Behind the Scenes - 7
A/N: Lucky number 7! This has been the chapter I have been anticipating writing, the one I have been most building up to. And the one I get cold feet on!? Ugh. Why does this happen? Anyway, hope you enjoy now that it's finally done. I'm glad I worked up the nerve to make it what I wanted it to be. If you don't like Mature-rating, skip this chapter. If you care to, listen to From This Moment by Shania Twain and you'll understand my inspiration for the later part. Yay love!
It was a quarter to noon before Neo finally opened his eyes. He was sprawled on his stomach, blankets twisted around his torso and legs like a cocoon. The bed felt cold, which meant Trinity must have been up for a while. He raised his head and blinked, looking around the room until he spotted her curled up in the chair reading a book. She hadn't noticed him yet, so he watched her for a moment. She was biting her thumbnail, clearly entranced in what she was reading.
Then his stomach growled. She clearly heard it because her head snapped up and her thumb left her mouth just as quickly. "Neo! You're awake. How did you sleep?"
He grunted and rolled over onto his back, trying to untangle himself. "I can't tell. I'm so wrapped up here I must have had some crazy dreams but I don't remember any of them." He managed to get free and swung his legs over the side of the bed. He rubbed his face, willing the grogginess away, when Trinity appeared at his side with a bowl of what looked like oatmeal.
"I'd say you slept alright then, if you were able to sleep through the night for once. Those pills did you some good." She handed him the bowl and a metal spoon. "Eat up, you must be hungry. I could hear your stomach from all the way over there."
He graciously took the bowl, smelled it, and looked up at her, the obvious question in his eyes.
"It's kind of like oatmeal - just trust me. It's better than what we eat on the Neb, so be grateful." He nodded, expecting as much, and tried the mush. She was right, it actually was better. In fact, so far, the food they had in Zion was leagues better than the Neb, but obviously not as great as what he could have in the matrix. Though he supposed it's not like the bar was set very high, either. Essential minerals and amino acids my ass, he thought.
Between mouthfuls, Neo asked, "So what have you been up to? How long you been up?"
"Well, a few hours I suppose. Long enough to go work out, shower, do laundry, clean up the apartment, and have breakfast myself," she said with a shrug. "Oh, and I started a new book."
"Damn. I wish you would have woken me up - I'm sorry I slept so late." He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and Trinity rolled her eyes before handing him a cloth napkin. (Trinity was a neat and tidy person, and Neo was proving to be… not).
"No, don't be sorry. You needed the rest after everything that happened yesterday. I'm glad you slept late. Besides, it was good that I got all that stuff done - you distract me, so I wouldn't have wanted to go do laundry when I could just be hanging out with you instead." She smiled at him and he grinned back, keeping his full mouth closed.
He swallowed before teasing, "I distract you, huh?"
"You do. So I should be thanking you for sleeping so late, you did us both a favor."
"Well then, you're welcome."
Trinity laughed as Neo did a short, exaggerated bow, almost spilling the remnants of his breakfast.
"Need I remind you that I just cleaned so don't spill anything!" she chastised, and now it was Neo's turn to laugh as he scraped up the rest of his breakfast, shoving huge spoonfuls into his mouth so he could return to the bowl to Trinity. "And don't choke, either - gracious…" she muttered as she took his bowl and put it with the rest of the used dishes that she would be returning to the kitchen downstairs tomorrow.
Once Neo had swallowed, he decided to test the level of soreness in his muscles - so he did a few basic stretches. Overall, he was stiff, but not nearly as sore as he was yesterday. "Hey Trin, I think I'm going to go take a hot shower and try and loosen these muscles up. Where is that bag with those clothes you bought?"
She pointed to a small dresser to the side of the room, opposite the chair she had been curled up in. "I put everything away already. You have the bottom three drawers, I have the top three."
Neo nodded, stood, and went over to the dresser. He bent over at the waist to retrieve some of the items out so he could bring them to the bathroom when Trinity suddenly wolf-whistled from behind him. Neo turned around, confused, but she just grinned and winked at him. "I knew giving you the bottom drawers was a good call," she said before plopping back down into her chair and picking up her book.
Neo blanched, and then a wide smile broke over his face. "You're a monster," he said calmly, before grabbing his clothes and sashaying out the door, bathroom bag in his other hand. He could still hear her faint laughter echoing behind him as he shut the door to their apartment. God, I fucking love that woman.
Trinity was surprised at herself, to be honest. She was not a "joking" person. She didn't play around like that. Ever. But something about Neo made it so easy. She enjoyed the playfulness he brought out in her, even if it didn't feel like her.
She was excited to spend the day with him, and truly had been anxious for him to wake up. But once he left the room, she missed him. Missing him brought up that nagging feeling she had felt at the market the day of the funerals. Which, of course, reminded her of that sticky conversation she may or may not decide to have with him. She didn't know if she was ready. Most of all though, she was afraid of what would happen if she tried to open up like that. Would it scare him off? Would he ever look at her the same way again once he heard how crazy she sounded?
The more Trinity built it up in her mind, the more she decided against telling him anything. Especially not now, not while things were seemingly so good between them. She rarely got "cold feet" about anything, but when she did, it was almost always in the area of relationships. Everytime she started to get close to someone and open up her true feelings, she would back away before they had the chance to leave her or break her heart. To be fair, she only sought men out for the physical aspect of it all, anyway. She had needs. She never sought anyone out with the intention of it being anything serious; just something to stave off the loneliness of her lifestyle.
