Behind the Scenes - 9
A/N: Be warned, no fluff here. It gets pretty dark, but it's necessary. Hope you enjoy!
Neo awoke with a start, inhaling deeply, quickly, like he couldn't possibly suck enough air into his lungs. His chest was burning, like he had been holding his breath; like the life that had left Trinity's eyes in his dream had actually caused his heart to stop beating in reality, too.
The sudden movement jolted Trinity awake as she felt Neo suddenly sit up, chest heaving. She reached a hand up to stroke his back and used the other hand to rub the sleep from her eyes.
"Neo…? You okay?" she asked groggily. "Was it a bad dream?"
Neo's head swam and he gulped a few times before finally feeling his voice return. "Yeah… just a dream…" he muttered. As his heart slowed and his breathing became less ragged, he closed his eyes and tried desperately to unsee what he had just seen. What the hell was that? Why did I dream that? It felt so… real…
Trinity sat up and moved her hand from Neo's back to the far side of his face, tilting it so he would look at her. His eyes opened and she could see they were swimming with tears and anxiety. "Do you want to talk about it?" she asked gently.
He shook his head. "No. It was just a dream. I just… I'm going to go get some water and then I'll come back to bed." Without waiting for a response from her, he scooted down and off the bed before yanking open the door and stepping out. She was going to remind him to put on some clothes, as he was only in a t-shirt and boxers, but he was gone before she could mention it.
Neo walked down the hallway and into the kitchen, immediately regretting not putting any socks or pants on. The ship was freezing and it wasn't long before Neo's exposed skin was covered in goosebumps. But it was too late now.
He reached the sink, grabbed a cup from the cupboard and filled it almost to the brim. He tilted his head back and gulped down the lukewarm water. It soothed his aching throat. When he was done, he took another deep breath before turning on the faucet and splashing water on his face. He couldn't get that image out of his mind. He tried to picture anything else: Trinity laughing, Trinity naked, Trinity scolding him, as she had done earlier that day, but nothing helped erase the vacant look in her eyes as she fell to her death.
Back in their cabin, Trinity considered going after him. She had never seen him upset like this before. She was a bit frightened, if she was being honest, because Neo was normally such an easy going guy. Whatever he had seen had really freaked him out, and she wondered what it could have been. Her thoughts were interrupted, however, by Neo's return.
After only a few minutes of being gone, he silently crept back into their cabin, shutting the door behind him. Trinity waited until he had crawled back into bed and gotten adjusted before asking, "Is everything okay?"
Neo nodded. "Everything's fine. I'm sorry I woke you. Go back to sleep," he tried to assure her. She wasn't convinced.
"I've never seen you react like that to a dream. Are you sure you're okay? I'm a good listener if you want to talk about it."
"No, it's okay. I don't remember much of it anyway," he lied. "I just want to hold you and go back to bed. Okay?"
She paused for a moment before nodding her compliance. "Okay."
They settled back into their original positions; Neo's chest pressed against Trinity's back, his arm draped over her ribcage. But this time, she felt the shift in his body language. He was pulling her to him tightly, like he was hanging on for dear life. Which, Neo supposed, he was. But Trinity respected Neo's wishes and decided not to ask a third time. He clearly did not want to talk about it. Besides, she figured, it was just one dream - he will be over it in no time.
Weeks passed without any more nightly interruptions, Trinity was pleased to note. Neo didn't sleep as much as he had before, but she was glad whatever had happened only seemed to have happened the one time. Occasionally she would wake up in the middle of the night, roll over and find Neo watching her lazily, but she just chalked it up to him being as in love with her as she was with him. They would simply kiss for a few moments before she would smile to herself and settle back down. She didn't know that Neo was purposely avoiding sleep as much as he could, in fear of the dream returning.
Eventually though, even Neo had started to forget details about the dream and chalked it up to a one-time thing. That is, until one night three months after his first trip to Zion. They had just helped save a young man named Michael who Neo had called "Kid." Truly, Kid had saved himself, but Neo's brief interference had made it possible for Kid to release himself from the matrix. At first he thought Kid's enthusiastic appreciation was endearing, but soon it became downright annoying, and Neo was glad to leave Kid behind in Zion. All Neo had wanted to do was have alone time with Trinity in their apartment but Kid wanted to follow him around everywhere, oblivious of Neo and Trinity's signals. They had planned to not leave their apartment in the two days they spent docked in Zion, but Neo was slightly afraid Kid would come knocking at their door at any moment.
