"Oh, it was no ordinary Pokédex. I had recorded several voice clips for it. Things like, 'This isn't the time to use that!' and 'That's too important to toss!' …You see, Red was always very responsive to my voice. So we programmed his Pokédex to play those voice clips whenever he was about to do something, erm, inadvisable. Wherever he went, I was his voice of reason."
—Professor Oak
~·~
Start Time: 1d 11h 32m
~·~
[All right! RATTATA was caught!]
"HOORAY!" Red cheered, waving around his arms. "WE BALLED A RAT!"
"Yes!" said Abby. "A third teammate! Praise the Moon Stone!"
"Praise the Helix Fossil," Pidgey corrected.
"Yeah, yeah," Abby said, rolling her eyes. "Whatever." She walked up to the Poké Ball, and pressed the button between its red and white halves.
A beam of light shot out of the Poké Ball. The light took shape, and materialized: a small, purple rat. He looked around, startled. A red, scaly Charmeleon was smiling down at him; a small Pidgey stood next to her, dwarfed by the tall grass. "Welcome to the team," said the Charmeleon. "I'm Abby K. Obviously, you've met Pidgey—you just battled him."
"Hello, again," said the Pidgey.
"Was that a battle?" said the Rattata. "You just stood there while that kid banged some sort of rock on his head."
Rattata pointed. Elsewhere in the tall grass, Red was mashing buttons on his Pokédex.
[Do you want to give a nickname to RATTATA?]
"Whoa!" said the Rattata. He looked around. "Who said that?"
"Oh, that's just the talking Pokédex," said Abby.
The Pokédex announced—letter by letter—Rattata's nickname: JLVWNNOOOO.
Red laughed. "Jill Vewnoo!" he shouted. "Jay Vee! Jay Lew NOOOO!" Then he raised his arms and announced: "JAY LENO!"
"Jay Leno, huh?" Abby said, scratching her chin. "I like it."
"Indeed," said Pidgey. "It is a name befitting a noble warrior."
"Yeah. They'll call him something like Jay Leno the Brave, or Jay Leno the Mighty."
"I believe the whole world will one day know, and fear, the name of Jay Leno."
Jay Leno was laughing. "You guys see how ridiculous this is, right?" he said. "I mean, that kid just typed a bunch of random letters for my name. I mean, I'm not knocking it—it's hilarious—but, like… you guys see it, right?"
"Red's actions are less 'ridiculous' than they appear," said Pidgey. "For he is guided, at every step, by the holy Helix Fossil."
"The Moon Stone, you mean," Abby said, crossing her arms.
Pidgey hopped closer to Jay. "She has been led astray," Pidgey whispered. "Do not be tempted by her false god."
Jay stared at Pidgey for a while, waiting for the punchline. Pidgey just nodded.
Jay cracked a smile. "Okay," he said, "I have no idea what's going on here, but it sounds freaking hilarious."
~·~
"Up, down, down," Red muttered, running back and forth. "Down, up, left, right… GOTTA BEAT MISTY… up, left, start…"
Cerulean Gym contained a giant indoor swimming pool, where several trainers swam and trained their water-type Pokémon. On that pool was an elaborate set of piers. And on those piers, Red stumbled around, muttering, while his Pokémon watched.
"So… he's always like this?" said Jay.
"Not always," said Pidgey.
"Yeah," said Abby. "He seems normal now. But sometimes, he gets kinda weird."
"Hilarious," Jay whispered to himself. "Freaking. Hilarious."
The piers led to a floating arena. Red wandered onto it. Then he wandered off. Then he wandered on again. "…Left, up, a, b, left…"
"And this guy beat a Gym Leader?" said Jay. "How?"
"Trade secret," Abby said, grinning.
"What does that mean?"
"You again?" said a new voice.
By the wall, across the pool, was a lifeguard's chair. A red-haired girl was climbing down. She dove into the pool, swam to the arena, and climbed onto it. She faced Red.
"I told you," said Misty, "this isn't a day care. My gym is for serious trainers to do serious training. Not… this." She gestured at Red, who was fiddling with his Pokédex, listening to various Pokémon cries. "Are you even listening to me?" She grabbed a Poké Ball. "How many times do I have to humiliate you before you get the message?"
She opened the Poké Ball. A beam of light shot out. It materialized, becoming star-shaped and golden-brown. "Go, Staryu!"