Then along came the fucking Oracle, and then bam - Neo - and her heart was no longer her own.
Trinity sighed and opened up her book again. She just knew she wasn't cut out for this whole love thing. But she figured she could play along for a while anyway; at least, until Neo realized he could do so much better than her.
The hot water felt so damn good on Neo's stiff muscles. He could feel them loosening up and the tension he didn't realize he had melted away; along with the top layer of his skin, too, most likely. He washed what little hair he had, scrubbed his face and body, and decided to just stand there for another moment. It felt too good.
Now that he was finally alone and fully awake, however, his thoughts started to trail off. This happened often to him, while in the shower. He would start off thinking of one thing and the next thing he knew, he was on a completely unrelated subject. He always attributed it to the magic of the hot water, and the 'clearing of one's mind.' This time, however, he likened it more to a curse.
It started out with Neo thinking about Trinity. Of course, he was always thinking about Trinity. He wanted so badly to take things to the next level with her. Their flirting was getting out of hand, and he felt like he got hard every time she looked at him at this point. But he felt like she was holding something back, and he didn't know what. He truly believed they were ready, but did she? How does he go about asking her for physical intimacy? And what would he do if she said no? He honestly didn't think he could take the rejection. He would respect her decision, of course, he wasn't a monster, but his longing for her was so severe. He just might break in half if she didn't want him that way yet, though he hated to admit it to himself.
Then, as his thoughts tended to do, they changed course. Some of Neo's deepest insecurities started knocking on the door to his brain, asking to be let in. He tried to fight against them, but he wasn't strong enough and they flooded his thoughts. He thought about being the One, and how their relationship was so intertwined with his supposed "destiny." Was it her destiny to be killed because he was the One? Would her relationship with him be her downfall? It was bad enough he had the weight of the actual world on his shoulders being the 'savior' and all, but now he had something more precious to worry about: her. She was his world; not the thousands of people living in Zion or the billions living in the matrix. He felt terrible admitting it, even just in his own head, but it was true.
And would he ever tell her this? He didn't know. Maybe he should. Maybe she should know what she was risking by being with him. He felt stuck between a rock and a hard place. He didn't want to drag her into his supposed prophecy. He would do anything to keep her alive and well. But he knew deep down, too, that it was her love that made him the One. How could he protect her while also fighting to save humanity? How could he separate this relationship, which was the best thing that had ever happened to him, from his supposed destiny, which was, in some ways, the worst?
Neo didn't have any of the answers. But he was tired of thinking and finally decided he had had enough. He turned off the shower, dried off, put on his clothes, and headed back to be with Trinity. After all, being with her was the only thing that made sense; the only thing Neo didn't have to have all the answers to.
Neo entered the room again, this time knowing which door was the correct one. Trinity looked up from her book, frowning at him. She had lost her playfulness and now didn't know what to say. She was afraid if she started talking, everything would come tumbling out like word vomit.
Neo on the other hand, mistook her quiet for anger. Convinced he must have done something wrong, he set the bag by the door where he found it and looked around the room, trying to spot whatever mistake he had made. But the room looked the same.
He dared to ask, "Everything okay…?"
This broke her out of her trance and she nodded, blinking a few times. "Yeah, everything is fine. You know… I don't think I had time to tell you yesterday, but we're going to Dozer's funeral tomorrow afternoon. I just thought you should know." Good distraction, Trinity, keep everything else to yourself, she thought sternly.
To Neo, this explained everything. She must be thinking about her friends, which is why she gave me that weird look when I got in, he concluded. "Okay, sure. It'll be nice to see Tank again."
Trinity nodded. "Yeah. I feel bad not going to see him since we've been docked, but I'm trying to give him space to be with his family right now."
Neo came and stood next to her, putting his hand on her shoulder gently. "I think that's a good call. How… how are you doing, by the way? With everything?"
She contemplated before answering, "I feel okay, actually. I feel better now that I got the chance to properly say goodbye. Plus, you know, I realized… life is too short to waste any time. You never know when your time will come and I'm trying to use that lesson to seize the day, you know? At least til it's my time." She looked into the distance, almost wistfully.
Neo however, stiffened. He was suddenly reminded of his worst fears he had just been obsessing over not five minutes ago. He pictured himself suddenly, like an out-of-body-experience, sometime in the distant future. He was holding Trinity's body. In that moment, she was repeating these very words, that 'everyone's time comes eventually' and for him to 'let her go.' Is this some kind of weird foreshadowing, he wondered? Some neon warning sign from the universe?
"...and you know, I only say that because life isn't promised, if that makes sense." She looked up at him, not realizing he had frozen in sudden fear and anguish. "Neo? Are you okay?"
He looked down at her, willing his head to move; willing his voice to work. "Yeah, I'm fine." He was not fine. He had clearly missed a big chunk of what she had said, he just hoped she didn't notice. He wanted them to survive this war so badly. But her especially. She can't go through life thinking these things - where was her fighter spirit?!
He walked over to the bed - he needed to sit down. She stood up, put down her book, and followed him. "Neo, what's wrong? Is it something I said?" she asked, concern etched across her face as she gazed into his.
"I'm fine, really," he tried to reassure her.
"Don't lie to me. I'm not stupid. You looked content when you walked in here, but the moment I started talking about how everyone dies you clammed up and went… away… somewhere. What's going on?"
