Chapter 1

"Hikigaya…" My endeared resident christmas cake of a teacher grumbles my family name after reading the history assignment I submitted for history class. I had a feeling she would not like it so I was kinda hoping she wouldn't get her hands on it.

"Please, Hikigaya, bless me with your sapiency. ¿What was it that your History teacher asked you to write about?

"...I-uh, I was asked to provide a solution for the trade and innovation deficit we faced because of Sakoku policy during the Edo period,or something like that"

"¿Something like that huh smartass?-" my sensei addresses what she must think of a poor response before continuing "-well, for starters you clearly barfed a lot of economic fun facts and gibberish all throughout the paper. I assume in the hopes your sensei was an economic illiterate, that or you think watching some couple of videos on macroeconomics makes you the expert"

¿huh? ¿Did he actually see through my rambling? Honestly, Hiratsuka-sensei is right, I am fairly cultured in the complicated world of how the little cash my parents give me as an allowance works and moves our little world, but I did bullshit my way to the minimum length required for the paper assignment, I never thought he would catch onto what I was doing

"¡Oi! If you're gonna start monologuing don't mumble parts of it out loud and ¡yes! You would not believe how much of a pain it is to hear him in the faculty building ranting and talking about possible deflation rates and the importance of trade agreements with North Americans for us to keep affording chashu in our ramen! He kind of reminds me of Kensuke in the carrier…"

I sigh, my beloved teacher just can't seem to drop her fondness of classic anime and our shared passion for ramen, even when I'm being scolded, honestly, if it wasn't that annoying to get constantly whacked and reprimanded I would've probably proposed, most likely be rejected, but hey, who knows…

"¡Anyhow! Read this specific part of the shit you wrote, I marked it with highlighter so you know which part exactly is the reason for you to be here"

Gulp

"It is widely known that during the Tokugawa Shogunate's reign, the disdain and distrust for foreigners and/or their products and culture was something quintessential for what Japan stood for. And overall, I agree, think about it ¿Would Japan still be Japan if we didn't build gunplas and instead we played with transformers and Power rangers? I think the shogunate had some real basis for the skepticism of allowing foreigners to flood our country with their crafts. My solution to this delay against the outside world in regard to technological prowess and mastering is simple, to make everything at home. But not in the clichéd protectionist or nationalistic rhetoric of the superiority of our products (Although that is somewhat true, look at how our cars sell everywhere) The solution I refer to would be that we actually took the role of supplying everyone and their mother with whatever they need, maybe even purposefully of poorer quality in order to have larger production margins that wouldn't affect the populace, that's industrialization before industrialization, with us making more of everything it would mean that employment would not be an issue, How about that?

Take the dutch and british, among other things, they came to Japan to sell guns, and the abundance of natural resources isn't intrinsic to our little archipelago, so now me make poorer rifles like sausages and try to sell them instead of us buying stuff from them, this would either render the westerners dependant on our guns (the scammer gets scammed) or they comprehend either:

1: No thank you, we won't buy your stuff, we already have it

2: Our product is mediocre and not worth the time trying to fight our huge market of second rate products

And they leave us alone, just like the Shogunate wanted, everyone wins. Except the foreigners of course, and I do acknowledge that my plan would effectively give away the defense of the home islands, but I'd still put my money on the foreigners not taking their chances, 4000 thousand fairish guns would outshoot 500 good guns…"

"Mmmhmm" Sensei humms expectant of what I assume is my acceptance of loss and permission for a divine whack to the head.

"Y-yeah ¿what of it? I still think its good"

"¿Seriously Hikigaya? Making our products particularly shitty so either no one buys them or they become dependent on us? I've only known you for a few months but I just know that this is a new low"

Huh… when she puts it like that I guess I could move to China and get a bureaucratic position at the CCP, which would mean I get paid for being an asshole instead of actually working, so now I have another option if my hopes of staying at home and scratching my belly all day while a beautiful girl supports me fails, I might seek a gig at Beijing. to work is to lose…

"What a twisted way of fixing things, after a reread I am actually impressed Hikigaya, not for the better of course. I mean, we are already seen by the world as the depressed salaryman of the East and you suggest turning the whole of Japan into a sweatshop 400 years prior."

