Chapter 17


He mostly wishes that he had another life.

On nights like tonight, he wishes so much that he was a different Severus Snape, living on some deserted isle somewhere, where no one could find him. There, his only duties would be the ones that he was happy to have. Not so often, he wonders how life would have been, had he chosen another path in life, however, he does not dwell on thoughts like that much, because he's been living one way for too long. He simply hasn't been able to see where a change could crack through the pattern of life that he is currently following.

Nonetheless, on nights such as this one, small thoughts of a different life enter his mind, and truly, the closest that he arrives to having that life, is the emptiness of his dwelling place at Hogwarts. Other men have wives waiting for them when they get back home, whereas he has emptiness waiting for him. Even his own father had his mother waiting for him, no matter how late he arrived home.

Perhaps having a waiting woman, ready to listen to his woes would have been a little better, he dares to think for a moment. Beginning to unfasten the buttons on his clothes as he goes along through his room, he heads for the bathroom indulging himself a little bit. His woman would've no doubt been waiting for him, for she would not have gone to bed without him beside her. He would've liked that very much, to join her in their bed and then hold her tightly against him to get the comfort that he so desperately needed after seeing what he saw earlier this night.

Ah, if only.

He would perhaps be welcomed with an embrace… Perhaps a kiss; loving and assuring that whatever happened out there in the world, at home, he was safe and wanted. He wouldn't be sinking into his chair alone, bringing back to his memory the events that have him feeling as he is. Also, he wouldn't be imagining a life, he would simply be living it.

There's no point to this.

He should do what he always does, not deviate from his usual methods. He ought to go over the meeting with the Dark Lord, what happened there and then properly organise his feelings in order to continue his existence.

If such a thing can be said of the Dark Lord, he simply went too far tonight. Whether it was to show his power, proving that his recent silence doesn't mean that he has changed, or a careful warning to those within the circle who were cowardly, he cannot say. For certain, he can only say that the meeting left him with the feeling of a life elsewhere. What he had to witness tonight was vile. Worse than that, there had been no way around avoiding it and so he stayed for it all.

A man begged tonight. He was no one of importance, really, and yet he had been displayed for the entire gathered group, to be shown begging. He was laughed at as he begged for his family to be left alone. The laughter grew even louder, when he mentioned his family by their titles, his wife and his two daughters were to be left alone, he begged, and all they did was laugh at him. Even when the begging man promised that he would do anything, loud cackles and mockery drowned out his pleas.

He had to see that tonight, all the while doing nothing. There was nothing that he could have done in any case. It wasn't the first time that he had to witness a man being mistreated, but that made no difference; he still had to stand there and teach himself to remain visually hard. His face had to be in order, so as not to give anything away. And to think that during the summer, he will not have the excuse of Hogwarts to keep him back from all the 'necessary' meetings with the Dark Lord… How much more of this will he have to endure? Alone, at that?

No, he suddenly decides, getting up from his chair, at least for tonight, he will seek the company of anyone who will have him. He does not want to be alone tonight.


26Chapters


An alternative to Sybill, Albus is the next obvious choice. He hardly expects him to be present, and if that turns out to be the case, he will make it a point to have Miss Granger shift her brewing to the evenings. Miss Granger brewing in the evenings will surely provide him with a form of distraction on nights such as this one.

The Headmaster's office opens wide for him, not requiring a password. Not to waste time, he steps inside the office, steadily walking into the chamber until he comes face to face with Albus patiently seated at his table.

'Severus.' Albus welcomes him, a small smile showing on his face.

'I wasn't sure that you would be here.'

'I am,' he inclines his head, offering a seat that way and also, 'Would you care for some Muggle pastilles?'

Because sometimes even he needs a pick me up, he accepts. Pastilles are nothing like the Muggle ice-cream that his mother used to treat him with when he was little, but it is what he can get now, so he will take it. Magically Albus hands him the sweets as he takes a seat.

'What brings you here, Severus?'

'Am I interrupting something?'

Perhaps this wasn't the best; to come here. Albus sounded less inviting a conversation than concerned. It would not be unlikely that he had been in the middle of something important.

