Set in Season 3, Beach Day is an overnight event, held at a beach in Delaware. Casino Night had been held on a Saturday. AU, not canon.
"wave after wave, driven
by wind, unwinding by storm, by gravity thrown—
however, heaving to reach you, to find you, I've striven
undulant, erosive, blown—
or lying flat as glass for your falling clear
down: I can't swallow you. So why
have I felt I've reached you—as two reflected stars" -Robert Fanning
PAM'S POV:
Pam was dazed from the blast of adrenaline that was still flooding her body. She felt invincible, euphoric and . . . good. In the past few months, she had discovered that when she ventured out of her comfort zone and was more direct with people, the world didn't end. Change wasn't always positive but even when things went sideways, she learned and grew from her decisions.
Climbing into her Yaris this morning, towel, visor, and sunscreen in tow, there wasn't a plan to stand in front of the entire office and tell them they often made her feel invisible. She had certainly fantasized about doing that before, though that version included a LOT of cussing, and even more gaping mouths.
She definitely never dreamed she'd double down and follow one honest speech with another. Seriously, turning to Jim, all eyes on her, and speaking to him honestly, from her heart? What's up next Pam? Stripping off your clothes and running into the ocean? Well, your feet are burning after all, she'd laughed. Doesn't matter, she felt proud of herself.
Streaking across those hot coals gave her such a fucking rush and mingled with the images abusing her subconscious all day. Karen and Jim flirting, Karen and Jim touching, Karen and Jim laughing. That combination resulted in either courage, or insanity, or more likely both. Each time her eyes landed on them it felt like a slap. By dusk, she was saturated with emotions, like a sponge too full to soak up even one more drop.
By evening she was filled, So thick with feeling, she was going to burst, come hell or high water. Directing the flood towards the person who had it in his power to keep her afloat was healthier than what she'd been doing the past few months. Months where each time another pinhole appeared in her resolve, she had frantically tried to repair the emotional dam. Even if doing that meant she was dangerously close to drowning.
Once their eyes locked and "Jim" passed her lips, there was no stopping. She had done something.There was no embarrassment for speaking her mind, even as Jim's eyes widened with each word. She had been becoming more comfortable being open since her split with Roy. This is where all of her practice had led her.
Best case scenario, Jim's love for her didn't die on the asphalt of the parking lot as it his fell from his tongue. Maybe this will help him see that and realize that those same feelings he expressed have been reflected back to him from her eyes for a long time.
Worst case? He is angry at her public declaration and pulls even further from her, (she's not sure that's even possible), leaving her no alternative but to move on. Albeit without her heart. That possibility brings tears to her eyes immediately accompanied by a familiar heavy ache deep in her chest.
Somewhere between those two outcomes would be Jim misses her and wants to fix things, be friends again. Maybe he stops being so pitilessly cold to her. She knows she is being dramatic but just being in the room with him makes her visualize the fire in her heart dropping a few degrees each day. She has started to worry it may just stop beating altogether. Is frostbite of the heart a thing?
She wonders if maybe these dramatic thoughts are the result of reading too much Jane Austin. No, she truly feels something, feels her heart freezing up. Her art is one of the only things that lets her know that she is still Pam. The real Pam. She feels when she paints. Joy, sadness, hope, despair, they are all there to be found in her paintings. Without Jim it is the only place left for her to safely express her feelings.
She could survive being his friend again and nothing more. Until she hears the voice telling her "Come on Pam, you know bullshit when you hear it." Once wires are crossed and everything short circuits is it realistic to think they can go back to how they'd been? Not with one person who cannot move on and one who has: literally grabbing a new love with both of his fists. If anyone had said to her that there would be a time when she and Jim were no longer friends, much less best friends, the only word would have been "inconceivable".
Pam shakes her head slowly, a mocking smile on her face. You cannot go back. This thing is either wrecked, or they will be together, no in between. God knows their timing is comical. If you had seen their story played out as a movie, (definitely on Lifetime), you'd laugh at the ridiculously manufactured storyline and scream at the lead actors. Two people could not be this bad at this in real life.
Years of Jim loving her, as she was loving Roy, makes her shudder. Well, more accurately Jim loving her, as she had been trying to keep loving Roy while she tried to ignore that she was in love with Jim. It's enough to make your head spin and she has become agonizingly aware how brutal it had been for Jim.
The past few months she had wondered if the pain she has been feeling since Jim left, knowing they loved each other but, in that moment, she did not have the courage to act, is more destructive than unrequited love of the regular variety.
Of course, his turned out to be a love that could be shed, as easily as a jacket, in only a few months. Sometimes she hates herself for what she did to him, breaking his heart, lying. In her weakest moments though she hates him for giving up on her so quickly. It makes her question all the little things he did and said that made her feel "more than" who she was than Roy. That she had choices and possibilities. She can't escape the fact that her love for him is deeper than his was for her. He not only moved on, but he also didn't feel enough for her to remain friends.
She stands alone on the beach, the roar from the crashing waves, the tug of the water on her feet, sinking them deeper into the sand as each wave retreats, quieting her stormy pulse. It is hypnotic. She zips up her jacket and slips her hands in the pockets. Jim had followed her here after her brave insanity in the circle.
"I went to Stamford because I didn't want to be. . . here," he had said, facing her but not quite meeting her gaze. The bill of his black baseball hat threw a shadow across his face, still she saw that though his eyes were looking towards her, his focus was on the horizon to her left.
"I know" Pam had replied matter-of-factly. There have been more days than not when she considered quitting rather than see Jim with Karen but her desire to be around him in any capacity has kept her there. Going into the office now is like forcing herself to lay her hand on a stove that she knows is red hot, day after day.
