Lincoln "Two Thumbs" Loud had two great loves in this world. One of them was shoving his face with breads, pastries, rolls, and other yeasty things. The other was video games.
We'll get to that second one in a second, y'all, but first I wanna talk about the first one for a second. Lincoln was eleven and it's really not out of the ordinary for an eleven year old kid to like sweet stuff. Cakes, cookies, doughnuts, that kind of thing. Give most kids a choice between a hearty pot roast dinner and a serving bowl full of Skittles, Oreos, and cupcakes, and he or she (or xir or zyam, since we're just making up pronouns at this point) will go for the serving bowl every time. Having a sweet tooth is healthy and natural, but kids take it to the extreme. Of course, when you're a kid, ice cream, soda, and candy tastes better than it does when you're an adult. As a kid, most things are better.
The strange part isn't that Lincoln liked dessert food (even though some liberals claim that liking sweets too much makes you gay). The strange part is how much he liked bread. All kinds of bread. Rye. Pumpernickel. Italian. French. Soda. He was worse than a fucking duck. Whenever he and his overly large family crash landed at the local grocery store, Lincoln would make a B-line for the bakery department, drawn by the good smells of bread like a cartoon character being pulled along by a ghostly hand made of aromatic air. He would go from display to display, breathing deeply through his nose and salivating down the front of his shirt. If he had a few bucks in his pocket, he'd buy a loaf of something and clutch it to his chest so none of his sisters took it away from him. They likely wouldn't since they were normal people and not confirmed bread fiends like him, but better safe than sorry, right? He'd walk around the store with his new precious like his name was Smegal, then when he got to the van, he would unwrap it with trembling fingers and gnaw on it until it was gone. It never lasted long. He had no self control.
Mom told him he was going to start gaining weight if he kept pounding entire loafs of bread in a single sitting, but, okay a few things. First, he didn't really care. What was that supposed to be, some terrifying threat? Oh, you're gonna gain weight? So? He didn't want to walk about like an overgrown meatball, but if he packed on a little extra, say la vee, that's the way it goes. Lincoln didn't fear being fat, had nothing against fat people, and, in fact, thought he could maybe use a few extra pounds. Second, he doubted that. He ate well, drank calorie packed sodas, and didn't get all that much exercise, and his figure was just as selvete as always. He had an epic metabolism and could probably eat bread all day and still be fine. Third…well, he had a third point, but then he passed a loaf of Wonder Bread and forgot all about it.
As big a fan of bread as Lincoln was, he liked video games just as much, if not more.
Lincoln could not remember his first video game, or indeed when he even became aware that video games even existed. They had been a part of his life and his being for so long that trying to go back and retrace those roots would be futile. He recalled that his father once owned an original Playstation and could remember playing it, but those memories were hazy and so far back that he couldn't fully trust any of them. He had better, clearer, memories of the Nintendo 64 his parents bought at a yard sale when he was six. It came with a dozen games and while his older sisters complained about it being "old" and "lame" and "Can we have an XBox One?" Lincoln was blown away by the bright, vivid graphics. Mario 64 was the first game he remembered loving and staying up all night to play. To this very day, almost six years later (not very long in the grand scheme of things, really) he could close his eyes and see every level opening up before him. He used used to play it so much that as he was falling asleep at night, he could hear "Whaoo" and "It's-a me, Mario" ringing through his head. Another favorite was 007 GoldenEye, one of the best and most groundbreaking first person shooters ever made. It came after Doom, but not long after, so it was, in his opinion, also one of the first. Without GoldenEye, there would be no Call of Duty or Medal of Honor. He had played it a few times recently online and was shocked to find that even though he was used to PS5 level gameplay, it still held up. That was the hallmark of a good game. If you could play it twenty-five or even thirty years later and still have a blast, it was a classic.
If you forced him to chart a timeline of his love affair with gaming, he would say that it started with the N64. He was hooked. Obsessed. Could think about nothing else, wanted nothing else, hell, did nothing else. From that point on, any money he had that didn't go toward his bread addiction went toward gaming. He bought a used Sega Dreamcast when he was eight, then a year later, got an Atari 2600 from a junk shop downtown. It didn't work, so he learned how to fix it and restored it to its former glory. He still had it, along with a couple dozen games, tucked away in a box under his bed.
