A/N - Happy Valentine's Day! A very unexpected one-shot I came up with last night and this morning. I hope you enjoy! Don't forget to drop a review!
February 14th, 2021
Valentine's Day. Never her favorite day. It seemed a little over hyped. A day that Hallmark invented to up their candy and flower sales between Christmas and Easter. Over the years she'd had a date here or there, or a boyfriend on the date but it never felt…right. Never gave her those butterflies, that feeling that this was the one.
She was older now and in her opinion, more cynical. She'd given up on that idea of true love, a Valentine to sweep her off her feet. She was already annoyed by all the 'love is in the air' feeling she saw as she walked into her squad room. Amanda was all doe eyed at her desk no doubt fawning over something Carisi had done this morning. Even Fin was humming to himself and clearly looking forward to later on with Phoebe or remembering their morning.
Either way, she was already over today. She needed it to be over. Not even her son's sweet homemade Valentine could make her feel better. And she knew why. But she refused to admit it. Head down, she walked towards her office, not wanting to make small talk with her love struck team.
"Hey Cap." Amanda called as she walked past.
Olivia grunted a response, eyes glued to her phone pretending that she was actually looking at something. She heard Fin laugh but she didn't respond, knowing whatever she was going to say wouldn't exactly be nice. Pushing the doors of her office open, she took a deep breath, closed her eyes and hoped that time would speed up.
But as she rounded the corner to her desk, she saw something out of place. A single red rose. Frowning, she picked it up and brought it to her lips, "A little birdie dropped that off."
Turning, she saw Fin and frowned, "Who?"
Fin shrugged, "That I can't tell you. But I can give you this…"
Narrowing her eyes at him, she held out her hand and he gave her a small piece of paper, "Fin…"
Her friend just shrugged and stepped back, "Just give it a chance, okay?"
Sighing, she looked down at the card and saw familiar handwriting. Her heart began to speed up. But all that was scribbled on the note was… -one.
Frowning, she flipped it over, trying to make sense of it. She knew he had written it. But what the hell did it mean and why was he sending this to her? Her heart fluttered in her chest when she thought back to their years as partners. More than once she'd helped him try and find a gift for Kathy and it was hard not to feel frustrated by it. More hard to not offer up what she would like to get if he was buying her a gift. But she'd done what she could as his partner, as his friend and respected the line like she always needed too.
But every Valentine's Day…before he left…he'd pull one rose from his back. They started out in the early years as yellow. A symbol of friendship, and overtime they transformed, pink, lavender, but that last year…red the same red as the one in her hand right now. And she remembered it. She remembered it like it was yesterday.
February 14, 2012
"El, you really need to get out of here. Kathy's gonna kill you if you are late." She said with a forced smile, though she wanted to say 'please don't go'.
He sighed and shuffled some papers on his desk, "Yeah…you're right."
She reached into her drawer for a new pen and didn't want to meet his eyes, "She'll love the bracelet. You'll see."
He sat there, just staring at her and nodded robotically, "Yeah…"
Looking up at him quickly, something in his expression startled her and she sat back, "What's wrong?"
And deep down she knew, but he wouldn't say it. Couldn't say it. He shook his head and instead asked, "He canceled huh?"
Her cheeks flushed and she looked down again, unable to look him in the eye either. She'd been seeing someone for a few weeks but as Valentine's Day got closer she had pulled away. Felt like it wasn't going anywhere, and he knew iti too. Accused her of being in love with someone else though she denied it, "It was…a mutual decision really."
Elliot swallowed hard looking at her, wishing he could say what he wanted to say. Wishing he could give her what she deserved. With a heavy sigh, he stood up, opened the bottom drawer of his desk and pulled out the single rose he'd saved just for her. This time, a deep red one, the first red one he'd ever given her. And for once in his life, he didn't care about the consequences.
Holding it out to her, she looked up quickly, and her eyes settled on the rose, startled by the color. The red which symbolized love and devotion. She held her breath as he whispered, "He's an idiot…and he should fight for you. Because you're worth it."
She just stared at him, wide eyed, unsure what to do. Until finally she reached out and took the rose, her hand shaking slightly as she pulled it closer. Grabbing his coat off the back of his chair he never looked away, "Happy Valentine's Day Liv…"
Biting her lip, she pulled the flower closer to her chest, "Thank you El…have a good night."
He surprised her as he walked by, his hand reaching out to touch her shoulder, "Night."
Her body burned where he had touched her and she held her breath until he was gone. A red rose, an actual red rose. What did that mean?
Snapping out of her memory, she looked down at the rose and the card again.
-one
What did this mean? What was he trying to say? She placed it down on her desk and tried to ignore those butterflies swarming in her belly. Fucking Valentine's Day…she hated today. Didn't she?
She tried to go throughout her day as normally as possible but as she worked, roses kept popping up in different places.
-two - The interrogation room
-three - The locker room
-four - The elevator
-five - Her favorite coffee shop
-six - The sandwich shop down the street.
She even left the precinct needing space and they still showed up in unexpected places, yet places that were somehow all connected to him. Then again, everything was connected to him. Her head was spinning by late in the day and she was torn between calling him and yelling and bursting into tears. By now she had 19 roses. The first dozen were a solid red and by the thirteenth they had begun to fade to a lighter pink which confused her.
"Hey." Amanda's voice startled her and she jumped, "Oh. I'm sorry…"
Olivia sighed and ran a tired hand through her hair, tossing the latest little note onto the pile, "Sorry. You're fine. I'm fine."
Amanda smiled and walked closer, eyeing the pile of roses, "Someone has quite the admirer."
Olivia grunted and wiped her sweaty hands on her slacks, "Did you need something Rollins?"
Amanda laughed and shrugged, "Was just seeing if it was okay if I headed out? You said I could leave early…you know since-"
"Right. You have dinner." She said with a frown, "Yeah. Go ahead…" She shot her a quick look, "Tell Carisi I said hello."
Amanda's cheeks flushed, "You know Valentine's Day was never really my favorite day…"
Olivia stood up, turning to the shelf behind her pretending like she was looking for something, "Just another day."
