Disclaimer: I do not own the Fate franchise it belongs to Kinoko Nasu and Type-Moon.

This Cannot End Well

Prologue

"Hello, hello, you newlywed lovebirds. Sorry I'm late, my plane was badly delayed."

Eyes turned to the voice's origin, Sakura Tohsaka walking into the wedding hall with a smile, and causing a storm of cheerful greetings to go up. The young woman was dressed for the occasion, wearing an orange chu-furisode with scattered squares of green and white along the skirt and sleeves. Around her waist, her obi was colored grass-green at the top, before fading to gold along the bottom. Sakura had also dressed up her hair, wearing it in a neat bun crowned with floral hairpins carved from coral and mother-of-pearl.

Little Rin walked next to her, also dressed up in a chu-furisode, hers in pastel blue with a rich spread of cherry blossoms in soft pink. Her obi was similarly pink on top, and fading to gold along the bottom. Unlike Sakura, Little Rin hadn't dressed her hair up, still wearing it in its usual twintails, but conceded to the occasion with the rubies that gleamed darkly on her hairbands.

"Well, well," Shirou Emiya began, waving Sakura's apologies off, sitting in a formal black kimono at the center of the head table. "These things happen, no need to get all worked up over it."

Ayako Mitsuzuri – no, it was Emiya now – nodded next to her husband, wearing a bride's traditional pure white kimono. "The important thing is that you made it." She said warmly.

Sakura beamed. "Thank you very much for understanding." She said. "Now then, since I missed the gift-giving earlier, I think I should start with that. And since the lady comes first before the gentleman…"

Shirou smiled and shook his head, even as Sakura reached into Imaginary Numbers Space, and pulled out a small case made from boxwood. Flipping it open, she exposed a set of ornamental hairpins made from gilded wood, their crowns gleaming with polished jade and sharply-cut diamonds, while trailers made from seed pearls hung from their edges.

"Happy wedding day, Emiya-senpai." Sakura said warmly. "I wish you a long and happy life."

Ayako stood to accept the gift, and pulled Sakura in for a quick hug. "Thanks, Sakura." She said. "I wish the same for you."

Sakura chuckled and nodded, though privately she held doubts that she'd ever get married much less have children of her own. She shoved those thoughts aside though, unwilling to let them cast a pall over such a happy day for her dear friends.

"Hello, Mister Superhero." She teased.

"Don't call me that." Shirou grouched, though he saw the tease for what it was, and knew there was no real malice in it.

Sakura chuckled again, and reaching into Imaginary Numbers Space, pulled out another case, this one made from teak and featuring a heraldic crest of some kind on top. He barely managed to make out words in Spanish and Latin, before Sakura flipped it open, exposing twenty gold-wrapped cigars nestled in purple velvet inside.

"Smoke in moderation." Sakura said with a wink. "Happy wedding day, Emiya-senpai."

"You trying to get my husband killed, Sakura?" Ayako asked with a giggle, as Shirou palmed his face.

"You say that now," Sakura primly said. "But I'll bet that when Shirou finally manages to knock you up, he'll be smoking a cigar while grinning like a loon."

Shirou choked on his sake at that, while Ayako blushed a deep red while looking away in embarrassment. The Mitsuzuris looked just a bit scandalized, though Minori gave his ex a stealthy wink and a thumb-up, causing Sakura to look smug. In contrast, the Fujimuras all burst out in uproarious laughter, none more so than their tipsy family head, Raiga Fujimura.

"I'll take you up on that bet!" he shouted, and pulling out a pack of cash from his sleeve. "Hundred thousand Yen!"

"Raiga-san!" Little Rin happily shouted in recognition, inexplicably popping up next to the old man.

"Oh, Rin-chan!" he recognized her, before lifting – as far as he knew – the Tohsaka family's resident zashiki-warashi to his lap. "Waiter, waiter!"

"Way ahead of you, old man!" Taiga Fujimura – clearly just as tipsy as her grandfather – shouted. "Here you go! Super deluxe!"

"WAAAAAAA-!" Little Rin gaped in awe at a glass bowl placed before her filled with ice cream in dozens of flavors and taller than she was.

"Don't forget your manners." Sakura warned.

"Yes, yes…" Little Rin said with a pout, before taking the spoon that came with the bowl. "…thank you for the meal!"

Raiga laughed indulgently and patted the little spirit. "You're welcome." He said. "Now, eat up, little one. This is a celebration, and you're all friends of the family."

Shirou sighed as he accepted Sakura's gift, and closing the box, closely regarded the crest on top. "Wait…these are…Cuban cigars?" he asked in disbelief. "Aren't these supposed to be illegal?"

"Only in the USA." Sakura said. "And who cares what the Americans think? Of course, if you don't want them, give them back."

Shirou glared at Sakura while holding the case of cigars protectively to himself, causing Ayako to snicker at the sight. "You're welcome, Mister Superhero." Sakura said with a beaming smile, and after a moment, Shirou smiled back.

"Yeah, thanks." He said. "Anyway, you must be tired from your trip, running around the world from Britain to Cuba then to Japan."