Around this time, while looking up gaming content on YouTube, he came across the Angry Video Game Nerd, which even now remained one of his favorite series. He watched every video the moment it was uploaded and loved each one. A lot of fans complained that it wasn't as good as it used to be and while he could see where they were coming from, he still laughed out loud at least once or twice per episode, so it was all good.
Buying retro game consoles and the games that made them famous was a very expensive and frustrating endeavor, so Lincoln opted to use online emulators. That, combined with Steam, opened up vast vistas of gaming to the scrawny, white-haired youth. He played games from every console and every generation. Pong. Pac-Man. Super Mario Bros. Sonic the Hedgehog. Grand Theft Auto III. Halo. Devil May Cry. Kingdom Hearts. Mafia III. Grand Theft Auto V. Half Life. Mass Effect. A thousand others. He really liked RPG and open world games. The GTA series was an enduring favorite, especially San Andreas. Nothing beat driving a Sanchez through Back o Beyond at night looking for Bigfoot and ghost cars. Except maybe gangbanging in Los Santos. One of Lincoln's favorite things to do was cruise for drug dealers and rival gang members, then to pull drive-bys on them while bumping "I Don't Give a Fuck" by Tupac. Take that, Balla bitch.
As much as he loved new games, he also loved the classics. The original arcade version of Pac-Man was legendary, and the godawful Atari port was a thing of dark beauty the likes of which he had never seen, except maybe ET, the game so bad it almost killed the gaming industry back in '82.
When not playing games, he would kick back with one of the many gaming magazines he subscribed to - or one of the books on gaming history that he had picked up - and read for hours while munching on bread. He knew everything there was to know about upcoming games, conventions, merchandise, and everything else gaming related. He was also good at gaming, since he'd obviously been doing it forever. He could beat a game in only a couple sittings, which, come to think of it, often worked against him. It kinda sucked buying a game for fifty bucks only to be done with it two or three days later. One of the reasons he liked the GTA series so much is because there were tons of side missions to do once the story was over, so those games kept him busy for a while. Other games had side quests too, and Lincoln liked those as well. Anything to keep him immersed and busy for a while.
Back to video game conventions for a second. Very rarely did any occur within striking distance of Royal Woods, but if and when they did, he was automatically there. Last year, there was one in Great Lakes City. He saved every dime he made, found, and yes, stole, for six months and went with Clyde and his dads. He got to meet voice actors, video game designers, and loads of other fans. He dressed up as Mario and Clyde dressed up as Luigi - he wanted to dress as Link, but Clyde was against the idea of dressing like Zelda. For a man who had two gay fathers, he was really uncomfortable with cross dressing. You'd think he'd be more open minded.
Why didn't Lincoln just agree to dress like Zelda instead?
Because fuck that gay shit lol.
Nah, it wasn't like that. He liked The Legend of Zelda but not enough to walk around a packed convention hall for six hours dressed like a character from it. Mario was the better franchise hands down. Even with that terrible Bob Hoskins movie from the early nineties. Oh, you didn't know there was a Super Mario Bros movie from the early nineties? Consider yourself lucky, it was garbage.
Anyway, he had a blast at that convention and had been greatly anticipating going to more. None ever strayed close enough for him to attend, though. His family got by but his parents weren't rich, so it's not like he could travel very far or anything. He wanted to go to E3 one year, but that was probably a total pipe dream.
Outside of Clyde and a few random people at school who also loved video gaming, no one really got why he loved them so much. His mother and father kind of rolled their eyes at him and his sisters made fun of him. Lincoln thought, in the back of his mind, that everyone his age at least kind of liked video games, but he was wrong. Some of his sisters outright hated them. Lynn, for instance, thought that video games were for nerds, and said that sitting in front of a TV and playing "Tiddily-winks" was gay. Literally, she said it was "gay." Wow, what a fucking homophone, right? Lincoln could understand not being a huge video game fangirl like him, but to not like them outright? As a kid in the year 2022? That didn't compute. Maybe she just hadn't played the right game?
Since Lincoln loved having people to play games with, he decided to try and get Lynn interested in the Wide World of Gaming by picking up a bunch of sports themed games and showing her how great they were. Look, Lynn, in this one you get to tackle people so hard their helmets fly off and they have to be carried from the field by stretcher. Isn't that cool? Huh? Huh? Isn't it? Isn't it cool, Lynn?
