my heart." A choked sob left her lips and she looked away, viciously wiping her tears.
A sob of her own left Emma's lips and she shook her head, downing the rest of her whiskey. "God I know...I know. I messed up so damn bad. There wasn't even-" she paused trying to think of what to say next, "I don't know why I did that...I didn't even know the chick. It didn't mean anything to me-"
"Emma please save it." Regina's tone was a more bitter one now, she was beyond hurt by what had happened...almost a year ago now and being near Emma made it ache even more. "We had a bad fight...and instead of talking to me. Your wife. Instead of...facing it...you left and went to a bar, got wasted and fucked the first bitch who would let you. Basically summing it up?" Hot tears were falling down Emma's face now and staining her shirt. She couldn't wipe them away fast enough, as soon as she did more would fall.
"I messed up. I messed up so damn bad...I know that my love."
"Please don't..." I Regina whined, standing up and walked down the porch steps. Her back turned away from Emma.
"No I need to say this. Please." Emma stood up, standing directly behind her. Regina turned around suddenly, staring directly at Emma with her fists tight at her sides. "What?"
"I messed up- me. I did that and ruined your trust for me and your faith in me...after ten years of marriage. So I shouldn't get a say in all of this! You're right Regina. I love you way too much to hurt you anymore. Just tell me what you want me to do."
Regina took a moment to collect herself, breathing deeply in through her mouth and out through her nose, "please Emma." She mumbled finally collecting herself and wiping any stray tears away from her face. "Just sign the papers and let's focus on being incredible parents to Henry."
Emma felt her heart sink. She didn't know why she expected this conversation to go any different! She messed up and now it was up to her to rebuild her relationship with Regina. If she wanted this she would have to fight for it...but do it Regina's way. "Okay...I will sign them first thing in the morning."
Regina nodded, her expression going numb, "thank you. I uh...think you should go now. This has just been-"
"A lot." Emma finished, sniffling. Regina nodded and turned around walking up the porch steps on shaky feet. She collected Emma's glass and her own, walking inside without turning around once. Emma squeezed her eyes shut when she heard the door lock, another stray tear falling down her face. The porch light went on and Emma walked back down the driveway and got into her car, disappearing into the night.
--/--
A/N- Thank you so much for reading this first chapter! I hope you enjoyed. Of course SwanQueen is endgame!
I'm hoping to bring in some real life issues into the mix and how different people in real circumstances may deal with it. Come along for the ride! Slow burn.
Comment and favorite if you're enjoying this so far!!