JENNIE
..
..
Crazy as it seems, the time away with Lisa actually seemed to help my writer's block. Ever since we got back, the words have been coming a lot easier. I'm not only working steadily on Dirty Broken Bad Boy Billionaire (trying saying that five times fast) when I'm with Lisa, I'm spending time with Phenelope and Luthwen when I'm not.
Ironically, I don't feel the push to put my characters in a sexual situation anymore. If anything, it's a sweetly romantic one, held back through loads of tension and unrequited feelings as they soldier through their fantasy world. But when it comes to sex, it's pretty much the last thing I want to write when I have scene upon scene of my erotica focused on double penetration with dildos and sixty-nining and anal beads.
I can't say that the increased productivity in our writing has led to a drop in our sex life because that's simply not the case. We've just somehow found a rhythm and made it work. Apparently exhibitionism seems to be a theme. We made love on the beach, in the car, deep in the vines of a vineyard.
At least, I think it's all working.
The sex is amazing.
But…there's something else.
Something I can't put my finger on.
Something I don't want to put my finger on.
I've noticed it since we got back.
When we fuck, there's this tenderness on both our parts that keeps coming out, wrapping around us like it's second nature. When we're done, we no longer just get up and go back to work and on with our lives.
We linger. We stay in bed forever. Just talking. About everything. Relationships, childhoods, books, films. We laugh.
We laugh a lot.
And each time this happens something in my heart aches. Because I'm experiencing everything that a relationship should be but it's not a relationship at all. No one even knows we're together, except for Ana, and she doesn't know about the books so the actual whole truth has never been laid bare.
I want to be honest with Lisa. But I don't know how I feel and I don't know where to start.
I really like what we have and I don't want to ruin it.
But I want more.
Not more books, not more money, not more work and not even more sex, as good as it is. I just want more of her. I want all that she is and I want to be able to call it mine and dive in and possess every part of her. I know I sound no better than the possessive alphas in our books but it's true.
She's becoming something more to me, something very real but all we're surrounded by is fiction.
We take a break from each other for a few nights and this is mostly my doing. I need to talk to Jisoo, need to go out and lift my head out of the sand. I need to see the life around me, the world that exists without the books and Lisa. I need to know that no matter what happens, there is always more out there, even when Lisa feels like all I need.
"You look like you need another drink," Jisoo says to me.
We're back at our favorite place, the Tapas Bar, managing to snag a table on the small patio that ducks out into the middle of the alley. The weather is beautiful, a welcome respite after a week of rainy gloom and we're in the heat of summer again.
She pours from near empty jug of sangria and it splashes noisily into my cup, spilling a bit on the table. "Shit, we need more," she says, signaling to the waiter for another. She gets half out of her seat and yells after him, "And napkins too please!"
I fish the orange out of my glass and suck on it with a sigh. "I'm fine."
I'm not really sure how to tell her I've been sleeping with Lisa for a month now. She'll definitely be hurt that I didn't tell her earlier and when she gets hurt, she likes to hurt others. Like, physically.
"I'd say you need to get laid," she muses, eyeing me over her gigantic sunglasses, "but I'm not sure that's it. Either you've been hitting it hard with your battery-operated-boyfriend or you've managed to snag dick elsewhere. You seem a bit…spent."
"Well I have been running a lot," I tell her, taking a long gulp from my glass. That's still true. When I wake up in my own bed, I try and go running, and sometimes when Lisa hits the gym in her apartment building, I'll jump on the treadmill.
Just like fuckbuddies would do, I tell myself dryly.
"That's not it," she says. She leans in closer, her layers of brass bracelets rattling on the table. "Are you doing hard drugs?" She attempts to whisper. Very loudly.
I jerk my head back. "What? No!"
Tell her. Tell her now.
"So, whatever happened with that guy you were seeing?" I casually ask her.
Damnit Jennie!
She cocks her head, studying me. "You're trying to change the subject. You've never ask me about any guy I'm humping."
"Because you always tell me, whether I want to know or not. Anyway the last text I got from you, you said that God was testing you with copious amounts of brownies and dick."
She shrugs and sips her drink. "Both were enjoyable. But you know what. I'm over men."
"Again."
"Yeah. I mean, what's the point? What can they offer that my fingers can't?"
"Fingers cramp up."
"As do hands when they're giving a handjob for the millionth time."
I give her a look. "Handjob? Who have you been with lately, a sixteen-year-old?"
"Ugh. Even I wouldn't do that. No, seriously. After I get my degree I'm blowing this popsicle stand—"
"Too bad you've already blown everyone in it," I mutter under my breath, just loud enough for her to hear it.
She narrows her eyes at me. "I heard that."
"Well I said it loudly," I retort.
