I don't own or profit from Oregairu

Author comments at the end, enjoy.


The baghdad house of wisdom in Sobu

And so the days passed since Yukinoshita joined the service club, contrary to Hiratsuka Sensei's assurance no one came to seek our help in the first few days. Apparently, no matter how attractive and naturally drawn to Yukinoshita people were, when sensei very much tried to do advertising for us to get work, my mere presence or mention scared off our would be clients. Don't even ask me how that happens, since I am confident that nobody really knows I exist, nonetheless Yukinoshita looks more than happy to exploit this lack of troubled students and blame it on my eyes, seriously this girl…

But not taking into account that she's the third woman that uses me as a verbal punching bag at least it's fun to think of a comeback to spend our time in this club, with Komachi I can't really stay mad, and Hiratsuka will one day get herself arrested on the charges of physically abusing a minor whenever she's frustrated by her work, the shitshow her favorite manga turned into and as incredible as it may seems, I have been whacked in place of the scumbags she has dated and it all came crashing down.

With Yukinoshita on the other hand, it's either silence, music days where we just read or drink tea listening to whatever one of us plays when it's our turn to choose the playlist for the speaker, and of course, yukinoshita's favorite of the 3: Duel of the fates which should be seen as an epic match of opposing wits and forces, but I gave up counting the results after she scored herself a W/D radius of 7-0, needless to say she's ultra competitive and won't drop the ball until I'm knocked out.

Today was one of those days of silence until she raised her head from her book and directed her gaze towards me

"Hikigaya-kun"

"¿What is it?"

"My apologies for the intromission but ¿do you actually study here at Sobu?"

"I don't really know ¿Do I study? I guess I study at home and spend some tortuous 7 hours and a half at Sobu, sometimes almost 9 hours of torment ever since you barged in at the Service club"

"My my, I was not aware of how effective my part of the request is going, if a sluggish entity such as yourself is not enjoying what a dead-eyed lazy soul enjoys, you could say I am fixing your problem." She says with a smile afterwards

"Oi you demon woman, don't redirect the problem to me as if you weren't the one I was tasked with fixing, and did you just outright admit you find pleasure in my pain? ¿Are you a sadistic potential psychopath?"

"Well anyways-" ¿D-did she back down from our banter? I won? ¡Holy shit I think I just won! 1-thirtysomething I assume, this is the best thing to ever happen

"¿Hikigaya-kun are you even listening? Please wipe that disturbing grin from your face, the void of the eyes that adorn your face make me fear for my physical integrity and chastity, stop at once and please answer my question"

Grrr "Fine, what was your question, I guess I went too far up the tangent on my thoughts"

She sighs "I asked what class you were in, as I recalled my archive of potentially dangerous students I have never actually seen you outside this clubroom, nor before nor after my admittance, hence my question, is all"

"Oh ¿my class? I think I attend to 2-F, I ate lunch at the clubroom instead of my homeroom or the cafeteria, and I had my spot of comfort before I was awarded with the sovereignty of this amazing land, but I returned to my old spot since you joined in"

"Not that it bothers me to not be in your presence, but that was extremely rude, even for you. And please do tell me how is it possible that you 'think' you attend class 2-F ¿how on earth do you not see the number and letter combination above the door of the room you enter on a daily basis? ¿Are your Hikibraincells that strained that you are not even aware of your surroundings?"

"Ah, that's rich coming from you, if I recall correctly you came besides Hiratsuka-sensei 4 times because you got lost, I agree coming to this secluded clubroom is a pain, but geez, we're in a high school building, not the Tsukuba campus, how is your sense of direction that bad?"

She looks sideways a little irritated, I also notice a slight hint of pink in her upper cheeks, holy fucking shit I won again ¿What good deed did I complete for the Gods to bless me with this streak of victories? ¡I AM INVICTUS HACHIMAN!

I cough a little bit to not slip out my joy and enrage her as I actually answer her question, rubbing off my victory might spark her ever fighting spirit and take it away from me.

"And well, I guess I just memorized the route I take from the gates to my seat and installed it as an automatic command on my motor system, I never actually pay much attention to the room or its inhabitants other than to keep me safe, I often fall asleep pinned within my seat and the wall" my ahoge actually serves as a radar and early warning system for bogie Hiratsuka Shizukas, if one furically enter my airspace I have mastered the ability to predict Hiratsuka whacking runs, although stopping them is another world on its own…

Before I drift too far away I back up my reasoning because she doesn't look very amused.

