The city was quiet at night. Without the shuffle of my templar armor, it grew to a deadly stillness. I shrugged off the invisible weight I was so accustomed to, and felt the freedom of my shoulders under a light brown tunic instead. My envy of lesser men's comforts was quickly forgotten, however, as I approached the looming gates of the Alienage. Two guards stationed outside jumped to life as they straightened to face me and aim their spears at my throat. I fell an inch from their blunted tips, hardly managing an irritable snort before pushing one aside with my finger. I raised my sword.
"I am Knight-Commander Greagoir from the Circle of Magi. Let me pass," I commanded the two inexperienced youths. Both guards recoiled in confusion while attempting to shape my face out in the darkness, and took a step closer.
"I'm sorry ser," one corrected himself, "we are only allowed to let pass those on official business in the Alienage at this hour." He nodded toward the gates and added, "S'dangerous at night.." as an afterthought. I felt a twinge of impatience catch at my throat as I sheathed my sword again and heaved a sigh.
"Then by order of the Chantry, I demand you open this gate for the threat of an abomination and wanted maleficar being held within your walls," I snapped. A new breed of terror streaked across both of the men's faces as they turned and looked at me.
"An a-abomination?" one choked out, disbelieving. My gaze narrowed.
"If you refuse my order, I will assume you are attempting to assist her, so if you are quite done I should like to return to my duties. Open the gate," I demanded with a low, steady voice.
Neither guard argued, and seconds later were rushing to raise the iron gates high enough to allow me to pass. I stepped into the chill of night crowding the empty bridge, and offered one last withering look to the startled guards before continuing my journey across the stone archway and into the confines of the elven district of Denerim.
I had never opted reason or purpose to step upon this threshold. I was told stories of a dark and filthy place, full of the stains of society-a great division of the races by means of a dirty hog pen. The air felt stagnant and thickened by a long-festered animal left to rot on the street, and it was just as well I nearly tripped over a dead dog on the way in. I had to force himself not to think of the overwhelming stink lest I dry heave.
The entire Alienage itself was a great pen, with walls bordering all sides to herd its livestock into cages. The sensation was a familiar one, and a bitter, sobering reminder of why she must've chosen such a place.
Just can't get away from it, can you?
I felt a creeping need to brush an invisible filth off of my skin the further I made my way through the tightly enclosed dirt streets of the Alienage. Faint sobs and low, guttural groans faded in the distance, almost as if ghosts haunted the streets of this miserable place, echoing their despair and pain to their fellow kin. The sounds themselves were eerie, and forcibly reminded me to tighten my cloak around my shoulders as I ducked low into the camouflaged darkness of a narrow alley and continued.
I passed a beggar huddled between two hut-like buildings with only a ragged blanket wrapped around bony, bare shoulders for warmth. His gaze was empty and gray-full of an unsettling pain and blissful ignorance I could relate to a many lost templar from the addicting power of lyrium. This old man was no templar, but a blind, old elf on his last leg. I could not even will himself to feel sorry for the creature; prolonging his agony with a piece of bread or coin seemed crueler than letting him die. Confusion began to stir in my heart as I rushed past the man who began to quietly cry, and I wondered, darkly, how someone could willingly do this to another.
This is no time to dawdle..
I had to force the issues to the back of my mind or I would lose my head completely. I had come here for one reason, and one reason only. The issue of the Alienage itself was a battle I had not the heart or mind to fight, and Maker forgive me I could care less right now. Someone else would have to take up that banner.
I tugged the hood of my cloak tighter around my face out of habit as I became increasingly aware of the blank, hungry stares of night-dwelling residents peering at me from the shadows of alleyways and abandoned buildings. They looked like starved, stray dogs, with their bony knuckles and glistening eyes the only thing visible against dull firelight of some odd corners of alleyways where packs of them huddled together in the darkness. It unsettled me, and made my skin crawl the more their eyes followed my hooded figure, knowing me, piercing me with invasive stares.
With only my tunic and cloak for protection, I felt the chill of wind biting at my skin. It had been such a long while since I'd stepped out into the fresh air, too afraid to leave the confines of the Tower for more than one reason. Out here, everything was far too abrasive and excessive. The noise and smells and startling clarity of the outside world made me feel entirely closed in. It took a lot of willpower to resist the urge to cringe at each new blast of wind or crackle of a fireplace as I passed. Every sound heightened in my ears, forcing me on a knife's edge paranoia as I jumped at the sound of a distant shout and ducked into an alleyway. Maker's blood, how could anyone stand this noise on a day-to-day basis?