"Don't use Friends' references at a time like this. I'm telling you my life plans. This is serious business. Once I'm out of here, I'm traveling the world and teaching English and I'm probably going to go stay at a yoga commune in India and learn to be one with myself, then go to Bali to surf and maybe fall in love."
"That's the plot of Eat, Pray, Love."
"It was a good book."
"Yeah." My stomach growls even though I'm not hungry. Nothing like second guessing your current quasi-relationship to kill your appetite. But I know drinking sangria on a hot day without food is asking for trouble.
I pick up the menu and start considering the options.
Olives?
Fried potatoes?
Jisoo taps me quickly on the hand. "Oh my god, Jennie," she whispers harshly. "Look but don't look."
Of course I follow her gaze to the alley and look.
Walking up amongst the throes of people out for dinner and drinks is Lisa.
She's wearing black pants and that slate grey dress shirt she wore when we had sex in the library, the shirt that unbuttons just enough to see her chest. It's one of my favorite shirts on her and when she wore it the other day for the cover of the Billionaire book, I couldn't help but throw myself at her. As usual.
Her hair is shiny, disheveled, catching the evening light and she has this cagey look in her eyes, making her look brooding and intense and all the things I want to see in her.
She looks like mine.
I want her to be mine.
I swallow it down though, prepared to just sit there and watch her move past, her long legs taking easy, casual strides.
Then I realize there's some guy with her. Shaggy hair to his shoulders, tanned, wearing skate shoes, board shorts and a Quicksilver tank top. The guy probably smells like surfboard wax too.
The two of them look like they're on the prowl and a pang of horror runs through me when I imagine what their plans are. After all, me and Jisoo are out and I'm keeping an open mind about the guys I meet. Why would I expect less from Lisa?
They're almost gone, Lisa's gaze now directed at the bricks on the ground beneath them. I almost exhale the breath I've been holding when Jisoo stands up in her seat and yells.
"Hey Lisa!"
"Oh my god," I hiss at her, grabbing her dress and trying to pull her back down. "What are you doing?"
"Oh it's water under the bridge, isn't it?" she tells me, waving at them.
I dare to look over to the alley. Lisa's eyes light up when she spots me. Even though I've never met the guy she's with, he doesn't look too confused. He probably assumes that Lisa has slept with one of us.
His assumption would be right.
"Hello ladies," Lisa says, hands thrust casually in her pockets as she strolls to the railing between us. Her eyes linger on me and they're nothing but warm. "How are we this evening?"
"Where are you guys going?" Jisoo asks. She gestures to the seats. "Here, sit with us. It's been ages since we've seen you, Lisa."
"Yes," she says, smiling at me. "Ages."
I try to show nothing on my face but I can tell her friend is studying me very closely. I wonder what Lisa has said about me, if anything.
"We'd love to have you drink with us," Jisoo says, finally sitting back down. "And I just ordered more sangria!" She pretty much yells that last part. People in the alley turn to look at us.
I give Lisa a withering look. 'You better sit with us or she's just going to get louder.'
She holds my eyes for a moment saying nothing and saying everything. She nods, biting her lip in that way she does while still smiling.
"Bobby," she says to her friend and gestures to the table. "Might as well."
Bobby looks at us eagerly. He's definitely game.
"We'll be right in," Lisa says and they disappear inside the front door of the restaurant.
Once they're out of earshot I grab Jisoo's hand, squeezing it painfully hard. "What are you doing?"
"Ow, you wench," she says, ripping her hand away. "Like I said, water under the bridge. When's the last time you saw her, when you handed in your assignment? That was ages ago. So she was an asshole in class, she's not in class anymore."
"You can't fuck her," I warn, shoving my finger in her face.
She looks completely taken aback.
Just then Lisa and Bobby show up.
"Hey, thanks again," Lisa says, taking the seat across from me. "We were looking to get a few drinks somewhere but every place is packed."
"It's the weather," I tell her.
"What a small town Victoria is," Jisoo muses.
"Very, very small," Lisa says, grinning at me.
I can't help but smile back. Yeah, that smile? Still horribly infectious. Every part of her is horribly infectious. Once you have her cock inside you, that's pretty much all you'll ever want for the rest of your life.
"Jennie," Jisoo repeats and I realize she's been talking.
"Huh?" I ask, tearing my eyes away from Lisa.
"I asked you if you had fun working with Lisa," she says.
I raise my brows. "Uh, yeah it was fun."
"She's very smart you know," Lisa says.
"You're not so bad yourself," I tell her lightly.
Bobby's eyes are volleying between us. "Wait a minute. Is this the Jennie you had to work with on the book? For school?"
Lisa gives him a warning look.
