Behind the Scenes - 2
A/N: Again, I don't own any of the characters, but I love them nonetheless. This takes place immediately after the last chapter. Enjoy!
Trinity woke up suddenly, covered in sweat, heart pounding in her chest. She felt frantic, panicked, and worst of all, very alone. The blankets were strewn around her body, twisted and half-kicked off the bed. Gulping down air and trying to steady her shaking body, she remembered she had had a similar nightmare the day before, too; not quite the same dream but the same key players. She closed her eyes and immediately wished she hadn't - she could see their empty eyes staring back at her. She shuddered.
The last few days had been stressful to say the very least, and she had been so busy and intent on not thinking about them, that she had done an okay job of keeping a level head during her shifts. She needed to - people were depending on her, and the ship needed to get fixed. There wasn't time for grieving right now. But in her subconscious, though… that was something else entirely. She had no control there.
This dream had started out alright. Her and her crewmates were sitting around the table, drinking Dozer's latest batch. They were laughing and joking and everything was alright. But then, one by one, each one suddenly stopped laughing, looked Trinity directly in the eye, and asked, "How did you not see this coming?" before they dropped to the floor, lifeless. Trinity rushed to each one as they fell, trying CPR, before the next one would say the same line and slump to the ground themselves. The next thing she knew, Cypher had her by the throat, shoving her against the wall. She couldn't breathe. He laughed, and pushed himself against her, all while caressing her face with his free hand. But his strength was almost super-human. In the real world, she could have taken him down, but here… here, he had all the control. She struggled and cried against his hold, but he simply whispered in her ear, "you could have stopped this. You should have known," before kissing her square on the mouth. Suddenly her throat began to burn, and the terror of the chaos around her was too much. She was desperate to get to them, try CPR again, and do anything she could to wake them up. But she was held tight; powerless. And then she woke up. Even though her heart had begun to slow back down after a couple of minutes of deep breathing, she just couldn't shake the look of their lifeless eyes, boring into hers, one by one asking her why she didn't save them.
They had been her closest friends for years (though how would one define a "friend?" It's not like she ever opened up to anyone that way) and yet Trinity knew she had built her wall up for this very reason. They are not the first to die, especially in search of the One. They knew the risks, and yet she couldn't fight the sadness that accompanied their absence. Slowly, she took deep breaths, uncoiled herself from her blankets, wrapped a small quilt around her shoulders, and decided to pay them a visit. Maybe then could she make peace with what happened and try to let them go. Worrying about her status with Neo, she realized now, had been enough of a stressor that it kept these feelings temporarily at bay. Now that she felt more comfortable with where they stood as a couple, there was more room in her heart to start processing this grief, she supposed.
Quietly, she slipped out of her room, glancing around to see if Neo or Morpheus were nearby. She didn't see them, and was glad for it. She didn't want either of them to worry about her. She knew that she would be okay in time, she always was before, but this time felt different. It wasn't just the death of these wonderful, brave humans, but the betrayal that came with it that she knew would haunt her heart for a very long time. She felt weak and vulnerable and didn't want them to see her this way.
Creeping down the spiral stairs, she tried to make as little noise as possible. It felt very cold down here, and she wrapped the blanket more tightly around herself. But it wasn't the cold that made her freeze in her tracks at the bottom of the staircase - it was the lone figure sitting cross-legged at the feet of the bodies. His back was to her, but he seemed to be staring at the bodies covered up in several long, white sheets, all lying side by side.
Trinity didn't want to startle Tank by sneaking up on him, so she walked up to him with more power in her footsteps. He didn't say anything to acknowledge her presence, so she simply sat down next to him, bringing her knees up to her chest. She watched the bodies alongside him, grateful that the intense cold seemed to be warding off the decomposition. She cringed at the thought.
They sat this way for a few minutes before Trinity decided to unwrap one side of the blanket and drape it around Tank's shoulders. He nodded his appreciation but still did not utter a word. Finally, unable to take the silence anymore, Trinity said, "Come here often?"
