Disclaimer: All characters belong to Janet Evanovich. Thank you for letting us play with them.
Six Deadly Words
Stephanie couldn't believe it had happened to her, again! Another car was destroyed, another skip who almost got away. Once again, the Trenton Police Department and Trenton Fire Department laughed at her expense. To make matters worse, this was not her fault, not in the least.
She has just finished getting Marty Kinmartin to agree to come with her to TPD. He had failed to pay his speeding ticket because he was too busy trying to pay off hospital bills. Even though Stephanie empathized with him, she still needed to bring him into the station since he did skip bail. Unfortunately, as they were locking up his house, a gas truck lost control. It slammed into the vacant building across the street, quickly engulfing the building like you see in the movies. Soon enough, her car was part of the casualties. While Stephanie was staring at her misfortune, Marty attempted to sneak away. Still, Stephanie managed to stop him by tackling him, which is why the knee of her jeans is torn.
Stephanie looked up as she heard the screeching wheels of a Crown Vic and the smooth purr of a Porsche. Out of the Crown Vic climbed her on-again, off-again boyfriend, Joseph Morelli, who she was currently in an off stage. Stephanie could see the vein throbbing on his forehead as he started to stomp over to her. She also noticed Ranger, the highly successful Rangeman Security firm owner, her once-in-a-blue-moon lover, and mentor, slide out of the Porsche like a panther, sleek and elegant, while being dangerous at the same time.
Morelli couldn't believe the predicaments that Stephanie kept getting into. How many more times could he deal with hearing about her car going up in flames or seeing her with torn clothes and scrapes and bruises. His ulcers were coming back, and Joe recently considered buying stock in Tums since he took them by the trunk full. To make matters worse, he had to watch as Manoso arrived, cool as a cucumber. He doesn't nearly have a stroke every time Steph gets into one of her predicaments. Instead, that crazy mofo encourages her, tells her she's good at her job and helps give her false hope. One of these days, he's going to get Stephanie killed. Joe wondered why Stephanie just won't quit and marry him already. So, he can take care of her, support her, and make her the Burg woman that is her birthright.
When he caught his first look at Stephanie and saw that aside from her torn jeans, she appeared to be okay, he let himself let go of the fear that paralyzes him each time he hears about her car going off the grid from the control room. Ranger Manoso might look calm, cool, and collected, but he is anything else but that. He is a nervous wreck who spends every second praying to the God that he does not believe in, the way Ranger did when he was a boy that his Babe, his light, his salvation is safe. It irritates him that the cop is still around, that she won't push him to the curb where he belongs. But he knows, someday, at least he hopes, that she will come around and see just how great they could be together. With Stephanie by his side, they could be unstoppable.
The cop reaches Stephanie first and places his hands on his hips, smoke rising from his head as his anger surges through him. "What the fuck just happened, Stephanie? Why can't you be more careful? Why can't you just quit this fucking job that you suck at?"
Before Stephanie could respond, Ranger steps next to Joe and asks, "Babe, are you okay?"
Stephanie is prepared for Joe's angry outburst and Ranger's concern, but today, she has had it. She is sick and tired of karma kicking her in the ass. Stephanie doesn't understand what she did, that she deserves to keep getting beat up every time she starts climbing back up. She has gone almost six months without a mishap. Why today? Why now?
"I'm FINE!" Stephanie says as she throws her arms up in the air. "I'm fucking fine. Okay?"
"What is wrong with you, Stephanie? I am only concerned for your well-being." Joe says.
"NOTHING is wrong. Everything is fucking grand."
Ranger grew up with four sisters, his mother, and two abuelas. While he still hasn't mastered female-speak, he knows that 'fine' and 'nothing' spoken in that manner are not what they seem. Manoso smartly keeps his mouth shut and knows that eventually, Stephanie will calm down. However, he knows that she is being flooded with adrenaline, and the crash will hit her soon.
"Stephanie, you are going to quit that job and marry me, so help me God. I swear, Stephanie, I will drag you to my house and make you stay there until you come to your senses."
"Go ahead! I'd like to see you try."
Carl Constanza, a fellow officer with TPD who is good friends with Stephanie, stands next to Joe. "Joe, I think you should go back to the shop. Steph is obviously okay and not seriously hurt. She seems to just have a scrapped knee. I think you need to calm down a little."
"Stephanie, you know I love you, and my boys miss you."
"Whatever, Joe. I need to get Marty to the cop shop."
"Babe, if you don't mind, Cal and Hal can give you and your skip a ride to TPD."
Stephanie gave Ranger a look, a look that said, "I guess," but she wasn't overly enthusiastic. Ranger decided to step back and let Joe get the brunt of her anger.
"Stephanie, let Manoso's thugs take in Marty and come home with me. I'll help you get cleaned up, then you will call Vinny and quit. You know you really want to be with me."
"What do you mean, Joe?"
