Title: Journey of the Lonely Whale: Evolution (Month 12)
Author: Lisa (ljkwriting4life)
Rating: M. This story contains strong adult themes including references to violence, sexual references, and coarse language.
Pairing: Gil/Sara
Summary: One year since re-marrying, Gil and Sara return to San Diego to fulfil work commitments. While Sara becomes involved in a case that stirs memories of the past, she is also pushed by those around her to consider her future and her place in the world.
Notes: The JOTLW series aims to fill a gap between Immortality and CSI: Vegas. It does foreshadow CSI: Vegas and refers often to storylines established in the original CSI.
FOUR
"Omelettes?" Sara asked the next morning in the kitchen. She slid her arms around Gil's waist from behind as he stood at the stove. Gil smiled and clasped one of her hands over his chest. He had let her sleep while he got up and got ready for the day and had heard her follow his lead while he made breakfast. The bathroom was right across the hall from the kitchen, and though the door remained closed, he had heard the shower and her toothbrush and the melodic song she had sung to herself as she got ready. He recognised it as one of her favourites.
"Yes. Hungry?" he asked. His heart was racing and he was sure she could feel it under their joined hands, but he felt her nod against the back of his neck and she hummed as she kissed his throat. Gil felt shy about really seeing her after what had happened to him the night before, and the omelettes might have been a deliberate choice that ensured he was standing with his back to her when she entered the living space for the morning, but he knew that any awkwardness he felt was something he just had to accept and put to one side. Sara felt warm and comfortable and happy.
She had less than an hour before she had to go to work again.
"I'm starving actually," she said. "Used up a lot of energy yesterday."
He chuckled at the suggestive way she answered, even though she could have simply been referring to her first day back at work. Gil was glad she'd had an interesting day at the lab, even if it felt strange to be apart. In a way he had been glad to hear that. He didn't feel so stupid, having spent most of the day missing her. They would get used to the routine but he wasn't sure he wanted to. He had liked things as they were, but it also wasn't only about him anymore, and that was good too.
"Turn around, sweetheart," Sara ordered gently as she loosened her grip on him just enough. Gil raised his eyebrows as he turned, irrationally wondering if he would look any different to her, but before he got a good look at Sara she pressed her lips to his in a delicious kiss, minty fresh, slow and deep. Gil carefully put the spatula against the pan where the omelettes were still actively cooking. He let the spatula go as Sara groaned eagerly into his mouth. Okay, he thought. This was going well so far. Also, he suspected she had cottoned onto his little omelette-at-the-stovetop plan.
They were both breathless when they parted, and Gil stared at her wide-eyed, stunned. Sara pressed her lips together in a wise smirk as she brushed her fingertips around his lips to dry them.
"I knew that would distract you," she said, teasing him with her expression as he laughed sheepishly. "Better?"
Gil ran his hand through his hair and nodded, while Sara dabbed at her lips with her hand.
"If I wasn't going to miss you already, darlin', now I am," he assured her.
"And what are you going to do today?" she asked as she walked back around the counter and sat on a stool.
"Research day," he said. "I'll get in touch with our contacts in LA and Oregon as planned, to set up meetings to discuss our ideas for collaboration now we've got a better idea of the data we might collect. I might start scoping our chances at grants, might do some writing for them. You?"
"Once I get the sign-off to carry, I'm going to put my vest on and take my rookies out to re-interview a couple of victims from a string of break-and-enters," she said.
"Don't you mean your groupies?" Gil asked, with a raised eyebrow and serious look. He let her see the hint of a smirk as she laughed happily and shook her head. Gil liked the way her hair now bounced around her neck and shoulders. It was super-soft from whatever the hairdresser had done to it, it still shone in the light even without the silver, and some gentle waves were creeping in.
"Give me a few more days with them before we go that far," Sara replied. "Anyway, I could have sworn I was working with one of your groupies, when Sophie, who is more than twenty years younger than me, let alone you, handed me two photographs and whispered, 'What do you see?'"