Neo sighed. He bent over, put his forehead into his hand, elbow propped on his knee. He explained what happened in the shower, and how he has tried to keep these thoughts out of his head ever since they admitted their feelings for each other. He tried to stick to the footnotes, just so she would stop asking questions, but the more he talked, the more he said - and the more he shared, against his better judgment. "I just didn't want to freak you out, you know? I know on some level that everyone… dies… but you… God, you are everything to me. Everything, My whole world. If I lost you, or better yet, if I lost you because of this stupid prophecy shit? God, I'd never forgive myself. I guess on some level, I want to give you the choice to end things now before they get too serious. I don't want to be the reason you… well, I don't want to lose you either way. But I wouldn't hold it against you if you wanted out. Being the One is bigger than I originally thought, and the pressure gets to be too much sometimes. But there's no reason I should drag you down with me. On another level… well, I guess I'm afraid of scaring you off and you actually taking the out," Neo finished lamely. He felt sick.
Trinity looked bewildered. So much so, that she didn't say anything for a good twenty seconds. Neo just sat there, mortified, desperately wishing to take back what he had said.
"You're an idiot, Neo." Neo looked up at her; now it was his turn to look bewildered.
"What? Why?" he asked incredulously.
"I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't say that when you clearly just poured your heart and soul out to me, but damn, that is ridiculous. In case you've forgotten, I am a soldier. I have been for over ten years. In fact, I've been a soldier for over a third of my life. I've been in more matrix runs than I can count. I've helped free hundreds of people. I knew the risks when I began my training, when I was assigned to the Neb. Hell, I knew them when we freed you." She bent over to look him in the eye. He still had his head in his hands. "I knew the risks and I did it all anyway. I've gotten pretty good at this by now. Being with you… how does that make my job any different? To be frank, if anything, the tides have shifted back to our side with your arrival. Now that we have you, and you've discovered your abilities, we have an advantage. We have a chance now - a chance we didn't have before." He looked at her as she spoke, tears shining in his eyes but not yet falling.
"But what if I can't do it?" he whispered, clearly afraid.
She shook her head. "You can and you will. Because I know you, and you won't give up. You can do things none of us can do, but you have our support and our expertise, too. We are a team and none of us are going anywhere. Especially me. We will figure it out - together."
Neo took a shaky breath. She was awfully convincing. And he knew deep down, Trinity was not an optimist. But for him, she was. He somehow felt lighter, actually, talking about all this. He gave her an out and she called him an idiot. That's a good sign - right?
He felt fueled by her faith in him; the same feeling that burned in his gut during his impossible resurrection and subsequent fight with the agents. Slowly, he straightened his spine, gazed deep into Trinity's eyes, and kissed her with all of his pent up passion. He thought back to their first kiss, how he was so happy to have heard her confession, and how he longed to put every feeling, every intention, behind a kiss of his own. He wanted the action to speak for itself, without need for words. And that is what he intended here: he wanted her to feel his love radiating from him; to feel how strong it was, just simply from his kiss alone. He didn't think he had the words to make her understand, anyway.
That was all the invitation Trinity needed. She knew that Neo was not trying to have sex with her right now. She knew this moment was just simply about his love for her and his appreciation of her role as his confidant and partner. She could feel that somehow, like she was starting to be able to read his intentions through his body language alone. And she loved him too; she loved him more than anything. But after all the flirting and the confessions of true love, Trinity was just about ready to burst. It had been years since she had been with a man, and it was grating. She couldn't imagine how Neo must feel, too, in his brand-new, still-sensitive body. Besides, crossing this physical bridge was much easier to her than crossing the emotional one. He had just told her this important secret, but she didn't want to risk sharing one of her own. Not yet.
She decided: this is something they both needed. Badly. It was time.
Trinity wove her arms around Neo's shoulders and pulled him close, deepening their kiss. With one hand he reached behind her, running his fingers into her hair, and placed the other on her lower back. It was as if they couldn't get close enough to one another; each was pulling the other more tightly against them. Tongues danced, breath was shared, and moans escaped their lips as their need for each other grew.
After a moment, they broke away slightly, gasping for breath. Not wasting another minute, Trinity placed a hand on Neo's chest, pushing him down onto the bed, so he lay on his back. His eyebrows lifted, asking the silent question: Are you sure?
Trinity grinned wickedly at him before straddling his waist and leaning down to kiss him once more. She wove her fingers under his shirt and pried it away, roaming her hands all over his chest. She pulled it over his head, tossed it behind her, and leaned back down to begin softly kissing Neo's neck. He groaned as goosebumps rose all over his exposed torso and arms. He ran his hands up and down her back, occasionally going lower, to Trinity's delight.
Neo then followed suit, practically tearing Trinity's shirt up over her head before tossing it aside. He paused upon seeing her in her bra, his breath catching and eyes widening. He could hardly believe this was finally happening. She was too beautiful for words. Before she could grow too embarrassed, being gawked at like that, she distracted Neo by reaching down to unbuckle his pants. Neo began to flush, all of sudden feeling slightly embarrassed. After all, it had been a very, very, long time since someone saw him naked. Trinity pretended not to notice his discomfort.
"Wait, what about protection?" Neo asked suddenly, eyes growing wide.
Trinity shook her head. "We don't have condoms here. I bought some medication at the market the other day and already started taking it. You can… you know. You don't need to do anything else."
He looked at her warily. "And you won't get… you know, pregnant, or anything, if I do?" She just shook her head again, kissing him if only to get him to stop talking.
