A/N

Huge TRIGGER WARNINGS!

I am just going to come right out and say it and not beat around the bush. In this story, Jay is raped by a woman while he is undercover. I have most of that chapter written and don't know how to categorize where it will be on the graphic scale…not as graphic as it could be, but graphic enough. I will give you a heads up but right now it is chapter 4, possibly chapter 3. As of right now, I am not planning on having this be a loooonnnngggg story but that has been my intention on almost every story. I don't plan on going into Jay's whole healing process but enough to let you know that he will be okay - well will you look at that. I just told you he will be okay so maybe I can skip that last chapter. LoL. Anyway, Jay's going to have a rough time but he won't be alone and that in and of itself might be a problem but he will be okay.

Also, I love getting reviews because they make my day. For this story, I would especially invite them, ask for them, because it is such a touchy subject and I would like to have your thoughts. Many of Jay's thoughts come from my own experience as a survivor. Male or female, (I am female), many thoughts and/or feelings are universal and many, you could say, are as unique as the individual.

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He wasn't supposed to be running yet but doesn't care, the stitches are out. He's running well over his normal pace. He feels every bruise on his body and face as he stomps his rage into the ground. It's surprising he isn't leaving craters in his wake. He can't turn off his head, thought running would help but it doesn't, so he runs faster.

He cycles back to the question he has asked himself before; would he feel worse if he had been raped by a man? He thinks he would. Not sure. He leaves that alone. Jay knocks his forehead with his knuckles. Frustrated with his thoughts. It doesn't matter. The woman raped him. He blanches as he thinks the word rape.

His whole being is unsettled. He feels gross. Ashamed. Angry. He loosens up the grip on his phone for the umpteenth time, lest he break it into a million pieces. He picks up speed as he brutalizes the earth, his feet sledgehammers.

He should have been able to do something. The 'cop on the job' side of him tries to convince him there was nothing he could do. He didn't do anything wrong. It was two against one. He was hurt. They used drugs.

The 'cop not on the job' side of him, Jay Halstead the veteran, brother, son, friend, goofball, asshole, mentor, screw up; the lover of pizza, the Blackhawks, fan of the Cubs and the Bears, hater of the Packers and Cowboys, neat freak, runner, sniper; all the things that are him, thinks he should have fought, should have done better. Should have been known. Should have, should have, should have...it was his fault, his fault. His…

He lists to the side as his world tilts, going down hard and landing on his hip and elbow. The tears start to fall as all the memories slam into him like a freight train. He rolls to his hands and knees and throws up water and throat burning bile. He doesn't remember the last time he ate. When he's done he sits back on his heels, hands on thighs, curled into fists, to stop the violent tremble. He drops his head back and looks to the bright sky through his eyelids. He can't stop the tears, they're never ending, just like the memories. They won't stop until he has relived every moment. It's like his mind is searching for the missing pieces that the drugs tucked away. Sometimes more gaps are filled in, like vomit mortar glueing shit bricks together. He wishes his mind would give up the search, what is there is repulsive enough.

Occasionally a sob rings out and echos through the woods until it dies in the undergrowth. He doesn't know how long he sits there but he is jolted out of his pain with a lightning bolt of fear. He jerks away and lands on his ass.

"Hey buddy. You okay? Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you."

He waits for an answer. Regretting putting his hand on the guy's shoulder to get his attention when he didn't answer him the first couple of times he asked.

"Sorry man. Are you ok?"

The guy looks terrified.

"Can I call someone for you?"

Who would he call? He has no idea. 911? He is at a loss for what to do when he notices a phone by what might be puke.

He gives the guy a wide berth, moving slow and picks up the phone, hoping it isn't locked. It's not. He goes to contacts and has no idea who he should call. He goes to the call records and decides to redial the last incoming call. He doesn't take his eyes off the guy who is still quiet, staring at him. Tears in his eyes.

A gruff voice answers the call, "Jay?"

"Uh...you don't know me..."

Gruff with an edge, "Who is this?"

"Uh, my name is Barry Rochester. I found this guy..."

Jay puts his head in his hands and quietly curses, Voight.

"Is he okay?"

"He isn't hurt…not really…it looks like someone beat him up but not today, I mean I'm not sure but it doesn't…"

Voight interrupts,"Where are you?"

