AN: Hi everyone! I know it's been a long time… I don't have a great excuse aside from the fact I've been busy with my job. I want to try and write regularly again, maybe update some stories and start a new one all together idk. I've learned that it's easier for me to write in small doses rather than trying to crank something out all at once. I hope you guys enjoy this. For some insight it's an AU story focusing on s18. For context, MerDer is divorced instead of Derek dying. Also I felt the title was fitting considering Taylor Swift re-released This Love last night. Let me know your thoughts!

Seeing them together twisted his stomach in knots. When she giggled because of a stupid joke he told it caused his chest to tighten. At the end of the day when she wrapped her hand in his and left to go back to his house, it felt as though the world was ending and that wasn't a euphemism. Derek had not a single right to yearn for Meredith. Not when the divorce was practically old news and they lived on separate sides of Seattle, soon to be separate sides of the country. But he couldn't help himself, he couldn't shake the feeling of jealousy that bubbled when he was forced to watch the woman who was once his entire world fall in love with another man.

He shouldn't have given in when she asked him to help with the trial. The first time he declined should have been enough except there was something hypnotizing about the way she batted her lashes and pleaded for his approval. Who was he to say no? Curing Parkinson's would put his career on the map (not that it wasn't already sitting front and center, trophy and all). Being with her was never a bad time either even post split because deep down she would be his soulmate regardless of where their romantic relationship stood. Meredith had been not just his wife but his best friend too for many years. Signing a stupid piece of paper didn't diminish that even on days he wished it did because being around her but not being with her was too much.

In the beginning of the trial things were relatively normal, things were good. They took turns bringing the other coffee each morning and sometimes took a lunch together. The research was groundbreaking. He was a junkie when it came to clinical trials, they both were really, and this was no exception. He'd always wanted to make people's lives better and he better than anyone knew his ex-wife shared that passion. It was one of the many things they used to bond over. Something he always relished about her.

The day she brought a man with her into the lab was a day he wouldn't soon forget. Dr. Nick Marsh was a transplant surgeon based in Minnesota. Somehow or another Meredith knew him from years ago, something about being the lead surgeon on a kidney transplant he needed. They reconnected one night at her hotel and the rest was a blur. Derek didn't like him. He tried his best to be supportive when Meredith brought him up in conversation or when he tagged along to the research lab just to poke his nose in the trial. She seemed to be smitten with him for whatever reason. Derek would never admit it aloud but there was definitely a sense of jealousy brewing deep down. He had not a single right in the world to be angry Meredith was with someone else, not when it was his own doing their marriage couldn't hold its weight. But he was human and he was a guy that probably would always harbor feelings for her.

It was the clack of heels against cement floors that distracted him from his thoughts. When he poked his head up it was Meredith looking back at him. She was leaned up against the doorframe and it nearly took his breath away. A black dress hugged her silhouette as if it were tailored specifically to her. Golden hair fell in perfect waves around her shoulders a bit like a halo shrouding her angelic face. A simple silver necklace was the finishing touch. She rarely dressed up like this. When they were together Meredith's go to was always a simple henley and a pair of jeans that hugged her hips in all the right places. She never worried about which dress was the most flattering or if her hair was perfect. She had always been easy going, it being one of the many things he loved about her. Lately it felt as though she was doing everything in her power to be someone she wasn't. It worried him she wasn't doing it for herself but for Nick. That thought made his skin crawl.

"What are you doing here?" Derek pulled his glasses from the bridge of nose.

"I could say the same for you. I forgot my coat earlier," she strolled through the lab, her heels clicking. He couldn't deny the shiver that spread down his back when he felt her long fingers squeeze his shoulder. She brushed past him and he listened while she rustled behind him.

Derek sighed. "I wanted to finish these notes. Hamilton is cracking down on us, I just want everything to be perfect. You know as well as anyone how my last clinical trial went." It wasn't a total lie. Hamilton really was getting antsy about the trial, about the upcoming surgery. He wanted a solution and a fast one but Derek wasn't ready to dive in yet. The answers weren't all there. He refused to go down for another failed project, not when he had the Alzheimer's trial and the brain mapping initiative weighing down on chest.

