Disclaimer: I do not own the Fate franchise it belongs to Kinoko Nasu and Type-Moon.

This Cannot End Well

Chapter 3

"Well," Zelretch began, speaking through a hologram of himself projected from a mystic code in Rin's hand. "What's the situation?"

"We have the boy who used the Kaleidostick to travel between timelines." Rin said at once. "We still don't know yet how he did that, or how he's even able to use the Kaleidostick in the first place. We'll look into it, though. Back to the kid…his name's Nagato Tohsaka, and no, he's not my ancestor. Just someone named after him. His parents are…well, alternate versions of myself and Shirou Emiya."

"…is that all you've found out?" Zelretch asked, his face looking tight and suspicious.

"No." Rin said with a shake of her head. "We've also found out he was running from his timeline's Shinji Matou, who wanted to kidnap him to get at his parents. Said parents have also been busy playing Bonnie and Clyde…"

Tom started snickering at that, causing Sakura to look at him curiously, even as Rin kept on going. "…the Matou have usurped Fuyuki," she continued. "Built or grown some kind of…flesh-construct, to subvert another Kaleidostick to their purposes. Enough that that timeline's version of Shinji Matou has arrived in this timeline, chasing after Nagato. Oh, and in that timeline, Fuyuki is apparently caught in some kind of temporal anomaly where space-time is…fractured, with some places thrown back into the 19th Century, and others an indeterminate amount of time into the future."

Rin paused and then shrugged. "Sorry," she said. "But nothing good, aside from keeping scum like Shinji from getting his hands on an innocent little boy."

Zelretch started rubbing his temples. "I think I know which timeline you're referring to." He said. "In all honesty, that timeline's headed straight for a quantum timelock, barring a miracle in the next few years."

Tom stiffened. "What?" he gasped.

Zelretch blinked, then looked past Rin and narrowed his eyes at the young man a few feet away. "Wait a minute…" he muttered before raising his voice. "…I know you. Enforcer Sawyer, yes?"

"Um…that's right, sir." Tom said, suddenly looking uncomfortable.

"Hold that thought." Zelretch said, holding up a finger before vanishing. The line stayed open, though, and after a few moments, Zelretch returned, wearing his spectacles and leafing through a book of some kind. "It says here that you've been ordered to hold position and await reinforcements…Sawyer, what did you do?"

"…I…er…that is…um…"

"Sawyer…"

Tom threw his hands up and sighed. "I infiltrated Mister Matou's ranks and came with them to this timeline." He said. "It was a…opportunity, especially when he had only limited support here. Whether to bring him in for questioning…or to just execute for his various crimes."

"More likely to avenge your partner." Zelretch dryly said, and getting to the heart of the matter.

A muscle in Tom's cheek twitched, and he clenched his fists. "He killed Jimmy, sir." He said. "With all due respect, sir, I owe it to Jimmy to pay Mister Matou back for that, otherwise I wouldn't be able to show my face around in Missouri ever again."

Zelretch sighed, pinching his nose before massaging his temples and muttering under his breath. "Tohsaka and Sawyer…" he finally said. "…troublemakers, all of you."

Tom smiled sadly. "Family tradition sir, you know that." He said.

"Quite." Zelretch said.

"Wait…" Sakura suddenly chimed in. "…are you…are you actually implying that you're a descendant of the Tom Sawyer? From Mark Twain's novels?"

"Yes." Tom said before smiling at her. "What, did you think Mark Twain, bless his memory, pulled all that out of thin air? Granted, a lot of the stuff in the novels was exaggerated, but not by much."

"I'll be right back." Sakura said, before quickly striding out of the workshop.

"So…now what?" Rin asked with a cough.

"…get the boy out of there." Zelretch said after a moment. "As in out of Fuyuki and out of Matou's reach. Sawyer, as of this moment, you're assigned to look after the Tohsaka sisters. Keep them alive, keep them safe, and most importantly, keep them from getting out of hand."

"Sir?"

Zelretch gave Rin a look, causing her to blush and look away. "The last time they dealt with a…issue," he said. "They triggered a mass aurora event in Eastern Europe, on top of setting the Central European lords wrangling among each other."

"You wanted to stop the feud between Tohsaka and Forvedge-Icecolle, and to a lesser extent, with Edelfelt, so we stopped it." Rin testily said. "What's the issue?"

"You killed all the Forvedge-Icecolles!" Zelretch snapped.

"They were trying to kill me and Sakura!" Rin snapped back. "And no, we didn't kill them all. Fiore Forvedge is still alive and well, likewise for the children of the family. As for the lords wrangling among each other, they were doing that even before the Trifas Incident. If anything, the wrangling should be less, thanks to the newly-formed alliance between the Yggdmillennia, Roche, and Musik families."

