LOSE MY VIRGINITY
Have Hot Sweaty Sex
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I cried myself to sleep last night.
I haven't cried myself to sleep since my diagnosis.
One tear seeped out, then another, until I found myself full-fledge crying like a baby. I trace my finger down the window pane, following the trail of a raindrop. Who knows, maybe a good cry was long over-do. In fact, my therapist would be thrilled to know that I'd broken down my emotional wall to let some real feelings seep out.
The tears weren't because Lisa had played me for a fool. They weren't even because I'm still a virgin and am starting to wonder if I'll ever mark that off my bucket list. I cried because I realized how much I've missed over the years while being ill. How much more I'll miss when I'm gone.
I woke feeling depressed, heavy and angry. The dreary weather hasn't helped. I've spent the day inside, huddled on the couch, dividing my time between watching BBC and watching people race through the city, dodging puddles. Rosé did her best to cheer me up, but she went out of town to visit a friend an hour ago, and won't be back until tomorrow morning.
Two more days.
With a sigh, I rest my forehead on the cool glass of the window. When I was at home, I so desperately wanted to be left alone. Now that I am alone, I don't want to be. Being alone means being forced to deal with my troubled thoughts, when I'd rather do anything else. I cross my arms over my chest and stare out onto the streets below. It's strangely quiet and empty tonight. The rain is keeping people inside.
Only two days left.
I need to go out, enjoy the city and the days remaining. But Kai has left for the Netherlands, and Rosé is gone. Damn it all, I'm not going to sit around, pouting. I spent my first few days here alone, I can do it again. Even through the closed windows, I can smell the scent of pizza from the parlor down the block. A slow grin lifts my lips. Why not?
The buzzer rings, startling me.
Who the hell is that? Thunder rumbles outside, shaking the window panes as if in warning. The perfect start to a horror movie. Maybe Rosé decided to return tonight and forgot her key. Maybe it's Joy. I move eagerly across the living room. Company is just what I need to get me out of this bad mood.
I push the button. "Hello?"
"Why?" Lisa's voice invades the stillness of the room. "Just tell me why?"
I stumble back in surprise. A million thoughts fly through my mind at once. I hadn't expected her to return. I thought this was over. Hell, I'm not good with confrontation. I wring my hands together. Why would she be here when she has the hot redhead?
Annoyed, and yes, a little curious, I step closer to the intercom and clear my throat. "What do you want, Lisa?"
"I want an answer, Jennie. I deserve that much."
My shock turns to anger. "You deserve that much? Are you kidding?"
Thunder rumbles again, mirroring my growing irritation. The rain thickens, pattering against the windows like tiny, irate fists. I should ignore her. I should refuse to answer if she buzzes again. So why don't I? Why don't I turn off the lights and go to bed? Leave her to rot in the rain.
"Let me up, Jennie."
"No."
"Let me up, or you come down here. I'm not going to leave until we talk."
The words "fuck off" instinctively come to my lips. But damn it all, I can't deny I'm curious. Curious enough to let her upstairs? I hesitate. I'm in sweats, my hair in a lop-sided bun, still damp from the shower I took only a half an hour ago. It's raining and cold outside, I sure as hell am not going downstairs.
I take in a deep, trembling breath, trying to calm my racing heart. She's still waiting downstairs, I can feel her presence like she's standing right next to me. Who am I kidding…the moment she spoke I knew I was going to let her come up. With a sigh of frustration, I buzz her in.
What is it about this girl that gets under my skin? She's like an infection that won't go away. A sexy, hot infection. I could ignore her knock. Refuse to open the door. She won't cause a scene. Scandinavian people don't cause scenes, do they?
There's a soft knock and my heart leaps. "Jennie, open the door."
I part my lips to tell her I've changed my mind, to go away. Then she adds, "please," so quietly, I think I've imagined it for a moment. My body grows soft. She makes me melt. I'm not sure what I'm feeling anymore. Hot. Cold. Angry. Excited. She has too much power over me.
I move to the door and open it. "What do you want?"
Our eyes lock, and for one brief moment all of my anger fades. Damn, she's gorgeous, even when she's been standing in the rain for ten minutes. She's soaked, water trailing down the hard planes of her face. Her hair is damp, and the wet jacket and jeans she's wearing cling to her lean body.
She looks like an advertisement for a high-end magazine. That spot between my thighs instantly throbs. Mentally, I might have written her off, but my body hasn't. I swallow hard, resisting the urge to shift in an attempt to ease the ache. She looks fucking sexy as hell.
No. She's a jerk. End of story. I slam up the emotional shield that has been my constant companion for the last few years. "What do you want, Lisa?"
