JENNIE

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I was completely nervous about the party up until about ten minutes ago. Which was good because if my nerves kept up like that, I could totally see myself having another Sir-Pukes-a-Lot moment in front of these people, which would pretty much seal my fate as that girl that is literally always vomiting (or chundering, as Lisa calls it).

But now, now everything is different. Everything has changed. My nerves are dancing for an entirely different reason.

When Lisa first mentioned Niki, I could have sworn she was going to say she was going back to her, maybe even going back to England. And no matter how hard I tried to convince myself before that I could handle losing her in that way, the fact was I couldn't. It slammed into me like a rock, the very thought that she might still love Niki, that she might not be mine after all.

But then everything swung around and in the most adorable, dorky (adorkable?) way, she told me she wants something more from me. Like, a girlfriend, this is an actual relationship kind of thing. No more just casual sex, no more just writing partners. She wanted more and I…

I didn't know what to think. I know I'm falling in love with her, that I have been every time I see her, every time I catch the dimples on her cheeks, the gleam in the eye, the way she makes me laugh like no one else in this world. God, she fucking makes me laugh.

Yet committing is scary, especially to someone who spent the better part of her time here sleeping with everyone in town. She's a womanizer and I know she was also deeply committed to Niki, but I'm not quite sure how safe my heart will be in her hands. I know she likes me, I know she's coming from her heart and she means everything she says right now.

But will she mean it later?

That doesn't really matter though because every relationship starts off with fears. It's about a leap of faith and I'm leaping with her just as she's leaping with me.

My girlfriend.

I hold out my hand for her as we walk toward the steps of the winery, the music and laughter drifting out from inside.

She grasps it in hers, looking ever the gentlewoman in her suit, and steadies me, giving me strength. In the distance comes the faint hoot of an owl. The moon is low on the vineyards, bathing the rows of grapes in traces silver and there's the fresh scent of lavender rising on the warm breeze.

"We could just stay out here," she says, looking around wistfully. "Two for two with vineyard sex."

I want to stay out here too, and yeah, some dirty sex in our fancy duds would be pretty hot. In fact, now I regret coming here at all.

I didn't really mean to use Lisa in the "hey, look I'm with a hot piece of ass right now" way but at the same time I didn't think she, of all people, would mind being arm candy. When I got the email from Chaeng, she sounded so sweet and happy and she'd always been that one friend who I should have stayed in touch with more. Besides, she had come to every single party that Sehun and I had, so it was only fair I attend her engagement party.

But my pettiness and competitiveness came out to play, as usual. Once she told me Sehun was coming with his girlfriend, I knew I couldn't go alone. I've mentioned that I'm petty, right?

Luckily Lisa's been a good sport, and now that we're actually together as a couple—as of a few minutes ago—at least I know that none of who I am will be a lie.

Except for the writing part. As much as I wish I could tell them that I'm a big deal now in some circles (they don't have to know which circles), I know I can't. The word would spread so fast and both our lives would come crashing down. It wouldn't be worth it just to have them be impressed for a moment.

"Here we go," I say to Lisa, raising our joined hands in the air in a show of bravery before I take a deep breath and we head inside.

"Jennie, you came!' Chaeng says to me almost immediately, running up from the crowd.

She's looking stunning as usual and she pulls me into a hug. Wow, she's drunk too.

She pulls away, holding me by the shoulders and looks me up in down. "You look fantastic. Have you lost weight? My god, your boobs." She looks over my shoulder at Lisa and raises her brows, seemingly impressed. She leans in and whispers in my ear, "This is your new catch? Damn, she is cute. Where on earth did you find her?"

"Hi I'm Lisa," Lisa says, offering her hand, overhearing it all.

Chaeng shakes it, smiling coyly at Lisa. "And she's English too."

"Yes, she is," Lisa says. "You must be Chaeng."

"I am." She looks around her. "My fiancé David is somewhere, I'll have to track him down. I'll come find you in a bit," she says before she hurries away into the crowd. Many of the people in the crowd now stealing glances my way. I recognize most of them, offering them a timid smile but nothing more. I'm not sure if I should be the stand-offish, shy girl that they knew me as before or go out of my way to be extra nice, to make up for the whole New Year's Eve fiasco.

Lisa places her hand around my waist and pulls me to her. "Remember," she says in my ear, shivers running down my spine. "They aren't important. They don't matter. Let's just do our thing and go."

