"...She was fantastic!" Emma's voice was firm, and her movements determined as she stuffed another piece of pie inside her mouth.
Regina shrugged and tried to look modest. She wasn't so sure she had been 'fantastic'. She had barely done anything, really. She had just been sort of glaring.
"I mean, the way she just glared at Mary Margaret..." Emma shook her head as to indicate that Regina had done something particularly amazing.
Regina did not agree.
"Did you give her the scary eyes?" Henry asked her and tilted his head a bit.
Regina let out a silent laughter. Her boy knew her too well.
"Okay, just to clarify..." Emma cupped a hand over her mouth as she chewed. Then she looked between Regina and Henry and asked: "what exactly is the scary eyes?"
"This is the scary eyes," Henry answered as he narrowed his eyes to thin slits. He made a point of glaring at both of them.
"Right. Yeah. That's exactly what your mom did. And in the future, don't ever give me that look, kid. It's nightmare stuff." Emma mock shivered and laughed.
So did Henry. He even looked quite proud of himself. Little rascal. But that actually was a rather phenomenal imitation, Regina thought to herself.
"I'm sorry the meeting with your adoptive parents didn't go as you'd hoped," Zelena interjected as she finished her own slice of pie.
"It is what it is," Emma shrugged, clearly trying to give the impression that it was no big deal. "I think I knew it deep down. That Mary Margaret would never change, I mean."
Regina was quick to reach out and touch her partner's hand. It was a big deal, and it did mean something.
"The one we really need to feel sorry for is Neal," Emma murmured, and a little wrinkle appeared between her eyebrows. "I doubt Mary Margaret will ever let David send him back to the foster home."
Regina gently squeezed her hand. She feared that Emma was right about that. Her impression of Mary Margaret was of an incredibly stubborn woman so rooted in her own beliefs it was impossible to reason with her. And those kind of people rarely changed their minds about anything.
"We should have grabbed him and run," Emma's voice was meek, and if she was trying to joke, she was failing miserably. "He liked you."
Regina smiled softly. She did not know if little Neal had liked her, but she had definitely liked him. He was a precious little boy, and thinking of him in the clutches of that woman made Regina sad. Just like it made her sad to think of Emma in the clutches of that woman.
"And you definitely did a much better job at holding him than I did," Emma blonde quipped and glanced at Henry. "But then again you have some experience in that department..."
Regina saw her trail off. Saw how the look in her eyes changed as the frown deepened. She could not know for sure, but she had a feeling that she knew what Emma was thinking about. The boy. The little baby in Mary Margaret and David's care. What would his life look like? Would Mary Margaret and David be better parents to him than they had been to Emma? Or would they continue the pattern? Regina dreaded to think about it. Dreaded to think what it had been like for Emma to grow up with Mary Margaret and David as her parents. They could just as well have ruined her. It was a miracle that they hadn't. Somehow, Emma had grown up to become the kindest, gentlest, loving woman Regina had ever met.
But Emma had gotten away from them. She had met Ella and her parents who had taken her in. She had been saved. What if Neal wouldn't have the same options as Emma? What if he didn't encounter someone who could get him away from the situation?
Regina bit the inside of her cheek. Thinking about it frustrated her. The knowledge that she was not able to do anything about the situation was aggravating.
"He deserves better," Emma whispered as though she knew what Regina was thinking about. "He deserves someone who'll love him and give him a home. Not a jail cell."
Regina gave her hand a little squeeze and wished that she could have done something for Neal. He was just a little baby. A helpless little soul who wouldn't be able to stand up to Mary Margaret for a very, very long time. God knew what damage she could do until then.
"Someone ought to save him," Emma said a bit spontaneously, and Regina tilted her head. She agreed. Someone definitely ought to save him. But who?
"As his sister, you could contact a social worker and express concern for his wellbeing," Zelena calmly interjected and took another bite of her pie.
"Mary Margaret would have my head if I did that," Emma said glumly and sipped her coffee. "I'll just have to hope that David will come to his senses and realize that a sick wife and a baby is too much."
"And send him back to the foster home?" until now, Henry had just been sitting and listening, but now he joined the conversation. He put his fork down and frowned. Regina could see that he too was worried about Emma's infant brother.
"Yeah," Emma confirmed. "I know it sounds harsh, kid, but believe me, anything is better than living with Mary Margaret. And he's like, the cutest baby ever. He'll find a new family in no time."
Absolutely. No doubt about that. Neal had been such a sweet little one. Holding him in her arms had made Regina go all soft. It had been ten years since she last held a baby in her arms, and well, Henry was obviously her everything, but perhaps a small part of her was still mourning that she could not have anymore children. She had loved the baby phase. Nothing could be compared to holding a baby in her arms. Rocking it to sleep. Hearing all the little snuffles babies made in their sleep.
And watching your baby grow… Teaching them to walk and talk… that was something very special. Something Regina wouldn't have traded for the world. Something a part of her was longing to do again.
And Neal had been such a sweet baby…
"What's on your mind, beautiful?"
The gentle squeeze to her hand made Regina snap out of her thoughts. It was very silly of her to think so much about babies. She couldn't go completely baby-bananas just because Neal had been adorable. She silently scolded herself a bit. Then she scarfed down the last bit of pie.
"I'm sorry it didn't go well with your adoptive parents," Henry said to Emma and once again proved what a sweet and thoughtful boy he was.
"It's okay, kid." Emma smiled at him. "I have you. And your mom."
"Why am I never included?" Zelena asked with faux sadness.
