It was all his fault, he had to bear full responsibility for the absolute disaster of a military operation that had transpired beyond Wall Rose.
It was just as Eren and the rest of the 104th Cadet Corps feared. Reiner and Bertolt were traitors just like Annie. They spent all those years, growing closer together, becoming friends together and training to defeat the Titans together. Now, the titans they were training to defeat, the titans who broke down Wall Maria and brought ruin to his life and his dearest friends ended up being one and the same.
He thought so highly of the three, for him they could do no wrong. During the grueling days of training he had learnt so much from their skill and discipline and resolved to double his efforts, to be just like them. Although, he supposed he truly WAS just like them. He was also a titan, a monster built to destroy. And like Annie, he too was captured and failed miserably in his mission.
If only he wasn't so damn useless he could've defeated the two of them and protected the Survey Corps from yet another bloody charge. Maybe if he hadn't chosen to lock Reiner into a guillotine he could've escaped Bertolt's attack? Maybe if he had fought Reiner away from the walls he could've dispatched him and the Colossal Titan one-by-one? Maybe if he had figured out how to crystallize his Titan just like Annie could then maybe he would've-
At times of immense doubt and loss, Eren often thought of Captain Levi's words to him in the forest of giant trees. Objectively speaking, he did act to the best of his abilities and it was true that his titan had no real defense against the power of the Colossal Titan. But Eren was not Captain Levi, he couldn't just shrug his shoulders and go from loss to bloody loss without examining himself and reprimanding himself for his failure. He had to be better, stronger, he had to be whatever it took to give meaning to the sacrifices of the lost ones.
Dozens of brave soldiers were killed, no, slaughtered in a head-on assault. Hannes, the kindhearted and drunken Garrison officer, was taken from him right in front of him by the same Smiling Titan that took his very own mother. The mission had gone all the way to hell and his comrades were all going to die. Commander Erwin, Armin, Connie, Krista, Jean were mere seconds away from being ripped apart and consumed by titans, just has he had been at Trost.
Even Mikasa, the most amazing and talented girl in the 104th, gave up any hope of survival in the end. Her ribs were crushed, death was all around her and she could barely move without excruciating pain. They were both about to die in that god-forsaken field because he was a pathetic failure that couldn't protect a damn thing he loved.
But she smiled at him. Even in that hell, she looked at him like he was the only thing in the world that mattered, the only thing in the world at all. What the hell did a fool like Eren Yeager ever do to deserve such trust and kindness directed at him? Couldn't she understand that she was going to die?
He could not allow that to happen. He wanted, needed for Mikasa to be safe and happy no matter what. He knew damn well she had no grand dreams of joining the Survey Corps and taking back the outside world from the titans. She merely wanted a peaceful life and she truly deserved it more than any other.
Even if he had to fight a thousand titans barehanded, he would ensure she got one.
She was simply that important to him. Even if he was a monster or a failure, Mikasa had nothing to do with it, and her dying for his failure was unacceptable.
If fate was crueler and she had died there to her injuries, Eren wouldn't know what to do with himself.
Once, before all the madness started in Shiganshina, the two of them cuddled together for warmth in their shared bed while a freak storm raged outside their home. Mikasa was terribly frightened by the lightning and thunder, so Eren tried to take her mind off the deluge by rambling like a moron about nothing in particular.
Eventually, his monologue shifted to that of what the two of them would do in an ideal world without walls or titans and the type of life they'd live, together. They wouldn't need anywhere fancy, just a warm and cozy home just like Shiganshina. There'd be a well-stocked kitchen to cook together in, a small living room with a fireplace for the cold winter nights, a study to hold the hold the countless books Armin would no doubt write detailing the beauty of the outside world, the works.
He had said that it would, of course, have to be somewhere out of the way in the countryside, surrounded by nature (Mikasa never liked crowds very much which was fine by him) and ideally in the mountains, where they could go hiking in the summer and sledding in the winter. Verdant surroundings were a must considering that Mikasa loved flowers, especially those purple ones that he always forgot the name of. She'd love to have a garden of her own. Plus, they'd need somewhere to grow vegetables and fruits anyways.