"Yeah. It is. But it's nice to have someone make you feel loved…" She whispered, "Especially when it's someone you've loved for so long…to know your feelings are recpi-"
"Amanda," Olivia turned towards her, "You're going to be late. You should go."
Amanda's cheeks flushed but she smiled, pulling something from her back, another rose, "Sorry boss."
Olivia's mouth hung open, "Where-"
"That I can't tell you." She said stepping back, "But I can say that I guess it's a good thing the kids have that Valentine's event tonight at school. Nice of Lucy to take them…don't you think?"
Olivia groaned and walked closer, taking the rose and note from her. -twenty. "You're dismissed Detective."
Amanda stepped back and smiled, "Happy Valentine's Day Captain…"
Olivia waited until the door was shut and then threw the rose on the table with the rest of them. That's when she noticed that this note had something else written on the back. She held her breath and ran her fingers over the familiar handwriting.
6:30. Dinner? I'll be in our booth.
Gnawing on her lower lip, she covered her face with her hands, "Damn it Stabler…"
By 6:15, she still hadn't decided what to do. It felt hard to breathe. Felt like the walls were closing in. A knock on her door made her jump once more and she looked up to see Fin walking back in, "I swear to God if you have another-"
"I don't have anything." He said with a laugh, "Other than advice…"
She rolled her eyes, "Unsolicited advice I'm sure…"
He laughed and sat down on the edge of her desk, "I guess as your friend I just want to see you happy…"
"Happy." She said with a grumble, "What's that word mean? Never heard of it."
Fin smiled sadly, "Well don't you think it's time you find out what it means?"
She sighed and leaned back in her chair, "Fin…"
"Phoebe and I celebrated early this weekend. She has a big case load and we knew she wouldn't be able to be off tonight." He said with a shrug, "That's why I'm in such a good mood…"
She rolled her eyes and shivered, "Not a visual I needed but thank you…"
He chuckled, "Just saying…" He reached out and tapped her arm, "So why don't you head out Captain. I've got things covered here."
She frowned, stubborn as ever, "I have no plans. Lucy took Noah and the girls to a Valentine's dance at school. I'll just be going home to an empty apartment…"
He sighed, "God you're exhausting…"
She looked up at him quickly, "Fin…"
Gathering up all the roses, he arranged them in a bouquet of sorts, "How many would you say are here by now?"
She didn't hesitate as she whispered, "Twenty."
Fin nodded slowly and held them out to her, "A lot of effort for one day…"
Olivia's heart beat faster, "Fin…" She warned again.
He pulled himself off the desk and shrugged, "Just saying…"
She held the twenty roses to her chest, the scent filling her senses and she knew even if she tried, she couldn't stand him up. No matter what this meant, she had to know once and for all. After a few minutes, she gathered herself, gathered the flowers and made her way out of her office, giving Fin a knowing look. But he didn't say a word, he just smiled and watched her go.
She opened the car door, ready to set the flowers down when she saw one more. Her heart jumped and she reached out for it and the note.
-twenty one
Flipping it over out of instinct she saw: Please come.Settling the rest of the roses beside the new one, she walked towards the driver side and climbed in. Checking herself in the mirror she sighed. She'd changed so much in twenty-three years. And so had he. And yet…how she felt about him had only intensified. Even in the ten year absence. Taking a steadying breath, she looked at the clock. She was going to be late, but somehow she knew he would be waiting.
"It's just a day…" She whispered to herself, "Just a day…it doesn't have to mean anything. Just go and have dinner…"
Somehow she knew it was going to be so much more than just another day…another dinner. And those butterflies she'd always heard about were swarming in full force. She drove the familiar streets of her city as a light snow began to fall from the sky. At every red light, her eyes turned towards the roses on the passenger seat.
Twenty-one roses. What did that mean?
Pulling into a parking spot, she looked towards the Diner and saw him through the window. Hunched over, forearms resting on the table as he tapped his fingers anxiously on the top of it. She sat there, just watching him, trying to tell herself to calm down. Yet his nervousness made her feel…somewhat better. And then she saw it. In front of him. Another rose.
Biting down hard on her lip, she pulled her coat tighter around her and reached for her bag. She kept her eyes on him as she walked towards the door. She saw him check his watch, ten minutes past…she wondered if he thought she wasn't coming. She knew he still hadn't seen her, and she had the opportunity to turn and walk away now. Never speak of this again. And yet…she couldn't do it. Her feet pulled her towards him, that invisible string always tying her to him.
"Can I help you?" A young waitress asked.
But Olivia was still looking at him, and that's when he saw her. His face softened, a slow smile spread on his lips and he stood up quickly, reaching for the rose. Pressing a hand to her belly she whispered, "I'm uh…meeting someone."
The young woman looked back at Elliot standing by the booth and she smiled, "Oh." She stepped back, "Happy Valentine's Day…"
Olivia looked at her quickly and then back at Elliot, "Yeah…Happy Valentine's Day…"
Slowly, she moved towards him and it looked like he might be holding his breath. Nervously, he shifted and as she got closer, he held out the rose, "Hi…"
Her hand shook as she reached for it, "Hi…"
"Twenty-two…" He whispered and she looked up at him, still confused and he shook his head, "I'm so glad you came…"
She looked down at the rose in her hand once more, unable to meet his eyes, "Girls gotta eat…"
He laughed nervously and she blushed, "Can I help you with your coat?"
Her eyes snapped up towards him again, "Oh…I-"
He shrugged and took a step towards her, she inhaled sharply, "Please?"
She paused, lowering the rose down to the table, "Su-sure."
He stepped up behind her, standing close. Dangerously close. She could feel his breath on the back of her neck as his hands slid down her arm slowly extracting the coat from her body, "You look beautiful."
Looking down at her white blouse and gray slacks that hugged her curves she frowned, "No I don't."
He hung up her coat and brushed her hair off her neck, his fingers lingering a little longer and she stopped breathing once more, "Yes you do. You always do." He walked around her and gestured towards the booth, "Sit. Please."
She hesitated slightly, feeling dizzy and confused, "Elliot…"
He smiled sheepishly, "Please Liv? Please?"
