Author's Note: Thanks to Kelly and Musical Medli for their continued support. So glad you are sticking around for the ride. It's about to get bumpier! As a token of my appreciation, here is one more chapter. Angst galore. Enjoy!

Chapter 44: Desperate

Prime P.O.V

Her mouth hung open and her eyes blinked rapidly at me as she processed the weight of that single word. I slowly reached out a hand towards her cheek. ''Or rather, what's happened between ''us.'' She gasped out loud as my hand gently cupped her cheek and a single tear tracked down her face.

For a moment, she leaned into my hand, her lips grazing against my palm. Heat coursed through me at the sensation and I stared intently at my hand on her face, her lips on my skin. My chest rose and fell as I exhaled deeply, more as a means to expel what I had kept bound inside me for several weeks rather than as a necessary function. ''Orianna. I need to exp…''

Orianna shook her head vigorously, as she took a step back away from my reach. She sent me a quick, tight lipped smile, ''No need to explain. You made it pretty clear how you felt that night Prime.''

'Orianna...'' I reached out towards her and began to close the distance between us once more. ''Please!''

Her smile faded as an unreadable expression settled on her face and she took another step away from my outstretched hand. ''Well, it was nice to see you again Prime.'' She flicked the briefest of smiles in my direction. ''But I better get going.'' She began to back up away from me, brushing her long locks behind her ears yet again as they danced about in the strengthening wind. ''Perhaps we might catch up again another time?''

''Orianna,'' I growled. ''Just talk to me! Please!'' My voice was thick with desperation and urgency, though I should feel neither. /I can't let her go again. I simply can't/. I practically lunged at her, trying to grab her shoulder and halt her retreat.

''I CAN'T!'' her face contorted in pain as she recoiled from me. It broke my spark to hear and see such a response, and for a moment an ugly, gaping silence stretched between us. ''I don't know how to speak to you Prime, not anymore...''

A sharp searing pain tore through my spark and I flinched at her words. /No... not you.../.

''Not when I still feel...'' She brought her hand up to stifle the words that threatened to tumble from her lips before she looked away, as if unable to bear the sight of me.

I chanced taking another step towards her, holding my hands out before me imploringly, begging her to stay. ''Orianna, please. Just tell me what I must do to make things right between us again,'' I had never felt so desperate. A Prime begging a human woman to show him the way forward, to tell him what to do. It was unheard of, but I didn't give a scrap.

''Don't you get it?'' Her voice held a modicum of reproach. ''You can do so many things Prime, but you can't fix THIS!'' Orianna yelled in frustration as she backed away yet again, increasing the physical distance between us. Her voice was filled with censure, ''You can't do what needs to be done to fix what has happened between us,'' she shook her head, as her lips curved into a sneer of self-loathing and her voice dropped to a low whisper as she hung her head in defeat. ''And I have no right to expect you to. It's not fair.''

''Will you not even let me try Orianna?'' My voice was low and rough as a cold, sinking feeling engulfed my spark and I felt her slipping away from me once more - perhaps for good.

Several tears fell from her eyes as she slowly shook her head. ''What for? I can not make you love me.'' Each word struck me like a physical blow and I briefly closed my eyes to endure the pain they inflicted. She made a small sobbing sound as she started to turn away from me. ''I'm so sorry Prime, but I need to go.'' My eyes flew open and my whole body tensed. ''Perhaps I shouldn't have come in the first place.'' The final words were spoken in such a low whisper as to almost be mistaken for an exhalation of breath.

Something deep inside me snapped. Growling out loud, I launched forward, grabbing her right arm and pulled her back towards me. Orianna gasped in shock as her body collided with mine. I grasped both of her shoulders tightly as my eyes swept over her form. Her eyes were filled with confusion, annoyance and what I now recognised to be desire. My eyes darted to her full lips and back to her eyes again. Her heart rate sped up, her system was flooded with adrenaline and her pupils were dilated as she gazed at me. /Orianna truly did want me/. Despite what I had done to her, despite her actions and words just now, this precious, beautiful soul in my arms wanted me above all others. The fact she was human….

