Chapter 23: Honor Thy Loud
We see an abandoned house, which looks haunted. Then we see Lincoln and his friends, Clyde and Zach at the Loud house across the street. They're sitting on the porch, eating tacos for lunch.
"Your Dad sure does make the best tacos, Lincoln." Clyde said.
"He's definitely the best chef I know." Zach commented.
"Thanks guys." Lincoln said. "What do you think of his hot sauce?"
Zach had gulped down some hot sauce from a bottle. "Hot sauce? More like weak sauce."
"It's not really hot at all." Clyde said.
"I don't believe this." Lincoln said and he took the hot sauce bottle. "This stuff is supposed to be a real gut burner."
He licked a bit of it. Then he noticed Clyde's face turning red as Clyde started sweating, then steam came out of his ears. Lincoln saw Zach's face turn red and he breathed fire. Now Lincoln's face was red and his hair tuft resembled a fuse, burning down to his head. A huge flame is seen in the neighborhood. The three boys run to a sprinkler and glop down on it. The sprinkler slams them back and forth repeatedly as the water washes their mouth free of the spicy aftertaste. Then there was a shriek.
"Guys, a girl's shriek of terror!" Clyde said.
"I think that was from Rusty." Zach pointed across the street.
Rusty, Chandler, Girl Jordan, Stella, and Liam are seen across the street.
"What's going on?" Chandler asked.
"There! In the window!" Rusty pointed to the abandoned house. "A dark figure cast a shadow, its body contorted with a hideous hairdo! Hold me!"
He held onto Jordan, who pushed him off.
"Are you sure Rusty?" Stella said, not convinced.
"Stand back!" Zach alerted them as he, Lincoln and Clyde came over. "Protect yourselves! Who knows what evil lurks behind the hallowed walls in the house of the haunted?"
Rusty screams.
"It's the house of the mad logger who chops down trees and hacks them into coffee tables!" Clyde said, causing Rusty to scream again.
"Wait!" Liam said. "Ah reckon this house is owned by the provoked opera singer who lures little boys and girls with enchanted arias!"
Lincoln covers Rusty's mouth before he could scream again. "Grow up. It's just an empty house, you guys."
"Go check it out then." Chandler said. "I dare ya."
"Yeah, well, maybe some other time." Lincoln said nervously. "Zach needs me to...mow his lawn."
"Mowed it this morning, Lincoln." Zach mentioned.
"I'll give you a Mondo chocolate bar if you go inside." Chandler held out a king sized candy bar. Lincoln smiled. He grabbed Zach and Clyde.
"What are we waiting for? Let's go!"
"Lincoln, don't you see through Chandler's cheap attempt to get us to go in that filthy house?" Clyde said worriedly.
Lincoln pushed them through the front lawn of dandelions. "All we have to do is stick our foot through the door and bingo, I get my chocolate bar!"
Zach sneezed, blowing all the dandelions out of their way.
"Get any on ya, Zach?" Lincoln looked through the window on the door.
"Do you see anything, Lincoln?" Clyde asked.
"All I see is darkness."
Zach sneezed again, blowing them through the door and inside the house.
"I think I'm allergic to dandelions." Zach said.
"No kidding." Clyde deadpanned .
Lincoln looked around. "This house isn't haunted. It's a dump. This is nowhere near as scary as the Royal Woods House Of Terror."
Zach got up. "This looks like the house from I Was a Cotton Swab in Madame Tonnage's Earwax Museum: The Miniseries."
"Clyde, let me poke your brain!" Lincoln acted like a phantom, scaring Clyde and making him fall backwards.
"You scared Clyde, Lincoln." Zach said.
"I did, didn't I? Come on, I've got an idea."
Outside, the five kids were waiting.
"Do you think they're ok?" Girl Jordan said worriedly. Then they heard sounds from inside the house, which made the kids concerned.
"Whoa." Chandler said.
"Holy cow!" Rusty exclaimed before fainting.
"Those fellers are goners!" Liam said, freaked out.
Inside the house, Lincoln and Zach were just making noise and banging on the walls.