In a moment, she had pulled his pants off and dropped them to the floor. He was down to his underwear now, and his excitement was clearly evident. Trinity's heart was racing in anticipation. She grinned broadly and flipped over on her back, using her body language to convey that he could take hers; even the scale.
But Neo's pace didn't match hers. She was dizzy with need, ready for this to happen. Neo suddenly looked down at her with a smile, and didn't move. He just… looked at her.
"What's wrong?" she asked, breathing heavily, eyes heavy-lidded.
Neo shook his head. "Absolutely nothing. But you're clearly in a hurry. I think we should take our time. You know, make this special," he almost whispered. He turned on his side and leaned over her, kissing her softly, delicately, on the mouth. He then moved to her cheek, her neck, her earlobe, and then her collarbone. It took her breath away and made her eyes roll back into her head.
"You… special?" she asked, hardly able to form words.
"Yeah, special. It's, you know… our first time. We should make it last," he said in between soft kisses across her chest and shoulder. "As much as I can anyway. I'm sure this new body is going to make me feel 17 again.. It may be… quick," he muttered, almost sounding disappointed.
But Trinity just shook her head. "Neo, I don't think I can wait. I need you," she moaned.
Neo just grinned and came back up to kiss her lips. "We have all the time in the world," he said, before using one hand to slowly slide her pants down. She kicked them off in frustration. His other forearm was supporting his weight so he didn't put all his weight onto her. "But… I hear you."
Without warning, and to Trinity's dismay, Neo slid his hand under the waistband of her underwear. He used two fingers and found his target. She cried out in shock and pleasure. He knew what to do, like he had been doing this for her for years. She was incredibly impressed that such a socially-isolated person knew how to please a woman so effectively.
For a few minutes, he simply took his time with her. She couldn't think straight. Everytime she thought she might go over the edge, he would pull back. It was like he was teasing her, trying to draw this out, like he said. But Trinity couldn't take it anymore. Her legs were shaking and she had started to sweat. She pulled his hand away from her, used her incredible strength to flip Neo onto his back, and straddled him again. He still grinned at her, knowing how much he had riled her up. Past the point of no return.
But now, it was her turn to exact her revenge. She ground her hips into his, keeping up such a rhythm that now it was Neo's turn to start shaking. He moaned, and mumbled her name over and over. Through their undergarments, Trinity could feel his stiffness. He soon started to match her movements, almost bucking at the chance to grind against her.
It was time. They both had suffered enough.
She flipped off him and grabbed his wrist, begging with her eyes for him to finish the job. He looked drunk, eyes heavy and mouth agape. But he obliged, taking her mouth with his again. This time though, he used one hand to reach around and unhook her bra. It fell off her and she could barely care. She was sure Neo was glancing at every inch of her skin at this point, but she needed one thing and one thing only: release. And it came soon enough. Neo needed only to return to his initial mininstrations for a few seconds before she was almost screaming. Her whole body thrashed in his arms. Before she could finish coming down from her high, her underwear was torn down her legs and he was on top of her.
"Go slow, it's been a while," she whispered, suddenly fearful of the sudden pinch she knew came with waiting this long to have someone enter her. He obliged, and slowly moved into her. She cried out, both in pleasure and also in sharp pain. He began to shake, moving to the rhythm they had established moments ago. She moved with him, enjoying the feeling of this closeness with him. She felt lost at sea, and in this moment, Neo was her anchor. She clung to him like her life depended on it. Which, in more ways than one, it did. She realized now that she was lost without this man. She never wanted any other man ever again. She wanted this, them, forever.
He finished quickly, crying out as he did. They were both covered in sweat, hearts pounding so fast she could feel his heart beating against her own chest. For a moment neither of them moved. They hardly had the energy left to. But slowly, she eased Neo's head down to lie on her chest, settled atop her breastbone. His cheek was pressed against her skin, chest flat against her stomach, torso lying between her open legs. His palms slid up the sides of her back and cupped the back of her shoulders, elbows attempting to hold some of his weight.
For several minutes they just laid there, letting their pulses settle, enjoying the feeling of skin on skin contact. Then, a small laugh bubbled out of Trinity's throat. Neo lifted his head, startled. But she kept laughing. It grew until she had tears leaking from the corners of her eyes. Neo had absolutely no idea what to make of this sudden shift in her demeanor.
"Are you okay?" he asked, eyebrows furrowed. But her laugh was also contagious, and soon enough he was laughing with her, and he didn't have a clue why.
After a few moments, she finally composed herself enough to say, "I'm okay, I'm okay…"
"What was that all about?" Neo asked, grinning. He slowly rose up and slid off her, moving to lie next to her instead. He covered them both up with the blankets as she wiped her eyes.
"I don't have a clue. I really don't. I just… needed to laugh I guess."
"Hopefully not at my expense," Neo muttered, nuzzling her exposed neck.
"Absolutely not. You are far more talented than I would have given you credit for."
"Hey!"
"It's a compliment!" Trinity rolled her eyes and shoved him playfully.
"Is it? Why would you think I wouldn't be good in bed?" He exclaimed, acting like he was truly offended. She smiled at him, knowing he wasn't.
"You haven't dated a woman as long as I've watched you. You always seemed so… socially reserved. I never saw you with another woman or anything."
"I hope to God you didn't watch me watch porn…" Neo muttered, actually embarrassed now. His cheeks began to warm at the thought. He hadn't even thought of that before, when Trinity first told him about how they had watched him to see if he might be the One.