'At this hour?' Albus seems to find the notion ridiculous.

'It isn't unheard of,' he answers, feeling no need to explain that this is especially the hour when the Dark Arters begin to thrive.

'No, it is not,' Albus agrees, which he takes to mean that he can go on.

'Would you like to hear about the happenings tonight?'

'I am aware of what happened tonight, Severus.'

Not in surprise, he studies the other man. It would be pointless to ask him how he knows this, which is why he doesn't attempt to. For an old man, not much gets past him. Understandably, the Dark Lord's fear of him is merited, because could the Dark Lord have killed him, he would have done it already.

'Then you know how I feel, I trust?'

Although not at all a fair claim to make, being the know-all that Albus is, he would like to test this. If Miss Granger were listening to him now, she would surely recognise what he is doing, seeing as she did it with him very recently.

Albus, thoughtfully nodding after a brief moment's silence, responds with, 'It's perfectly natural to feel as you do.'

Albus seems to be assuring him that he is well within his right to feel as such, only, he does not believe so. In addition to that, does Albus truly know how he is feeling?

'Is it?'

'You tell me, Severus,' the older man presses, somewhat confirming that he is not fully aware of Severus' feelings. 'I wouldn't dare presume to know how you truly feel. I can only assume that you came to me for a reason. It is most unusual for you to offer what I have not asked of you.'

Well, he is right there. Recently, he's been frightening himself with his actions. He's been seeking for comfort and company in the most unusual of ways. He seems to be changing in a way that he never intended on changing.

'Am I allowed to be conflicted?' he asks, if that can be taken to be his reason for coming here, but it's also a genuine query of his.

All that he is experiencing to this moment, is the result of his won poor choices, and that automatically takes away any right that he would have had to feel conflicted. And yet, is that really all the way true?

'Only you can decide that,' Albus tells him. 'I too struggle with what I may and may not feel.'

In other, more fitting words, Albus cannot give him the comfort that he needs. Apart from the untouched packaged pastilles still in his hands, there's nothing more that could be offered. It's not shocking to learn that, and yet it's strange to know that he's placed his trust in a man who he knows very little about, a man who equally knows very little about him.

There is so much unknown between them, and it seems that it will continue to be that way. Neither of them are particularly looking to go deeper than the surface of their exteriors with each other, even being mates on the same side against the Dark Lord. At this point, it would seem that Miss Granger knows him more than any other living person. He's unwillingly revealed himself to her more than he has willingly to any other.

'In any event, Severus…' the older man begins, possibly to end the contemplative silence that had settled itself between them.

How glad he is that they can move on from that.

'In any case,' he takes hold of the hint to change the subject, 'there's another matter. Potter has not yet learned Occlumency. Should we really place confidence in him?'

'Have you encouraged him enough, Severus?'

He will have Albus know -not aloud precisely- that he does not appreciate that tone of reproach from him. For indeed, he has done what he could have for the boy, only the boy cannot be bothered to do better. He would bet his life on the fact that placed against the silent observer who had been Miss Granger, Potter would fail abysmally.

'He knows it's necessary,' he stresses, loathing that he even has to say it.

How much more necessary could it be, considering that the lessons are being given by his least favourite teacher?

'He is a boy, Severus, he needs to be guided. Surely you remember yourself at that age.'

The boy has not come back to the lessons in two days now. That's clearly not the attitude of someone who needs to be guided. Not once did he ask Potter not to come back and finish their lessons, although, he will do no such thing as seek him out to look for an explanation.

'Potter needs to be conscious of how he affects those around him. You cannot continue to hold his hand and tell him how wonderful he is. He cannot be permitted to make as many errors as he does, without realising what it will do in the long run.'

'Do not speak as though we reach maturity so effortlessly, Severus,' Albus calmly warns. 'I dare say that even at your age, you are not as mature as you ought to be. Your very being here tonight inclines me to believe that you have your own shares of errors. Do not expect the boy to fully understand his impulses and actions. In time, he will come to learn and understand. Give him the time to understand as he ought to.'