"I-I mean, I know it's a similar behavior to those mindless corporate drones, but I hate the normie brainlets that surround me with a passion, and even though I struggle with science and math I do just fine in the academic matters, I don't see I am missing out on anything"

"I see, I am actually not that different, I also refrain from speaking or associating with any classmates, but at least the teachers respect me, so I guess my high school experience is not as miserable as the one you live"

I grumble "Wait, if you don't talk to anybody ¿how did Sensei land on you solving people's problems too harshly and coldly? In my case it came from a stupid essay for history of Japan, but what gives on your case"

"Well, me refraining from engaging in conversation with them does not impede them from engaging in conversation with me, I wish they would leave me alone, but I guess I am too bad with people, and it's not like I have not tried to deny them, but I have found to be hostile and diligent much more effective, after all, they come in droves to me because I'm cute"

I can see that, not that I will ever admit it out loud of course, she wouldn't stop teasing me for the years to come, and I have a bad habit of mumbling out loud when I monologue, I shall keep that away from my field of thoughts… wait ¿what did she just say?

"D-did you just admit you actually have a problem? So Hiratsuka-sensei didn't do it for the shits and giggles huh. Very well, Yukinoshita Yukino. I, the president of the service club, will gladly accept your request, it seems you are helpless."

She gasps and her face turns red "I-no, that's not what I meant…-" she sighs and looks extremely annoyed "fine, proceed as you wish"

THREE CONSECUTIVE WINS

Hachiman! Ikkei no okimi wo

Hikari to towa ni itadakite,

Shinmin warera mina tomoni

Miitsu ni sowan daishimei.

I can basically picture the crowds of Chiba and the whole of Japan singing and waving banners of my face, I am a national hero and a pioneer, I mean I am basically pushing the limits onto unknown and unexplored territory, no man has ever won 3 duels against Yukinoshita, I am willing to bet my allowance.

"Earth to Hikigaya-kun, stop humming showa songs and banging your chest, I will be more careful from now on so don't expect this little bout to repeat itself"

Heh, she looks cute when irritated with a reason she can't really help

"¿So why were you checking my whereabouts? ¿Were you looking for me?" I throw a slow ball

"Well… yes.-"

¡!

"-Hiki-flustered-kun, before your head obviously runs to the gutter, I would not ask nor realize I don't see you anywhere if I didn't think about what amazes me is that despite how ironically you stand out among the sea of regular alive-eyed students nobody knows you or where you are, I am not too attached, I was curious.-"

Heh, and that curiosity granted me 3 wins, it's true that curiosity kills cats. Albeit expected, it felt rather cold to hear a girl admitting she's not attached, she's not the first one of course, but I always hope the one who did it last is the final one, somehow I have managed to keep that happening without confessing, or talking to girls for that matter. This is just plain unfair ¿or fair? The Gods granted me 3 victories but reminded me of the stripes on the tiger. I guess they're also saying the truth that the Gods give as much as they take.

"So ¿2-F you say? I'll take it as you ingrained in your subconscious the correct class at some point, I think my only reference for your class is Hayama-kun"

¿Hayama? I hear that name a lot, but I don't know who that is. I've heard of how much of a stud he is, with every girl around me losing their shit over his looks and joyous personality. Judging by this description of his character I assume he is a bearer of the zone, if he has managed to make the normies weep over him by his mere existence he's either Buddha's incarnate or a wielder of the zone.

Judging by my confused look Yukinoshita was disappointed yet again at my social unawareness "Unbelievable, you claim to abborh 'normies' or how you decided to call your peers, and you believe in the Non Aggression Pact you stand by to not be bothered, yet you don't invest the minimum effort to recognize possible threats"

"Wait, wait, hang on. I am not that inept, I am aware that Hayama exists, I just don't know what he looks like. Same was with your case, I heard about your looks, your family, your wealth and whatnot, but before you waltzed in the clubroom with those long legs of yours I didn't know your appearance"

I notice how Yukinoshita covertly grips her skirt as I, too late to do anything about it more or less blurted out I was staring at her legs. But she shakes her head and huffs, if I can discern this correctly I would guess she's thinking that she took my words for other meaning, normally she would rush to tease me or threaten to report me to the authorities, but if I were to bet my 100 yen I would say she's embarrassed of coming out as an evil minded ecchi girl. ¿How am I able to analyze this? Well, Human communication is actually expressed by speech at around less than 50%, the rest comes from miscellaneous actions like oral fillers, body language, stares and whatnot. At this rate I'll graduate top of the class at Analysis of the Yukinoshita 305.

