Behind the Scenes - 16

A/N: Thanks so much to everyone who is continuing to review. I really love hearing the feedback, and it helps break me out of my writer's block. This is the last chapter of movie 3, and then onto movie 4 and ~unlimited~ possibilities. :-) (Also, sorry this is long overdue. I've really struggled with this chapter - I am not a fan of such angst).

Trinity couldn't decide what to pack. Was packing even really necessary? She held a bag open in front of her, but she could only stare down at it, resenting its emptiness. Of course, it wasn't the bag's fault it was empty. Nor was it her fault she was even trying to pack it at all. After all, did she really have a choice in the matter? She supposed maybe she did. But she didn't, not really. Where Neo was concerned, nothing was really a choice anymore; but she was okay with that.

After Niobe gave up her ship, Trinity had left Neo behind and found her way to the small room they'd given her. She'd barely even needed it, seeing as though she'd spent her first few hours with Neo in the medbay. She'd really only been shown the room, and that had been it. And now here she was. She wondered if the clothes stacked neatly on a shelf in the corner had been Maggie's. She also wondered if she was even going to need a change of clothes for this trip, because really - how long were they going to be gone? She was purposely avoiding the more pertinent question: Were they ever going to come back?

She knew the answer, deep down, but refused to even let herself think it. So, she would pack a bag. This would show Neo her optimism, even if it did nothing to belie her fear. She packed one outfit. Yep. That was all she could muster. She didn't even have belongings here, so really, what else was there? She figured if she needed any self-care items, they'd be on Niobe's ship. Right? Sure. That was going to be her reasoning for not bringing more.

Ten minutes passed, and Trinity found herself sitting on the edge of the bed trying to lace up her boots. She was staring into space, and for a moment she wondered if she had done what Neo had done and jacked into the matrix without the use of the probe or technology. She couldn't explain it, but a life she never got to live was flashing before her eyes.

Neo pushing a dark haired, giggling girl on a swingset.

Her helping a boy with hair sticking up in the front with his homework.

Them drinking wine and taking a bubble bath together.

Her snapping photos of the trio in front of the Eiffel Tower, Neo with his arms around either child.

Neo with a goofy grin as a little grey kitten licked the side of his face.

How could she miss something so badly that she never even had? Why was this family unit taunting her? And why were all of these images from her imagination so clearly from a life in the matrix? She never wanted to go back there. And hell, she knew she never could even if she wanted to. So why did she seem to yearn for things she would never have, even if they weren't about to head off to the Machine City?

She didn't understand why she felt like she was grieving. It's not like any of that was real. It wasn't like her and Neo had even discussed having children to begin with. She shook her head. All of it was ridiculous, Trinity decided. She needed to shake it off; there was work to be done. Whether Neo liked it or not, they were in this together, and she couldn't let him down.

So she finished lacing up her boots, slung her bag over her shoulder, took one deep, shuddering breath, and proceeded to try and find Neo.

She found him in the room that had been given to him upon their arrival, but like her, he'd never even slept in it. She assumed this is where he'd gone off to, when he had needed to think. He seemed almost lost in thought, even now. When she stepped into the room, he gave her a questioning glance, and she didn't miss the way his eyes darted from her face to her bag and back again.

"I'm ready," she said, trying to sound confident. Her false bravado sounded wrong even to her own ears. Her wavering voice was already giving too much away.

"Trinity… There's something I have to say. Something you need to understand. I know I'm supposed to go, but beyond that… I don't know… I…" She saw him put his bag down as he stumbled over his words. At least he had pretended to need a packed bag, too.

"I know. You don't think you're coming back," she said as matter-of-factly as she could muster. She stared at his chest, feeling unable, for a moment, to meet his eyes. "I knew it the moment you said you had to leave." She decided to be brave. She looked into his eyes, and saw sadness awaiting her, just like she knew there'd be. "I could see it in your face. Just like you knew the moment you looked at me that I was coming with you." Surprisingly, he didn't try to challenge her. He merely pursed his lips, knowing he didn't have any fight left in him.

"I'm scared, Trin." Though she knew he was, she could tell, she hadn't expected him to say it so brazenly.