I nod, licking my lips. She's right. These people never liked me, not the real me. Just the me they thought was acceptable once Sehun was with me.

Speaking of Sehun.

Oh shit.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

He's walking toward me, wearing a grey suit, no tie, a beer grasped casually in his hands. I'm not sure how it's possible but he seems to have extra swagger.

Where the hell did he get the swagger from, that extra confidence?

I paste a stupid fake smile on my face while the rest of me stiffens.

Lisa notices. "This the cold fish?" she whispers at my back.

I don't say anything, my mouth is locked in this ridiculous grin.

"Jennie," Sehun says smoothly, stopping a few feet away. "What a surprise. Really didn't think you'd show after what happened last time."

"Well nothing says engagement quite like my vomit," I tell him.

Lisa bursts out laughing behind me, while Sehun is stunned. Actually I'm stunned. I can't believe I said that though I guess acting poised is a bit of a stretch for me.

"Ha," Sehun says slowly and now he's wearing the fake smile. "You still have that way about you, don't you?"

"Hi, I'm Lisa," Lisa says, offering her hand and what I assume will be her phrase of the night.

Sehun eyes her hand, eyes me, eyes Lisa. Then the fake smile is back and they shake.

"Sehun," he says. "I assume Jennie has told you all about me."

"Only the bad parts."

Sehun frowns at her, Lisa is totally deadpan.

"Ha," Sehun says again, more unsurely now. "You found someone as equally dorky as yourself. So where did you two meet?"

"Dorks anonymous," says Lisa. "We're in recovery but it's a tough road." She winces in mock strife.

This time Sehun can barely offer up a smile. "Uh huh." He covers his mouth with his beer and I swear he's muttering something under his breath.

"Sweetie?" A tall leggy Megan Fox-type woman comes slinking over.

"Oh!" Sehun exclaims, putting his arm around her. She's at least two feet taller than him in her heels and in her short Grecian-styled white dress she looks like she just strolled off the Victoria's Secret runway. "This is Georgia. She's my girlfriend."

I smile at her as we shake hands. I feel like her bones are light enough to belong to a bird and I immediately think of Phenelope. "I'm Jennie."

"Oh I know," she says with a small smile. She looks at Lisa. "And you are?"

Lisa gives her the long head nod. "Lisa."

"Jennie and Lisa. Well this is awkward," she says and we all laugh, even me. At least she knows how to break the ice.

"Where did you two meet?" I ask her, partly out of conversation, partly out of curiosity.

They grin at each other. "Well," Sehun says, his chest practically puffed out. "I met her at a conference. Doctor Ron Teethington was in town doing a lecture. If you don't know, he's one of the leading health experts on gum disease and how it manifests itself into long-term illness. He's one of the reasons why we're fighting to include dental work into BC's health care plan."

Lisa snorts. "Wait a minute, wait a minute," she says, waving her hands. "He's an expert on teeth and his name is Ron Teethington?"

Sehun frowns, exchanging a wary glance with Georgia. "I'm not sure what the problem is."

Yup. That's the Sehun I remember.

"Are you shitting me?" Lisa exclaims, laughing now. "Teethington!"

"Easy, Sterling Archer," I warn Lisa, elbowing her in the side.

"Doctor Teethington is the leading expert in his field," Georgia tries to explain, not appreciating our lack of reverence for her beloved dentist.

Lisa looks at me as if to say, you were with this guy for four years?

I paste another smile on my face, aiming it at them as I grab Lisa's arm. "Well it's been really nice to see you."

"Did you know that Georgia is in med school?" Sehun adds quickly. "She's going to be a genetic scientist. She's going to cure the world of all diseases. How about that for a career."

We're not even together anymore and yet he still has to take a shot at my writing.

"Wow," Lisa says drawing out the word and widening her eyes in mock shock as she looks at Sehun. "That must mean your dick is a lot bigger than mine. Congratulations."

I have to clamp my lips shut to keep from laughing as I haul Lisa toward the bar and away from their confused faces.

"Oh my god!" I exclaim as we get to the bar, swatting her across the chest. "Now he's not going to get the joke and he's going to think he has a larger penis than you." I look over at them across the room, yelling at them, "Which is so not true!"

..

"Two beers," Lisa says to the bartender before turning to me. "I cannot believe you were with that guy for four years. Oh my god. How did you not go bloody insane?"

