i miss sam arias
i miss the potential these two could have had
so here it is
now, read, ponder, and enjoy!
When these stars rise and fall;
And I can't find my way home,
Will you be my lighthouse?
-Birdy, Lighthouse
"Help – help me."
"I'll be there."
Alex Danvers and Samantha Arias hadn't talked in…god, so long. It had been years. Years of no contact or even a simple text asking how the other was. Though it wasn't for the lack of trying on Alex's part, or Sam's part, for that matter.
They really did try, the two of them. When Sam had moved back to Metropolis, Alex had made the brunette promise to give her a daily update, if only to soothe the motherly concern in her that had sprouted since she realized that she actually wanted kids – apparently, more than she loved the woman she'd thought was the love of her life.
But distance, as it always did, proved to be the straw in the veritable camel's back. Plus, Sam was the CFO of a multinational conglomerate and Alex had malignant aliens to fight and a Kryptonian sister to protect. So eventually, as all things tended to, the line of communication faded into nothingness.
However, Sam had always been on her mind, slinking away in a corner that would occasionally spring to the forefront, especially when Alex was alone in her own apartment. Sam Arias was kind of like a ghost, except she wasn't dead. She just wasn't here.
And despite their lack of contact, she had never removed Sam's number from her phone, not like she did after her break-up with Maggie. Because she didn't break up with Sam; there was nothing to break up. They had merely been friends who seemed determined to save one another; and now, they were – well, Alex couldn't tell what they were.
None of that meant she didn't still care though. So even though she was reasonably surprised when she saw Sam's caller ID, she did not hesitate.
She booked a redeye. Took days off from the DEO. Sent a curt text to Kara. And then she hopped on a plane to Metropolis with nothing much but a duffle bag filled with essentials. It was only when she stood outside the apartment that Lena had apparently provided Sam on L-Corp's generous benefits package that she realized…she had no idea what she was supposed to do.
"What happened?" she asked as soon as the door swung open to reveal a haggard-looking Sam, trying not to react too badly at seeing the woman for the first time in three years.
But she certainly didn't miss the way Sam sagged against the doorframe once she saw Alex standing there. "I've been –" She rubbed her brows with a tired sigh. "Are you sure Reign's gone?"
Alex frowned and took a step closer, only to stop when Sam drew back. No, flinched back, like she was afraid of the redhead. She tried not to let the hurt show and just let her arms flop to her sides.
"What happened?" she asked again.
Sam gestured for Alex to enter the place, and for several seconds, the redhead stood by the threshold, taking in the place that had, rather impressively, replaced the Arias home back in National City.
Shelves decked with photo frames. Shelves lined with books. Pillows all over the couch, some even spilling over to carpeted floor. Textbooks and homework haphazardly strewn over the coffee table. Coffee stains stuck on the kitchen counter.
It was…homely. And lived in. And it had been three years since they last saw each other.
"I've been losing time again," Sam said softly as she leaned against the dining table, fidgeting with the frays of her worn sweatshirt – the sweatshirt that she most certainly stole from Alex.
The redhead decided to table the matter of the sweatshirt for another time and leaned against the table beside Sam, crossing her arms and considering the other woman carefully. "What do you mean?"
"It started, I don't know, a couple of weeks ago, I guess. I was at the office, and when I came to myself, I was in the lobby. And then I was at home, but suddenly I ended up at the café downstairs. Then I was sending Ruby to school, and I woke up at the airport. That one scared me the most," Sam explained.
"Has it happened in the three years since you came back here?" Since you left me, but Alex didn't say that. She had no right to.
"No, just recently."
Alex remained stone-faced, allowing only a smidgen of concern to creep onto her face, and stood there for a long while. Her gaze roved over Sam's form, noting the weight loss and the sharp cheeks and the absolutely unmistakable fear in the way she held herself.
At the moment, she wasn't completely clear as to what to do. But she wondered…why did Sam call her? Why not Lena? Out of the two of them, it was inarguable that Lena Luthor would probably find a solution faster than Alex – or anyone else – ever could. That woman was seriously terrifying if she wasn't so adorable.