"JAY LENO WILL WIN IT ALL!" shouted Red.
"I will?" said Jay.
"You're up, Jay," Abby said, grinning.
"I am?" said Jay.
Hesitantly, Jay stepped forward, toward Staryu.
You always remember your first battle with Red.
I know I do. I know Jay did, too. He used to talk about it all the time.
Because the moment Jay stepped forward, the world stopped making sense.
Voices filled his head. Hundreds of voices. No—thousands. All contradictory. Shouting at each other, and past each other. Shouting at everything, and everyone.
Colors filled his vision. More colors than he could ever imagine. It was like he was seeing a whole new spectrum—vastly, vastly expanded. Everything was so bright.
And it all blended together. The world was like one big blur. One giant lump of clay. Endless potential. Limitless possibilities. For the first time ever, Jay was seeing past the is, and into the could be.
"What the hell?" he said, panicked yet exhilarated.
"I know, right?" Abby shouted. "It's awesome!"
"Don't be alarmed!" said Pidgey. "Focus on the task at hand!"
But Jay couldn't focus. He was completely overwhelmed.
"I…can't attack!" he said. "I'm trying, but… I can't!"
"Don't worry!" said Abby. "Red is consulting the Moon Stone! Praise the Moon Stone!"
Red rubbed the Moon Stone on his cheek.
[This isn't the time to use that!]
"Do not heed false idols!" said Pidgey. "Consult the Helix Fossil!"
Red rubbed the Helix Fossil on his other cheek.
[This isn't the time to use that!]
"No way! Moon Stone!"
"Let Helix guide you!"
Red rubbed harder.
[This isn't the time to use that!]
From its jewel-like eye, Staryu shot bursts of water at Jay, knocking the air out of him; Jay rolled backwards, hurt.
[Critical hit!]
Jay panted. The voices faded. The colors dimmed. The world went back to normal.
[JLVWNNOOOO fainted!]
"Wait, what?" said Jay. "I fainted? But… I'm still awake. Unless…" His eyes widened. "Unless this is a dream. But then… what's real?"
"Relax," said Abby. "'Fainted' is just trainer lingo. It means that you're too hurt to fight anymore."
"Oh. Um. I knew that. I was just… joking. Yeah."
Meanwhile, Pidgey and Staryu dueled. Pidgey flapped his wings, and sent Staryu tumbling with a powerful Gust. Staryu got up, and he threw his whole body at Pidgey, tackling him. Abby and Jay watched from the edge of the arena.
"So… what the heck was that?" said Jay.
"Hm?" said Abby.
"That… thing that happened, when I was battling."
"Oh, yeah." Abby smiled. "Awesome, right?"
"What was it, though?"
[PIDGEY fainted!]
"Oops," said Abby. "Looks like I'm up."
"Be careful," said Jay. "You're weak against water-type attacks."
Abby snorted, rolled her eyes, and stepped forward.
[Do it! ABBBBBBK(!]
Abby ran toward Staryu. Staryu fired bursts of water at her. Some of them hit. The flame on Abby's tail dimmed slightly. But Abby ran up to Staryu and scratched it several times with her long, sharp claws.
[Enemy STARYU fainted!]
[ABBBBBBK( grew to level 25!]
"Wow," said Jay. "She's really good at this."
"Abby and Red share a special bond," said Pidgey, standing next to him.
"Okay," Misty said, withdrawing Staryu. "That's enough warming up. Go, Starmie!"
While Abby and Starmie dueled, Jay and Pidgey talked.
"So," said Jay, "her bond with Red makes her strong?"
"Indeed," said Pidgey. "A battle is never between two Pokémon; nor is it between two trainers. It is between two teams. During battle, trainer and Pokémon become one."
"Like some sort of mind meld?"
"You experienced it yourself, did you not?"
"Yeah, but… it felt really weird. Is that normal?"
Pidgey smiled. "Nothing about Red is normal, you will find."
Meanwhile, Starmie's powerful blasts knocked Abby to the ground.
[ABBBBBBK( fainted!]
"Ah, crap," Abby muttered, standing up.
[RED is out of useable POKéMON!]
[RED blacked out!]
"NOOO!" Red cried. "Helix help us! MOON STONE LIGHT THE WAY!"
