I was in quite a bit of pain by the time I got to my bedroom, and after going to the bathroom, Kai gave me a painkiller and arranged me on the bed until I was comfortable. I fell asleep shortly afterwards, and when I woke up, Grant was there. "Hey, Steph", he said. "Ranger came in and forced Kai to go out for a run. He also forced the Gurus to take some PT time. He said they had been tortured long enough by sitting still, and they needed to go out and clear the cobwebs from their brains. They left about half an hour ago, so I imagine that they will be back in about an hour."

"Okay. It must be kind of boring watching me sleep."

Grant smiled. "Do you know how many bedsides I have waited beside as soldiers were sleeping? Don't worry about me. Do you need to go to the bathroom?"

"Oh, God, not this again", I said as my face flamed.

Grant smiled. "Before I became a doctor and before I became a soldier, I lived at home with a disabled mother. She was an amazing woman, but she couldn't take care of her toileting needs herself. I did it for her and, quite frankly, if it didn't bother me doing it for my mother, it won't bother me doing it for you." He pulled down the blankets, pulled off my palazzo pants, took off my diaper and carried me to the bathroom.

"I'm so fucking embarrassed", I said as tears came to my eyes.

"Yes, but there is no need to be", said Grant softly. He turned and left the room as I tried to get my breathing under control. When I partially succeeded, I focused on going to the washroom and I tried to clean myself up as well as I could. It was difficult, but it didn't seem to hurt as much as it had the day before. When I finished, Grant had covered the bed with the dark towel again, and placed me on the bed, quickly finished cleaning me up, and put on a clean diaper. "You did a good job cleaning yourself off", he said as he washed my hands. "Are you finding it a bit easier to move with your muscle tear?"

"A little bit. It is still definitely there, but it seemed like I could bend and reach a little easier."

"That's great", said Grant. "That must be a relief for you. How are your nose and throat?"

"They feel fine now."

"And the skin on your face and arms and hands and so on?"

"That doesn't hurt at all any longer."

"It doesn't look as red either. When I first saw you, I thought that you resembled a tomato. Now you look more like a watermelon."

I smiled. "I like watermelon much more than tomatoes. I mean, tomatoes are good, but compared to a watermelon? There is no comparison."

Grant grinned as he picked up Kai's stethoscope and listened to my chest and back. "I'd say they are still a little congested. Is that what Kai is reporting as well?"

"Yes. That's okay, right? I feel like I did before I waded into the fire."

"That is very good then", said Grant. "It means that the chemical pneumonia from the fire is likely gone or mostly gone, the effects of the smoke inhalation are gone or mostly gone and, although you still have to be careful, you are back to your pre-fire levels. I still think sleeping will be the key, but I suspect with regular sleep you will start healing a little faster. What is your abdomen at?"

"About a six."

"That's not bad for a muscle tear at this amount of time since the injury. How about your legs?"

I sighed. "They are the problem."

"What number are they at?"

"When I went to bed last night, they were a twenty. When I woke up, they were a ten. With medication and diversion, they went down to a seven. When I went to bed this afternoon, they were back up to a fifteen. Now, the medication hasn't worn off yet and they are an eleven. I'm not looking forward to the medication wearing off."

"I know, but maybe the sleep boosted you up more than you realize."

I smiled sadly. "There's a thought."

"Talk to me. What do you have going through your brain?"

I paused for a moment. "I'm getting tired of being in pain, Grant."

"I'm not surprised", said Grant. "Kai has elected to keep you on reduced painkillers and to take you out of the hospital much earlier than he felt comfortable with. He and Ranger thought that you were in danger there, and they were concerned enough that they brought you home at the first possible moment, as soon as you were off oxygen. Judging by the call you heard last night, they were right and you were in danger. The terrorists were looking for you at the hospital, and that could have been disastrous. If you had been a normal patient, we would have kept you in the hospital for a few weeks and you would have been basically knocked out that entire time.

"Instead, we are giving you a lesser painkiller so that you are aware of your surroundings and can respond accordingly. We are keeping a guard on you so that you are protected, and we have brought you home so that you can spend time with everyone and, more importantly, be part of the takedown. Kai said that it would mean a lot to you to be able to do things that help, even if it is just listening and clarifying everyone's thoughts. But to allow you to do that, he has had to choose to give you less-intense painkillers."

I thought about that for a bit, then slowly smiled. "So I'm not being a wimp when I say that I'm in pain?"

Grant laughed. "Hell no. None of us are quite sure how you are doing it. You are one of the toughest people I have ever met."

"I feel like I am always whining about being in pain."

Grant snorted. "I have never heard you whine about anything, let alone being in pain. Does Kai make you feel as though you are whining?"

I laughed quietly. "I think he'd be happier if I complained a little more. He hates not knowing when I'm in pain."

"I can understand that. Does Ranger make you feel as though you are whining?"