On that first night back in Zion however, the dream returned in full force. Neo awoke the same way he had before, only this time he was covered in sweat and shaking from head to toe. It had somehow seemed more real this time than it had before, too, which confused and frightened him. It took even longer for Trinity to calm him down, and Neo still did not want to talk about it. This left Trinity slightly annoyed. How was she supposed to help him if he wouldn't open up to her?
She eventually fell back asleep long before Neo did. He had snuggled up to her, pressing their bodies as close together as he could. They fit together like two matching puzzle pieces, and Trinity couldn't help herself. His warmth lulled her, and his smell put her at ease. She had wanted to stay up with him, showing her full support and hoping it would convince him to open up, but their earlier 'activities' had worn her out and she had no energy left to fight against the pull of a deep sleep.
Neo didn't mind. He was glad, actually. He just watched her for hours, contemplating what all this meant, and wondering if the torture would ever end.
Another few weeks went by, and the dreams became more and more frequent - each one the exact same, down to the smallest of details. Neo had started to train his body to sleep as little as possible, surviving on only a few hours a night. He knew it wasn't healthy but it was the only thing he could think of to do, to fight against whatever it was that was happening to him.
He knew he should tell Trinity what he saw, but he couldn't bring himself to say the words out loud. He could feel her anguish everytime he woke her up, or anytime she figured out he had had the same dream again. She was gentle with him each time and would rub his back, careful to show that she was there for him but also give him some space to process. He couldn't decide how he felt about this; he loved her so much and was grateful for her presence and support, but he knew he was only causing her pain and worry each time she tried to comfort him.
Trinity was desperate to know what he was seeing, and always asked him gently to tell her. But he just couldn't, and the agitation she experienced at first only grew to hopelessness the more this vicious cycle went on. To cope with this, he started sleeping further away from her on the bed, hoping that if he had the dream, he would be far enough away that he wouldn't startle her. In a way, he also hoped this would hide the frequency of the dream from her, too. He would wait until she fell asleep, and then would disentangle himself from her and roll over, desperately missing her each time he did so. Trinity would sometimes wake up in the middle of the night feeling despondent and lonely without the feel of his body pressed against hers. She wasn't stupid though, she knew what he was trying to do, and it didn't make her any less worried about him. Truly, she was at a loss - she couldn't make him tell her, because if she picked a fight with him she knew it would only make the situation worse. But she couldn't keep pretending that everything was okay, either.
Yes, they were saving more people than ever before, and yes, Neo was practically a machine while in the matrix. However, dark circles had grown under Neo's eyes, though she doubted he noticed or cared. He took on more shifts than even Morpheus. He had grown almost obsessed with scouring the matrix for new people to unplug and Trinity could feel his desperation for her growing, despite her gnawing fear that someday he might pull away entirely like he did each night, thinking she didn't notice. When they made love, for example, Neo would kiss every inch of her body and hold her to him so tightly, it was as if he thought she would float away if he wasn't there to anchor her. He held her hand any chance he got, and he never left her side while they were in the matrix. If it were anyone else, she would call them 'clingy,' but she secretly loved the attention he had been giving her and didn't mind one bit that he seemed unable to leave her side most days. Even when he was on a shift, he would go looking for her from time to time, just to make sure she was okay. She was still incredibly worried about him, but she knew for now there was nothing she could do.
Soon enough though, everything changed, and worrying about Neo's dreams got put on the back burner. It started off as a normal day, until they were swarmed by sentinels. They were able to shut everything down before launching the EMP, but when they came back online, something was wrong. There was a damaged connection that must have been lost when one of the sentinels crashed into the outside of the ship. Given that he was the one technically on shift at the time, Tank was the one to run the diagnostics in the Core. He found the problem, something that could only be fixed from outside, and decided to head out and fix it. He grabbed an electrical ray gun and lowered the ramp before walking outside, careful to scan his surroundings. He quickly found the problem, replaced the wiring, and had begun to close the panel door back when he heard movement behind him. A smaller sentinel that had been outside the blast radius had snuck up on Tank. He panicked and shot his gun, but it was too late. The sentinel impaled him before the shock was able to shut it down completely.
The noise and bright light startled Neo, Trinity, and Morpheus, who were all still sitting in the cockpit. They didn't know Tank had left the ship, as it was against protocol to go alone. They thought he was still in the Core running diagnostics. Panicked, they all rushed downstairs, grabbing guns of their own before heading down the same ramp. What they saw took their breath away. Tank had a sentinel arm protruding from his sternum and life was completely gone from his open eyes. The sentinel was dead too, and they lay side by side next to the ship.
