Chapter 19: Rambling Louds

At the Loud house, Lincoln and his friends are watching an episode of ARRGH (Academy Of Really Good Ghost Hunters) in the living room.

"Salami, baloney, and pumpernickel loaf." Hunter Spector said, trying to summon ghosts using a crystal ball. "Listen up, you spirits of the Underworld!"

"Ah think he's angered the spirits." Liam said worried. "As it is a travesty to mix salami and baloney."

"Enter, oh spirits of the Underworld!" Hunter Spector summoned. Then a "ghost" showed up. It was actually a man dangling from a rope who was covered in flour.

"There it is!" Clyde said.

"It's so repulsive." Zach said.

"Oh come on, it's obviously a man covered in flour." Lincoln said.

"I am a little teapot short and stout!" The ghost man said. "This is my handle, this is my spout!"

Then more ghosts showed up. They surrounded Hunter Spector.

"Uh oh. Too many ghosts!" He cried.

"Look out!" Clyde said.

"Stay back! I have a ghost vacuum and I'm not afraid to use it!"

The boys watched the screen with suspense as the ghost hunter was about to take down the ghosts.

"Lincoln!" The boys got startled by Lola, who had just appeared.

"Geez, and I thought only Lucy could do that." Rusty said.

"What is it, Lola?" Lincoln asked.

"Come with me mister!" Lola dragged Lincoln upstairs to her room.

"Lola, I didn't clog the toilet this time." Lincoln said.

"It's not that! Look!" She pointed to the Ace Savvy underwear on her floor. "What's your underwear doing in my room?"

"I-I don't even know."

"Pick it up or I'll tell Mom!"

"Okay, okay!" Lincoln picked it up and left. Lana walked up to him.

"Wait Lincoln, can you put this in the fridge for me?" Lana gave him a moldy donut.

"Eww! You're planning on eating this?"

"You know me Lincoln. I'll eat moldy food. A little mold never did anything bad to me. Besides, you eat peanut butter and sauerkraut sandwiches."

Lincoln goes to the kitchen and puts the disgusting donut in the fridge. Then Lori shows up.

"Lincoln, I need you to clean the fridge." She said.

"But cleaning out the fridge was your chore."

"Not anymore. I've got plans with my friends."

"But-"

Then Lily showed up with her baby bottle. She babbled.

"Oh, you want some milk Lily? I'll get you some." He gets out the milk carton.

Then the other sisters showed up as they all had requests for their only brother. Lincoln's friends watched all this.

"It's times like this I'm glad I'm an only child." Clyde said.

"Why does Lincoln put up with them?" Rusty said. "This is pathetic. Lincoln should just tell them to-"

"Move it, ginger!" Lola said to Rusty. "Lincoln's got a lot of work to do."

She and the other sisters left the kitchen.

"Boy, I wouldn't want to be in his shoes." Lori said.

"They probably wouldn't fit you anyway." Leni replied.

"Well, I gotta go home now fellas." Liam said.

"Yeah, me too." Zach said.

"Ok, bye guys." Clyde said.

The farm boy and the redhead left the house. Rusty and Clyde looked in the kitchen and saw Lincoln baking a pie.

"What are you doing man?" Rusty said.

"Baking a pie for Luan." Lincoln replied. "She's preparing for a clown gig and doesn't have time to make one."

"If your sisters told you to read comics in your underwear out in public, would you?"

Lincoln thought about this.

"Rusty, family matters are best left to experts who deal with situations like-"

Rusty threw an egg at Clyde. He turned to Lincoln.

"Now if you had your own place, you wouldn't have to take orders from anyone. You'd be your own boss. Pretty cool, huh?

"Yeah." Lincoln said. "Sometimes, I dream about having my own place."

"Going out on one's own requires planning, Rusty." Clyde explained. "There's so much work involved that-"

"Relax Clyde, I'd help him pack." Rusty said.

"Ok, I'm convinced." Lincoln said.