Part of me hoped, even prayed to Andraste that she wasn't here. Maker, anywhere but this forsaken, disgusting place. The mortal side of me couldn't bear the thought of imagining the woman I knew to be Kaidasa in such a hollow, broken hell as this. The other part wished for her death, prayed by some unspeakable hope that I would find her corpse instead so that I would not have to face her. My steely conviction was now wavering on a paper-thin surface that reminded me of my human fear and uncertainty the closer I stepped to death, and ultimately to her. I questioned my ability to face the woman I hunted, the woman I hated, and the woman I had loved with every part of my soul. My mercy had been my greatest mistake, and nothing but the seal of her death would be able to relinquish such a sin.
The question was… could I strike her down when the moment came?
I felt sick just thinking about it, and shook my head in attempts to clear my thoughts. I had to do this, for the Maker and for my former Commander. No amount of sweet poison from her lips would sway me; the woman I hunted was no longer Kaidasa. She was an abomination, and I would see that in the end. I had to.
Greagoir…
Her voice, faint but familiar, echoed in my ears. A well-remembered, quiet whisper I had long forgotten after six years or silence. I had gone mad.
Greagoir… she whispered again somewhere to my left. My chest jumped and heart thrashed as I jolted from the sound, entirely caught off guard, and swung around to search for the source of the whisper. Blackness spread in every direction around me as far as I could see, only disrupted by the muddy outlines of shadowed buildings and debris scattered on the street way. Panic rose in my chest as I turned in a full circle, scouring madly through the darkness for movement, anything, to tell me I was not losing my mind.
"Where are you!?" I shouted, desperate to rid himself of my terror, needing to physically see her, touch her, know I hadn't finally plummeted off the edge of sanity. I heard her laughter ring sweetly in the distance, still unable to determine the source. I stumbled blindly into a narrow alleyway as the voice grew louder, bolder, and began to taunt me.
I'm here… here, love..
"Where!?" I shouted again, my fear turning into desperation as I stumbled and clawed my way through a dark, abandoned building. Her voice was fading, leaving me again. I had to hold onto it, had to see her, find her before I lost her again.
"Damn it where are you?!" I didn't care who heard, didn't care if I attracted any unwanted company for my shouting. I would cut down any blasted fool that dared step in my way now, not when I was so close, a breath away from being able to see her again.
My ragged gasps of breath nearly turned into sobs as I stumbled into an empty courtyard walled in on all sides by abandoned houses. At the center of the lawn I came to a dead halt and stared up at the sky where a weak, sliver of a moon cut through the black clouds for a brief second, then disappeared again behind shadows. I panted for breath, my head ringing. She was here, she had to be.
I thrust around in a wide, violent arc, trying to find reason in the shadows, make out a figure in the darkness. When I found none, I let out a gritted yell of frustration and began to stalk about the courtyard, my sword in hand. She wanted me here, she wanted me lost and I knew it. Like a fool I followed, and now I was walled in on all sides like a caged dog waiting for an invisible foe to appear. Frustration began to itch at my fingertips, begging me to just stick my sword in anything, anyone in the shadows.
"I know you are here, so come find me," I snarled under my breath through gritted teeth while coming to a standstill near a rotted staircase of an empty building. I had heard her, the secretive witch, I knew I had! She was here, she had to be.
"I know you hear me, Kaidasa…" I murmured to himself while scanning the open courtyard again. The longer I stood in the silence talking to himself, the more foolish I felt. She would destroy me, through silence and absence alone this woman would be the undoing of me. I could not fight the enemy of absence, not with a thousand swords or shouts. Frustrated, desperate tears pricked at my eyes as I tightened the grip on my sword and fell to my knees.
"Please, hear me…" I begged to the invisible plague of my conscious. "I have searched for you.. for six years. Six years, wondering if you are alive or dead." my voice began to tremble as I felt himself unraveling, slipping away from the ground and unable to steady himself. I shuddered on my breath.
"Andraste help me, take this festering wound from me, please…" I whispered into my hands, "take away my sympathy. Let me be rid of you, for Maker's sake I can't do this anymore.."
As I raised my red, damp eyes to the dark sky, I felt the last strands of my hope draining, bleached out by a midnight sun. My heart had not the strength nor burden to carry this anymore; let her be dead, just let me know. It's all I could manage to beg for, all I could hope for in that moment of pure abandon and loss.