Nope. It was not. Lynn thought sports games were just as dumb as any other game. She said that if she wanted to play football, she'd just go outside and play football.
Wtf?
Who does that?
Alright, so Lynn was out, but that was okay, he had, like, thirty other sisters to choose from? He tried to get Luna to play Guitar Hero with him, but she, like Lynn, thought the digital imitation of her main passion was lame. "If I wanna shred, bro, I'll just shred. This -" here she held up the plastic Guitar Hero brand guitar " - this is just sad." She tossed it over her shoulder and walked away with her chin in the air like she was too good for Guitar Hero.
"Yeah?" Lincoln cried, wounded. "Well, you're sad."
"I'm perfectly happy, bro," Luna replied with uncharacteristic coldness, "you're the one who's shut up in your room alone all the time playing video games." She threw up air quotes on the last two words and took on a nasty inflection, like video games were the lamest thing in the world.
He was so mad that he called Mick Swagger a limey cum dumpster for "better musicians", and Luna punched him. It didn't hurt much - living in the house of Loud, he had learned to take a punch - but it surprised him. The only time Luna ever did that was when someone insulted Nirvana.
Following his ass kicking at the hands of Luna "Lame" Loud, Lincoln stopped trying to get his sisters into gaming. Fuck 'em, they didn't have any taste anyway. They'd probably play an LJN game and think it was the greatest thing ever. LOL stupid idiots. LJN sucked. The AVGN said so and if you disagree with him, your gaming opinions are garbage and you should really reevaluate what you're doing with your life. Lincoln liked the idea of having a house full of ready made player twos, but the only thing his house was full of was a bunch of skanks who didn't know an awesome thing when they saw it. If he really wanted to play video games with someone, he had a whole butt load of friends. Like Liam. And Clyde. And Zach. And Rusty and Rocky. If he got really desperate, he'd even invite Poppa Wheelie over, but he'd have to be really hard up since keeping Poppa's fat ass out of the fridge was a full time job.
If his sisters couldn't be bothered to game a little, fine, let them suck. They couldn't blame him when they grew up into warped people who one day realize that they aren't a normal and well rounded human being because they never went on a killing spree through the streets of Vice City with a six star wanted level and Michael Jackson blaring on the radio. Hey, he tried to introduce them to the world of Fable and CoD but they didn't want to listen. That was on them, not him.
You know what they say about how you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. Even if they agreed to play with him, and even if they liked it, they'd probably suck balls. Can you imagine Luan trying to follow the damn train? She'd probably crash into everything in her way like the big dumb clown she was. And Lori…Lori couldn't DDR to save her life. She had two left feet and sometimes tripped herself up just walking. Pfft, what losers. Shut up in my room alone. Maybe that's because I can actually stand to be by myself sometimes. I don't have to constantly be distracted by external stimuli. I don't need people and activity to forget that I suck at playing music and that my YouTube channel only has ten views, five of them from Mom and Dad.
As for what Lynn said about him being lazy, she was the one with a problem, not him;. He understood being energetic but this girl would literally run around in circles in the backyard. That was normal? That was healthy? Lincoln didn't think it was and he was pretty sure that most people would agree with him. Playing video games, on the other hand, was perfectly normal. Lots of people did it, and not just the hardcore Doritos-and-Mountain-Dew types who lived in their moms' basements. Plenty of normal people who had normal lives and normal interests liked to kick back with a good game every now and then.
You know what it was? Lynn and the others lacked both intelligence and imagination, two vital components for enjoying video games. Lisa had intelligence in spades, but she was too clinical. She wouldn't see a city street or a field of flowers or whatever else the game designers put on screen. She'd see code, ones and zeros in different combinations. Lana had a huge imagination but she was sort of an airhead. Not dumb, exactly, just…not really intelligent. She'd fail at everything she tried, then, knowing her, get really frustrated and rage quit. Lincoln did that all the time, throwing his controller across the room and screaming himself hoarse. If it happened to him, it was almost a given that it would happen to Lana.
Of all the sisters that he hadn't actively tried to get interested in his passions, those were probably the two that he least expected to actually enjoy it.
It was to his unending shock, then, when they turned out to be the only ones who enjoyed it.