Deep down, she knew though. She knew this wasn't Reign, because they got rid of Reign. Alex and Lena had made it their life mission to make sure of it, after all. And the two of them combined, there was no way they could have missed this. Reign was well and truly gone, but Sam was here, and Sam was terrified.
Alex didn't quite know what to do yet. She didn't voice the questions in her head. She didn't ask why Sam had taken so long to get back in touch with her. All she did was extend one arm to pull Sam into her side, hugging her as tightly as she could, even though it would do nothing to assuage the fear.
She didn't trust the DEO branch in Metropolis. She didn't trust the person leading it, who was astoundingly xenophobic even with Superman in the city. So she did the next best thing: she brought Sam back to National City, thankful that Ruby was off to summer camp, hopeful that they would solve this before the girl would ever know the state her mother was in.
In her defense, she didn't come up with that last one. She was a huge advocate of Sam being honest with her daughter about everything because the last time had been a big clusterfuck courtesy of Sam hiding from her daughter until she couldn't anymore. But the CFO was stubborn on keeping Ruby out of it, wanting the girl to enjoy a summer break without worrying about her.
"I mean, I guess," Lena said with a reluctant shrug, massaging the bridge of her nose as if preparing for an impending headache. They watched through the one-way mirror as Sam made herself comfortable on the bed and allowed an agent to retrieve vials of her blood. "Why didn't she call me?"
Alex shrugged, about as stumped as Lena was as to why Sam had chosen to call her and not Lena. "Maybe because the last time she told you…" she drifted off, knowing that Kara was listening and wouldn't hesitate to speed over to defend Lena's honor, even if Alex meant it jokingly.
Lena rolled her eyes and Alex could only shrug again. "You're not wrong," she grumbled with an adorable pout. "We did…get rid of Reign…right?" It came out with the sort of hesitation that didn't befit a woman of Lena's stature, but Alex had come to learn that Lena wasn't always the confident woman that she liked to portray herself to be.
"We did." Lena hummed, but it was halted, breathless, fearful. "We did, Lena. I saw – We saw Reign die."
"I remember being so scared that we'd killed Sam along with her."
"Exactly." Alex looked away when Sam winced as the needle pierced her skin, choosing to lean her shoulder against the glass and look at Lena again. "Besides, it wouldn't take Reign this long to resurface if - and that's a big if – we didn't get rid of her. Reign's not back."
"So how do you explain this?"
"I don't know." Lena gave her an incredulous look. "Hey, I'm not the genius here, alright? I was kind of counting on you to figure it out."
"Oh, sure, just leave all the hard work to me," Lena scoffed.
"I'll be here." They both looked to the side, where Kara had suddenly presented herself with a big smile on her face, but there was no missing the doubt in the blonde's eyes. "I'll be with you every step of the way."
Lena and Kara just spent the next few moments smiling at each other. Like oblivious fools they were. Alex rolled her eyes, resisting the urge to slam their mouths together to get everyone else out of this skinny-love misery that they had to witness. Jesus Christ.
Understanding her presence here would be useless anyway, Alex decided to make herself scarce, not even bothering to announce her exit. She made her way to the door that would lead to the other room and closed it behind her, loud enough for Sam to hear her without getting startled. It would be best to not startle the woman while she was still clearly scared of the potential danger she could pose to the future.
She nodded to the agent who had finished retrieving two vials of Sam's blood and was making his way out the door Alex just came in, and pulled up a chair to sit by the bed. She forced a look of relaxation, leaning back with legs crossed and her hand propped on her chin on the back of the chair, smiling at the brunette.
"I'm all out of lollipops."
Sam scoffed, which dissolved into light laughter. Mission accomplished.
"How does taco sound?"
"I should…probably stay here," Sam said, her smile dissolving into a grimace as she played with loose threads of the blanket.
