Author's Note: More use of dialogue from the show in this chapter. Zack's predicament and Gormogon are mentioned again as in the previous chapter but again, not in much detail.
Disclaimer: I don't own Bones.
With the squints busy working on the mystery mandible from Gormogon, at that present moment, Booth had no reason to be at the Jeffersonian. He had stood for a long moment at the base of the steps of the platform, gazing at Bones, willing her to just look at him, but she had studiously ignored him. It hurt like hell, but he got the hint.
He decided to take the opportunity to go home, take a shower, and dress in his own clothes before getting back to work. It felt strange being back in his apartment after two weeks away. Everything was exactly as he left it. Even down to the dirty dishes in the sink that had started growing such a huge, disgusting amount of furry green/blue coloured mould that Booth wondered if he should give Hodgins a call to make sure it wasn't a hazard to his health. While he had been holed up in the FBI safe house, he had assumed that Bones might have taken care of stuff like that. He guessed he understood why she hadn't. The thought of how much she must have suffered these past two weeks made tears spring to his eyes, and he renewed the promise he made to himself to find out who was responsible and make them pay.
Turning his back on the mouldy dishes, Booth headed for the bathroom. He would deal with the toxic slime growing in his cereal bowls later when he didn't ache so much. He decided to take a bath instead of a shower to help soothe his sore muscles. That guy had really gotten a few pieces of him earlier and he was really starting to feel it now. He started the water running and stripped off his clothes. He then made sure to change the dressing over his stitches for a waterproof one like his doctor told him to before he stepped into the bath. He automatically reached for a comic book from the rack that he kept next to the tub, but he put it back without even opening it. He was too sad to concentrate on reading. The warm water accomplished the objective of soothing his aching body, but it couldn't relieve the ache that was growing in his heart. He couldn't stop thinking about Bones and the longer he laid there, the more he missed her presence. He kept glancing at the bathroom door, almost expecting her to walk in unannounced and joining him in the tub like she had done on several occasions.
He loved her so much – more than he ever thought possible, and just the idea of not being with her any more made him feel like his life was over, like the world as he knew it was imploding all around him. Everything else that used to give his life meaning paled in comparison to the meaning that Temperance Brennan had brought to his life and Booth couldn't help but wonder, if she left him, what would be left of his life.
Booth was a man of action, and he knew laying in the tub thinking about the current situation with Bones wasn't going to achieve anything, so he grabbed a towel to dry himself, dressed in jeans and a T-shirt, slipped on his FBI jacket and placed his gun back in the holster at his hip. He needed to go back to the lab, be near to Bones, be her partner just like he always did before. She was slipping away from him, but he wasn't going to give up without a fight. She was too important for him to just let her go without even trying.
0-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-0
24 hours later, Booth was standing in the hospital, outside a private room in the ICU, watching as Bones gazed through the glass at the occupant of the bed inside. She had her hand pressed against the pane, almost as if she was physically manifesting her love and radiating it through the glass into the room.
The events of the past day had shaken them all, but no one more so than Bones. Finding out that Zack was Gormogon's new apprentice had been an earth-shattering revelation, one which Booth was sure all the squints would take a long time to recover from. Zack had confessed to murder. He had assisted Gormogon in his quest to complete the silver skeleton by killing the Lobbyist. The only comfort any of them could draw from the situation was that at least Zack hadn't partaken in an act of cannibalism like all the previous apprentices had.
None of them had seen it coming, even Booth. Hell, they had suspected pretty much everyone except for Zack. Booth was angry with Zack, angry that he could have been so stupid as to have been duped by Gormogon's 'irrefutable logic' about secret societies and how what the Gormogon were doing was for the greater good. He was also angry with Zack for causing Bones more pain. It felt like all the people in her life hurt her, himself included and he hated it. He only ever wanted her to be happy.
Booth was so worried about Bones. She had barely spoken to him since his 'funeral'. She had cooperated with him, worked with him as she always did but she had only spoken to him when absolutely necessary and only ever about something that pertained to the case. She was trying to hide the pain, but Booth could still see it in her beautiful aqua eyes. Pain that had been exacerbated by her young assistant being led astray by a serial killer.
