Author's note: ''denotes recalled conversations''. /denotes internal thoughts/. Some swearing.

Thanks for the constructive feedback M.M... You're right! I do use ''Prime'' in preference to ''Optimus''. Duly noted! ;-)

Chapter 45: Decisions

Orianna P.O.V

''Idiot! You're a bloody idiot!'' I hissed at myself through clenched teeth as I drove aimlessly along the roads around downtown Diego Garcia. ''You should never have gone there tonight. You weren't ready.'' My heart beat rapidly in my chest as icy fingers of anger and embarrassment raked over me simultaneously. /Maybe you'll never be ready/, came the mocking reply as I clutched the steering wheel, my knuckles turning white.

Following my disastrous meeting with Optimus barely half an hour ago, I was debating what I should do and where I should go to seek refuge and process what had happened. Lennox had been my first thought and I had begun to steer Relda towards his apartment, pulling up out the front with the engine idling. Just as I went to turn the key off, a sliver of doubt snaked its way through my mind. After our dinner earlier in the week, and the odd way that ended, perhaps it was best to leave Lennox out of this? /He's put up with enough of my shit lately/. I was becoming increasingly needy and relying on him to save me from myself.

Sighing out loud, I put Relda into drive and pulled away from his apartment. As much as I wanted to go to Lennox and see him, talk to him about what had transpired tonight and get his opinion and support, I knew I had to draw a line in the sand. I had gotten myself into this godawful mess. I was the one who was going to have to get myself out of it! I turned Relda towards my apartment and the solitude and familiarity it offered as I prepared to wade through the fall out – alone!

Fumbling with the keys, I stumbled into my apartment. Not even bothering to flick the light on, I navigated my way to my bedroom from memory. Standing in the doorway, I reached out and slowly hit the lights. I stood there, staring at the bed on the opposite side of the room, transfixed by an image that now haunted me. Not that long ago, Prime's holoform had lay on that bed beside me, comforting me, making me feel as though I was loved….

I bit my lower lip painfully and wrapped my arms around myself. Flashes of his body pressed firmly against mine, his hands twisting possessively in my hair came unbidden into my mind and I fought to control the desire that instantly flared to life within me, seeking to consume me. His voice, that deep, intoxicating, rumbling sound echoed through me and sunk into every fibre of my being.

''Oriannaaah, please...''

I raised my right hand slowly, bringing my fingers to my lips. Touching them softly, almost reverently, I recalled the feel of his lips on them, the desperation in his voice. Almost in the same moment, my hand clamped shut across my mouth to stifle the scream of frustration and anger that threatened to tumble out.

I launched myself across the room and flopped heavily down onto my mattress, grabbing at a pillow that lay haphazardly thrown against the bedhead. Burying my face in it, I allowed the emotions that sought to overwhelm me some release as I screamed into the pillow. My fingers knotted in the pillowcase, and I felt every muscle in my body contract as I fought to control the anger, hurt and confusion that coursed through me.

I squeezed my eyes tight and gritted my teeth, fighting the urge, the desperate need to cry. I was sick of crying! I was sick of feeling so utterly and totally useless and pathetic. ''Enough!'' My muffled voice declared resolutely. All at once I shoved the pillow disdainfully away, punching it hard for good measure as I moved to sit upright on the bed. ''What the fuck was that tonight?'' I growled out loud to the safety and privacy of my room as I recalled the moment Prime kissed me.

I scrambled off my bed in a rather undignified but determined manner, pacing about the room like a miniature tornado contemplating whether to make landfall or not. ''What the hell was Optimus thinking kissing me like that?'' I barked out loud, slapping my hands on my thighs as I spun about. I shook my head angrily as I wore a path across my bedroom floor.

All at once I froze on the spot as a shocking thought coalesced in my mind. /He wasn't thinking/. Optimus Prime, the restrained, unflustered, stoic and logical leader of the Autobots had acted on impulse and emotion alone. His words once again echoed within me;

''Your absence in my life is slowly robbing me of the ability to maintain that appearance!''