Hamilton was a stubborn man. He reminded him of Ellis Grey at times and he couldn't decipher if that was a good or bad thing. He rang Derek at odd hours of the night and barked orders only moments after stepping through the doors every morning. Although that man was a pain in his ass, obeying orders was still better than the alternative. Going back to an empty hotel room was painfully lonely. Going back to an empty apartment in Seattle was even worse.

A barstool squeaked and Meredith was sitting across from him. He couldn't help but let his gaze wander down her body like a voyeur. "You work too much," her voice broke his trance as she teased him, fiddling with the pretty silver necklace resting around her long neck.

He snorted at the accusation. She wasn't wrong. His whole life was his work. Sometimes he felt exactly as he did back when Addison was still his spouse. He made every waking moment about being a surgeon, about taking his career to the next level. Because being the best was all that mattered back then. Meeting Meredith changed his perspective on a lot of aspects of his life. His marriage to her was a far cry from the life he shared with Addison. He actually took the time to put his job aside to make room for the things that actually mattered. He and Meredith did all the things he never dreamed of doing with his first wife. Ferry boat rides, hiking tiger mountain trail, skinny dipping in the lake were just a few of the things he shared with her. She rejuvenated him. Maybe it had been the age gap or the fact she was nothing like any of the other women he'd been with before. It made their separation that much more bitter. The thing that brought him back to life destroyed him all the same.

"Touché," Derek smiled slightly. "But my flight doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon and I would rather be alone doing research than alone in a hotel room watching bad cable tv."

"I'd ask you to tag along with me but I don't think Nick would really enjoy my ex-husband eating dinner with us," she giggled as if it were nothing more than a joke at this point. 'Ex-husband' was a punch to the gut even six years later. No amount of time would lessen the pain he still felt when it came to his failed marriage.

Derek wanted to insist he would probably dislike sharing a dinner with Nick much more but he bit his tongue instead. "I'm fine," he insisted curtly.

She narrowed those familiar jade eyes at him in a way he knew all too well. He could still read her like a book. She'd ask him what his deal was and he would roll his eyes. Before there would be a fight much like he expected was brewing now but there wouldn't be an 'I love you' and 'I'm sorry' that would follow after. She would likely storm out and bitch about it to his sister or Maggie over the phone. Or maybe she would complain to Nick. He didn't want Nick Marsh in on any of his personal business.

"Why do you always do this?" Meredith asked and he didn't miss the annoyance seeping from her tone.

"What are you talking about?" He shot back. Derek knew exactly what she meant. He didn't approve of any relationship she found herself in. Always taking issue with the guys she liked no matter how textbook they seemed. He blamed it on an infatuation with protecting her when deep down they both knew it was much more.

"Every time I have a new boyfriend you do this. I've tried to give you the benefit of the doubt this time because Nick does show up to the lab often but it's fucking insufferable at this point. Why can't you be happy I'm with someone I love?"

A sharp breath slipped from his lips. His chest stung. "I'm not talking about this, you're being fucking ridiculous," he reached for his binder and the tablet scattered across the countertop. The barstool squeaked when he shifted away from her. He began rummaging through his briefcase in an attempt to ignore her burning gaze. He wanted to get away from her. He had to. Derek couldn't be around her like this. He was playing checkers while she was playing chess. She was too good at this little game of theirs and igniting his flame was what Meredith did best.

"No!" Meredith snapped. He felt her presence behind him, imagining her standing there, arms crossed, her neck a slight shade of red and her eyes an angry sea of green. "You don't get to pout and walk away. We were married for six years and together for eleven. I know you better than anyone. You're jealous. You hate every man I'm with because you resent the fact I'm happy! You're mad because I'm in a loving relationship and you aren't!"

"Meredith-"

"Don't Meredith me!"