Booth never wanted to take another life. He regretted each of the fifty or so he'd already taken throughout his careers in the army and now the FBI. But it had been necessary to take another life today, the life of Gormogon, or 'The Master'. He undoubtedly had it coming but Booth still loathed having to do it, and it only made him angrier at Zack, for being involved in it, for bringing about the events that forced Booth to use his weapon to end another human existence.
Caroline Julien, the federal prosecutor that he and Bones had worked closely with for years, had struck a deal where Zack cooperates, admits his guilt and allows himself to be found non compos mentis so he will be detained in a secure psychiatric facility rather than having to face the prospect of going to prison. Caroline was undoubtedly doing Zack a favour, but Booth knew wherever Zack ended up, it was still a devastating turn of events for Bones. He knew that losing her beloved assistant in this way would break her heart and Booth wanted to be there to support her, allow her to lean on him if she needed it. But he wasn't certain she would ever let him get that close again.
All the squints headed back to the Jeffersonian after being ejected from Zack's room at the hospital. They clearly all needed to be together, to console each other and talk about what had happened. They were hurt and utterly shell-shocked. Zack had been one of them and he had betrayed them with his criminal actions.
Booth watched Bones and the squints carefully as they all gathered in the lounge at the lab and sorted through Zack's belongings from his office. They were reminiscing about their time together when Sweets made an observation about how all Zack's favourite things were objects that his friends had given to him. Sweets' words made Bones' face suddenly crumple and a look of dismay crossed her features.
"I never gave him anything." She said softly.
"Brennan, he totally loved you. I mean, as much as he was capable." Angela said, trying to comfort her friend. But her words weren't enough.
Brennan suddenly bolted from her chair, heading for the stairs. Angela began to rise from her seat, aiming to follow her friend but Booth stopped her and went after Bones himself.
He found her sitting halfway down the polished wooden staircase that was an original part of the building but seemed so out of place with the modernistic sterility of the rest of the lab. Bones had her elbows resting on her thighs and her head in her hands. Booth's love for her swelled in his chest. She always thought the worst of herself. Booth knew how much Bones cared for her friends and colleagues. She loved Zack like a friend or family member. She lost her own family and had ended up creating this surrogate family here at the lab. A family that she cared for so deeply but lacked the skills to show it. She was aware of her limitations when it came to expressing emotions and Booth knew that right now, she was admonishing herself for never giving Zack anything, for never displaying how she truly felt, wondering if that maybe, he wouldn't have ended up in the situation he did if she had.
Booth quietly eased himself down onto the step next to her. Brennan glanced sideways, confirming what she already knew, that it was Booth. She had recognised the sound of his footsteps and she had detected a hint of his cologne as he got closer. A scent that evoked such strong feelings and memories within her, that had previously brought her comfort and solace, which now instead just reminded her of pain. Brennan couldn't bear his proximity. Her head was too chaotic, the pain was engulfing her, preventing her from thinking clearly and she couldn't tolerate her memories disorienting her any further. She scooted away from him on the step so there was no longer any contact between their bodies, hoping the distance would ameliorate the chaos.
Booth's breath froze in his lungs when she moved away from him. She had barely spoken to him and now she couldn't even bear to be close to him? He managed to inhale a short painful breath before he cleared his throat. He unfolded the letter in his hand then read it aloud.
"Dear Mr Addy, it is my pleasure to offer you the post of my intern in Forensic Anthropology. I chose you from hundreds of applicants because of your knowledge, your desire to learn and because I feel you will find a home here."
He folded the letter then placed it back in the envelope before holding it out to her. "I think you gave him something great, Bones."
She didn't take the letter. She was staring at her hands as they rested between her knees. Booth watched as a few tears dropped onto her legs, leaving small dark circles on the fabric of her pants. He desperately wanted to hold her, but since she had made it quite clear she didn't want to be near to him, he was uncertain that she would even want that.
