A/N: Hi guys! So this year has been crazy and it's so strange to think we are less than twenty days from the end of 2020. Anyway, throughout this year I have been trying to challenge myself to take my writing to new levels, especially with past works of mine. That's where this idea was born! :) Enjoy xx Mariah
Life went on as normal outside. The shops were open, the streets bustled with traffic, and everyone went about their business. It was as if nothing happened. As if her life had not ended. As if her heart had not been shattered.
Katie shouldn't be surprised, she supposed. Life did go on as it always had for everyone except for her and her husband. But just as outside the window the world lived on, within the four walls of their house everything had stopped.
Their little home should be full of soft whimpering, strange smells, and unfamiliar sounds. It should be full of slowly deflating balloons and colorful, happy clutter, and full of love and happiness. There was none of that though. Nothing in the hall, nothing in the rooms, and nothing in her heart.
Their house was empty, emptier than it had ever been, since that horrible night where everything went wrong. Where instead of giving birth, her body denied life to the child she carried in her womb for nearly seven months.
She had been bedridden for days with abdominal pain, but her doctor hadn't been worried when she or Ned called him, and neither had her father when he started checking on her daily after Katie started to get more anxious.
"Your blood pressure's a bit low, but otherwise a little spotting and abdominal pain are both common in your last trimester," Jim told her, putting away the few things he'd brought with to examine her.
Her mother stood behind him. "I had pain everywhere with all of you. It's normal." Melinda tried to reassure her, her smile soft and warming like always.
"Keep her in bed as much as you can and keep an eye on her blood pressure." Jim set the handheld pump he'd used to check it before on the nightstand as he spoke to her husband. "Usually, it's high that we should worry about, but it should even out."
"Is there anything else? Maybe I should call the OBGYN?" Ned asked. He had been sitting next to her, looking as anxious as he'd been before he took his SATs.
"If the pain gets worse then yes, but I would hold off for now." Jim had stepped around the bed to talk to Ned more privately, but she could still hear them. "It will only cause more stress on Katie if she's worrying about test results or for a phone call from the doctor." Her father turned back toward her. "I'll come to check on you in the morning though before I go to work, bug, I promise."
She had believed him and stayed in bed, but it had only gotten worse and they decided to go into the hospital just to be safe. Not long after Ned had gone downstairs to turn the car on, Katie had collapsed onto the bedroom floor after putting clothes on.
He came into the room and found her lying unconscious in a pool of blood. "Baby, please wake up," Ned begged, tears springing from his eyes as he felt for a pulse. "Can you hear me? Katie?"
There was one, but it was weak. He moved her to her side, to keep her airway from being obstructed and fished out his phone. He tried to call someone, anyone. Jim. Melinda. Delia. But no one answered. He thought about calling 911 and waiting for an ambulance, but that would take too long.
He brought her to the car then and carefully set her down on the passenger seat. He buckled her in and kissed her cheek, looking down as his hand came to cradle her stomach. Her hand ran through his hair and he looked up to see her barely awake as she blinked her eyes.
"Oh, Katie," he let out a sigh of relief to see her eyes opened again and stood up too quickly, nearly hitting his head but then he moved out of the way in time so he could kiss her forehead. "Are you okay? How do you feel? Can you hear me?"
"Too many questions..." she whispered, her voice weak. "What happened?"
"You were unconscious," he told her, his eyes and face wet with tears. "I was so worried about you… I thought… I thought the worst." He kissed her, the only thing he could think to do. She touched his face, smiling as she pulled back. "I don't know what's going to happen, but I'm here and I love you."
"I love you too," she whispered. "We need to go."
He agreed and closed the door before rushing back to lock the house up and get into the car.
She had been awake for most of the car ride until her abdominal pain became too much. One second she was squeezing his hand, whimpering about how much the pain hurt, and the next she'd gone limp in the seat again.
He drove over the speed limit the rest of the way, not giving a single damn in the world and quickly parking. There was hardly a moment's hesitation before he was carrying his wife through the automatic doors that lead into the trauma center, his pulse spiking higher as he ran faster.