"As often as I can," he said, barely above a whisper. Trinity nodded. She could understand why. She couldn't fathom losing a sibling, though, especially not while they were right in front of you before suddenly being killed. Seeing such a tragedy with your own eyes was haunting, she knew from experience, but it was only a million times worse if it's family.
"I see," she murmured.
He paused a moment before asking, "You can't sleep either?"
Trinity nodded. "Bad dreams." She kept her eyes trained on the bodies in front of her, wondering which shape belonged to whom.
"Yeah, I get that."
Silence again. The seconds dragged on, before Trinity asked, "How is your wound doing?"
Tank shrugged. "It's okay. It hurts like a bitch but I've been putting ointment on it twice a day. I think it will heal up okay."
"That's good. I'm glad to hear it. I've been worried about you."
"Me? Nah, don't worry about me. I'll be alright. Eventually…" he trailed off.
"It'll be a relief when the other ship comes. Morpheus didn't say who it was, but I'm ready nonetheless. The last few days have been grueling and I know we could all use some respite from the manual labor. My arms feel like jelly." Trinity almost groaned as she complained. She didn't really mind the mental distraction the work provided, but she hadn't done this much physical labor in a very long time and her muscles were angry about it.
Tank chuckled, "Yeah, I'm torn. I totally feel you, I'm fucking beat, but … at the same time, I kind of don't want to go back home. If I go home, I have to tell my family the news. But we can't stay out here forever, either…" Trinity looked over at him. He looked irreparably sad.
"I'm sorry, I sounded really insensitive, didn't I? Of course you don't want to face that… no one would." Trinity put her chin on her knees and sighed inwardly, staring ahead again.
Tank shook his head. "No, you're fine. I get it, I do. It's tough either way. I just know everyone is going to be devastated and I hate being the messenger, you know?"
She sighed again. "Yeah, I know. We've been through a lot of … well, we have lost a lot of people, haven't we? I've had to be the bearer of impossible news and it's one of the worst things I've ever had to do." Normally Trinity did not talk about herself this way, but Tank really seemed to need a friend right now. She figured he is probably the one that needs a friend the most right now. The least she could do is try and open up to him about how she felt. Maybe then he would do the same, and some good could come of this chance encounter.
Tank nodded. "I guess I'll discover that feeling soon enough… But let's not dwell on that, eh? How have you been doing?"
She looked up at the ceiling, willing the tears not to come. "I've been stressed. That word doesn't even begin to describe the feeling though. It sounds so… normal of a word, doesn't it? A normal emotion; everyone's stressed. But - I have been trying for years now to put this wall up and be as stoic and unemotional as possible. Not just because I'm the second in command and need to appear like I have my shit under control at all times, but because of times like these. Deep down, I can be a really emotional person sometimes and this is something I will never get used to. I want to, in a way. I want to harden myself so much that these losses don't affect me as badly as they do, but I can never seem to perfect the method." She laid her head on Tank's shoulder involuntarily. He didn't mind. "I've been using the work to distract myself and it helps, mostly. But I think the adrenaline is leaving my body and I'm left just feeling aimless and empty and I just - I can't keep their eyes out of my mind. I was in the matrix when they… well, when they were unplugged. One minute they were there, talking to me. And the next…" Trinity sighed. "The vacancy in their expression haunts me, Tank," she whispered.
He nodded his understanding. "Yeah," he whispered back.
"And you know, the worst part of it all… the thing I truly feel like I can't come back from - is the betrayal. I knew Cypher was kind of an ass at times, but he was one of us. How could he do this?" Her voice broke as she spoke. "I miss them, I really do, and I always will, but I feel like I will never recover from the pain of the knife in my back Cypher left behind." Tears were welling in her eyes now, no matter how hard she tried to stop them.
Tank clenched his fists at his side. "He was a traitor, Trinity, and he doesn't deserve even a single thought in your mind, good or bad. He deserves to rot and be forgotten."
Trinity grimaced. "You're right. I know. I hope in time that can be true. I just feel like it's my fault. Like I should have seen this coming and should have stopped him. As soon as we found Neo, he started acting differently. But I didn't think anything of it. I would do anything to go back and break his fucking neck before he had the chance to do any harm." She grit her teeth and wiped the tear that escaped down her cheek.