"Well, Cupcake, you can't keep doing this job. It's not proper for a woman to be going after the scum of the earth. I mean, you aren't even trained. I'm just telling you because I love you. So come on, Cupcake, come home with me. It'll make your mom happy."
"No, Joe, that's okay. I don't need to go with you. You can go back to work." Stephane stated, fuming at Joe's insensitive remarks. Why is it okay for women to be cops but not bounty hunters? "You don't seem to have a problem with Robin being a cop or with Jeanne Ellen being a bounty hunter."
"That's because they actually have skills. They are not just some pathetic screw-up trying to play in the big leagues."
You could hear the collective gasp at Joe's remark. Officer Robin Russell, who was pretty amused until that moment, was now staring a Joe, sending daggers his way. Stephanie, who was reasonably calm, was entering into rhino mode.
"Wow," Stephanie said. "Just wow. There's nothing more I can say at this moment." Stephanie was surprised that she was rendered speechless. She's heard Joe's rant a thousand and one times but never was speechless before.
"Ranger, do you think Cal and Hal will mind taking us now?"
"No, Babe, they won't. Could you please stop by Rangeman after and let Bobby clean up your knee? I can then lend you a car until you get a new one."
Stephanie sighed. All she wanted was a hot shower, some Rocky Road ice cream, and Ghostbusters, but it didn't look like she was going to get that now. "Okay."
Ranger nodded in Cal and Hal's direction as the two prominent men walked over. Marty, who had thoughts of running again, quickly decided not to, as either could easily crush him with their arm, let alone their body. Instead, he obediently followed the two imposing Rangeman as Stephanie followed.
"Damn it," Stephanie exclaimed.
"What's wrong?" Ranger asked, concern evident in his voice.
"My phone and wallet were in my car. When will I learn?"
"Babe, I'll help you take care of everything. It'll be okay."
Stephanie smiled and Ranger and continued to Cal and Hal's SUV.
"Cupcake, either you come with me now or don't come crying to me later when you don't have wheels."
"Joseph Morelli, leave me alone. I've had enough of you!" Stephanie climbed in the front seat, next to Cal, who was driving. Hal sat in the back next to Marty, who looked as though he was ready to make a mess in his pants. As soon as the car took off, Joe's fuse blew.
"What the hell just happened? Why is she so angry? I swear, she didn't seem like she was upset."
Robin stood there, shaking her head. "Morelli, for someone who is supposed to be the catch of Trenton, you sure know nothing about women."
"What are you talking about?"
Ranger laughed. "Morelli, I thought you had a sister. I grew up with four of them. Even I know those six deadly words." Ranger motioned to his men, who quickly returned to their vehicles and drove off, back to wherever they were before the call came through.
"What is he talking about?" Joe said, clearly irritated.
Robin sighed. "Joe, when a woman says fine, she doesn't mean everything is okay. She means that you are an ass, wrong, and better shut up before she really gets mad. But then, there is nothing. Now, nothing on its own is not bad, but combined with fine, well, you better get your blanket out because you're sleeping on the couch. Nothing means that she is thoroughly annoyed, and you better figure out what you did because she is not going to tell you. Go ahead is not a dare; it is actually a warning. If you do it, you will regret it. Then there is whatever. Whatever means, screw you to Pluto and back. That's okay is what we say when we plot our revenge. Finally, there's wow. Once you hit the wow threshold, you better be ready to grovel because that is the only way she will even consider forgiving you. That means that she is absolutely amazed at how stupid, dumb, and idiotic you are, and she wonders what she ever saw in you in the first place because you truly are the worst man she ever met. Detective Morelli, you are up the creek without a paddle or life vest. In fact, if I were you, I'd forget Stephanie Plum because she isn't ever forgiving you."
With that little speech, Robin turned around and motioned to Carl, her partner, that it was time to leave. Eddy Gazzara and Big Dog caught the scene, and they will take care of the paperwork. Carl was all too happy to go, not wanting to spend another moment around Morelli.
Soon, everyone had left the scene except for the fire investigators and Morelli. He couldn't believe how six words could be so deadly. He strode to his car and climbed in, proceeding to drive aimlessly around Trenton. When he went by Stephanie's apartment at nine that evening, he was in time to see Ranger carrying Rex's cage out, with Stephanie holding his hand with an overnight bag. Joe watched as Ranger let Steph into his Turbo, kissing her as he buckled her in. After Ranger closed the door, he looked directly at Morelli, smiling and shaking his head. It was the nonverbal "fuck you and thank you, bro" that men give each other when they benefit from your bad breakup. Then, as Ranger's car roared to life and drove away, all Joe could think was, "Why me?"
A/N: This little one-shot came to mind when I saw a posting about these words on the Facebook page Ranger Should Get the Girl. It inspired me, and I felt it would be fun to post. Thanks to my beta Susan for catching my mistakes. Please R & R, as that is the only way we authors get paid.
