Chapter 21
Time, it seems, simply flew by. He has been so occupied, so engrossed in torment lately, barely giving her time and attention and apparently, this is his reward.
'But how, Albus?' he urgently whispers.
He cares nothing that his hair is falling into his face, or that he might look too out of place showing blatant emotion in front of the headmaster and his deputy. He cares only to hear how that girl, out of the lot of them, got herself injured. That she got injured, he understands, it's only the how that is the problem for him.
'It was a silent curse, the children said,' the headmaster wearily replies. 'No one heard it spoken, Severus.'
'Wonderful,' he softly exclaims, because that still doesn't explain what he wants to know.
He's also being sardonic at the fact that no one has any idea on what the curse might have been. How is Poppy supposed to treat something most likely dark, if she has no idea what it is? How wonderful this whole situation is.
'Don't be that way, Severus,' the old man advises. 'Poppy will take care of it. I called you in here only to fill you in on what I saw at the Ministry tonight. Have a seat, please,' he invites with a small hand gesture to the open seat next to Minerva.
'You just said that the girl was cursed!'
He refuses to sit down, in other more fitting words. Those children were up to something and he… He didn't care to worry about Sirius and this is the result. What irks him the most is that no one else but her got hurt. She, the girl who interrupted his experiment to successfully heal his cut, in what he believed was care, was harmed? It unsettles him to know.
'Severus,' Minerva softly reaches for him, her old hand very inviting to him, for an odd reason. 'Have a seat, please.'
He would not like to have a seat, for the love of magic. Having a seat will not lessen the gravity of the matter at hand. However, unlike Albus, Minerva is not one to be easily ignored simply because one does not feel the need to heed her words. Against his will, he relents, lowering himself into the chair although careful not to sit comfortably in it. Comfort has no place in his life at the moment.
'Thank you,' the other man tells him. 'As I just said, we have an important Order matter to discuss with you tonight.'
Is it so wrong that he is not fully invested to be made aware of Order dealings this night, when there's the matter of Miss Granger lying cursed in the infirmary? Does no one care about her at all? What does Poppy know about dark magic, that she will fully assist the girl?
No, he has no trust in Poppy concerning this. Surely, after this meeting has been concluded, he will see her about the girl. If fortune is on his side, he might even speak to one of the other children to get an idea of what really happened concerning her.
As for the girl... He is in no way impressed with her being unconscious.
26Chapters
Necessity has forced his hand to this point. He would never do this normally, confront a Death Eater on their employed methods, but out of a plaguing sense of guilt, this is essential. While it's not his fault that she got assaulted, but he does feel a little bad that he'd paid her little mind in the weeks leading up to this. It is his belief that if he can do something to reverse the curse placed upon her, his guilt will fade away.
'If it isn't Snape!'
'Antonin,' he bids the man a greeting that way.
'What brings you here,' he looks around the establishment for emphasis, 'of all places?'
'I am required to enquire about the curse on the girl,' he responds right away.
An establishment like this one, a nasty looking drinking place, polluted with cigar fumes and illicit substances -questionable bartering of goods too- is nothing that would ever invite him to frequent. Thankfully, just when he was being accepted into the large circle of the willing and eager witches and wizards who came before him, the Dark Lord fell. Places such as this, may just have become an informal requisite otherwise.
Antonin, for his part, gives off a snort to accompany his reluctant response, 'I used many curses that night.'
'Then you will have no problem providing me a list.'
If the man is looking to be difficult, with no hesitation on his path, he will walk along that path with him.
'I am not doing that,' Antonin coldly replies.
'The perhaps you'd be more willing to allow me a peek into your memory from that night?'
As much of a genuine question that is, it's also a scaring taunt to show the other man that he is not above resorting to that, if need be. Obviously, the mind of a Death Eater, a being who carefully conceals themselves in the public eye, is a mine full of treasure that no owner would want no other to even get a whiff of. He wants it perfectly clear to Antonin that if it leads to invading his mind, he will not hesitate to.
'Come off it, Snape!' he snaps. 'We all have our positions to maintain! I can't tell you what I cursed her with, because I don't remember!'
'Do not lie to me, Antonin.'
Along with the words leaving his mouth, he steps close to the other man, his hand reaching for his wand already. Very fast, this can become what it was not intended to be, depending on how Antonin treads.
