Madara, or rather the gaki raised his arms. "Whoa, whoa," it said, "I am unarmed. Would you attack a defenceless person?" It added in a wheedling tone.
Tobirama advanced threateningly, stopping short of bumping into him, looking straight into Madara's eyes, radiating displeasure from his eyebrows to his toes.
"Things are getting heated," the akuryō remarked, giggling coyly before it disappeared just as suddenly as it had appeared.
Madara automatically activated his sharingan after that, making all Senju stiffen. Madara slowly moved his eyes to and fro, seeing the diaphanous forms of his attacker's future actions swarm around him as everybody's chakra spiked threateningly, a posturing display meant to intimidate. He was surrounded, with less than one percent chance of getting out alive and with all his limbs attached.
The water churned around his legs as he kept himself anchored to a spot while the deep currents of the wide river flowed around him, trying to keep him on course. He could not stay like this forever. The Senju were standing on river rocks or on the bank and had a much more solid stance.
Madara felt that tipping point approach inexorably when Tobirama slowly, telegraphing all his movements so as to not cause alarm (a fact that alarmed Madara quite a lot), rummaged into his waist pouch and took out a hair pin, extending it to Madara.
Madara did not dare blink, although he would have wished to. The delicate two pronged kanzashi sparkled golden in the light, a tsuru in flight made of twisted gold wire decorating its end.
"For your sister," Tobirama said stiffly. "I broke one of hers during the battle."
Madara stared at the hairpin, then at the Senju's face. Tobirama remained motionless.
For the first time Madara wished he were possessed, as he would be spared the need to be the one to talk and react. Of course, no possession was forthcoming at that very moment. Madara cursed the akuryō to the tenth generation of ancestors before giving up on the hope of an evil spirit coming through.
The sharingan did not show any future movement. All was still, so he slowly extended his right hand and took the present, all the while lowering his left hand as well.
Pin acquired, Madara was sorely tempted to just ignore his battle senses' warnings and put it in his hair and reveal the true identity of his "sister", despite the null chance that he might survive the encounter, but good sense held his tongue.
"You may leave," Tobirama told him curtly while stepping back.
Oh, the Senju allowed him to go away unmolested just to make sure Madara got the hairpin back home? Madara thought irritatedly as he started walking to the bank.
The other Senju also stepped out of the water but did not follow him.
When he calculated he put enough distance to be out of immediate range of their jutsu, Madara stopped and pinned his hair with Tobirama's kanzashi. At the same time, he activated three layers of genjutsu which made his position slightly off for each of the Senju.
Madara was never one for running away from a fight, and Tobirama's haughty behaviour earned him a katon speeding towards his face and the honor of becoming top of the list for people he'd dearly like to burn to a crisp.
Tobirama responded in kind, attacking ferociously every part of him except for the hair pin. He seemed quite attached to it, and Madara even graciously offered to give it back if it was something so precious, but Tobirama only snarled and attacked with renewed vigour.
Things would have ended quite ugly if not for the fortuitous appearance of his little brothers, led by an irate Izuna. His younger brother made a beeline for Tobirama, ready to bite his head off, if the invectives he screamed at him were any indication.
Madara was touched at the devotion and anger his brothers had on his behalf. He immediately got worried, as they were children against adult opponents who would not go easy on them. He was ready to make a tactical retreat. Unfortunately, this time Izuna could not be taken out of the battlefield as he was worse than a wolverine that had gotten its tail snipped.
Izuna, like the little brother he was, also loudly yelled Madara's embarrassing crossdressing incident as he vociferously yelled that Tobirama better keep his dirty paws away from his brother, that no amount of hairpins could get Madara care for him that way.
Madara found himself only halfway paying attention to his own fight, as Izuna's threats and language became increasingly violent and explicit and how did he know all that, even he, his older brother, had no idea about half of those things!
Tobirama also realised and snapped as well, lunging after Madara with a maddened intensity, humiliation and fury choking his realisation did not impede his jutsu, which became even more powerful.
All in all, things were pretty dire, but fortunately, other members of the Uchiha Clan appeared in the nick of time. They had probably been alerted that Madara was in one of his episodes and came to save their clan's face.
Sensing the reinforcements, the battle stopped momentarily as both groups tried to gauge the other's strength. It was all posturing now, as the potential damage would be too great for either group to try and engage in serious battle.
Unfortunately, neither Tobirama nor Izuna had gotten the memo and still went at it, forcing both clan members to drag the two combatants out of the battlefield.
Madara observed with satisfaction that the Senju went out of the fray considerably more battered than them. Amateurs.
"Hello again," the cheerfully obnoxious voice of the gaki took Madara out of his thoughts. "You seem surprised," it said thoughtfully after poking around for a bit, somehow nonplussed when Madara hadn't answered the greeting.
"You came again," Madara said, his words sounding like a curse. Of course the gaki would come when it was not needed.
"Yeah, I'm surprised too," the gaki assured him. "And I have good news for you."
"You are soon going to disappear forever?" Madara asked immediately. He really had no time for this. They were still in Senju territory and one never knew if they actually managed to restrain Tobirama. It was taking all his power to restrain Izuna. Now, with the possession, things were once more slipping out of his control.
It scoffed. "No. Remember the rather lame name you have?"
Not this again, Madara thought. Considering he was in his head, the gaki heard it as well and snickered.
"No really," it insisted, "I got something even worse, or well, brilliant in hindsight."
"Do spare me," Madara thought but the gaki waved it off.
"You could be named Neji Hyuuga," it said triumphantly. "…okay, I will explain," it said exasperatedly when no sounds of adulation were forthcoming from Madara. It somehow cleared their throat. "Hyūga can be read as Hinata as well. Also, Neji means "screw" in my language, which is homophone with the verb "fuck", and is also used in context to mean contempt. So basically, the guy who hates his cousin named Hinata, has a name that literally says, "screw Hinata". Moreover, when they start getting along, there are many people who ship them and so it can take the other meaning. Pure genius, eh?" It said proudly.
And this concerns me how? Madara thought. He chose his next words carefully. "…you should try your hand at fuinjutsu," He remarked finally. " Something will happen, alright."
"You think so?" It asked excitedly.
"Yes, you might finally obliterate yourself," Madara replied.
The gaki pouted and fell silent the whole way home. That night, it made him eat ten portions of mochi , countless skewers of dango and sweet bean wagashi, explaining to him that it's what they did when they were sad.
Madara, stomach ready to burst, finally could not take it anymore and vomited. The miserable night ended when his little brothers came to his room. The gaki went silent as they dogpiled his elder brother and Madara, surrounded by sleepy murmurs of "good night, onii-san," was finally left to rest in peace until the morning when he woke up with a knee into his groin, an elbow into his gut, another knee into his spine and his youngest brother's feet into his face.
Notes:
this particular SI, that has the penchant for bad puns will probably receive a special punishment where they will be punted in the Naruto world in their real body. Preferably close to Madara. Wonder what will happen.
The pun on Neji's name is a real possibility, as 日向 can be read either Hyuuga or Hinata. And mixing languages to make puns is what the Japanese do already so...(and yeah, the SI simply wanted to tell the joke to someone- it so happened to be poor Madara who has no idea what they're talking about)
Also, Madara will probably start making categories for his possessions, going by level of annoyance probably