I just shrug a little bit annoyed, Hiratsuka-sensei is the one person from which sarcastical retorts and berating I can accept as playful shit-on and not a venomous insult, well her and my most dear Komachi, but she's too cute to be mad at her, not that sensei isn't cute but it would help if she didn't outsource her frustration on me as a stress ball.

"Oi, Hikigaya-sama, Emperor of wagies, snap out of it-" she then raises her arm to get my full attention and bring me back from the interesting paint job of the ceiling. "-Tenno Heika Banzai!" she screams as she Karate chops me with her right hand on my poor head.

As I start rubbing my pain with my hands caressing my head she says "now, let's talk punishment"

"¿Say what? Sensei I can safely assume you are oscillating between tough love and physical abuse, you already punished me"

"I concur, my imperial whack is good enough for now, I will not hit you again unless you say something stupid or mean, I know you were planning on mentioning my very young age, I know you Hikigaya"

I decided to take this chance to avoid being knocked out, after all success is a mixture of preparation and opportunity. "So what ¿I just have to write it again and resubmit it?"

"Well, that too, but I was thinking on how… peculiar your approach on solving problems and dilemmas is, so you Hikigaya Hachiman, are joining a club"

¿What the fuck? ¡¿why!?

"Ano, sensei"

"Hmm?"

"May I ask, ¿why this betrayal of yours? And please tell me how making a subjectively shitty assignment is enough for sending me to the firing squad?"

"Don't be so dramatic Hikigaya, I am sending you for you to train yourself at taking decisions and discerning the problems you may face later on without that cynical pessimistic crap you filter everything with. Think of this as a ticket to Mount Myōboku ¡You'll master Sage mode!" she says that last part rather excitedly as I groan audibly.

"But sensei, please reconsider this decision taken in the heat of passion"

"Nope"

"Sensei"

"Nope"

You know what fuck it, I'll come clean "Sensei, in all seriousness, besides my sister you're the one person whom with I can somewhat have a good time and not be treated as a disease, I enjoy listening to a beautiful and experienced woman such as yourself instruct me on the hard roads of this paramo we call life"

"Nice try, Hikigaya but sweet nothings don't make up for all the times you've been mean about my age. and you immediately jump to conclusions, you'll be the sole member and president of the service club."

"... haah?"


The time I have spent on the service club, the days I have seen here after a monotonous day in school, the moments I have forged sitting on this chair. These memories, I will definitely cherish them, for they showed me I was wrong about High school and how much of a pain it was to be in this building, the service club is the thing I most love out of the entire school.

Of course, because it means I now get to be alone, sleeping, reading or just doing something and nothing at the same time and it counts as official club time, sanctioned by Sobu High reglamentation, I get to do what I would do at my loner spot at those stairs and what I don't get to do at the classroom and my school endorses it, for once I can say I am proud of Hiratsuka Sensei. She was so excited for me to walk the road to redemption with a destination to Normieland, so she convinced school authorities that the service club was a special case not requiring a budget and I got to keep this blessed land without having to recruit another member. What good nepotism is when it benefits me, to quote a Machiavellian quote I very much like and very much think is adept to my situation: 'there cannot be difficulties on the road when goodwill overflows.' In this case Hiratsuka-sensei's kindness and/or naivety are the overflowing goodness that swept the difficulties of my school life.

*knock knock*

Ugh, either speaking of the King of Rome, or the third ever customer ¿customer? Whatever, the third person seeking my advice is outside the door. That's right, only two people have come to my cave. One gave up when I gave him the boot since he clearly wanted me to cover him for his cleaning duty at his homeroom, the other wanted help with his Japanese homework. At first I thought I might make the most out of it and charge for it, but due to the risible low activity of the Service club, Hiratsuka-sensei obviously keeps a close watch upon my clients and how their problems are addressed. In the end we settled for a painfully tedious study session, and because of my oh so great psychometric competence when it comes to communication and social skill, we closed a deal in which he would tell Sensei I taught him thoroughly and with grace, in exchange for me giving him the answers, reasonable barter if I say so myself.

"Come in" I say somewhat groggily

To my surprise, the answer to my own question from earlier is that, apparently both. I see two beautiful women come into my realm, one is my close to expiration date dear Sensei, and the other one is probably the prettiest girl I have seen in my life.