Trinity laughed again. God, I love that sound, Neo thought.
"No! Or at least, I didn't. I can't speak for Tank or Cypher or anyone else." She suddenly frowned at Cypher's name, but Neo quickly rebounded.
"Because that would be really embarrassing. You know, come to think of it, watching a guy in his home when he is alone and without a girlfriend really isn't the smartest move, Trin. You might not have liked what you saw."
She turned on her side so that they were face to face. She looked deep into his eyes, still smiling. "You're right. I shouldn't have invaded your privacy. But I'm glad I did, nonetheless."
"I'm glad you did, too."
"And I don't care where you learned your moves from. As long as you keep up the good work," she practically purred, nuzzling Neo's nose with her own. He captured her lips again, softly and with as much affection as he could muster.
"I couldn't do half the shit those guys do. That's hardly even real, I'm certain."
"I'm sure you're right." She laid her head down on the pillow, still looking into Neo's eyes. They were dark, luscious, and so kind. She could stare into them forever, it seemed. "As for your stamina, we have time to build that up. Practice makes perfect, I'd say." Neo stiffened, heart hammering. It's official. This woman is perfect, Neo thought.
"Glad you're willing to stick it out, soldier," Neo teased. She just rolled her eyes and wrinkled her nose in playful distaste before closing them and sighing. He continued to watch her, marveling at how beautiful she was. But there was something he just felt compelled to say. He didn't know why he felt he needed to say it now, but he wanted to say it before either of them fell asleep.
"Trinity, I feel closer to you now than ever before. It feels good to have finally crossed that line with you, even outside of the obvious, you know, physical relief." Eyes still closed, she snorted a brief laugh, the only sign that she was listening. "I know I don't know you inside and out yet, but I'm closer now than I was. I want to know everything about you someday." Now she opened her eyes and gazed into his. "I know it's been hard for you to show your true self, your true feelings, especially with someone you don't know all that well either. But I wanted you to know it didn't go unnoticed. You've shared your anxieties about having to keep this relationship secret so we're not torn apart, you've shared your memories about your friends and how you feel about them being gone… I guess what I'm saying is that you've been really brave, letting me in. I know it's not easy for you to do that and I just feel really, you know, honored and stuff," he finished lamely. Her eyes had grown wider the more he spoke, and now her mouth was slightly agape.
Shit, Trinity thought to herself. She felt sudden, immense guilt. This is what she had been afraid of. Neo was so much better than her at this 'feelings' stuff. Why is he saying all this now?
"Neo, I'm… I'm not brave, not in relationships. In the matrix maybe, against sentinels, I guess, sure, but… You shouldn't think that stuff about me…"
"No, but you are. You put these walls up, I know, but with me, I feel like you're taking them down and telling me how you truly feel about stuff. You've been honest and upfront with me and I just appreciate it, is all."
Dear God, why!? Trinity groaned inwardly. "I…"
"What?" Neo asked gently, sensing that she was internally struggling about something. She frowned, sat up, and swung her legs over the side of the bed. Before she could stand up, he wrapped his arms around the tops of her shoulders from behind. "Talk to me, Trin. What's wrong?"
She shrugged him off, stood up, and gathered up her clothes. The confusion on his face made her heart ache. She had somehow found a way to ruin this, and she hated herself for it.
"What did I say to scare you off?" he asked, suddenly defensive.
She put her bra and underwear on, not saying a word.
"Well?" he demanded.
She put her shirt on and began pacing the room, fiddling with her pants in her hands. "Neo, you are much better at this than I am. You shared your deep insecurities with me and I haven't done that with you. I'm the kind of person that keeps that stuff to myself because nothing good ever comes from sharing it out loud, anyway. So stop thanking me for doing something I haven't done."
Neo looked confused and astounded at her confession. "Trinity, if there's something on your mind, why wouldn't you just talk to me about it? I've proven myself worthy of your confidence, haven't I?"
She stopped pacing and rebounded on him. "It's not about being worthy, Neo. It's not about you or your 'worthiness' at all. It's about me, and my problems, not you."
"I don't understand. If you have something to say, then say it."
She paused. "I don't know what will happen when I do. So, maybe it's best not to say anything at all."
"So you'd rather scare me instead? Drop this whole, 'I'm Trinity and I keep secrets' thing on me? Because you're scared of how I would react? How is that fair? I've never reacted poorly to anything you've ever told me about yourself." Against his better judgment, he could feel his volume rising. He did not want to fight with her. Not after finally being together that way. He just wanted to rewind, but he couldn't let it go now. His worry about what she was keeping from him outweighed his other thoughts and emotions. Primarily, what if they weren't on the same page about this relationship? Did this mean more to him than it did to her?
She put her pants on and kept pacing. "I wanted to talk to you but I don't know how, Neo. I know I have had time to figure it out, but I also haven't. Between fixing the ship, attending the funerals, bringing you to the council… there just hasn't been a good time."
"I'd say now is a good time. We have the whole afternoon free, you said so yourself." He pulled the blanket over his lap as he planted his feet on the floor, sitting on the edge of the bed. He straightened his spine and crossed his arms across his chest, bracing himself for whatever she had to say next.
For a moment, she just stared at him, hands on her hips in frustration. He kept her gaze, challenging her. Then she gave in, sighed, ran her fingers through her short black hair and turned away from him, breaking eye contact.
"Fine…" she muttered. "You can't say I didn't warn you though. I don't want to hurt you, Neo."