"Trinity, come on now. If anyone is at fault, it's me. I was there - you were plugged in. There was nothing you could do. I didn't question how he got away so quickly. I didn't hear him pull that blaster on me. I should be the one wallowing in guilt, not you."
Trinity whipped her head up and looked at him with a fierce affection in her shining blue eyes. "Tank, no. You were not at fault, in any way. You were a victim yourself! It's a miracle you survived, and then you saved all of us. We would be dead if it weren't for you. And Tank, Neo really is the One. So, if he truly ends up fulfilling his destiny and saving humanity, it's only because of you that he had the chance to do that." She gripped his hand fiercely. "I mean it. I am so grateful for you, I want you to know that."
This time it was Tank's turn to fight the tears slipping down his cheeks. "Thanks, Trinity. I appreciate that. I don't know what went wrong that day and why I'm still here, but you're right; there is a bigger picture to see. I just need some time I guess, to let go of this pain and find a way to move on." He wiped his tears with his free hand, the other still gripped by Trinity.
She nodded, but didn't know what else to say in response. They sat in silence another couple of minutes before Tank sighed, let go of Trinity's hand and swiped his fingers through his hair. "So, in other news, you got a boyfriend, now, eh?" he chuckled softly.
Trinity blanched. That is not what she expected to come out of his mouth. She began to blush furiously, and choked out a small laugh. "I guess so?"
"Well, gush, girl. What the hell happened?" He smirked, and she couldn't help but smile in return as it seemed the regular Tank was returning. She was incredibly grateful she had found him down here.
"Well… you know about the trip to the Oracle several years ago? I saw her and then kind of… disappeared in my room for a while?"
He scoffed. "You could say that! You barely said anything to anyone for weeks!"
"Well… she told me that I would fall in love with the One. And you know me, if I can barely make friends with my shipmates without feeling like I've doomed myself to incredible pain, how the hell can I justify loving someone and being that… well, you know… vulnerable, with another person."
"Ahhhh…" he said, eyes closing and nodding in understanding. "I can see why that wouldn't sit well with your cold disposition."
She crooked an eyebrow and gave him a petulant look. "Ha-ha. Anyway, yes, I didn't take the news well. But over the years, I managed. I pushed everyone away. Then, as you know, we discovered Neo."
"Yeah, and you took double shifts watching him. I get it now."
"I wasn't in love with him then! Not… consciously, I think… I don't know, it's been very confusing. I was intrigued by him. But then we met, and things changed. I was attracted to him in a way I hadn't ever experienced before…" She could feel the feverish blush practically emanating from her cheeks. "But the last few weeks I kept telling myself it didn't mean anything, and that it was just a crush. But Tank… when he somehow saved me from that helicopter? When something deep in my soul told me to shoot the rope, that he would somehow pull me up? I don't know how to explain that. I don't know how he did that. Shit, I don't know how he does anything. Just… I had a hell of a lot of faith, I guess. But I just knew we were connected somehow. But I didn't really, truly, believe he was the one until he came back to life. I certainly suspected it, but that was… that was unbelievable."
"Yeah about that… How did that happen? I saw the crazy bullet action on the screen. He stopped those things midair like some kind of wizard or something!" Tank shook his head in disbelief.
Trinity debated what to say next. She didn't want to sound like a crazy person, but Tank deserved to know the truth. "I told him I loved him, Tank. I told him about the prophecy. Then I just kissed him, and all of a sudden his heart started beating again. I don't have an explanation."
"But Trinity, that's impossible."
"That's what I thought, too. But that's what happened."
They sat in silence for a few moments before Tank whispered, "Damn…"
"I know. I couldn't believe my eyes. Or my luck. I was so happy to see that activity on the monitor I almost cried."
"I didn't know you felt that way, like, you've been hiding it pretty damn well. Him on the other hand…" he chuckled. "He's been making puppy dog eyes at you since he unplugged the first time. Everytime you leave a room, his eyes watch you leave. It seems like when he comes into a room, he is looking to see if you're already there. I just ignored it, because I figured it's none of my business, one, but two, that you most definitely were way out of his league so it didn't matter anyway."