Zelretch pinched his nose and counted to ten. "…just…try and be subtle this time, Rin." He said.

"We'll do what we can." She replied, and Zelretch gave her a long look before shaking his head.

"In the meantime," he continued. "I'll see what I can do on the other side of the problem. Damn Matou…worse than Einzbern, I swear…"

Muttering to himself about idiots chasing after utopian dreams, Zelretch cut the line. As if on cue, Sakura returned, carrying a book and a pen with her. She thrust both towards Tom with a grin. "Autograph, please!" she said.

Tom looked bemused. "You do realize I'm not actually the Tom Sawyer, right?" he asked.

"You're his descendant, which is good enough for me." Sakura replied.

Still looking bemused, Tom took the book and pen, noticing the former as a copy of The Adventures of Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain. Opening the book, he signed the front page, before handing it back to Sakura, who looked like she was barely holding back from jumping around in glee.

Similarly looking bemused, Rin decided to distract Sakura with conversation. "So," she began. "What's the line of descent? No need to get too detailed, just give us the rundown."

Tom sighed. "Well, obviously there's Tom Sawyer the Elder," he said. "Whose childhood Twain dramatized in his novels. He became the first magus of our family, after he pillaged some books on magecraft from a Southern magus in the Civil War. Then there's Tom Sawyer Junior, who made us really wealthy from various investments in the late-19th Century, while also getting plenty of chances to sharpen the family magic against Southern traitors looking for revenge."

Rin and Sakura blinked and shared a look at that. "Tom Sawyer III fought in WWI, but aside from that, he largely had a peaceful life." Tom continued. "Tom Sawyer IV, though, fought in WWII, and like Tom the Elder, he added a lot to our family magic by looting the workshops of dead Nazi magi. Tom Sawyer V, my grandpa, unfortunately got killed in Vietnam, then there's my dad, Tom Sawyer VI, and finally, me."

"…I get the feeling you'd get along very well with the Edelfelts." Rin remarked.

Tom looked amused. "Because they also have a habit of looting their enemies?" he asked.

"Yes."

Tom laughed. "All magi steal from each other whenever they can." He said. "It's honestly quite funny that some families get famous for it, or individual magi get censured for getting caught trying to steal from other magi."

"Isn't it your job to keep that from happening, though?" Sakura asked. "I mean, Enforcer, and all that."

"Not really," Tom said with a shrug. "The College of Law's job is really to just keep us all from killing each other down to the last man. Okay, that's an exaggeration, but not by much."

"In other words," Rin softly said. "Keep things at least semi-orderly, to say nothing of protecting the Masquerade."

"Or hunting vampires…" Tom said with a shudder. "…anyway, I joined the College of Law because my family's magic is just a bit too combat-oriented for any other department."

"Well, that's not really any of our business…" Sakura said with a cough. "…anyway, now what?"

"We find a way to keep Nagato safe." Rin said. "And I agree with the Wizard Marshal. The best way to do that is to get Nagato out of Fuyuki."

"Uh-huh…and then what?" Sakura asked. "I mean, the kid can't stay in this timeline forever. Also, what about the Kaleidostick?"

"Well, I did say we'd keep looking into the latter." Rin said. "As for the former…yeah, next time we get in touch with the Wizard Marshal, we need to ask about his parents."

Tom smiled. "Curious about your other self, eh?" he asked.

Rin didn't answer at once, but she did clench her fists. "I do have something I want to ask her about, yes." She admitted, and causing Sakura to narrow her eyes. "We should focus on keeping Nagato safe for now, maybe after we get something to eat. That, and I need to borrow a bathtub, Sakura."

"Going to bathe the kid?" Sakura asked before chuckling. "Well, we did find him hiding in a dumpster, so go ahead. In the meantime, I'm going to order pizza. Any special requests, from anyone?"

"So…you're not my mommy?"

"No, I'm just her cousin." Rin replied, wearing only a towel in one of the larger toilets of the Tohsaka mansion, sitting on a stool while washing Nagato's hair. "I guess I really do look like her, huh?"

"Mommy has longer hair." Nagato said.

"I see." Rin said with a nod. "And your daddy?"

"…mommy's worried about him." Nagato said after a moment. "She says daddy's hair turning white is a bad thing, especially since his skin's also turning brown. I don't understand, though. Why is daddy's hair and skin color a problem?"