She eventually slipped the letter from his grasp and wiped her face with her sleeve as she sniffed. Booth tentatively reached out and placed his hand lightly on her arm. He couldn't stand seeing her like this and he wanted to show her that he was there for her, that she could rely on him, just like she always could before. But she froze. Her body stiffened and her muscles locked down for just a moment before she jerked her arm away from his touch.
The rejection wounded Booth like a lash from a whip and he automatically recoiled as Brennan got to her feet and looked down at him. Their eyes met for a moment. Brennan could see the agony in Booth's warm brown eyes, and she felt sick with the knowledge that she had caused that. But she couldn't forget the pain he had inflicted on her, even if it wasn't deliberate. She needed some time alone, time to come to terms with everything that had happened. Time to figure out if a relationship with him was still what she wanted.
"I'm sorry. I can't do this." Was all she managed to say by way of explanation before she began to run down the stairs and away from him.
It took a moment for her words to sink in for Booth. But when they did, he chased after her. He caught up to her just outside her office. He grabbed her wrist and gently tugged, forcing her to face him.
"What do you mean, Bones – You can't do this? Can't do what?" Booth knew his voice was raised, but he was panicking, terrified that she was saying what he thought she was saying.
Booth's loud words made Brennan glance briefly upwards towards the lounge area on the catwalk, trying to ascertain if her colleagues had heard him. She released a breath she hadn't realised she was holding when it appeared that no one was paying attention to her and Booth. They were all talking quietly about Zack still no doubt.
Turning her head back towards Booth, she reluctantly met his gaze. His usually warm brown eyes instead looked hard and cold. She didn't know how to interpret it. She had seen him angry; she had seen him sad. She had seen him experience a wide variety of emotions, but in all the time she had known him, he had never looked at her like this before. He still had hold of her wrist, he wasn't hurting her, but she knew she wouldn't be able to prise her arm away unless he released his grip. She looked pointedly at where his hand touched her skin. He followed her gaze and instantly released her.
Their eyes met again, and Brennan was relieved to see Booth's eyes had softened somewhat but the warmth was still absent. In its place was a turbulence, a storm forming within them. She turned and stepped into her office. Booth followed her and closed the door behind them, knowing she didn't want to risk the others overhearing what they had to say to each other.
"You still haven't answered me, Bones. Can't do what?" His voice was quiet and strained, the pain within his words clear and tangible.
She dropped her eyes to the floor and when she spoke, her voice trembled. "I need some time to think, Booth. I can't be together with you while I do that."
Booth felt like he'd been punched in the gut when his mind processed the meaning of her words. "You're breaking up with me?" He said with disbelief. She was still looking at the floor making it impossible for him to see what might be going on in her head. "Why? I told you how sorry I am Bones, that it wasn't my choice for it to be this way. What happened to you, it wasn't my fault! Can't you see that?"
"Yes, I can. However, the last two weeks have been the most difficult I have ever faced in my life, and in order to process that, I need to be alone."
"What then? When you're finished processing?" Booth asked, the fear he had felt yesterday multiplying making it hard for him to breathe. "Are you saying you just want a time out or do you mean alone permanently?"
Brennan shrugged her shoulders then folded her arms across her chest. She took a few steps away from him and turned to face the opposite corner of the room. "I don't know." She whispered before continuing with a sigh "I should be honest with you and tell you that I'm having doubts that being in a committed relationship is right for me."
Booth's immediate thought was that she would have been happier if he really had died. That she had been regretting being with him for a while and his death had been an easy way out for her. But he shut the thought down almost as soon as it had materialised in his head. Bones wasn't that cold or callous, despite what others might think. Booth knew her, really knew her and he knew that his faked death had caused her fear of being abandoned to resurface. She was reconstructing the walls around her heart, shutting him out, trying to protect herself.
"Temperance, please don't shut me out. I know you're afraid, but please, give me another chance. I love you, so much. I promise I won't ever fake my death ever again, even if it means losing my job. You mean more to me, so much more."