"So am I. It took me ten minutes to buckle up one boot." (And imagine the family we could have had, but never will). "But I'll tell you something. Six hours ago, I told the Merovingian I was ready to give anything and everything for you." Neo swallowed, remembering the anxiety he'd felt as she had told him her story. "Do you know what's changed in the last six hours?"

"No," Neo said softly. But he knew what she was going to say.

"Nothing." Neo felt the stinging of tears forming in the backs of his eyes. He didn't want to lose it - not here, not now. So he gritted his teeth and swallowed again before leaning in to kiss Trinity. He needed to feel the warmth of her skin, and know that for now at least, everything was still okay.

Her kiss was tender and warm, and ignited Neo's blood just like it always did. When he pulled her against him, he realized they were both trembling. So he hugged her tighter, using his right hand to stroke her back and his left to cup the back of her head. His nose was pressed into her neck and he breathed in her scent, trying to commit it to memory. She fisted the bottom of his sweater in her hands, gripping tightly, and laid her head on his shoulder. They stood this way for several minutes, not knowing when they'd be able to hold one another again like this.

He should have felt lucky to have such a supportive partner. But instead, he only felt fear for her safety and guilt for dragging her down with him. He knew there was no convincing her to stay behind. If he were in her shoes, he certainly wouldn't allow it either. So he tried his best to remain positive and grateful for her devotion and loyalty. Even if it felt forced, it still reminded him of how loved he was, which is a feeling he was determined to cling to for as long as he could.

Gently, Trinity disentangled herself from Neo. She brought her hands to his face, stroking lovingly. She looked into his warm brown eyes, and saw his love for her radiating there. For a moment, she thought that if she were to kiss him, perhaps she would be unable to stop. But she also realized that she hardly cared, and pulled his face to hers. It was as if she was drowning and he was her only source of oxygen. She tasted his tongue with hers and ran her fingers through his hair. He matched her in kind, and nipped at her bottom lip. It was passion and desperation, fear and joy, and all of their unexpressed words of love for one another brought to light. They both refused to allow their tears to fall, forcing them back and locking the doors up tight. Now was not the time to fall apart. If they did, they might not be able to pull themselves back together again.

After what felt like hours, they finally pulled away. Their hearts were hammering in their chests and they felt dizzy from both the lack of oxygen and their blood pooling in other regions of their bodies. Reluctantly, Trinity let go of Neo and smoothed down her hair. She chuckled nervously, and licked her now-numb lips. Their eyes were locked together; neither truly wanted to move, but they knew the time had come. Without another word, they picked up their bags and left the cabin.

They found Morpheus and Link waiting for them. Trinity hugged Link goodbye first, though according to Link, he wasn't 'saying goodbye,' and instead was only saying 'good luck.' Trinity liked that. It felt less… final. Link then shook Neo's hand, not knowing what else to say.

Morpheus pulled Trinity off to the side, away from Link and Neo. His grasp on her elbow was light, but she could feel his hand trembling. For a moment, they only looked at one another. Neither knew what to say, and neither had the courage to speak, lest they risk falling apart completely. So Trinity wrapped her arms around Morpheus's shoulders and he wrapped his around her back, squeezing her tightly. Morpheus knew it was likely unprofessional, this blatant display of affection, but he couldn't help it. He was terrified he would never see her again; this woman who had become so like a daughter to him, he could barely imagine a life without her in it.

Trinity's throat felt closed off, like she'd swallowed a cotton ball. Despite her best efforts, a tear escaped her eye and she hastily brushed it away. When she pulled free of his grasp, Morpheus looked like he wanted to speak, but Trinity shook her head resolutely. She refused to say goodbye to him. He sighed, nodded, and put a hand on her shoulder. He squeezed, and she knew everything he was trying to say: I love you; You can do this; Take care; I'll see you soon.

When Morpheus approached Neo, he had regained some of his composure, though he certainly felt no better sending Neo off than he did Trinity. He said, "I can only hope you know what you're doing," and he meant it. He was putting all his faith and trust into this mission, and everything depended on this working.

"Me too," Neo replied. "It was an honor, sir." He shook Morpheus' hand.