At that point, Mikasa was clutching his sides with her trademark strength and gazing at him with starry eyes. It was unbearably embarrassing talking about "domestic" things, but with the way little Mikasa was hanging onto every word he said like a lifeline, he just couldn't stop his babbling. Her soft giggles and dreamy expression directed only at him were just too much.
In the end they spent hours whispering to each other under the covers of their bed-fort, dreaming of their own peaceful word of freedom and flowers, a world with just the two of them.
He fought fiercely to defeat the titans, to live in a world free from the constant threat of being eaten alive yet the thought of living in this hypothetical world of freedom without Mikasa to experience it alongside him filled him with a terror he had never felt before. Any peace or freedom he could ever attain would be hollow without her to experience it alongside him. She had to stay safe, for both their sakes.
That was how Eren ended up spending the vast majority of his time shadowing Mikasa like a mother hen.
It had only been half a week since the mission beyond the walls where Eren used his miraculous new ability and it seemed like the 104th Cadet Corps earned a brief respite from the horrors of battle. A brief respite that they all took full advantage of in their new safehouse. All of them except for Eren, that is.
From the moment of their "leave" he had settled himself into a routine of training exercises, Hange's titan experiments and taking care of Mikasa. That morning consisted of 3DMG and martial arts practice with Captain Levi. Reiner and Annie were nothing in a fight compared to humanity's strongest and by training with the angry midget Eren had felt more exhausted than he had even after sealing the breach in Trost.
"Alright brat, that's enough for the morning, you can run off to go take care of your girlfriend now."
Pondering what exactly the Captain meant by that, he hurried back to the the Survey Corps' safehouse to check on Mikasa. She would be in her room, awake by then so he had to prepare breakfast for her. Eren was no great chef but if Mikasa were to keep her strength up then she'd have to eat something substantial. That fucking slop they call "rations" are unacceptable for her recovery. Weevil-ridden hardtack and watery gruel would do nothing but make her sick, if anything.
He had to shake down Sasha for some meat and potatoes but it was worth it. Still, it was weird how she got this creepy grin on her face when he said he needed it for Mikasa. Even weirder was how red and flushed Mikasa got when he insisted on feeding her, only so she wouldn't have to use her hands of course. Was she running a fever or something? Why was everyone acting so strangely?
(Eren eventually got her to accept being spoonfed by him though, right after he assured them they were alone.)
Next on the agenda were the experiments with Hange. Eren spent hours transforming and performing menial exercises to gauge the scope of his titan's abilities and to try and unlock the secret of the "crystallization" abilities Annie used back during their battles. Turns out that so long as he doesn't overdo his transformations then he has immaculate control of his titan form, even to the point he could construct a small cabin with the proper materials in about half an hour.
In the end though, he exerted himself too much by transforming too many times and had to be hauled back to the safehouse.
Too bad, though, that all those crystallization experiments bore no fruit in the end. He and Captain Hange had been brainstorming ideas of using the ability to develop an efficient way to kill titans from a distance without needing to throw endless bodies at them until someone scores a lucky kill. If they could pull it off, nobody would have to throw their lives away pointlessly anymore. Mikasa, Armin and everyone else could finally be safe. But that happy ending would remain in his dreams unless he has what it takes.
Building that cabin sure was relaxing though. Eren couldn't help but feel some inner peace at finally using his titan constructively for once rather than just fight after bloody fight. Plus, it was good practice for the home he would build for Mikasa and himself when all of this was over. Maybe he should build more shelters in his spare time to make sure he got it down correctly?
Back at the safe-house he damn near had a heart attack when he found Mikasa up and about and doing crunches of all things. She even had the nerve to smile at him and give a stoic "Ereh." as if she shouldn't be resting. Eren had attempted to vent about his Mikasa-related frustrations to the rest of the 104th only to receive dumb stares and deafening silence as a response.