"I need help! My wife needs help!" He yelled, trying to get anyone's attention. Several nurses flocked to him, one pushed out a gurney. He quickly started to explain the situation the best he could. "My wife, she's twenty-seven weeks pregnant. She started bleeding in the shower and said there hasn't been much movement today. She's been in pain for the past few days but had been on bed rest until now, and was in and out of consciousness the entire drive here."
"What's your wife's name, sir?" One nurse asked as they all helped him set her on the gurney carefully before they started pushing it down the hallway. Ned reached for her hand and squeezed it, but was soon blocked by the nurse asking him questions. "And her date of birth?"
He didn't want to leave her alone. Not during this moment. Not when both Katie and their child were in danger.
"Katie… uh Katherine… my wife's name is Katherine Banks," he told her after a moment, but his mind was moving too fast. "She was born on July 17th, 2003."
"And her due date?" The nurse asked, typing this into the chart on her tablet.
"April 12th," he said, remembering that it was only January. It was too early. Far too early.
"I see," the nurse replied and placed her hand on his shoulder. "We'll try our best to save both, we always do, but the mother will have a higher priority."
He knew what his wife would want him to say. To save the baby over her. To do everything to save that little human that grew inside her for the past seven months. But Ned's selfish and he wasn't Katie.
"Save the baby if you can. Do everything," he whispered as he watched them bring his wife into an ICU trauma room. "But not at the cost of my wife's life. Please let me come into the room. I want to be with her and I won't be in your way."
"We can't allow you in there until she's stable. It's too hectic in there. Someone will come and get you once everything has calmed down a bit," the nurse explained, pointing to the waiting area. "I'm sorry you're going through this alone. Is there someone you can call? What's your name, sir?"
"I'm Ned. Ned Banks… and Katie… her father is the chief of this hospital. Jim Clancy. He wasn't answering any of my phone calls earlier and now my phone is dead." He explained, tapping his phone screen as it went dark. He shoved it in his pocket. "We left everything else in the house in a hurry. Can you make sure he knows?"
"I'll page Dr. Clancy and I'll try and bring you information when I can. There is a phone at the desk you can use, but if you want to wait a bit the waiting room is just over there," the nurse said, pointing him to the waiting room nearby.
He sat down on the metal chairs near the room, his head falling into his hands as he waited. It couldn't have been more than twenty minutes before Jim came running in. He barked out orders and people moved out of his way as he ran down the hallway. Melinda came in next with Mackenzie who had a McDonald's bag in hand.
"Ned," Melinda came to him first, sitting next to him. "What happened? Why didn't you call?"
"I tried. It just kept going to voicemail and then they said she wasn't stable… I couldn't think," he whispered, blankly staring at her. He didn't know how to focus, but Mackenzie was holding out a burger.
"Mackenzie, give him space. Don't just shove food in his face," Melinda said, moving her out of her way and then hugging him. "Sorry about her."
"It's okay," he said, feeling tears prick his eyes and he let himself relax just a bit in Katie's mother's arms. Melinda had always had a special place in his heart and did give the best hugs in a time of crisis.
"Sorry, Ned. I thought it would help," Mackenzie rolled her eyes before turning to Ned as she unwrapped the food for herself. "I eat in a crisis. You sure you don't want one?"
The only thing Ned could focus on was the braid of Mackenzie's blonde hair and her eyes. The blue of them and he saw another burger being held out to him. He touched the nail polish on her nails, not realizing it was wet.
"Oh sorry. I was doing that when mom told me. I just ran, followed, and pulled my jacket and shoes on." Mackenzie said, wiping the leftover nail polish on her jeans, shrugging as he took it. "I had to be here, but Aaron stayed to watch Lana. Katie's my best friend even if she's my big sister."
"I guess I could eat," he muttered, hugging her then too when he saw the anxiousness on the teen's face.
She didn't say anything, just gave her mother the bag of food and wrapped her arms around Ned. "I'm scared," the blonde whispered. "She's my big sister."
"I know," he said, pulling back and smiling at her. He hugged her once more as he said, "I tell you as soon as I know what's going on."