It happened on an unseasonably warm day in the middle of May. It was so hot inside that Dad broke out the box fans, one for each one. Lincoln was too busy trying to beat a stage in Nazi Zombies vs Drag Queen Vampires to go collect his, and because of his neglect, the room quickly turned into an oven. Sweat poured from him in warm, slimy rivulets, and soon, his shirt was damp around the collar and underarms. He ignored it the best he could and resolved to power through, but before long, his ass and balls started to sweat too. He ignored it still, but just as he was about to win, a bead of sweat stung his eye and spoiled his concentration. The boss he was fighting dealt him a fatal blow, and his onscreen avatar fell to the ground with a mocking little spin. FAIL flashed across the screen in damning red letters, and Lincoln lost it. Letting loose a throat ripping roar, he jumped to his feet and spiked his controller against the floor. "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!" He reared back his leg to kick the GameStation6000 to bits, but his mother's voice drifted up from the kitchen and stopped him. "Watch your language!"
Lincoln caught himself and took a deep breath. It was probably for the best; if he broke his console, he'd feel a savage rush of satisfaction in the moment, but bitter regret afterward. He swiped the back of his hand across his slick forehead.
Maybe he should take a break and grab that fan.
He looked at his controller and winced. Hopefully it wasn't broken. Stooping down, he picked it up and tried it out. Whew, it still worked. Heh, I lost my temper there, didn't I? I gotta be more careful. I don't wanna have to buy another one of these; if I have to waste my money on controllers, I won't have any left over to buy video games.
Setting the controller carefully down on the bed as though it were made of glass, Lincoln left the room and went downstairs.
No sooner than he had gone then Lisa and Lana appeared at the door. They were working on a joint project together - trying to create a new kind of car engine that ran on ketchup - and they needed Lincoln's help carrying an engine block they had rescued from the junkyard up from the driveway. They had just gotten back from pulling it across down in a red Radio Flyer wagon and were both hot and sweaty. When they saw that Lincoln wasn't in, they decided to sit on his bed and wait for him. "I surmise that he shall return soon, as he left his video game paused without turning the television set off," Lisa said.
If Lincoln was going to be away for an extended period of time, he would turn the game off, or at least pause and turn the TV itself off. That he left both the game and the TV on suggested that wherever he was, he wouldn't be there long. "He probably went to take a leak," Lana said. She reached under the bed, fumbled around, and found a cooler. She pulled it out, opened it, and found five Sam's Club sodas floating in melted ice water. When he wasn't pissing his money away on antique SNES carts and hamburger buns, he pissed it away on soda, which he kept in stock in his room at all times. She took one out, handed it to Lisa, and then grabbed one for herself. They each cracked their can open and took a long, cold drink.
They expected Lincoln to be back quickly, but ten minutes later, they were still waiting, both sipping soda and staring at the pause menu. "Lincoln and his video games," Lisa remarked.
"Yeah," Lana said and belched, "I don't get it. I'm too ADHD to sit in front of a screen all day."
"I can do it," Lisa said, "but only for something worthwhile. Video games are a waste of time."
Lana agreed. Though, to be honest, there had to be something there. It's not like Lincoln was the only person on earth who liked video games. Lots of people did. In fact, Lana was willing to admit that most people liked video games, which put her and Lisa in the minority. She said so, and Lisa shrugged one shoulder. "I've never been known for adhering to the trends of my contemporaries. However, I do agree that there must be a reason for society's deep fascination with video games. I've never gotten it myself but I can't deny that they're popular." She pushed her glasses up her nose and picked up the controller, holding it like it was dirty. She turned it over in her hands and examined it from every angle.
"Let me see it," Lana said.
Lisa handed her the controller and Lana studied it. Buttons, joysticks, trigger buttons. Yep, this video game controller is made of video game controller. She gingerly pushed a button and the pause menu disappeared. A character in chain mail and holding a bazooka stood in a meadow overlooking a giant castle. Lisa and Lana both gaped at it, then exchanged a look. "It's on," Lana said.
"I have to admit," Lisa said, "the graphics are quite impressive. The rocket launcher is anachronistic, however, and triggers my OCD."
"I think it's cool," Lana breathed.
"Try to fire it," Lisa said.
Lana flicked her eyes from one button to another before finally pressing the one shaped like a square.
The character jumped.
She and Lisa flinched but nothing happened.
"Try another one," Lisa said.
Lana poked the circle button.