"He blacked out?" said Jay. "But… he's still awake. Unless…"
"Again: trainer lingo," said Abby, walking closer. "'Blacked out' just means he has to go back to the last Pokémon Center he visited."
"The Abra should be here shortly," said Pidgey.
"The what?" said Jay.
"The me," said an Abra, who appeared from nowhere.
Suddenly, Jay was outside, in the streets of Cerulean City. He looked around, perplexed. He saw Red, and Abby, and Pidgey. He saw the yellow, foxlike Abra. They were all by the Pokémon Center's front entrance.
"He's new," Abby said, pointing at Jay.
"Gotcha," said Abra. He faced Jay. "Sorry, pal," he said. "Official Pokémon League rules. You run out of Pokémon, then you're back to the Pokémon Center. You won't go yourself, then I gotta teleport you. For a fee."
"Joke's on him," Abby whispered to Jay. "We ran out of money a while ago."
~·~
Jay focused on Staryu. He tried to ignore the voices, and colors, and the absolute chaos jamming his senses.
He ran, and slammed his head into the weakened Staryu.
[Enemy STARYU fainted!]
[JLVWNNOOOO grew to level 10!]
"BASED JAY LENO!" Red shouted. "JAY LENO WILL SAVE THE RUN!"
"All right!" said Abby. "Way to go!"
"Your training has paid off," said Pidgey. "You are growing accustomed to Red's Twitch."
"I still don't get what that means," said Jay. "I…"
Then Misty sent out her second, and strongest, Pokémon. Two purple stars. A large, red, jewel-like eye. It was much bigger than Staryu. Much more intimidating. Suddenly, Jay felt overwhelmed. The voices distracted him; the colors distracted him; the chaos distracted him.
Starmie blasted Jay with a foamy stream of bubbly water.
[JLVWNNOOOO fainted!]
~·~
"…Up, down, start…" Red muttered. He wandered aimlessly around the blue-tiled streets of Cerulean. A river babbled nearby.
"The key is to look inside yourself," Abby told Jay. "Just do what you wanna do."
"I was trying," Jay complained. "And it was working… until Starmie came out. That thing is scary."
"You do not fear Starmie," said Pidgey. "You fear yourself. You fear your own judgment. To battle with Red, however, you must learn to trust yourself."
"Yeah," said Abby. "It's not just about following a command."
"No kidding," said Jay. "When I battle with Red, it feels like I'm being given a thousand commands. It's freaky."
"That is the beauty of the Twitch," said Pidgey. "It provides a multitude of paths. One path is yours. But you must not force it. Nor must you shy away from it. Trust yourself, and you will find your path naturally."
~·~
Red wandered west, to Route 4, where a field of tall grass sprouted at the foot of Mt. Moon. Here, Red had captured Jay Leno. Now, Jay and the others battled wild Pokémon, trying to become stronger.
"Well, we still haven't beaten Misty," said Abby. "But we beat a bunch of other people."
"Yeah," said Jay. "We even got a Nugget from that Team Rocket guy on that bridge."
Presently, Red was rubbing the golden Nugget on his forehead.
[This isn't the time to use that!]
"Ick," Abby said, scowling. "Team Rocket. Hate those guys. They were all over Mt. Moon, you know."
"They sought the Helix Fossil," said Pidgey. "And the Dome Fossil, as well."
"Yeah, right. They were probably looking for the Moon Stone."
"Wait, wait, wait," said Jay. "What's the Dome Fossil?"
"We found two fossils in Mt. Moon," Abby explained. "I mean—some nerd found them. But we beat that nerd in a battle, so he let Red keep one. Red took the Helix Fossil—because Pidgey wanted it—and the other guy took the Dome Fossil."
"As long as the Dome is out there," Pidgey said morbidly, "we will never be fully safe."
"The Moon Stone will keep us safe!" said Abby.
"False gods provide no safety."
"False gods? You mean like the Helix Fossil?"
Jay was laughing. "Hey, guys," he said, "what about the Nugget? False god? True god? What do you think?"
They looked at Red. He was licking the Nugget. Abby and Pidgey glanced at each other.
"The Nugget is kind of a wildcard," said Abby.
"It has yet to prove its allegiance," said Pidgey.
Jay laughed. "You guys, uh—you know how kooky you sound, right?" he said. "I mean, don't get me wrong—it's hilarious, and I'm cool with it. But, like… you get that, objectively, you sound completely bananas, right?"