He had expected to get decent advice on how to get Mikasa to treat her body better, not them looking at him like he grew a second head. Even Armin was dead silent. That damn traitor then had the nerve to look him dead in the eye and say he was acting like a panicking housewife, of all things. What a ridiculous statement. It was only natural of him to want to protect Mikasa after what she's been through. If the previous mission was any indication, then he wasn't protecting Mikasa enough if anything.
It was light's out at the safe-house, and Eren should've been sleeping to prepare for another day of rigorous training. Sleeping, however, was difficult when one's mind was occupied with thoughts of past failures, future opportunities and an absolutely infuriating girl with a red scarf. Sleep had never came easy to Eren but it had only grown more and more elusive as his burdens and failures grew. Normally when he was a kid and his thoughts were muddled, he would just cuddle with Mikasa until his mind cleared and he could drift peacefully to sleep. She always had that calming effect on him.
Before his mind caught up to his body's actions, Eren Yeager was already out of his room and across the hall about to knock on the door to Mikasa's room. The Asian girl always had even worse insomnia than Eren did, but who could blame her after the trauma she endured? She simply could not sleep at night without him there to cling to. Eren had never been a particularly "touchy" person but even he could not resist hugging Mikasa right back to banish any intrusive thought or nightmare she may have. They were forced to separate due to the gender segregation of the Training Corps and the damage it did to their sleeping schedule was downright torturous. He'd come across her on a "nightly walk" too many times over the years for it to be a coincidence.
It came to no shocker that she was wide awake as well, it only took two knocks from Eren before Mikasa swiftly opened the door.
"Ereh, what are you still doing up?" she asked, completely and willingly ignoring the fact that she ought to be sleeping as well. She actually looks worried about him, like he was the one wounded. "Is something wrong?"
"Just couldn't sleep…" Eren muttered, almost embarrassed by the admission. "Besides, I wanted to check up on you and see if you were doing okay or needed anything," he added, remembering his secondary purpose for coming to her and his new part-time job as Mikasa's caretaker. She had a peculiar look on her face at that, as though she couldn't decide if she was frustrating at Eren babying her or touched that he was so worried.
"Can I come in? I really want to talk to you." Eren babbled, without really thinking about his words. He's not even entirely sure what he wants to talk about. He just really wants to get a handle on his feelings for Mikasa before he loses his mind. He needs to tell her just how much she means to him this instant.
"S-sure…" She looks incredibly nervous now, for some reason. The last thing Eren wants is for Mikasa to be nervous in his presence. "Did I screw up again?" he thinks as he enters Mikasa's room.
Just as he suspected, Mikasa attempted to go to sleep but failed spectacularly just as he did. Her bedcovers were disheveled, the room's candles were still lit and on her bedside table there lay one of Armin's old storybooks opened and clearly in use. If they both were finding difficulty sleeping separately, then maybe together they could…
His train of thought came to an abrupt halt as Mikasa spoke. "So, what did you want to talk about?"
Now wasn't that the million-dollar question? Once more, what did he even want to talk about, exactly? Again without thinking, Eren couldn't help but blurt out the first thing to come to his mind.
"Us."
Now that got her attention. Her eyes widened comically and she had to take a seat on her bed to stabilize herself. Mikasa started fidgeting with her trademark red scarf in nervousness as her face flushed as scarlet as the piece of fabric. Nevertheless, Eren continued on. "You almost died back there in that field, you almost died because of me."
"It's alright, Eren…" she mumbles out, so quietly Eren barely heard it. Bullshit.
"No, it's absolutely not alright, Mikasa!"
Was he supposed to accept her demise, just like that? Doesn't she realize just how much she means to him? "I know you want to protect me, but haven't you ever thought that I want you to be safe just as much?" he can't stop his ramblings anymore and the words come tumbling out. "I know you never had much interest in joining the Survey Corps and that you only enlisted so you could protect me, but I hate seeing you throw yourself into hell just for my sake," his fists clenched unconsciously at the thought of a nightmarish scenario where he couldn't save her, where she was eaten by the very same titan that brutalized his own mother.
"You don't deserve hell either, Eren." He disagreed entirely, this is exactly what he signed up for. He had no right to complain.