Onscreen, the character shouldered the bazooka and fired. Flames leapt from the barrel and a rocket screamed across the meadow with a high, ear piercing shriek. It slammed into the castle wall and exploded, shaking the world. The wall collapsed in a shower of stone, mortar, and smoke, and a chorus of terrified screams rose up. Lisa and Lana looked at each other.
Then tittered like Beavis and Butt-Head at a dirty joke.
"That was amazing," Lisa said, "let me try."
Lana gave her the controller, and Lisa methodically went through the buttons, acquainting herself with them and with the result of pressing each one. Just as she had finished, a woman dressed like a queen ran at her with a sword. "MY CASTLE!" the queen screamed.
Panicking, Lisa mashed the circle button. Her character brought up a shotgun and fired; the queen flew back and hit the ground with a breathless oof. Lana and Lisa both laughed heartily. "Did you see that, Lana?" Lisa asked. "I assassinated a monarch."
"mY cAsTlE!"
They howled laughter.
It wasn't so funny when a bunch of knights rushed out and killed their character with swords, lances, and chainsaws. Blood splattered the screen and Lisa and Lana both gaped in a mixture of exhilaration and horror. "Whoa," Lana breathed.
"That was quite unexpected," Lisa said. "The anachronisms are no longer triggering me. They're actually quite entertaining."
"My turn," Lana said.
Lisa handed her the controller and for the next twenty minutes, they took turns wreaking havoc in and near a medieval village. They laughed and joked and had a grand old time slaying dragons, maidens, knights, and wizards.
That was how Lincoln found them.
He came in from the hall carrying a box fan in both arms. He saw them and came to a skidding halt, his eyebrows knitting in confusion. "Uh…hey, guys. Can I help you?"
"This game is awesome," Lana said.
"What is it called?" Lisa asked.
They…liked the game? Holy shit, for real? If his hands weren't full of fan, he'd rub his eyes to make sure he was actually seeing what he thought he was seeing. He never in a million years thought he would see the day that one of his sisters actually liked video games. And this wasn't just one of his sisters, this was two, and the two he literally least expected to ever come around. "It's called Grand Theft Auto: Camelot."
"I killed the queen," Lisa said with a rush of pride.
"It was awesome," Lana gushed, "she shot her in the guts with a sawed off." She chuckled and shook her head fondly. "I've never seen anything so crazy in my life."
"Really?" Lincoln asked with a hint of disbelief. He carried the fan over to his desk and sat it down. "That's great. I figured you guys would like video games if you just gave them a chance."
"Yeah, we were really missing out," Lana admitted.
Lincoln put the fan in the window, turned it on, and stood in front of it, letting the not particularly cool breeze blow against his face. He let out a deep, satiated sigh and then went to sit between Lana and Lisa. For the next three hours, until Mom called up the stairs to say that dinner was ready, they took turns causing mayhem and doing side quests, Lincoln showing them what to do and how to do it. They weren't very good at first and made some epic fails that Lincoln couldn't help laughing at, but with his skill and knowledge, they quickly improved, and by the time they ended their session, they were full fledged noobs…which is a lot better than being "complete shit" which was the bottom of the gaming food chain as far as Lincoln and his friends were concerned. "You guys did good," he said as they made their way downstairs for dinner.
"That was a lot more enjoyable than I thought it would be," Lisa said. "I think I might like to do it again at some point."
"Sure," Lincoln said, "that'd be great. I can show you and Lana all my favorite games."
Lisa grinned. "If they're as good as this one, I look forward to it."
"Trust me," Lincoln said, "they are."
Lana and Lisa's grins said it all.
Jackpot.
Over the next week, Lincoln and his new favorite sisters held many gaming sessions, some of them stretching into the wee hours of the morning. He gradually introduced them to all the best games from every system and some of the worst too just so they had some perspective. They played Pong and Pitfall on the original Atari 2600, Mario on the NES, and GTA III on the PS2. They gorged themselves on video games, sometimes not leaving their spots for hours on end, and Lisa and Lana quickly grew to love gaming just as much as he did. Every morning before school, he'd wake fifteen to twenty minutes before his alarm was set to go off to a gentle rapping at the door. It would be Lisa and Lana looking for a quick fix before school. He would have to tear them away from the controller an hour later, and then again that night so he could go to bed. It was fun but it was also kind of draining.
