A/N: The main story title comes from the song Holding a Heart by Toby Lightman, it was playing through my head as I watched this episode. I hope you enjoy!

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You know what it's like, having everyone stare at you? I come to work every day because I have to. Because if I didn't…I wouldn't know where else to go. And you think it doesn't hurt to know what you guys all say about me? Screw you all! You know…you, you all can just go to…

The words bounced around his skull, assaulting his ever sense. Jordan's voice always did have a way of carrying through every inch of the morgue, though he was pretty sure he was never meant to hear her outburst.

Nigel sat at his computer, re-reading the same sentence over and over again and retaining nothing.

He could still hear her broken voice, the tears marring her words.

Did she really mean what she had said?

After all they had been through the past seven years, after all the times he'd been there for her no matter the hour, no matter the favor. How many times had he stuck his neck out for her? How many lies he had told to cover for her? How many rules had he broken for her? He had lost count over the years.

They had always been outsiders, together.

How could she have said that?

Did she really think so little of him?

He hadn't expected the simple words to pierce him so, yet his heart was shredded by them.

Rarely did he ever share his true self, but Jordan was always the one person he felt he could be himself with. Sure, they all were a family of sorts at the morgue, but Jordan was a kindred spirit; one just as lost and broken as he was. He'd never chanced opening himself entirely to her, forever as cautious as she was, but if there was one person he would have—

Footsteps caught the edge of his hearing and Nigel sat up quickly, feigning busyness. The familiar silhouette caught his eye, and he felt his hurt stir to anger. For once, the ever-optimist cast aside his Golden Retriever persona and gave into his emotions.

He pushed off from his desk and stormed down the hall after her, catching the elevator door before it could close.

"Oh, hey, Nige." Jordan tried to pawn off with her infamous half-smile.

His smile was scorned as he shook his head, "You are a lot of things, Jordan, but I never thought you were a selfish cunt till now."

Her eyes grew wide, her expression taken aback. He'd never talked to her like that before.

"Nigel, what—"

"I heard what you said to Lily!" His chest heaved, his voice louder than intended. He didn't care, even as passersby slowed their pace and eyes wandered their way.

She had broken his heart.

Jordan was speechless, her thoughts frozen as she searched desperately for any words. Finally, she simply met his gaze and saw the pain etched in their dark depths.

"Nigel—" She tried again.

"You know what? Forget it." He moved his hand and let the doors close. His anger broke only when he caught the last glimpse of her face streaked with tears.

His fingers ripped back through his tousled hair, his eyes lingering on the door and feet refusing to budge, "You bleeding idiot, what have you done…"

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I mean, Jordan, how is dating coming…Are you planning on getting into a relationship anytime soon...Have children? Do you ever think about that?

Jordan sat in the middle of the floor, Dr. Stiles words consuming her. She was actually older than her mother was by a few months now.

She knew her life was forever changed that day, but she hadn't realized just how much it had affected her till that moment.

Sure, she knew she was bad at relationships and that most likely stemmed from her parents in one way or another like all the shrinks told her but, why had she never even thought about settling down? Not even during her routine insomnia episodes at 3AM or in her most drunken state. Why had it never crossed her mind? She certainly wasn't getting any younger.

A couple years earlier Dr. Former had told "Jane" that she ran from love because that is what people who have lost someone do, they run before anyone else can leave them.

If truth be told, Jordan knew she was right.

Love was too risky. There were just too many variables to consider, and it demanded a trust she couldn't give.

That is why she had always preferred her short, no-strings-attached flings. It was safest that way. No one can hurt you when you haven't given them your heart.

You will fall in love, when you least expect it.

She remembered the words from the soul who seemed to know her so well.

Yes, she kept everyone at a distance. But there was one person who had found themselves a permanent tenant in her heart.

That is why what he had said cut her so deeply.

When she had been ranting to Lily, she had been blinded by her rage. Out of all the people she had thought of when she said what she had, his name was nowhere near the list.

"Way to go, Cavanaugh." She chided, shaking her head. She really needed to learn to think before she spoke so things like this didn't happen.

Stiles had helped her walk through the break-in and so many things, worming his way into analyzing every relationship from Lily's need to meddle to Woody's newfound interest in Devon, but she took care to make sure he stayed leagues away from Nigel.

Now she found herself asking why that was.

He was just a friend, after all. Her best friend, really. Hopefully he still was.

The thought made her heart ache.

She had never seen him as angry as he was this afternoon, and she had given him plenty of opportunities to be over the years. But there was something else at play this morning, she had really hurt him.

Never had she wanted to fix something so badly.

Yet, here she was, unable to make the first move. She couldn't bring herself to call him, to stop by the morgue and tell him how sorry she was face-to-face.

And, for once, it wasn't because she was running.

She was simply terrified of what the outcome might be.

What if he never wanted to speak to her again? What if he couldn't forgive her? Maybe this time she had gone too far, maybe he was fresh out of forgiveness to offer.

But she had always let relationships of all sorts come and go on the whims of a fancy. After all, nothing ever lasted forever.

So, why was this one so important to keep?

She jumped at the knock and steadied herself before she moved to answer it. Composing herself the best she could, she opened the old wooden door, and her eye was taken by the glint of the golden locket.