Just as if awoken from a dream and into another familiar nightmare, my eyes fell back on the open courtyard to find a figure standing at the center, cloaked in red. I dare not let a breath escape my body as I stared, and studied the figure with mistrusting, shocked eyes. My heart stopped at the sight of a pale-white, feminine hand raised into the brief moonlight to beckon me. The split-second light swept across her figure, and for a moment a drape of long, black hair cushioned the glint of a familiar silver symbol of Andraste around the woman's neck.
A dozen cold stones plummeted into my chest and fell deep down into the pit of my stomach, unable to take in the sight, and unable to process or believe any of it for the precious seconds she stood in the moonlight. Before my shock could subside long enough to help my numb limbs into action, she turned and dispersed into the darkness as easily as a ghost. My heart pounded in my throat as I scrambled to my feet and broke into a run after her.
"W-WAIT!" I screamed, reaching out a hand after the emptiness where she had stood previously. A flash in the shadows turned my attention to another empty building where I saw the fringes of a red cloak disappear, and like a blind, lost puppy I propelled after her, sheathing my sword as I ducked into the shadowed building.
My ragged breath pounded in my ears along with my thrashing heart. This was another dream, another of thousands of torture-some nightmares I'd been forced to relive for six years. Surely, no this couldn't possibly be true; this couldn't be her, would never-
My thoughts halted as I came to a dead stop outside of a doorway, not sure what caused the abrupt change but unable to continue running. I stared, confused, and stole a glance back down the hallway before turning my attention to the aged, rickety doorway. It creaked and slowly fell open, causing me to jump back in my fright and draw my sword. The door inched its way until it lay wide open to me, inviting me in and daring me to step forth.
My slurred senses began to clear as I took another frightful step back, feeling the sensation of danger chilling my skin. My grip tightened around the hilt of my sword as I breathed in a final, slow, and steady breath then stepped into the pitch blackness of the room. The wooden floors groaned beneath me with age as I stepped in, trying to see through the solid wall of darkness and unable to adjust quickly enough. I felt a whip of breeze behind me as the door slammed shut and clicked in what sounded like a lock. Panic shot through my chest.
Seconds later a bloom of light materialized from the far end of the room and washed over the darkness to reveal the shadows beneath it. I strained my eyes against the harsh and abrupt change, blinking away the astonishment as I turned slow, startled eyes to the figure standing across the room. My breath hitched in my throat as I took a stumbling step backward and felt my back hit the door. I couldn't breathe.
She was… there. Standing right in front of me.
"K-Kaidasa..?" I breathed, but the moment the fragile words uttered from my lips my mind rejected it. This woman was a phantom, a plague haunting my dreams, a nightmare from a long-forgotten realm of my past I dare not remember. This was impossible. She wasn't real… she was. Here.
"No need to corner me, I don't intend to leave," she sighed. Her voice was dry and weary beyond its age, yet still held a familiar kindness to it that pierced through my chest. I sunk down against the doorway, just barely managing to blindly feel for a nearby crate before dropping myself down onto it and, setting my sword against the table, clutched my face in my hands and shuddered.
"You're here…" I whispered into my hands, still feeling that instantaneous twinge of rejection from my mind as I heard myself say the words. "Six years, and you've been here all this time…" I murmured, my voice wavering to a nearly-shaken sob. She stayed anchored to her spot across the room, and from between the confines of my hands I saw her shadow move across the other corner of the room.
I tried desperately to pull myself together, but the moment I managed to string my conscious mind back into a state of sanity, it all came crashing back down with every little sound she made, every movement I caught out of the corner of my eye, and each agonizing word spoken as if six years had not passed. Was this a trick?
"I am sorry.." she began, then stopped herself short when nothing else formed to finish the sentence. I blinked reddened eyes up as a sharp pang clutched my chest when I met her face. She was as physical and real as the day I met her, standing across the room from me with a world-weary sadness on her face. It was all too much to take in, and I nearly put my head between my knees to stop myself from vomiting. I felt weak and sick, unable to do much other than try and steady myself on the crate while clutching my head.
"H-How…" I tried, but the words broke off into another dry, withering sob. I couldn't even bear to look at her, the sight was a pain to my eyes, stabbing knives into my chest and crushing me under the weight of a hundred stones. Her form was painful to me, and suddenly I wanted nothing more than to be away from her, out of this cramped room and as far away as possible. I shrank and recoiled at every small movement she made, terrified she might make a step closer and break the last threads of my soul in half with a simple touch of her hand. It was too much.