"Yeah, no, we're not keeping you here like a prisoner or something," Alex rejected the notion quickly with a shake of her head. "We'll figure this out, and in the meantime, you can choose to stay with me or Lena. Not with Kara though, her place is a bird's nest."
"Hey!" Kara's voice protested over the intercom.
Alex shot a look at the one-way mirror, one that dared Kara to prove her wrong. When Kara didn't protest anymore, she allowed herself a moment of smugness before turning back to Sam, eyebrows raised.
Sam rolled her eyes and flipped the blanket back. "I'll stay with you – I do not want to be the third wheel between whatever those two are," she offered, gesturing at the mirror with two fingers. "And I want Big Belly Burger," she whispered, promptly ignoring the simultaneous protests that sounded over the intercom.
"I want Big Belly Burger too," Kara whined.
"You stay behind and keep Lena company. Do all the hard work and stuff," Alex instructed.
She and Sam walked out of the room together. As they walked, the redhead tried her best to not reach out and hold Sam's hand, relenting to the casual brushes of the backs of their hands as they swung.
"I cannot tell you."
"Brainy –"
"It will imbalance the timeline, and it is already fragile as it is," Brainy dismissed Alex, staring intently at the computer before him. "By my calculations, there is 34.6% chance of upheaving the future if I tell you, so I will not tell you. I cannot tell you."
Alex clenched her fists on top of the desk, a murderous intent entering her eyes at her friend's determination. No, stubbornness. Damn Coluans coming from the future. Damn the timeline. She just needed reassurance. She just needed Sam to stop flinching every time she woke up, thinking that she'd lost time again.
"I also calculate that there is 78.2% chance of you damaging my face and internal organs, and I compel you to refrain," Brainy said. To his credit, he sounded steady and sure, as if he really wasn't afraid of Alex hurting him.
"Okay, calculate this." Brainy looked up at her expectantly. "What are the chances of Reign coming back?"
Brainy blinked. Once. Twice. And then he gave a golf clap. Where the fuck did he learn that? "Very clever, Agent Danvers. What a way to circumvent the risks. I salute you."
"Answer the question."
"0.03%."
"Why the point-oh-three?"
"Because there is a multiverse, Agent Danvers," Brainy stated, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world and he thought her stupid for even asking the question. Like he could sense that she was actually about to punch him, he continued, "If you punch me, Nia will be very unhappy."
"I think she'll approve."
He hesitated and frowned deeper. Then, surprisingly, he took a few steps back, as if that could keep Alex out of reach. As if she wasn't the fastest woman alive in this building, aside from the goddamn superheroes who always stole her limelight.
"I do not like the present calculations of that either," he squeaked.
She rolled her eyes. She considered leaping forward just to scare him, but decided the man didn't need that to put the fear of god in him. Shaking her head, she merely patted him on his shoulder in subtle gratitude before walking out of the room.
0.03% chance. That was something. That was a very optimistic something. She would reduce it down to zero by sheer will if she had to.
Sam was skinny. Bones jutted out of her elbows and cheeks, and Alex didn't like that. Sam possessed a pale pallor that didn't befit her usually tan skin – or as Alex could remember from years ago – and Alex didn't like that either.
Despite all that, Sam was still beautiful. So fucking beautiful in a way that Alex found her heart skipping a few beats the way it did when she first met the taller woman at the concourse that one fateful afternoon. Not even Maggie did that to her.
Alex wasn't certain if she was supposed to like that, but she understood that it was not a priority at the moment. Nothing was more important than ensuring that Sam was safe and healthy enough to be the perfect mother for Ruby.
"I'm sorry," Sam stated after having settled her stuff in the guest room, coming out of it looking all too uncomfortable.
Alex forced a cadence of nonchalance, as if this was normal, like she had seen Sam on a daily basis for the past three years. She was immensely uncomfortable, because she didn't know how she was supposed to behave around Sam anymore after such a long time without contact.
However, she also knew that as the host, she was supposed to make the guest feel as comfortable as her. Especially when it was Sam, someone Alex had been inexplicably missing.
"What for?" she asked, leaning back against the couch, forcing herself to not cross her arms.
