This was something that spawned from a conversation in which we were joking about this idea, where I was then requested to actually write it. So, here we are, after a few hours of work.
The title is credited to Wolf-Chalk, by the way, which was just too perfect not to use.
"Alright, just call him. Easy as that. No biggie." Rivet mutters to herself, anxiously pacing back and forth in the middle of her hideout on Sargasso, in front of her workbench, of which an interdimensional communicator that Clank and Kit built sat atop, with its screen presently displaying his contact, with a giant 'CALL' button hovering right under his name, taunting her.
"Just press that button, answer it, and ask what you wanna ask. Don't think too hard about it. If anyone would know what he likes, it'd be Bolts. He can help me." She says optimistically, right before her smile immediately falters. "But, wait… they're like, best friends! What if he tells him?! What would I do then?! Should I just keep it to myself and shut up about this altogether?!"
She suddenly stops herself in her tracks, raising a finger. "No, this is Clank we're talking about, Rivet. If there's anything that I've learned about him, it's that he is a good friend, and if I tell him to keep his mouth shut, then I'm pretty sure he will." She states firmly. "You can ask him about this, and nothing will go wrong. Maybe. Probably."
She groans, rubbing her face. Yes, sure, she was a good ninety percent certain that she was correct in assuming that Clank would keep a secret if she asked him to. But with something of the utmost critical importance such as this, she couldn't be satisfied with only ninety percent; she had to have absolute, without a doubt one hundred percent certainty he'd keep his mouth shut, which she can't guarantee.
But then again… it's not like she really had any other options to turn to for this matter. She could go to Ratchet's other friends, sure, but she doesn't really know any of them all that well yet, and she doesn't know them like she does Clank, so if she did go to them, then this topic would be awkward at best, and an utter disaster at worst if they decided to go yapping about it to him.
Her next best bet was Kit, but unfortunately, she already asked her about it, but she wasn't of any real help despite having spent some time with Ratchet herself, she was just as inexperienced with this just as much as she herself was, so that was a dead end.
And so… that just left her with Clank. He would be her final salvation, but one that she was currently reluctant to accept, too scared of the consequences and what-ifs of if he did tattle about this to Ratchet. She really liked it here on Sargasso, despite its mugginess and Grunthors and acid lakes, and having to abandon it so she can move to another dimension to crawl in a hole and die of shame would be unfortunate, to say the least.
But… after running through her options just now… she realized that this was a risk she was going to have to take if she wanted to settle this thing once and for all, even despite the apocalypse that could possibly result if things go wrong.
She takes a deep breath, closing her eyes. "You can do this, Rivet. If you can take down the Emperor and save the multiverse, you can ask a few questions." She reassures herself. "Just tell him to keep his mouth shut, and he will. You can trust him, because he is a good friend. You can do this."
And with that, she opens her eyes with a firm nod, and marches her way over to the communicator, and after a few moments of her steeling her nerves, taps the call button, transitioning the screen into displaying 'DIALING…' as three dots slowly appear and disappear below it while a subtle beeping is heard.
She stands as rigid as a board in front of, solidly planting her hands on the workbench on either side of it as she stares at it, internally yelling at Clank to hurry and pick it up already before she decides to chicken out.
But, thankfully (or unfortunately, according to a part of herself), the 'DIALING' is replaced with a 'CONNECTED', right before Clank's image emerges on the screen, appearing to be sitting on his couch in the middle of their home on Veldin.
"Oh, hello, Rivet! It is nice to see you!" He greets happily.
"H-Hey, Bolts!" Rivet replies, putting on a smile as she timidly waves at him. "Erm, quick question, is Ratchet there with you?" She asks a little nervously.
"Oh, yes, he is just over in the garage, giving Aphelion a maintenance check." He answers, gesturing just off-screen.
"Hey, Clank!" His slightly muffled voice is heard—right on queue—prompting Clank to turn around slightly. "You remember where I put the oil filters I use for Aphelion?!"
"I believe they are in the second shelf down in your toolbox, the fourth one from the left!" He calls back.
A few seconds later, Ratchet is heard again. "Thanks, pal! And, by the way, can you tell her that she can totally trust me with finally fitting my custom-designed and built turbo kit onto her engine?"
"Ratchet, I believe she knows best for herself when she says it is much too dangerous to attach such a system into her, for both your sake and hers!" He responds tiredly. "Just listen to her and settle with just the tune-up!"
A large groan is heard. "Fine! You buzzkills!"
Clank shakes his head with sigh, closing his eyes as he turns his, right before he opens them again to see Rivet on the screen, wearing a bemused expression.
"Oh, erm, sorry, I almost forgot you were even calling me." He responds with a small, nervous chuckle. "Did you want me to fetch Ratchet so that he can join—"
"NO!" Rivet yells out, startling Clank and making him return an expression of concern as Rivet awkwardly clears her throat, internally slapping herself for that totally smooth response.