She brushes by me and enters the apartment like she owns the place. Even as my irritation flares, I can't help but notice she smells of musty rain and heated male. And damn it all, if it isn't a wonderful combination.
"Maybe I don't understand American women…"
"Oh no." I close the door and turn to glare at her, slapping my attraction across her slutty face. I will not fall for whatever shtick this is. I fell for her nice-girl act once, it won't happen again. "Don't make this about me being an American. There's a lot of shit I'll take for being American, but not this."
"Then why? I thought…" She rakes her hands through her hair, sending droplets through the air. "I thought you liked me. I thought we were…dating."
Always calm, always rational, this is a new side of Lisa I've never experienced before. She's obviously frustrated, but I won't let myself be intrigued. I'm furious, I remind myself.
"Yeah, I thought we were dating too," I admit, despite the voice inside my head screaming to tell her nothing. Nothing! I will not let her see how much she's hurt me.
"Then what happened?"
"You kissing some redhead the other day by the castle happened," I blurt out.
She looks confused. Even shakes her head as if in denial.
I roll my eyes and laugh. She's not going to play this game. I'm not some weak-willed woman so desperate for someone that I'll believe anything…will I? I shake my head. No, of course I won't. If I want to lose my virginity I'll call Kai. At least I can trust him.
"Lisa, don't." I cross my arms over my chest. "Joy and I were walking by Rosenborg the other day. We saw you kissing a redhead woman."
Her gaze clears. She mutters something in Danish, or maybe it's Norwegian, and paces the living room. Her boots are heavy and hard against the floorboards, mirroring the pounding fury of my heart.
That's right, buddy, you were caught and I have a witness. So stop playing the poor me card.
She finally faces me. "Jisoo is like family. She's a friend."
Jisoo? Ugh. And oh my god. She seriously expects me to believe that lame excuse? "Friend? Maybe it's just an American thing, but we don't greet our friends by making out."
Enough, my rational mind tells me. For once, I listen. I start toward the door, determined to throw her out, but she refuses to follow, staying firmly planted in the middle of the living room. I know she'll leave if I insist. As much as I hate her in the moment, I've never feared her. So why don't the words leave my lips?
"Our families have been friends since before I was born."
Great, they're besties. I glare at her. Nothing she says is making me feel better. I don't even greet Kai with half the enthusiasm Jisoo greets Lisa, and we dated. It's bullshit. "Listen, if you're dating other people, fine. Of course I get it. But don't fucking lie to me."
"I'm not dating anyone else. She has issues. Lots of issues, mostly because she has a shitty family."
So what, I'm supposed to feel sorry for her? My anger and frustration are mounting, and I'm really starting to hate this Jisoo. "You kiss her to make her feel better? Just like you kiss me when I get dizzy? Wow, you're a real hero."
I shouldn't be this angry. What the hell is wrong with me? We've only known each other a week and a half. But I'm not really angry about the fact that she might be dating other women. I'm angry because she might be lying about it, and refuses to tell me. Angrier at myself for being so upset. For wanting her even still.
Before I can prepare, she's in front of me, her warm fingers wrapping around mine. And if she pulls me close…I know…know…I'll sink into her. "She kissed me, and I pushed her away. I swear. I'd be happy to get the security footage from the castle."
I can feel myself melting. My strength wavering. One touch. That's all it takes.
"Very funny." I tear my hands away and step back. Thinking is impossible when she is near. Did she really stop the kiss? I stare into her blue eyes, trying to read the truth. A woman doesn't just kiss her, unless she thinks Lisa's interested…right? Ugh, this is so out of my experience. "She wants to have a relationship with you?"
She frowns, hesitating, and I have my answer even before she speaks. "Yes. But she has problems. I don't need that."
Her words hurt me like they shouldn't. I have problems too. Maybe not mental and emotional, but I definitely have issues. She wants something easy. Something…normal. I get it. Which is why I never wanted this to be serious. Never wanted to care.
My emotional wall is wavering. I can feel it growing weak. Dare I believe her? Do I even want to believe her? Believing her means letting that wall down again. It means becoming vulnerable because I know I can't stay detached.
"Okay," I whisper. "I believe you. Just…leave. Please."
It's a weak, pathetic command, at best. And she knows it.
"No."
I stiffen in surprise. "No?"
She pulls me into her body. Her clothes are cold, damp, but the heat between us is strong. And damn it all if I don't sink into her. My fingers curl into her jacket. I want her. That hasn't diminished. She shifts, drawing me closer. The area between my thighs throbs almost painfully. I sigh. My head tucks perfectly underneath her chin. It's almost as if…we were made for this. Dare I believe the girl? Does it matter? God, she smells good and I'm only here for another couple days.