'I don't remember,' he insists, apparently seeing the wand threat. 'I was afraid that night, Snape. Have you ever tried chasing around a bunch of bloody children and worrying about what would happen if you happened to lose to them?'
'You were afraid of children?'
Of course, he's well aware that is not the case, but if the man wants to be this way, he will get his share of humiliation for it.
'The Dark Lord made it very clear that he would not take failure very lightly before we left. I was afraid of him.'
He can only assume that no one was punished that night because the Dark Lord himself had appeared there and failed. In any case, he sees now that he's wasting his time with Antonin. There is nothing here for him to do. Even if he attempts to look for the said memory, it may not yield any result. Part of what makes Legilimency so intricate is the inability that a majority of people have to recall everything in detail. Antonin strikes him as a man who remembers only what pleases him to remember ergo the current futility.
'Do your best to remember, Antonin,' he advises, choosing to end it here. 'I will need to aid in her recovery.'
In defeat, Antonin turns away from him, begging, 'Go away, Snape. Leave me.'
26Chapters
'Hermione Granger is stirring.'
That is the single message that the nurse's Patronus brings him, not so much in a rush as urgent. He accepts the message at once, being halfway to the door of his office before the message fades into the air. He takes long strides out of his office, making his magic follow him, to perform the necessary steps after him. His haste is to get the girl as soon as is possible, so that he does not miss a thing.
He still cannot believe it. Or fully grasp it, rather.
The thing at the Ministry happened so suddenly, so out of nowhere, that his surprise at the whole aftermath, has been overruled by anger for the lot of them. Her especially. DA was a stupid rebellious and idea enough, but to believe that they could sneak into the Ministry and take on the Dark Lord? Oh, she is a stupid, stubborn and stupid witch for following her foolishly blind friends.
How did they come out fine, but not her?
All this time that she has been magically unconscious in the hospital wing, he kept thinking and doing only that. Upon hearing what happened, he grew unbelievably upset with her for not doing anything to protect herself. She was the girl who rushed to his aid when she saw him bleeding, which will always mean that she is and should be better than neglecting herself. However, for the sake of her friends, she did just that; she neglected herself.
She has no idea how fuming that makes him.
After everything that he told her, after he warned her about not going with the crowd, or worse, seeking approval, her predicament shows just how little she took his words to heart. He spoke to her, expecting her to take it in and guard it, but no, she chose not to. Had it been something to do with potions, she would have taken all of it in. He specifically told her that being approved by others means nothing, if it means being unhappy afterwards because of it, and what better does she do than ignore it?
The foolish girl. He is still quite angry with her, in spite of the fact that sufficient time has passed. What had she been thinking? She could have been killed, does she know? Attempting to take the Dark Lord on by herself? She has always trusted in her precious Potter, that one! Did she really believe that Potter would protect her? Her? The more accomplished in spell work of the lot of them? Well, her condition just goes to show, does it not? Potter clearly did not protect her, and now look at her! She put too much faith in the idiot, big-headed boy, who did nothing to help her.
That foolish, foolish girl.
His thoughts the right force to push him on, he hurriedly walks along the corridor, fully preparing a barrage of not so nice and not so uplifting words for her. Without hesitation, he will do what he needs to do, of that she can be sure, although he will not neglect the more important part of implicitly pointing out her stupidity. For certain, he will point out her naivety, going on a full exposé about how the great Harry Potter is only a danger to those around him, her especially.
As he arrives in the hospital wing, he observes how surrounded her bed is by three people. One is Potter at the foot of the bed -the one responsible for this-, another is Poppy on the right side of the bed, and lastly, there's Weasley on the left side of the bed. Much like guardian angels he views them, as though protecting her from all sides, and even so, he is more than ready to tell them to leave him alone with her. He has several things to say, but only for her ears.
'Professor Snape, you're here,' Madam Pomfrey looks his way, positively relieved to see him. 'I believe that she will open her eyes in a moment.'
Saying nothing to reply to her, he walks to where Weasley is, pushes him out of the way to then look upon Miss Granger's twitching face. He had left Poppy with specific instructions that at whatever time her magical stagnation expired, he should be notified, and here he is at last, watching the girl's lids flutter, finally preparing to open. Excellent, he is only an eyelid's movement away from delivering what is due to her, which is why he pays close attention to her eyes, watching for them to open. It does not take long for it to happen and as soon as they do, immediately, his fury lets itself out of him.
