Author's note: ''denotes recalled conversation''

/denotes internal thoughts/.

Chapter 38: The morning after the night before…

Orianna P.O.V

Dry. So very dry and cotton ball like.

I smacked my lips together as I began to stir and immediately regretted moving. My head felt as though it was about to split in two and a wave of nausea washed over me causing me to almost dry reach. /What on earth? Why the hell do I feel…/.

Then it hit me. Flashes, moments, feelings. /The beach. Prime. Pain. The bar. Drinking. Lennox. Prime staring at me through a window. Anger. More pain. Vomiting out of Lennox's car/. All of it washed over me like an embarrassing cinematic replay of epic fails. I tentatively raised a hand to place it over my eyes and throbbing head and I allowed a laborious moan to break free from my lips as I wallowed in my own misery.

Stabs of searing pain radiated from my temple down my jaw and across my forehead. My eyes felt as though an entire sandpit had been thrown in them and, although I knew I was laying down in the bed, the room was spinning like one of those large wheels on a game show.

I groaned out loud in abject misery. ''Fuck! Why didn't you take some asprin or something before you came to bed you bloody idiot?'' Though I couldn't be too angry at myself. Afterall, I had somehow managed to get into my apartment after Lennox dropped me off, cleaned myself up and got myself to bed.

I slowly removed my arm from across my eyes and chanced opening my right eye to scan my bedside table for some form of relief. /Never again. I am never drinking again!/, the self pitying litany rolled around my foggy head. Spying half a glass of water and an opened packet of asprin within reach, I internally cheered (quietly), at such foresight in my drunken state and began to carefully reach for the items.

Until something occurred to me. It wasn't me who put them there…..

''Asprin! Comin' right up!''

''On the top shelf behind some expired cough mixture.''

My heart ceased beating and my blood froze as I was immediately assailed with memories of what happened after vomiting out of Lennox's car.

''Get your arse over here and stop being all weird. It's just me.''

''See, that wasn't so hard now, was it?''

''Wanting that doesn't make you bad, it makes you human.''

/Lennox came here! He was here, in this room, in this…/. I grabbed the sheets about me as I bolted upright, casting wild eyes towards the other side of the bed. I immediately regretted that decision as I dry reached and smacked my left hand over my mouth in a bid to stop myself being sick. My head, the bed, the room - was spinning horribly. /But I was alone/.

I reached out my right hand and fumbled with the packet of asprin, freeing three of them I smashed them in my mouth and downed the remainder of the water, waiting a moment to see if that was a bad idea. Though my stomach rumbled, and I fought a wave of nausea, I relaxed somewhat as I kept the medicine and water down.

Slowly, I sunk back against the mattress and pillows. Turning my head towards the other side of the bed, I cautiously reached out my left hand and lay it on the pillow beside me where Lennox must have lain only hours ago. I sighed out loud as I closed my eyes and brushed my fingers against the pillow. /He stayed because you asked him to, because you were so upset and so alone/.

I felt that familiar prickling sensation in my eyes as tears silently began to form and spill down my cheeks, pooling on my pillow and creating a salty taste in the corner of my mouth. I let them fall. I sniffed and felt my shoulders shake as I began to cry.

The oppressive silence of my room enveloped me as the thudding ache of my head seemed to keep time with the beating of my heart. For a moment I wondered how it could possibly still be beating. /It had been ripped out, torn apart, and broken into a million pieces by him/. A loud sob erupted from my lips, and I brought my other hand up to stifle the onslaught as I clutched at Lennox's pillow and rolled onto my side.

All at once my arm shot out and grabbed the pillow, hugging it close to me in a desperate embrace. I buried my face in the soft material. It faintly smelt of Lennox and I groaned out loud as tears continued to fall unchecked down my cheeks.

Only weeks ago, Prime had laid here and held me just as Lennox had last night. Prime had left while I slept and so too did Lennox. I cuddled closer to the pillow. I had dreamt of Prime laying in my bed beside me, holding me close. I had never really entertained the thought of Lennox being in my bed. And yet, right now, I wished he was.

I sniffed loudly and swiped at my tears. Though my headache had begun to recede, in its place was a blocked nose and swollen, red eyes from crying. My eyes fluttered open, and I looked at the empty side of the bed forlornly. /Optimus. Lennox/. The two ''men'' in my life were similar in some ways and yet so very different in a multitude of others. I cared deeply for them both, I needed them both, but I wanted – I LOVED – Optimus. /But he does NOT want or love you!/, came the harsh, mocking reply.

Beep, beep.