"Understood. I can take it. I want to hear what you're thinking." He grimaced, wondering if he had truly made a mistake or if she was exaggerating the seriousness of whatever this was.
She began to pace again, waiting several moments before finally speaking. "I'm not good at relationships. I've said this before. You're right, I do put up walls. I've never really been in a serious relationship. I tend to… hook up with guys, you know, from time to time. To just… stave off the loneliness, I guess. I 'quench my thirst,' so to speak, and then move on. It's not an uncommon life for someone stationed on a warship. So don't judge me, or whatever, but it's sometimes all we have time for. I've been with… a lot of men. In the matrix and out. But then… then came the fucking Oracle." She dared glance at Neo, whose face was unreadable.
She continued. "I never considered love being for me, why would I? I guess I saw it as kind of… I don't know, a weakness maybe. And then the Oracle tells me not only am I going to fall in love with a man, but that man will be the One. No pressure, right? Now all of a sudden my heart becomes this compass that is supposed to end this seemingly endless mission Morpheus has us on. I'm supposed to sniff him out or something, or God knows what. At first all I did was stay in my room, after I found out. I was horrified, in a way. I didn't ask for that life. And then, over time, I started to realize: she is a fucking program. I don't have to listen to her. She didn't know what the hell she was talking about. She didn't know me. So, I was going to take charge of my destiny. But then we found you. And what did I do? I watched you, constantly. I was so… intrigued by you. I truly thought, 'There's no way this is the One,' but my obsession wouldn't cease. I wanted to know what made you so special, and to be honest Neo, I didn't see what Morpheus saw." Neo flinched at her words, but refused to back down. He watched as she continued to pace, volume and animation growing with each new confession.
"But then I did start to see it. And I met you, and I got to know you in person, and I was incredibly attracted to you. Look, I get it. I know I am too stubborn and too independent, and I fear love for some reason I can't explain. That's not so bad in itself. What IS bad is that I am questioning everything now. The distrust, the insecurity has overtaken me. I don't want to push you away, Neo, but I am scared. I want to believe we are soulmates, I do, because I do love you. She was right about that. Do I feel this invisible string tied between us, connecting us in a way I have never felt before? Yes. But do I feel it because she told me I would? I don't know. Is it my choice to love you? Or do I only love you because I was told I would? What is real and what isn't? What is 'destiny' and what is simply a string of my own choices leading me to see you for who you are, and love you for it?" She was an octave higher, practically bordering on hysterical. Neo felt certain he had uncorked Pandora's box, and was uncertain if he was glad he had done it or not.
"My point is that I didn't ask for this, and I see what it's done to me. I used to be someone my team looked up to, a 'hard-ass' who could tackle anything and be unafraid. Lately, I've been a weepy mess. I've stared death in the face for years and I've never reacted to stress and trauma that way. I know I just lost my friends and I know it's normal to grieve them, but even just… the changes of being reliant on you! It's like I'm broken or something! I can't sleep without you, I am terrified of losing you, and when we are apart, I feel useless, like I am just waiting to be next to you again. What if you were right earlier? What if something happens to you and I'm left all alone? How will I survive something like that? And - how is that healthy? How is that okay? I'm not who I used to be. I've changed and I didn't ask to change. So again, I've lost myself, I've lost control, I've lost perception of what is my choice or not… Am I even ME anymore? This has taken over my life, and I know it hasn't been a bad thing. I have loved every minute I've spent with you. I could just stare at you for days and be satisfied with how I've spent my time. But at what cost? I used to just be a soldier, who had one job that I loved, and my feelings for you… they make me feel weak. I have never felt that way - ever." Neo looked down at his bare feet now. He didn't know what to say, so he let her continue. Clearly she had been bottling this up and there was no stopping her now.
"I wonder sometimes… I wonder what my friends would say about me now. Would they be happy for me, for finding someone who loved me as much as you do? Would they tease me for letting my heart finally thaw? Would they be disappointed that you're the only thing I ever think about now? I don't know. I have found something people search their whole lives for and the fucking shame I feel, Neo, for complaining this way… it knows no bounds. I am horrified at myself. Trust me, you couldn't hate me more than I hate myself right now. My feelings could potentially compromise my duties, too, you know. If that happened, I would never forgive myself. I'm so sorry… so fucking sorry for dropping all this on you. I didn't want to. I swear, I was going to keep it to myself. I'd rather let it eat away at me than ever hurt you." She finally stopped pacing and looked down at the floor rather than look at him. She sat down, right in the middle of the floor, pulling her knees to her chest.
"Neo… you mean everything to me. I just wonder if I can be what you want me to be. I don't even know who I am, so how can you get to know 'all of me' like you want, if I don't even know me? I know it all sounds ridiculous, but it's how I feel…" She sighed and laid her forehead on her knees. Neo couldn't see her face, but could tell by how she was trembling that she was not doing well.
Neo reached over to the end of the bed and retrieved his boxers. He put them on before sitting next to her on the floor. He didn't say a word, he just tilted her body so that she leaned over into his lap. He stroked her hair, if only to comfort her as much as he could.
"You don't have to help me, Neo. I'm sure I've hurt you. I don't deserve this. Just yell and scream at me or something. Let it out!" she cried out. "I can stay in the room next door, I don't mind. I can give you some space to think if you want." She tried standing up, but Neo held firm. He continued to hold her until she stopped trembling. But Trinity still could not look Neo in the eye. She merely looked at his knees as he sat cross-legged on the floor with her.