"Pfft," Abby said, rolling her eyes. "Atheists."
~·~
[What? PIDGEY is evolving!]
Pidgey glowed white. He grew immensely, tripling in height. A crest of feathers sprouted on his head. Gradually, the glow faded.
[PIDGEY evolved into PIDGEOTTO!]
"BIRD IS BIG!" Red cheered. "PRAISE MOON STONE! PRAISE HELIX! PRAISE NUGGET!"
"Way to go-go, Pid-gey-oh-toh!" Abby cheered.
"That was awesome!" said Jay. "You went from my size to Abby's size!"
Pidgeotto smiled, and flapped his large wings.
"How do you feel?" Abby asked.
"Strong," Pidgeotto answered.
Abby grinned. "Strong enough to beat Misty?"
~·~
[RED blacked out!]
~·~
"Guess not," said Abby. "Next time, though…"
~·~
[RED blacked out!]
~·~
[RED blacked out!]
~·~
[RED blacked out!]
~·~
"This time, though…" said Abby.
Red stumbled around on the piers of Cerulean Gym, muttering to himself. He pulled the Moon Stone out of his bag, and started licking it.
[This isn't the time to use that!]
"That's right, Red!" said Abby. "Consult the Moon Stone! The Moon Stone will lead us to victory!"
Pidgeotto shook his head sadly. "I pray that he tosses aside that false idol."
"That would be pretty funny," said Jay. He snickered. "Imagine if he just, like, threw it into the pool."
Suddenly, Red threw the Moon Stone into the pool.
[Threw away MOON STONE.]
"NOOO!" said Red, sinking to his knees, putting his hands to his head. "THE MOON STONE HAS FALLEN! RIP THE RUN! RIP in pieces RIP in pepperoni RIP RIP RIP…"
Jay laughed uncontrollably. Pidgeotto smiled smugly. Abby sank to her knees, and sighed. "Goodbye, Moon Stone," she said quietly. "I'll always remember the great times we had together. Like that time Red pulled you out in the middle of a battle. Or that other time Red pulled you out during a battle. Or those five hundred other battles where Red pulled you out for absolutely no apparent reason. Yeah. We had some great times." She saluted. "Bon voyage."
"You have done well, Jay," said Pidgeotto, "although you might not realize it."
"Well, you're right about the 'not realize it' part," said Jay. "I didn't do anything."
"Trainers subconsciously pick up on cues from their Pokémon," Abby said, sounding dejected. "Red threw away our lord and savior because you guys wanted him to."
"Oh. Huh."
"It is for the best," said Pidgeotto. "Now, perhaps, victory is within reach."
~·~
[RED blacked out!]
~·~
"You again?" said Misty, facing Red on the arena. "What is this—the twelfth time? Give it a rest." She grabbed a Poké Ball. "I'll just keep defeating you until you get the message!"
Out came Staryu. Pidgeotto flew forth.
Within minutes, Pidgeotto's powerful Gusts had caused Staryu to faint.
"You've gotten better," Misty said, withdrawing Staryu. "But not good enough!"
Out came Starmie. "THE DEATH STAR!" cried Red. "HELIX SAVE US!"
Jay recoiled. "I really hate that guy."
"It's fine," said Abby. "Pidgeotto's got this."
Pidgeotto and Starmie fought intensely. Wind and water everywhere. Starmie shot small watery bullets and powerful bubbly streams. Pidgeotto tried to dodge them. He flapped his wings, and blew sand into Starmie's jewel-like eye. Starmie shot a stream of bubbles, and missed. Pidgeotto flapped, and blew more sand.
"He's using a lot of Sand-Attacks," said Jay. "Shouldn't he go for damage?"
"He's setting up," said Abby. "He trusts us."
"SMOGON STRATS!" said Red.
A stream of bubbles hit Pidgeotto square in the chest. He fell out of the air.
[PIDGEOTTO fainted!]
"My turn," said Abby. She ran out, replacing Pidgeotto on the arena.
"Be careful!" said Jay. "Just one of those BubbleBeams is enough to make you faint!"
Abby turned her head, and smiled at Jay. "Watch this," she said.
[ABBBBBBK( used BIDE!]
"Oh, crap!" said Jay. "You'll be a sitting duck! I mean… a sitting lizard!"
Abby winked at him.
Starmie fired and fired. BubbleBeam. Water Gun. BubbleBeam.