"Someone help those guys!" Stella panicked.
Zach is seen through the window. It looked like someone was strangling him.
"I take back everything I said about the dorks!" Chandler said.
But Zach revealed that he was strangling himself. The kids now knew this was all an act.
"Those fakers!" Girl Jordan said, peeved off.
Inside the house, Lincoln and Zach laughed.
"Enough torture, let's go let them off easy and collect our chocolate bar." Lincoln said. He then noticed a spider on the doorknob. He flicks it off. The doorknob falls off and rolls to the hole in the floor. Lincoln, Zach and Clyde watch as it falls into the hole.
"Tell me that didn't just happen!" Clyde panicked.
"Well, I'd be lying if I said it didn't." Zach said.
"Nothing a little Lincoln magic can't fix." Lincoln said calmly as he tried to open the door but his finger got stuck in the knob hole. "Uh oh. My finger's stuck, guys!"
"Oh, good trick Lincoln." Zach said. "My turn." He speaks in a deep voice. "I am the Cotton Swab. Release the wax, ear person!"
"You're scaring me Zach." Clyde said, frightened. "Let's just pull Lincoln out so we can leave!"
Clyde and Zach begin to pull on Lincoln's legs.
"Harder guys!"
Zach steps on a loose floorboard that gives way. The other end hits open a music box on a table, triggering it.
"What's that?" Lincoln asked.
"It's the Phantom of the Earwax." Zach said.
Now Clyde was more frightened. "Phantom? THAT'S IT! LET ME OUT! LET ME-"
The door knob comes loose, causing Lincoln and his friends to go flying backwards. They knock down a door and ride downstairs. Their screams are heard from outside, but the five kids leave.
"Quit milking it, polter dorks!" Chandler yelled as he was eating the chocolate bar.
"You ain't fooling anyone!" Liam yelled.
Inside, the three boys were riding down the stairs screaming until they crashed into a room.
"Ooh, my aching head." Lincoln groaned.
"That was quite an experience." Clyde said. They looked in a mirror noticing the shape of their heads. "Is it me or do our heads look like yams?"
Zach was looking in a big mirror, which made his butt look big as he shook it. "Big butt, so what."
"It's a room full of mirrors." Clyde pointed out.
"Sweet." Lincoln said.
"Yams. What was I thinking?" Then Clyde noticed something by a staircase. "Is that a Super Snap-95?"
It was. There was a rope around it. Clyde went to get a closer look, but it was pulled away from him. "Hey, come back here!"
He chased it up the stairs. Lincoln was looking at himself in a mirror which made him look buff.
"Check this out, boys. I'm Hercules."
Zach was looking through a mirror and then he saw a model rocket ship in a dumbwaiter. "Is that a rocket ship from Starship Troopers?"
He went on the dumbwaiter and played with the ship. The dumbwaiter took him up. Lincoln noticed his friends were gone.
"Clyde? Zach? Where the heck are they?" He saw he still had the door knob holder around his finger. He tried to take it off. "I hate you, knob holder!"
He got hit in the face with it and fell. Clyde has chased the gaming system upstairs into another room full of video games.
"Wow. Look at these old video games." Clyde said, amazed. "I think I've hit the jackpot."
Downstairs, Lincoln was still trying to get the doorknob off his finger. Then he noticed the carpet moving under him, which dragged him along. "Uh, where am I going?" He got his legs stuck under the staircase. "Help! The staircase is eating me!"
Upstairs, Clyde is in a room, looking through a shelf full of video games. "Whoever lived must've been a gamer." He spots a video game case on the shelf that's put in sideways. "Man, somebody's really trying my patience."
Clyde runs off and returns with a ladder. He climbs the ladder and sets the cover right. "There. Perfectly shelved."
Clyde climbs down the ladder. As he does so, a trap door opens revealing more ladder rungs. "Now where was I?"
He continues to climb down and the trapdoor shuts above him.
Downstairs, Lincoln sees-
"Hello. An Ace Savvy action figure!"