Emma and Henry chuckled at that, but Regina was much more focused on treating herself to a second slice of pie and eating mouthful after mouthful with vigor. The pie was so good, and this was her last chance to eat solid food before the operation. Six weeks on liquid diet. Oh god. That was going to be tough. She wouldn't have much of an appetite first, she knew that from the first operation. The one that hadn't worked. She had actually battled nausea for quite a while. She hoped it wouldn't be like that this time. Eating to get her strength back was important after the surgery. Even if the menu only consisted of soup. And ice cream.
That was when she became aware that Emma was looking at her. Regina carefully swallowed the mouthful of pie and flashed Emma a sheepish smile.
"Good pie?" Emma asked and chuckled softly.
Yes, that couldn't be denied. Regina nodded. But she ate the next mouth of pie with less.. vigor. She should not sit and consume the food like that. It probably did not look pretty. I really don't like women who eat like pigs, Regina. It's very unattractive.
"Knock yourself out." Emma's voice effectively cut through the echo of Killian's voice in her mind. "It is a good pie!"
Henry sniggered, another sound that banished the murmur of Killian's voice in her mind. Good. He had no business being there. Regina threw herself into the pie eating. And she quickly forgot about Killian's past comments…
At some point, Regina followed her son's example and left the table. He had gone upstairs to the hotel room he shared with Zelena to do some homework. Regina used the excuse that she wanted to apply some cream to her neck because it was itching. That was not true. Her neck was not itching at all. The truth was, that she had started to get anxious about the operation. Again. She needed a moment. And now seemed like a good time to take that moment. Emma had been sitting quietly next to her for a while. Regina suspected that she was 'digesting', or trying to digest the meeting with her adoptive parents. And she did not want to disturb during that.
Regina looked at herself in the full-figure mirror on the wall. She looked at her neck. At the marks covering it. She had learned to live with them, but she was looking forward to having them removed. If it was possible. Her doctor had assured her that it was, but Regina was pessimistic enough to doubt it. The markings were so deep. Especially the dent the belt buckle had left. She lifted her hand and touched the spot lightly. Cringed and bit the inside of her cheek. She still wasn't all that good at touching her neck. She much preferred when Emma was the one doing the touching. It was hard to imagine all kinds of horror scenarios as she stood there and looked at the markings on her neck. What if something went wrong? What if she ended up with many more scars instead of fewer? What if the doctor for some reason was not able to perform the surgery? What if the surgery wasn't going to work? What if it was a fluke like the last time?
Regina took a deep, calming breath and willed herself to stop thinking so much. She would end up giving herself an ulcer. Being anxious wouldn't help anything. It certainly wouldn't make things easier.
It was just a teeny tiny surgery.
Two hours, and she would be awake.
Awake before she knew of it.
And everything would be just fine.
The operation would go swimmingly.
The implants would be… inserted. Her vocal chords would be repaired, and she would be able to talk again. Not right away, of course, but once the six weeks were up.
Regina thought about that as she touched her neck. Wondered what that would be like. Talking again. Would she sound very different? Her doctor had warned her that her voice could be a bit different. Hoarser. Honestly, Regina was a little worried about that. Her voice had always been quite dark and hoarse. Friends and colleagues had told her that they had been surprised when she started talking, because they had not expected her to have such a dark voice.
What if she ended up sounding very different? Would that create a new problem? Would she grow anxious to talk because of her voice?
She hoped not. She just wanted everything to go without a hitch. That wasn't too much to ask for, was it? Hadn't she deserved that this thing went smoothly? No complications. No reason to worry.
Regina thoughtfully touched her neck again. And not too many scars, please. God. She had just gotten used to walking around with her throat exposed, and now she had to deal with bandages and plasters and dressing the wound. Again. She had not been good at caring for the wound the first time. Zelena had to help her. Maybe she would be better at it this time around. One could only hope.
Knock-knock.
Regina returned the knocking by tapping twice on the wall. In the mirror, she saw the door opening and Emma stepping inside the room. She closed the door behind her and walked right over to Regina. Her arms wrapped around Regina from behind.
Regina had not expected the embrace, but it was a most welcome surprise. She immediately leaned back against the touch. That felt really nice.
"Do you have any idea how awesome you were at the hospital?" asked her, nuzzling her nose into her hair. "I think Mary Margaret was a bit afraid of you."
Afraid of her? Hardly. Regina rumbled quietly and turned around in Emma's arms, so they were face to face. That didn't make Emma let go of her. She merely gave her waist a little squeeze and smiled at her.
Regina did not return the smile. She pursed her lips instead. Even though Emma was smiling, she could still see that hint of worry in Emma's beautiful green eyes. She'd had that look in her eyes ever since they had left the hospital. Regina wished that she could have done more. Been more.
"What is it?" now Emma was really frowning.
Regina carefully freed herself from Emma's arms and walked over to the nightstand where she had left her phone. She grabbed the device and perched herself on the edge of the bed. Began typing as Emma walked over and sat down next to her. Her hair smelled of coconut, but for once, Regina could not get distracted by it. She was much too busy writing a message. One that told Emma exactly how she was feeling.
'I so wish I could have said something to Mary Margaret. Standing there and hearing her say all those horrible things to you without being able to tell her to shut up was quite hard. I know that obviously, it is so much harder for you, which I suppose makes it even harder that I was not able to tell her off. If that even makes sense.' It had been so aggravating to just stand there and listen to Mary Margaret spewing venom at Emma. She had said so many incredibly harsh things, and all Regina could do, was glare at her. What good had that even done?
Regina showed the message on her phone to Emma, and as Emma read, Regina was already beginning to regret writing the message. What business did she have to whine when Emma was the one all the venom had been aimed at?
"It does," Emma interrupted her train of thoughts. "And it doesn't."
Regina lifted an eyebrow. She wasn't following.
"You were there," Emma clarified. "You were right there all the time. You hugged me afterwards when I was upset."