Damn him, she thought. Like she could say no when he said it like that. Slowly, she slid into the booth, her hands resting in her lap to hide the shaking. She saw the way he let out a sigh of relief, clearly thinking she may still turn and walk out and maybe she should have. Suddenly plates were placed in front of them and she was even more confused, she hadn't ordered. But then she smiled, of course he knew her order. And she knew his. They'd share them of course, and he carefully arranged them side by side so they could both pick at each other's plates just like they'd always done all those years ago.
"So…" He whispered, reaching for a fry, "How was your day?"
Shifting in her seat she reached for the ketchup beside the window, "Interesting…"
He raised an eyebrow, smirked in that way that she could pretend she hated but she actually loved, "Really? Good case?"
She rolled her eyes, "No…"
He dipped another fry in the ketchup and spoke again, "Kind of day that's full of surprises?"
She sighed and leaned back in her seat, "Elliot…what is-"
He shook his head, his eyes softening not ready to go there just yet, "Not yet Liv…not yet."
She frowned and slid her hands along the top of the table, "But-"
"We will." He whispered, "I'll answer all your questions because that's what you deserve." When she didn't move, didn't speak, he reached out and placed his hand over hers, "But right now…I just want to have dinner with my best friend. Is that okay?" He swallowed hard and whispered, "Please tell me that's okay…"
She looked down at his hand over hers, and saw the way that his fingers traced circles along the inside of her wrist. She knew he could feel her pulse pounding, knowing he was the reason for it. Slowly, she lifted her eyes back up to him and nodded, "Okay…"
He squeezed her arm gently and pulled his hand back, "Okay."
They sat there in silence for a moment, neither of them quite knowing what to say just yet. But then she decided to break the tension, try and make him smile. Reaching for her napkin she asked, "Bernie, have a hot date tonight?"
He groaned but was thankful for the distraction, "She had a lunch date and a dinner date…"
"Go Bernie." Olivia said with a laugh, "I love a woman who goes after what she wants."
"Me too." He whispered, staring right at her and her breath caught in her throat, "And I decided I wanted to be more like that…go after what I want. What I've always wanted…"
Her hand fell to her lap again and she blushed even more, "El…"
He smiled and picked up his water glass, "Eat your dinner Benson…"
She swallowed the lump in her throat and for the first time in her life thought that maybe Valentine's Day wasn't so bad after all…
An hour later, they were both done with dinner but the conversation was flowing. It was easy, just like it had always been easy back then when they were partners. For the first time since he was back, it seemed like all that awkwardness was gone. Seemed like they were right back in the roles they once filled.
"You're so full of shit." Olivia said with a deep laugh, "That never happened." She tossed a straw wrapper at him as the waitress placed two milkshakes in front of them.
"Yes it did!" He said with a laugh as he caught the rolled up laler, "It happened and you know it."
Olivia hung her head and laughed harder, "How did I never know about this?"
Elliot laughed, "To be fair it happened the year before you joined the squad…and John swore me to secrecy."
She glared at him, "Some partner you were. I should have heard that story. That's a visual I'd like to have known about. John proposing to wife number four in the middle of a protest…shirtless. God I miss him…"
Elliot laughed and reached for his milkshake, "Me too…"
Olivia's heart started to pound a bit harder, "You haven't seen him since you've been back?"
Elliot shook his head, "He uh…reached out. A lot of people reached out after Kathy…" He cleared his head and took a quick sip of his own milkshake, the cold hitting him like hard, he grimaced, "It's just…it's been hard."
They were moving closer to that dangerous conversation and she fidgeted in her seat, "You were gone a long time…"
Elliot held onto the glass in his hands, trying to ground himself, "Too long…"
Sucking in her lower lip she whispered, "You did what you thought was right El." He just stared at her and she frowned, "For your family."
"My family…" He whispered, "I tore my family apart…" He sighed softly, "I wasn't myself…after J-" He couldn't say her name but he didn't have to, she knew, "I was an asshole. More than usual. The kids were tired of it…Kathy was tired of it."
She chewed on her lip thoughtfully, "El…I would have been there for you. Helped you. I called…"
"I know." He whispered, "But I told you…I was afraid if I heard your voice I wouldn't be able to leave."
Tears welled in her eyes, "Maybe that wouldn't have been such a bad thing."
He shook his head, "Liv…I would have gotten worse. I would have done something…terrible. I wouldn't have been able to protect you, be the partner you needed. I thought it was better to just…"
"Walk away." She whispered and he stopped talking, "Like everyone else in my life."
Leaning forward he frowned, "I will never, ever be able to apologize enough Liv."
Taking another sip of her milkshake she sighed, "It's getting late…I should really go."
She started to stand up and he knew he was losing her, again. He reached out, grabbed her arm and she tensed, "Wait."
Quickly, she extracted her arm from his grasp, "Don't do that."
His hand dropped down and he swallowed hard. Her eyes were hard, dark and he knew he'd crossed some sort of line. And once again he wondered about those ten years he was gone. How much had he missed? He dropped his hand and pressed it firmly into the table, "Sorry. I'm sorry…I just uh….please don't go."
She sighed and tapped her fingers along the table, close to his hand, "Elliot what do you want from me?"
He took a few steadying breaths and then pushed himself out of the booth, "Just…a little more time. Please?" She just stared at him, and he couldn't blame her for being hesitant, "Look…can I at least take you home?"
She narrowed her eyes at him, "I have my car here…"
"Can I follow you home then?" He asked and she still just stared at him, "I have one more thing…I just-"
She reached for her bag and slipped it over her shoulder, "Fine. But…you can't stay. Noah-"
"I know." He said with a nod, "I know. He's at the Valentine's event. But he'll be back later." She looked confused and he smiled, "I actually do listen when you talk Benson…you told me last week."
Her cheeks flushed and she sighed, gripping her bag tighter, "Okay…"
Reaching out she picked up her coat, "Let me pay up front and then we can head out?"
She reached for her wallet, "We can split-"
He put his hand over hers and shook his head, "Don't even try it…" Leaning forward he whispered, "It's on me…"
Stepping back she slipped on her coat and whispered, "I'll just meet you there?"
"Just hang on a second." She looked back at him expectantly, "Maybe I want to make sure you don't take off without me." He teased.