'You have at last decided that we are worth your time, Miss Granger?'
At the sound of his voice, she slightly flinches, but that can wait. He knows very well that he needs to give her a moment to catch up with her surroundings and herself, just as much as he knows that it's not her fault that she has been asleep all of this time, but to him, that does not matter in the slightest.
'Look at me, Miss Granger,' he orders, not raising his voice for the desired effect.
'Professor Snape, allow her time,' Poppy warns him.
He has no interest to listen to her, seeing as this has nothing to do with her. He is talking to Miss Granger and only her. No one else should be involved in what he's doing here. It's not their place to get involved.
'Who knows what she will do next, if I allow her that?' he directs to the nurse with his eyes set on Miss Granger's face. 'Is this condition that she is in, not a clear enough indication that she cannot make sound decisions?'
'Professor?' she quietly questions.
Her eyes are now fully focused on him, and seeing him properly for the first time, her face softens. As much as her face softens, there's a lost look in her expression that all of a sudden makes him feel uncomfortable. It just now feels that he cannot bring himself to scold her for the stupid decisions that she made, because he simply cannot find an opening to make anger pass through and explode out of him. All he can find within, is a push to be careful with her. Only that.
'Be still,' he carefully advises her, all the harshness from before done away with. 'I need to see what happened.'
'Professor Snape?' she calls again.
He cannot be sure if she's calling for him for a reason, or whether she's just making sure that he is who looks to be. In any case, he sees now that he was out of line to go off on her. He needs her calm.
'Miss Granger, be still,' he softly repeats, needing her to grasp his intention.
He needs her to understand will not say anything negative to her again, only, she looks at him as if she doesn't understand what he wants.
'I need to see what happened,' he repeats, slightly leaning over her.
It's that he cannot do it without her permission. That would make him a hypocrite, after the entire show that he made when Potter accidentally got into his memories. At last, after a quiet moment, she seems to get it, because she nods, allowing him to freely speak the word, 'Legilimens' for a start.
Beginning from what happened with Umbridge –which she does not seem sorry for at all- he sees, right to how they destroyed Ministry property and how she was hit with a silent curse. He should stop there, and so he pulls out of her mind, to ask her about how she felt when the spell hit her, because that cannot be deduced from a memory.
'Professor?' she says right after he pulls out of her mind.
'Yes.'
'Where are... Harry and Ron?' she wants to know, not breaking eye contact with him. 'Luna and Neville? Where's Ginny?'
Oh, this girl. If only he could shout at her. He's in the middle of trying to do something for her health and she is concerned about the very people who are not in the place in which he is, attempting to help her?
'Worry about yourself, Miss Granger,' he dismisses her question. 'Your friends are unharmed, unlike yourself.'
Her friends choose then to show themselves on the other side with Poppy, but Potter is the one to infuriatingly place his hand on her shoulder for her attention.
'We're here, Hermione,' he says to her turning face. 'We're glad that you're awake.'
'Miss Granger, look at me,' he counters Potter's craving for her attention.
He won't ask her again, she should know that. Whether she knows it or not, this is no battle of who she prefers by her side more, except, if she is wise, she will prioritise her wellbeing. Fortunately for the two boys, she knows better than to neglect her health, so she looks at him, which puts his reason to chase them on hold again. To continue, he places his left hand on her arm, a light touch, designed to speak the words of assurance that he will most definitely not, before waving his wand over her only once.
Looking into her eyes, he asks, 'Any pain?'
'No, Professor,' her head moves from side to side. 'What happened to me?'
No pain is a good indication, but still, he moves his hand up to behind her neck, feeling for anything unusual. Finding nothing, he then slides it further down, tucking it behind her back. He is testing for what physical marks could present themselves on those particular areas, but he does it with a tight heart, hoping with all of him that he is not being too familiar with her. He is not used to physical contact, and in her shoes, he would dislike it if strange hands were touching him. His intention is not to invade her privacy, and yet he cannot help it hope that she understands the necessity in his strange hands touching her.
'Discomfort?' he mutters.
'No,' she replies. 'What spell was I hit with, Professor?'
Slowly removing his hand, he waves his wand over her again. He does that, because although it seems that she is in good health, he would like it to be in perfect order that she is out of danger. It needs to be a certainty in his mind that he's done a decent job of placing protection on her.