True, but…. Regina swiftly wrote another message on the phone. 'I feel like I couldn't protect you. I couldn't keep you safe.' She turned the screen towards Emma and bit the inside of her cheek again. Standing there and not being able to say a word to defend the woman she loved had made her feel so, so powerless.
"You-" Emma pressed her lips to hers in a sweet kiss.
Regina had not expected that and made a slight little gasping noise. But once again, she was not unhappy about the development. She took Emma's hands between her own and returned the kiss. As unexpected as this was, kissing Emma was always so, so nice.
After a moment, Emma broke the kiss and finished the sentence: "-always protect me. Always and no matter what." She squeezed Regina's hands softly. "you protected me today by being there. Don't ever think otherwise."
Regina did not get a chance to respond before Emma was kissing her again. Much more intensely than before. She was actually 'tackling' Regina. Not much. But enough to make Regina loose balance and fall backwards onto the bed with a slight grunt.
"Woops," Emma chuckled and did that adorable scrunching thing with her nose. "You okay?"
A bit more than okay. Regina rumbled in response. Gave the quickest of nods and then tugged Emma down on top of her. Might as well take advantage of the position she currently was in.
"Why, professor Mills, I think you're flirting with me," Emma gave her one of those cheeky smirks and made a point of adjusting herself on top of Regina. Then she dipped down and slotted their lips together in another kiss.
Regina eagerly buried her fingers in Emma's hair as they kissed, and she thought to herself that perhaps this was exactly what they needed to get past the catastrophic meeting at the hospital. There was nothing more de-stressing than kissing, Regina thought to herself as she deepened the kiss just a little bit. Oh god, she could do this all day if she got the chance. Kissing Emma was so, so lovely, and pretty soon she would have no energy for kissing Emma. She would be tired after the operation and affected by the painkillers for a long time. This was one of their last opportunities to do this. A teasing little nip to her bottom lip had Regina moaning slightly. That felt really nice too.
Knock-knock-knock. "Mom? Can I come in?"
Regina adored her son. She would tear the world apart for him. Walk on burning coal for him. But right now, she wished that he hadn't chosen this moment to knock on the door. On top of her, Emma groaned. She clearly wished that Henry had chosen a different moment too. She rolled off of Regina, and Regina sat up and ran a couple of fingers through her hair. She brushed a hand over her now slightly crumpled clothes and tapped her fist against the nightstand twice to indicate that Henry could come in.
Henry nudged the door open and poked his head inside. "Can you please come and help me?" he asked and looked at Regina. "There's a math thing I can't figure out."
A math thing. That sounded interesting. Regina was all for it. She nodded and smiled in confirmation. Stood from the bed. Gave Emma's cheek a soft pat and followed her son out of the hotel room.
In the room Henry was sharing with Zelena, the 'math thing' awaited. Henry gave a very detailed explanation to what the problem was, and Regina sat down on the bed and tried her best to guide him in the right direction. Her math skills were… Well, they were pretty rusty. Good thing they had Zelena nearby in case they needed assistance.
"I really don't get it," Henry said and wrinkled his nose. "Why does math have to be so hard?"
Regina rumbled softly as she took the paper from him and went over the assignment. She frowned softly and sort of wished she'd taken her reading glasses with her. The writing seemed very small. Or perhaps she was just getting older. Either way, she was pretty sure she could see what the problem was, and she wiggled her fingers in the air to explain it to her son.
"Oh." Henry perked up. "I didn't think of that. Thanks, mom."
Regina smiled at him and bopped his nose. No thank you's were required.
He settled down on the bed and began doing his math. Now and then he glanced up at her. "Are you nervous about tomorrow?"
Regina immediately shook her head no. Because that was what she was supposed to do. Be strong. Assure her son that the operation tomorrow was no big deal. That it would be over in a flash and that there was nothing to be nervous about.
"That's good," Henry said, but Regina was sure she could hear something in his voice. A teeny tiny doubt. Did he not believe her? Or was he perhaps nervous about the operation?
She did not get the chance to ask him before there was a knock on the door and Emma asked if she could come and join them. And of course she could…
As much as Regina had told herself that she would not be nervous and only be calm, she didn't quite succeed. As day turned into night, she found herself touching her neck more and more. Found herself thinking more and more about the upcoming surgery. She was fidgety during dinner and couldn't stop touching her scarf. As though she was trying to get used to wearing one again. She was almost relieved when they parted ways with Zelena and Henry and retired to their own room for the night. Absentmindedly, she sat down on the edge of the bed and just as absentmindedly, she took off her scarf and touched her neck. She was hyper focused on her throat. Couldn't stop thinking about it. Couldn't stop touching the scars. She was thinking way too much about the possibility that she would get new scars.
A slight squeeze to her shoulder had her snapping out of her thoughts.
"How about that shower, babe?" her voice was all soft and Regina immediately felt a little less tense. A shower would be very nice. She nodded.
"Come on then," Emma said with a soft chuckle and held a hand out towards her.
Regina happily accepted that offer. Let Emma tug her up from the bed.
They walked into the bathroom. None of them wasted any time with taking off their clothes. Regina discovered that taking off her clothes was actually quite liberating. She had been feeling just a smidge uncomfortable, but this helped.
As did the warm spray in the shower. The hot water soaking her skin and hair, felt cleansing in more than one way. Regina felt her muscles gradually start to relax and loosen up. That was a good thing. The last thing she needed, was a tension headache. Or back pain.
Emma's arms wrapped around her and gently pulled her closer. "Have I ever mentioned how much I love taking showers with you?"
Oh, only a few hundred times. Regina flashed her a smile and nodded. She didn't mind hearing it one hundred and one times.