See, after a long day surrounded by people and stimuli, Lincoln liked to unwind by playing video games…alone. Doing so afforded him time to recharge his batteries and to decompress. He didn't get that anymore because Lisa and Lana were on top of him the moment he came through the door, wanting to play. It was okay, though, because he had finally gotten what he had always wanted: Two live in player twos. On the bright side, he would never be forced to play alone ever again. He would always have at least one willing and ready sidekick ready and eager to plug in the second controller. That was comforting since there were a ton of two player games he wanted to really sit down and get into but had never had the chance to.
As annoying as Lana and Lisa being constantly stuck up his butt could be, it was also extremely gratifying to have them hanging on. Whenever they played, he made sure to leave his bedroom door open so that anyone passing by in the hall could see. One day, Luna appeared, walking toward the head of the stairs, and Lincoln flashed her a wicked grin. "Hey there, Lune, '' he said. "Check out my posse. Who's the friendless loser always shut up in their room now? Huh? Who is it, Luna?It's either you or me, and hint, it isn't me."
Luma favored him with pursed lips, then nodded slowly. "Congrats," she said.
"No need to be jealous, Lune," Lincoln said, taking great delight in playing with her, like a cat with a mouse. "I'm sure that one day, when you get as good a music as I am at games, you'll get a friend or two.
"There's a huge difference between creating something entirely on your own and consuming a product that someone else made, but okay."
Poor dumb Luna, she just didn't get it.
Maybe one day.
Maybe one day.
Two weeks after Lana and Lisa became video game fanatics, Lincoln picked up a new game at Walmart. In it, you play as a mailman. It was basically a GTA clone only instead of shooting people, you threw packages at their heads, and instead of a wanted level, your superiors came after you if you did something wrong. The first violation, a fellow mailman came after you. If you kept committing criminal acts, the postmaster general himself eventually showed up. You could drive any mail truck, stuff any mail slot, and even play a mini game where you went on vacation to Disneyland or to a Star Wars convention. It was called "Delivering Mail is Fun, I Don't See the Problem." Lincoln had been stoked about this game and waiting for it for months, so much so that he was standing in line at midnight when it finally dropped. He raced in the moment the doors opened, grabbed the first copy on the shelf, and paid eighty dollars to a sleepy eyed teenage girl behind the register. Shut up and take my money!
Lincoln wanted to play it that very night, but he was bushed, so as soon as he got home, he laid it on the nightstand, stripped to his skivvies, and hopped into bed. He clapped and the light on winked out.
Ah, I love the clapper.
Before drifting off, he shoved a hotdog bun into his mouth and swallowed. Belly full of bread, he slept, dreaming of all the mayhem he was going to cause in Delivering Mail is Fun.
The next day, after school, he brought a group of his friends over to play. Lana and Lisa wanted to play too, which was kind of annoying. C'mon, I'm with my friends here, the last thing I want is for my little sisters to be hanging around. That was a normal feeling for a boy his age, but also kind of dickish. His friends liked Lana enough, since she was a rough and tumble tomboy type, and while they didn't know Lisa very well - because Lisa was usually hidden away in her lab - Lisa was cool. If his friends didn't like it, oh well.
Lincoln fired up the ol' GameStation and they started to play. The very first mission of the game wound up being crazy hard for Lincoln. You had to deliver mail while a pack of rabid dogs chased you down. Lincoln tried and tried again, but they kept mauling him, whereupon his character became infected with rabies. Once that happened, the screen got blurry and you had one minute to cause chaos and infect other people before you foamed at the mouth and died. "This game is bullshit," Lincoln grated and handed the controller to Lana. "The very first mission. I fucking hate video games, I'm never buying another one in my life. They should make a skip mission function or something, fucking assholes. It's impossible."
Lana took the controller and proceeded to beat the mission in less than two minutes.
Lincoln was stunned.
"Wow," Liam said, "she sure showed you up, Linc."
His other friends laughed, and Lincoln flushed with embarrassment. "Beginner's luck," Lincoln said.
"I think you just stink," Rusty said.
"Shut up, ginger," Lincoln snapped.
Everyone laughed, presumably at Lincoln's sick burn, but Lincoln didn't find it funny. He was the video game master and being shown up by his little sister was a seriously bad look. He was just having an off day, he told himself, nothing wrong with that. When his turn came again, he'd do something so amazing, so unique that everyone would fall down on their knees and worship him as a freaking god.