Now it was Trinity's turn to chuckle. "That's sweet. Yeah, I didn't notice any of that until he told me how he felt. I'm just so over the moon about it I can't even really process it. I don't know what comes next but I don't fear it as much as I used to. Neo can do that to you - take away your fear and put you completely at ease."
He smiled at her - a real, genuine, Tank-smile. "I'm really happy for you. You deserve happiness and love. I'm glad you've found it. Neo is a great guy and I know he will treat you right."
"Thanks, I really appreciate that, coming from you. It's been hard, letting myself lower my guard enough to love another person that way. But Neo deserves all of someone, not just part of them. He is wonderful and I have to trust that the Oracle was right, and that this is somehow, I don't know, meant to be or something. I don't love the idea that my choices and my fate are so intertwined that I don't know where one begins and one ends, but I have to try and practice just having faith that it's all going to work out in the end. It goes against my nature a bit, if I'm being honest, but I'm trying."
He laughed. "Yeah, I know it does. But for what it's worth, I'm proud of you. It takes guts to love someone like that and put your heart out on your sleeve. He's a lucky guy."
She smiled her thanks. She was at a loss for words. They had never talked like this before, and it was opening her heart in ways she did not expect. There was only one thought nagging at the back of her mind. "You know, love is wonderful. But I can't help but realize it also comes at a cost. Once I let him in, I stand to lose him. The more we love one another, the more devastating it'll be to lose him, too. I'm such a pessimist, I know. But as you know, I never hung out with the crew the way you did. I hid away and kept things business-as-usual because I was so afraid of getting too close. Now here I am, getting close to the fucking 'savior of humanity' and we know what kind of danger he will always be in." She bit her lip in consternation.
"Yeah, I know, but you gotta look at it this way: no one has the powers he has inside the matrix. He was literally unstoppable, I saw it. I don't know if that brings you comfort but it should. Neo can take care of himself. And when he can't, he will have you. And you're the best person to have on the team." His smile at her was genuine, and she felt more of the ice around her heart melting at his loyalty and friendship. "As for everyone else, you do you, and what works for you, but me? I'd rather have wonderful memories of good friends and then lose them than never make any memories at all. They're all I have now, and I will always cherish them. At least, that's what I'm trying to tell myself." His smile began to fade and he started losing his luster. His sadness began creeping back in, second by second. Despite this though, Trinity truly felt like this conversation had done them both some good.
"You're right. Pushing people away is not the answer. I've learned that recently with Neo, too. Had I just been brave enough to talk to him after the Sentinel attack, we wouldn't have wasted so much time avoiding each other. I guess I'm just used to sitting in my room and hiding away from the rest of the world. Seemed easier that way."
"I'm glad you didn't tonight. I'm glad you came down here, even if you didn't know I was here. This has been nice."
She smiled. "I agree. It has been. I just wish it were under different circumstances that we were sitting and having a conversation."
"Yeah. I wish my brother and our friends weren't dead. I wish the bastard that did it would face justice instead of getting off easy. I wish the ship weren't destroyed and we weren't working our asses off putting it back together. But mostly, I just wish more than anything that I had a time machine and could spend just one more hour with all of them. I wish I could say goodbye; tell them what they meant to me." Tears began to form again, and Trinity could feel him slipping back under the waves, out of reach.
"Me too," she whispered. Silently, without thought, she wrapped her arm around his shoulders and brought him in for a hug. Tank was not expecting this, and the gesture broke him. He began to cry in earnest and gripped the other side of the blanket around Trinity's shoulder. He sobbed for several minutes as Trinity just held him, trying to whisper soothing words in his ear. She held back her own tears as best as she could - this was not the time. This was Tank's time, and he needed her right now. He needed his friend to be strong for him.
After a couple of minutes, he sat up slowly, wiped his tears, and took a deep breath. He untangled himself from the blanket and stood up. Reaching out a hand, he helped her stand as well. "I should get going. I am going to try and get some sleep," he told her, speaking so softly she had to strain to hear him. He clearly needed some alone time to process his grief.