They all missed.
"What…?" said Jay.
"See?" said Abby. "There's nothing to be afraid of."
Starmie kept attacking, and kept missing.
"You're not fighting alone," said Abby. "You don't have to be scared. We're a team. Just do what you can, and leave the rest to us." She retreated. "Your turn."
Jay felt an invisible force tugging at him. Red was calling him out.
He ran forward. The voices returned. The chaos returned.
He faced Starmie. It was much larger than him, and much stronger. He could never win against it.
But he wasn't here to win. Not alone, anyway.
He ran, dodging all of Starmie's Water Guns and BubbleBeams. He ran rapidly around the arena. Then he jumped, and slammed his body against Starmie.
[JLVWNNOOOO used QUICK ATTACK!]
[Critical Hit!]
Abby, Pidgeotto, and Red cheered from the sidelines. Jay jumped off of Starmie, and continued running around the arena, dodging Starmie's attacks.
"It's not enough," he muttered. "I barely scratched it."
Jay was completely in the zone now. He wasn't thinking about fear, or the voices, or anything else. He was looking inward, and searching for his role—for what he wanted to do next.
He jumped, and slapped his tail against Starmie, weakening its armor.
[JLVWNNOOOO used TAIL WHIP!]
[Enemy STARMIE's DEFENSE fell!]
"Alright, Jay!" said Abby. "Great set-up!"
"ELITE SMOGON STRATS!" said Red.
Jay ran and dodged. He jumped, and used Tail Whip again.
Then, as he was running away, a burst of water hit him. He felt his body tumble painfully across the arena.
[JLVWNNOOOO fainted!]
"Ah, crap," said Jay.
"You were awesome," Abby said. She stepped forward. "I'll handle the rest."
"CONSULT HELIX!" Red said, rubbing the Helix Fossil against his ear.
Abby ran, dodging bursts of water. She grinned menacingly. She ran up to Starmie, and slashed it with her claws.
[ABBBBBBK( used SCRATCH!]
"CONSULT NUGGET!" Red said, rubbing the Nugget against his ear.
Jay watched Abby run, biting his nails. Just one hit, and Red would lose.
But Abby didn't seem concerned. In fact, she seemed to be having the time of her life.
"Once more, Abby!" said Pidgeotto.
"One more Scratch, coming up!" said Abby. She ran up to Starmie and tore up its flesh.
[Enemy STARMIE fainted!]
"YEAH!" Red cheered, arms raised. "WE KILLED MISTY!"
"Huh," Misty said, withdrawing Starmie. "You actually beat me." She walked up to him. "I still think you're in the wrong line of work. But you won fair and square. So, here you go. The Cascade Badge." She held out a small, blue badge. "Also, take this." She held out a small, silver disc. "It's TM11. It teaches BubbleBeam. Use it on a water-type Pokémon… if you ever manage to catch one."
~·~
After healing at the Pokémon Center, Red ran around Cerulean City, celebrating.
"You were awesome, Abby!" said Jay.
"I couldn't have done it without those Tail Whips," Abby said, grinning.
"Did you notice, perhaps," said Pidgeotto, "that we won only after the Moon Stone was tossed aside?"
"Yeah, yeah," Abby said, waving dismissively. "I'm over it. That Moon Stone was just a dumb rock."
"Oh?" Pidgeotto smiled. "Might you be willing to open your heart to another god?"
"Actually, I've got one picked out."
"Do you, now?"
"Yep." Abby bowed. "Praise the Nugget!"
Pidgeotto sighed. "Someday, you will see the light."
Jay Leno was laughing. "What the hell is this team?"
~·~
End Time: 1d 19h 6m
~·~
Current team:
PIDGEOTTO, lv.23
• Pidgeotto (Normal/Flying)
• Gust, Sand-Attack, Quick Attack, Whirlwind
···
JLVWNNOOOO, lv.11
• Rattata (Normal)
• Tackle, Tail Whip, Quick Attack
···
ABBBBBBK(, lv.27
• Charmeleon (Fire)
• Scratch, Bide, Growl, Leer
Author's Note: now that I have your attention…
Welcome to We Are Red. The cover image, which inspired the title, was created by Reddit user JohnMarkParker. Used with permission.
Even if you know nothing at all about Twitch Plays Pokémon, I hope you enjoy my interpretation of the original playthrough.