"And have I ever mentioned how cute you look with wet hair?" Emma continued. Very rhetorically. And smirking in that particularly delightful way.
Regina smirked right back at her. Yes, Emma had told her that before too.
"Now hug me, damnit."
The unbelievably cute demand had Regina's heart melting and her chest rumbling as she willingly wrapped her arms around Emma and pulled her closer. Only Emma could ask for hugs in this particular way.
"Oooh," Emma cooed into her hair. "This is nice."
It was. Hugging Emma was always a very nice experience. But hugging Emma when they were both undressed was particularly nice. The wheels in Regina's head starting turning. She was getting ideas. This was the absolute last call before the surgery. After tonight, there would be none of this for six weeks. Six long weeks.
It would be a shame not to take advantage of the time they had carved out for themselves. Regina lowered her hand some. To silently ask Emma what she thought of her idea.
"That too."
Satisfied with that feedback, Regina gently caressed Emma's stomach. She kept her touches light. She felt more than heard Emma take an extra breath. Another excellent sign. Regina took her touches lower. Slowly, she inched her way down Emma's abdomen. Emma was shifting against her. Pressing herself firmer against her body. Regina loved that Emma always was so responsive to her. She loved that Emma always showed how she felt and what she wanted.
"Mmm, babe," Emma murmured. "That feels so good!"
Good. That was the intention. Regina gave a low hum and slipped her hand so low, she could cup Emma's core. Emma adjusted some. Parted her legs. Perfect.
Regina took things a step further. Stroked gently between Emma's legs. Emma was slippery there. Because of the shower. And for other reasons.
She felt herself getting more excited. Her thighs clenched as she stroked Emma a bit more purposefully.
"Are you sure you should be doing that?"
Regina immediately froze, and for a single horrible second, she imagined Emma saying that she wasn't interested in this right now.
"I mean, I want t-to," Emma stuttered and clearly tried to explain. "I always want to, but I was just-" she did not finish the sentence and moaned quietly.
Regina patiently waited for Emma to say what she needed to say, but her fingers didn't seem to respond to her brain. They kept touching between Emma's legs. She couldn't help herself.
"B-big day to... tomorrow- oh god!- I don't want you to tire yourself."
She was the furthest thing from tired. She was in the mood, and she leaned in and kissed Emma. The kiss was immediately returned. Emma's arms loosened around her waist, and she cupped her cheeks. Chuckled into the kiss. Regina was not entirely sure why, but she was delighted. Emma's laughter was the best thing in the whole world.
No. That actually wasn't true. Emma's laughter was the second best thing in the whole world. There was just one more thing that was better than her laughter.
Regina found Emma's clit with the tip of a finger, and there it was, the best sound in the whole world. Emma moaning. She shifted. Backed up against the wet tiles. Regina was satisfied with that. Some solid ground behind Emma, was a good idea. She didn't want her to fall or anything.
Their new position made it easier for Regina to move her lips to Emma's neck whilst continuing to stroke her clit without worrying about Emma slipping. Or slipping herself. Slowly, she trailed her lips up and down Emma's neck. Her strokes to Emma's clit were equally slow as well. They were making the most of this 'last call'. There was absolutely no reason to rush this.
Emma's head lolled to the side, and Regina immediately took advantage of that and kissed a spot just below Emma's ear. She smiled a little when the reaction came immediately. Emma moaned softly and swiveled her hips. Regina answered by switching to slowly rubbing her clit in circles rather than stroking up and down. She knew how much Emma liked the circular motion.
"I love you."
The sweet declaration had Regina pausing for just a moment. Emma's voice had barely been audible over the sound of the pouring water, but of course Regina had heard her. She kissed the side of Emma's neck again. Moved her fingers faster.
Emma groaned. Regina answered by cupping her right breast lightly. Then squeezing it softly. Emma liked that too. And so did Regina. She could feel herself getting wetter and wetter, and she wondered if they should spend the entire night in here. Under the warm spray. Pressed against one another. She briefly lifted her head to look at the woman she loved. Emma looked so lovely with wet hair and her eyes closed and her lips slightly parted. Was that a little half-smile? It certainly looked like it. Her hips swiveled again, and Regina stroked her clit a little faster. Lowered her head so she could kiss Emma's neck again. Emma moaned softly, and Regina was hit with a sudden burst of inspiration. She moved her mouth from Emma's neck and to her left breast instead.
"Oh god," Emma moaned. "Regina…"
Honestly, Regina was surprised that Emma's voice alone didn't make her come undone on the spot. That breathy tightness in Emma's voice made her feel weak in the knees. The urgency in Emma's voice nearly made her stray from her plan about taking things slow. But at the last minute, she reminded herself that tonight was their last chance to do this before the six weeks of recovery. She would be damned if she rushed the process. She wanted this to be slow and gentle. And she wanted to see the look on Emma's face when she came. Emma looked so beautiful when she was in the throes of passion. Pampering Emma was the most important thing. She could ignore the throbbing sensation between her legs for a little longer. Even though it was getting harder. Emma wasn't the only one who had quick responses. Sometimes all it took was a certain look or particular touch from Emma to make Regina yearn for more.
Emma made a soft little noise. One that indicated that it was time for Regina to look up so she could see the look on her face. She wouldn't want to miss that for the world…
You would think that their wonderful little 'moment' in the shower had caused Regina to fall asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow, and dream the most wonderful dreams.
But that was not the case. At all.
Long after a happy, tired, satisfied Emma had fallen asleep, Regina was still very much awake. And uneasy. Once again, she was thinking about the operation tomorrow. It was like her brain picked out random things about the operation to be anxious about, and tonight it just so happened to be the anesthesia. All the sudden, she was terrified of being put to sleep. She was terrified of being reminded of all the times she had to be sedated to let the doctor come near her. She was terrified of never waking up again.