Funny that he should caution him that when Miss Granger accused him of being abusing towards Potter. To him, it's all one and the same. Both of them believe him to be unyielding where the boy is concerned, when really, he is only doing what is right. One day he hopes to show them that he's been right all long where Potter is concerned. The whole lot of them have a devotion to the boy that is not helpful to him in the least and that could ruin him even more in the future.

That aside, he finds that he cannot bear to listen to praises about the boy. He certainly did not come here to have his ears filled with adoration for Potter, thus, he will not continue to sit in Albus' presence.

'And while we wait, we suffer for it,' he states as he rises from the chair.

'Unfortunately, Severus, that is the way of the world. We are supposed to be the beacon of direction for the children, even when they don't even fully have most of the answers yet.'

'As you say,' he non-committedly replies, following it with a curt, 'Goodnight, Albus.'

'Goodnight to you, Severus.'

As he walks out of the office, he thinks that he would have done better to go and see Sybill. At least her unhelpful gibberish would have been expected and her tea soothing.


26Chapters


The end of the week comes bearing a Hogmeade's trip. He would not care for it at any other time, except at the moment, stationed directly at Minerva's office window, he finds that looking out of the glass and watching the students walk towards the school gates for their trip, is more interesting than making himself a cup of tea as Minerva suggested to him and Albus. Albus can entertain himself with tea, if he likes, but he most certainly will not.

'The exams have me worried,' Minerva's voice sounds.

The polite thing to do, is turn his attention to her, which he does, but he does not step away from the window. He finds it better to watch the different groups of students clutter out into the open air, because if they don't hurry, they will get wet. The clouds in the sky look promising for a little drizzle of rain.

'There is no need to worry, Minerva,' Albus replies to her.

He looks from the Headmaster to his deputy, wondering why he has to be here. He honestly does not know, only that one does not refuse a call by Minerva McGonagall. It is simply unheard of, and so here he is looking back at her, only to see her eyeing Albus with an arched eyebrow. That is a given, of course, for she would not be Minerva any other way.

'Severus?' she spins her head his way, making him momentarily freeze. 'Are you not worried about the student's exams?'

'The students are well capable of passing, Minerva,' Albus saves him from answering. 'Surely you have faith in them.'

'The students, yes,' she crisply agrees. 'Dolores Umbridge, no.'

Magic in all of its fullness, Umbridge? That is why he is here, to discuss Umbridge? A waste of everything good, if there was ever such a thing in his life.

'Have faith, Minerva.'

'Surely not in Dolores, you mean?'

'In Dolores!' Albus chuckles. 'Ah, Minerva.'

They are saying absolutely nothing and as such, they can have that discussion among themselves, if they will. He has no interest in it, and the way that they are giving each other answers, while sipping their drinks, he rather feels that his mere presence is more than enough for the two of them. He might as well have been called here for parental supervision; just to ensure that they do not end up harming each other when things get too heated. For that reason, he looks back out of the window.

Dolores Umbridge. He was brought here for her. The thought makes him mentally scoff. He's missed quite a lot of the students leaving while giving attention to the school heads. And Dolores Umbridge. Now look, there are very few people on the ground.

Of the two small groups that are walking along to the gate, the group with three people stands out most to him. The two heads of red and black hair keeping a girl in the middle give their identity away at once. Apart from the fact that they are usually recognisable, they are always isolated from everyone else, so it fits that they are one of the last groups to be leaving for the village. Ah, well, he does not care what they get up to in any case. However, just like the rest of their peers, if they do not hurry, they will get wet.

When it starts to rain, they would have to start running back into the shelter of the castle, to keep themselves dry, but if they are too far away, the thing that is likely to happen, is that she would find a way to protect her friends from the rain. It's his firm belief that the other two wouldn't even know where to begin with a spell to cover them, if they tried. Himself on the other hand, had he been the one walking down there with her, he would've created a shield for himself. And then, he would've extended the shield to include her in it as well.

It is an unwarranted thought, that. It has no meaning either, but that is what he would've done.