Why not indulge? the breeze seems to whisper as it rattles the windows.
"Do you really want me to leave?" she asks, her hands pressed warmly to my back.
It's as if she's read my mind, knows my weakness. I tilt my head back and meet her gaze. My heart hammers so hard I know she can feel it. Maybe I'm stupid. Maybe I just don't care. Maybe I'm tired of fighting the attraction. When she lowers her head and molds her lips to mine. It's like coming back to life. I don't want to sleep with Kai. He's a friend, and as much as I try to tell myself otherwise, it would be awkward.
But Lisa…I want her like I want to live. Desperately. Completely. Her hands cup the sides of my face as her tongue sweeps into my mouth, a bold and demanding kiss that consumes me. My heart shatters into a million tiny pieces that flutter like butterflies inside my chest. I realize that I'm frantically clutching her sodden t-shirt, but I don't care. I want her. Even if she did lie. Even if she is dating other women. I want her.
She pulls back, and tosses aside her jacket. "Damn, but I didn't mean for this to happen."
I look into her eyes. "What?"
She doesn't respond, merely catches my lips in another devastating kiss. I'd thought my first time would be slow, sensual. But I'm tired of waiting. Tired of fighting this attraction. Neither of us want to go slow at the moment. I slide my hands up her chest and around her shoulders, clinging to her. Not an earthquake, a tsunami, not even Rosé walking into the apartment is going to stop me.
She lifts me into her arms, moving across the room. The moment I accept the fact that this is going to happen, is the moment my rational mind retreats and instinct takes over. Her hands cup my ass and she sets me upon the kitchen counter. Desperate, I grab the hem of her shirt. She pulls back just enough to allow me to tear the damp material from her chest. Dear lord, I was right…she is gorgeous.
Then she's back, pressing her body into mine, holding me captive on the counter. I part my thighs, wrapping my legs around her lean hips. No time to be virginal, nervous or timid. While she kisses me, I allow my hands to move down her chest, savoring the muscles.
She's amazing. I want to explore her body like an archaeologist explores a newly discovered civilization. Just call me Indiana Fucking Jones.
"God, I want you," I whisper against her mouth.
She growls in response.
I've never heard anything so erotic. Gone is the sweet, caring Lisa. Her tongue rubs against mine, the kiss deep and hot and completely demanding. I've never been kissed like this. The kind of kiss that makes you feel branded, wanted, needed. The kind of kiss that sends heated shivers through every cell of your body.
She presses closer, the length of her erection straining against me. Hard. So very hard. It's scary and intriguing all at once.
"I…I need to make it clear," I somehow manage to get out. "I'm not looking for a relationship."
She mumbles something in Danish I don't understand, but it sounds sexy as hell. Her fingers grip the hem of my shirt and it's suddenly jerked over my head. I'm not wearing a bra and for a brief moment I'm slightly embarrassed. Her heated gaze slowly travels my form. I don't have to wonder if she likes what she sees…I can tell by the way her body hardens, the way her eyes darken. The desire in her gaze makes me tremble.
When she cups my sensitive breasts in her warm hands I can't help but arch into her. I've experienced so much pain in my life that I grasp onto this pleasure with a greedy grip, desperate to make it last forever. She presses her lips to my neck. How does she know exactly where to kiss? When her tongue darts out and slides against my sensitive skin, I melt, my eyes rolling back in my head.
"Beautiful," she whispers.
I've been naked in front of a lot of people…nurses and doctors…but as a patient. With her I'm not a medical specimen. I'm a woman. A sexual being. Here, now, I'm not some little, pathetic creature to be pampered, looked at with pity. I'm someone to be pleasured and to please.
She lowers her head and presses her warm mouth to the top of my right breast. Even though I know where she's going, when her lips cover my nipple I gasp from surprise. Her tongue wraps around the hardened bud, before sucking it in between her teeth. Shivers, hot and cold, race up and down my body in a never-ending wave of delight. This, I realize, is what it's all about.
"Oh dear god," I mutter.
Desperate, I slide my fingers through her wet hair and grip the strands tightly. Probably too tightly, but she doesn't complain.
Her mouth moves back up my neck, and finally to my lips. I'm desperate to touch her. While she cups the sides of my face and kisses me, I reach for the button of her jeans, needing to feel her against my palm. The button pops open. The jeans ride low, hanging on her hips. I have just a moment to see the thin trail of hair that disappears under the waistband of her jeans before she scoops me up.
"Not here."