His fingers twisted around the edge of the counter. He watched his knuckles draining of all color he was gripping so tight. What was it about Meredith Grey? They'd long since split and yet when he fell asleep at night it was still her he wanted beside him. No, he had no right to judge her or dislike the guys she dated. Their marriage fell apart because of a stupid decision on his behalf. Prioritizing D.C. was something he would regret for the rest of his life. He hadn't been man enough to fight for her then when they agreed separating was the right decision.

He wanted to be man enough now.

"I have watched you go from relationship to relationship for six years. Every single one has ended horribly whether their dead girlfriend comes back to life or they fucking die. But I have sat back and tried to be supportive-"

She scoffed and it was enough for him to swallow his pride and face her head on. She was seething. Her descriptive irises indicated anger, deceit, pain. How had he managed to hurt her again? Time and time again Derek somehow made this woman's life harder even when he tried his best not to. He hated himself for it. "You don't get to lie and slut shame me in the same sentence," Meredith's voice cracking. He watched her cheeks dampen. It took everything he had not to swipe his thumb across the fallen tears. "It is 2022 and you can't wrap your head around the fact a woman can be with multiple people and not be a whore. You're just as bad as you were all those years ago with Finn and I never even slept with him."

"I'm not slut shaming you, you won't even let me finish!" He raked his fingers through his salt and pepper curls.

"You are! You're claiming it's ridiculous I've been in so many relationships since our split. You're trying to say-"

"Meredith, please!"

"Stop saying my name!" She roared back. "Saying my name won't make it better! It doesn't change the fact you aren't happy unless I'm unhappy. Why do you hate me so much that you can't even let me have this? What did I do?" tears fell, ruining her tidy makeup. If this was before, back when she was more than just his co-parent or co-worker, he imagined wrapping himself around her akin to a cloak. When Meredith cried his stomach turned to knots. It didn't matter how bad the argument was, it didn't matter how much he wanted to storm out, when she cried he softened. All Derek wanted to do was protect her.

"You think I hate you?" His lip quivered. "I can't stand watching you with other people because I love you. I loved you when I agreed to the divorce and I loved you when we sold the dream house and I loved you when you told another man you loved him and I love you now. I. Just. Love. You. Watching you with Nick makes me sick to my stomach. I can't stand the thought of his hands on your waist or his lips on yours. I love you so much that I agreed to doing this stupid trial just so I could be close to you. I don't need this opportunity! A fucking medical breakthrough is what ruined our marriage. I vowed to quit the research and stop the arrogance because if I couldn't have you maybe I'd be better for the next woman. But there is no other woman because I'm in love with you. So I swallowed my pride and said yes to helping you but all it's done is backfire because I've been forced to watch you fall in love with another man. So yes, I'm jealous but not because of your relationship but because I wish I was with you."

Silence spread between them. Derek didn't know what she would say. He half expected her to slap him. A small part of him wanted her to kiss him. He just… he missed her. He just never realized how much until she was already happy with someone else.

"I love Nick," she whispered. "I'm very happy with him and I won't ruin another happy relationship for you," And it was the most painful sentence he'd ever heard. Meredith sniffled softly and she wiped her nose. It was a sense of deja vu except this time there wouldn't be adulterous sex in an exam room.

He didn't get the chance to say anything before she slipped out of the lab, Derek was doubtful she would've listened. He stood like ice until the sound of her heels clicking down the corridor was non-existent and he was left with nothing but the deafening sound of silence.

The Derek before would have found the nearest bar. He would drink scotch till his head felt fuzzy. He had no desire for alcohol tonight and he didn't want to be in an unfamiliar city black out drunk because a girl didn't love him back. How pathetic was he? After a while he'd been able to get his wits in order and he left the clinic with his heart in the pit of his stomach. He felt nauseous thinking back to how she rejected him. Hell, he deserved it. She'd been understanding and accommodating to him for a lot of their relationship. Maybe Nick was the better option. At least he had yet to kiss another woman and neglect her for a fucking job.

His hotel room was dark and lonely. Crawling into bed was the only option he had that wouldn't result in a full on breakdown. He felt stupid and adolescent. He lost his chance with Meredith and he had to live with it.