It was absolutely aggravating. Because rationally, she knew that everything would be just fine. She would be put to sleep and wake up again two hours later.
But she wasn't capable of being rational right now. She was scared. Terrified. The fear was sinking its claws into her chest and making her heart beat way too fast. It made her shiver despite the hotel room being nice and warm.
Regina shifted in the plushy chair and tugged her legs up under her. Rubbed her arms a bit. She so wished that she was able to sleep, but her mind refused to quieten down for the night. She had considered the possibility of getting some air. Going out on the balcony. Or perhaps even leaving the hotel room and wander up and down the long hallways. But after some consideration, she had decided that that would be a bad idea. She wasn't sure she would feel comfortable with roaming the hotel hallways in the middle of the night. With anxiety came paranoia, and the last thing Regina needed right now, was for the shadows to come alive and turn into Killian Jones coming towards her in the darkness.
Killian Jones. The very reason Regina was sitting in this chair. The man who had stolen her voice and part of her identity. She should not be thinking about him, she knew that. But she couldn't help it. He always popped into her head when she was feeling vulnerable. He slipped through the cracks in her mind and when she closed her eyes, she could see that cold, menacing smile that once was her greatest fear. That was the way he had smiled at her on the night where he-
"Hey."
Emma's voice had Regina turning her head. The image of Killian smiling faded away.
"Why aren't you in bed, Mills?" Emma sounded like she was chiding. "It's late."
Regina shrugged. Didn't want to make Emma worried. But it would appear that the not-quite-nonchalant shrug was enough to make Emma suspicious. She got out of bed. Walked over to the chair Regina was sitting in and put a soft hand on her knee. "Come back to bed. Please."
Regina shook her head in response. There would be no point in coming back to bed when she could not sleep. She would only toss and turn and end up waking Emma.
"Have you even slept at all since we went to bed?"
She shook her head and wished that she had been smart enough to nod instead. Admitting to not having slept would only make Emma worried. Damn it.
"You should have poked me." Definitely chiding again. "I could have helped."
Regina smiled. Or, tried to. It felt like her lips weren't doing her bidding. She was in no mood for smiling. The anxiety squeezed her chest and made the shadows grow around her. All of them shaped as Killian Jones. All of them grinning at her. Look at me, Regina. I still have power over you. I'm never far away. You can't get away from me. I'll always be right here…
Emma's warm hand cupped her cheek. "Hey."
When had she started to look away? Regina hastily turned her head and looked at Emma again.
"Don't disappear," Emma said to her. "And don't sit here in the darkness. Come back to bed, beautiful. Please?" she held out a hand towards her.
Sitting here in the darkness would clearly get her nowhere. This time, Regina accepted the hand being held out towards her.
"You're cold," Emma quietly observed as she held Regina's wrist in her hand. "We can't have that. Let's get you warmed up, babe."
Back to bed they went. Emma clearly took the 'warming up' thing very seriously. She certainly made a point of covering every inch of her in the duvet. Then she snuggled into her side. Body molding after Regina's in that particular, soothing way Regina loved.
"Communicate with me," Emma gently prompted.
Obviously, Regina was not going to shake her head no and refuse to talk about what was going on. That wasn't her. That wasn't them. The core in their relationship was communication. And it had been since day one. That was why Regina found her phone and began typing on it even though delving into her feelings wasn't what she wanted to do the most.
'I'm so terribly nervous.', she wrote and tried hard not to feel like a failure. This was ridiculous, wasn't it? She was ridiculous. She had been fine earlier. Better than fine. She had been upbeat and in the mood, and now she had been reduced to this. A nervous wreck. With a sigh, she flipped the screen so Emma could read.
"Of course you are," Emma said softly, dipping her head and pressing a kiss to Regina's pajama clad shoulder.
The shadows grew around her again. It was like they were reaching up to her from the floor and threatening to pull her down with them. Regina's fingers were shaking slightly now as she typed on the phone once more. 'And I'm scared too,' she typed and chose to bare her soul and one of the many fears she had.'I keep thinking about how it was the last time I was in the hospital. How I couldn't bear the idea of anyone touching me, how the operation didn't work. I was in such a dark place when I found out that the surgery had been unsuccessful, and I'm frightened of going back to that place.' Before she could regret it, she turned the phone towards Emma.
It did not take Emma long to read what she had written, and when she was done, she said: "come here."
Regina's hands shook so badly, she ended up dropping the phone on the nightstand with a slight thud, but she paid no attention to that as she slid closer to Emma who immediately wrapped her arms tightly around her and held her close.
"If you are going back to that place, I'll be right there with you," Emma softly promised with her nose in Regina's hair and her mouth close to her ear. "I'm not letting you go anywhere without me. Not even to dark places. I'll be there. And I'll help you get back."
Oh, how she had promised herself that she would not cry. But Emma's words made something shatter within her, and her next breath came out ragged. A sob. She was breaking.
Emma's response was to hold her even closer. "It's okay to be scared, babe. It's more than okay," she murmured and rubbed her back and shoulders in a motion that normally would have been soothing. "You've already been through so much, and you have no idea how proud I am of you for doing this. You are so, so, so brave!"
Regina smiled meekly. Brave? Oh no, no, no, she was the furthest thing from brave right now. She felt like a complete wimp. She was not about to undergo brain or open heart surgery. This was literally just a minor thing. Something that would be over and dealt with in two hours. And yet it still reduced her to this. An absolute mess.
"Yes, you are," Emma said stubbornly in that and-that's-all-there-is-to-it way. "You're the bravest person I know."