Her gaze has darkened into a deep, deep blue. I'm falling, sinking into her. I know this is right. This is who I'm supposed to be with. She is the one for me. For now. "Room on the left."
As she carries me into the bedroom, I nuzzle my face against her neck and lick the spot where I see her pulse beating. She groans. A shiver of anticipation races through me. Her scent swirls in the air, comforting and intoxicating. I'm dizzy, but this time it has nothing to do with my medication or my illness.
She lays me gently upon the bed, and reaches for my sweatpants. "Harry Potter fan?"
I flush. "They're comfortable."
She grins that lop-sided smile. "You're adorable."
Damn it all, why did I decide to dress down today, of all days? She pulls my sweats slowly down my legs. "No. Kittens are adorable."
She arches a brow. "Sexy then?"
"Better."
I'm lying on the bed in only my plain, white cotton underwear, wondering why I didn't wear my new black, lacey bra, but determined not to cover myself or be embarrassed. My fingers curl into the bedspread. I want her. Need her. But I'm so innocent I might as well be a nun. I'm starting to wonder if I should maybe mention my lack of experience when she reaches for her jeans and I'm lost.
I've imagined this…but imagination is nothing like the feel of a warm, muscled body covering you. Nothing like the feel of a heart beating against your chest. The mingling of heated breaths. The breakdown of barriers until you're left exposed and vulnerable in a way that leaves you raw.
Her limbs are long and muscled. There's a trail of hair that leads down, down, down… I don't hide my curiosity, like I'm an artist preparing to do a sculpture. My gaze travels over her muscled stomach, to her long, hard erection. Instead of feeling overwhelmed, seeing her naked makes me hot. Bothered. Almost desperate. She is mine. At least for this night. Mine.
My hands curl into the blanket. Blood roars through my veins. Despite my naiveté, despite my vulnerabilities, I want her. She closes my door and then she's here, leaning over the bed, moving over me like I'm prey.
"I…I don't…I'm not on the pill."
She nods. "I'll take care of it."
And I know she will. Good. Responsible. Caring Lisa.
Her biceps and forearms flex as she hovers over me. We don't touch but I can feel her heat. I try to take in everything at once, but it's moving too fast, making it difficult to savor the moment. Finally, her hard, warm body presses down on me and I almost sigh with satisfaction. Her erection, hot and heavy and silky, throbs against my lower belly. Naturally, my thighs spread wide, my legs wrapping around her. I cling to her, desperate to be as close as possible.
"Do you know when I wanted you?" she whispers, nuzzling the side of my face with hers. The day's growth of whiskers is completely and utterly erotic. Her tongue darts out, tracing the shell of my ear. I moan.
"I wanted you when you accosted me outside the castle for following you." I realize she's braced herself upon her elbows so she's not crushing me. "Fierce, unapologetic."
I laugh breathlessly. "You ran away."
"I was surprised. Besides, you were American and I figured I'd never see you again." Her lips press against mine, a whisper, a promise. "Thank God I was wrong."
And then we're kissing as the full weight of her body presses into me. And it's heaven on earth. Her knee nudges my thighs farther apart, her erection pressing to my core. I'm sleek and wet, and have been so ready for this for so long.
I squeeze my eyes shut, and lift my hips, rubbing my damp folds against her erection as our tongues duel. This woman is my addiction. My link to life. I don't want this to end…ever. I crave this pleasure, need her to feel again. Bring me back to life.
"Do you want me to slow down?" she asks, breathless.
God no.
She brushes the hair from my face, a gentle touch that pulls me from the hazy lust clouding my mind. "Jennie, do you want me to slow down?"
"No." I bite her shoulder. Not hard, just a little to punish her for even asking such a question. With a groan, she rocks against me. Her smooth erection slides between my folds, tempting and taunting. Never have I felt as sexy as she makes me feel here, now. My fingers dig into her broad shoulders. I want her inside me. Want to be as close to her as humanly possible.
As we rock, our mouths mold together in a devastating kiss. Branding. Connecting. Breathing in each other. It's pleasure and pain combined into one excruciating moment of delight. I know I could come without her even entering me. Just a touch. A kiss. Only a few moments more and my body will find that release for which it's been searching.
"Are you wet for me?" she whispers against my mouth. "Aching?"
A year ago her words would have embarrassed me, but as her hand travels down between us, brushing my stomach, my thigh, before sliding between my legs, I'm anything but embarrassed. And I sure as hell don't care that I am wet and aching and society says I should be feeling shy and virginal. I just want her to touch me. Please, dear god, let her touch me.