"Jim will find out what's going on as soon as possible. You know that Kenz," Melinda reassured them both as she put the bag on the seat next to her. "Your mother said she would be here soon, last I talked to her."
He had wished his mother was here, but ate his burger rather than wallow on it any more. Mackenzie went to sit by Melinda, dishing out her mother's food and beginning to eat her own fries. "This is all my fault. I should've known something was wrong."
"Hey. Look at me," Melinda said, shaking her head. She rubbed his back and tried to reassure him, but it didn't do much. "Come on, Ned, just look at me." He slowly lifted his head up and looked at his mother-in-law. How come she was always so nice to him? She'd always been so nice and the best babysitter. At least that he remembered. "This is not your fault. She had Jim checking on her every day since her complications started. We didn't see this coming."
"How do you know that?" He sighed. "You don't have to say things to make me feel better."
"Katie is my daughter and you are her husband. I will always take care of you both." Melinda squeezed his shoulder and smiled at him. "No matter what."
"Yeah," he said. "I could never thank you for everything you've done."
Melinda shrugged and sat back. "Isn't that the same nurse I saw you with?"
"I think so," he finished his burger then, running his hands through his hair. He stood, going to stand near the ICU room where the nurse was standing with her chart.
"You can see your wife now. A doctor is about to check on the baby now that we have her stabilized." The nurse explained, stepping out. "The chief was just in there. He will be back soon I bet."
He nodded, turning to look in the room. He could barely see Katie through the sea of doctors and nurses tending to her, but the room started to clear, he stepped inside and walked toward her. Katie was awake, lying there with different wires coming in and out of her arms. A doctor was just beginning to perform an ultrasound, waving the wand over her swollen stomach, which had a wired belt wrapped around it to read the heartbeat and any possible contractions.
"Ned," Katie sobbed, grabbing for his hand as he reached the side of the bed "Where have you been?" Once she got a hold of it, she brought it to her mouth and smiled. "I missed you. I wanted you here and I kept asking, but no one was giving me any answers once my dad left."
"I'm so sorry. They wouldn't let me see you," he whispered as he kissed her hair. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Katie. I wanted to be here."
She nodded, smiling at him. "I know. I'm glad you're here," she cried, her arms moving slightly as though she wished she could hold onto him. "I'm so scared, Ned."
"I know, I know," he whispered, cradling her head, touching his face. "I'm here now."
They both turned to look at the blank ultrasound screen as the tech rolled the wand around. The doctor hadn't turned on the one pointed toward them yet. It felt like hours until they finally saw the doctor's hand still on Katie's belly.
Ned watched the disbelief cover the doctor's face, and he knew he didn't want to hear the words she was preparing herself to say to the expectant couple.
The doctor exhaled before she set the wand down and reached for Katie's hand, gripping it tightly. "Your placenta ruptured, that explains the bleeding. Your baby is in distress and we need to act fast." The doctor began to say, squeezing his wife's hand. "I know you wanted to wait as long as we could, but there's only one option and that's to get this baby out of you right now. Okay?"
"Okay," she squeezed the doctor's hand. "How soon is soon?"
"I can give you a moment with your husband while they prep the OR, but then we'll need to take you down." The doctor said, leaving the room. "It's the only way to save the child or the baby will be deprived of oxygen for too long."
She turned to look at him and he lost all strength when he saw the pain in her eyes. His tears spilled as he held her, hugged him, feeling her lips kiss his neck. "I wish you could be there with me," she whispered, kissing his throat next, feeling him jolt at her touch. "I love you."
He placed his hand with hers, kissing her briefly, and they were silent from then on until the doctor and prep team came back to get her. "I'll be right here when you come back and wake up," he reassured her and sat back in the chair as they wheeled her out. "I promise. I love you more than anything."
"Okay. I love you," she said, squeezing her hands against his before she let go once they were out of reach.
"I love you," he repeated again, choking on his words.
He knew he should fill everyone in on what's going on, but he stayed in the chair until Jim, Melinda, and Mack came into the room.
It was more comfortable here and private, and Mackenzie fell asleep on a cot brought in for her and Melinda sat in the comfier lounge chair opposite of his. His mother came eventually when he was trying to get some sleep, but he'd only found himself blinking at the wall.
