Chapter 1: Kishi-ou the Guard
Smile, greet a good day, insert enough cheer in the body language to not make it creepy or make me look like a deadfish. Ah. . . I remember the time back in my old world where working as a security guard does not necessitates good service. . . Or is it because I was dirt poor back then and did not ever experience the VIP treatment? I don't know.
I greeted the dangerous and obviously horny teenagers with a smile and a tip of my hat as I proceeded to continue my patrol of the school. Kuoh Academy, where almost every member of the intrepid main character's harem and himself is experiencing the good old high school life. Honestly, I have a hard time relating on such matters given mine. . . was well, shit. Still, I think the school is a bad example of what is the best of my home's school is supposed to get up to.
All the power to animeland high school Japanese kiddies I guess.
It made me suddenly realize from such soul searching or just that conspiracy theorist in me that as much as either by design from the higher ups or just by this world's setting in the early days portray that everything would be slice of life is what I am observing. Granted it might be the local Japanophile and chess obsessed four eyes are the reasons why things are like this but I digress.
Walking around, patrolling and. . . I swivel my head and stare at the trio in the side wall of the kendo club's dojo, grinning and giggling perversely while looking at what seems to be holes in the wall that would make a certain pervy sage proud. Slapping the baton in my arm, I estimated the arm strength I needed to use, trusting my instincts and then proceed to fucking yeet it to the three mofos!
"Wa–" I don't know if it's the original jock's previous athleticism or what, but baldy was the one who's instincts seem honed enough to swivel his head and say those words next to Issei who probably have good instincts for being the local scapegoat or him being a speshul protagonist who only managed to swivel his face to the baton's flight path but it was too late when the baton hits Mr. Main Character in the face, ricocheting to the nerd while somehow his glasses managed to stay in place, and to the baldy who was too slow to move and thus hitting all three in perfect ricochet precision!
Crisp and brisk in pace, I approached the three idiots groaning at the concussion they are experiencing and raised my arm just in time for the spinning baton to drop on my waiting palm after rebounding from the baldy's head up in the air. Call me Archer but pulling that yeet without magic or beyond normal human strength is something I even did not expect!
"Kyaah! Rordu Warden Princu-sama!"
"That was an amazing throw Rordu Warden Princu-sama! Can you please come by the baseball club later on to teach us!"
"Tie me up Lord Warden Prince-sama!"
"Haa. . ." "Yumi-chan get a grip of yourself!"
And then there's the peanut gallery. . . I hid a shiver and a cringe as the kids literally strip me with their eyes and spouting that nickname they came up with gratuitous Engrish(and why the fuck is the one that have an obvious fetish said it right!) while yours truly relaxed briefly the resting bitch face and waved at them. The already roaring crowd screech like a group of banshees, tittering birds and more are outright fainting on the ground while I try to say to them to return to their club activities and send those brats to the infirmary and not be overdramatically hold them as if their casualties of war! Fuck, I managed to grab hold of the trio as I was nearly dogpiled by the kendo club girlies that came out of their dojo with their sweaty youthful bods clad on their kendoka clothes that somehow had gotten fucking looser the closer they are to me and I just saw you throw that helmet away Minaguchi!
God, I was barely saved by such matters due to the fact that I was already holding the trio and they are literally reflexively practicing social distance way early! It would have made the me from 2022 proud if the last few times they pulled such stunt they had blindsided me by retreating and then rushing on consensus to drag the Pervy Trio out of the grips of my arms that it took all my instincts to survive that incident intact with only my hat lost from the scramble.
. . . I never got that hat back by the way.
"Ah, those oppai, just barely touching distance. . ." Hyoudou Issei muttered, staring at the air and literally drooling like some drugged out idiot in the office the school have kindly provided me. His friends, baldy(Matsuda) and nerd(Motohama) also openly weeping into the high heavens behind my desk. . . while reading the tattered yet well preserved porn mags in the office as a coping mechanism and literally putting towers of them around like some twisted version of a blanket.
What? I was a hormonal teenager back in the day too and if they 'entertain' themselves with porn without damaging their already tattered social life further and away from prying eyes(society), its fine to me.