I shrug sheepishly. "I settled. I was flattered and then I settled."

"Don't you ever fucking settle for me, you promise?" she asks, holding out her pinky finger.

I roll my eyes but shake on it. "I'm not settling for you. I'm practically pining for you."

"Oh really?" she asks, folding her arms and raising her chin. "And this is you pining?"

"I've been showing my pining through blow jobs."

"Hmmm. I guess I approve."

The bartender slides us our drinks but Lisa motions to him. "And a shot of Jameson for the lady and I. Make it two." She winks at me. "Open bar."

"You're driving," I hiss at her.

"We can cab it if we have to," she says. "Something tells me we're going to need a lot of booze to survive this cock up."

"What happened to just going home?"

"Eh, now that I'm here I want to get my money's worth." She takes the shots from the bartender and hands me mine. She holds hers up. "Here's to open bars."

"To open bars," I say.

"And to us."

And even though that perpetual smirk is on her lips, I can see the depth in her eyes, the warmth, the need, the want. The fact that she absolutely has my back through all of this.

"To us."

We slam back the shots—both of them—and then the beers. And then rinse, repeat.

It's not long before I'm completely wasted. I knew I should have eaten something beforehand but I was just too nervous and Ana's dinner of cold beet soup and rye bread wasn't exactly appetizing.

Lisa seems to have my back though. She's with me nearly every step of the way, even indulging me with a drunken dance, until Chaeng sequesters me by myself, introducing me to her fiancé David, whom I think seems nice but he looks like the type of guy who would wear an ascot (if those even exist anymore) and get weekly manicures.

While Chaeng blabbers on and on about David, in front of his face, I get more and more drunk.

One of the last things I remember is seeing Lisa across the room talking to Georgia and Sehun of all people. She seemed to be passionately explaining something and then all their heads swiveled my way.

I think I smiled and waved.

I'm not really sure.

All the world went black.

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..

"It's okay," Lisa says soothingly.

It's not okay.

It's never been less okay.

I'm on her bathroom floor on my knees, hunched over the toilet, vomiting my guts out.

At least it didn't happen last night but I can't be sure of that.

Meanwhile, Lisa is holding my hair back for me, even though I've tried to push her away a few times.

God this is embarrassing. No one wants to vomit in front of someone they're sleeping with.

Or their new girlfriend, I remind myself.

"It's okay," she says again.

I want to tell her it's not okay at all but I obviously can't speak. I heave and heave and heave until I don't have anything left to upchuck.

Then Lisa scoops me up, flushes the toilet, and then leads me to the shower where she strips the both of us naked and steps inside with me.

My legs are shaking, I taste nothing but stomach acid and leftover Jameson, but the moment the hot water hits me, I feel some of last night dissolve.

I moan loudly and place my hands on the shower wall, trying to hold myself up while my head hangs down.

"Darling, don't you dare moan in here like that," she says to me, squirting body wash into her hands and rubbing them together. "I'm not about to take advantage of a hungover wreck. Just as I didn't take advantage of you last night."

"How noble," I mutter.

"Well it's kind of noble when you were attempting to give me a blowjob the entire cab ride back here. Poor cabbie, I had to tip him extra, even though I think he enjoyed your effort. Even when we went to bed, you didn't pass out like I thought you would. Instead you kept at it again."

I manage to look at her, the water running down the strong planes of her face. "Really?"

She nods, sliding her hands over my shoulders. "Yup. I've never seen you so horny. I've also never seen you so smashed before."

When I woke up this morning I felt like I was lying at the bottom of a grave filled with dog-shit and vomit and had to climb my way out. But Lisa was in bed with me and already had water, Gatorade, Advil and a B-Vitamin booster on the bedside table ready to go. Too bad it wasn't long after that I had to run to the bathroom.

"Did I make a fool of myself last night?" I ask her. It almost hurts to speak.

"No," she says. "You were quiet. You kind of went inward. Everyone else was drunk though, so we weren't the only ones, and I made you leave before the party was over."

I breathe in deeply, closing my eyes, water running into my mouth. "Thank god. Did you behave yourself?"

There's a beat of hesitation before she says, "Of course I did," and continues soaping me up. "Want me to shampoo your hair?" she asks and it reminds me of our first time in the shower together.