The noises of a bustling city was nearly enough to lull him asleep when a steady rasp at his door tore him from a land of dreams. His teeth chattered as his bare feet touched the freezing ground. Who the fuck was at his hotel room door at nearly two in the morning?

It was Meredith he found on the opposite side of the threshold. Her eyes were hazy, he frowned at the smeared mascara under her eyes. She still wore the fitted black dress but she was barefoot this time.

"I walked here," she blurted and let herself in, not that she needed permission. She was pacing. He heard a thud when her bag met the floor. "From Nick's house to here- I ran some of the way but then I got tired so I just ended up walking. Now the soles of my feet are scraped up because I'm the idiot who decided no shoes were better than heels. Also it's freezing and I forgot my coat again!" Meredith went on rambling mindlessly. If he wasn't worried he might've cracked a smile. He used to love when she rambled and bossed him around. He loved a lot of things about her.

"Meredith, do you know how dangerous that is? You just walked across an entire city alone, not to mention a city you aren't familiar with."

She shook her head. "Nick proposed to me."

Time halted in the worst way. He was paralyzed at that moment. He struggled to breathe and the feeling of bile simmered in his throat. "What?" He blurted. He practically spit it out. There was anger and callous laced in his tone. His worst nightmare became a reality.

"He did the one knee thing. We got back to his house after dinner and his living room was covered in rose petals. It was so corny. He had a big diamond ring and asked me to be his wife. It's funny, I blurted 'no' before he could finish. He didn't like that too much." Meredith chuckled bitterly. She climbed on top of his unmade bed and wrapped herself in a stray sheet.

"So what you said no and left?" Strangely Derek was burning for details.

"Well actually I said no three times after he begged me to say yes. When I tried to decline him the fourth time he got angry and said some unpleasant things. I got my crap and left, I'm too old to be dealing with that shit. His proposal made me realize how little he actually knows about me or how different we really are. I was walking here thinking about how uncomfortable the heels I was wearing were and then it hit me; I don't fucking wear heels. I like converse and sports bras and underwear that doesn't ride up my ass. I don't like rose petals and I don't like flashy diamond rings."

"I know," he responded simply.

"But that's not why I said no to him."

"No?"

Meredith shook her head slowly. Her hair swished and despite the smeared makeup she looked beautiful sitting at the end of his bed. She fiddled with her nails nervously. "I think I'm in love with you. I think I always have been and I thought leaving you would be easier but it hasn't been. All of those relationships you were talking about earlier, they failed because I could never commit. A small part of me hung on to you. And I couldn't accept a proposal when I love someone else."

It was all very romantic. The sort of romance people saw in movies. The type of romance people could only dream of having in real life. He wanted to pinch himself just in case he was dreaming. Meredith gazed at him in a way that was all too familiar. Her eyes were vibrantly green, he could sense the love seeping from her irises. She hadn't looked at him that way in forever. Or maybe she had and he'd been too much of an idiot to notice. To anyone else Meredith probably appeared disheveled and mussed but to Derek he couldn't remember a time she looked so perfect sitting across from him in her form fitting black dress barefoot and cross legged.

He meandered toward her. She moved to sit on her knees. He felt her skin heat beneath his fingertips when he held her cheeks against the worn skin of his palm. Derek didn't know the last time they'd been like this. Everything since the divorce was hazy on the memory. He'd be a filthy liar if he said there hadn't been slip ups between them, especially in the early days of their split. Sneaking off to on-call rooms and janitors closets to scratch an itch that would inevitably always be there. It was Meredith who put her foot down after a few months of sex and mockery.

Derek was hopelessly in love with this woman and would more than likely be in love with her for the rest of his life. "So you love me?" He humored her. A delicious grin smeared across his face like a cheshire cat.

"Don't let it go to your head, I could change my mind," she smirked.

"Bossy, bossy woman."

"You used to like that."

"I still do," and he leaned forward to kiss her, to do what he'd wanted to for the last six years of his life. Kissing her was like coming home after a long day at work. Holding her was like opening the oven on a brisk afternoon. Touching her was electrifying. She tasted of wine and he drank her down.