"How are you doing?" Delia asked.
"How do you think?" He practically snapped, but his mother back off. He could only hope she knew he had too much on his mind to be worrying about.
When the doctor returned an orderly pushed the hospital bed where Katie laid hooked up to machines and unconscious back to where the bed goes. Ned stretched, standing up to walk out into the hallway with the doctor, and waved off Delia from following him.
"Well," he muttered sleepily. "Just give it to me straight doc."
"We were too late," the doctor paused, looking up at him. "I'm so sorry. Your son didn't make it. We did everything."
He had heard every word said, but it didn't register. "Son?" He asked. "My son?" They hadn't known the gender. They'd wanted to wait, and they had a son, and now was dead. "What happened?"
"There was a knot in the umbilical cord that denied the baby oxygen, and it caused a rupture in the placenta. Most likely some time in the last few days. It's very uncommon," the doctor explained. "It was not anyone's fault."
Not anyone's fault. But how? How could this happen to them and not be anyone's fault? How does something like this happen?
"When your wife wakes," the doctor's voice made him stop before he entered the room again, Ned's eyes glancing at his sleeping wife. Katie didn't even know yet. How was he going to tell her? "I thought it would be best for her to hear it from you. Let one of the nurses know and she'll bring your son to you both so you can be with him if you'd like."
He nodded, going back to his chair, pulling it to Katie's side. He felt his world come crashing down. He didn't remember much of what followed, but he went numb. His tears were silent, soaking into her hand and the scratchy sheets of the hospital bed.
Melinda must've come over at some point because he swore he could feel her hug him from behind, her pregnant belly against his back.
Their son had entered the world sleeping on January 19th.
The weeks that followed their return from the hospital were a routine of silence, tension, and strained cohabitation. Katie refused to answer texts, phone calls, or emails from anyone, and she left it up to Ned to deal with the offers of help and comfort that no one really meant or expected them to accept.
She jumped back into her job as a teacher as soon as she could, working full hours and trying to keep herself busy. She slaved away extra hours at her school to grade papers, trying to ensure that she spent as little time as possible at home in that silence that replaced all that should have been.
Ned had gone back to work soon after she did. At first, he made sure to spend the evenings with her, trying to coax Katie into talking, sharing, or even touching without feeling like two total strangers in the house.
However, after days of trying and being met with her stony reactions, he started taking on his old evening shifts, which meant that at least two or three times a week she did see him except for asleep in bed beside her.
In fact, just as she buried her grief behind an impenetrable wall of coldness, and her husband tried to find solace in prayer. The same person who she used to have to drag with her to mass on Sundays.
She had been the one who was raised going to church, but this had cracked what used to be a strong hold around her faith and somehow Ned seemed to find solace in prayer, while she fought every minute of the day with the constant reminder of her failure.
Every minute of the day she wanted to find a reason for what happened, a culprit, a person to blame. So at first, she blamed her father, even her mother, for telling her not to worry and keeping her at home. She blamed her husband for wanting their son, even though he knew that she was not ready and it wasn't a part of their plan.
It was easier to blame anyone else because the alternative would be to blame herself, and she still did that every day. It was her fault. She should have known something was wrong.
The world collapsed around her again one evening when she came home from work earlier than usual, and to her great surprise, she heard voices in the kitchen. It's been a while since there was any kind of noise in their house and it jarred her ears, especially since one of the voices was that of her husband, speaking in a tone that seemed far too jaded and lifeless to actually come from him.
"I don't know what to do anymore, I can't reach out to her, she blocked me out completely," she heard him say, his voice breaking with emotion.
"Son, Katie is a strong, proud woman… much like Melinda. She -"
She burst into the kitchen angrily and discovered that the unexpected guest was actually her father. They both stared at her with the guilty looks of two people who were conspiring against her.
"What the hell are you doing here and how dare you talk about our problems to my own father behind my back?" She tossed her purse on the counter and a glare at her dad who recovered himself and matched her glare with a steady look.