But Morpheus shook his head, frowning slightly. "No, the honor is still mine." And he embraced his friend.

The elevator door closed and Trinity's breath caught in her throat. She felt the corner of her eye twitch.

"This feels familiar," Neo tried to joke. Trinity turned her head to look at him, a question in her eyes. "You know. Elevators. Bags over our shoulders. Like all the times we came to Zion. Or left it, for that matter." He was nervous. Trinity could tell.

"If only…" she murmured. She gave his hand a reassuring squeeze. They both needed it.

She wondered what would happen to their apartment. After.

Trinity's legs felt like jello as they exited the Hammer. Her palms were sweaty, and she was worried for Neo. She couldn't fathom the kind of burden he felt in this moment, and she hoped he was managing okay, all joking aside. She hardly was, and she wasn't even essential to the mission. They walked to the Logos, and she had to mentally keep telling herself to just put one foot in front of the other. As they boarded, Trinity ignored the sense of impending doom weighing on her heart and pulled down the mask of the Ice Queen. She hardened her heart, steeled her resolve, and prepared for the worst.

Just one thing at a time. You can do this, she told herself.

Neo's heartbeat was erratic, but his mind was fairly calm. He had made peace with his destiny; he just hoped Trinity would be able to make it out of there unscathed. He was trying to piece together some semblance of a plan as they walked to the Logos but he didn't know what to expect when they arrived in the Machine City. They boarded, and he set down his bag by the entrance, not even bothering to bring it to one of the cabins. It didn't matter, and he knew it. Trinity saw him drop his bag and she did the same. They eyed each other, and without another word, headed toward the cockpit.

Just one thing at a time. You can do this, he told himself.

The fight with Bane had come out of nowhere, and by the time it was all over, Trinity's mind was racing and her body was shaking. She reached up and felt the warm trickle of blood on her neck, cursing herself for letting him get so close.

She was pacing when she heard Neo shout for her. He opened the hatch door so she could come out. She could barely feel her numb fingers as she climbed. The first thing she noticed when she emerged was the chaos of the room around her - electricity flickering, broken pieces of metal strewn around. Then she saw Bane's body. She felt bad for him, at first, knowing he had had no control over himself. But when her eyes finally landed on Neo, all thoughts of Bane were forgotten.

His eyes.

She gasped. "Oh no, your eyes!" Trinity knelt down before him, analyzing the charred skin. He had to be in incredible pain, but he seemed to be taking it in stride. She ran her hands along his face as he rubbed her shoulders and back of her neck. Trinity felt so helpless, and it was not a feeling she was used to. But there was no taking charge here, no fixing this. The man she loved was permanently damaged and it was all her fault.

"I'll be okay," Neo reassured her. He hugged her tightly, and she was undone. She could feel fear overtaking her now. This was real. Too real. Too much. This wasn't the matrix. This was fucking permanent. "It's alright, Trin. But I think you're gonna have to drive," he tried to joke. It wasn't funny. She pulled him tighter, officially crossing the line into 'freaked-the-hell-out' territory. He gripped her back just as strongly as she gripped him. She breathed him in and squeezed her eyes shut. Too much, too much, too much…

After a moment, she pulled back and kissed him ever so gently on the lips. Then, she tugged off a strip of her sweater and with shaking fingers, she tied it around Neo's face. He winced as she worked, as the skin was sensitive to the touch. He could see vibrant light all around, and Trinity's essence was brilliant. He wanted to tell her, but he didn't know how. He was still adjusting to his new reality. So, he just waited for her to finish working, and soon enough she announced that she was done.

"Are you okay?" she asked delicately.

"Does it matter?" he replied, matching her tone.

"I don't know…" She supposed it did, because she cared for him, but it didn't, because it didn't change their mission.

"Me either," he admitted.

"I'm scared."

"Me too."

They sat together on the floor of the Logos, hands gripped tightly together. Neither wanted to move, but eventually Neo knew something had to give. They were running out of time.

"We have to go, Trinity."

She sighed. "I know." Begrudgingly, she stood, reaching down her hand to pull Neo up with her. She led him down the hallway and up to the cockpit. They buckled themselves back in and took off.