The brunette lingered by the door of the guest room, fingers scratching at a spot on her jeans. "I'm not sure why I called you, to be honest," Sam replied bashfully, lowering her eyes to her feet. "I woke up one day, and I had this nightmare, and the first thing I thought was to call you. I'm sorry," she repeated. "I didn't mean to – god, I feel like I'm always inconveniencing you or something."
"Hey, stop that." Alex frowned at her friend – maybe friend, she didn't know – wanting so much to just leap forward and take Sam's hands in hers. Still, she remained at the couch, keeping a distance. "You will never – you can always call me," she decided softly. "This is not an inconvenience. Besides, it's kind of my job."
Sam halted for a bit before she scoffed lightly with a bitter smile. "Right. A job."
This time, Alex did push away from the couch. "I didn't mean it like that."
"No, I –" Sam held up a hand, at which Alex stopped her advance. Her face was scrunched up in a mixture of grimace and pain and a lot of emotions that the redhead didn't know how to decipher anymore. "Sorry, I just – I'm tired, Alex. I think I'm gonna take a nap. Maybe sleep forever. I don't know."
Well, what else could she say to that? No, Sam was not allowed to rest? Alex wasn't actually horrible person.
Hence, she just nodded and watched as the brunette disappeared back into the guest room. The door clicking shut sounded a lot like the gaping gap that had widened between them without knowing it.
It had been a long time since screams and cries woke her up. The last time it happened, it was two nights before she had to leave Midvale for university, and Kara had been crying and screaming in the bed next to hers, all terrified and calling out for her birth mother. It almost made Alex scrap her plans for further study entirely.
And this night, for a second, she genuinely thought it had been Kara, blurry from a barely peaceful slumber, until she remembered that Kara lived quite a few blocks away and the only other person in her apartment was – oh shit.
Alex leaped out of bed and almost fell on her face in her rush to put on her sweatpants. And then without even knocking like the polite person Eliza raised her to be, she hobbled into the guest room Sam occupied to find the woman practically thrashing under the covers. That twinge in her chest pushed the redhead to place her hands on the brunette's shoulders and start shaking her.
"Sam, hey. You're okay. I'm right here."
She didn't know how many times she spoke those words, like a broken record, or how long she hovered over Sam, doing her best to wring Sam out of the nightmare. Briefly, she wondered how many nightmares Sam had to go through before finding the courage to even dial Alex's number.
Sam woke up almost in the same manner Alex had done. In a jolt. With a gasp. And a grip so strong that Alex had to bite her inner cheeks to suppress the yelp. Because this was not a human grip. This was like Kara giving her bruise because she hadn't yet gained control of her Kryptonian abilities.
This was something else entirely. No, not Reign, but this was something that they all had to watch out for.
But for now, Alex let Sam grip her arms as tightly as she wanted to, even at the risk of breaking bones. At this moment, Alex was the only anchor Sam had to the real world, and not the nightmare that undoubtedly involved a murderous Reign and god knows what else.
"You're okay," she whispered repeatedly through gritted teeth, leaning forward to maintain eye contact with the taller woman. "I'm right here."
All Sam did for the next few minutes was pant and pant and pant, looking into Alex's eyes with desperation and anguish and fear. A mixture that Alex had never wanted to see on anyone she loved, and yes, that included Sam. It would always include Sam.
At one point, the brunette seemed to have grounded herself enough to be able to look somewhere else. When her eyes landed on their connected arms, she let go with a sharp gasp, hands immediately flying to cover her mouth in horror at the bruises already forming on Alex's skin.
"Oh god," she gasped.
"Hey," Alex said, reaching out without hesitation to hold Sam's shoulders once more, not relenting when Sam tried to shake her away. "Look at me, Sam, it's okay. Really. It's okay."
"No, no, it's not."
"Sam, please, it's okay."
"No!" Sam exclaimed, leaping out of bed to put distance between herself and Alex, eyes darting around in panic. "No, I'm sorry. This is – god, I hurt you."