"…I…I don't know…" Rin lied through her teeth. She knew the answer of course, and were Nagato even a few years older, she'd have told him the truth. Maybe Shirou could be stopped from turning into EMIYA by his son where his mistress had failed…

…or would it just turn into something out of Greek tragedy, with Shirou as the 'hero' who unknowingly kills his son and gets cursed for it?

Considering how much of an idiot he can be, I would not be surprised.

"…how old are you, anyway?" Rin asked.

"I'm eight." Nagato replied.

"How'd you get the Kaleidostick?" Rin asked. "Or, where did you get it?"

"Miss Luvia gave it to me." Nagato said, looking and sounding sad. "She said…she said something about a trap, and grabbed me before running. She told me to just…keep my head down…but after fighting a few fights, she gave me the Kaleidostick, showed me how to use it, and then telling me to use it to escape, went off to fight."

Nagato paused and looked up at Rin. "I…I don't know what happened to Miss Luvia after that." He said softly.

"It's not your fault, Nagato." Rin quickly reassured him. "Luvia…Luvia's a good person…she would have wanted you to be safe, especially with everything she did to get you here."

Nagato nodded in silence, even as Rin began to rinse him. They stayed silent until they both finished rinsing, and then got into the tub to soak. Nagato hummed to himself while splashing about…

…and then yelled in surprise and fear as Little Rin surfaced on the other side of the tub. "Hello!" she happily greeted, completely dry and unaffected by the hot water despite being (semi-)tangible and fully-dressed in the tub. "My name's Rin! Just Rin, but you can call me little big sister, just like my sister, Sakura does!"

"W-w-w-w-what?" Nagato stammered out, clinging fearfully to Rin.

Rin sighed and looked reprovingly at Little Rin. "Maybe you should start over from scratch?" she suggested. "As in, introduce yourself properly, and apologize for scaring him earlier?"

Little Rin scoffed and childishly looked away while crossing her arms. It was so…very herself, that Rin couldn't help but smile and shake her head.

"I'm sorry for scaring you earlier," Little Sakura began. "But we needed to get you out into the open. Anyway, my name's Rin, and I'm Sakura Tohsaka's little big sister. Also, I'm actually a ghost, so…"

"A G-G-G-GHOST…?" Nagato echoed in a terrified squeak.

Rin sighed and gently threw her head back in exasperation. "So much for starting over from scratch." She thought.

"That's a lot of pizza." Rin observed.

"There's a lot of people in the house today." Sakura replied, already taking a slice of pepperoni and cheese for herself.

"…fair." Rin conceded after a moment. In addition to a 16-inch pepperoni and cheese pizza, there was another 16-inch garlic and cheese pizza, as well as a large bucket of chicken wings and potato wedges each, along with two trays of carbonara pasta. After another moment, Rin decided to just go with the flow, and took a slice of pizza for herself. "So, what's the plan? I mean, the two of you weren't idle while I was bathing Nagato, before the pizza arrived. Sure, I might have opinions of my own, but let's hear what you've got first."

"We need to get Nagato to London." Sakura replied. "He'll be the safest there."

"London, really?"

"He's the Tohsaka heir." Tom pointed out. "Sure, not in this timeline, but he can claim sanctuary on that basis, and to be honest, dealing with Lord Whatchamacallit or von Butt or whatnot is going to be easier compared to whatever mad schemes the Matou are up to."

"That," Sakura said with a nod. "And we can always ask Lord Edelfelt for help. She's surprisingly nice, now that she's calmed down. Most of the time, at least…"

Sakura trailed off with a sigh, while Rin looked curious. "I'll tell you later." Sakura said in response. "For now, suffice to say it's connected to why I'm with Spiritual Invocation now instead of with Modern Magecraft Theories."

Rin choked on her pizza. "Wait, you're with Spiritual Invocation now?" she asked in surprise. "Under Lord El-Melloi?"

"Yes, that's my boss." Sakura said with a sigh. "A surprisingly nice one, all things considered. I've got a bigger stipend now than under Lord Beckenstein, plus all sorts of privileges in the Clock Tower…"

"…but she gets to boss you around." Rin concluded.

"Well, yes." Sakura said.

"Any instance in particular you can share?" Tom asked while tearing chicken with his teeth.

"I've only participated in one expedition under Lord El-Melloi so far." Sakura said with a shrug. "Then I went on leave to attend Mister Superhero's wedding."

"Mister Superhero?" Tom echoed uncertainly.

"This timeline's version of well, this kid's male originator." Rin clarified.

Tom snorted, and then laughed. "Originator? Male originator?" he echoed while laughing. "That's new."

Rin smiled and shrugged. "What can I say?" she asked before taking a bite of pizza. "I have a way with words."