"Yeah that's me," I say quickly. "Why? What did she say about me?"
"That you were a stuck-up bitch," Bobby says.
Lisa pounds him hard in the shoulder. "You are such a wanker!"
"That's okay," Jisoo speaks up. "Jennie hated your guts the whole semester."
"Oh she told me that," Lisa says.
"You thought I was a bitch?" I ask her, surprised, but not exactly insulted.
"Peach," she says, "I've told you I thought you were a bitch."
"No, you said I was a dork."
"And a nerd."
"And a prude."
"And a stick-in-the-mud."
"And a lot of things."
Jisoo and Bobby are watching us. I shrug, trying to act causal. "Luckily we were still able to work together. We ended up getting an A on the project."
"You know, she's not prude," Jisoo says out of the blue or maybe her mind is just ten steps back tonight "She just doesn't sleep around."
"That's good to know," Lisa says, leveling me with her gaze.
"Wish we could say that about old Lisa Dawg here," Bobby says. "I'm pretty sure there's a waitress here that wants to kill her."
"What else is new?" Lisa and I say in unison.
We both grin.
Eyes twinkling.
And I'm realizing how damn hard it is to sit across from her and not touch each other. Even when we're working, I usually have my limbs draped over her or she has her hands in my hair, or she's stroking her thumb over my shoulder. There's always contact.
"I guess you two really got to know each other, eh?" Jisoo says carefully. I'm wondering if she's picking up on anything.
"A bit," Lisa says lightly. "Wouldn't mind knowing more though."
I feel like I've got something lodged in my throat. I try to swallow.
Then the waitress comes by and while she doesn't appear to know Lisa—thank god—the rest of the conversation eases off of us and onto other topics. All the while though, as the drinks flow and the tapas come out, I feel locked in Lisa's force field. From the depth in her eyes, to her easy smile, the way her hand is across the table, so close to mine, she's all I can think about.
It's fucking unbearable.
"I've got to go to use the toilets, excuse me," Lisa says later, getting out of her chair. Just as she turns around, I see something in her eyes, a beckoning.
I chew on my lip, looking at Jisoo and Bobby who are in deep conversation about travel. And by deep, I mean they're discussing the significance of full-moon parties in Thailand and what drugs to do.
"I'm going to go get a drink from the bar," I say after a minute but they barely hear me.
I get up and head to the washrooms at the back.
There are only two private stalls and I have no idea which one Lisa is in and now I'm wondering if that look she gave me meant anything at all.
"Lisa?" I whisper, looking between the doors.
Nothing.
I decide to try the woman's one.
It's not locked.
But there is a woman on the toilet, pants around her ankles, doing her business.
"This is occupied!" she yells at me and I quickly slam shut the door.
"Sorry, sorry, sorry!" I cry out, feeling all sorts of embarrassed even though it wasn't my fault at all. Why do people do that? Just lock the fucking door.
I turn to go for the men's but there's already a man going for it and turning the handle.
He opens it wide and Lisa is in there, just standing there in the middle of the washroom.
Luckily she's fully dressed.
"I'm sorry," the man says curtly.
"I was just leaving," Lisa explains quickly, coming out of the bathroom and standing beside me. "Hi," she says, peering at me.
"Hi," I reply, smiling like a goof.
The man eyes us suspiciously before closing the door and locking it. The door thumps on its hinges, the man making sure it really is locked.
Then the women's washroom opens and the occupant comes out, glaring at me as she goes.
"You know her?" Lisa asks as she ushers me in the washroom.
"Making all sorts of friends tonight," I tell her.
She locks us in and before I can say another word, she's grabbing my face, lips devouring mine, tongue pushing in my mouth, stroking every pent up desire.
I grab her in kind, my hands in her hair, at the back of her neck while her hands grab my waist, my ass, pinching, groping. We grapple together in a frenzy of heat and lust and something unbelievably real.
I'm pushed back against the tile wall and pinned there and I'm hers, completely hers. My body operates on pure instinct, throwing myself to her, with no inhibitions, no caution. It craves her as much as my mind and soul do. As she presses against me, breathing hard and kissing me, messy and wet, I put my hands around her shoulders and relish the lean, taught muscles of her back as I pull her in.
One of her hands is lost in my hair, tugging on it the way I like and I let out a breathless gasp from the sweet pain. The other is lifting up the hem of my dress, shrugging it up around my waist. She slides the satin of my underwear aside lets out a deep moan that I feel vibrate through me as she explores me with her fingers.
"So wet," she murmurs. "You get so fucking wet for me." She sticks three of her large, long fingers inside me and I clench around them, begging for more.
"Hurry up and fuck me," I tell her.
No, seriously. Someone's going to knock at the door any minute.