"You had a nightmare."
"That doesn't excuse this."
Ignoring the soreness creeping up her arms, Alex stood up and approached Sam to show her that she wasn't afraid, because she wasn't. There was no universe in which she would ever be afraid of Sam, even in her worst moments when she wasn't even herself.
"You didn't hurt me." Sam gaped at her incredulously. "This is just superficial. It will heal," Alex continued, gesturing at her bruised arms. "Sam, I know that you will never intentionally hurt me." Sam nodded in agreement, still speechless. "You had a nightmare. That's all there is."
Alex gazed at Sam carefully, trying to figure out her silence and what exactly was happening to have given Sam such immense strength. It simply didn't make sense for Reign to resurface again after Alex and Lena literally excavated the Worldkiller from within Sam's head.
She would call Lena in the morning. Hell, she would even loop Brainy if that was what it took.
But for now, she sank to her knees simultaneously with Sam, not hesitating to wrap a trembling Sam into her arms, placing her head under her chin. She rubbed a hand over Sam's lower back while the other arm remained safely secured around her shoulders.
"She's Kryptonian."
"Yes, we know that."
"No, she's Kryptonian," Lena insisted, turning the tablet around to show Alex the bloodwork results displayed on the screen.
Alex studied the results momentarily in a daze, but once it dawned on her, she snatched the tablet from the CEO's hands to take a closer look. Observing the cells and absorbing the numbers displayed in a column next to the graphic. She blinked once. Twice. Thrice.
And then she looked up to find Lena staring back at her with the same wide eyes. Disbelieving. Appalled. Utterly confused.
"This doesn't make sense," she stated in a harsh whisper.
"Any sense," Lena agreed.
"Except it kind of does," Alex replied, looking down at her arms that were concealed by the sleeves of her uniform, but they all knew what had transpired a few nights ago. According to Kara, there were hairline fractures, not enough to be put in a cast, but they would take time to heal – all these, Sam didn't know. "But how?" she added.
"Might I offer some insight?"
The two of them looked up to find Brainy standing a safe distance away, hands behind his back and a thoughtful expression on his face. Alex narrowed her eyes, to which Brainy took another step closer to the door, prepared to escape at any sign of danger. Coluans could be cowards too in the face of an angry Alex Danvers.
"Oh, now you have insight?"
"The chances of warping the timeline have reduced to 9.1%. I suppose it is quite safe now, provided I do not reveal too much."
"Well, you better spit it out before I do something that Nia really won't like," Alex spat, turning to fully face him.
He gulped, apprehension clear across his face. He extended a hand warily. "May I have a look?" Alex loosened her iron tight grip on the tablet and handed it over. He studied the bloodwork results with studious eyes, frown painted over the bridge of his nose. "Just as I thought," he murmured.
"What?" Lena inquired from behind Alex, bridging on impatience herself.
"In the future, Supergirl and Superman are not the only Kryptonians we have," Brainy explained slowly, lowering the tablet and still looking slightly uncertain at whether he should be giving the information he was giving, but Alex didn't much care about that right now – that was a problem for future Alex, if she was even alive by then. "Well, I suppose not so much as have than had." He blinked rapidly to himself at the fact.
"I'm not here for an English lesson," Alex snapped.
"Yes, of course." He cleared his throat, took another look at the bloodwork, and nodded to himself. "Superwoman was – is – was – wait –"
"Brainy."
"I apologize. This is a rather confounding language. How do you cope?"
"Brainy," Lena and Alex chastised at the same time. "What the hell do you mean Superwoman?" Lena tacked on.
"You see, I never did quite learn the origins of Superwoman. We had always assumed that she had always been around. Long before any of our time. Now, I suppose I do," Brainy offered thoughtfully, forefinger and thumb on his chin.
"Hold on, are you saying that Sam is Superwoman?"
"Is for you. Was for me."
Alex narrowed her eyes, finding herself consumed by familiar impatience with Brainy's obsession for the semantics and useless expositions that were of no help at all. The way his brain ran was that he loved knowing things, almost as much as he loved Nia. And any new information was like treasure to him.