"Well ¿what does your guy look like? I mean I might actually remember someone I saw through my peripheral vision" I can't say this out loud but despite not knowing her name or what she looks like I will never forget that silverish blue-haired girl in my class ¿the reason? I can't disclose it, but if I ever contemplated witnessing something like that I never thought I would have to thank the roof of Sobu High, see you later virgins.

"¿Hayama-kun's appearance? Well he has blonde hair, however antinatural it may seem for a Japanese boy with Japanese parents, his dye is very effective, hmmm… he sports some permanent grin for a reason I don't know"

Ah for fuck's sake, I know exactly who she means, now I remember a group of like 5 or 6 six idiots revolving around a blonde stud every time I enter class, I hate that guy.

I grumble and acknowledge his existence

"I know who he is. I can't stand him, I will put on a surgical mask should I ever encounter him in the wild" I scoff

"Ara, out of any possible redeeming quality or trait someone like you could possess, biological and sanitary responsibility was not one I would put my luck in,color me surprised Hikigaya-kun. Good job stopping the spread of the Hiki germs, the nation of Japan commends you for your duty."

My mind goes into overdrive, is this woman telepathic? How does she know about the Hikigerms? I don't remember Yukinoshita among the ones who bullied me as a kid.

"And Hayama-kun was once my favorite person in the world besides a member of my family"

Uhhh… with this abrupt derailing of my paranoia aboard the train of my thoughts, I am left with no answer, is she mad I trash talked her, friend? Ex? She did say 'once was' and not 'still is'. Should I apologize? No, fuck no.

"I-uh…, well this is awkward but I am not taking back what I said. I despise people like him, sure, talking behind people's backs is cowardly, but it is also very hypocritical to remain indifferent or even worse, pretend you don't hate someone when you do."

Besides, all I've known during my life are people talking nasty stuff behind my back, you might say I either became used to it or desensitized, or that I am no better than those that bullied me back then, and you'd be correct. I never claimed to be anything else than what I am, worst thing that could happen is whoever you are talking shit about confronts you and defends their honor by hitting you in the face, but such as life hits you in the face repeatedly, you'll get a chance to double down and now talk garbage to their faces, you'll even train your fast reaction times, it is a win-win.

"Surprisingly integral, someone who openly admits and embraces its trashy nature and behavior, you are a paradox in itself Hikigaya-kun, so cowardly yet so exact at the very same thing."

"Yep. That's me" I say as I return my gaze to my novel.

"But I am not different, I can also say I hold animosity against his person, I am as integral and resentful as you are, maybe even more."

Hoh, for some reason I feel internally relieved at this revelation, I think it's because it rules out the possibility of Yukinoshita being a normalfag.


I trudge slowly and tiredly towards the clubroom, I keep forgetting that despite me being the president Yukinoshita wouldn't budge until I tasked her with fetching the clubroom key from the teacher's faculty, she was specially irritated at the fact that I arrive late because I literally waste my time walking around the MAX coffee machines or waiting a little bit before mustering the will to stand up and head towards the clubroom instead of talking with someone or doing something remotely important. But what I see when I turn around the hallway is a careful Yukinoshita peeking through the door. heh , stealth-Yuki detected

"Oi, what are you doing?" she yelps lightly and turns to me with a concerned look in her chilly eyes.

"¡Hikigaya-kun! Don't you sneak up like that behind a lady, this is why I must always be on my guard with you within a certain proximity"

I just sigh, I can't catch a break with you devil woman

"But for the current situation I am afraid your frightening stealth movements and lecherous eyes are but the second of my concerns, the first being that dark figure inside our clubroom"

Dark figur- I take a peek inside. What the hell?

"Alright, stay here"

"Good luck Hikigaya-kun, if it eats you at least die knowing I knew of your existence"

Grrrr. I approach this large mass of what appears to be a dude in a trench coat with…white hair… aw fuck, and here I thought today I could relax, today was my turn of choosing the music, curse my luck. I take a look back at Yukinoshita and signal with my hands that it is safe to proceed, but to stay behind me in case this one is an abnormal type, which I am certain it is.

"Hohoho" the mass voices in a deep voice before throwing dozens of papers to the air. Really cool isn't it asshole? Since it's not you who's going to clean up.

"Hachiman," he says with a rehearsed tone, to which Yukinoshita tilts her head to the left in confusion.

"Umm, may we help you?"