''PRIME!'' Orianna's voice snapped me out of my thoughts as I maintained my vice like grip on her. She moved her hands to my chest, trying to shove me forcefully away, an angry scowl on her face. ''Let. Me. GO!''

I shook my head in defiance. ''No, I can not Orianna. I will not let you walk away from me again without the opportunity to explain how I feel.''

She closed her eyes as she retorted scathingly, ''But you DON'T feel anything towards me that's the..''

''DON'T I?'' I growled at her through gritted teeth as the strength of my emotions threatened to overwhelm me and a small voice, perhaps the remnants of my self control, echoed through my processor as I gazed down at her. /This is NOT how a Prime should act, not how I act/. Though I was mortified by my actions, I was beyond caring if it meant the woman before me would heed my words.

She cringed at the tone in my voice, at the dark look on my face as it loomed before hers. Her eyes held fear, but they also held longing as they swept over my face. ''Orianna, as a Prime there are certain expectations placed upon me by virtue of my title. I must appear to be measured, calm and in control at all times for my Autobots, and now for the humans who work alongside us...''

Orianna dared to scoff at me as she interjected tersely, ''Bloody hell Prime! Tell me something I don't know!''

I felt my fingers grasp her shoulders more forcefully as I bit back, ''Your absence in my life is slowly robbing me of the ability to maintain that appearance!'' Brown and gold flecked eyes widened as my words settled upon her, her mouth worked silently and I pressed my advantage. ''Orianna, though it was not my intention, you are never far from my thoughts or my spark.'' Tears began to freely roll down her cheeks, pooling at the corners of her lips as her shoulders shook.

I smiled softly at the woman before me, removing on of my hands from her shoulders to gently wipe at her tears. Sniffling, she brought her own hands up, wrapping them over my wrists and I bit back a hiss at the heat where our ''skin'' connected. I shook my head. ''A spark that feels so much lighter and filled with joy simply being near you Orianna, which is why I seek your company, a connection with you so often. You make me feel...''

Suddenly at a loss for words, I pulled her to me, a small groan escaping my lips as I felt her arms tentatively wrap around me. I placed my head on hers as I simply held her. /Primus please! How can this be wrong when it feels so good to hold her, to be held by her?/. I closed my eyes and drank deeply of her scent.

A voice, filled with both hesitation and need, muffled in my shirt, drifted up to me. ''Feel what Prime?'' Her eyes gazed up at me expectantly.

My deep voice rumbled in reply. ''That's just it Orianna. You make me feel. Make me want to feel. So you see, I am not incapable of being affected, of not feeling anything.'' I shook my head against hers. ''The thought of losing you, of not having you in my life, disturbs me greatly.''

Orianna looked up at me, shaking her head as her face crumpled in confusion and frustration. ''So - I simply make you feel.''

My brow furrowed as my spark sank. She was angry, not happy. /Why? I thought she would be pleased to hear how much I missed her, needed her/.

She scoffed at me as desire seemed to leech from her eyes, replaced with a cold and bitter look. ''I make you feel many things, except the one thing I want and need you to feel for me Prime.'' All at once she growled out loud as she shook her head angrily, ''You say one thing, and then act in a totally different way… You...'' She started to shove herself out of my grasp and stepped away from me. ''You can't DO this to people – to me. ENOUGH!''

''Orianna?'' I scowled at her retreating form.

''NO!'' Her hands flew up before her, gesturing for me to keep my distance. A stony expression settled on her face, though her eyes flashed angrily at me. ''Just... leave me alone. Good night Prime.'' Orianna turned and began to walk away from me.

I didn't even think. For the first time in as long as I could remember, I acted purely on emotion, without consideration for the implications of my actions. I reached out and grabbed her, pulling her back to me. Grasping her head in my hands, I brought my lips down to cover hers as I kissed her.

I kissed her.