It was something that Alex appreciated in other times. After all, she was a scholar before she became an agent of a black ops organization that still hinged brazenly between xenophobia and acceptance. At this moment, she did not appreciate it at all.
"You removed Reign, but you cannot remove who Ms. Arias is. And Ms. Arias was born on Krypton, therefore –"
"Therefore, she was never human to begin with," Lena added in lieu, voice a breathy whisper of awe.
"Precisely." He clapped his hands once and winked at them. "Well, the risk of endangering the future has remained at 9.1%. What is it you say? Ah yes, my job here is done." With that, he didn't even hesitate to get out of the room, as far away as possible from the two people who cared most about Sam.
A dozen – literally – Big Belly Burgers laid on the coffee table, because Alex didn't want to presume after three years of no contact at all. Who was to say Sam's preferences hadn't changed during her time in Metropolis? Who was to say Alex even knew anything about the taller woman anymore at this point?
As such, when it was her turn to order, Alex simply looked at the huge menu for one second before telling the cashier that she would have one of each, thank you very much. For that, she was at the receiving end of several weird and disgruntled looks from both the employees and the people lining up behind her. But screw them.
So yes, there was a dozen burgers on the coffee table, along with a ton of sides and beverages. And yet, Sam had opted to sit on the opposite end of the couch and focus on Alex's arms that were covered by a ten-year-old long-sleeved sweatshirt.
"I think I should go home now," Sam finally said after a long moment of silence where the redhead pretended to be absorbed with TikTok on her phone while stealing surreptitious glances at her guest.
Alex blinked. "Why? Is Ruby back?"
"Well, you figured it out," Sam said. "I'm Kryptonian, through and through. That's it, right? Your job is done."
When Alex and Lena told Sam about their latest discovery, the CFO had only stood there, jaw dropped and eyes widened. And then she had only asked Alex to take her home without much exposition.
Until now, Alex still wasn't sure how Sam felt about it. But if Brainy's revelations were of any substance, Sam would come to embrace that identity quite gloriously.
The redhead closed her eyes and heaved a tired sigh, cursing her past self for not filtering her words properly. "Sam, I really didn't mean it like that," she said, raising her gaze to meet Sam's. "I mean, yes, it is my job, but that's just a small part of it. A very small part." Sam raised her brows. "You're my friend. I care about you very much. Whatever happens to you, I want to know. And I want to help you."
Sam rested an elbow on the back of the couch and started rubbing the bridge of her nose absentmindedly. "I'm always troubling you with my stuff. I'm sorry I'm such a burden."
"And I told you that you shouldn't ever be sorry. And you will never be a burden," Alex replied softly, perching closer to the woman. "Are you – are you still losing time?"
Sam raised her brows with a meek smile. "It's funny. Ever since I called you that night, I haven't – I've been present in all of it."
She licked her lips, and Alex had to look away. There was a lot about that to unpack, but Alex tended to read a lot into things. Maybe too much, really. After all, she did propose to Maggie after barely a year of dating, which was kind of nuts, now that she thought about it.
"But I don't wanna risk it. I don't wanna risk Ruby. Or the rest of the world, for that matter."
"Okay. Can I tell you what I think you should do?" When Sam nodded in approval, Alex said, "See a therapist."
"Huh?"
"Listen, you – I think you were losing time because you've been suppressing everything for so long. You delved into managing L-Corp in Metropolis and taking care of Ruby, without really thinking about everything you've been through. The pain and anguish that Reign put you through. And bubbles burst, you know. I think that's why the Kryptonian part of you only resurfaced recently. And why you're losing time on top of it. You're just – you were a bubble, and three years are a long time for it to grow too big."
"What kind of metaphor is that?"
"Don't judge my metaphors. We're talking about you."
"Bubbles, though?"
"I thought you would understand it more! You know, being a chief financial officer and all."