Regina wished that she could believe that. She wanted to be brave. But the shadows were whispering to her. Pulling at her.
Emma moving. Proving her physical strength by effortlessly shifting so Regina was on top of her. She began drawing on Regina's back. Regina was able to identify the sweet love declarations, and the shadows faded some. When Emma wrote the word 'brave' on her back, she cracked a little bit again and ended up sniffling. She tried to mask it as a cough. Emma didn't comment on it. So perhaps she hadn't heard it. Or maybe she was simply giving the impression that she had not heard it. Regina loved her a little more for that.
It felt very soothing. The way Emma was writing on her back and rubbing it. Emma was good with her hands. In every way possible, but right now, it was the massage Regina was focusing on. Emma's fingers on her back made her feel all heavy. Sleepy. Perhaps she would end up dozing off like this. On top of Emma. And perhaps that was completely fine. After all, no place was better or safer than this. The shadows could not reach her here.
The feeling of Emma's fingers on her back, the feeling of being absolutely safe, was the last thing Regina felt before falling asleep….
It was a damn shame the feeling did not stretch into next morning when they woke up and got dressed. Emma gently asked her how she felt. Regina communicated that she was fine. It was a lie, and they both knew that, but Emma did not push. Bless her.
They met Zelena and Henry in the downstairs restaurant. Henry looked like how Regina felt this morning. Nauseous. Worried. He gave her a big hug.
So did Zelena. A hug and a question. "How are you feeling, little sis?"
One more 'fine' would probably reduce her to a trembling mess hiding in the corner, so Regina settled for a neutral shrug. Zelena didn't probe any further.
They sat down to have breakfast. Well, Emma, Henry and Zelena did. Regina was not allowed to eat or drink anything before the surgery, and she thought to herself that that was a good thing. Her stomach kept churning like she was going to be sick. Now she was actually sort of looking forward to being put to sleep for a couple of hours. She couldn't be anxious when she was asleep, right? Regina fidgeted with the bottom of her silk scarf. Felt Emma gently touch her arm. She had done that a lot this morning, and Regina appreciated every single touch. Even though she was not able to fully respond to them right now. She had to settle for flashing Emma a little smile. That was when she noticed that Henry seemed to copy her behavior this morning. He wasn't eating. Only pushing the food around on his plate. They couldn't have that.
Regina leaned forward and pointed lightly to the plate and then to him.
"I'm not hungry," Henry said quietly. His eyes were very big and his voice so small and afraid.
They couldn't have that either. Regina pointed to the empty spot on the long bench she was sitting on, and Henry immediately understood what she was trying to communicate. He got up and went around the table. Sat down next to her.
Regina gently wrapped an arm around her son and pulled him into her side. She kissed the top of his head and hoped that she was succeeding in silently telling him that there was nothing to worry about.
It would be over in a flash.
It would.
The operation would go smoothly.
There certainly wouldn't be an issue with the anesthesia or anything. She would wake up afterwards as expected. And she definitely wouldn't wake up during the surgery. Nor would she dream about anything that could scare her.
She would be fine.
The doctors and nurses would take care of her when she slept. And when she woke up, Emma would be the first thing she would see. Just like they had agreed.
Nothing to be scared of at all.
Everything would be just fine.
Absolutely.
Emma's hand touched hers, and Regina automatically flipped her palm upwards so Emma could interlace her fingers with hers. That felt nice.
But something that wasn't so nice was the fact that Emma wasn't eating either. Regina frowned as she briefly moved her arm away from around Henry's shoulder to point at Emma's plate and back to Emma.
"Yeah…" Emma smiled sheepishly. "I'm not really feeling it this morning."
This wasn't right. Emma Swan was always feeling breakfast. Regina was not going to push her, but she certainly hoped that Emma was planning on eating something later.
"Am I the only one at this table who is actually hungry?" Zelena muttered.
Yes, it rather looked like it. Regina mustered a little smile. At least her pregnant sister had a healthy appetite. Good. She wrapped her arm around Henry's shoulder again and noted that her boy was snuggling into her in that particular way he did after having a nightmare. Had he perhaps had a bad dream last night? Or was there something else afoot? Regina wasn't quite sure why, but now and then she got the feeling that Henry wanted to say something to her. She did not know what it was or whether it was even true. It was just a hunch. A mom-feeling. She hadn't asked him about it. Yet. But if she kept picking up on the little signals she received from him now and then, she certainly would…
They left after breakfast. Piled into the taxi, Zelena had ordered before breakfast. Regina was armed with her pre-packed hospital bag that contained a fresh pajama, sweatpants and a soft t-shirt, her toothbrush and toothpaste, hairbrush, and her makeup. Perhaps she had been a bit too optimistic when packing. And obviously, she had also packed lots and lots of scarves.
But the hospital bag was not the only thing she was armed with in the taxi. Emma was sitting on her right side and holding her hand. And Henry was sitting on her left side and clutching her other hand. Regina felt like she was being guarded, and she wasn't at all unhappy about that. Having the people she loved the closest to her, almost worked better than the slow, deep breaths she practiced during the taxi ride to the hospital. The ones Doctor Kristine had taught her to use when she felt overwhelmed or anxious. Or both.
Right now it was definitely both.
The taxi ride to the hospital was a short one. It felt as though Regina had blinked and then they were there, and getting out of the taxi and walking up to the hospital. Emma opened the door for her with a soft and joking: "Milady.", and Regina managed to flash her a little smile as she went inside.
She was greeted by the familiar white walls and the smell. Hospitals always smelled funny. Regina wrinkled her nose. Reminded herself that this was nowhere near the psychiatric ward. This was nothing like that. She held her head high as she walked up to the front desk and presented the receptionist with the note, she had written earlier this morning. The note explaining why she was there and why she could not use her voice to communicate.