"Wait, really?"

"Yep, but I'll just move out for a while. My parents wouldn't let me move out permanently at my young age."

"That's true." Rusty realized. "Ok Lincoln, let's get packing."

Lincoln had packed his luggage full of clothes, comics, action figures, and his stuffed animal Bun Bun. He went out the front door with Rusty following.

"So where do you wanna go, Lincoln?" Rusty asked.

"Wait Rusty, what about my sisters? How will they go on without me?"

"I already took care of it." Rusty said. On cue, Clyde came out wearing an orange polo shirt and jeans. He even dyed his hair white. "Clyde will be your replacement."

"I wasn't sure about this at first, but I figured I'd get to spend time with Lori." Clyde said as he stared dreamily.

"Well, good luck Clyde." Lincoln said.

"Think big Lincoln." Rusty said. "If you could live anywhere, where would it be?"

"In a mansion."

"Well, that's not gonna happen." Rusty said. "But I know just the place."

At Liam's barn, Liam was at his vegetable patch. He tasted the soil and then spit it out. "The soil has been leached. Papa's fermented spores will cure this plague."

Then Liam went to his shed. "Filthy animals don't belong in this shed!"

Liam saw his cow and Lincoln and Rusty.

"Hey Liam!" Lincoln and Rusty greeted.

"What are you guys doing here? Do you need milk?"

"No, you gotta help us Liam." Rusty said.

Lincoln explained. "You see Liam, I've decided to move out of my house to live an independent life and to get away from my sisters, and well, here we are."

Liam smiled. "Well, this is a brave thing you're doing, my white haired friend. Welcome to my home. Please make yourself at home as I couldn't sleep at night knowing you fellas are loose in the streets."

Liam left the shed.

"Liam sure is an upright fellow." Lincoln said.

"What a feeb." Rusty said.

"I'm going to unpack now." Lincoln unpacked his luggage.

"Did you bring sleeping bags?" Rusty asked.

"Oh, I had a feeling I forgot something." Lincoln said.

Outside, Liam was looking around his farm. "Hey, you two!" His pig and goat were eating in the vegetable patch. "Need I remind you, you're forbidden to eat in the vegetable patch?"

He dragged his pig and goat to a trough. Rusty pops out of it and startled Liam and the animals. He was naked and covered in food.

"Hi neighbor!" Rusty said.

"Why are you in the trough of food spoils?" Liam asked, a hint of annoyance in his voice.

"Oh, is that what this is? I thought it was some kind of bath."

"Don't frazzle me! And please don't contaminate the food as pigs eat from it!"

Soon, Liam went to do one of his chores. He threw a rope around a stump and tried to pull the stump loose. "May shower scum devour your head!"

Then he sees Rusty on the stump, laying in a chair and relaxing.

"Rusty."

"What's up, man?"

"Do you like being a guest at mah place and, you know, make lazy on mah stump?"

"Are you kidding? It's great."

Then Liam sees Lincoln riding on his cow.

"I'm a cowboy! Whoo hoo!"

"A burden has been placed on me." Liam said, as he started to regret letting his friends stay at his home.

Liam was driving a tractor as Lincoln was balancing objects on eggs, such as bricks and a bucket.

"Egg-ceptional!" Lincoln punned.

"Lincoln, what are you doing?" Liam asked.

"I'm running some tests I've learned from Lisa!" Lincoln explained. "You see, eggs can carry more than their own weight."

Liam wasn't paying attention to where he was going as he bumped into a rock. Then the tractor tipped over and Liam was flung into a stack of eggs, causing him to get covered in yolk and the eggs to scatter all over. Rusty came over.

"Wow Liam, you sure made a waste of perfectly good eggs."

Liam got up, now angry. "My patience is wearing thin like mama's head of hair!"

He dragged Rusty and Lincoln into the shed and threw them in. "You have the use of this shed and nothing more!" He left, slamming the door shut.

