"J-Jowan?" I stuttered, confused. I was stumbling through another nightmarish dream, just waiting to wake up and find more templars holding me down and preparing to kill me. He was standing in the center of the aisles, looking up to the statue of Andraste like a lost, happy child.
"Isthalla?" he turned to me, his smile vanishing the moment he saw my face. I quickly tried to sniff back the tears and wipe my eyes with the back of my arm. He rushed forward, his arms out.
"What are you doing here?" he chuckled while attempting to gather me into his arms. It only made the tears worse, and forced me to pull away while still covering my eyes. His laughter died in an instant.
"W-What's wrong..?" he asked. I had no words to speak. The weight of the situation had finally settled into my chest, and it felt like I couldn't breathe. I stumbled over a breath, hearing my own voice catch in my throat.
I dropped my arm and tried to look up to focus on anything else but Jowan's face. His stupid, happy, wonderful face that I would probably never see again. My chin trembled.
"J-Jowan I-" I tried, but the words wouldn't finish themselves. I turned to look at the statue of Andraste and found her smiling face looking down upon me with disdain. She was mocking me, the cruel, heartless witch. I felt so inexplicably enraged by her indifference, by everyone's indifference. It erupted with a sudden, furious scream that broke and withered into a sob as I fell to my knees and beat tightened fists into the stone floor.
"Isthalla, please!" Jowan stumbled to my side and wrapped his arms over me, pulling me back to a sitting position before I could crack my knuckles against the stone again. They were bleeding.
"What's wrong?!" he begged. I could hear my own labored, heavy breathing as I inhaled through gritted teeth. Angry tears still clung to my eyes.
"Those bastards," I growled. "Those heartless, indifferent BASTARDS! Every DAMNED one of them!" I beat my fists once more into the stone floor, sinking down and curling into myself so I could hide. My shoulders shook in attempts to stop my tears, but they kept flowing despite my fury. I no longer cared if Jowan saw.
Jowan sat in silence and waited while I let my anger subside into the stone beneath. I shuddered on a final breath, letting the wave recede as easily as it had come, and finally broke to the surface where I could breathe again.
"I-I'm leaving, Jowan," I murmured after too-long a pause. I could see Jowan's hands tense in response and wait as the information sunk in.
"W-What, why? What do you mean?" he demanded as I slowly sat up, my eyes puffy and red from tears. I sniffled.
"Greagoir is sending me away," I recited in an empty voice. The numbness began to set in as I blocked it out, hoping if I ignored the pain long enough I might not have to feel it. My eyes were still blurring.
"What?!" Jowan erupted in anger as he stood to his feet and loomed over me. "Wha-Why-he can't DO that!" He stalked back and forth, similarly to the reaction I'd seen from Alden, before dropping down onto one knee.
"Tell me you're joking," he demanded. I shook my head, still blank, eyes still seared by red as I stared aimlessly at the moonlight streaming in from the upper rafters. Let Jowan be angry for me-I no longer had the strength for it.
Jowan fell to his knees and grabbed me by the shoulders, temporarily turning my bleary eyes to his constricted, wildly terrified face. "How?" he asked. I smiled a bitter and sickening grin.
"Duncan," I said simply. Now Jowan moved into the stage of grief, his own eyes screwing up with pain and fear.
"Greagoir will have me killed if I stay," I murmured emptily. I closed my eyes, focusing on the off-colored beat of my heart. My breathing felt shallow. "So he's having me recruited into the Grey Wardens as payment."
"That's suicide!" Jowan choked. I smiled and laughed.
"Exactly."
Jowan picked me up off the ground and held me by the shoulders, shaking me.
"I won't let him, Isthalla! I won't!" Though I admired the vindictiveness to his voice, I knew he was powerless against Greagoir. I offered him a sad, withering smile and shook my head. Tears filled my eyes again.
"Don't worry yourself about it," I said, resting a hand on his face and turning away to walk up the aisles. I heard a loud snarl of anger behind me followed by the sound of crashing objects-a bench being toppled over-as he raged up and down the walkway.
"No!" he argued with the faceless decision. I took a weary seat at the stone steps leading up to the podium, folding my hands needlessly over my lap as I watched Jowan thrash about the aisles in a grim state of understanding. There was nothing to be done but wait.
Jowan was busy huffing and thrashing and kicking at benches when he suddenly froze mid-step, hunkered over and heaving for breath, and stared hard at the floor. I watched his expression shift from anger to sudden, refreshing surprise as if something brilliant had overcome him. I sat forward with mild interest, my face working into a slightly confused but curious expression as I waited for him to process whatever new thoughts had become him.