"It is I, your lord and master Ashikaga Yoshiteru Zaimokuza , I believe we haven't met in over 500 years, unexpected to see this is what you army camp would look like, for it is har more puny than the ones I recall from the battles we fought, HAHAHAHA"

"Oi, don't shit on my clubroom you twat, we keep it minimalistic because it's nice that way"

"It is nothing compared to my palace Hachiman, you can't compare with the Shogun's opulence"

"Ah, I can see that, I imagine your room is littered to the brim with wrappers, tissues and light novels, get outta here you Miyoshi puppet"

I feel a little tug on my sleeve as I turn to see a disgusted and extremely confused Yukinoshita

"Hikigaya-kun come here for a second. First of all, how can you understand what he's saying? I could swear I am listening to you two speak in Náhuatl or Quechua or an ancient tongue from the new world, and secondly, how is it possible to encounter someone that could surpass your creepiness?"

Right, as Yukinoshita lets sink in the realization that she has seen it all, I did establish standard japanese as the officially recognized and used language of the Service Club, and Yukinoshita does not understand otaku speak, not gonna lie, I wish I could forget how to use it, but I am as proficient as ever.

"What do you want Zaimokuza? Let's cut the crap and get to the point"

Yukinoshita seems disgusted that I am actually acquainted with Zaimokuza but she shrugs and walks to the brewer to make the daily tea, ah that reminds me.

"Ah wait-" I open my bag and take out the two mugs I brought from home, I figured we could stop using the paper cups and spending our own money to buy them, since the school doesn't provide us with a budget even after Yukinoshita joined "-take these, the red/pinkish one is yours, and no I never drank from it, you're not gonna die."

"I see, thank you." she then addresses Zaimokuza "please take a seat before getting to your request, and I apologize but you'll be having your courtesy tea in a paper cup."

"Herm, that is fine with me Hachiman, we have endured drinking the blood of the fallen before." He says while looking at me. oi Zaimokuza, don't ignore Yukinoshita, you'll regret it.

"So what is it that you want us to assist you with?" she asks him, mildly annoyed after she serves us our tea

"Well, you see Hachiman, I have become impatient, for the time of reckoning has come! It is time the subjects of my kingdom are blessed upon with my immense power and knowledge" Again, he looks in my direction.

" what I can discern from the atrocious way you speak and utter sounds with your vocal cords, you want to publish something, and what is it that you refer to as "your subjects"? I doubt a university or scientific journal would even bat an eye to your so-called knowledge"

"Hoh, but that is just a foolish assumption of someone like you Hachiman, my knowledge and vision will make it big among the masses of both cultured and novice samplers of the good read"

Yukinoshita is about to explode in anger, might as well defuse this and shit on him myself.

"Dude, look at her, she's asking you the questions, not me. I already know whatever half assed manuscript of a novel you brought with you is gonna be shit, she's the one genuinely interested on your skill and if she'll murder your entire career afterwards."

Yukinoshita shoots me daggers with hey eyes for that last sentence and Zaimokuza does the exact body movement of Eva-unit 2 when impaled by the spear of Longinus, I can't stand this guy, the fact that before Sobu I could've perfectly done the same crap with a serious face makes me want off myself.

"Just give us the read, come back tomorrow to hear our feedback." I end the meeting to stop Yukinoshita from berating us both


"Yo" I voice my usual greeting to no response, huh, the door was unlocked, I was sure that Yukinoshita would be already her-

Oh my God.

I can basically see the words of my internal monologue getting wiped with an eraser as the sight of a sleeping Yukinoshita has left me blank, let alone speechless. Her relaxed and at peace face just accentuates her gifts that completely make up for her lack in a southern department, I think I would sell my soul to an ancient parasite and curse my offspring with 2,000 years of hate and suffering if I was able to see a laid back Yukinoshita with her ocean blue eyes open.

Scratch that, have you ever heard that legend on the founding of Mexico? In which the Mexicans walked through mountains and deserts to reach the sight of an eagle devouring a snake over the water, and the Gods ordered them to build their capital in front of that sight? Well this tops that.

"Mmm-" she groans and shuts her eyes to open them after a few seconds "Hikigaya-kun"

I can feel my cheeks getting red

"Incredible. One sight of you has woken me up from my slumber and made me wish to never sleep again, for you are what they would call, nightmare material."

I-I just can't. The gods wouldn't allow me one moment of bliss involving Yukinoshita, no. all she has to say to me are insults, I hate the world

"Good afternoon to you too" I grumble

Fast forward to the late arrival of our chuuni client we sat at the table, steaming tea in cups and ready to get this over with.

"Well then comrades, shall we start? I trust you finished this work that will rock the very fabric of Japan and bring back the glory of Muromachi to our days! HAHAHA" he coughs a little bit to hide nis nervousness.

"I see, I shall commence then" Yukinoshita says with a calm demeanor and I nod.