Her finger slips between my folds as her tongue wraps around mine. When she presses into me, I nearly cry out in relief. Yes. Yes! This is what I want. I lift my hips in a desperate attempt to take her deeper. But she pulls her finger out, teasing me, then thrusts back inside. It feels as if I'm standing on the beach in the sunlight.
I whimper, my nails biting into her back. I'd gotten this far with Kai…before we'd stopped dating. But when Kai touched me it had never felt like this. I'd been curious, and a tiny bit afraid, not sure what I wanted. With Lisa, I know exactly what I need. There is no fear. Only desire.
She pulls back, her breath harsh and hot against my lips. "You're so ready."
"Yes," I manage.
Yes, yes, a thousand times yes!
She's off the bed and pulling a condom from the pocket of her jeans, and before I have time to truly think about what's happening, she's back, her heavy, hot body stretching out atop me.
"How can this feel so right when we just met?" she says.
Her words hit me hard, tearing down the few remaining bricks of my wall. I'm not the only one who feels this connection. Her knee nudges between my thighs, spreading my legs. I wrap my arms around her neck, trusting her completely.
How can this feel so natural, so good? How can she feel like mine when I just met her? As if sensing the way of my thoughts, she grasps my right hand and brings it forward, pressing a kiss to my palm. It's the most romantic thing anyone has ever done. I can no longer control my emotions. A rush of feeling bursts through me all at once, leaving me shaky and confused. It's just sex, I tell myself. It's supposed to be just sex.
I feel the tip of her erection enter me. A moment of extreme clarity washes away every other feeling. Shit, this is really happening. I search her gaze, looking for something, anything. A fine sheen of sweat covers her forehead. Her eyes have darkened, her jaw clenched tight. And then I see it…a softness underneath the desire, a sense of familiarity when I shouldn't know her at all.
In this moment, it's not just sex. Maybe it never was. The unease fades. My uncertainty vanishes. There's a connection between us that scares me. That makes me uneasy. A connection I can't explain. But it's there. It always has been.
There is no subterfuge, no lying with this woman. She's honest. Clear. Compassionate. I have the oddest feeling that this is supposed to happen. That I'm supposed to be here, in her arms. That the quiet, uncertain longing I've had for years, has been for her. She lowers her head, pressing her lips to mine. It's a soft, gentle kiss. She is mine. I am hers.
I want her. All of her. Desperate, I tilt my hips up, rocking into her and taking her cock deeper. With a groan, she surges forward. The pain that rips through me is shocking, although expected. She enters me fully, the hard length of her stretching my tight passage. I have just enough time to catch my breath and adjust, when she pulls out slightly, then surges back in. Deeper. I gasp, partly from pleasure, mostly from pain. I knew it would hurt. But damn.
Deeply inside of me, she pauses. I grit my teeth, my nails biting into her back as I try to lay still. Barely breathe. It's not pleasant. She feels way too large. Why am I doing this again? Shit, has everyone lied about how great it is? Maybe there's something wrong with me. Wrong with her. Maybe we're not doing it right. I shift in unease, concerned. Suddenly, she feels too heavy. Her weight isn't comforting anymore, but confining.
"You alright?" she whispers, pressing her lips to mine.
I can see the concern in her gaze and it warms me, making the pain almost bearable. Do I want to stop? I don't want to stop. Not yet. There has to be more. There is more, right? Why would women keep doing this if there wasn't more? Maybe it's like climbing Mount Everest, it sucks on the way up, but once you reach the top…
"Jennie?"
"Yeah," I say, breathless.
She rests her forehead to mine. "Jylland," she whispers. "You feel so damn good."
Wish I could say the same, buddy.
She lowers her head and kisses me again, her tongue thrusting between my lips. It's a languid, thorough stroke that makes me forget my pain. Something sweet and delicious coils low in my belly. I slide my hands up the back of her neck, my fingers entwining with the thick, cool strands of her hair. As my body melts, the pain eases and I remember why I'm doing this in the first place.
She cups my breasts, her thumbs rubbing the hardened peaks of my nipples. Shivers of delight tip-toe down my spine. Unable to help myself, I arch my back. She shifts ever so slightly, but it's enough to take her deeper. A moan escapes my lips.
"The pain will stop," she says softly against my mouth.
But as she kisses my neck, and her hands skim my body, I wonder…what pain? I rock again, reaching for the sensation that lingers in the background…waiting. With a growl, Lisa pulls out and thrusts back into me. I gasp, my fingers clawing at her back, trying to bring her closer. This time the pain is almost a vague memory. Something shoved to the back of my mind to make room for the intense bliss I experience.
"You're going to kill me," she murmurs.