I felt her gasp of shock against my mouth a split second before her lips moved against mine, deepening the kiss. Her hands flew to either side of my face as she pulled me down towards her in desperation. I complied willingly. I would give her anything if it meant she would not leave me, if it meant she would stay in my life. /All but your spark it would seem/, the accusation washed over me. /I could not risk losing it again, and not to a human woman. I simply could not/.

Her lips were so soft and warm as they devoured mine. Her tongue flicked out against my lips, and I groaned in pleasure as I opened my mouth to allow her access. I tasted her. I held her tightly against my body and I tasted her.

My hands moved to her hair, and I reveled in grabbing fistfuls of it, pulling her closer. I could smell her, taste her, touch her - and it was intoxicating. I wanted more. /But she is HUMAN! You should not WANT this with her, from her!/, the small, weak voice tried to reason and I ignored it. I had lost the will to reason as I felt one of her hands slide from my face down my chest to rest above my spark which thrummed wildly inside me at her touch. I moaned against her lips, ''Oriannaaah, please...'' I did not know what I was begging of her.

All at once, one hand became two as Orianna pushed me forcefully away from her, ''NO!'' She yelled out, ''STOP!'' she gasped breathlessly as she backed away from me, her right hand held before her protectively.

''Orianna...'' I stepped towards her; my lips bereft of the feel of hers against them. ''I just wanted to show you how much I..'

''DON'T!'' She screamed at me as she cradled her head in her hands, covering her ears. ''DON'T say it.'' A dull ache had begun to form in my chest and tendrils of fear wrapped around my spark as I noticed the look on her face. /What had I done?/.

''Orianna,'' my voice sounded desperate even to my own ears, ''Forgive me. You wouldn't listen. I just needed you…''

She removed her hands from over her ears and glared at me through tear filled eyes, her mouth was contorted into an angry, painful sneer. Her lips began to move, trying to form words, but nothing came out. Her mouth moved silently as her eyes searched my face. Not finding what she was searching for, she shook her head and turned on her heel, striding briskly away from me.

''Orianna! Wait!'' I began to follow her when from behind the tree line, Ironhide surged forward.

His optics narrowed in warning as his deep, gravelly voice bellowed at me. ''PRIME! You forget yourself. Let her go.'' Anger and disappointment saturated his words as Orianna darted past his pedes, barely glancing up at him. He seemed to ignore her as well, his optics glaring at me as he stalked towards me.

My own eyes flash dangerously at him as a growl was torn from my lips and I desperately fought the urge to run after Orianna and stop her. I was consumed with frustration, rage, and regret as I watched her disappear out of my sight. Disengaging my holoform, I shuttered my optics as I immediately become cognizant in my true form yet again. My metal dermas seem to burn as I recall the feel of her lips against mine.

''So. It is true. Our Prime is in love with a human woman.'' Ironhide spat the words out distastefully as he came to stand before me. ''Even if she is one such as Orianna.'' I levelled a dark gaze at him and he shook his helm at me, confusion in his optics. ''How? Why?'' The questions hung heavy in the air between my old friend and I, though I did not reply, turning instead to face the churning waters.

I had no response because I did not want to accept what was becoming painfully clear. I could not. /I was a Cybertronian mech. A Prime!/. With that title came responsibilities. Expectations - just as I had explained to Orianna moments ago. I could not abandon them. /Regardless of what my spark may seem to inexplicably want/.

A painful ache began to consume my spark as I wrestled with the depth of my sorrow and confusion. It would seem the one thing my spark desired was also the one thing it should NOT want. Could not have. I growled again in frustration as I turned on my pedes to once more face my weapon's specialist and friend. ''This does not concern you Ironhide. Please - leave me.''

''The slag it doesn't concern me Prime!'' He bit back; his optics bore into me as he shook his helm. I felt myself momentarily taken aback by the ferocity of his response. ''I am nothing BUT concerned about you.'' He took a step closer towards me his gruff voice in stark contrast to his claims. ''We all are.''