When Jim tells her that he feels as if he never really came back, she pointedly let him know she wishes he would. "Come back to me" was left unspoken but she hoped that was what Jim heard. They used to be able to do that. Speak without speaking. The arching of an eyebrow, a tiny twist of the lips, a quick meeting of their eyes, they connected in a way that required no thought, like a breath.
Jim admitted that he misses their friendship too, his eyes wide, his features grim. He tells her that he will always care about her, that she means a lot to him. You know the things you say to someone when you have no interest in them, when you want to let them down gently. He told her more by what he did not say than the clichés he tossed at her. Most importantly, he did not say he loves her.
"I promised I'd, I have to um, to give this thing you know with, with Karen, a chance Pam." He was scrubbing the back of his neck with his hand, making it painfully obvious to her how uncomfortable he had become. She nodded back gravely, hoping she had schooled her expression enough for him to believe that she understood.
In this instant Pam realized that the middle option, friendship, was a lost cause. Can he be her friend and stay in a relationship with Karen? After what Karen heard today? Nope, nope, and nope. Karen will not be able to handle that. The bigger question for Pam is can Pam handle it? Continue to be his friend while bearing witness to what was unfolding between Jim and Karen?
God, what if they become engaged and then married and-she had to stop herself. She's capable of enduring a lot, the last three years of her relationship with Roy established that, but she cannot grin while watching Jim and Karen fall deeper in love. It has been nearly impossible to stand by as her friendship with Jim ventured into the same territory as his friendship with a Ryan or a Stanley.
Their eyes had locked, her "well I wish you would" still hovering between them. Jim pulled her into a hug, and she felt . . . good. Better than good. Aside from the embrace she gave him his first day back, this is the best she has felt since he left. She felt a little pressure on the top of her head and wonders if maybe he had brushed his lips there, a small kiss. She wanted to believe that's what it was.
Without thought they both allowed themselves to melt into each other, just a bit, before breaking awkwardly apart. Pam withdrawing her arms a beat or two after she feels him letting her go. Later as she replays the scene in her mind, she'll have a vision of two halves of a grilled cheese sandwich being pulled into opposite directions, with the strings of cheese stretching as far as they can before eventually breaking. Maybe she could quit and become a successful romance novelist with her books at check-out counters in grocery stores.
They had both been keenly aware of Karen's silhouette some yards off, between the beach and the hotel, arms crossed, staring intently, waiting for her boyfriend to come back to her. Jim quickly glanced up the beach towards Karen and gestured in that direction, away from the water. Everyone had walked back to the hotel to get ready for dinner at least 15 minutes ago.
"We'd better get back Beesly, or one of us is going to end up being the dinner companion of Michael or Dwight," he chuckled and gave an exaggerated shiver; his attempt at breaking up the cement that is hardening around both of their chests. He smiled at her, but it was not his lopsided teasing grin, this smile was a department store Santa, crushingly fake.
Pam's gaze dipped back to her feet for just a second, before she tilted her head up, returning her gaze to him. "Well, my feet are still calling the shots, which I guess is only fair after what I put them through, I'll be up in a bit," gifting him a smile small but genuine.
Jim seemed to hesitate, staring at her as if he is a moth who just spotted an open flame. The look on his face transported her back to that night in May full of significance and love. Karen's voice suddenly severed the connection. "Hey, Halpert! I'm hungry!" He held up his hand, signaling to Karen that he'd be just another minute.
After a few seconds of awkward silence Jim finally managed to push out softly, "I'll see you at dinner, right?" nodding his head a bit as he waited for a reply, almost encouraging her to say yes. His body was already turned away from her only his face still solely hers. She marveled at how much he looks like a boy in this light and wonders what he was like when he was small.
Her smile rearranged itself and Jim swore he saw 5 different emotions flutter across her face in a matter of seconds before it finally settled on one, but it is the one he can't identify. "Yes Hal. . . yes Jim, I'll see you at dinner. I'll have to roll the dice on seating arrangements." She tastes something metallic and realized she'd bitten down on her lip to stop the rest from coming out, the "pert" after Hal.
Karen calls him Halpert, Pam lost that right or at least it makes her feel wrong to use it now. The fact that they are "Halpert" and "Filipelli" to each other had been another small wound to her heart. She had thought it was "their thing". Replaced. Beesly has been fully replaced and is well on her way to being fully erased. Erased, nothing special.
Pam's eyes return to the ocean and the light playing with the waves, picturing Karen's hand reaching out to Jim as he approaches and Jim taking it, lacing their fingers together, as they walk away. The gap between Pam and Jim growing with each stride he takes.
"Uhhhhh, get a grip Pam. Watch the water, in and out," she whispers. In and out, pulling her feet down, deeper, rooting her. Maybe time is what he needs. She had needed time that night in May. The entire earth tilted on its axis; it left her hanging on for dear life, as her old life was jarred loose, and slid off of her. Eventually the world righted itself and she was lighter, reborn.
She'd worked hard during these months to try to become the woman Jim deserved, more importantly the woman she deserved, the woman she had been all along but stronger. Fancy New Beesly indeed, she smirked.
She'd had to disentangle herself from a 9-year relationship, her life with Roy, their families, woven together over time. She was godmother to Roy's nephew for crying out loud! Jim had expected her to be able to undo all of that immediately. She couldn't just tug on the thread Jim had pulled loose and it would all unravel smoothly, and she'd be free.
His relationship with Karen is a few months old, fewer entanglements, but Pam will give him the time she wished she'd had. Even if time set aside for Jim will end up being time she could have been using to start over, time she is wasting for something that will never be. She'd take that chance.
Pam turned toward the hotel, wrapping her arms around her middle against the wind and walked confidently thinking all in all it was a good day. No matter what happens, she is proud of herself, keeping her head up, eyes on what is in front of her as she walked, never once glancing down or behind her.