The action figure is at the top of the stairs. Clyde is upstairs climbing down the ladder.
"Clyde McBride, Video Game Manager." He said to himself. "I like the sound of that."
Lincoln stretches his body up the stairs. "Lincoln Loud, Action Figure Collecter. Oh yeah." Lincoln grabs the action figure, which is on a lever. "Bingo."
Lincoln pulls the lever and the bottom stair lifts him, releasing him. He goes flying forward.
"Yes! Mine! All mine!" He bumps into a wall and falls headfirst into a barrel. His feet are sticking up. The barrel moves next to a trash can. A trap door opens above the can and the ladder is stuck out.
"Nobel prize winner, Clyde McBride." Clyde said, obliviously climbing down. "Nice."
He falls into the trash can. He then sees Lincoln's feet sticking out of the barrel and screams. Lincoln pops up.
"What?"
Zach is seen behind them, in a container. "Tsk, tsk. Guys, do you know how long I've been waiting?"
A model train is located under the containers as it blows its horns and starts to carry the boys away.
"Now what?" Lincoln said.
"Is this some kind of ride?" Clyde wondered.
"This house is just full of surprises." Zach said.
They enter a dark room.
"Creepy." Zach said.
"Enterprising." Clyde said.
They boys go on a roller coaster ride, with certain parts lit by spotlights. The boys burst through a skull. All of them are naked. (they still had their underwear though) Lincoln found a bat on his head.
"Aah! Where'd you come from?!"
"Where are my clothes?! I'm naked!" Clyde cried.
"Not the ride I expected." Zach said.
The boys rode through a dark room filled with neon skulls.
"I think this really is a haunted house." Clyde said, spooked out.
"And it's not even Halloween yet." Lincoln said.
"Impressive though." Zach said.
Then Lincoln saw someone familiar. It was a stuffed doll version of his grandma, which spooked him. "Is that Great Grandma Harriet?"
"Oh my gosh! A failed test!" Clyde was terrified by the F- test that was lowered by a fishing hook, and the test had his name on it.
Then Zack saw a mime puppet. "Aah! Creepy mime!"
The boys went into another room and the ride stopped at a coffin in front of them.
"Is the ride over?" Zach wondered.
The coffin opened.
"I fear it's just begun." Clyde said.
Lucy and her friends popped out of the coffin. Lucy was wearing a Grim Reaper robe.
"Welcome to our haunted house." Lucy announced.
"Lucy?" Lincoln said surprised. "You and your friends planned this?"
"Yep. You see, you found this abandoned house and we've always wanted to make our own haunted house so that's what we did. And you guys were our first tourists."
"We were so excited." Haiku said in her stoic voice.
"I see." Lincoln said.
"When we heard you guys coming in here, we decided to lure you with things you like." Lucy explained.
"And with Lucy's crystal ball, we even discovered your fears." Dante added.
"Lucy, you were snooping on us?" Lincoln asked in shock.
"Maybe a little." Lucy admitted.
"Ok, but why'd you take our clothes?" Zach asked.
"Because public nudity is one of the worst fears." Boris pointed out.
"And it's embarrassing." Clyde said.
"We want to milk this haunted house idea." Lucy said. "Can you guys keep a secret?"
The boys thought about it.
"Sure, why not?" Lincoln said. "But don't snoop on us again."
The goths cheered in a stoic tone.
"This was quite an experience." Clyde commented.
"Yeah, you sure spooked us out." Zach said.
"Also, can someone get this stupid knob holder off my finger?" Lincoln said, annoyed with the knob holder still stuck to him.
The next day, Mr. Grouse is seen walking near the abandoned house. He sees a sign that says "Beware Of Haunted House."
"Haunted house?" He said with disbelief. "Please. There's no such thing."
Then he saw someone come out of the house. It was a phantom, along with other phantoms. They appeared in front of Mr. Grouse.
"No such thing, huh?"
Mr. Grouse looked wide eyed. He shrieked like a little girl and ran off. The hooded phantoms revealed themselves to be Lucy and her friends, clearly. Lucy smiled smugly.