Gil chuckled at her imitation.
"The only difference was, she wasn't testing me, she was genuinely curious."
"Honey, I've always been curious about you, you are a constant mystery," he assured her with another laugh. "Do you want to take the car with you today?"
"If you won't need it," she said.
Gil shrugged and shook his head. He didn't see why he would, and she liked driving.
"Do you want to make the coffee?" he asked. "We can sit on the patio to eat outdoors."
"Love to," Sara said with a big grin. She hopped off the stool and approached the nearby coffee machine that had come with the rest of the furniture and appliances. "Have you experimented with this yet?"
"Yes, but I won't spoil your fun by suggesting we switch places," he said with a smirk.
"Oh crap, that means it's hard," she shot back, laughing even as she tried to roll her eyes.
Gil shrugged as innocently as he could, delighting in watching her as she plastered a serious, determined look on her face, leant over, and thought and observed and worked it out. She worked it out faster than he had, but that was all right. He had always known he got the better end of the deal.
The week passed quickly. Even their appointments with the dentist were surprisingly straightforward on Wednesday, and by the time the sun set on Friday, Gil was enjoying the impressed look on Nick's face as Sara showed him around their small apartment, and the view of San Diego toward the bay. The sun was putting on a glorious display, silhouetting the trees and buildings in the distance in shades of pink and orange as it dipped below the horizon. Gil leant against the kitchen counter as vegetables and chickpeas roasted in the oven. It was no secret that Sara hated cooking, he knew that partly stemmed from her unsettled childhood and trauma. In comparison, Gil liked cooking, and Sara had always seemed to like what he made, so the arrangement worked well.
Sara hadn't always eaten well when she worked all-hours in Vegas. The night shift had a way of screwing with appetites and body clocks, and Sara was a naturally tall and slender build, but he remembered looking at her a few months after they had started seriously dating, after she had been regularly eating meals with him, and she had just looked healthier, a little fuller. Certainly happier. That had happened for him as well, both back then and now. He had lost weight again, he was a pescetarian when they were on the boat and off the boat he regularly joined her in vegetarian meals, with the occasional indulgence when they ate at restaurants, and he felt better for it. His doctor had been pleased, too, unlike Sara's doctor, who decided to make her feel like shit instead.
"Wow, you guys," Nick exclaimed, interrupting Gil's thoughts. "This place is stunning."
"It is a bit luxurious, very modern," Sara admitted. "But we've been living on a boat, so-"
"It's still small," Nick said. "I'd have thought after all that time you'd want something bigger, two bedrooms maybe, so you can really spread out."
"We don't need it at this stage," Gil said. "It would just be wasted space."
"And trust us," Sara added. "This is costing us enough with just the one bedroom, thanks."
"Right next to the park? I don't doubt it," Nick said. He smiled at Gil. "Have you checked out the botanical building over in the park yet? Near the lilypond?"
"I have," Gil said with a smile. "Took the sketchbook down, found a seat, had a very nice afternoon there yesterday."
"Still sticking to this retirement thing, eh?"
"Yes," he said. He held up his hands in surrender and gestured toward Sara. "I am the supporting cast in this theatre."
Sara rolled her eyes dramatically and Nick and Gil both laughed.
"Would you ever think of buying a place like this, that you can stay in whenever you're back?" Nick asked as he pulled up a stool by the kitchen counter. "Lease out while you're away?"
"We've talked about it over the years," Gil said as he glanced at Sara. "It only makes sense if we're coming back regularly or spending longer periods of time here, or if something happens and we can't manage the boat together anymore. Maybe in ten or fifteen years."
"When you'll be what, seventy-two, seventy-three? Seventy-seven? That's ambitious."
Gil pressed his lips together in a dry smirk as he nodded, and Nick chuckled.
"You're a jerk, Nick," Sara huffed. She playfully smacked Nick over the back of his head as he laughed more loudly.
"I'm only teasing!" he insisted happily. "Hell, fifteen years from now we'll be his age, Sara."