"Would you like some water?" she offered, holding out a jug. I could only shake my head and weakly wave her away, unable to look up. Unable to glance at her again. She faltered and fell back on her heel before setting the jug down.
"I suppose… there's no room for casualties now," she said quietly. The turmoil within my mind began to slowly, achingly ebb its way down from the emotional high until I didn't feel like I was toppling off an endless abyss and could think clearly. I felt the impulsive, pressuring need to look at her, and to make sure I wasn't dreaming - if I looked up again, it would mean she was real. This was not a nightmare. I had truly found her. Kaidasa.
"Here… all this time," I repeated. I didn't know if it was a question or an answer. I saw her shape moving out of the corner of my eye, but still couldn't will the courage to look, though I desperately wanted to. She was pulling a blanket over something. My attention rapidly shifted as I watched the bulk beneath the blanket stir, then grow still. My stomach turned over.
"Y-Your.." I stuttered, but couldn't form the words to say it. Again, instinctive rejection slammed in my mind, but then I saw a small hand emerge from under the blanket. Shock overwhelmed me, swallowed me up until I couldn't breath.
"..My daughter," she finished in an empty whisper. Betrayal slammed into me like a brick wall. Her daughter. The very word horrified me, poisoned me with sudden anger and jealousy that I knew had no rightful place in my heart. I worked my expression into a disgusted snarl, then gave up entirely when it all became too much to handle. I did not have the strength to fight this battle, if it was one at all. I could not stand up.
"You must know who her father is," she cut into my thoughts like a knife, searing back open the wound she had only just inflicted. I burst from my seat in a fit of anger and kicked the crate against the wall, sending it crashing against the doorway with a crack of splintered wood. Kaidasa jumped.
"No, I don't!" I shouted before jerking myself back around to lean against the doorway and bury my face into my arm, trying to breath, trying to calm himself before I lost control. Anger and confusion boiled up inside of me, ready to burst from my chest. I gritted my teeth and breathed out in loud, trembling shudders, listening to the pounding of my heart to keep in control. I didn't understand..
"Please," she begged, sending my mind into further turmoil. She was drawing closer, her scent closer. No, she wasn't real. She couldn't be, not like this, not here… this was worse than any nightmare because it was reality. I couldn't face it. Not after this.
"Greagoir, please," she whispered again. Her voice was weak and helpless, banking on the sincerity she knew of me too well. I squeezed my eyes shut to block her out, and rid himself of the emotions already churning to the surface again. I felt her hand on my bare arm, and in my panic I jolted and flung her away as if scalded. Wild, accusing eyes locked on her as I stumbled into a corner of the room and plastered myself against the wall, absolutely petrified. The moment I caught my fatal error, I knew it was already too late. My eyes were locked on her, unable to look away as I took in the sight of the woman I once loved for the first time in six years.
Her skin, which had once been a glowing white of the moon, was now a scarred and ashen gray. Her body was frail and weak, and marred by dirt, scars, and other obscenities that did not belong. The once flowing gowns she had embellished at the tower were gone, replaced by rags that hung off her body in shapeless, lumpy masses. My eyes traveled over her, greedy and horrified by the sight as I matched this frail, broken woman to the image I once knew. She had decayed, and with her torn soul she reflected exactly what I had imagined in my most colorful nightmares, that of a creature bound to the ashen corpse of a once beautiful woman. The sight of her shot stricken grief into my heart, too ashamed to stare too long at what was left of my Kaidasa.
Maker… what have I done to you?
As I leveled my pained gaze to her face, I was met by a pair of cold, empty eyes long filmed over by her suffering. They were sightless eyes, stained with foreign tears that suddenly didn't make sense. This creature before me, this obscenity… it had destroyed what was left of my Kaidasa long ago. The remaining shards were simple fragments of a mimicked soul, and nothing more. What stood before me, with agonizing features and marred, heartless eyes was not Kaidasa. I fought wildly against the guilt and torment clawing at my heart at this sight, this unforgivable wretchedness meant to taunt me and show me the destruction I'd left the love of my life to.
"Mahiel is her father," she finished in an empty voice. The tears on her face did not match the blank stare of her eyes, yet I could hardly bear to watch as she fell apart right in front of me. I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to will the words away, but they burned into my memory with an iron rod, forever etched there to taunt me with my mistakes. My failures.
"Mahiel…" I echoed, though the name was a vile in my throat. A snarl pulled at my lips as I rubbed the bridge of my nose between my fingers and tried to breath. "H-How?" I forced the question past my lips, a dead weight on my ears, though I didn't want to know. I opened my eyes again to find the same grief in her eyes, and decidedly turned my confused gaze to the sleeping bundle across the room. A head of dark hair peeked out from under the surface, and I fleetingly wondered for a split second if she had her mother's blue eyes as well.