I barely keep my head up to meet them, despite my sleepiness I can't really avert my gaze from this girl's arctic blue eyes, her silky long raven-colored hair, a pair of cute little red ribbons adorning said hair, and even some rather appealing thighs covered by a long socks as mandated by the rules of the school almost no girl seems interested in following, as I concentrate in the brief space of girl that covers starts where her thigh socks end and ends where her skirt start

¡Snap out of it Hachiman! I am perfectly within whacking distance if Sensei notices I am almost drooling like a hormonal fool

"Na Hikigaya" she calls to me as I cover my previous starting with a convincing yawn

"Ho-*huge yaaaawn*-honestly Sensei, I am surprised you actually waited for me to grant you access, you usually barge in, whack me in the head, refuse to elaborate and leave"

"Hehe, good observation, the reason is that your very interesting third client insisted on displaying manners and wouldn't follow suit if I didn't knock, and good thing too, It seems you were sleeping, I would've loved it to slap some reality into those dreams of yours" I grumble

"Sensei" the girl besides her tries to get her attention with a calm demeanor and elegant voice

"Hmm?"

"¿Who are you talking to?"

"¿huh? Oh of course, Yukinoshita, this fellow right here is Hikigaya Hachiman, the president of the service club, you'll be in his care for your request."

The girl whom I now know is named Yukinoshita eyes me with a rather annoyed look, I have a hunch that I will not like what she's gonna say next

"I see, but that was not what I was referring to Sensei. I was more concerned with the absence of life within this room ¿Perhaps it emanates from this resident club president? Judging by the resemblance of his eyes with those of the catch of the day at Tsukiji Market I would doubt my senses as I saw you talking to a corpse"

"O-oi"

"Pffffft hahahahahahahahaha ¡that's spot on Yukinoshita! His eyes do look like a dead fish, although I'd say a rather stale one from yesterday's catch" I start muttering some mild curses as these two ladies clearly built their confidence and trust upon my misery.

"Well then, my most dear slightly-older-than-the-average-single-Japanese-woman Sensei and the weird girl that sees ghosts and comes to ask for help from one, what can I do for you today?" I deadpan as I suggest we cut to the chase, I already miss my leisure time in this cave of solitude I call clubroom.

"I'll postpone the adequate punch for that remark as I actually bring news" I looked at her to signal her to continue

"This is Yukinoshita Yukino, not only your third client for you to help, and, Hikigaya Hachiman, you will help her with a proper effort, understood?"

Yukinoshita… Yukino… hmmm

"Hikigaya, ¿understood? She is now glaring at me raising her hand "I know how you squirmed away from your first two requests"

"Y-yes m'am, I was just thinking, I know of your companion already"

"Ara ¿you know me? And why would that be? ¿Are you perhaps a creep? I did not quite catch your name. Was it Hiki-stalker-kun?" grrrr she is obviously on her element when she verbally trashes me.

"No, not interested in an insufferable smug fish enthusiast and paranormal medium, I however know you because you look just like your mom"

She immediately tenses up "¿m-My mother?"

"Well that and the fact that you're the single most popular girl in this fine institution of normies woman, how on earth would I not know of you? I speak with zero people in Sobu other than Hiratsuka-sensei here and yet I've still heard quite the few opinions about you"

"W-wait, Hikigaya-kun, backtrack a bit please. ¿How do you know about my mother and her appearance?"

"¿Huh? Oh that, I almost got run over by the car she was being driven in, had an amicable chat in which I was told that your family would press charges"

"...¿Pardon?"

"Well to be fair, I did kind of jump in front of the car to save a kitten that looked a lot like the one I have at home, so in her eyes I jumped to get a pension from the great Yukinoshita family, I also got suckerpunched by your chauffeur after I tried to evade a lawsuit on medical extortion or something like that with a sarcastic remark, but the geniuses of your people failed to realize that assaulting a poor bastard on the street made us even"

Yukinoshita looked taken aback by the information I provided her with "Kitten…n-nevermind that!" ¿seriously? ¿The part that stuck with her was the kitten? Well now, that I take a good look at her, some of her body language does resemble that of a gentle cat. "¿When did this happen Hikigaya-kun?"