"Yeah, I can do math, thanks," she stated as she poured them all a glass of wine.
Gil could tell she was, in fact, genuinely pissed off. He touched her elbow briefly and offered a smile. She smiled at him and relaxed, but he saw a hint of soulfulness and he understood.
Suddenly, ten or fifteen or even twenty years didn't sound like a very long time.
Nick also grew more serious and thoughtful as he watched them.
"Hey," he began once Sara had distributed the glasses of wine. "Can I ask you both something? It's personal, so you don't have to answer, but it's something I've been thinking about."
"Sure Nick," Sara said. It was then they both noticed the pot of water on the stove behind Gil was finally boiling, and before Gil could move Sara put a hand on his arm and said softly, "I'll get it". She turned her back on them and opened the nearby container of rice. She liked making rice. She carefully measured and tipped a cup of it into the water and turned the heat down to simmer. Gil watched her, because he could, and he noticed that Nick had paused and was watching her as well.
When Sara returned to their end of the kitchen, she and Gil returned their attention to Nick, who was squirming in his seat and Gil even thought he was blushing.
"Okay," Nick began once he knew he had their undivided attention. "Like I said, you guys don't have to answer, this is a serious question, I just thought you might have some advice-"
"Go on, Nick," Gil urged. He frowned curiously.
"Is it a relationship question?" Sara asked before Nick could say anything.
"Sort of," Nick said. He winced, but Sara grinned.
"All right then," she said. "Let's hear it."
"I was wondering if the two of you ever regretted…not having kids."
Sara had made the mistake of taking a sip of wine and nearly choked. She gulped it down. Gil pressed his lips together in a tender smile. He glanced from her, back to an earnest-looking Nick.
"I don't want to upset you or anything," he said hurriedly.
"No, no, you won't, you didn't," Sara insisted as she coughed and waved her hand out to dismiss his worries. "Sorry, bad timing. Um…context, Nick?"
"See, I was seeing someone, until a few months ago. It was going well for a good six months, she's mid-thirties, gorgeous, so smart. She's a lawyer, she understood my job. I uh, I kind of fell for her, you know? We had a really good thing going. I thought, okay, this is really it."
Sara nodded as Gil remained still and thoughtful.
"She was just…adamant she didn't want children and she was never gonna change her mind. She said, even if I never got to have children with anyone else, it would still be better this way because otherwise I'd only resent her for being the one obstacle to us trying. And I thought, well, the two of you don't have kids, and I'm wondering whether that was a choice, and what that was like."
Sara looked to Gil and raised her eyebrows, silently inviting him to respond.
"I think that decision was made for us, Nick," Gil said. "You just pointed it out. Do the math."
Nick rolled his eyes.
"I'm not talking about now, in this last year. I know you probably couldn't at this point."
Nick gestured to Sara, which Gil was sure would make her feel really special, one week after a doctor, as she told it, mansplained sex and perimenopause to her in the middle of a vaginal exam.
"I'm talking about, originally, back when you two first got serious," Nick continued. "I mean, back then you were both younger, you could have gotten pregnant if you'd wanted to, right?"
Gil looked to Sara but she just pursed her lips and shook her head with a glint in her eye.
"It's all you, Gil," she said. She gestured between the two men. "You can do it."
He glared playfully at her, which made her laugh, and Nick looked a little bewildered.
Gil took pity on Nick. He could do this, he told himself with a sigh. Just be honest and clear.
"Okay," Gil said. He cleared his throat while Sara went off to check on the rice and the oven. "Well, I suppose it was a choice, but it wasn't a complicated one, and it was the right choice for us."
"So, you both decided together not to try?" Nick asked.
"We understood that it wasn't what either of us needed in our lives," Gil said. "I think it's safe to say there were hereditary concerns on both sides, things we worried about passing on."
"Your hearing," Nick guessed. "Your mom is deaf, right? And you had that surgery?"