She blushed again but followed him towards the front desk so he could pay. He kept getting closer to her, and for some reason she wasn't pulling away. There were so many questions, so many things she wanted to say, to ask. He placed the rose he'd given her earlier back in her hand and nodded towards the door when he was ready, "Let's go."
She followed him out the door, clutching the rose in her hand, "I'm parked over here."
He smiled sheepishly and whispered, "I uh…I actually don't have my car."
She narrowed her eyes at him and whispered, "Convenient…"
He shrugged innocently, "Again…just making sure you didn't take off without me."
She huffed and looked towards her car, "I could leave you here…"
He stepped closer to her, his voice dropping down an octave and he whispered, "But you won't."
Her heart was pounding in her chest, her skin flushing. She wanted him. God she wanted him. How was it possible to still want him after all this time? He was watching her, his eyes looking through her just like they always had. There was something about this man. He was dangerous and exciting. He made her feel things that she'd never felt before. Made her want for more. But he also had caused her pain she never would have been able to experience. Looking down, she felt the emotion coursing through her. He sensed the shift in her and he took another step forward, "Liv…"
She should tell him to leave. Should tell him to go to hell. She should walk away. But she didn't want to. Slowly, she took her keys out of the bag, spun them in her hand and then looked up at him. He waited, trying to read her expression and she slowly handed him the key ring, "You drive."
Elliot smiled, his heart racing, knowing he had an in. He still had work to do, but he had an in. His hand closed around hers, her eyes fluttered down to his fingers wrapped around hers. She gasped as he pulled her hand closer, her eyes wide as she watched him press a kiss to the back of her hand. She felt tears welling in her eyes, she felt like she had stopped breathing. He dropped their hands, but he never let go, walking her towards the car, "Come on."
She threaded her fingers with his, still unsure of what to make of all this. But all she knew was that she didn't want him to let go. He opened the door, stood back and smiled at her. She smiled nervously and climbed in, still not saying a word. Carefully she gathered the roses she'd been keeping on the passenger seat in her lap. She caught Elliot's eyes once more and he winked as she placed the twenty-second rose in the bundle. Closing the door he walked around to the driver side and climbed in. He looked lighter than she'd seen since he'd been back and it brought her hope, yet fear still prickled in the back of her mind.
As he pulled out of the parking lot, he reached for her hand again and she held her breath as he tangled their fingers together. Just like she'd done when they'd gone to find Eli. That seemed like so long ago. Christmas dinner had never happened, for so many reasons. And maybe, just maybe this was a do over. He was humming to himself as he drove and she suddenly felt twenty years younger, driving along with her partner on their way to solve some case. But those two people were long gone, and she was a different woman. He too was a different man.
She was so lost in thought she didn't realize they were at her apartment until he opened the door for her, "Liv?"
Her head snapped towards him, "Oh. Sorry…"
He held his hand out to her, "Did I lose you?"
She wanted to say yes. Wanted to say she'd lost him when he'd walked away. Just like she'd felt she'd lost him. And yet, he still held her heart. Still knew her better than anyone, even without knowing about the last ten years of her life. He could still read her like a book. She knew he was doing just that right now. He was waiting, letting her process. Slowly, she reached forward and placed her hand in his and felt the warmth of his fingers fill her body. "No. I'm still here…"
His smile grew and he helped her up onto the sidewalk, "Good. That's good…"
He held her hand tight just as he'd done on the way out of the Diner. She held the roses to her chest, unsure what was going to happen once they got to her apartment. So many emotions were filling her chest and she was starting to feel overwhelmed again. They didn't speak as they walked towards the elevator and for some reason, she began to have a memory of a Valentine's Day with Brian after Elliot was gone…
February 14th 2013
It had been a crappy day, a very crappy day. She couldn't wait to take a long shower or bath and curl up in bed. She was annoyed. It was Valentine's Day and she hadn't even heard from Brian. She knew he was at work but she thought maybe, just maybe she'd hear from him. Just then, a hand shot out, stopping the elevator and she looked up, startled to see her boyfriend, "Brian."
"Hey." He walked in, leaned towards her and kissed her lips, "Fin said you were on your way home. Thought I'd catch ya."
She smiled and pressed the button to her floor, "I'm glad you did."
He settled in beside her and she was beginning to wonder if this was all a big plan, was she walking upstairs to some big romantic gesture? The kind she'd always heard about but never experienced, "Man, what a day. I am exhausted…"
Turning to look at him she smiled, "Yeah…it was a rough day. Lots of idiots out there it seemed…lovers quarrels."
He snorted and yawned as the doors opened, "Lovers quarrels…good one."
She frowned as she watched him walk towards her door, "Did you eat?"
He looked back at her and nodded, "Yeah. Grabbed a sub on the way here. You?"
Irritation began to fill her chest, "No. I haven't."
He shrugged and leaned against the wall, "Order something and I'll pick at it later I'm sure." He smirked, "If I can stay, that is."
Slowly, she inserted the key into the lock and pushed the door open. Maybe he was joking, just trying to rile her up. Carefully, she pushed the door open and glanced around but it looked exactly as she had left it this morning. Dropping the keys down on the table beside the door she felt him push past her, "I have to pee."
She watched him walk towards the bathroom, still in disbelief. Looking down she saw the card she'd picked up for him. Picking it up, she ran her fingers over the line of the envelope. Walking towards the bedroom, she wondered, maybe there was something in the bedroom, roses scattered on the bed, candles.
Nothing.
Sighing, she kicked off her shoes and slammed the car down on the dresser. The door was open in the bathroom and she rolled her eyes again, he didn't even bother to shut the door. Oh yes, the romance was far gone at this point. She tried to keep calm. Tried to not make this into a big deal, but quite frankly, a little effort would be nice. Nothing big, just something small to say he cared.
Walking into the bedroom, he plopped down on the bed and groaned, "I could sleep for hours."
Turning to look at him she leaned against the dresser, just staring at him, irritation soon turning to fury. Looking at her, he frowned and asked, "What's wrong?"
Her eyes got wider and she just stared at him, "Really?"
Leaning up on his elbows he asked, "Seriously, what the hell is wrong?"
She laughed softly and shook her head, pulling at her earrings, "Nothing Brian. Absolutely nothing."