Some of the molten anger that had been burning within me, cooled. ''Perhaps it's true?'' I furrowed my brow as I folded my arms across my chest, jutting a hip out in silent contemplation.

My eyebrows knitted together and, snorting contemptuously, I exploded into action once more. ''Still, it doesn't give him the bloody right to do that to me!''

/Even though you didn't complain when he did/.

''He could have just told me how much he missed me and needed me. He didn't have to kiss me for fuck's sake!'' My arms flailed around me as I gesticulated wildly, trying to reason with myself.

/He did try, and you didn't want to hear it, 'cause it wasn't what you wanted to hear/.

I growled in irritation at my own traitorous thoughts. ''Even so, you can't say one thing to someone and then act in a totally contradictory way! You can't say you don't love someone and then turn around and bloody well kiss them so damn..''

/Passionately?/..

My breath hitched and I stopped in my tracks feeling as though the wind had been knocked out of me. Once again, I slowly raised my right hand to my lips, closing my eyes as my fingertips brushed where his lips had been moving only moments ago.

Despite my best efforts, a single molten tear fell silently down my cheek and disappeared into the tasseled rug below. I groaned out loud and took two steps towards my bed, throwing myself down upon the covers dejectedly. Grabbing fistfuls of my bedspread, I cocooned myself inside my makeshift cave.

It was useless.

The relationship between Optimus and I had shifted – perhaps irrevocably. I could no longer view him as just a friend and he could not seem to see his way to viewing me as anything other than a friend.

/A friend he just voluntarily kissed/.

Whimpering plaintively, I pulled the covers tighter around me as a headache began to pound like a bass drum against my temples.

Beep beep!

The wholly unexpected sound of a message coming through on my phone, made me start and gasp out loud. For a moment I lay there, believing I was hearing things.

Beep beep!

A second message came through almost immediately after the first and once again I gasped out loud. Bolting upright, the action elicited a pained hiss from me as my head throbbed in protest at the sudden movement. I threw the covers off me, staring nervously at the phone and the light that flashed innocuously at me. ''Who the hell?''

I licked suddenly dry lips and slowly reached for the phone, taking a deep and steadying breath as I punched in my code and opened the text messages. There were two. They were both from Lennox. I felt a strange mixture of relief and oddly, disappointment. /Why on earth were you hoping it may have been from Prime?/. I wrinkled my brow at my own stupidity as I opened the first text.

Hey OC.

Sorry 2 txt u so L8.

Thought I heard your car out front a

moment ago? Everything ok?

Lennox ox

I sucked air through my teeth, making a clicking sound as I pondered those words - Everything okay? A crooked, sad smile tugged at my lips as I stared down at my phone. ''Am I okay?'' I sighed out loud. ''Far from it, but he doesn't need to know that. Not this time.'' I exhaled deeply in an attempt to expel some of my feelings as I opened the second message.

Or maybe I was just dreaming you were snoring?

I sniffed back the tears that had been forming and rolled my eyes as I chuckled out loud. /Dickhead!/. For the first time all evening I felt somehow lighter as I began to type my reply.

Hey Lennox,

I believe it may have been a tractor you heard!

Relda is tucked up in bed. As should you be.

Thanks for checking on me, appreciate it.

Night.

Your Deere friend OC xo

Almost at once Lennox sent through a tractor emoji and a thumbs up. I chuckled once more and placed my phone on my bedside table. Just as I began to lie back down on my bed, another text message came through. ''Bloody hell Lennox!'' I leant forward and snatched the phone up in my hand, ''Now wh….''

The message wasn't from Lennox.

I stared numbly at the screen, my heart racing, my mouth dry and my hands shaking with tiny tremors as they began to feel clammy. I tentatively clicked on the message icon, as if he might somehow see me doing it. I released a shaky breath as my eyes skimmed the message.