He burst back into movement a second later, rushing back to me and falling on one knee at the steps. He grabbed me by the shoulders.
"Isthalla do you remember when I asked to talk to you about something the other day?" he asked, earnest. I blinked and slowly nodded in response before watching him jump to his feet and look wildly around in a circle for any nearby eavesdroppers-something he should have looked for before he went off into a bout of lunacy moments ago-before falling back to his knees and grabbing me again. I blinked.
"Do you not understand?" he said, smiling through tears. I shook my head numbly, not sure where he was going with this conversation by any means, and began to pull my arms away.
"I can fix this, Isthalla! I don't know why I didn't think of it sooner-" he shook his head and looked at the steps, still breathing quickly. I frowned.
"What do you mean?" I finally asked, finding the proper words to speak once more. Jowan stared hard at me, his face worked into a desperate confusion, before falling into a softer, more fond expression I'd rarely seen.
"There's someone I need you to meet," he said. "A girl."
Suddenly I was very confused.
"Jowan, listen I don't think I have time for this-"
"Trust me, Isthalla. You must," he begged with wide, hopeful eyes. I paused for a moment to sigh my frustrations, then looked up at him again and nodded. I could at least humor him before I left.
He didn't need another invitation. Dragging me to my feet, he grabbed my hand in his and jogged to the north end of the sanctuary before spinning me around and setting me by an altar. I felt more confused than ever, tensing up as I looked around and felt a peculiar sense of recognition from the spot, then turned back to Jowan.
"What's this ab-" I started, but Jowan put a finger to my lips.
"J-Just-wait here. I'll be right back, I promise." I creased my brow, demanding answers, but found his desperate expression too much to combat. I sunk back into my chair with an aggravated, weary sigh.
"Just hurry." I muttered. Jowan smiled.
"I promise," he said before planting a kiss on my cheek and scampering off into the hallway.
Once he was out of sight I turned to look at the altar again, watching the small candle flickering on display. I frowned and crossed my arms, hunkering down into my seat by the wall before roving curious eyes over the opposite wall. A few bookcases loomed over the dark sanctuary, their shadows cast against the stone floors. I felt a prickling sensation take hold of me again as I slowly turned back to the altar, and imagined a templar crouched at the stairs.
Of course.
A bitter, almost-chuckle nearly escaped my mouth as I recognized the meeting grounds upon which I'd acquainted myself with the man. I crossed my arms and let a small smile flicker across my face as I recalled the event, remembering how nervous and frightened he had been, silly thing. He was such a skittish, sheepish man.
He still is..
The thoughts felt distasteful floundering about in my mind-he had betrayed me. He did not deserve my sympathy, and should have not in the first place. Yet I could not escape the memory of that first night, and many meetings since.. I heard the precious, single remnant memory of his laughter. It was one of the more pleasant, comforting sounds I'd heard in my life. I felt warmed by it.
He has always been kind to you..
I couldn't say the same for the other templars… any other templar, actually. My face was slowly contorting into a more sullen, confused look the longer I stared at the altar. The thought I wouldn't see him ever again-and after the last incident-sent a sickness into my stomach I could not make leave. I was overwhelmed with the sudden, impulsing desire to tell him sorry; to run and find him in the tower, and beg his forgiveness before they dragged me away.
I was halfway between weighing the risk of sneaking into the templar's dormitory when Jowan somehow materialized back in front of me.
"Oh," I felt myself blurt out halfway to my feet. Jowan had someone standing behind him, shifting my attention from Cullen and instead to a suddenly unwanted intruder standing in front of me.
"Isthalla, I wanted you to meet someone," Jowan began uncertainly. He held out a hand in presentation as she stepped forward and into the candlelight, smiling. She was wearing chantry robes.
"This is Lily."
"Remind me, again," I hissed between clenched teeth, "how, in Maker's name, you convinced me to do this?" Jowan was crouched beside me, panting and wild-eyed with a blissful smile on his lips as he rubbed blood splatter off his cheek.
"Because we are far better company than some batty old Grey Warden?" he offered, grinning. I frowned, irritated, and shoved him aside while hobbling forward in a crouch, hand raised in preparation to strike.
"Right," I grumbled, wiping the sweat and dirt out of my eyes. Damned templars-rigged the entire basement with traps and dungeons every ten feet. What was this, training practice? I felt insulted.