She turned walking towards the bathroom, wanting to change but sure as hell not wanting to do it in front of him. Grabbing her clothes she stormed into the bathroom. She heard him walking towards the door, "What did I do?"
She laughed to herself, "Nothing."
"Nothing. Yet you're pissed about something." He huffed, "It would be a lot easier if you just told me what the hell the issue was. Then I could at least try and fix it…though I didn't think I did anything."
Ripping the door opened she walked towards her dresser again having forgotten socks, "Brian, go home. I'm not in the mood."
He followed her, his eyes falling on the card on her dresser, "Is this for me?"
Looking over at him she frowned, "Brian…"
And then he grimaced, "Ah…it's a Valentine's day thing…"
Her head snapped up and she shrugged, "I know we work a lot and sometimes we lose track of time…but yeah it's Valentine's Day."
He shrugged and nodded his head, "I'm aware."
Her mouth hung open for a moment and she spoke softly, "So…you knew it was Valentine's Day?" He nodded, "I gotta tell you…it would have made me feel a lot better if you had at least told me you didn't know what day it was."
He sighed and picked up the card, "I just didn't peg you for a girl who cared about all that crap…"
That irritated her more, "You're really digging a hole here Brian…"
"What you want me to go out and shower you with gifts? Flowers? Chocolates?" He rolled his eyes, "Fine. I'll go get some now. You're just not usually a fussy or super girly girl, so I assumed I didn't need to do it."
She shook her head and slammed her hand down, "Brian I don't need a grand gesture, just a little effort would be nice. A card, an acknowledgement of something, that
we are something. That I mean something to you."
He just stood there, "Okay…I'll go get a card."
"No." She said with a laugh, "God please don't."
He rolled his eyes and stepped back, "Well what the hell do you want Olivia? You want a Valentine card or not? Am I supposed to take you to dinner or-"
"You're just supposed to care!" She yelled slamming into the dresser, the top drawer was open it clattered to the ground, falling off its hinges. "Damn it…"
He watched her knee down and began to pick up different items. There was one item, a book that he couldn't quite place. What he noticed more though was that something was sticking out of it. Kneeling down, he reached for the notebook, "What's this?"
Her head snapped up and she went to reach for it, "Give me that."
But he held it away from her, and when he opened the book and inside was a pressed rose. A single red rose and he frowned, "Looks like someone already gave you one…"
She reached out, grabbing it from him, her heart pounding, pain filling her chest, "It's not…"
"An old boyfriend." He said with an irritated smile and when she grimaced, somehow he knew, "An old partner…"
Her eyes closed tightly, "Brian…"
He shook his head and stepped back, "He's gone…and he's still my number one competition just like he was back then."
Slamming the book back into her dresser she walked towards the bedroom door, "I think you should go."
"He's not coming back." Brian growled, "He chose his wife and his family. He was never going to choose you."
She looked up at him, lip quivering, "Go home Brian."
He looked down at the card she'd gotten for him and frowned, "Maybe I didn't get you anything because I knew you'd never let me in anyway…you'll never let anyone in because you love him. You'll always love him."
"Get out." She whimpered, he just stared at her and she pointed towards the door, "I said get out!"
He didn't hesitate, turned and stormed out of her room and quickly out of her apartment. He slammed the door behind him and she jumped, sliding down the wall and pressing her head into her hands. She was angry, but more with herself because Brian was right. She was always going to love Elliot Stabler but he was never going to love her…
As they walked towards her apartment, she knew she was lost in thought again. Could feel him watching her, could sense his own anxiousness. She glanced over at him and he smiled nervously, she blushed and quickly turned away. Don't go into this with expectations she told herself. He's just walking you to your door. He's just saying goodnight.
Her hand was held over the doorknob, and she couldn't seem to open it. "Liv?" She didn't move and he frowned, "Are you okay?"
She'd told Brian she needed a gesture, effort but was that true? What did she want right now? What did she need from Elliot? She swallowed hard and told herself to get it together. Tuning the lock in the key, she pushed the door open and was about to say something but her breath caught in her throat, "Oh my God."
She heard him shuffling behind her, felt him push her towards the door, "Had a little help with this part…"
She stepped into the apartment now littered with candles, and on the coffee table there was another rose, "Elliot…"
"Amanda and Carisi…" He whispered, "She gave me a very stern talking too…" Olivia looked at him, tears in her eyes, "They stopped by on their way out for the night."
Her hands shook as she walked further into the room, "What…what is all this?"
She heard him close the door behind her, and heard him clear his throat nervously. He walked behind her, his hand settling on her back again leading her towards the living room, "It's me…fighting for what I want."
She looked over at him, wide eyed, tears ready to spill over the edges. She remembered that last Valentine's Day when he'd given her that rose. That rose that Brian had found. That rose that was still pressed between the book, hidden away in her drawer now. He'd given her that rose and said,"He's an idiot…and he should fight for you. Because you're worth it."
Lifting her hand, she wiped the tears away from the corner of her eyes, "El I…I just…"
He shook his head, walked towards the table and picked up the last rose, "Twenty-three…"
She clutched the rest of the flowers to her chest, "It probably would have been easier to give me a full two dozen from the start…" She teased, "Would have been less time consuming for you."
He shook his head, "You aren't getting twenty-four. You're getting exactly twenty-three." He added the rose to her pile and she frowned, shrugging he whispered, "Maybe next year you'll get two dozen…And the year after that twenty-five. And the year after that-"
"Elliot…" She held all of the roses to her chest, "I don't understand…what-"
Reaching out, he adjusted the bouquet, then sheepishly lifted his hand, brushing her hair out of her face, "Twenty-three roses. One rose for every year that I have loved you…"
She gasped quickly and her hands tightened around the bouquet, "Elliot…"
He sighed and felt tears brimming in his own eyes, "I've loved you for twenty-three years Olivia. I could lie and say I didn't…but I did."
She looked down at the bouquet, "I…I don't know what to say."