"Even if that was true, it doesn't change the fact that I want you to be safe and happy, Mikasa." he sat down next to her on the bed, the distance between them growing shorter and shorter. "That's why I said you should've joined the MPs, you could've lived in peace, you could've been happy, you could-" Eren asserted, no matter how the thought of her being apart from him also began to fill him with dread. He was stopped mid-sentence by a stern-faced Mikasa.
"Enough, Eren."
"But I'm right!"
"No, you're wrong." She inches a bit closer to him.
"How?"
Mikasa paused for a moment, as if to gather her thoughts. With a deep breath, she steadied herself and explained her reasoning. "I… I want you to be safe and happy just as much as you want me to be," she declared with her trademark conviction. "E-Even if I would be able to live in peace, I couldn't be happy if I knew you were in danger and did nothing to help, I-I couldn't be happy separated from you, Eren…" her hands were trembling ever so slightly in her lap.
"I-I just want want to be close to you, t-that's all I want," she whispered. If Eren weren't listening intently to her every word he would've missed it. Without hesitation, he took her hands in his own and grasped them both with uncharacteristic gentleness.
Eren had no idea what the hell he was even doing. At this point, the two teenagers were entwined shoulder-to-shoulder and hand-in-hand. They would be easily mistaken for boyfriend and girlfriend. Eren had been propositioned by some random girls a couple of times in the past, during his time in the Training Corps. At the time he saw it as nothing more than a distraction, an obstacle to be avoided so he couldn't lose focus against his fight against the titans, but if it were Mikasa by his side then maybe he should reconsider?
Now Eren just knew he was blushing, if he wasn't already. "W-well… I did promise you, didn't I?" Eren murmured, recalling those words he said to her when his emotions were running wild. "I would wrap that scarf around you, now and forever, as much as you want," he repeated, every word spoken with finality and determination. It was a promise he fully intended on keeping and he wanted to make sure Mikasa knew it, too.
In response to his words, the object of his affection's eyes snapped up to his own in surprise and giddiness. With her face flushed scarlet and doe eyes gazing towards him with an expression he couldn't place, you'd think that he had promised her the world on a silver platter or something. Had she always been this adorable?
On closer inspection, her eyes were shiny and wet with unshed tears. Acting on instinct as he had countless times when Mikasa would silently cry on the nights where the trauma of her ordeal came back to her, he quickly took one of his hands comfortably resting on Mikasa's and wrapped his arm around her shoulder. Despite giving a small squeak of surprise at first, she quickly melted into his hug, nestling herself in the crook of Eren's neck.
"So, if neither of us want to be separated…" Eren began, thinking out loud, "and we both want to keep each other safe, then…"
"Then?" Mikasa repeated, slightly muffled from her resting place on his shoulder.
"We'll just have to protect each other no matter what, right?" he concluded. Eren wasn't sure what kind of response he was expecting from Mikasa, but laughter ranked pretty lowly on the list. She tried to hide it by burying herself deeper into his arms but there was no way he could miss her soft musical giggles, rare as they were.
"W-What's so funny?!" he almost squawks in indignation. Was he seriously that lame that she couldn't help but laugh? And here he thought he was finally being cool for once.
Mikasa took a second to compose herself before pulling back and responding. "It's just… looking back on it… haven't we been already been protecting each other this whole time?"
Oh. Hm. Come to think of it, they have been protecting each other since the beginning. From the moment he saved her and killed those disgusting animals wearing human skin, since she would use her ridiculous strength to help him fight off Armin's bullies, when he used the power of the titans to save her from the titan invasion in Trost, when she and the Captain rescued him from Annie's clutches and now when he defeated the Smiling Titan with his newfound powers, all they've been doing this whole time was simply protecting each other.
The thought made him chuckle too, despite his best efforts to keep a straight face. They spent a good while simply hugging each other and laughing together like a pair of idiots. As their laughter died down, they kept a companionable silence, their mutual worries finally dispelled. The quiet was only broken by a loud, involuntary yawn from Eren.
His conversation with Mikasa had, as expected, remedied his insomnia. It was about time for Eren to be leaving to finally get some shuteye. However, an idea managed to worm its way into Eren's mind and in his now sleep-addled state he could not help but think is that it was pure genius.