Neo didn't know what to say, and truthfully, neither did Trinity. She was flying as fast as she could while still maintaining safe control over the vessel. He didn't want to break her concentration, but he longed to hear her voice.

"I don't really have a plan…" he admitted, trying to be honest with her.

She nodded. "I figured. I mean, how could you? This has never been done. Ever."

She had a point. "I guess I just wanted to let you know," Neo said lamely.

"I know."

Neo waited a beat. "Thank you. For coming with me."

"Where else would I be?" She tried to smile. It didn't quite reach her eyes.

"You could be back with the others. Not flying off to God only knows what." Neo sighed.

"But then I wouldn't be with you. And clearly, you needed me."

"That's true. But still. You didn't have to come and you came anyway."

"I did have to come. We're in this together, Neo. You should know that by now."

He considered her words. As usual, she had a point. "Do you know how much I love you?" he asked, his voice just above a whisper. His voice came out broken and stilted, emotions getting the better of him.

Trinity sucked in a breath. "I do. But Neo, I really can't talk about that right now or else I could crash this ship. I'm barely holding it together as it is," Trinity whispered, eyes glazing over with tears.

Neo nodded, and they flew the rest of the way in silence.

After an hour, Neo spotted a landmark in the distance. "There, those mountains. That's it."

Trinity was confused. Neo had been blinded. How could he tell where they were? "Do you see what's out there?" she asked skeptically.

"Yes," he replied.

Trinity pursed her lips and straightened her spine. They had made it. "If you tell me we'll make it, I'll believe you." Would she, though?

"We'll make it," he assured her. He gripped her hand firmly in his. "We have to."

Trinity remembered her promise to Neo, whispered in the way only lovers do. It was a promise she had meant both figuratively and literally: to never let go. In this way she meant that she felt anchored to Neo, forever. Her life had changed permanently when he entered it and she would obviously, clearly, go to Hell and back for him. She couldn't say the words in fear of breaking down completely, so she squeezed his hand and poured all her love and strength into him, hoping he got the message.

He did.

As they flew through unknown, dangerous territory, she kept her grip on his hand.

As Neo exploded the bombs with his mind, she kept her grip on his hand.

As they climbed up, up, up into the real, actual, clear bright sky, she kept her grip on his hand.

They broke free of the clouds, and a brilliant azure sky stretched endlessly in front of them. The sun, bright and warm, lit up their faces like a spotlight and everything inside Trinity froze. Her mind cleared and her heart sang. She had never in her life ever seen anything as beautiful as the actual sky, or the way the sunlight streamed through the clouds, glittering across her field of vision.

It was electric in her blood. And for a brief moment, Trinity felt bliss.

"Beautiful…" she whispered. And then they began to descend. As they fell, Trinity arched her neck, desperate to cling to that perfect image and commit it to memory. But soon, it was obscured by darkness yet again. For a moment she wanted to laugh. After all, what better metaphor for her life than what she just experienced? Flawless beauty (her love for Neo) ruined by inescapable reality (this goddamn war).

She could feel her stomach rising as they fell, and her heart was hammering wildly against her ribcage.

"Pump the igniter. The ship will start," Neo ordered. She complied, but nothing happened. Her panic was rising, along with the contents of her stomach.

"Again, slowly…. Now!" Neo shouted, and she did as he said, and sure enough the engine started. But it was too late, it seemed. Trinity screamed as she tried to pull up the ship, but it was no use. They crashed into the side of a building, and everything changed.

Neo's body jolted as they crashed. He was deafened by the sounds of screeching, crunching metal and, horrifyingly, Trinity's scream, cut off by the sudden impact. He felt dazed and disoriented, but panic soon cut through the haze like a knife.

"Trin? Trinity? Trinity!?" Neo called, wondering why she was no longer right next to him.

"I'm here!" he heard her call to him. He breathed a sigh of relief, grateful she was alive.

He followed her voice, crawling on his hands and knees. The shards of debris bit into his palm, but he couldn't stand. Soon, he found her hand and gripped it tightly in his. "We made it."

"You said we would." Trinity felt nothing but pain, hot and throbbing, all over her body. But it was nothing compared to the pain she felt at leaving Neo behind; leaving him alone. She had known this could happen, but not like this. Her regret and guilt were insurmountable. Her grief washed over her, drowning her in sorrow.