Brennan felt her heart jump when he used her name. It was such a rare occurrence that when it happened it was a pleasant surprise. It always used to give her this warm feeling in her body that would start at her feet, making its way through her entire body, warming her, making her skin flush with contentment. But this time, it brought tears to her eyes because it felt bittersweet. How she had longed to hear him say it one more time when she thought he was gone forever. Yet now, hearing it again brought her pleasure and pain. Pleasure in hearing how it sounded from his lips and then pain as she found herself wondering if it might be the last time she ever hears it if she goes through with what she thought was best for her wellbeing.
However, he was right. She sometimes forgot how well he knew her, and he was correct with his assessment of what she was feeling. She was afraid. Afraid of ever opening herself up again, afraid of getting in deeper and not being able to dig herself back out. Afraid of losing herself forever.
She turned around to face him, she had to be brave. Admit her weakness and tell him the truth. "You're right. I am afraid, but not of you faking your death again. I'm afraid of what happens next time, when you die for real. What happens to me then? I can't live through that again. I'm… I'm not strong enough."
Booth's heart sank to his feet. She had suffered more than he had thought. But she had to see it was a risk you take when you love someone. She had to see it was worth it.
"Bones… You understand that it's the same for me, don't you? Do you honestly think that losing you would be any easier for me? I live with the risk of that every single day. I automatically put you in danger every time you are out in the field with me. It's my job to protect you and if I fail like I nearly did in that damned bar… Nothing means more to me than you, but we take that risk because it's the job we do, together, and we love each other. But no matter how much danger we face, I'm not going to deny us the chance to be happy because I'm afraid. What we have, it's worth the risk."
His heartfelt words affected Brennan deeply, but her self-preservation instincts were overruling her heart. She slowly began to shake her head, her arms still wrapped around her middle.
"I'm sorry." She whispered.
"Please, Bones." Booth pleaded sensing he was losing the battle. "I can't live without you."
Brennan laughed mirthlessly. "And I can't live without you." The last two weeks had demonstrated that fact with painful accuracy.
Booth should have felt relief. She was admitting she needed him but her words, he knew they came with a caveat.
"But…?"
Brennan blinked, surprised he had correctly interpreted her meaning. "But… I now know what will happen to me if I lose you. Your job by its nature is dangerous meaning there is a very high probability of you being injured and killed. Even if you survive the rest of your career, it will be something else that separates us, an illness, an accident, old age… One day I will lose you, and that is intolerable to me."
"So, what are you saying Bones? You've lost me once so you want me to stay lost? Cut all ties with me so it's like I never existed? Because I'm not worth the risk." His words were bitter and they stung Brennan. She knew he was angry as his eyes had turned hard again, like balls of flint, solid and unforgiving.
"No, Booth. That's not-" His assumption was erroneous, and Brennan tried to correct him, but he cut her off before she could say any more.
"No, I got it Bones. Loud and clear." He turned sharply and stalked out of her office before she could say another word. She watched as he walked out of the lab, his chin low and his shoulders slumped, never looking back.
What had she done? Hadn't she spent the last two weeks in hell? And now, he was alive, and she had pushed him away. Possibly for good. She wanted to go after him, throw her arms around him and tell him how much she loved him, but she felt paralysed, her body not responding to her brain's commands.
She wasn't sure how long she stood in her office, waiting for him to come back. It wouldn't be the first time they'd had a disagreement and got so mad at each other that Booth had left to get some air; but he always came back. However, this time, she had forced him away. Practically told him she wanted to end their relationship even though she wasn't sure that was even what she wanted. She was just so scared, and tired, and confused.
She waited for him for what felt like hours before she finally accepted he wasn't going to come back for her. The numb feeling she experienced when she thought he was dead began to seep back into her bones. Unable to stand any longer on her weak, shaky legs, she collapsed onto her couch and squeezed her eyes tightly shut. Her actions had been illogical, she knew that. But she was overwhelmed by fear and grief. She just needed time to allow her brain to process everything that had happened in the last 24 hours, and now she could only hope that Booth would be able to forgive her, whatever decision she made.