"Ned called me," Jim explained calmly. "He has asked for my help because he doesn't know how to reach -"
"Out for me. Yeah, I heard that part," she finished in clipped tones as she turned coldly to Ned, who clutched at the kitchen counter, physically pale. "Thanks for coming dad and I love you, but this is a problem that my husband and I can handle alone."
"That's the problem, I don't think we can handle this alone," Ned interjected quietly. "I don't know what to do, Katie. I don't even know if you even want to be married to me anymore at this point."
She swallowed a lump in her throat and looked away. Why did her father have to be here? Why now? Did he already know all of this from Ned? She may have been miserable, distant, and numb, but the idea of actually leaving Ned would have never crossed her mind and it hadn't.
Katie and Ned had been together for so long that the notion of not loving him was completely inconceivable. She had loved far before they had even become a couple. A childhood crush that bloomed into something much more.
In fact, she hadn't recognized herself in her complete rejection of him but yet cannot help it. Even though he did not pressure her or ask her for sex, even the simplest of touches from him caused her to flinch, and there were some nights where he didn't even try to join her in their bed to sleep anymore.
He was unhappy, and so was she, but she didn't have the strength or the motivation to do anything about it, and the more time passed, the more distant they became from each other.
Since words and physical affection seemed to have no discernible effect on her, Ned had tried to leave her notes at home, telling Katie how much he loved her, how brave or strong she was, and how it killed him to see her reject both him and his love.
His words hurt, the sadness in his eyes hurts, but she did not have the strength to react, to come out of this bubble of numbness that she had wrapped herself in. Because the minute she reached out to her husband was the moment where she would have to deal with the pain of the loss of their child.
She hadn't even gotten to say goodbye to him. She had thought, maybe, with her gift that she would get a glimpse at the boy her son might've become. She'd seen it before in spirits of unborn children, but he never came and she had never seen Charlie except for his tiny dead body wrapped up in a blanket with skin ice cold.
It haunted her, but she had never once thought about leaving him. Had he thought about leaving her?
"I never considered leaving you, Ned. Not once!" She whispered softly with some heat. "How could you ever think that?"
Her father smiled at her gently and it was something that used to make her smile, but she just felt like she wanted to gouge his eyes out. "Katie, the first years of marriage are possibly the hardest. Your mother and I know that better than anyone, and we both have a particular interest in seeing you both grow together through this rough patch," Jim spoke in what he possibly believed was a kind tone, but for her, it grated like chalk on a blackboard. "You know you can call us any time."
"And I would have if I wanted to," she argued sullenly. Somehow Katie suddenly felt the need to be spiteful, even to her father. "I need space. I want to be alone. How hard is that for all of you to fucking understand?" She grabbed her purse and turned to leave. "I'm not going to be cornered by you two. If you want to talk, then do so without me."
"Katiebug, please allow me to help you find some type of resolution with Ned. Being alone right now is not what either of you needs," Jim pleaded and she stared at him in disbelief. Was there something that fogged her father from not being able to take a hint? "The death of your child is a tragedy, but you can learn to find peace again in knowing that your son is -"
"Don't," she whispered, looking back at her dad. She was barely keeping it together at this point, hot angry tears rolling down her cheek. "I know well enough that my son dying was a tragedy."
Ned threw a kitchen towel in the direction of the sink, knocking down a mug onto the floor and shattering it, and making her jump at the sudden noise. "Charlie is not only your child, Katie," he cried angrily. "He was my son too!"
She could physically feel her heart break at the mention of their son's name. Charlie. The baby boy that died inside her.
"He didn't die inside of your body, Ned. It was mine," she whispered, leaning up against the wall nearest to her for support.
The seconds that followed were silent, except for her heavy breathing and that of Ned as he angrily picked up the pieces of the broken mug.
"Katie, Ned, your son is at peace and in a better place, and it is this thought that should be the source of any comfort you might wish to seek from God," Jim spoke instead of her husband, and when her dad tried to comfort her she pulled away from him.
"Please, just don't. Nothing comforts me anymore," she confessed, wiping away more silent tears. "Not even my dreams." She paused, sighing, and then hugged her father the best she could. Part of her ached to even feel the touch, but she bared it for the moment. "Just go, dad. Please. Before I say something I regret."