Her heart raced, caught between relief and disbelief. She snatched it without thought, "Where did you find this?" She whispered.

"It got flagged in a Southie shop." Nigel tugged at his ear, "I hacked into the BPD mainframe so I'd get an alert if they found anything. I beat them there by forty-three minutes." He puffed up a bit like a peacock and she had to chuckle.

"How did you know?" Her voice was edgy, not wanting to give into her tears.

He shrugged, giving a small smile, "Lily finked." His mouth twitched nervously, "Apparently Emmy told her about…" He cleared his throat, "My little outburst."

"Thank you, Nigel, this means a lot." She clasped the trinket tightly in hand, pressing it to her chest, "W-would you like to come in?"

"Erm, sure." He rubbed the back of his neck as he headed in.

"Jordan, I—"

"Nigel—"

The shared a nervous smile and Nigel nodded for her to go first, always the gentleman.

Nervously, she fidgeted with the precious token, "I'm—" She forced herself to meet his eye, knowing she only had one shot at this, "I'm sorry. You were right, I was being selfish and thoughtless and stupid."

He smirked, his hands buried in his pockets, "Well, if you want to take all the credit, that's fine by me." He succeeded in getting the smile he was after from her. Nigel's face grew somber, and he sighed, "I shouldn't have called you that."

"Did you mean it?" She tried to play it off like she did everything, but the crack in her voice and the tears budding in her eyes told him otherwise.

"In the moment, yeah, but only because I wanted you to feel how I did." He answered honestly.

"How was that?" She headed towards the fridge and pulled out two bottles of Guiness for something to do.

He accepted the one she slid across to him. He took a swig and leaned on the counter, "Hurt." He took another sip, "I couldn't believe you thought I'd been fake with you, or that I'd been talking behind your back like some—"

"I didn't—" She started but stopped, nodding for him to continue.

"After all these years, after all we've been through. I couldn't believe you'd think so little of me." He fiddled with the label, ribbing the edge, "I thought you knew me better than that."

Jordan felt the pause drag on and knew it was her turn, "I wasn't even thinking about you when I said it. There was just so…so much going on. Between the black out and this case and Walcott and Devon and Woody and the break-in—" She could feel herself beginning to hyperventilate, "I just…I just—"

"I know."

She stopped and turned to him, "How can you?"

"Because I know you better than anyone." His voice was quiet, cautious, "You throw yourself completely into everything you do, and yet you hold yourself back just enough not to get hurt. I've seen you go to the ends of the earth to do the right thing, to make sure the truth is found out and justice served, because it has been denied to you for so long. Yet, every time you peer over those walls of yours, you quickly scurry back behind them and build them up thicker, higher." He took a swig from his bottle, "You want everyone's praise, the security of their approval, to let you know that you're alright, that you aren't a screw up. You want to know you're good enough, strong enough, and the last couple days have made you cast doubt on who you really are. It's made you question how much like her you really are."

She stepped back, not sure how to handle how honestly he saw her, "H-how…how do you know that?"

"Because we're the same." Nigel lowered his head, fighting back a sob, "And I failed you today."

"Hey, hey…" Jordan moved around the island and began rubbing circles into his shoulder. It had always surprised her that for being someone who feared intimacy so much, the longing she had for physical touch.

He looked up to her, his own eyes filled with tears, "I'm so sorry, Jordan."

She pulled him into her arms and smiled as he gave into it, wrapping his arms tightly around her. Jordan rested her head atop his, her hair falling around him and veiling him from his own demons.

You will fall in love, when you least expect it.

The thought didn't startle her as much as she thought it should. Maybe because, deep down, she knew it was him. She always knew it would be him.

He was right; they had been through so much together. She knew she could rely on him, truly depend on him. He had always been there; she knew he'd always be there. Nigel Townsend had been the only one in her life never to let her down, and words couldn't do justice to what that meant to her.

That is what had scared her so much earlier. She knew she couldn't lose him.

The revelation warmed her, and she smiled, "Nige?"

He pulled back, drying his eyes on his sleeve, as he waited for her to continue. In reply, she held out her hand and offered him the locket.

"Will you…will you help me?" The words held so much more meaning than their surface suggested. They were an ocean, leading to the very depths of her soul. But being so broken and battered after being told how damaged she was the past few weeks; this was the best she could manage.

And she knew he'd understand.

She extended her hand. Now, here she was, holding her heart out to him. The most dangerous thing she had ever done in her life.

His eyes never wavered from hers, "Of course, luv."

Jordan's breath was shaking as she turned around and gathered her hair to one side. Tenderly, Nigel stood and placed the golden chain around her neck, securing it in place.

"Beautiful." He whispered, sending shivers down her being as he laid her hair across her shoulders.

Her eyes were soft as she turned to him, her racing heart matched his as she noted their proximity. This time, she felt confident taking the first step and she leaned forward, allowing her eyes to flutter closed. His lips captured hers, his hand tangling in her curls to pull her even closer.

They broke apart only when their lungs demanded it.

He captured her face gently between his hands, smiling when she kissed his palm before leaning into his touch. He sighed, resting his head against hers, "I'm here for whatever you need."

She held fast to his hand, allowing the tears to finally escape, "I know."

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