"The pink ones towards the end…represent the ten years that I was gone. The time I desperately wish I could take back." He whispered, "But I can't. All I can do is stand here and hope that maybe…just maybe you'll want another rose added next year. And the year after that." She looked away from him, turning her body and his heart started pounding, he felt like he was losing her, "Liv…please just-"
"The roses…the candles." Her head was spinning, "Elliot…this is a lot. A hell of a lot and…"
"I was just trying to…" He sighed and watched her pace the room, "I don't know, let my actions speak? This kind of stuff is hard for me…" He looked towards the table, "There's chocolates and-"
"I don't-" She slammed the flowers down harder than she meant and the tears came, "Damn it Elliot I don't need a romantic gesture…or all this stuff…I don't want it."
He stood up a little straighter, fear pulling at his chest, "Olivia…"
"I don't want this." She said quickly, "Damn it Elliot I don't want this…all of this I don't need it."
He swallowed hard and stood up straighter, "Okay…well what…what can I do-"
"I just need to know you aren't going to disappear." She cried out to him, tears streaming down her face, "I need to know I can trust you. I need to know that I mean something to you…that I'm not just some person in your life that you can toss aside like trash. That I can't be replaced that-that-that you won't leave me again because I'm terrified of that."
He saw it then, the walls crumbling and the weight of how much he'd hurt her settling between them. Taking a step towards her, he reached out, but as soon as he touched her arm she pulled it away, "Olivia-"
"I can't do this." She turned and quickly walked towards her room, moving so fast that he felt the rush of air push him back.
He knew better than to follow her. He heard the door slam, heard her shuffling around in her bedroom. And he heard it…her crying. She continued crying. In all the time he'd spent away, part of him hoped that she had just forgotten about him. That she'd just moved on. That he meant less to her than he thought because he hated thinking about how badly he had hurt her. But here it was, the evidence that he had shattered her heart, broken her trust, abandoned her and hurt her in a way that no one else ever had.
He knew there was a chance that this wouldn't go over well and he couldn't blame her. He just hoped, maybe it would soften her slightly, allow him time to come in. But he understood what she was saying. It wasn't roses or candles, chocolate or dinner that she needed. It was him. It was him finally being here. Not hiding from his feelings, not running to other women for comfort. It was holding her, standing tall, not turning away from her when she needed him, even when she tried to push him away.
So he took a deep breath, and he sat down on the couch. And he waited. She expected him to leave, but he wasn't going anywhere. He'd sit here all night if he needed to. Wouldn't move from this spot until she came back out. He'd let her yell. Let her scream. Throw every damn rose at him if it made her feel better. He'd take anything she threw at him literally and figuratively because he deserved it. God he deserved it.
Hanging his head, he tried to think of what he could say to her that could make her see but he realized there wasn't anything. It was going to be a long road of doing just what he was doing right now. Waiting, being patient, proving that he wasn't going anywhere no matter what. With Kathy it had been easy, they'd yell, he'd buy her chocolates or a card and she'd laugh and all would be forgiven. But it wasn't going to be that easy. Nothing with Olivia was ever easy and he knew that was because what they had was deep and real.
What they had was more than what he'd shared with his wife. Twenty three years was a long time to be in love with someone and not be able to do anything about it. But he sure as hell was gonna do something about it now. No matter how long it took.
He wasn't sure how long he had been sitting there, but it felt like quite a while. He had a kink in his neck and when the door opened and his head snapped up, he heard the crack, "Ow."
She jumped, looking over at him, her eyes swollen with tears, but shock clearly written all over her face. Her hand pressed into her belly and she tried to breathe. He was confused at first but then he understood. She had expected him to leave. Assumed she'd walk out and he'd gone, again. She hadn't expected him to stay.
She was quiet as he watched her, thinking hard and then she whispered, "You're still here…"
Pressing his hands into his knees, he nodded slowly and pushed himself off the couch, "I'm still here Liv…" He walked slowly towards her, trying to read her expression but for the first time in his life he couldn't seem to figure out what she was thinking or feeling. "Olivia-"
But he was cut off quickly, and he felt her pressed against him, her hands on either side of his face, pulling him as close as possible. And maybe he should have pushed her away, but he couldn't. Because she was kissing him and after twenty-three years of wanting, wishing, praying for this moment, he couldn't for the life of him stop it even if he tried. He moaned into her mouth as she wrapped her arms around him, and his hand instinctively fell to her hips, "Liv…"
Suddenly they were moving backwards towards her room and everything seemed to be spinning for both of them. But rather than spinning out of control, it felt like things were finally clicking into place. They were pulling at each other's clothes, not waiting, not hesitating, moving together like they'd done this a million times. He had to smile to himself as he felt her lips on his neck, of course it was easy. While the emotions and the feelings had been difficult, sometimes downright painful, they worked together so fucking well. They always had. And this clearly wasn't going to be any different.
He ripped at her blouse, pulling it off, buttons ripping and she glared at him, "I liked this shirt!"
He tossed it to the floor and smiled, "I'll get you a new one."
She sighed, reaching for him and ripping his buttons off too, just to prove a point, "I told you that I don't want you to buy me things…don't need grand gestures."
He lifted her, her legs wrapped tight around his waist and he began to slowly lower her down on the bed, "No…you said you needed me to be here. To not leave…"
Her hand slid down his chest, pressing her hand over his heart, "You're here…"
Looking down at her, he leaned in and kissed her lips softly, never breaking eye contact, "I'm here Liv. And I swear to you…I'm never leaving again." Tears brimmed in her eyes and again and he leaned forward, kissing them away, "And if you need me to keep proving that…I'll do just that. I'll be here…everyday Liv. Every single day even when you push me away."
She clung to him, her fingers digging into the back of his neck, "Elliot…"
His kisses started to lower until they pressed against the top of her bra, "I couldn't leave you again if I tried." He pressed his lips to her heart and she whimpered, "Even when I was gone…you still had me Liv."
Her fingers trailed down his spine and she whispered, "It will always be you and I…"
Lifting his head, he locked eyes with her and swallowed the lump in his throat. She was quoting his letter, the one part that he'd written and he nodded, his voice raw and scared, but also honest and ready, "It will always be you and I."
She reached for him again, pulling him back up towards her, "Come here."