Later that day, Liam was doing another chore, he was cleaning the chicken coop. When Liam wasn't looking, Lincoln and Rusty sneaked into his house. They went and raided his kitchen fridge and got some food, then they went back to the shed. Liam came in wearing his pajamas. He went to grab something to eat in the fridge and saw most of the food was gone.

That night, Liam had lots of dishes to wash and was very tired. He stared out the window, looking at the moon. "The moon resembles half eaten cheese."

He finally got done and decided to get some sleep, so he went to his room. He opened the door and saw the boys in his bed.

"Turn out that light!" Rusty barked.

"Oh, sorry." Liam closed the door.

It's the next day and Liam is sleeping against his bedroom door, as he was too tired to care where he slept. He wakes up to the sound of beeping and sees smoke.

"Smoke?!" He runs to the kitchen and sees Rusty cooking breakfast. Rusty has made a bit of a mess.

"You haven't lived until you've tried one of my omelets." Rusty said.

"Good morning Liam." Lincoln came with an orange and a newspaper. "Fresh fruit and the morning paper to start the day?"

He handed him the said items. "Also, you're all out of toilet paper and soap."

Liam looked distressed.

"I need more ketchup for my eggs Liam, and some salt." Rusty said.

Liam snapped. "THE BURDEN OF HOSPITALITY IS TOO GREAT FOR LIAM!"

Liam's yelling was so loud it could be heard from another area in town as people heard it. Chandler was distracted by it and fell off his bike when he bumped into a hydrant. Back at the farm, Rusty and Lincoln were back in the shed. The shed was knocked over.

"One, two, three!" The boys made the shed stand up again.

"Let's do it again!" Rusty said. Lincoln and Rusty used their feet to kick down the shed. They laughed. Then the door was opened by an angry Liam, and he entered the shed.

"Having fun with my shed, boys?!"

"Is everything ok Liam?" Lincoln asked.

"You have broken the celery stalk off the back of a billy goat!" Liam rips off his shirt and charges at the boys.

"What did he say?" Rusty wondered.

"SHAKLAHAM!" Rusty attacked.

"Ok boys, how should you start the day?" Liam was relaxing on a chair, wearing shades and Lincoln and Rusty were stuck together by a saddle wrapped around their necks. "Oh, I know. You can start by-CLEANING MAH PIG PEN!"

The boys immediately get to work. Liam gave them more orders. "Also, you can get eggs from the chickens, get milk from the cow, mow the lawn, and then get a new plow for the tractor!"

"Boy, Liam sure is bossy." Rusty said.

Later that day, Liam was still relaxing in his chair. Lincoln and Rusty came back to him, tired and irritated. The saddle was off them.

"Ah boys, you're back. Did you get that substitute plow for the tractor? The one that won't be ready in time for the harvest?"

"Oh, that won't be a problem Liam." Lincoln said, irritated. He and Rusty smiled at each other. "We've found just the one."

"Well, Ah'll be darned!" Liam said, raising his shades. "Where?"

Lincoln and Rusty say nothing. They stare at Liam, eyes narrowed angrily at him. It takes Liam a few seconds to realize what plow Lincoln's referring to. He gulps and hops off the chair, slowly backing away. The white haired boy and the bushy haired ginger march towards Liam at the same pace.

"Um, boys?" Liam smiles nervously. "Ah think you're a bit overworked all of a sudden."

"Overworked? US?" Rusty's eye twitches. "We can practically go on from dawn till dusk!"

Liam increases speed on his legs, only to be matched by Lincoln and Rusty.

"Why don't y'all just...take a break?" The farm boy suggested.

"Are you kidding?" Lincoln said and he and Rusty tore off their shirts. "We're just getting WARMED UP!"

"Yeah, Ah...Ah can see that." Liam runs away.

"LIAM!" The boys leap at him. Balls of dust are seen billowing up from the left direction. The sounds of Liam's horrified, painful screams and Lincoln and Rusty's frenzied roars fill the air.