"Erm, I mean, I'd rather not have him join us, thanks." She says more calmly with a meek smile. "I just want to talk to you, Clank."
"Erm… very well?" Clank replies uncertainly, squinting at her. "What exactly does this concern to warrant such a strong reaction at the suggestion of Ratchet being here, too?"
She takes a breath. "Right, well… the thing is… I need to ask you for some advice, Clank." She says timidly.
"Advice? He inquires curiously. "Advice on what?"
"On… Ratchet." She answers, looking away slightly. "And how to… you know… get him to notice you."
"Notice…?" Clank mutters, resting a hand on his chin before his optics widen in realization, looking back to the screen with a smile. "Notice… as in a romantic context."
She gives a slow, small nod. "Yeah, you know… for… a friend." She answers with a shrug.
"Well, I would be delighted… wait… a friend?" He asks confusedly. "You wish to ask for advice as to how to court Ratchet for… a friend?"
"Erm… yep!" She answers, putting on another smile. "I just, have a friend who's into Ratchet, and I thought I'd help her out! You know, like how a good friend should!"
Clank simply squints at her as she continues to stand there, hands clasped behind her back while wearing a plastic smile that was beginning to make her cheeks hurt.
"Uh huh." He finally answers. "And who exactly is this friend, may I ask? After all, I may be able to help her even more if I know who she is." He requests innocently with a shrug.
"Oh, well… it's… um… someone he's met before, at least!" She answers back, raising a finger.
"I see. And, she is also furry as well, isn't she?"
"Erm… yeah?"
"And this friend is also someone who lives on Sargasso, and has appeared to have a bit of an affinity towards lemonade, correct?"
"That's… really specific, Bolts."
"But am I wrong?" He inquires smugly.
"You're… not wrong, no." She concedes quietly, looking away coyly.
"So… who is this friend, then?"
Rivet doesn't immediately answer, trying to find an out of this hole she inadvertently dug herself in, but unfortunately, can't seem to do it. So, with a sigh, she looks back to the screen, ready to fess up that she wasn't asking for a friend.
But then, as she does, she notices a few pictures hanging on the wall among the rest of her tools right behind the communicator, and more specifically, one that depicted her and a bunch of the Morts posing for a photo on one of their picnics. And upon looking at them, a smile grows on her face.
Ratchet had met them before. They were furry. They lived on Sargasso here, and most of all, they loved lemonade.
Just like Rivet's 'friend'.
"Alright then, I confess." She answers more assertively, looking back at Clank with a confident smile.
"I'm all ears, then." Clank says knowingly.
"It's Mort. Mort likes Ratchet."
Once again, a silence falls onto them both as Clank just stares at her confusedly, while she she simply stares back in return, wearing a small smile and internally patting herself on the back for that awesome save.
"Mort is attracted to Ratchet." He repeats incredulously.
"Yep. She talks about him all the time, so I thought I could call you so that I can pass on some advice for her to use so she can finally ask Ratchet out." She explains pointedly. "You know, as a friend!"
"…Rivet, it's alright, you can just say that it's you yourself who is attracted to him—"
"Wha—Hey, who said that it was me who's into him?!" She interjects, placing her hands on her chest as she returns a confused and slightly panicked expression. "I didn't say that! I said it was Mort! I totally couldn't care less about Ratchet, because I don't have a crush on him or anything like that! No siree! This is just so I can help out my good friend with her crush on him so that she doesn't have to freak out and panic on the inside whenever she's around him from being really nervous about messing up her chances with him and making him think she's a weirdo! She's been super anxious about this whole situation!" She says, before she realizes just how fervently she was speaking, causing her to pause for a moment to clear her throat.
"Erm, or so she tells me. So… I thought that calling you would be a perfect solution to all of her problems!"
"I… That's…" Clank closes his eyes with a deep sigh. "Well… if you are so adamant that it is Mort who requests this advice and not you—"
"Which it isn't!" She affirms with a raised finger.
"—Then I would assure 'Mort' that she has nothing to worry about with Ratchet." He finishes with a roll of his optics. "If are suggesting that she needs to change her demeanor somehow in order to attract Ratchet, then tell her to dismiss the notion. Ratchet puts honesty first and foremost in his friends and partners, and he is a genuine, caring person. If he were to be attracted to you—"
"Her." She quickly corrects him.
"Her, yes, apologies—then it is because he likes the side of her that he sees all the time. It is that person that he has become attracted to, and not whatever persona or front that she puts up, so to do that would be inadvisable." He claims. "I suggest that she simply be herself, and no more. It is as simple as that."
"Well, alright, but… is there anything that she can do to make herself really get his attention, though?" Rivet asks. "Like, I don't know, accentuating some features about herself?"
"…Rivet, if are possibly referring about the size of her breasts, then I assure you that Ratchet truly does not care about his partners' physical appearances. It is their personality that he prefers." He says plainly.