He crawled up over her again, running his fingers along the side of her face he whispered, "I love you…"
Her index finger traced the slope of his jaw, "For twenty-three years…"
Biting his lip he stared down at her, "I meant that Olivia…"
"I know." She whispered, her hands sliding down towards his jeans, tugging on his belt, "The roses were beautiful…"
Kissing her again he whispered, "Liv…"
She rolled him slightly and he smiled as they both began to pull at the rest of their clothes, never taking their eyes off of each other. He lay beside her, just taking in this moment, wanting to commit it all to memory. He wanted her to take this at her pace, wanted her to know that he'd wait as long as she needed. Slowly, she leaned forward and pressed her lips to his, "You're here…" She whispered again.
Once more, he rolled over her, her legs parted, opening herself to him. His hand settled on her hip, his fingers rubbing her smooth skin gently, "I'm here…"
Touching his lower lip, she trailed her hand down his chest, she felt his heart under her fingers, felt him inhale sharply as she pressed her fingers into his abs, moving lower and lower. Her hand wrapped around him and he leaned forward, pressing his forehead against hers, "Liv…"
She smiled, suddenly not feeling shy, or unsure, just needing him, "Show me…"
Pressing a kiss to her lips he whispered her name again, "Olivia…"
"Show me how much you have loved me, wanted me for twenty-three years." She whispered, rolling her hips so the tip of him pressed against hers, "Because I've loved you…I've wanted you…"
He held his breath, rocking forward and he gasped, realizing she was saying she loved him for the first time ever, "Liv…"
"For twenty-three years." She whispered, tears welling in her eyes again, "I have loved you for twenty-three years Elliot Stabler…and that scares the hell out of me."
He kissed her softly, and smiled, "Scares the hell out of me too…" He sighed and pushed forward again, entering her slowly and she shivered, "So let's be scared together…"
She laughed nervously, sliding her hands under his arms, digging her fingers into his back, "Together…"
He looked at her once more, waiting for that final assurance. And he saw it, she was with him. He was here. With her and they were doing this. His fingers dug into her hip again and he sucked in his bottom lip, thrusting forward hard and fast. She cried out, her nails digging into his back as he filled her completely, "Liv…"
"Yes…" She sighed, pulling him closer, "Yes Elliot…please…"
His hand slid down her warm, pulling it from her spot on his back and he held it between them as he slammed his hips forward again and again, "I love you."
She squeezed his fingers tightly, holding their hands between her body, "Oh God…"
He leaned down, pressing his lips to hers in a bruising kiss, "I love you and I'm here. God I'm here…I'm right here."
Her body shook as she held onto him, she hadn't allowed herself to be this free, this sure in years. He always brought a different side out of her, and for ten years it had been hidden from the world, but here in his arms, she was with him, part of her she'd felt she lost was slowly falling back into place. He pushed forward again, deeper, and she gasped, "Elliot!"
His lips pressed against her pulse point and he moved loser and lower, "Fuck Liv…"
He still held her hand firmly in his, but he moved it, holding it above her head as he wrapped his lips around her nipple. "Shit…"
He groaned, pulling as much of her breast as he could into his mouth as they moved together. Sweat sliding down his back, his muscles aching as he thrust again and again, desperate to bring her over the edge, "Olivia…Olivia…Olivia…"
She whimpered, her free hand massaging the back of his neck, "El…I-I-"
He lifted his face again, hunching over her as he fucked into her, "Come on baby…let go."
Her mouth hung open and her head fell back against the pillow as he bottomed out, "Fuck…"
He smiled, biting down on her neck, "That's it…come for me Olivia."
Her legs shook as it began to build, "Right-right there. Please El…"
He pulled back, slamming forward again, her legs clenched around him tighter, pulling him further into her, "Fuck Liv…"
She clamped down around him, "Elliot!"
He grunted, leaning forward and pressing his lips to her neck, not ready for this to be over yet, "Liv…"
He let her breathe, thrusting slowly. Her fingers trailed up and down his back, "Elliot…"
Smiling, he brushed her hair out of her face, "You okay?"
She smiled and pressed her fingers against his cheek, "Yes…" Leaning forward she kissed him again, "More than."
Before he could process what was happening, she was rolling them and his back fell hard against the mattress, "Liv…"
She smiled and shook her head, leaning over him, rocking her hips against him, "Twenty-three years…"
His hands settled on her hips and he slowly helped her move over him, "Twenty-three years…"
Holding his face between her hands, she tossed her hair to the side and sighed against his lips, "Let's not waste another twenty-three years okay?"
He laughed, holding her tighter, "No. Let's definitely not do that…"
She leaned backwards slightly, placing one of her hands on knees behind her as she rode him slowly. Her head fell back slightly and he she sighed, "Fuck El…you feel so good."
His hand pressed against her lips and she swirled her tongue around the tip of his index finger. He smiled, and then slowly slid it from her mouth, along her neck, and down her chest. It was then that she remembered, when his fingers brushed over one of her scars and she held her breath. She hadn't told him, they'd neve had that conversation. She knew he saw them, but he didn't stop. He still wanted her.
Swallowing hard, she looked down at him, "El…"
He locked eyes with hers, knowing there was a story, a story that was going to break him but she needed him to be here, beside her, to know that he loved her no matter what, "I love you…"
She bit down hard on her lip, feeling her whole body tense but he sat up slowly, pulling her closer, "Elliot…"
He moved his hands to her hips, wrapping her legs around him as he moved with her, "I'm here Liv…"
And she knew he meant that, that it hadn't scared him away, that when she told him the truth, the whole truth that wouldn't scare him away either. She had needed him here. And he was here. He wasn't leaving, not now, not ever again. He held her hand against their chests again, holding it between them as they moved. She moved slowly but he was right with her, just as he always had been, "I love you…God I love you."
He used his free hand to wipe away her tears and he smiled, "I love you too…"
He pushed forward again, hitting a new angle and her head fell back once more as she cried out into the night. He pressed his lips to her pulse point again, his teeth scraping across her skin. He felt her body beginning to unravel again and he knew that this time he'd be right with her. "El…fuck El…"
He growled against her neck, pulling her down onto his cock again, "Liv…I'm…I'm gonna-"
She smiled wrapping her fingers around the back of his neck, "I want to feel you…all of you…"
He tensed slightly, feeling his body react to her words and he let out a shaky breath, "Olivia…"
Her smile grew and she rolled her hips harder as he came inside of her, the warmth of him, the feel of him pressed against her sending her over the edge again, "Yes!"