In the end, they descended into a round of laughter. And amidst her own cackles, she kept in tune with Sam's lilting chuckles, and she loved it. And she missed it. And she wondered if she was as much of an idiot as Kara had been and still was.
There could be a million Kellys and Maggies, and Alex would love them, yes. Because they were awesome people and they always meant something in different stages of Alex's life. They left footprints and trailed algae that could never be erased.
But there was only one Samantha Arias. And Alex had spent too long missing her, thinking about her, putting her in a safety box with her name specifically stamped on it. Fucking hell, this really wasn't the right time.
Alex had missed Sam – she could admit that now in the face of a physical Sam in her presence, staying in her guest room and visiting the DEO and basically just being Sam, only a little less afraid than she had been when Reign was around.
But she hadn't realized how much she missed this, where she and Sam and Kara and Lena would congregate in a living room and drink shitty alcoholic beverages.
These women were different footholds in Alex's mind. One was a sister she would give her life for. One was a woman with intellect that far rivaled her own but she had found to be an excellent friend. The last one – well, she was the one that got away.
"Do you have any idea how mean it is that you have not visited National City once since you moved back to Metropolis?" Lena complained to Sam, a wine glass hanging precariously between her fingers, as she sat on the couch, pretty much leaning against Kara's shoulder.
"Isn't Andrea around?" Sam retorted, and threw knowing look at Alex when Kara coughed uncomfortably – almost jealously – at the mention of the woman's name.
"She's different and you know it," Lena pointed out. "I miss Ruby."
"You miss spoiling her."
"She is my goddaughter. I'll spoil her however I want."
Sam rolled her eyes but didn't offer any retort. No promises that she would return, but no promises that she wouldn't either. Alex would take that win.
"What time's your flight tomorrow?" Kara asked slightly mournfully. When Sam rattled off the time, Kara hanged her head back with a groan. "It's too soon. You know, I could train you," she added hesitantly, biting her lower lip. She didn't know about the Superwoman business, neither did Sam; best to keep it within as small a circle as possible.
Clicking her tongue, the CFO made a small grimace before offering, "Let me get through therapy first. I wanna figure things out one step at a time."
"Fair."
"You're not to miss a single session, do you understand me?" Alex instructed with a finger in Sam's direction and a stern expression on her face to get her point across. "I swear to you, I'll find out. I was the director of the DEO for a reason."
"Yes, mom," Sam said with mock disgruntlement.
Alex sat back in the armchair she had commandeered in Lena's living room, bringing the bottle of beer to her lips to hide the downward tug. She watched as her friends and sister chatted up a storm about everything and nothing, offering a rejoinder every now and then.
As she kept her gaze on them, she wished she wasn't a normal human being with normal human strength and without any sort of powers. She wished she could freeze this in time. She wished she could keep this forever. Her people in one room – three women she loved more than anything.
"You're never gonna ask me out, are you?"
They were in a café at the airport, waiting for the appropriate time for Sam to enter the departure gate. Lena and Kara had bidden their farewells, but they had a foundation and a news organization to run, respectively, so they left Sam with Alex, making the redhead promise to not let Sam go until absolutely necessary.
So now, here they were, in a café. And Alex, before she could stop herself, practically sprayed cappuccino out of her nostrils, barely able to stop the liquid from reaching Sam as she drew back dramatically to widen the distance as her hands frantically reached for tissue papers to wipe up the remnants.
Meanwhile, Sam watched her from the other side of the table with a bemused smile on her face. But there was also no mistaking the sadness in her eyes.
"What?" Alex finally managed to ask between coughs.
"You heard me."
Alex scanned the other woman's face, while her mind ran through all the moments they had shared together. Pinpointing a single woman that could have led to this question would have been impossible.
"I – um – wait, I thought you're straight," Alex blurted out.
Sam stared at her for a moment. Like, she just stared for a very long moment, expression totally undecipherable. And then she started guffawing in the middle of this otherwise quiet café, attracting the attention of pretty much every patron who just wanted to go somewhere that was not here.