She laughs, low and rich, reaching down to lift me up so my legs are wrapped around her waist. I reach down between us and frantically try to undo her belt. She stares at my frenzied hand for a moment, clearing enjoying just how much I want her.
"Hold on, peach," she says, pulling down her pants and boxer briefs until her cock bobs freely, so dark and rigid. I love her like this, so raw, thick and all for me.
She holds herself at my opening and waits for a few beats. I can feel the heat coming between us, the way her eyes burn into me, until her gaze drops to her cock as she's about to push its stiff length inside me. Before I can urge her in, my fingers tightening their hold on her back, she pushes with one large, powerful thrust.
I can't help the cry that escapes from my lips, and then the soft "oh," as she slowly, agonizingly, pulls herself out, her cock absolutely drenched.
She eases herself back in, a few inches at a time, her lips brushing over mine.
"You're really something, you know that?" she whispers against my mouth, her words breaking off into a groan. "I don't know what I'd do without you."
My heart catches high in my throat. I can't speak, I can only feel, and the intense gaze of her eyes tells me that something is happening, something new. Her eyes continue to burn as she pushes herself in and out, pumping steadily. She grabs my chin lightly and holds my face, making sure I can't break eye contact, can't look away. It's nearly embarrassingly intimate, the way her stare feels like she's stripping me bare.
Our moans are hushed, our breathing rough and ragged as she moves inside me, her hips circling so she hits each and every tightly wound nerve inside me.
It's so fucking good.
It's everything.
We are joined, connected and the more she thrusts in, deeper, deeper, the warmer she feels, like fire, barely contained. A bead of sweat rolls off her nose and finally her eyes pinch closed as she approaches her climax, her mouth going for the crook of my neck where she bites and sucks and grunts as she pounds me, each thrust getting faster than the last.
"Fuck, fuck, fuck," she hisses, inhaling sharply. "I'm coming."
Before I even have a chance to try and catch up, she lets go of my waist and slides a finger over my clit, petting it twice, and that's all it takes to set me off like dynamite.
I explode outwardly, until I feel like there is nothing left and she explodes into me. I can feel her inside, hot and potent as I throb mercilessly around her, my nails digging so hard into her shoulders as I ride her out I know they're going to leave marks tomorrow.
My heart is huge, filled with stars and bliss.
This woman. This gorgeous specimen of a woman, who fucks me with all she has.
I want this woman forever.
"Lisa," I whisper, trailing off because I can't catch my breath, because I know what I want to say but I don't know how to say it.
She's breathing heavily into my shoulder and I run my fingers through her hair, loving the feel of it, loving everything she is.
"That feels so good," she murmurs.
"Better than the sex?"
"Nothing is better than that." She lifts up her head and gazes at me with sated eyes. She gently brushes this thumbs over my cheeks. "I don't know how to top that."
She's got that look I love in her eyes, the one only I bring to her. Sleepy, relaxed, happy. Absolutely satisfied. But there's tenderness brimming underneath, something rare and beautiful, like a key that makes my heart want to burst free, like a bird from a cage.
I smile shyly, suddenly feeling like it's all so much, too much, and if she wants to she can just reach into my soul and walk around in it, examine every inch of who I am and then just walk away.
"We should get back," I tell her.
She nods, brows knitting together for a moment. "Of course." She gently lowers me to the ground and then takes a wad of toilet paper, running it up the inside of my legs where I can feel her drip down. It's such an intimate gesture and yet quite crude at the same time. Pretty much like Lisa herself.
We give ourselves the once over in the mirror. She smooths down my dress, I straighten her shirt. We head back outside.
..
Bobby and Jisoo are still talking and barely look up at us when we return. I know it has to look pretty obvious—the two of us have flushed faces and dilated pupils – but I don't really care anymore.
Later, while Bobby goes down the alley to smoke a joint and Lisa goes with him, Jisoo tugs at my hair, much like Lisa did earlier. Only this time it's not fun.
"You guys," she says, tugging with each word, "are totally fucking."
"Ow," I tell her, ripping my hair out of her hand. I smooth it back, pouting at her. "Well, it was hard not to be obvious about it. Though I suppose I could have said we were at the bar doing shots or something."
"No, not now," she says. "I mean, of course you just had a bathroom quickie. I'm talking about before this. You guys have been seeing each other, haven't you?"
"We're just friends," I assure her, having a drink of water.
"Friends with benefits?"
"Something like that."
"I don't believe it. It's something more. I've seen the way she looks at you. I've seen the way you look at her. You guys aren't just friends."
I feel my cheeks flame and hope the low lights of the patio hide it well. "I don't know what else to tell you."
But I do.
I could tell her the truth.
I'm falling in love with Lisa.
..
..
..