She nodded. Just then, Neo carefully stepped down the stairs. He looked a bit fearful, like he was interrupting something. Tank just nodded at him in greeting, and passed by him before going up the stairs himself. Trinity watched him go, pained to see her friend in such a state. She was, however, very grateful to see Neo. Without preamble, she rushed to him and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. He wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her tightly against him. His body was tense; he seemed worried.
She finally felt like she could let it all out; everything she had been holding in the last few minutes came flooding out of her as she cried into Neo's shoulder.
"Hey, Neo, do you mind going down the stairs at the end of the hall and bringing me the black toolbox? I need some items out of there and I've got my hands full here," Morpheus called out to Neo. They were in the Core and Morpheus was working on welding a very large sheet of metal. Neo had been tinkering with the computer used to hook into the matrix, lost in thought.
"Sure," he agreed. He rose slowly, stretching his arms above his head and rolling out his shoulders. He walked down the end of the hall, following Morpehus' instructions, and came upon the door to the spiral staircase. Nonchalantly, he opened the door and began to walk downstairs when he heard voices floating up to him. He couldn't quite make out the words, so he walked down a few more steps, straining his ears to try and hear more of what was going on. He caught his name, and stopped in his tracks. Clearly this was Trinity and Tank, as they were the only other people on board the ship other than him and Morpheus, but he was surprised to hear his name.
"I wasn't in love with him then! Not… consciously, I think… I don't know, it's been very confusing. I was intrigued by him. But then we met, and things changed. I was attracted to him in a way I hadn't ever experienced before…" He heard Trinity say, which made him freeze. He should not be eavesdropping on this conversation. This was not good. But yet, he also couldn't move. Driven by curiosity and fear of what she would say next, he decided to hear what she had to say. She hadn't really opened up to him like this, and he was too intrigued to let guilt force him back upstairs. In reality, he knew it was a jackass move. But curiosity won the battle this time. He also was told to come down here, and he would feel incompetent coming back to Morpehus empty-handed.
Biting his lip, he stood there for several more minutes, feeling guiltier and shittier by the moment. This was a private conversation, but again, he felt rooted to the spot. Finally, they quieted down and he felt like this was the right moment to make his entrance. Hopefully they hadn't noticed his presence yet, judging by their continued conversation. He made his footsteps louder than they needed to be and made his way down the rest of the stairs. When he got to the bottom, he saw Tank standing up, giving Trinity his hand. He helped her rise as well and before he and Tank made eye contact. "I should get going. I am going to try and get some sleep," Tank said before nodding his way. Neo nodded back.
In a flash, Trinity was in his arms, trembling. Neo was a bit startled but he wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her close. He didn't know what else to do, so he just held her as she cried into his shoulder.
Suddenly, as quickly as she had flown into his arms, she stepped back, seemingly all-to-aware of herself and her current emotional state. She wiped her eyes, shook her head, and ran her fingers through her hair. She looked at him apologetically almost, which broke Neo's heart. He never, ever, wanted her to feel like she couldn't show him her true feelings. She should be her true self around him always, but clearly she was coming to her senses and putting her wall right back up again.
"I'm sorry Trin, I hope I didn't interrupt. Morpheus just sent me down here for a toolbox."
"No, no, you're fine. It's okay, I'm fine. The toolbox is over there in the corner," she pointed to a spot to her left. He nodded gratefully and went to retrieve the box.
They looked at each other for a moment upon his return to the base of the stairs, and in that moment Neo just knew he had to say something.
"Trinity, you're not fine. And it's okay to not be fine. And don't apologize for not being fine. You just lost half your crew, and I know they were your friends. I know you've been pushing the feelings down all the time and just trying to pretend like everything is okay, but it's not," he tried to sound as gentle as possible. By the stunned look on her face, he could tell this is not what she was expecting him to say. "You're only human - it's okay to have these feelings and to grieve these people. I am going to be there for you no matter what. You can be sad, or angry, or whatever you feel and I will always be there for you - to listen, to hold you, to kiss you, whatever you need. I need you to know that. I just want you to open up to me, Trin. I think it would do you some good. And I guess I just… I guess I feel like you don't trust me or something, and I don't know what to do to earn that trust. I know you don't give it out easily but I want to earn it. You and I are destined for each other, I just know it, and I want to prove it to you. I want you to be your true self with me without any fear of judgment or something. And by the look on your face I can tell you're a bit surprised by all this, maybe even overwhelmed. I don't want to make you feel bad or anything, or put any pressure on you… I just … I just wanted you to know it was okay to be who you are around me, no matter what… that's all," he finished, feeling more lame and less brave than when he started his speech. She just looked sad and he didn't know what to make of her expression.
