It seemed like weeks had passed and still Emma was no closer to solving her dilemma.
More often than not, in moments she was alone, she'd find herself pulling out the dreamcatcher and thinking through the same series of questions. Never settling on a resolution for long.
Sometimes she'd decide to look only to quickly chicken out. Other times she would toss the thing only to retrieve it moments later from whatever bin or receptacle in which she had dumped it.
Having gotten nowhere on her own, she decided to seek outside input. Not that she was willing to be perfectly forthcoming but she tried to analogize her way to gain insights from those around her. It proved to be harder than she initially hoped.
She made the mistake of asking Hook one night while he was watching some sporting event on the television. She'd told him some story about Mary Margaret asking her class about moral dilemmas and what he thought of the question. She asked if he would agree to learn her darkest secrets if he thought she'd never know about it.
After yelling at the tv, he turned to her and waggled his eyes, "course I'd want to know your darkest secrets luv, the dirtier the better." He'd then tried to initiate something with her but she'd been seriously skeeved out.
"What about my consent Hook?" Emma had challenged.
"What about it? Oh you scalywag!" He had jumped up gesturing at the screen, completely unfazed by her tone or the look she was shooting him.
"Shouldn't I get to determine whether you know something of my past? They're my memories?"
"Then why'd you start off offering me access to them luv?" He'd huffed going back to the game dismissively.
Emma had sat back then and chewed on his response.
Her parents were no better, both thinking her line of questions was more about their parenting. All of their responses basically boiled down to: "Well, what would you want us to do Emma?"
They refused to give her an answer. It had been beyond frustrating.
Granny had blown off the hypothetical entirely, calling it some new found hoo-doo and told Emma that if she needed an answer to a real question she knew where to find her.
At her wits end, Emma turned to her friends for guidance. Ruby, Dorothy, and Mulan were crammed next to Emma in a tiny booth where the four of them were drinking heavily.
"So, you're asking about the morality of learning the secrets another person has kept private without their knowledge?" Mulan summarized the question Emma had tried to raise in her vague rambling way of explaining things.
"Well, when you say it like that, it sounds awful." Emma huffed.
"I'm still not following." Ruby threw back another shot. "Explain it again."
Emma rolled her eyes. She wasn't sure if Ruby was messing with her or serious, but she tried again as she really needed the help. "So, like, imagine if you could share the most awful parts of your past with Dorothy. She could know what you went through on a more personal level. Maybe be able to better understand you and why you are the way you are now. Would you want her to do that?"
"But I wouldn't know? Right? She wouldn't be asking me, she'd just get the chance on her own without me knowing." Ruby asked.
"Uh, yeah, I guess…" Emma frowned. "Or, I don't know, maybe you…your wolf gave her the opportunity?"
"My wolf?!" Ruby laughed. "Like my wolf comes up to Dorothy and is like, 'hey here's a memory card with videos of all the kills Ruby has to her name?'"
"I don't know…" Emma sighed.
"I think I kind of get it Emma. It's like if a part of Ruby wanted me to know but her other part didn't know the one part wanted me to know. Kind of like that?" Dorothy asked, patting Emma's shoulder kindly.
"Yes! Exactly! Thank you Dorothy." Emma fidgeted excitedly. Perhaps they were getting somewhere.
"So part of me wants it and part of me doesn't?" Ruby's forehead screwed up in confusion.
"More like part of you wants Dorothy to know but the other part doesn't know the conversation is happening." Mulan clarified.
"I really wish this conversation wasn't happening, it's making my head hurt." Ruby scowled then slammed a shot before jumping up and down excitedly. "Oooh this is my song!" Pulling Dorothy out of the booth she dragged them to the dance floor. Dorothy looked over her shoulder at Emma apologetically.
So much for that idea, Emma thought bitterly as the quiet settled over the booth.
"You should just ask Regina." Mulan broke the silence.
"What?" Emma whispered, stunned.
"You should ask her." Mulan looked at Emma pointedly.
"But… how… I mean…" Emma sputtered clutching at her jacket as if to hide the contents in the inner pocket.
"How many people have two separate sides?" Mulan looked around before offering a small smile, "other than in Storybrooke I mean." She nudged the sheriff's shoulder in a gesture of friendship.
Emma didn't respond, she just stared at her drink. This was not how the conversation was meant to go.
"It was a good thought asking Ruby. She is probably the closest to understanding having two sides. But also not the wisest as it is Ruby you were asking. She is not the most adept with patience or …" Mulan flicked her hand up in the air as if at a loss for the word to describe what Ruby was or wasn't in this case.
Emma looked at Mulan and took a deep breath. "I… I'm afraid to … bring up the past. She's done so much to move on, but there's… a part of me that wants her … struggle to be validated, and I feel like part of her wants that too."
Mulan patted Emma's shoulder. "It's a hard question. Not one which will be easily answered." Mulan looked at Ruby and Dorothy dancing closely and shook her head. "I think I'm ready to head home."
Standing she slid out of the booth. "If it helps, I still think you should ask her. If it were me, I would want to know and decide on what memories to share. While those memories might help you know Regina better, Emma, they could also change how you feel about her."
Mulan held up her hand to quiet the blonde who was now shaking her head. "Think about it. The more you saw the past deeds of the Evil Queen the more they changed your opinion of Regina. They had to. The two were intertwined. Would it be fair if your opinion suddenly changes and you treat her differently and she has no warning and no idea why?"
Giving one last glance at the couple on the dance floor, Mulan whispered so low that Emma wasn't sure she had actually heard her, "there are things I wouldn't want anyone else to know."
Emma watched her friend leave the club. She downed one last drink and decided to call it a night herself. Slipping out of the booth she headed up to the bar to settle her part of the tab.
Outside she found Mulan gazing up at the sky as if lost in thought. "You alright?" She asked.
Mulan started before nodding at Emma. "Stars look different here. Never ceases to amaze me." Shaking her head she walked off. "Night Sherriff."
"Night Mulan." Emma watched her go before heading off toward home.
Deep down she knew Mulan was right. It was why she hadn't used the dream catcher. She needed to talk to Regina.
Emma thought about all of the things they'd come through, what they had already overcome. Yet just the idea of this conversation, scared her more than she had felt in a very long time. She had no idea how it would go nor what the outcome would be, but she knew she had to do it.
"Why can't someone else be the savior?"