Gil nodded, but that wasn't the reason. They would have coped with that; in a way it might have been wonderful. He and Sara still signed sometimes, but it felt strange not to have to. He glanced cautiously at Sara, and she was feeling brave because she just came right out and said it.
"My mom and dad should never have had kids," she said. "Mom's got schizophrenia, and you know it tends to run in families even if there's no single gene to blame, and uh, there's other stuff, behavioural stuff, a history of family violence I'd just be too afraid to pass on, even if I tried everything in my power to be a different sort of parent. It wasn't something I ever wanted."
"Yeah," Nick said softly. "I kind of suspected that might be the case. That makes sense."
"Did this woman ever tell you why she didn't want children?" Gil asked. "It's a serious thing to ask of another person. I would never have walked away from Sara on the off chance I might have had a child one day, especially not once I understood her concerns, once I really knew her. For me, just being with somebody else and letting them know me was enough of a step for me to take. But, if Sara had said yes and it was what she wanted…then I would have done everything I could to help her. Either way, I knew she would have to be the one to say if it was something she wanted, or not, and we settled on not, and then we talked about it again after we got married in Costa Rica and we agreed it was still a part of life we could both live happily without. That decision also never had anything whatsoever to do with…the time we then spent apart, if that's what you were thinking."
"No, it's not. I just thought that divorce was cos the two of you are stubborn workaholics."
"That's true enough," Sara said as she looked between Gil and Nick.
Gil hoped he hadn't said too much. Sara did not look upset, but he had never been asked about this before, and he had no idea what the socially acceptable answer was, or if there even was one. However, Nick was a good friend, he trusted them, and it felt surprisingly good to be asked.
"And now, I guess…it's decision made?" Nick then asked.
Sara laughed, a deep, self-deprecating laugh and turned her head away.
"Uh, yeah Nick," Gil said gently. "Decision made. Irrespective of the biology at work here, Sara and I both lost our fathers when we were young. I would never create a child at my age, and I was hesitant even fifteen years ago, but not because of hearing. I knew there was a likelihood that dad's cause of death was genetic and that I would also leave any family I had too soon, so it was easier to…step away from that idea. It didn't matter that afterward the child would still be loved by…the most wonderful mother."
"Gil's mom died about a year and a half ago, Nick," Sara said softly when Gil's voice broke.
"Oh gee, I'm sorry," Nick said. "Really, and look, it makes a lot of sense, and by the time you two were together you were even older than I am now, I get it. I think I know the answer to this last part, but, do you regret it?"
"No," Sara and Gil both said immediately, simultaneously.
Nick glanced at Sara doubtfully and she narrowed her eyes.
"I mean it, Nick," she said firmly. "I've never regretted it. The only thing I regret is when women are made to feel like the only thing they're good for is procreation, because that's bullshit and it pisses me off."
"Yeah, that's what Carly said. She uh, she's a bit like you, environmentally conscious and she's worried about the state of the world and what the future will be like. I always thought you two would get along so great. But she comes from a real nice, big family, lots of nieces and nephews-"
"Maybe that's enough for her, especially if she finds meaning in other things, like her job," Sara said. "You don't need to have had a terrible childhood to not want to be a parent. Some kids from big, happy families can't wait to get out of them. Just like you don't need to come from a perfect family to want children of your own. Did uh, does she love you? Are you still in touch?"
"We say hi online every now and then. I miss her. I just think about her sometimes and wonder if I should go back and tell her I've thought about it and it would be all right not to be a dad."
"Would it, though?" Sara asked. "If she's a lawyer, she could be a walking lie detector."
"Yeah, she is a bit," Nick said with a rueful chuckle. He looked to Gil, who raised his eyebrows as he waited for Nick to speak to him. "If you had really wanted kids, but Sara hadn't-"
"I can't answer that," Gil said quickly and seriously. "All I ever wanted was Sara."
Sara sucked in a breath and turned away. She put her hand over her mouth as Nick chuckled.
"I'll be right back," she said. She made a direct line for the bathroom.