The scream that emerged from Trinity was otherworldly. She rushed forward, wrenching the metallic tube from Tank's chest. She sobbed hysterically as she laid her hand on the side of Tank's face before strong hands gripped her shoulders almost painfully. Morpheus picked her up, pulling her back into the ship. The noise she had made could possibly draw more sentinels their way and Morpheus had to put his own grief aside and get the three of them to safety. He signaled at Neo to bring Tank's body inside. Neo obliged, trying as hard as he could not to vomit while doing so.
The next hour passed by in a total blur to Neo. Trinity was crying hysterically - he had never seen her this way and it scared him. He was tasked with calming her down while Morpheus booked it back to Zion. They were only a day's ride away. His heart was hammering as he piloted them through the tunnels, and tears blurred his eyes. Regret slammed into him– would this have happened if he had only hired more crew members? His hands shook and fingers went numb as he desperately tried to steady his heart and focus his mind. But it was no use. He cried silently to himself as they rocketed through the tunnels.
Meanwhile, Neo had to focus on Trinity. She had finally stopped crying and demanded to see Tank. Neo wouldn't let her. "There's nothing you can do for him, Trin," he tried to tell her, keeping his voice low and steady.
"You think I don't know that, Neo?" she shouted. Her grief had been overtaken by rage. Neo couldn't decide which emotion he preferred at this point. "What the actual fuck was he thinking, going out there alone? He knows protocol, he knows it's dangerous!"
Neo just nodded, not knowing what to say. They were in their cabin; she was pacing the small room and Neo was sitting on the edge of the bed. He hadn't known where else to take her when she was screaming initially. She kept ricocheting from emotion to emotion, faster than Neo knew how to keep up with. One minute she was sobbing, the next she was angry, and sometimes she would even look numb and disengaged from reality. Neo was having a hard time with his own emotions, too. But mostly he felt shock. He couldn't believe where this day had taken them.
Finally, Trinity stopped pacing. She sat down next to Neo, brows furrowed and eyes red. "Why did he do this?" she asked softly, the fight having left her moments ago. Tears finally sprang to Neo's eyes at this question; she sounded so innocent and scared. His heart broke for her and his eyes burned as he held back his tears. She had lost enough, and God, Tank's family had lost enough at this point. Why did this have to happen?
He didn't know what to say, so he opened his arms and pulled her into his lap, squeezing her tightly. She wrapped her arms around his shoulder before whispering, "he was my friend, Neo." The dam broke, and Neo began to sob.
Upon arrival in Zion, Neo realized he hadn't slept in almost 36 hours. He was solely focused on Trinity, and Morpheus was solely focused on Tank. Morpheus had been sure to radio ahead, letting the council know what happened, and they were expecting them when the Neb arrived. A council member had told Tank's family what happened, and Morpheus was grateful he didn't have to be the one to do it. He didn't think he could do it. Despite his serious and strong demeanor, he always dreaded these conversations with his crew's loved ones, and it never got any easier having to deliver this kind of news. It was the thing he had nightmares of, and now he was living it. He could just imagine Zee's face and he cringed inwardly to himself. It was going to be a rough few days.
Luckily, the same crew that had escorted Mouse, Dozer, Switch, Apoc, and Cypher's bodies off the Neb came and collected Tank, too. Trinity, Morpheus, and Neo exited the Neb all feeling like their hearts had shriveled up inside their bodies. Wordlessly, Trinity and Neo walked numbly to their apartment, as Morpheus had told them an hour ago that he would handle the rest. They ignored the stares, and Neo ignored the awe that people seemed to always aim his way when they docked.
Upon arrival at their apartment, Trinity collapsed in their bed and curled into a ball before falling asleep. Neo wasn't so lucky. He was bordering on 40 hours when he finally decided he couldn't take it anymore and laid down next to Trinity. This bed was much bigger than they were used to, but dreams be damned, he needed her as close to him as possible. He molded himself around her back and within moments, he was fast asleep, too.
A few days passed before Tank's funeral. Trinity hadn't wanted to leave the apartment. Neo had been the one to go downstairs and get them food. The only way he could convince her to even shower was to pull her into the shower with him, so he could wash her hair and body for her. She just stood there, accepting the help, but not doing much to take control of anything else. Neo had never been so terrified in his life, including the first time he had the dream. This was real, and as far as he knew, the dream was not. He had never seen Trinity this way, even with the loss of so many of her friends almost five months ago. He assumed it was because this was the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak; that it was the proverbial final nail in the coffin. But Trinity wouldn't speak about it, so he couldn't say for sure. He knew her and Tank were close, but he didn't understand why this reaction was so different than losing 5 people at once.
He hoped after the funeral, once she got the chance to say goodbye, that she would start to feel a little better. He couldn't stand seeing her like this; it broke his heart.