After a moment, Neo bent down, kissing her forehead. Finally, her bloodshot eyes whipped up to meet his, staring incredulously at him. "What are you doing?" she asked, breathless, tears forming.
He still said nothing, but kissed the top of her head this time. It was the final straw. Neo watched in slow motion as Trinity lost it. Her eyes somehow turned more red, the tears overflowed, and the trembling picked back up again.
"Neo, why won't you say something?"
"What do you want me to say, Trin?" he asked softly, still stroking her hair.
"I don't know, anything!" Trinity was confused, scared, and most of all, regretful. She wished to God she hadn't said anything. She was convinced he was just doing this to calm her down, and when the moment finally came, he would calmly find a reason to leave. She assumed he saw right through her, to all her crazy, self-sabotaging habits. After all, just because the Oracle said she would fall in love with the One, didn't mean he would make the choice to stay with her.
Neo suddenly got an idea and gently lifted Trinity off his lap. He stood up, took her hand, and led her to the bed again.
"What are you doing?" she asked, confusion and skepticism replacing her brief annoyance.
"Just trust me," he replied calmly. Together, they laid back down in their previous spots but this time, he laid on his back and guided her head to lay on his chest. "How does my heart sound to you?" he asked.
She furrowed her eyebrows, but decided to answer honestly. "Steady. Normal, I suppose. Why?"
"If I were scared or nervous, it would be beating irregularly and fast right?"
"I guess, yeah…"
"Okay. So I wanted to start off by establishing that. I think I am ready to respond now. I needed a moment to think…" he said. He looked up at the ceiling, breathing deeply and centering himself so as to speak his mind correctly, the way he wanted to. "Just listen to what I have to say and don't talk or argue, okay? I listened to you without interruption, so now it's my turn. Okay?" he asked gently.
She nodded against his chest before reaching a hand up to wipe the tears from her face. "Okay," she whispered.
"Okay. I suck at relationships too. Like, notoriously bad. I've told you this. I've never had a successful one, and I've never been in love before now. My first love was actually my computer, if I'm being totally honest. I am… awkward, and kinda goofy, and I'm too skinny, and I'm always worried about saying the wrong thing or doing something that offends the other person… so what do I tend to do? Nothing at all. Hell, I never would have initiated sex if you hadn't because I'm too afraid of rejection - even though you and I have made it quite clear how we feel about each other. I mean shit, the endless flirting alone was reason enough to just claim you but I'm a coward and sometimes, I feel like a bit of a loser. You're way, way out of my league, Trinity, and even though you've expressed your love, part of me feels like you can't possibly because it's you, and I'm me." He looked down at the crown of her head. She was rubbing his stomach again, as she had before. He wondered if she knew she was doing it or if it was subconscious. It made him smile nonetheless.
"I know that doesn't directly respond to anything you said but it's how I feel regardless. Most people change over the course of their lives, right? You're always going to change. Your feelings are valid though, as are mine, and I can't tell you who you're supposed to be or what your friends would think if they were here. I can't tell you why the Oracle said what she said, or what will happen in the future, especially with the war. You already know how I feel about that…" he trailed off a moment, thinking of their earlier conversation. "Hell, I spouted all my fears about that shit and though it felt good to get it off my chest, it doesn't make those feelings go away. Just because I voiced them doesn't mean they're gone. I know the same goes for you. You're scared that you've lost control over your destiny and that your choices don't reflect who you used to be, and I get that. I never used to be brave, and now I have no choice but to be. I never, ever want to leave you and will do everything in my power to keep you by my side. I never want to put you in a position where your morals or values are compromised, either. But I can't do this soul-searching for you. You have to decide if you want me or not. I know you love me, but if you want to be with me, that is a choice you can make." He choked on his last sentence, barely able to say the words out loud.
"It's up to you to decide what you want, regardless of what the Oracle said. I know it's hard to tell the difference sometimes, between fate and coincidence. Between consequence and destiny. But I could argue this: Once you realized something had occurred and then decided to keep it that way, isn't that in itself making a choice? You came to this conclusion however long ago and chose to sleep with me anyway, with this pain on your conscience - you made a choice based on your feelings for me. I personally believe the Oracle sets things in motion, but it's up to us to get there, to make it happen. She told me I wasn't the One, Trinity. And yet here we are. She told me what I needed to hear in that moment, and she lied. Because if she had said that I was the One? I wouldn't have believed her. Then what? Where would we be? Things might have turned out differently." Neo contemplated, a memory tickling the back of his brain. "Actually, she mentioned you… I didn't realize it until now…"
Trinity furrowed her eyebrows. "What did she say?"
"She knew you loved me. Hinted at me having a chance at love but that I was too dumb to see it right in front of me. She didn't call you out by name but regardless, that should have been enough to get me to see things differently. But I didn't, because again, how could you love me? I guess what I am trying to say is we make our own fate, our own luck, our own choices. You can be whoever you want to be and I will love you regardless. But at the end of the day, it's up to you to do those things. You have to either be okay with being a bit more emotional now, or try and go back to how you were. You can be with me or you don't have to be. These are all things you have control over whether you think you do or not. Am I with you because the Oracle said so? Clearly not if I didn't even understand her message. Trin, I am not the man I used to be in the matrix. You make me a better version of him. I don't want you to think you have to change for someone else but maybe this whole thing is like some metamorphosis shit and you're just fighting against what you fear. I don't know. But you'll always have final say over your life and maybe things are just - I don't know, getting better than they were before. You didn't sound like you were very happy. And that is all I want for you… to be happy." He finished.