She kisses me deeply, exploring, as her velvet tongue rubs against mine, as her hips rock slowly against me. It's a steady pulsing rhythm that seems to mirror the beat of my heart. My fingers travel down her back to grip her hard ass. The pleasure is torture. But a torture I welcome. I try to memorize every detail, knowing I will go over this moment again and again in the years to come. The warm, manly scent of her body as it clings to me. The friction of her hard erection sliding into my soft flesh.
I wrap my legs around her, clinging to her. My body grows flushed. Her hand shifts, sliding between us. Her touch is like magic, and when her thumb presses against my clit I practically scream into her mouth. Wave after wave of pleasure rings through every cell of my being. I'm open and vulnerable and completely at her mercy, and it's the most beautiful thing I've ever experienced.
"Good god," I gasp, my fingernails biting into her lower back as I pulse around her.
She groans against my mouth.
For one long moment I'm blissfully unaware of anything but my own pleasure. All too soon the feelings fade and I'm left in a state of suspended euphoria. That one orgasm isn't enough. Somehow, instinctively, I know there's more and I've become like an addict, desperate for my next fix.
I shift underneath her, urging Lisa to move, to work her magic again. Restlessness eats at me. The pain is barely noticeable, but that aching need is back and it's a bitch. My body is demanding satisfaction after what it's had to endure the last few years.
"Lisa," I murmur, pressing my lips to her chin, lower to her neck where a pulse beats strong and sure. "Please."
After tonight I might not ever see her again, but in this moment in time, I'm closer to this woman than I've ever been to anyone my entire life. She knows things about me, sees things that no one else ever has. The realization makes me feel oddly vulnerable, and strangely excited.
She cups the sides of my face. Our breathing is choppy and harsh, mingling together, connected. We are one. It should feel strange, it doesn't. She presses a quick, hard kiss to my lips, then surges into me. We rock together, moving in a rhythm that is all our own. As she thrusts into me, something stirs deep within. An awakening I can't ignore.
"I want to feel you come around me again," she demands.
It should scare me how much I want her, it doesn't. The determination upon her face thrills and intrigues me, as much as it makes me nervous. In this moment, I truly believe that by her command alone she could make me come again. That she could do anything. I rock up against her, meeting her thrust for thrust. The more she moves, the more I move.
We are connected…everywhere. I have no control. Yet, for the first time in years, I enjoy it. I enjoy the complete freedom of letting her take over. Letting her show me the truth of what life can be like. No pain. No worry. Only pleasure. Complete pleasure.
"Do you know how many nights I've dreamt of this?"
Her words make me hot. Our skin is sleek with sweat, our hearts thundering. I know I'm clawing at her back like I've gone insane, but I can't stop myself. A weak whimper seeps from my lips. I can do nothing but give myself over to my desires. To her.
"So many times I've had to stop myself from touching you, kissing you, taking you fully."
The pressure builds, so intense I can barely take it. "Please, Lisa. Now."
She thrusts into me with a growl. I wanted this to last, but as she surges into me again and again, I know I can't stop what is about to happen. Don't want to stop. The pressure explodes and a flood of pleasure washes over me. Vaguely, I'm aware of a moan slipping from between her lips, the steely heat of her as she surges one last time into my body.
I'm flying. Free. Yet, I still feel Lisa's hard form anchoring me to reality. Hell, is this what an out of body experience is like? Euphoria. Pure bliss. Heaven.
All too soon I float back, a pleasurable buzz remaining. As I settle into my body my sex is still throbbing. Lisa takes in a deep, trembling breath, trying to regain control, but even the slight movement of her breathing is too much and I moan. She lowers her head and captures my lips. It's a long, slow, devastating kiss. Instinctively, I lift my hips, but she's the one who pulls back.
"Not so soon. Give me a moment." She rolls off me and sits on the edge of the bed. I feel rather like gloating as I realize I'm full of energy while she's depleted. She murmurs something in Danish. Is she cursing? With trembling hands she rakes back her hair. Did it feel just as amazing for her? Did it feel as if the earth has shifted? Her entire world changed?
With a bemused grin, I stare up at the ceiling. So, this is what sex is all about. Talk about living in the moment. There's no better way to focus on the here and now. I've thought of nothing since her lips touched mine. I want more. I could get addicted to this. Addicted to feeling alive. Feeling attached to someone, something. My smile falls.
I could get addicted to her.
And that scares me more than I want to admit.
..
..
..
It's been an hour since we had sex. Lisa is still here, still in my bed and as we cuddle…cuddle, for fuck's sake….I'm wondering if she's going to leave anytime soon. It's not that I don't want her here. I want her. It's just that the longer she stays, the less this feels like a one-night stand sort of thing. It's making me nervous, uneasy.