"A day before our first year started, I was strolling in my bike enjoying my last moments of freedom"

"Alright you two" Hiratsuka-sensei interjects on the Q/A section with Yukinoshita, she coughs as we both turn our attention to her "I actually came to tell you Yukinoshita will be joining you as a recruit for the Service Club from now on, those were the news." Sensei has a shit eating grin.

"¿Did you even hear what I just said Sensei? In fact I am certain that I told you about my lovely encounter in the wild with Yukinoshita's family"

"Well yes, I was aware but what about it?"

"¿What about it? Sensei, think of what would happen if they found out that I am in a club with her daughter, I put all the chips on they claim I am blackmailing their precious daughter to get that cash, I really do not want to get punched again, much less have to pay a hefty sum of money I do not have"

"That's a logical assessment there Hikigaya-kun but a somewhat useless one too ¿wouldn't you talking with any female member of the student body be met with the suspicion of blackmailing or some other despicable act? What else if it rains upon wet Hiki-pervy-kun?"

As much as I want to counter that one, which I thought just about the perfect reply, I do think my hide outweighs my pride, my modus operandi at Sobu High is keeping a healthy distance from everybody, and the one girl that can probably send me to jail as in I landed at the 'go to jail' slot form that board game monopoly will not be the exception. Yukinoshita Yukino will not be the patient zero of the Hikigerms infection.

"Alright, tell me your request, depending on what it is I may assist, but that's it, I am sorry…well not quite sorry, but I have to deny your membership from the Service club"

"Hikigaya, you would normally have the right to deny membership applications, but that's not on your hands this time, Yukinoshita much like you isn't here on her own accord, Yukinoshita is going to be your clubmate and that's final." Hiratsuka-sensei spits an ultimatum

"No can do Sensei, I am not dealing with a Yukinoshita"

I can see the veins popping on her forehead and her clenching a fist with fiery eyes "Hikigaya… ¿Do you want a coup d'etat? I can depose you from your presidency, revoke your membership and force you to join the debate club, oh I heard right now the hot topic there is youth romance and the impact of it on school grounds ¿sounds fun no?"

I immediately turn my head around to the other girl who remains stoic, but her eyes tell me even she was surprised by such a terrifying penance for my stubbornness.

"Yukinoshita, I-uh, welcome to the service club, your membership was approved and I hope your stay is as pleasant as possible… please don't informed your mother of the situation" at this point I was about to get on my knees and grovel

I look up to her and she's giving me a stern look "T-that will not be a problem" before I can ask why sensei interrupts yet again.

"Ah to hell with it, let's wrap this up, we have taken too much time just to officialize Yukinoshita's membership and I need a smoke"

Again, our heads turn towards the somewhat chuuni sensei

"In short, I want the both of you to help the other, by any means necessary, by conversing with Yukinoshita now and then, and regularly reading Hikigaya's cynical philosophy and rants I have come to the conclusion that you are both incredibly smart, but you are both assholes. One is a cold loner with a twisted grasp on reality, and the other… well exactly the same thing but Yukinoshita acts mature and has pretty eyes. " she giggles at the sudden jab she snuck in her explanation "So i'll leave you to it."

"Oh, one last thing" she grasps the handle of the door before turning to us "By any means necessary I mean you will be competing against the other, you will help the student body with their problems and the most helpful will win, I kept tabs on Hikigaya's spectacular run of 2 requests, so of course I'll be checking in on you two, because you said it Hikigaya, Yukinoshita is the most popular girl on grounds, consider her entrance to your life as a light for the moths, the activity for the service club is bound to skyrocket."

After that she told us to think of a thing we would want from the other should we win and left for her daily intake of nicotine and addiction denial.


I am sure I am suffering a tachycardia as of now, staying in a room with a beautiful girl such as Yukinoshita isn't even the tip of the iceberg, but the answer is in the same sentence, not only is she a Yukinoshita, she told me with a serious and genuine expression to not worry about telling her family, I wanted to know what she meant by this but we literally just met a few moments ago, not only would I be intruding on her personal life, I don't think she would tell me if I asked.

Maybe not just cardiovascular uneasiness, I might be suffering hypoglycemia, I need a MAX coffee ASAP. And more importantly, to get it I have to get out of here.

As I close my book a little louder than I intended, Yukinoshita shifts her attention to me, now standing up.