Alex sent them all apologetic nods with an apologetic smile on her face, while being totally confused at where the humor was from. She genuinely thought Sam was straight, what with Ruby and literally the lack of any signs at all. What the fuck.
"What?" she questioned incredulously once Sam's laughter dissolved into broken chuckles. "Aren't you?"
"Why would you ever think that?" Sam asked as she rolled her eyes, picking up a napkin to wipe at the edges of her eyes.
"I mean – Ruby," she stammered.
"What? Only straight people can have babies?"
"I didn't want to – to assume."
"Okay, let me clarify." Sam straightened in her seat, leaning forward slightly and pinning Alex down with a determined gaze in her eyes. "I am not straight. I'm blazing bisexual who enjoys men and women, but I currently enjoy you very much. In fact, I think you're the only thing I'll be able to enjoy for the rest of my life."
Past Alex wouldn't have known what to do with this information. Scratch that. Present Alex still didn't know what to do with this information that she hadn't the slightest idea was even possible. She had pretty much resorted herself to a life of longing for Sam but never having her.
And now here Sam was, pouring her heart out in a not-so-meek confession in an airport café. An airport they were waiting in because Sam wasn't going to stay. She was never meant to stay.
God, they had the worst timing.
And for a brief moment, Alex kind of hated Sam for choosing this moment to tell her this, and not three years ago, when they actually had a shot at trying this out. Whatever this electrifying thing between them could be.
"Sam, you're going to Metropolis," Alex whispered, leaning forward as well.
"Because you didn't ask me to stay," Sam whispered in return, pain threading through her voice. Alex blinked in surprise. "I would have stayed three years ago. All you had to do was ask." She drew back to collapse against the back of her seat, running her fingers through her hair. "I was a mess and I didn't know how to process it all, but I did know that I was just waiting. Waiting for you to ask me to stay. Am I – I don't know, maybe I'm seeing things here."
"You're not seeing things," Alex quickly retorted, not wanting Sam to get the wrong idea. "I just don't…" She drifted off and looked away from Sam, trying to get her messy thoughts in order, figure out the next phase. She brushed a hand over her face and gulped. "Do you – do you still want me to ask you?"
"Well, do you want me to stay?"
"That's – that's all I want."
Sam nodded thoughtfully. "Then ask me."
Alex nodded as well and cleared her throat. She looked around at the Starbucks with the shitty coffee with the barely drinkable cappuccino. These people were all waiting for a flight too, to go somewhere else they were meant to be rather than here.
The woman in front of her had a ticket that would bring her elsewhere too if Alex didn't play her cards right. Alex had absolutely no idea what the future would become, split in two ways that could either very wrongly or be the best thing to happen in her life.
So many variables. So many opportunities to fail. And yet, so many opportunities to succeed.
Alex had long since figured out that she couldn't ever plan for the future every step of the way. With that, she made a decision and stood up, reaching for Sam's hand and pulling her out of the café, As they walked, they didn't speak a single word until they reached the departure gate, where coincidentally, Sam's flight was first listed on the monitor above.
"I have loved you since I gave you that lollipop," Alex started, firmly holding Sam's hand. "And I want to – okay, I'm sorry for thinking you're straight. Blame the society. I thought I was straight." Sam giggled. "But I – I know you have a life in Metropolis. A house. A daughter. A job. But I want you to stay. Ruby can go back to the school she attended before. You can – I'm pretty sure Lena will give you a fucking house if you ask for one."
"Alex," Sam interjected softly, taking one step closer. "Ask me."
Alex looked into those beautiful brown eyes that had captivated her long before she even knew it herself. "Please stay," she pleaded.
"Okay."
"Okay?"
"Okay."
In a moment, the weight on her shoulders lifted. Her chest felt lighter. And Alex couldn't remember the last time she felt this happy or delighted. She grinned and rested her forehead against Sam's. She took a minute to just enjoy this closeness between them, allowing the vast happiness to take up space in her being.
And then she leaned her head inwards to capture Sam's lips in a kiss that would precede many.
i will forever be bitter