As they got dressed to attend Tank's funeral, Trinity did something sudden and unexpected. She walked over to Neo, put her hands on either side of his face, and kissed him like she was starving and he was a platter of all the best matrix foods. Her tongue roamed his mouth and her fingernails scraped his scalp, and Neo was just along for the ride. He had no idea what had overtaken her but he wasn't complaining. This is the most affection he'd gotten from her in days and he wasn't used to going so long without it. He felt starved too, and it wasn't long before the clothes they had just donned were now strewn around the room.
After ten minutes of passionate love-making, they lay panting on the floor, having been unable to even make it to the bed. Neo was satisfied, but extremely confused at Trinity's drastic change in behavior. But he didn't ask. He just watched her as she stood up, put her clothes back on, brushed her hair, and put on her shoes. She looked down at him expectantly, waiting for him to do the same, but he felt glued to the spot.
His curiosity finally won out, he couldn't help it. "What just happened?" he asked her, hoping the question didn't set her off.
Her response was almost as unexpected as the activity itself had been. She laughed. "Well Neo, if you need me to explain what sex is to you, then we've got a problem."
His jaw dropped, but she didn't pay him any mind. She simply gathered up his clothes for him and handed them to him. He stood up and finished getting dressed before he could finally come up with a retort.
"You know I know what sex is, Trinity. You also know that wasn't what I meant. You've been catatonic for four days and now you jump me before our friend's funeral?"
She shrugged noncommittally. "So?"
His eyebrows shot up. "SO!? Don't you think it's time you finally talk to me? About how you feel or what you're thinking or something?"
She shrugged again, this time not saying anything.
"Trin, I love you more than anything in the world and I know you've been hurting the last few days. I just want to be there for you, like how you're there for me."
A dark look passed over Trinity's face. She flung out a response before her brain even had time to process it, and she regretted it immediately. "Sucks not having your partner open up to you, doesn't it?"
Neo reared back like she had slapped him. They stood in silence for a moment, panic evident in Trinity's eyes.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean that," she said just above a whisper. She reached for him but he stepped back again.
"Yes, you did."
"Okay fine, maybe I did, but I didn't mean to say it like that," she conceded.
"Okay then, how did you mean to say it?" He sat down on the edge of the bed. She stood in front of him, wringing her hands in discomfort.
"You just… you've been having these dreams for a while now and you won't tell me what you see. I don't know why. Do you not trust me?"
Neo scoffed. "Of course I trust you. I trust you more than anyone I've ever known."
"Then why won't you tell me? I've tried being patient but I'm just so worried about you. I know you're not sleeping. You are a terrible liar and I can see it in your eyes how exhausted you are all the time. Sometimes I wake up and you're not there, and not only that but you're always awake before I am... You can't keep living like this."
"Trinity, I can trust you and still not want to talk about the dreams. They're not mutually exclusive. Besides, I don't remember much after I wake up; they're just images," he lied and hoped she wouldn't notice. If she did, she didn't let on.
"You're breaking your promise though." Trinity said sadly, finally deciding to sit next to Neo on the bed.
"What promise?" he asked, genuinely confused.
Trinity looked into his eyes. Hers were full of sorrow and worry. He could barely look at them before having to look away. "When we were in Zion together the first time, we talked. A lot. About our fears and insecurities."
"I remember."
"Well, we made each other a promise to always be honest with each other. I likened it to a vow. Do you remember that?"
Neo nodded. She had a point.
"Well, you aren't being honest with me, so you're breaking your promise."
But Neo shook his head softly. "I'm not telling you what the dreams are because I don't want to talk about it and speak it out loud. It's something that scares me and I don't want to burden you with it. That isn't the same as being dishonest, it's making a choice. A choice I hoped you would understand."
Now it was Trinity's turn to feel the shame and guilt that Neo normally felt during their arguments. This time it was he who had a point.
"I do understand. I just hate what this has done to us. I feel like it's causing a divide - a wall."
"But Trin, I somehow love you more now than I ever have. We fit together like two halves of one whole and I would never do something to cause you any pain. But please, you have to give me space on this. I'm begging you to drop it. Trust that I have my reasons and leave it alone. I promise you, there is no wall."
Trinity contemplated and bit her lip. She hadn't intended on having this argument right now, when they were almost late for the funeral. She also hated to admit it but Neo had made his point. Just because they were 'two halves' didn't mean he had to tell her everything. She was just used to him telling her everything. But that didn't entitle her to all his thoughts and emotions all the time.
She nodded her assent, and kissed his lips gently in surrender.