I looked away from him back towards the tree line where Orianna had disappeared, my dermas drawn together tightly. He folded his arms across his broad chest as he came to stand before me. ''You are not yourself. You are not thinking and acting as you should. As you did before this woman..''

I snapped my helm at him, my optics flashing a silent reprimand. I knew Ironhide cared for Orianna but his concern for his Prime currently superseded that friendship.

Ironhide merely tilted his helm, a small smirk forming on his faceplates. ''Before Orianna confessed her feelings towards you.''

My dermas flew open. ''How? How did you know..'' I had not spoken to anyone of that night on the beach. It was a matter between Orianna and myself, /and Lennox/, the thought he had become involved in what should have been a private matter between us somewhat irritated me.

Ironhide simply shrugged his shoulders as he briefly looked away from my gaze. ''Call it a hunch. She must have said something important to you before we left for Shanghai because you have been very different since then.'' My optics darted away from his back towards the crashing waves before me. Once again, I noted with wry amusement how the waves seemed to mimic my emotional state.

Beside me Ironhide grunted loudly in frustration. ''Come to think of it so has she.''

I felt a heavy servo pat my shoulder strut. ''Prime. I am your oldest friend and your fiercest advocate.'' I nodded imperceptibly. ''I want for you to be happy, to be whole again since 'lita…'' His voice stopped as I must have tensed under his servo. Ironhide removed his servo from my shoulder. ''But are you sure your spark can truly be happy with what it seeks from a human woman?'' My optics desperately searched the wrinkling water before me, as if I could somehow pluck the answer from the foaming waters. Ironhide's voice was filled with uncertainty. ''Such a union has never been heard of before amongst our kind, and you are a Prime…''

''Do you not think I KNOW that Ironhide!'' I snapped as I spared him a cursory glance before my optics once again rested on the tumultuous waters before me. Out to sea, lightning flickered across the horizon and the leaves of the trees began to dance and move as the wind picked up. /The storm was coming/. ''Do you not THINK for one nanosecond Ironhide, that I am not FULLY aware of what my title demands of me?''

''Do you truly love Orianna, Prime?'' Ironhide's voice was surprisingly gentle.

''I DO NOT KNOW!'' I growled angrily at my friend as I turned sorrowful, tortured optics upon him. ''I do not know what I should do.'' Normally so eloquent with words, I struggled to convey my thoughts. ''All I know Ironhide, is I need Orianna in my life in a way I have not needed anyone since…'' My voice trailed off as I turned my back on him, as I wrestled with my wayward emotions. ''Isn't that enough?'' My shoulders slumped with the weight of my struggle.

Behind me Ironhide ex-vented heavily. ''From what I witnessed between you two just now,'' I shuddered as I recalled my reprehensible behaviour, ''for Orianna at least Prime, I would say it's not enough.'' His voice dropped to a gravelly whisper, ''Not anymore.''

I closed my optics as his words fell upon my audials. /He was right/. Orianna needed more from me than I thought I was able to give, than I should want to give. ''I know.'' Such a simple response to such a difficult and delicate issue. But until I had reconciled within myself my duties as a Prime with how I truly felt on the matter as a Cybertronian mech, there was no other answer I could give.

''I will leave you to your thoughts Prime but know this. I may not be comfortable with the idea of you being in love with Orianna and she with you..''

I ground my denta together and fought a wave of inexplicable anger at the thought of anyone seeking to keep me from her.

''However, as humans go, women or otherwise, Orianna is the most tolerable one I have come across.'' I could hear the faint smile in his voice as he added a thought a beat later, ''Aside from Lennox that is.'' I closed my optics as his name washed over me.

That was as close as I would likely get as a blessing from Ironhide. I nodded my helm. ''Thank you Ironhide. Your comment has been noted.''

I heard his pedes shuffle as he shifted his weight. ''I will take my leave of you now Optimus.''

I did not reply. I simply nodded my helm. A rumble of thunder rolled towards me from across the bay, and sheets of lightning illuminated the clouds out to sea, as an entirely different storm raged inside me.