"I, I have to get-uh a coffee"

"I see" well she obviously couldn't care less about where I went, and I intended to leave it like that, but I was raised a good citizen, despite my aversion to the Gladiator cage that is society, I conserve a little bit of decency, if we are going to interact from now on, I might as well enlighten her with the joy of MAX.

"Errr do you want something from the vending machine? I noticed you don't have water with you, and things will probably be slow, I can buy you a coffee"

"My, aren't you the observant Hikigaya-kun ¿Are you perhaps ogling me with a lascivious perspective? Should I call the police?" she grins in an annoying way

"How cruel, that was precisely what I wanted to avoid with you, I would subject myself to torture by tomatoes instead of laying a finger on a Yukinoshita"

She tilts her head at my stupid comeback, of course she doesn't know of tomato torture, only Komachi knows about it, that horrific crime against humanity is what keeps her Komachi Points account from not exceeding value and crash as a worthless currency.

"*grunt* So should I get you a coffee or not? I have an extra coin so it's no big deal, it serves that I only have to make one trip"

"Hmmm I am not the most fanatical of the taste of coffee, if you find some tea at the machine I would gladly take on your offer"

"Ah that's rough, the tea in those bottles is shitty, but we actually have a kettle here in the clubroom"

"That is nice but there's only so much you can do with one if we do not have some leaves at hand"

I go to the table in which said kettle is standing and retrieve a mason jar with a peppermint white tea blend I brought from home, it's the one my mother sometimes uses to side with meals

"I-uh I brought this from home, I tried to brew me some a while ago and failed spectacularly, I was told white tea was supposedly better hot than cold but I still couldn't hack it, dunno if you would want some"

"Yes, I could make it work, I am surprised you managed to screw up a task this simple but I appreciate your insight in supplying tea for us" she says with a relaxed expression

"Right, I'll go to the sink to fill this with water"

"No need" she cuts me off "I'll go, after all I am the one that harnessed tea for its true value"

Down in the vending machine I decide to get another can of MAX anyways, I don't know if I'm being considerate out of fear of her mom but I still think I should get her a can, if she turns it down well I'll drink it, the Gods didn't give me taste buds for me to waste a precious yellow can of bliss.

After retrieving my cargo I headed back to the clubroom and my jaw almost dropped. Yukinoshita was not posing nor doing anything extravagant for that matter, but I noticed she opened the room's windows and the air coming in gave her an unreachable look, much like the current case, Yukinoshita was someone I could not approach.

"Hikigaya-kun, you're back"

"Yo" I said while deadpanning

We don't stare at each other, I think I can now confirm for myself what little I have heard about this girl, it's not just our socioeconomic difference and my overall fear of her last name why she seems unreachable. I think I can guess she is a fellow loner, and all this holier-than-thou and Blitzkrieg approach to whatever she spots wrong on you is a defense mechanism, much like my tired glare she uses this for protection and isolation. Of course, given her natural beauty, her academic performance and her status it's a flawless persona of an ice bitch that she embraces giving credit to some of the nasty stuff one gets to hear when you desperately lean onto a seat trying to fuse with the classroom and ignore the brainlets that surround me.

"Na, Yukinoshita, before we can start this competitive nonsense and wait for the first fool to come through the door ¿can you now tell me what your request is? I don't know if Sensei will count it as a point for me or if it won't count, but I am the one tasked with it and the sooner we can dis-acquaintance the better, I can tell you don't want to be here with me."

"Hmmm so the broken clock just told the time correctly, I guess I now have to wait 12 hours for you to say something right"

I sigh "Just tell me what's wrong"

"Nothing is wrong Hikigaya-kun" she denies, this is getting frustrating

"Oi, if you admitted to being repulsed by me don't go tsundere on me woman, this is official business not asking for your biography and curriculum vitae"

"Tsunde…*sigh* you speak the same nonsense the people of this school spouts, nothing is wrong with me, and apart from the curiosity that naturally sprouts from you being acquainted with my mother, there is nothing I want to ask from you" Esdeath proclaims

"Well, that is fine by me, but what do I tell Sensei ¿Did she send you and make the request herself?"

She nods

"I see, may I at least know what she thinks you have to fix so badly she sent you to my lair?"