She opened her mouth and closed it a couple times, clearly lost for words. "I don't know what to say," she whispered.
"Say anything. Say what you feel." He put his hands on her hips and brought her close.
"Thank you, Neo."
"Thank you?" he asked.
"Yeah. Thank you. You are the most incredible man I have ever encountered. I have never met anyone as kind and as thoughtful as you, and I couldn't be more grateful to have you in my life. I love you so much." Her voice cracked a bit, and Neo couldn't help it. He pulled her in again for a crushing hug.
"I love you more, Trin," he whispered into her hair. He could feel her grin against his neck. After a moment, she pulled away, clearly unhappy about doing so.
"I know you need to get back to Morpheus and I need to try and get some rest."
"Can I help you with anything?" he asked, sounding almost desperate. He needed to do something to ease her pain. Even for a moment.
She shook her head. "You're still on duty. I can see you when you get off." But Neo could hear the longing behind her tone. He could tell she didn't want to be alone. Suddenly, he got an idea.
"Why don't you go up to your cabin, and wait for me. I am going to bring this to Morpheus but I will be right back. Just trust me, okay?" She looked at him questioningly, but nodded her assent.
Neo rushed upstairs, with Trinity following behind him. He retraced his steps back to Morpheus, while Trinity slipped into her cabin, and handed him the toolbox. Morpheus was clearly concerned it took Neo ages to bring it back to him, as he didn't even try to hide his perplexed expression, but Neo filled him in on what happened. He didn't share what Trinity had said, but he told him enough to let Morpehus know that Trinity was starting to finally grieve her friends. Morpheus understood that feeling all too well. They were his friends, too. But, he allowed Neo to leave duty temporarily and told him to take as long as he needed to accomplish whatever he set out to do. Morpheus asked to be spared the details, which temporarily mortified Neo. He would make sure Morpheus knew nothing happened once he came back, Neo told himself.
Neo walked back down the hallway to Trinity's cabin, knocked, and entered upon hearing her reply to come in. He gave a little wave, which made Trinity chuckle. She was lying on her side, facing the door.
"Scooch over," he instructed. She obeyed. "Now turn over to face the other way," he commanded again, very gently. She cocked an eyebrow at him, frowned, but obeyed. Neo then lifted her blankets and guided her as she curled up under them. Then, he took off his boots, took a deep breath (hoping and praying he wasn't overstepping his bounds), and curled up next to her under the blankets, facing the back of her head.
"But Neo, you're on duty," she tried to argue, leaning her face over her shoulder to see what he was doing.
But he simply clucked his tongue and said, "trust me." She obeyed and he flattened his palm against her forehead. Soothingly, he stroked her hair back from her face, and pressed his body up against hers. She sighed. Over and over again, Neo smoothed her hair away from her face in loving strokes. In the softest of whispers, he said in her ear, "You are not alone. You never will be again. I've got you." She almost whimpered, but didn't say anything in response. "Go to sleep, I promise everything is going to be okay."
He kept petting her hair, sometimes using his fingernails to lightly scratch her scalp. She was clearly relaxing more and more as the minutes ticked on, until eventually, her breathing evened out and her body went completely slack. But still Neo kept on, making sure she was lulled into a deep slumber. She deserved it. This woman was a rockstar - she had been working so hard and keeping everything together. She needed him now more than ever and he was going to do anything to prove to her that he had her back.
After a few more minutes, feeling confident that she was out cold, he gracefully extricated himself from the bed, careful not to wake her. But before he closed her cabin door he looked back on her sleeping form one more time, thanking his lucky stars that this woman was his.
A/N: This has been so fun! I didn't say this before, but reviews are welcome! Hope you all enjoyed it!