"You could have just said male genetic donor." Sakura pointed out.

Rin shrugged. "Too cold and clinical." She said. "Nowhere near as funny."

"…fair." Sakura conceded, and Tom laughed again.

"Are you seeing this?" Rin asked.

"No, I'm not." Sakura dully replied, and smirked as Rin threw her a reproving look. "Alright, what do you have? Hey, isn't that Nagato's Kaleidostick?"

"Yeah," Rin said. "He said Luvia – that timeline's version of her at any rate – gave it to him. She also showed him how to use it."

"But…how…?"

"Take a look at this."

Sakura took the offered mystic code, and narrowed her eyes at the metallic studs drilled into the heart and along the outer rim. Then studying their metaphysical imprint, her eyes widened, and she gasped in realization.

"Are they doing what I think they're doing?" she asked.

"Yup." Rin said, taking back the Kaleidostick. "Apparently, it suppresses the AI's personality matrices, along with higher-level interaction protocols. Or in more basic terms, it reduces the AI from, well, an AI into a simple OS."

"Allowing any user to use the Kaleidostick," Sakura said in awe. "And as they please without all the 'help' the AI would usually give."

"More trouble than help, usually." Rin agreed, before activating the Kaleidostick, causing a holographic screen to appear over the mystic code's head. "Huh…this one's called Sapphire. Let's see…how to use this…oh, there we go. Okay…user profile…done…selection…oh, wow. This is amazing…I want to try this out. Here we go! Sakura, step back!"

Sakura obliged, Rin also getting up while holding the Kaleidostick before her. As she pressed a glowing icon, a mandala appeared around her feet, rings rising to surround her before vanishing into a pillar of light. After a few moments, the pillar faded, revealing an older version of Rin, encased in full plate armor over a blood-red gambeson. Her breastplate had some kind of heraldic crest on it, and her pauldrons featured ornamental sculpting.

"Rin…?" Sakura asked cautiously.

"…apparently, this is the me from Timeline…" Rin trailed off while looking at the Kaleidostick's display. "…it's just a long string of numbers and letters, but apparently, the me there is a Paladin."

"Aren't those the French version of the Knights of the Round?" Sakura asked.

"Not those Paladins." Rin replied. "Just…knights, who share the same title as them…hmm…"

Rin lifted her greatsword, runes along the blade beginning to glow. "Okay, that's enough." Sakura said. "Let's not mess around with potential Noble Phantasms and bring the house down."

"Spoilsport." Rin said before sticking out her tongue, and then returning to normal. Then she offered the Kaleidostick to Sakura. "Here, you try."

Sakura looked torn between suspicion and curiosity, the former fading as she scrolled Sapphire's control panel. After a few minutes, she too was engulfed in a pillar of light, and transformed into a tanned version of herself, tattooed with jagged lines in red, and wearing only a long skirt and a sleeveless shirt that left far too much of her belly bare. Her hair was longer too, reaching past her waist, and threaded through with gold. And around her head, she wore a heavy horned headdress of gold ornamented with gems.

"…okay, what are you?" Rin asked.

"Apparently," Sakura said, looking at Sapphire's display. "This is from…um…a Sumerian world timeline…and…I'm the High Priestess of…Ereshkigal…huh…wait, no. That can't be right."

"What?" Rin asked.

"Ereshkigal's the goddess of death." Sakura replied even as she returned to normal. "Not to mention the most feared out of the entire Sumerian pantheon. Even Ishtar didn't dare cross her."

"Well, Ishtar was just the goddess of love…wait, no. Wasn't she also the goddess of war?"

"Yes…"

"…anyway, this is pretty academic. Let's focus on figuring out how Luvia managed to develop those inhibitors, and how she put them on Sapphire. If we can pull that off, we can finally make use of Ruby safely."

"Agreed…though, we should also see how Sapphire was even able to travel between timelines, when that's not an ability it should have."

"Huh, good point." Rin agreed, taking back Sapphire and starting to look deeper into its programming, to try and figure out the how and why of its functions. Meanwhile, Sakura pulled out pens and papers, along with various tools and mystic codes, to assist her and Rin's efforts to learn about a Kaleidostick's full abilities, as well as how to break them so as to actually use them instead of simply being humiliated by their sociopathic AIs.

A/N

Before anyone asks, yes, Tom the Elder married Becky Thatcher.

Of course, while it's all well and good to say that Nagato would be safe in London, getting there is something else entirely. That, and they still have to get him back home (assuming Zelretch doesn't just write the timeline off and keep Nagato in this or some other timeline).