Fifteen minutes later, his chance came. Lisa handed him the controller, and he got into a mail truck that stood waiting at the curb. He had seen a ramp a few miles back that would make an excellent jump. If he could pull it off, he'd have the others groveling at his feet and calling him sir in no time.
He located the jump, backed up, and hit the gas. "Watch this," he said.
Everyone huddled in close.
Lincoln pressed the mail truck to its top speed. It shook and jerked but stayed on course. Until the very last minute, that is, when disaster struck. Maybe he unintentionally moved the joystick with his clumsy thumb, maybe the game itself conspired against him (yeah, that was it), but right before he hit the jump, He hit the ramp with two tires instead of four. The truck rolled, flew through the air, and slammed into a tree. Lincoln's avatar flew through the windshield, hit the highway, and splattered like a blood filled balloon. PLASTERED flashed across the screen.
The others fucking lost it. Lincoln's face burned with shame and his shoulders hunched ever so slightly in a defensive posture. "Stop," he whined. "Stop laughing at me."
Lisa took the controller back and adjusted her glasses. "I'll do it for you, male sibling," she said.
Oh, this oughta be good. When she failed, everyone would start laughing at her instead and forget all about his massive screw up.
It didn't happen that way. Lisa hit the ramp perfectly and sailed through the air. When she landed, the game instantly awarded her a million dollars. BEST JUMP EVER! blared the text on the screen, and party music sounded. Everyone clapped, cheered, and slapped Lisa's back like he had done the most impressive thing ever. Lincoln's eyes narrowed to angry slits and he felt heat creeping up the back of his neck. His hands curled into fists and his nostrils flared, which was a surefire sign that he was starting to get angry. He crossed his arms tightly over his chest like a pissed off toddler and waited for someone to show concern for him, to ask him what was wrong.
No one did. They were too busy celebrating Lisa's sick jump.
For the next ten minutes, Lisa and Lana basked in the glory of their victories. Lincoln's friends lavished them with praise while heaping jokes, zingers, and one liners on him. He tried not to get too upset since none of them had done better than he had so they really didn't have any room to talk, but he couldn't help being ass blasted. For his entire life, video gaming had been his identity, it was who he was and what he was good at, so being shown up always stung. He was Lincoln "Level 10" Loud, the man with the plan…to beat every stage in ten minutes or less. It might seem dumb and petty to an outside observer, but gaming was his thing, his passion, his one claim to fame in this world. Everyone has their area of expertise, that one thing that they excel at. Lincoln's was video gaming.
You know what? He was being dumb, he decided. So what Lisa hit a jump that he couldn't, and so what Lana could pass a mission that he couldn't? It was really no big deal. Shit happens, as they say. This was just a minor, temporary, one time thing. Look, no matter how good you aren't, you can't always win and you can't always bat 100. Even the greatest musicians, sports stars, and actors have bad days. That's no impeachment of their talent, skill set, or dedication, it's just life. It is what it is.
Lincoln consoled himself with that fact and decided to give Lisa and Lana a pass. It wasn't their fault that he was off his game today. He also couldn't be mad at his friends for breaking his balls, that was a given with them. They messed with and made fun of each other all the time. That's just how they were and how they interacted. If they weren't busting one another's chops, they weren't keeping it real.
Taking a deep breath, Lincoln forced himself to calm down, and slowly, the stick withdrew from his ass and he got back into having fun.
It wouldn't last.
Over the next month, Lisa and Lana got good at gaming. I mean really good. They played with him every single minute of every single day and their skill level improved exponentially. They went from being trash, to being okay, to being good, to being amazing. As Lincoln stood aside and watched in horror, they got so good that they posed a real threat to him. His spot as King Shit of Game Mountain was suddenly in jeopardy. They played multiplayer online with Lincoln's friends, and Lisa and Lana repeatedly showed him up, making him look like a punk. He gritted his teeth and struggled to keep his composure, but the increased taunting from his friends made it hard to not pop off. He decided that Lisa and Lana's powers were getting too strong so he stopped playing with them, making up excuse after excuse. He wasn't feeling good, he had too much homework, etc. He hoped that by not playing as much, they'd get rusty and go back to sucking, that way he could save face in front of his friends.