After peering around the corner to ensure the coast was clear, I raised unsteadily to my feet and gestured for Jowan and Lily to follow. Jowan pressed up behind me, breathing obnoxiously into my ear. I flinched and waved him off before slipping around the corner.
"Watch out!" Lily shrieked as another ghost materialized at the end of the hallway. In an instant my hand was raised out, shooting a crushing hex into his ghostly little bones and sending him into a painful seizure on the floor.
"Irving should know better," I commented ruefully while stepping over the shrieking corpse and continuing down the hallway. Jowan glanced over his shoulder while walking past.
"Isthalla you never told me you could do that!" he complained, indignant. I glanced over my shoulder at him, slightly surprised, and turned back to the front.
"Jealous?" I asked. Jowan snorted.
"Hardly."
"Right, I believe you." I snorted. Jowan was opening his mouth to argue when Lily nearly jumped over us both in excitement while pointing to a door.
"There it is! There!" she piped up. I shook off the weight of her hand and stepped forward.
"Good. We can finally get out of this damned place. I'm getting tired of target practice," I commented while stepping up to the door.
"Wait-!" Lily yelped before my hands could wrap around the handle. I grimaced in anticipation of yet another torturesome obstacle we would have to overcome and, sighing, turned on my heel to face her.
"What is it this time, pray tell, sister?" I remarked irritably.
"Hey," Jowan cut in, bristling. "Leave her alone. She's just trying to help." I rolled my eyes.
"I agreed to go with you, Jowan. I don't have to like the fact you decided to lay with a lay sister."
"Oh, haha, very clever, Isthalla-" he snapped. "Lily, you'll have to get used to her. She's a bit of a-" he stopped, looking to me for what I deemed the appropriate response that wouldn't have him killed. I rolled my eyes.
"Cold-hearted bitch suit you, yes? I'm rather fond of that one now," I remarked before turning around and walking towards a nearby dungeon cell. The rusty bars were a bit of work to get open again, but once the hinge loosened I was able to slip my fingers in enough to yank the door open. Jowan and Lily followed behind me, chatting amongst themselves.
"-Really she's very sweet, Lily-" he continued explaining. I shook my head while yanking open the rusty door another foot. "-Just not very refined in mannerism. Not a big chantry fan, either."
"I'm quite all right with different beliefs. I myself don't believe everything the Chantry teaches us, just some." I wanted to scoff. I couldn't believe this is who Jowan had decided to buckle himself down to; of all the women in the bloody tower, an Andrastian for Maker's sake!
"A little help would be greatly appreciated!" I snapped while trying to un-wedge the last foot of the door. Jowan perked and leapt forward to help, wrapping his hands above mine and jerking the door open the last foot. I nearly stumbled forward.
"Thanks," I said flatly while straightening back up and brushing the hair out of my eyes.
"You're welcome!" Jowan replied with a bright, happy smile. I rolled my eyes and stepped into the cell.
"What is that for?" Lily piped up when I began dragging a large, rusted metal spoke towards the door at the end of the chamber. I grunted, shifting the metal hub long enough to stand up and turned to her.
"For the door." Was she stupid, as well?
"But that door is sealed magically; we cannot get through." Jowan stood beside her, watching me also as I dragged the heavy spoke towards the door. I panted for breath, wondering if maybe I could convince Jowan to just make her go sit and wait by the entrance, and turned back to the door.
"You Andrastians give up too quickly when there is no other explanation," I commented while angling the spoke a good foot from the door. I braced myself, spreading my feet apart and planting them firmly to the ground, then with a loud grunt lifted the spoke up with both hands, reared back a few inches, and hurled it as hard as I could at the wooden door.
It hit the direct center of the door with a satisfying, loud crack and crashed back to the floor. The sharp noise of metal hitting stone rang in my ears for a few seconds afterward, and caused me to wince. I turned back to a rather stunned Lily, smirking.
"Care to help me?"
Jowan was able to throw the heavy hunk of rusted metal easier than I could. A few more tries and we cracked the door enough to break the magic barrier, eliminating it completely. One more good, solid kick to the center and the hinges broke off the frame, crashing into a great, splintered mound on the inside of the room. I stepped over the rubble and into the freezing cold storage room with chattering teeth.
"The phylacteries-" Jowan breathed while surveying the frosted shelves that lined all the way to the ceilings. It truly was a surreal sight, though I knew regretfully mine had already been removed. I turned to Jowan.
"Are you ready?" I asked, honest. I could see the tension and brimming rebellion in his eyes as he stepped forward and tightened his jaw.
"Yes." He looked at me.
"Let's get this over with."