"Okay," I tell her, relaxing into her as her strong fingers work into my hair. It feels so good to be attended to like this. I know Lisa is naked in the shower with me but I still appreciate how non-sexual it is. Granted, I can feel her erection poking my hip, but still. She's being tender with me, with every touch of her hands, each caress of her eyes as they gaze at me. All that and after puking in front of her, too.

When we get out of the shower, she slips her robe on me and leads me to the living room where she feeds me jasmine tea and organic soup and dotes on me in a way I never thought possible. I mean, beneath my raging head and queasy stomach, my heart feels as if it may burst.

This is more than falling in love.

Fuck it.

I am in love.

And I think she can feel it.

Even when I try to talk about work, she tells me we can discuss that tomorrow and that today is a vacation, a day to recuperate. She's practically doing everything short of feeding me grapes.

"Don't you have to feed Fluffy?" I ask her, my feet on her lap as she squeezes them, giving me a foot massage.

"Bobby took care of that yesterday," she says, visibly shuddering.

"I hate to bring this up, especially as I'm not in the right frame of mind to talk about hairy insects," I say, "but how long do you plan on keeping Fluffy for?"

She tilts her head to me, a piece of dark, thick hair flopping over on her forehead. "Is this your first step as my girlfriend, to get rid of Fluffy and maybe my Lionel Richie records?"

"First of all, Lionel Richie is a god."

"All night long," Lisa belts out.

"All night," I sing back. "And second of all, no. If you're cool with having a giant, ugly, hairy, yet surprisingly delicate, tarantula in your apartment, then I'm fine with it too. But he does seem to cause you permanent anxiety and he's not exactly yours."

She sighs, closing her eyes as she leans back against the cushion. "I know. Kevin might be moving with the divorce and all, I'm not really sure. I hope not. But if he does, he for sure won't be able to take him. Luckily I think Bobby may want him. Crazy bugger."

"That's going to suck," I tell her, knowing how close they are. The way that Lisa acts around Kevin, talks about Kevin, is one of the sweetest things I've seen. I know girls get all soft in the uterus when they see someone with a baby or a puppy but this is kind of the same thing. Lisa's a good older sister and it makes me realize the depths she has inside her, the ability to really love.

"Tell me about it," she says. "You know I never had a brother growing up and even though I'm so much older than Kevin, that's who I see him as. And when he told you I'm his best friend? That's not a lie. I'm the closet friend he has. I worry for both of us if he has to move." She gives me a pleading look. "That's why this LARPing thing is so important. You sure you'll come?"

"When is it again? I'd come even if I wasn't officially your girlfriend."

"Next Sunday."

"That works. Just remember, you are dressing up as Loki."

She glares at me. "Fine. If you dress up for me."

"Fine." I pause, not sure what I'm agreeing to. "As what?"

She taps her fingers against her lips in mock thought. "Hmmm, I better choose wisely, this might be a once in a lifetime experience."

"Don't you dare say Princess Leia in the gold bikini."

"Awwww," She groans loudly in disappointment.

"I'm not wearing a bikini to a glorified renaissance faire slash comic con battle."

"But your body is amazing. And you didn't mind showing it off when I was pounding you on the balcony." She jerks her head to the glass door.

"No," I tell her.

"Okay. Fine." She muses over it. "Jean Grey. As Phoenix. The spandex suit. And you better wear your fucking hair down, Rapunzel."

"Deal."

She sighs, looking at her phone. "I better go get the car back from the winery." She gets up, stretching her arms above her head and my eyes go to the hard planes of her hips, the slice of washboard abs.

"You sure you don't want me to come?" I ask.

"Stay here and rest," she says. "I'll be right back."

She heads for the door.

"Lisa," I call after her, my heart thudding in my ears.

She pauses with the door open and glances at me over her shoulder.

I fucking love you.

"Thanks," I tell her. "For taking care of me."

She breaks into an easy grin. "Of course. You're my girl."

Her girl.

Her girl who is brutally afraid to hand her her heart.

She leaves and I let out the longest breath, collapsing back into the couch. I lie there for a moment, almost being lulled into sleep, when my phone beeps.

I reach for my iPhone and hold it above my face.

It's a text from Chaeng.

Is it true what they're saying? Is this really you?

And then there's an Amazon link.

Oh my god.

Everything in me freezes, ice cold.

I click the link, hoping, hoping, hoping…

It takes me right to the Amazon page for Falling for the Secret Male Stripper.