Though I'm not a bro enough when they whined about their plan accidentally that they apparently were thinking of using me as bait to try to cope a feel or two on the kendoka girlies when I 'rescued' them, brats. So, I slapped their hands a bit strongly when I 'cheerfully high fived them' while celebrating another day of not getting smacked down by the kendoka girlies. My small retribution was enough to hurt and throb but not be permanently damaging, just enough so they can't beat their sticks tonight courtesy of some reinforced sharp paper cuts I inserted in the sides of my fingers laced with jalapenos magicked to only last for eight hours and safely cleansed to avoid allergies or worse that I prepared for such matters.
"I'm starting to regret getting this job. . ." I muttered for how many times probably these past few months this school year just for me to get close on the main cast so I can pull them out as a wild Deux Ex Machina. The morality of literally letting the main casts face problems and letting specific crazy events continue their course is not lost to me and Arthur-me that I literally talked it out in the mirror arguing with myself like a crazy person, even if the guy seems a bit as tight lipped as Galahad that the only mode of communication he uses are just sending feelings, fucking glowy eyes and cranking the literal factory of magical energy in my chest.
And in the matter on why Kuoh Academy hired yours truly as a security guard when two supposed heiresses of the devil kind acts and duty bound to be like the Second Owners from Arthur's reality and with the secret of the supernatural is paramount? Well. . . I may or may not have stalked key important rich people's schedules that had their female brats enrolled in the school, and in one fell swoop talked them into conversations that may or may not had led to possible concerns that as Kuoh is being a new co-ed school about the problems girls who are groomed and raised in such an environment may or may not experience when the opposite gender arrives with all the hormones and 'enthusiasm' they carry for the first time.
Fast forward after they realized as parents after the 'talk' that they seem to can't remember the good samaritan's looks, voice and visible habits due to a scentless and invisible 'perfume' I managed to concoct from one of the tomes in my apartment that talking with their spawns and be the one acting first and not wait it out and let it fester and somehow manages in their memories to gloss over some. . . colorful statements about the excessive perversion of three notable students. Well, Kuoh Academy have taken it's matter to hire a local as a guard or matron as a test run with certain conditions and caveats. Pay is good though.
The competition was harsh on who to pick, from literal physical powerhouses of female and male variety, enthusiastic old men and matronly women and many varieties. But as all wars attests, winning without the battle even started trumps as always to minimize and efficiently win without damages. The one with malicious inclinations was quietly pointed to the police by them accidentally slipping for many reasons; most notably by magical uses by the local devils, fellow 'competitors' somehow realizes that there are nearby safer part-time jobs with good pays without the possibility of getting called out for possible sexual harassments and those who's too old to work cries gratuitous tears by sudden visits and calls from their kiddies and grand kiddies that is helping them and 'scolded' them for entering such a job on an 'obviously possible high stress environment'.
The interview, tests was easily clinched by me who literally survived in this reality dealing with all the shenanigans of a part-timer in anime-land and well. . . my clinical problem when the rich kiddies have hired a literal shrink as part of the test pointed out how listless I am and literally talks myself to reach on convenient conclusions sometimes would be immensely helpful for a certain two heiresses in hiding their secrets without heavily resorting to hypnotism.
. . . I deeply question sometimes if its my natural state of being, or the gratuitous mundane self-hypnosis I have used at that time, and previous ones when I am practicing my magecraft.
"Oooohhh! Andrew-sama! Where did you find this priceless relic! I had been looking for this for years!" Matsuda, the baldy literally screamed while kneeling and holding a porn mag depicting. . . his inclinations that would have been probably illegal if it was not a 'baba' the mag focuses on while he raises the thing like baby Simba getting raised up on Pride Rock and breaking me out of my thoughts.
. . . Even with his throbbing and red hands. Man, these brats' resilience is ridiculous sometimes to observe, even the nerd is literally taking the punishment like a champ while reading one of the really old porn mags I have in stock.