We've already taken a shower in the tiny stall. Another first for me…bathing with someone. We spent more time bumping into each other and laughing, than doing anything sexy. We'd finally had enough and stumbled out of the bathroom to make out on the couch, before ending up back in my bedroom.
"So," she says, her hand running down my back, soothing and warm.
It's at least midnight. I'm not sure of the time, and it doesn't really seem to matter to her. I should be exhausted, but I feel more awake than I have in years. And most of the time I've spent staring at the wall wondering how long she's planning to stay.
She presses up behind me, the full, hard length of her body comforting and erotic all at once, which annoys me. Really annoys me. I don't want to need her. I don't want to crave her. I thought we'd have sex, I'd lose my virginity, and our attraction would be spent. Out of our systems. Yet, I can't deny that as she presses a kiss to my bare shoulder, a shiver of awareness races over me, awakening that ache between my thighs.
"You were a virgin?" she says. "Should we talk about that?"
"Oh god," I whisper, rolling to my stomach and pressing my face into my pillow. Why do Scandinavian people have to be so open about sex? Does nothing embarrass them? "Was I that bad?"
She laughs, a deep rumble I can feel in her chest. "No. Absolutely not. But you know… I just want to make sure you're okay."
Why did she have to notice? I hide my face again. Who knew it would be this embarrassing? "Yes, I'm okay."
She rolls me over, forcing me to confront the situation and meet her gaze. I'm not used to such intimacy. I feel awkward and intrigued all at once. Her hair is mussed, the ends curled from the shower, or maybe from my fingers. When Lisa is dressed like a model she's hot, but this Lisa, a woman who is scruffy and naked, is downright sexy.
"You should've told me."
"Why? So you could have bought me a cake? We could have celebrated?" I definitely do not like where this conversation is going. I trail my fingers down her chest, lower… I don't miss the way she sucks in a sharp breath. The way her cock jumps to attention, pressing against my thighs. "If I'd told you, then you might have left."
"No…" She frowns, grabbing my hand right before I reach her. I'm trying to change the subject and she knows it. "Maybe."
Of course she feels guilty. I finally meet her gaze. "Hey, it was my choice."
She sighs and leans down to kiss me. "Alright. I can't argue with that."
I don't want to have some embarrassing conversation about my virginity. There are more important things to focus on. Like her. As we kiss, I can feel her erection lengthening against my thighs.
Her hands move over me. Hell, I would sell my soul if she promised to keep touching me. She has magic fingers. A caress that sends my senses spinning. I can't imagine ever getting tired of her touch. But it's too soon to have sex again…isn't it? I should have researched better, asked questions, bought a book.
She pulls away, her breath as harsh as mine. A lock of hair has fallen across her forehead, and I give into temptation and brush it back, my fingertips lingering on her cheekbone. She's braced atop her left elbow, as her right hand slowly trails up my thigh. She's going to touch me now. There. I try not to stiffen up as I wonder if I'll be sore.
But she's not looking at me, and doesn't notice my reluctance. Her gaze is following her hand as it travels farther, and farther. When her fingers brush the light nest of hair shielding me, I have to bite my lower lip to keep from gasping with excitement.
She meets my gaze. I want to hate her for teasing, but I can't hate her. Not ever. Slowly, she lowers her mouth to mine. As her tongue thrusts between my lips, her finger slides between my folds and enters my body. I groan against her mouth, mostly in pleasure, only slightly in pain.
She's good. Too good. She knows exactly how to touch a woman, while I feel like a complete novice. Needing to anchor myself, I slide my hands up her chest and around her neck. It's only one night, right? I might as well enjoy it.
Her tongue wraps around mine, and any lingering pain fades. Forgotten. She kisses me with a gentleness that makes my chest feel tight. That aching need flares. My body remembers. Remembers every caress, every thrust, every movement. She's awoken something inside of me that has been dormant, waiting, and it won't be satisfied. How can she do so much with only one kiss?
"You feel so damn good," she growls in that lovely, sophisticated accent.
I want to touch her too. Want to wrap my fingers around her velvety, steel cock. To explore and caress until she's moaning, begging. I want to be in control of her, like she controls me. Before I can reach for her, she pulls away, and starts to travel down my body.
Her lips press to the valley between my breasts. Lower to my belly. She's trailing kisses down…down…and I know where she's going. I might have been a virgin, but I'm not an idiot. I stiffen, unsure how to react. Do I want her to do this? But I want to know…I want to understand what it's like…no regrets.