'You appear unharmed,' he tells her, completely ignoring her question again. 'However, I should caution you to owl me over the summer, should you feel any single thing happen to you. Headaches. A dull sensation. Nightmares. Bleeding. Anything, Miss Granger, owl me.'
'What's wrong with me, Professor?' she desperately asks him at the same time that Weasley asks, 'What's wrong with her?'
Thank Weasley for that, he appreciates, because now he has another excuse to ignore her question. He rather looks at the worried boy, mustering an irritated expression just for him.
'Unless you have the expertise to assist her, do not ask,' he spits, looking at Potter as well to get his point understood.
'I am not asking to heal her,' Weasley responds. 'I'm only asking what's wrong with her. I just want to know.'
'Know only this,' he coldly says, not at all ready to entertain the two boys, 'you and Potter are guilty of endangering her life. Had it not been for your stupid arrogance and thirst for playing the hero, she would not be here.'
The nerve of them to think that they have any right to enquire. He has no patience for their like, so he turns back to her, leaning over her and then soundlessly speaks something over her. It's part of what he did with his second wand wave, and his hope is that it will be sufficient to hold her. He did what he thought he should when she was first brought in, with this being just added protection.
'What did you do to her?' Weasley asks in worry.
He neither looks, nor gives any mind to the boy. He only looks into her eyes for an extended moment, and then nods before stepping away from her bed to leave.
26Chapters
'You called for me, Headmaster?'
His tone is tired and perhaps something else, he does not know, or he is not bothered to name the state of his tone. Himself on the other hand, he is very uncomfortable. There is just something within him that he cannot get rid of. He has tried running his hands several times over his face, but that didn't make it go away. Three hours have passed since Miss Granger awoke, since he did what he could for her, and still the feeling remains.
'Will she be all right?' the headmaster gets right to the point, blue eyes intently focused on him.
'Miss Granger, I'm assuming you mean?' he carefully asks.
He need not ask such a thing, but he is doing so, because this is the first that he is seeing the Headmaster today. It would be all well and correct to assume that he and the Headmaster are on the same topic, however, prior to this, they had not discussed the subject of Miss Granger's state. They talked about the state of the Dark Lord and what happened at the Ministry, but they never got into the specifics of what those foolish children got up to. Poppy had been trusted enough to take care of them, and so they only just touched on the unknown point of Miss Granger's condition.
'Yes,' the headmaster nods. 'I refer to Hermione Granger.'
'I cannot say, Headmaster,' he replies, feeling weak even to admit such a thing. 'I took the only measure that I could safely perform,' he continues to explain, 'even though I do not know what she was hurt with.'
'Will it last?' Albus wants to know, worry lines visible on his face. 'Your protection?'
What a question. He couldn't even answer her, despite having seen what he saw was through her eyes. How is he expected to answer the head of school, who is far much wiser?
'I pray that it does,' is what he rather replies with, not realising his choice of words. 'If not, I will have to speak with Dolohov.'
Again. Should anything happen to Miss Granger, he will visit Antonin at his home with the sile purpose of extracting that memory.
The headmaster's face changes, taking on the look of wonder as he asks, 'You would do that?'
'If I had to, yes, but I see no need to.'
It's not needed that he mentions that he's seen the man before. That was a fruitless meeting, but if he needs to do it again, he will. He sees no other option available outside of Dolohov, if things do not go well with Miss Granger. For that very reason, he implored Miss Granger to let him know whenever she feels anything, even remotely small over the summer. Making an arrangement to see Dolohov during the summer will be an easy task for him, hence the plea to Miss Granger.
'You speak as though you care for Hermione, Severus.'
What is that smile on his face, as though making that statement should something to be celebrated? Albus Dumbledore can be too pensive for his own good, often going as far as to look for things which are not there. However, since the man has already spoken the words, he might as well do his part and set the old man straight on that matter.
'I would rather that I have words with her,' he begins. 'I would rather that she cries and sees the error of what she did, perhaps then it will enter into her head to not think that Harry Potter is not all that will keep her safe in the world. Look at what she's gotten herself into, all for that boy!'
Honestly, as far as caring is concerned, he will not say that he does, although, he will admit that he is quite uncomfortable concerning the whole situation. Of course, he would like to bring her to the understanding that she was stupid in doing what she did, and yet, at the same time, he does not want to upset her when she is still coming together from a period of uncertainty. It's really an uncomfortable situation to be in, if anyone were to ask him. Only, he just cannot say with certainty that he cares about the girl. Worried, perhaps, yes.