"Mikasa, do you want to sleep together?"
"E-Eren!?" she seizes up like a doused cat, scandalized for some reason Eren could not grasp until he replayed the exact words he just said to her.
"N-not like that!" he clarified, trying to get all thoughts of that out of his mind with mixed success. Now he needed to explain himself. "D-don't you remember how we used to share the same bed at nights and how much easier it was to fall asleep back then?"
There was a short pause, presumably so Mikasa could gather herself after that, er, misunderstanding and come up with a suitable response. It was nice for Eren to not be the one lost for words for once.
"I do remember that s-sleeping was much… easier when we were together," Mikasa admits, looking at him with a giddiness in her eyes that he couldn't exactly place. After her little confession, she grows quiet yet again, reverting back to her natural shyness. Eren took the silence as an opportunity and ran with it.
"So, if we're gonna keep protecting each other then we have to both be at the top of our game, right?" a stilted nod from Mikasa urged him to continue. "And since us both got better rest sleeping together, then, well-"
"Then we should share the room." She finished, not so subtly avoiding using the term "sleeping together" to describe their arrangement.
They were just sharing a bed, just like when they were kids, right? It was no different to how things were back then, so just why the hell was he blushing so damn much? He had no trouble charging into battle against man-eating monsters and he could sleep next to some girl with no worries whatsoever, so why was he so apprehensive now of all times?
Because this isn't just "some girl", dumbass, it's Mikasa. She's more important to you than anyone else.
Of course. That was it. Well then, shouldn't he show her just how important she is to him?
Eren slowly leaned forward, blowing out the fading candle-lights on the bedside table. He had to make sure to avoid eye-contact with Mikasa otherwise he'd end up getting all flustered again over nothing. Fumbling around in the darkness of the bedroom, Eren's hand drew back caressing Mikasa's arm, drawing out a girlish squeak of surprise and something else entirely.
Mumbling a quick "sorry" and trying to block out how much he liked hearing that sound from Mikasa, Eren shifted his way to the other side of the bed close to the wall and swiftly nestled himself under the blanket. Mikasa followed immediately after with an unsurprising (to anyone except Eren) amount of enthusiasm. The two clueless teens both lay under the covers gawking at each other, both unsure of what to do next. It was absolutely nothing like when they were kids no matter how either of them tried to pretend otherwise. What was one simply two childhood friends being adorable and comforting one another was now something completely different, even if Eren was too dense to recognize what and Mikasa too shy to admit it.
With perfect timing, a draft entered the room through the draped windows, making Mikasa shiver slightly which Eren noticed far too quickly.
"Are you cold, Mikasa?" he asked, halting a bit before continuing, "would you prefer it if I was closer to you?"
Silence. It was like Eren hadn't even asked a question, but before he could repeat himself he heard a soft "I would" through the darkness.
"A-Alright then..." Eren took the lead as always, and with only a little hesitation he sidled next to Mikasa, close enough to make out her blinking owlishly at him and close enough for their legs to cross together in a tangle. He soon realized that his arms were uncomfortably pressed to his chest and unconsciously falling into his past self's instinct, wrapped them around Mikasa snuggling up to her in the process.
The Asian girl soon fell to the same instinct wrapping her own arms around Eren's muscular chest and habitually nuzzling into his body. Her satisfaction with their new sleeping arrangements made itself very apparent with a contented sigh.
"Ereh…" she sleepily mewled, not unlike a cat. Propriety would dictate that they separate from each other and go back to sleeping on opposing sides of the bed. Eren decided propriety can go straight to hell and it seemed Mikasa had long since concluded the same.
"Let's just stay like this, Mikasa." Just the two of us, he almost added. Eren couldn't help but reflect on what a fool he's been. He should have been staying with her like this from the second they graduated from the Training Corps. He should have been protecting her far better. He made a promise that night before drifting off with Mikasa peacefully in slumber next to him, a promise that he would fulfill no matter what.
Even if I sacrifice everything, I will always protect you.