She huffs a little bit and looks to the sides, apparently embarrassed "Sh-she says I need to be more assertive and less aggressive when approached, according to her my honesty and bluntness is not a problem but my 'insistence on keeping everyone away' is something I will regret later on, she thinks I solve matters with only the perspective of solving a problem immediately with no care for what the collateral damage or consequences might be"

"¿That's it?" I ask her to see if she'll continue

"Yes… ¿wait what?" she stares at me confusedly

"Nani"

"¿You're downplaying it? ¿Aren't you going to start listing the neverending reasons for being nicer and warmer?"

"Nah, you're not doing anything particularly wrong from my perspective, you aiding someone with their generic monotonous problems is more than I am willing to do, I don't really see what's wrong to tell some poor bastard he's dumb or fat, you don't seem to be the one to coach and handhold a fool all the way, and well I can probably provide an even better and faster solution but I'll refrain from mentioning it"

She puts a finger to her chin and grins mildly "Ara, I never took you for that, and here I thought my comments on your horrific eyes would make you jump on the train to change my attitude"

"That's more work than what it's worth, I figured you were going to be a pain from the moment you talked. and I'm not being paid at all so talk or do what you please, as club president I declare we embrace freedom of thought in the Service club"

"How peculiar to hear ¿would you like some tea?" ah right the drinks, I completely forgot about them, I nod while I fetch the cans of MAX

"Holy shit Yukinoshita, this is good stuff" I say, authentically surprised by how good she managed to make the tea taste

"But of course, I told you, I take tea very seriously" she says with confidence

"Here" I say as I extend my hand with the cherished yellow can to her

"I thought I made clear myself that I am not a coffee caterer, I take my caffeine from the tea leaves, not coffee"

"Ugh, just take it as a one-time diplomatic token, for not telling your mother that you know me, or at least I trust you to not do that, for whichever reasons I am thankful-"

She nods respectfully

"-and because I sort of sympathize with you"

"¿Hai?"

"I can't say I agree completely with your worldview, after all I have no idea of what you've seen and how you are, but I too can see the beauty in silence and solitude, and after all we're both clubmates because Hiratsuka Sensei thought it would be funny to force 2 loners into conversation."

Now it is her turn to gaze at me surprised, at least I can say my attempt on not messing up an impression with the Yukinoshita offspring went smoothly, we might not be able to be friends but at least I am guaranteeing a relatively civil coexistence in the club.

"I am impressed Hikigaya-kun, I thought you would be outright hostile to me being your club partner as you initially were-" she says as she accepts the can

"-out of all people I would encounter in Sobu you didn't reek of friendliness and openness"

"¿Friendly? Nonsense, this is mere preservation of the species, and I highly doubt you consider us friends ¿Ain't I right?"

"Well yes, I suppose that is correct, you and me being friends doesn't seem possible nor convenient from your insistence of avoiding my family name"

After that we spend some time reading silently without addressing the other and sipping on our drinks, when she lifts her head and starts eyeing her surroundings

"Awfully empty this room ¿don't you agree?"

"Well yeah, apart from the table and chairs, the only thing left for me was the kettle. Oh, that's not right, we have a speaker"

"¿A speaker? Like an emergency megaphone or do you mean the device in which you plug your phone to play music at a higher decibel"

"The latter, I sometimes use it since I am alone, but I'm comfortable with silence, and well now you're here, I assume I wouldn't hear the end of it if I dared played bacchikoi while you're here, I can already hear your retorts coming"

"¿Why would you think that? I admit I much prefer not hearing your voice nor any other loud sound, but I don't think I would be so critical of your preferences. Unless of course, you were actually blasting something atrocious like that new imported music from the United states and the extra loud gibberish from Puerto Rico and Colombia some establishments play in Tokyo"

"I-I don't know what you mean, but I was more referring that you would probably berate me for not playing some snobbish waltz from Tchaikovsky or Juventino Rosas, or Chopin, I don't know, all my knowledge on the topic comes from KimiUso"

"Hmmm, logical assumption, while I do lean my preferences on western music rather than homegrown bands, I learned to play the guitar because of my liking of British and American bands, I kept inquiring on new and rising bands ever since I lived overseas for a period of my life"

"Hoh, well if you would like to play something be my guest, I don't mind"

After an alternative rock song by a foreign band starts playing I can somewhat feel that Yukinoshita Yukino and I have started synchronizing in this clubroom.