"It's unbelievable, Trin. Light everywhere. Like the whole thing was built of light. I wish you could see what I see," Neo said, voice awed and humbled by the sight before him. Trinity watched him lovingly, longing desperately not to break his trance. She wondered how much time she had left before she bled out. She was terrified.

"You've already shown me so much." So, so, so much. You've shown me everything, Neo; Everything worth seeing.

"What is it, Trinity? What's wrong?" Neo could hear the pain behind her words; the way her voice caught, like it was fraying at the edges. He could tell something wasn't quite right.

"I can't go with you, Neo." She began to cry. "I've gone as far as I can." God fucking damnit. Why!?

"What?" Neo was confused. What was she talking about? She was here, with him, and she was talking to him. She was fine… wasn't she? He felt around her body, wondering what he was missing. He felt something thick and metallic protruding from her torso. "Oh, no. No no no no no!"

"It's alright. It's time. I've done all that I could do. Now you have to do the rest. You have to finish it. You have to save Zion." Trinity tried to convey her confidence in him, but she could hear that Neo had started to cry. The sound of it shattered her heart into a million pieces. She had never, ever been this irrevocably sad. Truly, neither had Neo.

"I can't. Not without you." He was begging her; begging anyone who was listening to let her live. He would do anything.

"Yes, you can! You will. I believe it. I always have." Neo was sobbing, he couldn't do this. He couldn't. Not without her. Tears were escaping down Trinity's face and melting into her hair. She was utterly heartbroken.

"Trinity…" Neo cupped her face. "Trinity, you can't die. You can't." She could barely see him. Her vision was darkening at the edges and her tears made him blurry. She needed to hurry. She didn't have much time left. Her fingers were already cold and numb.

"Yes, I can. You brought me back once. But not this time." He sobbed even harder and squeezed her hand. "Do you remember? On that roof, after you caught me…The last thing I said to you?"

"You said, 'I'm sorry.'"

"I wish I hadn't. That was my last thought. I wished I had one more chance to say what really mattered. To say how much I loved you. How grateful I was for every moment I was with you. But by the time I knew how to say what I wanted to, it was too late. But you brought me back. You gave me my wish. One more chance to say what I really wanted to say." She paused, before asking for the thing she craved most in this world: his lips on hers. "Kiss me. Once more. Kiss me." And he did. It was firm, and sweet, but coated in sorrow and pain. Neo had never felt this pain in his entire life. He felt like his insides were being torn to shreds, and the longer he kissed her, the more desperately he clung, trying to breathe his own life force into her body.

Until.

Her hand loosened in his. She did what she promised she'd never do. She let go.

Neo cupped her face gently, and sobbed.

It took Neo ten minutes to compose himself long enough to stand. When he left her, her body was still warm. He, however, felt nothing. Everything felt hazy, like he was walking through a dream. But he finally knew what he had to do. He leveraged the only thing he could think of: Smith for Zion.

He didn't even flinch as he was plugged in. He felt numb as he fought his greatest enemy.

When he thought he was really down for good, he saw her face. She was smiling in awe and wonder at the sun and sky. She was aglow. And she was beautiful.

"Why, Mr. Anderson?" Smith screamed. "Why do you persist?"

Neo pictured Trinity's shy smile; heard the sound of her laughter in his ears. She was his sun and his sky. She was why Neo did this. She was why he had the strength to save Zion.

Her love made him brave.

Neo focused on the menacing grimace before him. But he didn't flInch. The answer to Smith's question was actually quite simple. "Because I choose to."

And Neo meant it. For once, he felt completely at peace. Everything he had done, everything he had been through, had been leading him to this moment.

"You were right, Smith. It was inevitable." And he allowed himself to be replicated. He supposed he knew all along he would have to give his life for Zion, and Neo did; willingly and with the conviction of someone in love.

He felt the life leave his body, and as it did, he pictured her face.

And for some reason he couldn't explain, Neo smelled coffee.

A/N: Whew… I am drained. So Sad. :-( I hope you all enjoyed it and if so, please leave a review! You guys keep me going!