By dawn Meredith's dress was warming the floor rather than her body. The birds were barely beginning to chirp. She rested on her stomach but she was gazing at him. His hand slipped down her bare spine slowly as if he were taking the time to re-memorize every detail he felt against his fingertips. She yawned and rubbed her bleary eyes. He figured she was beyond exhaustion; between research in the lab, getting proposed to, and a languorous night of making love to her ex-husband, it shocked him he still had the pleasure of looking at her pretty green eyes.

Meredith reached to touch his jaw. Nimble fingers scratching the beginnings of morning stubble. He purred, satisfied while she scratched his skin with her nails. "Tired?" Derek asked when she yawned.

"I'm scared that if I fall asleep I'll wake up having made the entire thing up," she giggled.

"Do you want me to pinch you?" He humored her, his brows wiggling.

"You'd like that, wouldn't you?"

Derek leaned in close. "Oh yes," and he kissed her gently, softly, like he would do it for the rest of his life.

"Do you think it'll last this time? I mean we've done the breakup-makeup thing so many times it's almost become a big joke. I was sure the divorce was the final nail in the coffin but here we are," Meredith said reverently. To be completely truthful, Derek didn't know for certain if this would be what cemented them as a couple. Breaking up and getting back together was a part of their DNA at this point.

"I hope so," he sighed into their heat. Their fingers tangled together. "But if for some reason you decide this is too much or if you don't want this, I'll wait for you. I've realized from all the times we weren't together not waiting for you was the problem. Because I wasn't happy with Addison or Rose or any woman since the divorce. I love you, Mer. I will love you always."

Meredith's expression was unreadable. He still couldn't read all her thoughts. He loved that even sixteen years later there were still little mysteries about her. He liked the unpredictable when it came to Meredith Grey. He figured not many people would understand her or how she carried herself. It put things into perspective even more thinking about how wrong Nick's proposal was for her. He didn't actually know her. "I love you," she responded simply and he knew she meant it.

The sheets rustled. Meredith moved to straddle him. They shared a moan, Derek's fingers slipping down her thighs and Meredith's curled around his ribs. "Zola is gonna get a kick out of this," Meredith grinned as she rotated her hips.

Derek tilted his head back. "Do you really want to talk about the kids right now?" he joked.

Meredith had always been partial to chatting during intimate moments. He'd picked up over the years it was probably a space she felt the safest in, the most vulnerable. Communication was never a strong suit for her but he watched her flourish in the time he'd known her. And while he was doing nothing more than teasing her, he didn't mind talking to her, in fact he loved to talk to her.

"Multitasking," he felt her breath on his neck and her rosy lips on his pulse point, "something I'm clearly better at than you."

Derek stifled a groan. "How do you expect me to multitask with your hand on my- oh," his head was in shambles. Meredith was notorious for taking his life and turning it upside down and around until nothing made sense anymore. He couldn't form coherent thoughts when she was teasing him like that.

"There's a lot more than my hand down there you know,"

"Oh you know what I meant," he smirked and he sank into the mattress, letting his body jive to the rhythm of hers.

Meredith circled her hips until they were both seeing stars. Derek clawed at her hips and squeezed her skin until the rush bled away. He watched while she contracted and twitched and moaned his name until she was nothing more than a limp body resting boneless against him. She snuggled against his heat.

"Forever," she gasped.

"What?"

She sniffled. "Forever, this is forever. You and me."

He soon comprehended she was mimicking their post-it note. He still had the damn thing, tucked away in a drawer beneath some socks because he could never bring himself to throw it out. They'd have to rectify it once all was said and done. "Yes," he whispered. His hand cradled her skull and he attacked her hairline with kisses. "No running,"

"No running, ever."

"And we'll take care of each other even when we're old, smelly, and senile,"

Meredith giggled and it was like a melody against his ear. He adored her laugh, her smile. "Always," she whispered finally before the siren call of sleep became too much for her. He felt her slacken in his arms, listened as her breathing evened. Derek spent the sunrise with Meredith in his arms for the first time in a long time.