"I'm on the red trail at Brice Park. This guy, uh Jay, I guess, is pretty upset. Looks scared even. When I found him he was crying. Sitting on the trail. I um, scared him when I tried to get his attention. He…"

"What part of the trail are you on?"

"Just over the first crest, not too far in. You'll see us easy."

"We're on our way. 25-30 minutes tops. Can you stay with him until then?"

"Sure, sure. No problem."

The guy, Jay, hasn't moved but at least he doesn't look afraid of me anymore. He is sitting on his butt, arms draped over his knees, staring at nothing. It's then I notice the cuts and rope burns around his wrists and his cut up knuckles Christ…

20 minutes later an older white guy, that can only be the owner of that gruff voice and a huge black guy and come over the crest. They both wear badges. What the hell?

The black guy goes and crouches a couple of feet in front of Jay, he hears a quiet 'Hey, Jay," and the other guy comes to me.

"Voight?"

An affirmative grunt then, "Barry. Thanks for staying with him."

"No problem. Is there anything I can do? Sorry, I scared him."

"Has he said anything?"

"No. He's just been sitting like that since I called."

"Thanks again for your help and for calling. We got it from here."

He could tell he was being dismissed. He wanted to ask what happened to him but thought better of it. They were pretty intimidating. He's not sure he really wants to know anyway.

"Ok, sure, if you need anything else, I work at Grayson's on 5th. Barry Rochester. Hope everything's ok."

He gets another grunt in return. Yup dismissed. He has a moment of indecision. Go back on the trail or move forward. He goes forward with one look back as the two guys help Jay. He again wonders what happened but his eyes flick to the rope burns and he shuts that thought down quickly. Hope he's ok.

Voight crouches down at Jay's side. Far enough away not to freak him out. "Halstead…Jay..." He gets no response and Kevin goes from his crouch to sitting ass to heels. This might take a while.

"Hey there Jay."

When he gets no response, he looks at Voight. This is...God...

"Jay. It's me, Kevin and Voight's here too. What's going on? Come on Jay...can you look at me?"

Jay's arms are draped over his knees and he's staring at the ground in front of him. Kevin dips his head a bit hoping to catch Jay's eyes. It takes a second but he can see when Jay finally looks at him instead of looking through him.

"Hey, man."

Jay stays quiet but his face flushes with embarrassment, then anger. He doesn't say anything. But quickly gets up and looks at both of them. The embarrassment is back. He gives a slight nod of the head. Voight hands him his phone. Jay seems a bit confused on why he had it but gives him a quietly mumbled 'thanks' then backtracks down the hill, one arm wrapped around his waist and holding his side. Voight and Atwater exchange a look and follow.

They get to the bottom of the hill and the tell tale chime of Jay's truck being remotely unlocked breaks the silence. Voight follows Jay to the drivers side and puts his hand out for the keys. Jay doesn't fight, just sighs, puts the keys in Voight's palm and walks around to the passenger side. Getting in, he leans against the window with his eyes closed and ignores the whole situation.

Once Jay is in the truck, Voight meets Kevin at the tailgate. They both stood there a moment. It's not the first time this week that they've had to respond to a situation with Jay. Four days ago a 911 call came in from one of Jay's neighbors. Trudy snagged it and sent it up to them. When they got there, they found Jay sitting at his kitchen table in a pair of shorts, head resting in his hands, knuckles bruised and bleeding. He had basically ripped apart his apartment and punched numerous holes in his walls.

They had been relieved to see that Jay wasn't in danger or at least, not from anyone other than himself, but that didn't stop their worry. They all saw the bruises on his torso. Voight, Vanessa and Adam had already seen them but for Hailey, Kevin and Kim this was a first look at some of the damage inflicted on Jay in that place and the bruises were the least of it. Voight had taken Jay to med that day to get checked out. The rest of them stayed and cleaned up as much as they could then headed back to the district.

So here they were again, at a loss on how to help their friend, relegated to putting out brush fires, hoping they could head off the inferno that was sure to come.

"I'm going to take him to med, make sure he didn't re-injure himself and have Will x-ray his elbow."

"Okay boss. I'll head back. Let us know if you need anything."

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Jay opened his eyes when his truck came to a stop. He hadn't fallen asleep but was surprised just the same when he found himself at Med and not his apartment.

He leaned his head back against the seat and let out a quiet "shit." Before he could open the door, Will was there opening it for him.