Neo exhaled, letting go the breath he didn't realize he had been holding. "Thank you. I will tell you everything when I'm ready, okay?" He cupped her cheek with his hand, and she nodded again. "You ready to go?"
"Yeah."
"Okay, let's go. It's time to say goodbye."
At the funeral, Morpheus asked Neo and Trinity to meet him for dinner the next evening at 7:00 in the dining facility. They hadn't spoken in a few days and Trinity assumed it was going to be time to formulate a plan moving forward, now that Tank was gone.
She was right, as usual. Her and Neo arrived at dinner that evening and saw Morpheus sitting with Link, Tank's brother-in-law. This intrigued Neo but not Trinity. She felt her stomach flip at the sight of him and instantly knew what Morpheus was going to suggest. She mentally prepared every possible reason to say no once her and Neo sat down at the table. Morpheus had already gotten them food, and Neo dug in right away.
"Thanks for coming, Trinity, Neo. As I'm sure you remember, this is Link. He just finished his training and he is going to be our new operator, effective immediately."
Neo smiled politely and nodded, hand reaching out to shake Link's. Trinity froze, all her prepared arguments fleeing her brain.
"But sir…" she began, worry leaking into her voice. But Link actually was the one to cut in.
"I know what you're thinking, Trinity. I know I'm new at this, but I finished top in my class. I'll do a good job, I can assure you."
But Trinity shook her head, trying to find her voice again. She didn't want to say the wrong thing like she had done earlier with Neo. "It's not that, I'm sure you would be an excellent operator. I just don't know about you serving that role on the Nebuchadnezzar…" She eyed Morpheus, silently begging him to understand.
But all three men looked confused at her words, not understanding her implications. She sighed, trying again to explain. "I say that because your family has lost two members on our ship. I can't imagine Zee would want you to risk your life, too."
Finally understanding dawned on everyone, and Trinity sighed in relief, thinking they would listen to her.
"I get what ya mean, but Zee understands - this is my career. And you're working with the One. There's no other ship I'd wanna be on, plus, you're the only one with an opening right now. I loved Tank too. He was like an actual brother, not just by marriage, but he would want me to have this opportunity to help. I know you guys need it. Just give me a chance, I know you won't regret it."
Trinity was flabbergasted. Had he not heard a word she said?!
"Link, with all due respect, it's not going to be us who regrets it. It would be you, if being with us got you killed. Would you want to do that to Zee?"
Morpheus opened his mouth as if to say something to calm the tension, but Link had a retort ready. "She is my wife, and I am certain she understands what I'm trying to do here. I'm not going to get killed, but even if I did, we're all at war. People die all the time. If I was on another ship I could get killed there too." He directed his gaze at Neo. "Look, you need an operator or you can't do what you need to do to end this war in the first place."
Neo looked at Trinity, mouth scrunched up in resignation. "He's right," he told her. She pursed her lips and looked from Neo to Morpheus, and back to Neo again. They were imploring her to acquiesce, and she knew a losing battle when she saw one.
"Fine. But you better be extremely careful and follow all protocols. They're in place for a reason. Just ask Tank what happens when you don't follow them." Her last sentence came out more harsh than she intended, but Link didn't take it personally. He knew it was coming from a good place. He knew she was tired of losing people, too.
That night, after their dinner and subsequent showers, Neo and Trinity were cuddled up together in bed. Trinity's mind was buzzing. Her thoughts were racing faster than she could keep track of. She wondered whether all this was worth it still - whether risking their lives to go into the matrix and free people was even necessary at this point. She wondered what would happen to change the tides of this war, and when. She wondered if Link was doing the right thing by joining them, or dooming himself to the same cursed fate as the rest of the prior crew. But most of all, she wondered what would happen to Neo.
His lack of sleep was bound to make him make a mistake sooner rather than later. She was terrified to lose him and hoped to God his exhaustion didn't lead to his downfall. If she was being truly honest with herself, she wondered if she wasn't actively losing him already; if some chain of events hadn't already been put in motion somehow that would lead to their permanent separation. She squeezed her hands together, willing the universe to spare them somehow, and knowing deep down that that was impossible. She didn't know what would happen exactly, but she knew by now deep in her soul that there was no way they'd be spared.
Suddenly, an idea occurred to Trinity. She ruminated on it a few minutes, working out the details, before finally feeling satisfied. Tomorrow, she would talk to Morpheus about her plan and once they were on the Neb, she would find a way to put it into action.
She was going to pay the Oracle a visit. And she was going to find a way to save Neo.
A/N: As always, if you feel so inclined, please leave a review! Thank you!