"I think you made her cry," Nick said to Gil with a grin. He hesitated. "Is that really true?"
"One hundred percent, and she knows it," Gil said. "So, if that's how you feel about this lawyer, then great, and if not, then you also know what the decision should be. Just don't assume she's going to change her mind. She's doing the responsible thing, assuming that you won't either."
Nick hummed and stared off into space as he finished his wine.
"Helpful?" Gil asked curiously, after a long moment of silence between them.
"Yeah, I think so," Nick said thoughtfully. He frowned. "Were you really talking about your mom before, or were you talking about Sara, because she would have been wonderful at it too?"
Gil hesitated as he looked into Nick's clever eyes.
"Both," he said. "But either way, my conclusions are the same. Our lives would have felt limited by children. You need to decide whether that would limit your life or open it up, Nick."
He left Nick to ponder while he finished preparing dinner. The rice was ready, he drained it, and the vegetables and chickpeas were ready. He got those out of the oven and plated their meals.
"Uh," Nick began. He stood and gestured to the partially closed bedroom door. "Should I-"
"Can you set the table?" Gil asked. He didn't wait for Nick to answer before passing him on the way to the bedroom himself. "Sara," he said as he opened the door and stepped in. "Dinner."
Sara was sitting on the corner of the bed with her hands on the mattress beside her hips, and Gil carefully shut the bedroom door behind him for privacy. He heard Nick fussing with cutlery.
"Are you all right?" Gil asked Sara quietly. He took a nervous step forward and gestured with his hands as he spoke. "I'm sorry, if that was too much, too much to tell Nick. He's a friend, so I-"
Sara shook her head as she forced a smile to her face and stood. She walked to Gil and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. He quickly slid his arms around her waist and pulled her into a warm and tight hug. He could feel her heart beating quickly against him, but she seemed calm.
"Thank you," she whispered, as she tightened her arms around him.
Gil sighed and relaxed as he realised she wasn't so upset. In fact, he hoped she was relieved, hearing that from him just now, hearing that they were still in agreement even after so many years. He was sure she remembered the tender conversation in which they had each said they thought the other would be a wonderful parent, a wonderful mom, a wonderful dad. Sara knew he hadn't just been talking about his own mother, even though that was how she'd tried to make it seem to Nick.
To protect them, he thought. They were stronger together.
"That's why you don't like going to the doctor, isn't it," she mumbled into his ear. "In case you find out something's wrong with your heart, like your dad." She sighed when Gil said nothing. Her voice was gentle but serious. "Thank you for telling me, but Gil, that's why you go, it's why I wanted you to go. If your dad had seen a doctor instead of ignoring any symptoms, even back then-"
"I know, I promise I'm fine, and I'm sorry," he said. "Come and eat before it gets cold."
Sara nodded. She excused herself to the toilet first, and Gil returned to the table, where Sara joined them a few minutes later. She smiled as she sat down and lifted her glass of wine and prompted Nick and Gil to clink their glasses together in a happy enough, "Cheers!" moment.
"Sara," Nick began a minute later, his tone laced with an unspoken apology.
"It's fine," she said quickly. "I'm just a bit pissed off at biology these days, it always was my least favourite strand. For what it's worth my advice is that if you do want to be a dad, Nick, then put that into your online dating profile or whatever the cool kids are using these days, and go after it. I promise there are women who will fall all over themselves to get your number, and you might be surprised, but you can't force someone to be on a bus with you, going only where you want to go. Either they choose to get on board and you figure it out together, or you're on different buses."
"Or boats," Gil added with a knowing smile. Sara laughed and blushed.
"Yeah, that wasn't very well disguised, was it," she said, happily teasing him with her eyes. "Can we talk about grant writing now?" she asked. "Or something equally impersonal?"
Nick laughed. He had no idea how eternally grateful Gil was that just fifty-one weeks earlier, Sara had climbed aboard the Ishmael. The rest, they were still just trying to figure out.