"Add Vietnam to that, and you're completely right."

"Vietnam…oh, I see. So that's where you got Ayako's gift…Sakura, you shouldn't have."

Sakura waved him off. "You are my oldest, dearest friends." She said. "Why shouldn't I spend so much for the two of you, and on your day of all days?"

Shirou sighed, rubbing the back of his head. "Well, enough about that." Ayako cut in, and getting up to show Sakura to her seat. "Come on, Sakura. Let's get you seated, and get you something to eat and drink, much like…er, your family's spirit, has already gotten a head start on!"

"Seconds!" Little Rin shouted, to the Fujimuras' delighted laughter.

"How long has this light been flashing?" Kischur Zelretch Schweinorg asked, pointing at a bank of monitors on one side of the room, at one specific light in particular.

"…I don't know." Rin 'Jeweled Sword' Tohsaka replied, looking up from where she was working on a bee-like automaton. "You told me never to touch any of those…"

"And with good reason," Zelretch cut in testily. "The last time a Tohsaka touched this bank of monitors, she almost started WWIII, and entirely by accident at that."

Rin started laughing. "You're joking, right?" she asked, causing Zelretch to glare at her. "You can't be serious!"

"…Tohsakas…ever since your grandfather married an Edelfelt…" Zelretch sourly muttered to himself as he started pressing buttons and turning dials. "…nothing but troublemakers…"

"We're all devils and black sheep, really bad eggs…" Rin muttered spitefully in her turn.

"Don't jinx it…too late…"

"What is it now?"

"Looks like someone used a Kaleidostick…"

"Oh great…just great…" Rin said, throwing her hands up before banging her head against the desk, and despite himself, Zelretch was very much tempted to join her. "…why did you even make that thing in the first place?"

"Good question." Zelretch sourly said. "Anyway…wait, this can't be right."

"Huh?"

Zelretch didn't answer at once, instead running all sorts of diagnostics on his monitors. A printer began to chatter, spitting out a long sheet of paper filled with numbers and letters. Putting on his spectacles, Zelretch closely pored over the data, and confusing the ancient vampire even further.

"The monitors are all working fine…but…this doesn't make any sense…"

"Uh…master? What's going on?"

"A boy used the Kaleidostick."

"That's impossible, the Kaleidostick only works with girls."

"Except that's what the monitors say, and the diagnostics are all coming back normal."

Rin stared at Zelretch. Zelretch stared back at Rin. Rin kept on staring at Zelretch. Zelretch kept on staring back at her.

Finally, Rin sighed and threw her hands up again. "Fine…" she said. "…let's say some kid did use the Kaleidostick…what'd it do? Turn him into a superhero or something in public?"

Rin paused, and then shuddered as she remembered what happened to her when she used the Kaleidostick for the first and last time. "That'll be a mess." She said.

"No…though that would have been preferable." Zelretch said, still poring over the data.

"Oh, come on!"

Zelretch grimaced. "This…this shouldn't be possible." He said in disbelief. "According to this, the Kaleidostick transported the boy across timelines…

"…pretty sure the Kaleidostick doesn't have that ability." Rin said, her eyebrows rising up into her hair.

"It shouldn't have…" Zelretch agreed. "…but it does have an AI. While…improbable, it's possible that some iteration of the Kaleidostick AI managed to evolve beyond its base limitations, and its abilities with it."

"Is that even possible?" Rin asked.

"Jubstacheit, Irisviel, and Illyasviel von Einzbern." Zelretch said, and Rin sighed.

"Point taken." She said. "I'll go call Sakura up and we'll go investigate at once."

"Which one?" Zelretch asked, and Rin gave him a look.

"I'm not going to disturb Sakura Emiya for any reason, she deserves a peaceful life after all the shit the world's force-fed her since…oh, I don't know. The moment she was conceived?" she testily replied. "So, the only Sakura who could and would help me here is…"

Zelretch sighed. "…Murderer Blue." He finished.

A/N

Hello, hello, and welcome to the sequel to Everything and Nothing. We're off to a good start, yes?

For those of you who don't know and can't be bothered to look it up, a chu-furisode is a formal kimono for women. Specifically, it's the one with really wide sleeves, with the full version having sleeves wide enough to trail on the floor. The chu-furisode, though, reduces the width so it doesn't trail on the floor, while still being very wide.

Zashiki-warashi…a Japanese spirit that traditionally takes the form of a child and guarantees good fortune to any family it shares a house with. In return, the family is expected to feed and take care of the spirit, otherwise it will leave…and in leaving, cause really bad luck to befall the family. No, Little Rin is not a zashiki-warashi, but it's a good enough alias as opposed to telling everyone that she's the (supposedly-)vengeful spirit of Sakura's murdered older sister.

Besides, it's not as though the Tohsaka family isn't able to manipulate Fuyuki's leylines to grant good fortune to people they favor.

Of course, while Shirou and Ayako are having a very happy wedding (no, whatever bad guys need killing, they won't be disturbing those now or during the honeymoon, give the lovebirds a break), elsewhere, things are starting to go pear-shaped. Like the title says, this cannot end well.