"The eve before my Harrowing," Kaidasa finished after a pause. Another knife to my heart, a stab of guilt to my core. The same night I'd risked my reputation and life to sneak into the basement and destroy her phylactery.. what a fool I'd been. If I had been there, if I hadn't left, she wouldn't have-
I tensed my expression to keep her from seeing the pain violently thrust to the surface. The room was beginning to blur.
"He appeared in my chambers as a shadow and-"
"Please, stop.." I begged while holding up one weak hand. My eyes traveled to hers. "No more," I murmured. My voice came out in a brittle, hoarse whisper, and reflected deeply into the weary lines of my face, now marred by the world's grief after so many years. My hair was gray, and face scarred by lines too aged for me. I frowned and dropped my hand back down, weary.
"What is her name?" I mustered after letting the disbelief subside.
"Isthalla," she breathed as I turned to look at the small, helpless bundle wrapped up on the cot. A touch of life came back to Kaidasa's voice as she spoke the name, warmed by her affection for her child, and for a moment I could almost forget what had happened, and forget that a demon still had control of her soul. For a moment, I wanted to imagine taking her and her daughter and leaving the Alienage, to become a the young boy again wanting to whisk her away into the countryside and live together without jurisdiction.
The weight of reality fell heavily upon my shoulders, however, as I turned to look into the dead eyes of a long-tortured woman in pain. I could not let this cruelty go on, not a second longer. I glanced at the small girl on the cot, and frowned, considering how to make such a difficult decision over a simple child. I swallowed the grief back down in my chest as I looked to Kaidasa.
"Kaidasa, I cannot let her live-" I started, but jumped when she abruptly stepped between me and her daughter and spread her arms wide, a snarl on her lips.
"Do what you must, but you will not touch my child," she bristled. I stepped back in slight alarm as I considered the terrible, protective anger across her face. She was suddenly too much like herself again, willing to sacrifice everything yet protect the innocent with every breath left in her body. A pang of guilt shot through my chest.
"P-Please," she whispered through brimming tears, "not her, Greagoir."
I stared into the eyes of not a monster, but a wounded mother begging for mercy. My heart dropped, and after a long pause, I breathed out a quiet, "Okay.." and stepped back.
"Kaidasa," I tried after a pause while looking about the shack. The idea of leaving a motherless child, and a daughter no less, in this place seemed…ruthless. The image of the almost creature-like elves huddling in the darkness outside was enough to send me into a shudder. I did not wish that type of pain upon a child, and did not see a safe ending for such an innocent, helpless thing. I frowned and let out a weary sigh, shaking my head. "I can't… leave her to this. To leave her, defenseless, in this wretched place is a fate crueler than death," I tried in earnest, wanting for her see my side of logic.
Kaidasa, however, bristled up as fiercely as a wild dog and bared a snarl at me, again asserting her authority over the situation. "No, you will not take her from me, Greagoir. Not her; she is innocent, and she will live." She shook with the emotions of her words, tears stinging her eyes.
The vindictiveness in her voice was almost too hard to hear. I did not have the heart to tell her what usually happened to mage-born children, much less those from the Alienage. I stepped across the room to the doorway to retrieve my sword, quietly sheathing it before turning back around to face her. My face knitted together, frantic and worried.
"Is there no chance to let me try and help you, Kaidasa?" I asked, grasping for the last threads of infinitesimal hope slipping through my fingers. I needed a reason, just a word to give me meaning to help her, to try and reverse what had been done. I was scrambling for a way, any way, that could undo this scar and have her back again. I wanted to hold onto that hope she was still there somewhere under the confines of that wretched corpse of a body. A flickering, pained smile flashed across her face through tears as she stepped forward and placed a cold kiss on my cheek.
"No my templar, there is not," she said kindly, resumed to her fate. A chain locked on my heart as I fell, feeling my soul shatter against the darkness before the last pieces of her warmth shed away with slipping fingertips brushing against my jaw. She moved around me and, opening the door, stepped out into the darkness of the hallway and disappeared.
I stood in a submerged moment of shock as the wave of grief and realization hit me. Hope was no longer in her possession. She already knew her fate, and Maker forgive me... she had probably resigned herself to it many, many years ago when the last bits of her humanity died along with what had made her Kaidasa. I was killing her corpse. An abrupt sob strangled my throat as a burst of anger manifested, erupting from my arm as I reeled it back and, letting out a yell of frustration, cracked my fist into the wall. I left it there, sinking against it as a shuddering breath passed my lips.