One more look at her was enough and then he glanced over his shoulder at Ned before he left. "Just call if you need anything, or even just to talk. Your mom misses you, and she blames herself too. Please give her a call bug, for me?"
She nodded, only agreeing because she couldn't live with herself if her mother was blaming herself for something she had no more control over than even she did.
When Jim finally left, she turned to her husband and glared. "You called him? You couldn't call your own mother? You had to call my father?"
Ned bristled and kept his tone as neutral as possible in his reply. "He's been like a father to me my entire life Katie. Of course, I called him. You have shut me out since the moment we came home."
"Every time I look at you I see our dead son," she lashed out rather cruelly. She was beyond caring at this point. It wasn't like Ned was taking her feelings into consideration at this point either. "Is that what you think I wanted?"
"Go to hell, Katie," he yelled back as he walked around her and exited the kitchen to walk to the nursery down the hall. "How do you think I feel?"
"Don't you dare walk away from me!" She shouted as she followed him into the room that should have been their son's.
Katie stopped with a gasp and leaned against the wall as she took the scene in. Ned had left everything unchanged. The crib, the blanket, the teddy bear, the little animal print curtains and yellow walls...everything had remained the same as when she dusted the room a day before she went on bed rest
She and Ned stared at each other for a few seconds, their faces mirroring each other's hurt, sadness, and weariness. Katie breathed deeply and reached out her hand for his. He walked tentatively towards her and from the corner of her eye, she thought she saw something, a flash of light and a little giggle that was so soft it could've been in the wind.
That's when she saw a picture frame on the dresser, showcasing a drawing of a baby, a smiling brown-haired baby with green eyes that she would recognize anywhere. Those were Ned's eyes. Her son's eyes, but it could not be him; how could there be a picture of him when his eyes had never opened?
"What the hell is this?" She whispered and he pulled away from her, looking away. "I asked you a question: what the hell is this?" She cried louder, moving towards the picture frame and grabbing it roughly. This seemed to startle her husband, who glared at her angrily.
"What do you think it is? It's our son," he snapped. "My mother made it. She thought it might… give us peace to look at something happy."
"We have no son, Ned. He's dead," she muttered. She couldn't believe they were even having this conversation. The anger and the pain and the guilt were closing up on her lungs and she heard herself gasping shallow breaths as she tried to keep from falling apart. "I never even saw his spirit. Not once. He was just… gone."
"Charlie will always be our son, whether you want to admit it or not," he replied angrily.
She couldn't look at her son's fake eyes anymore, and she didn't want to see the accusing stare that she was sure Ned was throwing at her. She avoided looking at him and threw the frame to the floor, wincing as the sound of glass breaking reverberated around the room.
"There is no Charlie! HE DIED INSIDE OF ME," she screamed in finality. And in the seconds of silence that follows her actions, she took a look at her husband's face, a good look at it, for the first time since they lost their child. He was not accusatory. He was not angry, not sad. He was devastated.
Ned bent down and cradled the frame, removed the picture, and folded it with a tenderness that made her want to double up in pain. "You've gone too far," he finally whispered and walked out of the room. "I'm done, Katie. I'm done."
She did. She did go too far. And she didn't even mean it. Their baby, their son...how could she have slammed the picture of her child to the floor? How could she have denied his existence? Or denied Ned's own pain in losing him?
She reached out to Ned, her tears blinding her as they streamed down her face, but the minute her hand made contact with his arm he shrugged it off angrily. "Ned, please." She gasped tearfully. "Where are you going?"
"Anywhere to get away from you. Fuck this and fuck you for throwing me away for your own grief. I'm done trying to help you when you keep pushing me away," he told her in a cold, final tone that was not his own. He had never spoken so coldly to her. Not once. "Have fun wallowing in your own sadness, alone. It's what you wanted, right?"
He left her alone and a few moments later the front door slammed behind him. She heard his car pull out not long after, and she couldn't breathe. And she didn't think she would ever breathe again.
So this was what it felt when the heart hurt so much that it stopped beating.