'Hmm,' the Headmaster moves his head to the right. 'How very much it seems that you care. Answer me, do you care for her, Severus?'
Pulling his eyebrows together, only to show his distaste with the man across him, he asks, 'Is an answer really necessary, Albus?'
Is it not obvious? He does not know. That is what it is. What he knows, is that there's a difference in their interactions, nothing more. Ever since the failure of Occlumency, their interactions have been different, but he does not know if he cares for her.
'No. No, it is not, Severus. I only hope that she's the first of many,' the headmaster softly tells him. 'Students will surprise you every once in a while, you see. And she is an excellent student.'
Unbelievable old man! Does he know nothing about him as they stand? Surely, he remembers who Severus Snape is –a man not moved by the same things that mere beings are; is that not the running joke between them?
'Implying that the more excellent, the better I would care?' he softly retorts, absolutely finding fault in that ridiculous assumption.
'There is nothing wrong with caring for your students, Severus,' mockingly comes from the other man's mouth. 'It is human as human as breathing is, to care about her recovery and worry because of it. You are human, Severus.'
Well, thank the headmaster very much for assuring me of the fact that I am human. I never would have concluded that, based on my physical traits alone.
And well, all right, it may well be human to care about his students, but he never set out to care about the girl. He could never stand her at first. He had planned to lure her into failure in the beginning. He had not intended for all the arguments and back and forth to be a thing between them. He had not planned on changing his opinion and dealings with the girl. The change happened on its own, not seeking his counsel, that is, if now feeling rage along with a need to protect, means that he cares.
To conclude, if he cares for the girl –which he is not particularly against- he has been too absent to piece it together. He is, however, not too absent to be certain that he does not need Albus Dumbledore's influence in his thoughts. That should be his own discovery, that he cares, really cares for the girl.
'Are we finished here, Headmaster? May I leave?'
'Of course, you may,' he agrees. 'Thank you for looking after Miss Granger.'
He did not do that to be praised, if Albus would like to know. His reason for taking Hermione's protection into his hands, has nothing to do with anyone else. He couldn't think of not being a part of her recovery, and that is all there is to it.
26Chapters
These last days that have been leading up to the end of term, the last dinner tonight, in fact, have been quite taxing on him. To relieve himself of the unsettling feeling within him, during these days, he has been showing up in his office for no particular reason and simply waiting. Waiting for what, even he doesn't know, and yet he's been doing it without fail.
No one showed up until right now.
The knock on his door, arrives like a quill falling on the surface of a desk, so soft it is, that his heart properly stops for a moment, as do his bodily movements. The verbal 'Professor Snape,' that follows the knock, is a degree louder than the knock, however, the softness that it releases into the room, keeps the beat of his heart stagnant for a moment more.
Ah, but what a fool he has been!
'Yes?' he tests in response to the call, not yet daring to look up towards the door.
It may sound like her, but she has never really bothered to knock before now. She has, (because he has allowed her) done pretty much as she pleased since the change in their interactions. What assurance does he have that it truly is her?
'May I come in?' reaches his ears.
Magic, what's happened to her?
His head whips up too fast, his fingers unconsciously flexing at the newness of the unfolding thing within this office. For a brief a amount of time, enough for him to hold his breath and not suffocate, he considers closing his eyes to clear his vision before fixing his eyes on the person presenting to be her. The purpose for the considering such a thing, is to be absolutely certain that his eyes are at their best when they settle on her. He does not close his eyes, however, as a distraction moves him away from it. The breath that he had been holding in escapes him in an unplanned manner, that quite simply, he's stunned into stillness.
Oh, such a fool he's been indeed.
He cannot even respond to her, leaving a silence, softer than anything she has done so far, to settle inside the office. Strangely, had his mind and body not been in his office all of these days, fully waiting for something, his ears would not have been attentive to these softest of sounds as they are now. He suspects also, that he would not have put together why he's been waiting.
'I wanted to thank you for what you did for me after the Ministry,' she tells him, her tone an aspiring whisper breaking through the silence.
Her hands are fiddling with each other, he notices. She's nervous, he notes. He needs to assure her of something –to calm her nerves.
'All right,' he half-heartedly accepts, only so that she doesn't feel bad if he does not answer her.