They laid there a moment, Trinity soaking in everything Neo had said. She was floored. Everything he said made sense and her guilt for keeping this conversation at bay was slowly subsiding. She didn't know what to say, honestly, because she felt so stupid for feeling so disrupted in the first place.
"Neo, I want to be by your side no matter what. I never want to lose you. You've made me happier than I ever thought I could be," she whispered gently. Still too intimidated to look him in the eye, she looked at his bellybutton instead. "I'm sorry I kept everything inside. I just thought… I guess I thought you'd leave."
"Trinity. Why on Earth would I do that?" Neo was perplexed. Nothing she said sounded so insulting to him that it would warrant even the thought of leaving.
She shrugged. "I don't know. I don't even know what to say anymore. I guess I just assume for most guys, love isn't enough. That when things get hard and emotions aren't easily put away in a box then things get too complicated to be worth the hassle."
Neo sighed. "I'm not most guys. You set your boundaries and I'll abide by them. You're worth every hassle."
She smiled and pushed against him playfully.
"Loving someone means wanting what's best for them and wanting to see them thrive. I just want to see you love yourself as much as I love you. I want you to want me even though I have flaws too." He lifted her chin, forcing her to look into his eyes.
"I've never wanted you more. You're a really good listener…and to be honest, I've never in my life felt this way - seen, respected, heard, cared for… it's almost too much," she whispered. She took a deep breath. "Maybe you're right. Maybe this was set in motion by the Oracle. Maybe it is fate. But I chose to bring you dinner and watch over you. I chose to tell you how I felt when you almost died for good."
"And - I chose to save you from that helicopter. I chose to follow the white rabbit even though I didn't know where it would lead. I pursued you after the sentinel attack and forced you to talk to me. We all make choices, Trin. This thing we have? It's going to be a give and take. We're partners, making choices together now. It wouldn't be what it is and we wouldn't be here, now, without the choices we made. Regardless of who saw it coming miles away. But I don't care - I know you're my soulmate. I feel it. That string you mentioned? That's a good way to put it. And if you'll have me, I promise I can make you happy. You deserve it, Trinity."
She smiled up at him and reached over to clasp his hand with hers. "Neo, I didn't think talking it out would help. I thought it would make everything worse. But you are amazing. I feel… just, so much better. I am glad I didn't break your heart. That would have killed me."
"You didn't. And I guess I just get where you're coming from, you know? I may not feel the same way about some stuff but I have my own shit I'm working through about being the One and why it had to happen to me, when I didn't ask for this. It's hard, feeling like your destiny isn't in your own hands."
Trinity contemplated a moment before asking, "What if she had been right? What if you truly weren't the One, but we had already freed you anyway?"
This time Neo paused to consider. "Well, I guess if you still loved me despite me losing my celebrity status I'd marry you and try to convince you to live here with me in Zion." And he immediately regretted what he had said. The look of horror that passed over Neo's face was sudden and fearful. He looked down at her, apology forming on his lips, before Trinity started laughing.
"I can't imagine being a housewife! Oh my God, that would be the day… Ah… well, I appreciate the sentiment that you love me enough to marry me and make an honest woman out of me," she continued to chuckle.
Neo continued looking down into her eyes, suddenly growing serious."Trinity, I'd bind my soul to yours a thousand times over if I could. I've never felt this way about anyone, ever. You're my home. My day revolves around trying to make you smile and never feeling like I have enough time with you. I live for this, what we have. I don't want to scare you, I mean, I know we haven't known each other that long but it's true…"
She smiled. "It doesn't scare me. If I'm being honest too, now, I seek you out like a moth to a flame, or however that old phrase goes. Something just doesn't feel… right… when we're not together. I mean shit, I watched you sleep for like an hour this morning just because I was amazed at how beautiful and peaceful you looked, and I wanted to commit it to memory." Her cheeks reddened. "Neo, you're everything I wish that I could be. You mesmerize me. We just need to try not to worry so much about each other or we're going to get ulcers." This time it was Neo's turn to chuckle.
"Okay, so let's make a pledge or something," he proposed. "From this moment on, we will do everything in our power to make the other person happy. We will respect each others' boundaries and give space when needed. We won't judge each other and will always be honest about how we feel," he paused to give her a fictitious glare. She rolled her eyes in response, but nodded.
"And we will always stick together, even in times of danger. We will protect each other to the best of our ability," Trinity added. Neo pursed his lips at this, not knowing if he could commit to this one. He would never want Trinity in harm's way because of him. But after a moment, he nodded his assent anyway. "Good. So it's settled then. But you know, Neo, these sound suspiciously like vows…"
Neo smiled. "They are what you make of them. I don't see a priest anywhere, or whatever you Zionites have."
Trinity winced. "Oof, well, don't open the closet door then, you won't want to see what I have locked inside there. I haven't fed him in a while."
Neo barked a laugh before ruffling Trinity's hair playfully. Both felt so much better after their emotionally taxing day, they could see it in each other's body language. They knew this is where they belonged: right here, right now, and as Trinity craned her neck to kiss Neo once more, he knew dreams really do come true.
A/N: Holy smokes. What a long chapter. My fingers hurt. But I am really proud of this one! I hope you all enjoyed; please leave a review! Now I just gotta figure out what happens next….. :D