I stood and turned to look once more at the sleeping girl, so innocently curled on the cot. I lingered on that picture and then, closing my eyes to breath in control once more, turned and followed her mother out into the courtyard and drew my sword.
"No more ruses, demon. Speak to me, I wish to see your face, not this masquerade," I bellowed across the gray lawn to where Kaidasa stood. Just as I heard the last words of my command echo through the still air, the woman before me melted away like water to reveal the true identity of the creature that had destroyed my Kaidasa.
"You are an honorable man, templar," she spoke. "Though you have a soft heart. Not many can say that." I raised my blade.
"You are the one who tore her apart, you monster," I spat. The demon tipped its head back with a laugh.
"Do you wish to know the difference between possessing a soul and devouring half of it?" she mocked, shifting between Kaidasa's voice and her own, taunting me. The anger swelled in my chest as my hands shook, trying to keep a steady hold on my sword.
"I become a part of that soul, so half of it is mine," the creature replied. "So no matter what you tell yourself, you are still killing her in cold blood, sweet templar." My eyes were beginning to blur again, shifting her figure out of my line of vision. I tried to shake my head clear and blink the tears away.
"Did you love her?" she taunted in a mocking, sweet voice. Another unearthly laugh, and I began to shudder for breath between gritted teeth.
"There's no way to save her," she said, seamlessly shifting back into the form I knew so painfully well. Her eyes remained aglow with the unnatural gaze of the demon, staring me down across the courtyard.
"Kaidasa," I pleaded, dropping my sword at my side and reaching out my hand. "N-No please, I can help you. There is a way!" I choked out, the tears stinging my eyes. Kaidasa's gaze remained empty and void of sympathy as she raised her hand.
"I am sorry, Greagoir," she said before releasing a wave of fire from the end of her hand.
Blood. Breath. I felt it soaking my chest, dripping down my forehead. Her blood. I was soaked in crimson. The souring, metallic scent of it made me sick.
I jerked back out of my daze to find my stained weapon limp in one hand and a black sky above me. A pool of blood had collected beneath the blade where the tip rested against the ground, and in front of me kneeled the woman I had once loved.
Her breath was ragged and labored; I knew she wouldn't hold out much longer, with or without the courtesy of a final cut from my blade. I stepped forward and fell on one knee in front of her. She had her head bent low, and a wall of hair prevented me from seeing her face.
"You have… gotten better," she struggled to say through wheezing, blood-drowned gasps for air. I furrowed my brow and tried to focus. A dry sob wracked my chest, then quieted when I reached out a shaking hand to catch her swaying body.
"Let us not talk of templar training today," I murmured to her. The emotions strung raw in my throat and words fell short with another gasp for breath. A shaking choke followed, and my eyes blurred with the start of tears. I did not stop them this time, and watched as they fell upon her face. Through her blood-matted hair and stained face, she looked up at me - cradled in my arms like a child - and offered a grin.
"Shall I read you another verse?" she asked me, barely able to muster the words from her torn throat. Blood poured from her lips, and her smile faded into a pained cough as she shuddered and curled up against me. "I feel cold…" she said. I heard the fear in her voice, and began to struggle to keep myself from weeping.
"I will keep you warm," I told her, then wrapped my arms around her body and kissed her forehead. She smiled, though weak, and looked up at me with blue eyes as stormy as the sea.
"In her Mercy," Kaidasa recited, "ask and they shall receive everlasting peace…" She wheezed and shook terribly as she fought to make out the words in her throat. Tears ran down her face as steadily as her blood. I struggled to keep my face, and pulled her closer. "E-Everlasting p-p…"
"In my sanctuary," I finished before pressing my forehead to her own and breaking into a sob. She looked at me through the glassy blue of her eyes, full of guilt and sorrow, then faded from me forever.
A great, shuddering wail erupted from my throat as I grabbed Kaidasa and hugged her limp body. A cold, horrible hate descended upon my heart then as I clutched her broken body in my arms, and for the first and last time I pressed my lips to her own and told Kaidasa that I loved her. A crackle of thunder erupted overhead and announced the start of a heavy rain, and underneath the blanket of the storm I held her close.
"Forgive me, Kaidasa," I trembled into her hair before cradling her limp body over my lap as I had the first night I met her, and wept for her passing.
Please, forgive me.