"This was insultingly, painfully boring" she says while looking first at the stack of paper in her hands and then at Zaimokuza

"Arghhhhh" he whimpers and grabs his chest with those stupid gloves he wears

"Aren't we supposed to be reading a story set in the present day with characteristics of the Muromachi period? Why are you basing all of the ancient tropes in the Tokugawa shogunate? It seems you did not even attempt to hide how you stole prose and writing style from Shiba Ryotaro, I think we can only call "inspiration" to things actually inspired by something and not copied and replicated.

Also what was the point of emphasizing the female warrior's breasts in the moonlight scene? "

Zaimokuza fucking died. I actually find it disturbingly amazing that Yukinoshita manages to be so draconian while keeping her muliebrous aura, cute.

N-no Hachiman, we are not masochists, Yukinoshita will only r-KO you, kick you while you're down and her mother will feed you a lawsuit with a side of edamame and Calpis with natural water.

"H-Hachiman, my dear comrade. At least you know how to appreciate a fine story don't you?" he looks at me while glimmering a tad of hope that I will save him from his misery

"Zaimokuza… Wasting this much paper and printing ink was not worth it, much less the ones you stupidly threw in the air yesterday, I had to sweep them"

That was the killing blow "Hikigaya-kun, that was particularly cruel" Yukinoshita whispers to me, while that's rich, she might be right, I think I left Zaimokuza's self esteem in a comatose state"

"Alright alright, don't die just yet Zaimokuza. Look, Yukinoshita is right, but don't let that discourage you, everyone is going to notice right away if you rip off Japanese writers, try foreign.

Let's see… ah, I think I can give you an idea, try some relatively unknown imported esoteric tragedy like Pureduro Paaramo, and blend it with whicheverSamurai and horny fanservice you want to add, maybe set in a ravaged by war ghost town north of where Chiba is now."

"Puu-reduro.." Zaimokuza scrolls through his phone and lands in the iconic cover of Pedro Páramo before addressing me back.

"You are still wise Hachiman, I shall take your warring counseling to heart, I shall leave then"

After Zaimokuza screamed some war cries and some gargled English words and both of us cringed so hard as to recoil, Yukinoshita went back to the insults and teasing.

"I am taken aback Hikigaya-kun, after these weeks I have always seen you reading some mediocre quality novels-" she says that last word as if having a hard time "-of about the quality of the draft we just happened to review. One would think it was impossible for you to even open the cover of a higher category literary work." she says this with a wider grin than usual.

"Oi, don't say that as if I were some sort of lower capacity reader, I'll have you know this clubroom might as well be the Sobu equivalent of the Baghdad house of wisdom, even before you arrived" good god, I want to kill myself as I realize what I just said, maybe chuunibyou is contagious, is Zaimokuza's equivalent to the Hikigerms airborne?

Yukinoshita doesn't look impressed by my larping.

I sigh "Fine, I read that book because it was short and it seemed relatively abandoned in the shelf at the bookstore, I was looking for the new Kagerou Daze volume" I scratch the back of my neck

She giggles lightly and withdraws her attention and vision from me.

I realize there is still over 40 minutes of club hours before we can head home, this means alone time with Yukinoshita, which is fine considering we're both exhausted from dealing with Zaimokuza, I will claim my unused designed music-choosing turn from yesterday and maybe sleep the rest of club, I don't think Yukinoshita is eager to bother me and if Sensei comes in we can excuse ourselves in already solving one job today. God I am one hell of a bureaucrat and I don't even want to work.

I play something from Yagami Junko Hiratsuka-sensei recommended, I take off my blazer and tidy it up on the table for it to cover for a pillow, glance at Yukinoshita and prepare for a good nap.

*knock knock*

Thirteen seconds. Thirteen seconds of sleep was my reward for actually reading and reviewing Zaimokuza's shit, what now?!

"Come in" Yukinoshita says to whoever is outside

"Shitsureishimasuuu" I hear from a sing-songy annoying voice.


What do you think? I think I like what I can do with the context I have made here, the story I have pictured will be a lot more focused on Yukino's relationship with 8man, not to the point of them being OOC but less filler at least I hope.

Not like I am famous, but if you are curious 'I didn't expect to see you here' wasn't dropped, I just think last chapter was shit so I started writing this to reorganize and regain some confidence on making an oregairu story in my country at least readable.

And finally, as someone in the reviews pointed out, I am still getting used to not using '¿' in English, I'll work on that progressively as I get self conscious in the writing.

until next time lads.

Next chapter: Like cats and dogs