"That?" I wracked my brain up from the countless parks, riverbanks, literal foliage and bushes, nearby forests of towns and cities, and holes I dug out using my Servant senses during my travels in this world about spiritual matters on trying to find some unique cookies left behind by passing by supernatural creatures. Note, nine point five out of ten, the once I found are literal porn mags with their previous owners' feelings somehow sticking on the damn things creating enough feedback for me to notice, point three are sexual toys in memorial from past 'mistresses' and 'masters' that left them behind and more.
. . . This world is literally trying to corrupt me and onto me; I just know it! Especially when porn mag youkais and monsters are a thing that I dealt with. The extremely wholesome and heartwarming spiritual memories of actual romance, bro codes and maturity that somehow stuck around are just baits to let my guard down!
The mags the duo currently reading and those that are also around them? Well, the reason why I hoarded the things, even the most degenerate ones are for bribes from the literal perverts running around this reality, my personal enjoyment on some AND from those who actually grew up as decent adults and have good sentimental energy that as a professional shipper can't help but hoard them until said energies are gone for me to viking funeral them. . . makes me suddenly think that Odin somehow gets them now that I think about it.
The memory where I found that thing came to me when Motohama pulled out the box where the magazine came from and I said it to the baldy while Issei managed to get out of his funk to do his bro given duty between the three as a watcher outside and acting as waiting for his buddies still with the security guard in his office for obvious 'mature' reasons. I of course scolded the idiots properly as a responsible adult both when they entered the office and after when my alarm clock ringed that its time to go home.
And to stick the punishment and scolding properly, even if temporarily, I dangled the confiscated 'goods' that would be given to the StuCo I managed to pick around the school during my patrols that they tried again to hid for their supposed 'enjoyment' in the hell that is school hours. And burnt the 10th copy of some limited-edition porn mags on front of their faces that they enjoyed yesterday much to the two's horrors both for their usual hijinks and for literally using me as bait. I may or may not had picked Motohama's favorites cause the stunt they tried to pull seems to be his idea.
Issei getting blueballed was punishment enough. Now how do I spin this to Sona. . . Normally, I would had sent these three into the StuCo room given that somehow, they managed to make the guidance councilor gave up on 'em and its actually detrimental to send them to the StuCo's given all of them currently are females, and well some probable back dealing Sona and Rias have. . . now speaking of the former, she's a bit too strict with almost no funny bone that she tends to snoop and check around me as much as she can manage that I'm literally glad that one of the things I prioritized on learning magecraft is accessing and storing stuff up in the Imaginary Number Space as my personal hammerspace.
"Clean 'em up you two!" I said and used my delegation rights that the two wholeheartedly obeyed and started literally carefully and 'gently' collect the 'ashes' of the porn mags I burnt. Sighing, I walked out of the door to get out of the smoke that still lingered somehow even with the window I opened just in time for a ridiculous bombshell of a young lady wearing a black school uniform I swore I saw somewhere bowing to one Hyoudou Issei.
"W-Will you go out with me?" Said one obviously named Amano Yuuma earnestly looking at the tits obsessed boy literally BSoDing at what is happening. I don't know if it was the headache, the confusion why she's pulling this stunt literally in the school and thus in enemy territory, trepidation, or all of the above hit me just looking at the damn scene straight out of an eroge.
I mean seriously, the crazy bitch has the sunset somehow sticking on her back tastefully even if the location is different! Heck, as if the world wants to screw me over and the boy that is openly gaping, the nearby trees' falling leaves get caught by the wind making the girl hold her skirt and close one eye when her hair nearly entered it!
You know what, I ain't dealing with this.' I properly worded it in my mind even if I felt a disappointed parent look somehow is coming out of the back of my mind. I put my head back inside my lil' office to the two busy idiots outright mourning a bunch of ashes.
"Issei got a girl to confess to him!" I roared to the two.
The absolutely perfect dual successive drop kicks the two had somehow done through the window to Issei was absolutely glorious for my headache to calm down briefly. Still, I think I need to double my sweets intake tonight now that this have happened and actually infront of me. . .
A/N: Thanks for the likes and reviews fam, is in a good mood AND somehow have time and focus IRL to make this, so. . . here! As before, review and be frank as much as you like, my muse and me enjoys 'em as much as a starving horse!