His intention for doing what he did for her, was never to be thanked. Had that been the case, he would have, at some point, gone to her and demanded that she appreciate his efforts. It gives him no pleasure to accept the gratitude, seeing as it was never what he had sought after.
Her hands are softly clenching at her sides now, he observes.
Is she waiting for him to invite her to come in? Why is that? He's never had to invite her inside before. It confuses him quite some, that he can only look at her, as she is doing to him. This is not at all easy for him. Nothing about this is natural for him. It's all rather disconcerting.
Will she enter, or will she simply stand there? He wonders, does she need him to go to her at the door instead? He would, if that is what she wills, because her just standing there strips the softness from the room, replacing it with a model of heaviness. And not just in the room itself, no, it also feels like within him, the heaviness is weighing him down.
For magic's sake, why is she not walking inside?
She has always come inside along with her knock or verbal announcement. Two times, she caught him at vulnerable times, because of that very fact, so how can she just stand there now? He can't stop looking at her and wondering that. Can she know that she's not helping, just standing there, saying nothing? He wonders, is it because he didn't tell her what he did to help her in the hospital wing? Is it because he had begun by scolding her that day? Is that what's holding her back?
'Miss Granger, why-' he begins to ask her why she won't come in only to stop before he finishes.
Although he wants to know what he did to her that she's keeping her distance, he cannot be the one to ask her to enter, he reprimands himself. She knows him, does she not? Surely she knows that is not upset with her and that she can enter without a word from him. Whenever has he denied her entry, if she can recall? Because she knows him, this is worse, it should be known.
'We went down to Hagrid's, Professor, and...'
As she faintly fades her words out, he sees her hesitate with a face bearing the look of pained remembrance. He cannot ignore that look on her face in the first place, it is just too raw for him to do that. It's for that reason that he clenches himself together, believing that unfortunately, there's nothing he can do for her, if she'll keep on standing there.
'I saw Thestrals for the first time,' she quietly completes, as if the way that she says it will make it any less of what it is.
Thestrals? He wants to repeat back to her. For the first time, she said? And why, for the love of magic, will she not come inside? Why is she talking to him from the door? It can't enter into his mind what she wants from him. She's looking at him as though she wants to tell him that she unfortunately got to witness death, but she just cannot say the words. He truly does not know what she wants from him, and it's producing a heavy feeling in his throat. He does not like it.
'Miss Granger, what-'
What does she want from him, what should he do for her?
This is the second time now, abruptly cutting a sentence in the making. And for what? Why does it seem that he's finding it hard to speak? Why is all of this making him sad to feel and difficult to endure? Could this mean what Albus was accusing him of two weeks back? Does he care about Miss Granger, truly, when he hasn't even scolded her for what she got herself involved in?
He's a fool! He ought to say something to her. If only to get that pained expression of her face, he ought to say something. Perhaps she would like to hear that he too sees them and their tragic beauty too. A simple sentiment about how they appear so very gentle and yet unpleasant to look at, would ease something within her –make her feel less of... Should he tell her that maybe, that is how death should be looked at? As something horrible to behold, when it's really, in essence a thing stitched together by peace and gentleness in character? Really, he-
'I need to return, Professor,' she speaks, unintentionally putting a stop to his thoughts. 'I only wanted to thank you for what you did for me. I didn't deserve it after everything, but I do appreciate it, Professor. Thank you.'
Would she stop with that! Not another word, he wants to hear concerning that.
'You will write to me, if you feel ill, Miss Granger?' he settles on asking, quickly abandoning the path that his mind had been looking to go down on.
'I will, Professor,' she quietly promises with a nod.
Will she, really? He's a naturally doubtful person, always ready to not accept what he is shown, and because of that, he wonders if she will, in truth, send him an owl. Look at her now; if she cannot even make it past the threshold into his office. What more is she not capable of doing when away from him? It's right here in his mind, to ask for assurance that she will do as she promises, but he cannot ask her that.
The look on her face, is one that he can't fully understand well, though, he soon gets a clear idea of what she must be feeling, when she begins to move away from the door, not turning her back on him. In only three steps, she disappears from his sight, and he closes his eyes, willing it all to go away; all that she made him realise, including all that she caused in him by remaining at the door, and all that she left him with. He's not even certain what she left him with, only that he does not like it. And mostly that he needs to think.
Taking in a tired breath, he opens his eyes again, thinking that he really needs to sit down with himself and think.