It was too late for that, though. The guys were always picking on him about sucking and not being as good as his little sisters, so he came up with a plan to regain his lost, former glory. There was a video game tournament at the local GAMe PLACe. The winner would be declared King (or Queen) of the local game scene and be given a 250 dollar gift card.
Lincoln entered it.
Much to his chagrin, Lisa and Lana did as well.
When he found out that their names were on the list of participants, he went nuts. He pounded down Lisa's door and then stormed in, finding her and Lana playing a game on Lisa's computer. So they were playing video games behind his back now, huh? "You guys need to drop out of the tournament," he said. "This is my chance to look good and you're going to ruin it for me."
They were shocked by his outburst, to say the least, as they had no inkling that he was upset with them. They refused, however, and after a long and drawn out argument, they resolved to not only stay in, but to beat him as well.
"We'll see about that," Lincoln said.
"Yes we will," Lana shot back.
Lincoln glared at them, and they glared right back.
Stalking out, Lincoln went back to his room and hopped on his GameStation to practice.
Two weeks later, the big day arrived. The GAMe PLACe was packed with spectators and a bank of TVs and consoles dominated the middle of the room. Lincoln and the other contestants took their places and the owner of the store laid out the rules. With that, the tournament began. Lincoln was positioned far enough away from Lisa and Lana that he couldn't see what they were doing, but he could hear people cheering them on, more and more as time passed, so they had to be doing good. Lincoln tried to focus on his own screen, but he couldn't help worrying about them and how they were doing. He was flushed and hot all over and his heart slammed in his chest; he was a tightly wound ball of anxiety and he was trying his best to keep from choking at the last minute.
He cleared his mind and ignored everything and everyone else until the game in front of him became his world entire. The cheering drained away, the sunlight streaming through the window, even his own consciousness. The last stage of the game required him to navigate a dirt bike up a thin metal I-beam then execute a triple backflip off the top, landing on his wheels. He drove shakily up the I-beam, chest pounding, and went to hit the jump, but disaster struck again. His thumb jerked the joystick and he fell. The bike crashed to the ground and his character flew off. Lincoln's eyes bulged from their sockets and his grip tightened on the controller. Everyone started to laugh.
Lincoln's skull swelled with pressure and he lost it. "GODDAMN IT!" He jumped to his feet and slammed the controller to the floor. He spun on Lisa and Lana and took off, screaming and insulting them, blaming them for his loss. The place went silent as he spat curses and spittle at his sisters. He ended by saying, to everyone at large, "Fuck you, bunch of fucking faggots, I'm better than all of you motherfuckers."
He shoved past Clyde and Rusty with a high pitched, "Move, bitch," and left the store.
He cried all the way home.
Naturally, after his outburst, he was permanently banned from THe GamE PLACe. Lisa and Lana were sad and wore boo boo faces around the house and the entire town turned its back on him. Clyde refused to speak to him because he used the "F" word (the slur one) and everyone acted like he had killed a whole litter of kittens in front of them.
At first, Lincoln was defiant. Fuck them, he didn't do anything wrong. He may have gotten a little mad and overreacted, but it's not like what he did was some terrible crime against humanity. So he cussed and threw a controller down, big deal.
The more he thought about it, though, the more he realized that actually, in fact, it was a big deal. He threw a tantrum like a little baby in front of the entire town, and now he was being roasted to within an inch of his life by everyone. Also, as much as he resented their talent, he missed playing with Lisa and Lana. He started to feel really bad about the things he said to them and came to the realization - through much soul searching - that he was totally in the wrong.
Two weeks after the big blow out, Lincoln went to them, finding them in Lisa's room playing a game on the old PS2 they bought with the money they won. He rubbed the back of his neck and took a deep breath. "I'm sorry for the way I acted," he said, "it was wrong of me to blow up like that. I just felt rotten about myself for not being as good as you."
They considered his apology and then after much consideration, accepted it. "It's okay," Lana said, "I can see where you're coming from."
"So can I," Lisa agreed, "I would feel the same if someone were a better scientist than me."
"You forgive me?" Lincoln asked hopefully.
"We do."
They hugged and kissed and made up.
The next day, Lincoln invited them to play with him and his friends. As he half expected, they were even better than they had been before and they showed him up. They and his friends both gave Lincoln grief but he took it in stride. He didn't mind not being the best at video games anymore. What was important was being a good brother and friend.
That's what matters in life, not how good you are at a dumb game.
THE END