She parts my thighs with her hands. I take in a deep breath and force myself to relax. I want this. I want to experience it all. Okay, maybe not everything. Her warm breath brushes against my thighs right before she slides her tongue through my folds. I gasp more from surprise than pleasure.
She licks once, twice. Just when I'm wondering why people like this oral sex thing, she brushes her tongue against my clit. A shock of pleasure bursts through me. I groan, arching my back. Oh god, she knows what she's doing. She knows. I grip the sheets, staring hard at the ceiling as she screws me with her tongue. I'm not sure how I feel. It's strange, and way too intimate, and…hell, I'm going to come again.
"That feels good, so good," I mutter.
The area between my thighs tightens, throbbing. I bend my knees, my toes digging into the mattress. My entire body is flushed hot, burning from the inside out. As she cups my ass and lifts me toward her mouth, I'm panting like I've just run a marathon. Her tongue presses farther into me. In, out, sweeping across that sensitive spot.
A jolt of pleasure explodes, bursting into wave after wave of pure orgasmic bliss. Even as I'm floating back to earth I realize that this orgasm is different. Not deep within, but more on the surface. How very strange. Sated and drugged with pleasure, I stare stupidly up at the ceiling. Who knew there were different kinds of orgasms?
Lisa crawls up me and presses her lips to mine, a quick kiss that tastes like sex. I'm trembling and spent and feeling better than I've ever felt before. I'm going to sleep so very well tonight…when she leaves. I slide her a glance. When is she going to leave?
"Did you enjoy it?" she asks with a grin.
"Don't beg for compliments."
But I'm grinning too. She knows very well I enjoyed it. Sex is pretty amazing with her who knows what she's doing, who cares about pleasing her partner as much as herself. I wonder why I've waited this long. But then I realize why…because with any other person, in any other situation, it wouldn't have felt this wonderful, this free.
I'm older now. I'm more mature. More sure of myself. If I'd done this with Kai I would have been naïve. Wandering, fumbling hands. Two people too young and inexperienced for sex.
Lisa leans closer, her lips brushing my neck. "There's more. So much more."
Her words send a thrill of delight shivering through me. Even as I'm tempted to ask what kind of more…I realize more means more than a one-night stand. More means I'll have to see her again. We'll have to sleep together again.
Her hand slides down my waist, tickling the sensitive skin. I jerk, gasping. She pauses, a grin on her face. "You're ticklish?"
"Don't," I warn.
Of course she ignores me, and straddles my hips, her fingers tickling my sides. I laugh, wiggling underneath her, desperate to escape. And even as I'm trying to escape her touch, my hips are lifting, pressing against her growing erection. "Stop!"
She leans down and her hot mouth is on mine. Then lower, to my neck. I groan, closing my eyes. Lower still…she presses her mouth to my right breast, and then my left. That aching heat is working its way through my body, pooling in the pit of my stomach. I'm into this. Totally into this. Yes, I could so have another orgasm. Then, suddenly…she stops.
"What's this?"
Startled, I open my eyes. Her gaze is focused on the area below my collarbone. Her thumb brushes the port scar where my chemo was pumped. Frantic, I push her hand away. "Stupid accident. Nothing. Lisa…I think we should wait. I mean we just…"
"Okay." She flashes me her brilliant smile. Before I can prepare, she presses her lips to my scar then rolls off the bed. "Any food in the refrigerator?"
Relieved, I release the breath I didn't realize I was holding. Thank god she doesn't push things or pry much. "Leftover Chinese."
She pulls on her jeans, leaving them hanging low on her hips. I can't help but devour her abs. "Delicious. Want some?"
Content, I snuggle into the covers, watching her dress. She holds no embarrassment over her body and she shouldn't. She's stunning. "Sure."
She pulls the t-shirt over her head. It's still damp and clings to her broad shoulders. "Hey, how would you feel about going to an event dinner with me tomorrow night? For charity."
A million thoughts race through my mind. What kind of dinner? What charity? Why me? I shrug, feeling uncertain and confused. Do I have anything to wear? This isn't feeling like a one-night stand. Yet, as I mentally form the words of rejection, I'm surprised when I agree. "I guess. Sure."
With a grin, she leans down and kisses me. "Good. Will make it more bearable with you by my side."
She moves to the door only to pause. "Oh, and my dad will be there."
Before I can respond, she's gone. I bolt upright, clutching the blanket to my chest. Her dad? I hear her rustling around in the refrigerator. I'm going to meet her dad? Her freaking dad? With a groan, I fall back onto the bed.
Simple. We were supposed to keep things simple.
But everything just got way, way complicated.
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