Holy fuck.

HOLY FUCK.

NOOOOOOOOOO!

The phone drops right on my face, clocking me right on the nose.

"Arrrgh!' I cry out in pain. I sit straight up, my head spinning, everything spinning and fuck my life, is that blood coming out of my nose? I wipe my finger underneath and stare at the red smear.

But that's the least of my worries. I frantically try and open the phone and text Sarah, my fingers shaking as I try and type.

What are you talking about? Where did you hear that?

I see the three dots flashing. They disappear.

Then come back.

Then disappear.

"For fuck's sake, write what you were going to say!" I scream at the phone, shaking it.

Finally: Lisa told Georgia and Sehun. She said you were really successful now and you wrote together. I just wanted to let you know it's cool. I just bought both your books. I had no idea you were that slutty lol.

I stare at the screen, dumbfounded.

She told them.

She told our secret.

She's going to ruin my life.

I text Chaeng back: Please don't tell anyone. That was supposed to be a secret.

Again with the flashing dots.

Then: I'm sorry, I think everyone knows. It's all over Facebook.

"WHAT?!" I scream out loud and instinctively toss my phone across the room.

I cover my face in my hands and rock back and forth on the couch, trying to breath.

It's on Facebook.

My parents are on my Facebook.

Maybe there's still time, I think to myself. Delete every tagged post!

I bring out the laptop and go on Facebook.

It's everywhere.

Some posts are genuinely trying to be helpful "Hey I went to school with this girl and now she's a successful author, check it out." Others are mocking, "Dude, who knew Jennie Kim was such a pervert?" And some are just straight up posting on my page: "Is this true? Is this you?"

I immediately start untagging my name from the posts, praying my parents aren't still friends with anyone from my high school but it's too late.

My phone rings.

I don't even have to look at it to know it's my mother.

I shouldn't answer. I should just ignore it and try and do as much damage control as possible. But what's the point when all the people I was trying to hide this from already know?

The damage is done.

And I'm so fucked.

I answer it.

"Hello?" I ask innocently, pretending that my head isn't on a chopping block.

I just hear heavy, ragged breathing, like one of Khaleesi's dragons figured out how to make a phone call.

Then, "Guess what I found out today?" my mother says, her voice so icy, eerily calm, it chills me to the bone like only she can.

"The world is round after all? Dinosaurs are real?"

She ignores that. "I found out that my daughter is not at all the person I thought she was. I found out that she's a cheap fraud, a charlatan. A hack."

"You heard the news," I say flatly.

"The news? What is wrong with you?" she screeches over the phone. "Do you realize you're going to hell by writing this stuff?"

"I'll probably see Aunt Sylvia there."

"How dare you," she says. "I haven't told your father yet about your, your…hobby. But when I do, I don't know. Jennie, I seriously don't know what he's going to do or say. He might cut you out of the will."

I can barely form words. "Seriously?"

"Oh now you're worried? You don't give a damn about your parents until the money stops flowing is that it? Is that why you think you can write this trash?"

I groan loudly, pressing my fingers into my head. I can't think.

"I don't care about the will," I cry out, feeling my defenses come down. "But why can't you guys just be supportive without going to extremes. Why can't you just accept me as me? That's all I have ever wanted."

"As a daughter who writes porn?" She makes a sound of disgust.

"It's not just porn!" I yell, so sick of this argument. "I'm writing my fantasy just as I always have, the book you don't even care about, but do you know what? Even if I only wrote erotica, I wouldn't care what you have to say. I make people happy! Lisa and I provide readers with fun and entertainment and an escape from their lives, which is a damn good thing because life is hard and really sucks sometimes. Life isn't a fairy-tale and not everyone in gets a happily-ever-after, but in our book world they do. And believe it or not, it's made me a better writer." I pause, breathing hard. "I don't want to be ashamed of it. I'm not. So take it or leave it."

Silence.

I almost think she's hung up.

Then I hear a faint sniff.

"You know," she says venomously, "I had a hard time being proud of you before, for turning down Sehun and your bright future with him and continuing on with your silly degree. But I tried. I did. But now, now it's impossible. I don't even want to tell people you're my daughter anymore."

I can't handle it. I burst into tears and hang up the phone.

Then I collapse to my knees, trying to hold it all together.

Kind of seems impossible now.

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