He was breathing heavy, his body spasming, his muscles straining, "Fuck…"
She took a few steadying breaths, leaning forward she kissed him on the lips, his cheeks and his nose, "I love you…God I love you."
He sighed and pulled her closer, not wanting to let go, "Can we do that again?" She laughed, her body shaking, the vibrations coursing through his body, making him want her desperately again, "Like really soon?"
She sighed and leaned back, "Yes…absolutely." She sighed and looked back at the clock, "Except…not tonight."
Slowly, he rolled her to the side and lay her down next to him, "I don't want to leave…"
Tears welled in her eyes again and she scooted closer, wrapping her leg around his waist, "Elliot…"
"I know." He sighed and pulled her closer, pressing his lips to the top of her head, "I know…it's just going to be really hard to walk away tonight."
Holding him tight she whispered, "It's going to be hard to let you go…"
They were quiet for a few moments, both taking in this moment, trying to wrap their minds about all that had transpired today. Reaching for her hand, he kissed her palm and then the back of her hand as he turned it, pressing it against his chest, flattening it over his heart, With his other hand, he ran his fingers through her wavy hair, "I'm not going to leave you…this wasn't a one time thing for me Benson."
Staring up at him, she nuzzled closer, kissing his jaw gently, "You promised me two dozen roses next year…I'm holding you to that."
He laughed, a deep, real, happy laugh that he hadn't felt in years, "I thought you didn't need all that…"
Rolling over him, she smiled and graced the side of her face with her finger, "I don't…but the fact that you cared enough…that you wanted…" She swallowed the lump in her throat and leaned down to kiss him again, "Twenty-three roses…" She smiled, her cheeks blushing, "Technically there are twenty-four roses from you in this apartment…"
He frowned, adjusting his head on the pillow, "I know I only got twenty-three."
Untangling her body from his, she wrapped the sheet around herself and slowly walked towards her dresser. She heard him rustling around on the bed as he sat up, watching her carefully. He heard the drawer open and watched as she pulled something from the back of it. Slowly, she walked towards him, crawled up on the bed and held out a small book. He looked confused and she shrugged, "Open it…"
Carefully, he opened the front cover and inside there was a single rose. The color faded from time, but still intact. He held his breath and she whispered, "It was the last one you gave me…the first red one." She chewed on her lip softly, "I don't know why I kept it…but I did. And then after you left…I was so afraid to let it go. So I kept it in that book…never looked at it really. Just knowing it was there…made me feel like you were still here."
Closing the book he reached for her, "God Liv…I…" He felt her wrap herself around him again and he didn't try to hide his tears, 'I'm so…so sor-
She shook her head and kissed her way across his cheek, "I know. I know…" His fingers held tight to her and she sniffled slightly, "I know there is so much more we need to figure out…" His hands traveled down her body as the sheet fell and she held her breath as he touched one of her scars, "So many things we both need to tell each other…"
He frowned and leaned closer to her, "I'm here Liv…"
"That's all I needed…" She whispered as he wiped away her tears, his thumb sliding across her cheek, "I just needed to know you were here…that you'll be here."
Pulling her back down on the bed, she wrapped herself around him once again, "I'm not going anywhere Benson…not till you get sick of me."
She smiled against the crook of his neck and sighed, "Twenty-three years…" She whispered, "Twenty-three years Stabler…"
He laughed knowing that was her way of telling him she wasn't going to get sick of him, didn't want him to go anywhere and he sure as hell wasn't going anywhere.
Later that night, he'd gone home though it was hard to let him go. But she wasn't ready to have this conversation with Noah yet. And there were still things to figure out. She was happy, it had been a whirlwind of a day but she was happy. Very, very happy. As she tucked Noah into bed she kissed his cheek and started to walk towards the door, "Mom?"
Turning to look at him she held her hand above the light switch, "Yeah bud?"
"Those were pretty roses." He spoke softly but she heard him and the smile grew on her face, "Must have been at least two dozen!"
Olivia smiled, her fingers wrapping around the doorframe, "Not quite…maybe next year." Flipping the light off she whispered, "Goodnight Noah…"
"Night Mom." He whispered back, a knowing smile on his face.
Sighing, she walked out into the living room and found the twenty-three roses in the vase where she'd put them before Elliot had left. Lifting it, she placed it down on the coffee table and stared at it, thirteen dark red roses and ten pink. Reaching for her phone, she dialed his number and waited, it barely rang once before he answered, "Well hello Ms. Benson…"
She held her breath and pulled her legs up to her chest, "Bernie home yet?"
He groaned and she heard him settling into his bed, "Got home a few minutes ago…but only after I dragged her inside."
"You did not." She said with a deep laugh, "Elliot…oh my God…you did not."
"Of course I didn't. She would have killed me." He sighed again and then said, "But I did make a bunch of noise that startled them until she came inside…"
She sighed and reached out, touching one of the roses in front of her, "You're the worst…"
"Exactly what she said." He said with a sigh, "And then she asked if I'd pulled my head out of my ass…"
She laughed, reaching for her blanket as she tossed it over her legs, "I knew I always liked her…"
"She always liked you too…" He whispered softly, "She told me you know…" He heard her inhale sharply, "How you looked out for her when I was gone…"
Her cheeks flushed and she whispered his name, "El…"
"You're a hell of a woman Olivia Benson…and I sure as hell don't deserve you." He whispered.
Pulling one of the roses from the bouquet, she closed her eyes and inhaled slowly, the sweet scent filling her body making her feel like he was still right beside her, "I told you…I'm holding out for those twenty-four roses next year."
"If this tradition continues…you're gonna end up with a lot of roses each year Benson." He whispered.
She held the rose to her chest and whispered, "That's what I'm counting on…"
And he knew she believed him when he said he was staying. That there would be twenty-four roses, and twenty-five and one for every year that he loved her from here on out. And if he had it his way, it would be forever. He wasn't leaving, and as long as she wanted him, he'd be right by her side. Right where he always belonged…