Orianna,

I know you likely do not want to hear from me in any capacity right now, but I had to seek your forgiveness.

I am deeply mortified and appalled by my actions tonight.

I acted impulsively and selfishly and in doing so have only further harmed our friendship.

I hope in time that you can forgive me for my callous actions, and we might be able to find a way to repair what has become broken between us.

Whenever you are ready, I will be here. I will be waiting.

Optimus

As soon as I finished reading it, I read it again.

And again.

And again.

Each time my eyes scrolled over the text; I felt a new emotion bubble to life within me. Anger, sorrow, pain, regret, longing. My thumb seemed to almost caress the screen even as I felt my head shaking from side to side and a small sneer formed on my lips. All at once, I flung myself heavily back on my bed, my phone thrown casually aside. Bringing my hands up to cover my face, I screamed in utter exasperation into my palms. ''FUCKING HELL!''

I acted impulsively and selfishly and in doing so have only further harmed our damaged friendship…

A somewhat unhinged chuckle tumbled from my lips as his words rolled around in my mind, mocking me. I exhaled into my hands. ''Well. Isn't that what YOU did in the first place OC, that first night on the beach?'' I rolled onto my side and curled up into the fetal position, grabbing fistfuls of bedspread to serve as a makeshift pillow. ''Your selfish desires are kinda what led us to this totally effed up situation between us right now!'' I snorted ruefully. ''Well, that and Prime's lack of knowledge around physical displays of affection that incite potential romantic interest within humans!''

My right hand reached out and slowly patted the mattress where Prime's holoform once lay. My fingers clenched the sheets and a painful grimace spread across my face as realisation began to slam into me. /As long as I am near him while I still want him, things will never change, never heal between us/. I mumbled into my elbow as I curled tighter into myself. ''We will still end up hurting each other as we stumble around this ''thing'' between us.''

A cold, heavy feeling began to weigh me down as I lay there slowly and painfully accepting the only apparent course of action left to me. It was perhaps the only way I might somehow salvage and repair our damaged and fragile friendship. I didn't really want to do this, for so many reasons, but as far as I could see, it really was the only option that made sense for me – for us – at the moment. ''Besides,'' I sniffed in a weak attempt at comforting myself, ''it doesn't have to be permanent. It won't be forever.'' While I did not end up having the connection I so desperately longed for and wished to have with Prime, I knew we were bound to each other in some way. I could never abandon him for good. No matter what transpired between us.

After what seemed an age, I numbly reached for my phone and sat upright on the edge of my bed, tucking one leg under me. My shoulders stooped forward and a dull ache began to form in my chest as I typed my reply.

Optimus,

Thank you for your apology. I guess we have both made mistakes and acted in ways we regret.

I too am sorry for my part in what has transpired between us.

I also hope we will one day repair our friendship as it is very dear to me.

However, you are right. Starting from now, it will take time and some space, for me at least, to move forward from this point.

I hope you understand.

I will hold you to your kind offer.

Orianna

For a moment I gazed blankly at the screen, my finger hovering over the send button. It seemed utterly surreal to be sending such a message to a twenty-eight-foot sentient robot from another planet, and some small part of my brain found it absurd to even be having such a conversation. Another part of me thought I shouldn't even dignify his actions tonight with a response, and yet another part knew that course of action to be puerile and spiteful.

I turned my head to stare at the side of my bed Optimus had once occupied, and a weak smile tugged at the corner of my lips. When it came down to it, in its simplest, purest form, I loved him. I turned my attention back towards my phone and the message that seemed to stare expectantly back at me. ''And I guess loving someone means having to forgive them and swallow your pride at times.'' With a final sigh of resignation, my thumb pressed the send button, and I slowly sank back onto my mattress, pulling the covers over me.

I didn't bother turning off my light. I knew sleep would claim me soon anyway as emotional exhaustion began to set in, and my eyelids began to flicker closed. I had made my decision for better or worse. /I just hope it turns out to be for the better/.