My phone vibrated on my bedside table next to me. Someone had just sent me a message. The thought was like an icy bucket of water thrown over me and I released the pillow immediately, rolling carefully onto my side to face the phone. My heart was hammering away in my chest, and I had to remind myself to breathe. /Could it be?… Would Prime be trying to../. I had subconsciously grabbed a handful of the bedsheets and was silently wringing them in my hands.

I lay there eyeing the device with suspicion and trepidation, watching the little light on the screen flash to let me know I had a message waiting to be read. It didn't care that the message waiting to be read could bring me undone, further catapulting me into an abyss of misery. It was just letting me know, in its own subtle way, that someone had something to say to me.

I blinked my eyes and licked my lips slowly as I moved gingerly to sit on the edge of my bed. For a moment, I sat. Simply adjusting to being upright and letting the room and its contents stop spinning. I swallowed nervously and placed a hand on my stomach as a loud grumble alerted me to the fact my body might indeed be ready to eat something to try and soak up all the alcohol I had ingested. /Something fatty, and oily, and deeply unhealthy/.

Beep. Beep.

The phone vibrated again, and all thoughts of food were abandoned. Whoever it was seemed to be getting impatient or desperate. /If they were that desperate OC, they'd likely ring you to make sure they got hold of you. Gees, think it through ya idiot!/. I exhaled and shook my head at my own stupidity. Taking a steadying breath, I reached a trembling hand for the phone, the message icon almost goading me.

''Holy shit!'' I swore out loud as I unlocked the screen, noting the time. ''It's bloody 3pm in the afternoon.'' I snorted incredulously as feelings of guilt and shame seemed to jostle for poll position. ''Maybe they're just checking to see if I am still alive.'' With a final sigh of resignation, I opened the message and felt the corners of my mouth curve into a smile. Some of the sadness and pain faded away as I saw who the messages were from.

/LENNOX!/.

I clicked on the first message and began to read.

To my Deere OC,

Sorry had 2 leave u this morning.

Some of us had 2 work.

Didn't want 2 wake u, but thought you

May have surfaced by now.

Remember; hydra8, asprin and rest.

I know it hurts OC, but you'll be okay.

Will try and speak with you later today.

Lennox xo

Once again, my eyes began to sting as fresh tears threatened to fall. However, these were not tears of sorrow and pain but rather gratitude and relief. I swiped at them to keep them at bay, and I chuckled as I sniffed the tears away and closed the message. ''Thanks Lennox. At least I know you care about me.''

I clicked on the second message and the smile on my face faltered.

P.S – You snore – badly!

''Or bloody not!'' I groaned out loud as I closed the message and dropped the phone on my bedside table in annoyance. I brought my hands to my face and rubbed slowly, trying to somehow give myself a clean slate for what remained of the day.

A hot flash of embarrassment consumed me knowing Lennox had laid in bed beside me this morning listening to me snore, and possibly watched me drool, likely pissing himself laughing at my expense. My hands dropped to my knees with a resounding slap, and I groaned in frustration and annoyance. I snorted derisively to myself. ''OC, you are rapidly running out of people you can look in the eye again without dying of mortification!''

My snort turned to a chuckle as I recalled his message greeting - ''To my Deere OC..'' Relisation dawned on me. /That bastard just referred to me as a bloody tractor!/. I wanted to be angry. I wanted to be furious with him and yet, all I could do was laugh. I sat on the edge of my bed, feeling like total shit – laughing.

For no reason other than it was a cathartic release of just about every emotion someone could feel, tears fell from my eyes and streamed down my face as I sat alone in my room and laughed. Something I had not expected to find myself doing today for a variety of reasons. I wasn't going to question it; I was just going to go with it. I was going to have to take each day as it came. /Hell! Each bloody moment/.

My laughter began to subside as a certain Autobot Commander's face flashed unbidden into my mind. I exhaled a shaky breath as I dabbed my tears away. Though I knew it was unlikely, and completely mean spirited of me, I just hoped that he might find some days tougher than others as he moved forward from the train wreck of last night.

As I rose to my feet, grabbed my phone, and padded silently towards the kitchen in search of greasy sustenance, a single, mocking thought snaked through my mind. /Why would he, when he never loved you?/.

I rifled through the junk drawer to find a takeaway menu that appealed to me. It's easy to get over someone you don't love. There are no feelings to try and ''switch off'' because you simply have none. My hand settled on the menu for ''Jake's Place.'' /Hamburger with the works here I come!/.

I sighed out loud as I dialed the number in my phone. ''I just wish I still didn't love him.''