"I'll park the truck and meet you inside."

Will acknowledged Voight with a nod, then walked with his brother into the ER, sneaking side glances along the way while Jay ignored him.

Voight finds Jay in room two. Somehow, Will is able to treat Jay without anyone saying anything even though they are related. Everyone knows what happened, how could they not, Jay was brought to Med when they got him out.

It wasn't a matter of gossip, unfortunately the medics who brought him in were people that they didn't know, so they followed first responder protocol and informed the charge nurse in the ER that they had a victim of sexual assault being brought in. The team followed ER protocol and set aside a room and prep to follow specific guidelines for evidence retrieval and patient care and a female doctor was put on standby.

Then they rolled Jay in and everyones world blew up.

So now, because of that and barring anything life threatening, they are letting their policy on treating family slide.

"I'm going to check your elbow okay?"

Jay gives his brother a nod but still flinches when Will touches him. He closes his eyes, disgusted with his reaction. Will clenches his jaw and tries to stay in doctor mode but brother mode is overriding it.

"You're not supposed to be jogging yet."

He rolls his eyes,"I'm fine."

"You're going to be sore. Can I give you some meds? I think you're going to need them."

"I'll be fine."

Will exchanges a glance with Voight and blows out a breath.

XXXXXXX

The x-rays check out. He'll have a couple more bruises on his elbow and hip but other than that he is as fine as someone who already wasn't fine can be.

They get to Jay's apartment and Voight gives Jay his keys. As soon as they're in, Jay heads for the bathroom. A minute later Voight hears the shower. He paces the small kitchen, checking in with Atwater. Will should get there in a half hour tops.

Voight thought about calling Hailey and having her come over, but given the circumstance, it might be better if it's not Hailey that comes. He shakes his head at that. Pissed at the whole damn thing. If the Barton's weren't already in jail he'd have them rotting at the silos.

Will comes in twenty minutes later to find Voight still pacing. He tips his head towards the bedroom.

"He's still in the shower, been there since we got here."

"Anything happen after you left? Did he say anything?"

"Nope. Hasn't said a word."

"Ok. Thanks Voight. I got it from here."

"Let us know if you need anything. Any of us are just a call away."

Will give Voight a nod and heads to the bathroom, letting Voight see himself out.

Will knocks on the door and lets Jay know he's coming in. A pattern that has been repeated too may times since they got Jay home.

He takes in Jay's naked form sitting on the shower floor, legs pulled up with his arms resting on his knees. Head resting on his arms. The bruises are still dark and although he can't see the stab wound from here, it had to hurt like a bitch after going for a run that he had no business being on. It wasn't serious, just bled a lot and painful, but if not for everything else, wouldn't have even warranted a stay in the hospital.

What bothers him though, seeing his brother sitting there for the fourth or fifth time since he's been home, is the thousand yard stare and the marks on his body where he has rubbed himself raw from trying to get clean. Some have even drawn blood or bruised and another washcloth lies in the corner of the shower where it will eventually be thrown away just like the others.

He crouches down by the shower and slowly opens the door.

Not wanting to startle him, he talks as softly as possible.

"Hey, bud. I'm here. I'm going to shut off the water okay."

Will moves slowly but still notices a flinch from Jay. Once he has the water off, he grabs a towel and crouches down by Jay again, holding it out. Waiting for Jay to grab it. As soon as he does, Will exits, closing the door partway and goes into the living room.

When he knows that he has given Jay enough time, he ventures slowly back into the bedroom. He approaches the bed slowly even though Jay has his back to the door and is buried in a pile of blankets.

"Jay?" Will hopes he'll answer but after he waits for a few minutes he sighs quietly. "I'll be right out here. Lemme know if you need anything."

He's almost to the door when Jay speaks in a quiet voice. And what he says breaks Will's heart and throws him into a panic at the same time.

"I don't know how to do this Will…I can't do this…I don't think I can do this anymore."

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Okey dokey then. Thanks for reading! This was a break for me while my muse calms the F down so I can finish the next chapter of TOTDC. I'm not sure when I will be updating this again but don't worry I will. I am also trying to finish Jay and I'm pretty, kind of, okay sort of close.

And always, thank you to those who comment on any of my stories. It is much appreciated, makes my day and keeps me motivated.

Stay safe peeps!