"Hey, I was actually talking about personality, Bolts, get your mind out of the gutter!" She corrects him pointing at the screen with a stern look. "But… I'm sure Mort would find that little tidbit very assuring, at least." She finishes quietly, unconsciously glancing down.
"Oh, my apologies, then." He replies. "But… if it is about accentuating aspects about her individual character, then I suppose it would be wise for her to perhaps make special effort to demonstrate how much she cares for others, and making sure to laugh at his jokes, and share some in return, and to also gladly indulge in his enthusiasm on dangerous adventures and equally dangerous weaponry." He states before giving a sly look. "Although, I'm sure that last point would be somewhat difficult for Mort and her fellow, peace-faring Gelatonium miners, would it not?"
"…I think she manage it." Rivet responds, resting a hand on her chin as she mulls over his words. "But, is it really that simple, then? Have her be selfless, have a sense of humor, and a sense of adventure, too? Nothing crazy like, writing a love letter or giving him a bunch of gifts or anything like that?"
"Not at all." He states with a shake of his head. "Ratchet is a kind and genuine person, and so she would have no need to try and win his affection via material things. And besides, I have observed that those three aspects I just listed were three primary characteristics both of his ex-girlfriends previously shared, so if his admirer were to also have these three characteristics as well, I would say that her chances with him are quite great. Although, that is not to imply they weren't already high to begin with." He finishes astutely.
He then shrugs with a smile. "And, well, although I do say that Ratchet has no personal preference as to his partner's physical appearance, I cannot help but notice that his last two girlfriends also happened to have blue eyes. So… you know, tell 'Mort' to do with that as she will."
"Well… Alright, then." Rivet says with a nod, wearing a glad smile, and more than a little pleased and relieved to hear that last bit about him. "Thanks for this, Clank, this has been a huge help for me—HER." She quickly corrects herself, raising her fingers. "This has been a huge help for her. I think that she can help control herself a little better from dying on the inside when she's around Ratchet now. She just… has to be herself, and that's it, right?"
"Assuming that Mort has what I just described, then yes, she need only to simply be herself, and not to overthink things too hard." He replies with a chuckle. "I'm glad to be of service, Rivet."
"Thanks, Bolts, but… I need to ask one more thing." She says seriously.
"Of course, what is it?"
"Do not tell Ratchet about any of this, got it?" She states strongly, glaring at Clank with a firm look. "I cannot stress enough just how important that he has no idea about what we just talked about, because if he does, then I'm ninety percent certain Mort is going to die a painful death of embarrassment and shame."
"Do not worry, Rivet, I assumed that went without saying." He replies before holding a hand up. "You have my word, I will not tell Ratchet about this." He assures her with a nod.
"Alright, then, good." She responds, hanging her head with a sigh of relief for a quick moment before looking back up to Clank, wearing a grin. "And, again, thanks for the advice, Clank. It was nice talking with you again, too."
"And you as well, Rivet. And do not worry, Ratchet and I will be sure to visit soon."
"And me and Kit will be looking forward to it. Oh, um, and Mort, too." She adds with a nervous chuckle.
"And especially Mort as well, yes." He adds with a roll of his optics. "See you soon, Rivet."
"You too!" She states before her picture fizzles out, replaced with a 'CALL ENDED' on the screen.
And just as it does, Clank hears a huff of breath from the doorway leading into the garage, and turns to find Ratchet wiping his hands with a grease-rag, wearing his equally-stained overalls.
"I'll convince Aphelion to let me hook up that turbo kit onto her someday, I just know it." He states before turning back around to haphazardly toss the rag onto a counter just beyond the doorway.
"If I had lungs, I would not be holding my breath anytime soon." Clank replies. "She knows full well how most of your designs end up, i.e., exploding. It will be a long while before she agrees to let you modify her with such a dangerous upgrade."
"Hey, not everything I make explodes, Clank!" Ratchet argues, pointing at him with an annoyed look. "Well, except for everything that I make that I want to intentionally explode, which is a lot of the time, but—still! Don't be a drama queen!"
"I prefer the term 'cautious advisor'." He corrects him, raising a finger.
Ratchet scoffs as he rolls his eyes, crossing his arms. But as he looks back to him, he notices the communicator he's holding, and raises an eyebrow while pointing to it.
"Were you just calling someone, Clank?" He inquires curiously.
"Oh, yes, actually." He answers pleasantly. "It was just Rivet, making sure that we are still going to visit her and Kit on Sargasso in her own dimension in the next few days."
"Oh, well… good to know that she's excited to see me, then." He replies with a happy smile, right before his eyes widen, raising his hands up in defense as he realizes what he just said. "Erm, us! I'm glad to hear that she's excited to see us, and not just me, which is… good, yes. Can't wait." He finishes with a nervous chuckle and an awkward smile, making Clank simply grin in return.
"Yes, I am quite certain she's excited to see you, too, Ratchet." He agrees amusedly.