The receptionist glanced at the note and then looked up at Regina. Flashed her a warm smile. "Miss Mills. The nurse should be here in a moment."
First hurdle done. Now came the part she wouldn't be awake for. Or almost. First came the waiting. Which hopefully wouldn't be too long.
They headed into the waiting room where they could discard of their coats. Regina was barely aware that she was biting her lip until Emma took her hand and murmured: "I need that lip in one piece, beautiful."
The joke was lame, but Regina smiled, nonetheless. Thank god her face hadn't frozen in a permantly worried expression.
All four of them sat down, but Regina had barely made herself comfortable before she felt her phone vibrate in her coat pocket. Obviously, she had to investigate what that vibrating sound meant, and she fished the phone out of her pocket. The screen lit up and showed her the message, Malena had just sent her. 'I wish you the very best of luck today. I'm dreadfully sorry I can't be there to fuss over you, I should have liked that very much, but I trust that Emma will fuss for the both of us. And be warned that I expect an update about how you are doing from either yourself or her. If I don't get one, I'll come to Toronto and see for myself.'
Oh, gosh. Regina didn't doubt that Malena was serious, and she smiled. Half-threat, half care. Typical Malena.
"Something good?"
In response to Emma's question, Regina flipped the screen and allowed her to read the message from Malena.
"Your ex-girlfriend has a way of saying things," Emma laughed. "Tell her I'll be giving her lots of updates. We wouldn't want to anger the dragon."
Indeed not. Regina ended up texting Malena that. Word for word. Including the 'anger the dragon' part. She had a feeling that would make Malena amused.
Five minutes later, an elderly nurse who introduced herself as Winifred came inside the waiting room and smilingly told Regina that she would be giving her one last checkup before the operation, so if she could just follow her…
"Can I come with her?" Emma asked immediately. She was already partially standing up.
"Certainly," nurse Winifred said kindly and smiled.
"Is mom coming back here before the operation, or...?"
There was that worry again. Regina reached out and gave her son's hand a gentle squeeze. Once again trying to reassure him that everything would be alright.
"Your mom will be rolled past here on the way to the operating room so you can say sleep well to her," Nurse Winifred told Henry and smiled at him.
"Okay." Henry looked a fraction calmer.
"In that case we'll see you in a few," Zelena said and gave Regina's hand a little squeeze. Not unlike the squeeze Regina had just given Henry's hand a moment ago. It wasn't that often Regin felt like a little sister, but right now, she certainly did.
She and Emma followed Nurse Winifred into a consultation room. Regina glared a bit at the big white hospital, and she could have sworn that the damn thing was staring back at her. She had already spent way too much of her life in that kind of bed.
Nurse Winifred checked her heartbeat and pulse. Everything was normal. Regina's pulse was the slightest bit elevated.
"But that is to be expected all things considered," the nurse concluded. "There's nothing to be nervous about, miss Mills. It'll be over before you know it."
Regina actually had to stop herself from snorting out loud. Like she hadn't tried to tell herself that all morning. Nurse Winifred was kind, but she wasn't exactly revolutionary.
"If you could just take a seat, Doctor Auburn will be here shortly." With that, they were on their own and followed the nurse's instructions and sat down.
"These chairs are so much better than the ones at Doctor Anton's office," Emma wittily commented and chuckled.
Indeed. If one sat too long in one of Doctor Anton's chairs, one would end up with a sore behind. Regina smiled a bit.
"And that bed looks very comfortable too," Emma continued and gave her the softest of nudges. "I might ask you to scoot over so I can take a nap with you."
That probably wasn't allowed, but for Emma, Regina was willing to bend the rules. Her smile became less strained.
Emma took her hand and brought it to her lips. Kissed it gently. "It'll be over before you know it, babe."
Regina nodded. Emma had a way of saying it. A way that actually made her believe.
"And I'll be right there when you wake up. I promise you, me and the kid will be the first thing you see when you open those pretty eyes of yours."
Her chin wobbled. Oh god. She didn't want to weep again. But it was already happening. Something wet was spilling onto her cheeks. Darn it.
"Hey now," Emma said gently. "If you'll start crying, I'll start crying, and then doctor Auburn will in for the surprise of a lifetime when she comes in here."
A low rumble escaped Regina as she imagined that very scenario. She was sure that Doctor Auburn would handle it like a true professional, though. They were probably not the first people to cry in her office. Nor would they be the last.
"Do you like jello?"
What? Regina lifted an eyebrow.
"Isn't that the first meal after an operation?"
Oh. Yes, it was. And Regina had never cared much for jello, but she did not get the chance to reveal that before Doctor Auburn stepped in. She looked like herself with her hair in a bun and her usual, professional smile.
"Miss Mills. And miss...?"
"Swan," Emma told her. "Emma Swan."
"Oh yes," Doctor Auburn said. "Nice to meet you, miss Swan."
"Likewise."
Regina took the opportunity to loosen her scarf. She knew what was coming.
"Are you all ready for today's surgery, Miss Mills?"
No. Not even in the slightest. But she was here, and she was doing it. Because she had to. Because she wanted to. Needed to. She owed herself to do this. Regina put on a brave face and smiled at Doctor Auburn.
"It's perfectly understandable that you are feeling nervous, miss Mills. But I can assure, you'll be in the very best of hands the whole time."
Regina nodded. She already knew that.
"I'll just be checking your neck one last time," Doctor Auburn said softly, slipping on a pair of latex gloves. "I'll be quick."
The unavoidable throat examination. Regina was looking forward to the day where her throat wouldn't be poked and prodded by doctors anymore. She tipped her head back and felt Emma squeeze her hand comfortingly while Doctor Auburn checked and lightly palpated her neck. It was uncomfortable, yes. But it was bearable.
And it was over quickly too. "All done," Doctor Auburn said, finding a marker in the breast pocket of her white doctor-coat. "If you could just move your head to side for me a moment."
Regina obediently did that too. Doctor Auburn marked the spot on her throat where the incision would be made, and just like that, the second hurdle was done too.
"There we are. I believe we're all set, miss Mills."
And just like that, Regina's urge to throw up was back in full force. She felt a bit lightheaded now.
"I'll leave you to get changed, and then nurse Winifred will come and roll you into operating room," Doctor Auburn said. Her voice was professional, yet kind. Regina had always appreciated her.
"How long will the operation take?" Emma asked.
"Between an hour and a half and two hours," Doctor Auburn replied and flashed her a smile. "It's a very simple procedure, miss Swan. No need to worry."
With that she left the room, and Emma and Regina were once again on their own.
Regina woke from her daze and walked over to the hospital bed. Thought to herself that she might as well change into the ridiculous paper gown laying and waiting for her on the bed. She wrinkled her nose as she lifted the gown with two fingers and inspected it. It was ugly. That couldn't be denied. But nevertheless, it was what she was going to wear. Vanity had no business here.
Regina went to work and lifted her sweater over her head. She stepped out of her shoes. Undid the strings on the sweatpants she had put on earlier this morning. Stepped out of them. Reached back and unclasped her bra. She left the pile of clothes on top of her hospital bag and grabbed the ugly gown. Slipped her arms through the sleeves. But she ended up struggling with the strings that tied it in the back.
"Do you need some help with that?"
Regina nodded. Some help would be nice.
Emma was quick when she tied the strings on the hospital gown. And her lips were soft when she pressed them lightly against Regina's exposed shoulder. "There you go, beautiful."
Regina turned around to smile in gratitude, but she sort of forgot about it when Emma looked her up and down and went: "nice."
Seriously? Regina scoffed. But nevertheless did a little mock spin.
"You totally rock a hospital gown, babe," Emma said and grinned.
Regina snorted. She didn't believe that one bit.
"I mean it. You are the only person who looks sexy in a hospital gown," Emma said firmly.
Right. Regina rumbled but did not agree. Instead she brushed a hand over the ridiculous paper gown and looked at the hospital bed. It looked very big.
"Ready to find out whether it's as comfortable as it looks?" Emma asked softly.
Regina shrugged. Might as well. She climbed into the hospital bed and made herself comfortable under the white covers. When she stretched her legs, she still did not reach the middle of the bed. She felt like a child in a bed built for adults.
"Comfy?" Emma asked and brushed a soft hand over her bare arm.
Regina nodded and took another of those deep breaths she had learned.
"It'll be over before you know it," Emma said again, once more lifting her hand and kissing it.
She nodded automatically. Felt sick. Scared. Anxious. But all of it became a fraction better when Emma began to rub the soft spot between her thumb and index finger. She gradually started to relax. Even let out a little sound that might or might not have been a purr.
The door was opened, and nurse Winifred entered. "You are in the bed. Good. Are you ready, miss Mills?"
Regina nodded. Of course. She had no other choice than to be ready. This was it.
"Excellent," the elderly nurse said and fiddled with the bed for a few seconds. "The sooner we get started, the sooner we'll be finished." She walked behind the bed and toyed with something for a moment. Then Regina felt the bed move. Slowly, she was being rolled towards the door, Emma helpfully was opening.
Down the hallway she was rolled in the bed. Nurse Winifred stopped by a door and poked her head inside. It did not take long before Regina's bed was crowded by Zelena and Henry. Both of them were smiling at her. Henry's smile looked nervous, and Regina feared that hers did the same.
"Henry bought a little friend for you," Zelena said and gave Henry's shoulder an affectionate squeeze. "Isn't that right, Hen?"
"Yup," Henry confirmed and reached within his little bag.
Regina was somewhere between smiles and tears when she was presented with the cutest looking teddy bear she had ever seen in her life. What an encouraging smile this little friend had. She did not want to start crying and make a scene in the middle of the hallway, so she settled for signing and asking: 'what is their name?'
She could have sworn that Henry was looking at Emma for a moment before answering. "Knight. Her name is Knight."
"It's a girl bear, huh?" Emma said with a small grin.
Well. A perfect name for a perfect teddy bear.
"Yup," Henry said and bowed his head. He kissed Regina on the cheek. "See you soon, mom!"
Regina nodded and smiled at him.
"VERY soon," Zelena added and kissed Regina's other cheek.
"The soonest," Emma joked. She didn't kiss her cheek. She opted for her lips. And Regina was not one bit unhappy about that.
"Yuck," Henry interjected, but he did not sound like he meant it at all.
"See you soon," Emma repeated and gave Regina's hand a squeeze.
Regina nodded again. She lifted Knight's tiny little paw and moved it up and down. Now it looked like the teddy bear was waving.
Henry laughed and kissed her cheek one last time. Then Nurse Winifred took over and rolled Regina's bed away from her family.
Regina chose to close her eyes and hold on to her new little friend as she heard doors opening and voices around her.
"Hello again, Regina," Doctor Auburn greeted her. "Are you ready to get some sleep?"
Regina settled for smiling and wagging a finger the slightest bit to show that she had heard what the doctor said.
"Excellent. If you could just take some deep, slow breaths in this."
A mask was placed over her mouth and nose, and Regina started to breathe in deeply and slowly.
"One," Doctor Auburn counted. "Two. Three. Four. Five…"
Regina was asleep long before she made it to 'ten' and the last thing she felt, was the teddy bear in her hand….
To Be Continued….