"No. I try to avoid telling him anything simply because then he worries. He says that worry is an unproductive emotion but, in all honesty, he worries about everything. That's why he's such a good soldier. He has plans and, since he is worried that they won't work, he has backup plans, and then backup backup plans, and backup backup backup plans. He is prepared for everything because he has worried and thought about all the possibilities."

"Kai and I have a fairly good idea of your pain level anyway, so don't worry about talking to us. And Ranger is attributing acute pain to your injuries that, although your injuries are painful, your actual pain is less than Ranger's imagined pain. While you might report an eight, in Ranger's mind that is the same as a twenty-four on a scale of ten. Don't be embarrassed about telling him the truth. I think it will actually make him feel better. As for the soldiers, they, too, have a fairly good idea of pain level. Every single one of us has seen friends go through severe burns. I've actually had a couple of people ask me if there is nerve damage because you are making it seem like you are sailing through it. Don't be afraid to tell them the truth. Julie looks like a pretty strong person and hearing that you are in pain won't fluster her. So that just leaves the kids, Cindy and Kate and your parents. I understand why you want to protect them, but don't lie to everyone else for the sake of protecting the few. In front of them, sure – talk about how you are getting better. However, when they aren't there, talk about the actual. It does not show that you are being a wimp. It shows that you are a strong and tough survivor, and you are fighting a winning battle."

I swiped the tears away from my face. "Thanks, Grant. I've been worried about that. Thinking I'm a wimp doesn't go with my self-image, and I would do almost anything to stop people from thinking that way."

"Why would you think that you were a wimp?"

I paused and looked down at the blankets. I folded and unfolded them, over and over, as Grant waited. "When I grew up, I didn't fit the mold. All the other little girls wanted to be princesses, and I wanted to be Wonder Woman. I wanted to do something with my life and I didn't want to be a passive princess that people waited on. People liked me, but they didn't understand me. My parents tried – they loved me intensely and I think my dad understood that I wanted to make a difference in the world. My grandmother understood as well, but I have since realized that she thought making a difference was a pipe dream that would never be achieved. She thought it was something I would grow out of, and that I would eventually come to understand and enjoy my role of raising babies and looking after the house. My mother understood but as I grew older she became convinced that the route to happiness was marriage and two point five kids, a minivan and a white picket fence. We've had a lot of tussles because I didn't agree. She just wanted me to be happy, and she couldn't imagine me being happy unless I fit the traditional ideal. After the kids were born and I elected to still work – and she started to see just a little of what I do, and she saw the comfort of the apartment that we live in? She realized that there was more than one route to happiness, and she has become a firm supporter since.

"But there was always my sister. She did want to be the princess, and she lived her life according to the prescription for happiness. She fit in, and she frequently rubbed it in my face that I didn't. She always made fun of me for wanting to be Wonder Woman. I can't tell you how many times Val would make fun of things that I did and laugh at me with all the neighborhood kids."

"What did your parents say?"

"I never told them. Val was doing it sneakily, and they'd never catch her doing it. Besides, I figured that it was my own problem to solve. After all, would Wonder Woman complain about a bully?"

"You cried in private."

"Hell yeah. I didn't want the neighborhood kids to make fun of me for that as well. I quickly learned that I could turn people back to liking me with a joke or two, a quip to make people laugh, and Val hated it. It was something that she couldn't do. I did it all the time. I did it when other people were upset, because I hated seeing people upset. I had been upset a lot in the past, and I didn't want others upset as well. I did it when I was upset as well, to hide the fact that I wanted to cry. I did it quite a lot.

"So my sister was the perfect one, the one that everyone liked, the one that did well in school and was on all the teams and won the scholarship to college. I was the failure and didn't do any of those things, and Val liked to remind me of it constantly.

"Now, twenty years later, my sister is still reminding me of my inferiority. When I was severely depressed, I seriously considered offing myself so that Ranger could marry the Plum girl of his dreams, the one that was worthwhile and perfect. Ranger became quite upset when I told him that and told me that he didn't even like Val, and that she was NOT the Plum girl of his dreams. I couldn't understand why not for the longest time.

"I have done a lot of therapy, and Ranger is great for developing my confidence, but at times it is still hard to let her comments roll off my back. Add in that she has become quite vicious about it. She has come to the Rangeman offices and assaulted me, screamed at me, called me names, sworn at me, and told my friends that I am a horrible person. Why? Because she still wants to be the princess that doesn't do anything, and she believes that I am inferior and therefore deserve to support her and do everything for her. In her mind, she is the princess and I am her servant. She is resentful that Ranger and I have money, she is resentful that we live in a nice place, she is resentful that I have worked my way up into the life that she wants to have. She doesn't know what I do for a living other than that I am a researcher, and she frequently tells Ranger that she would be better than me at it because I'm not very smart and she is."

"How does that make you feel?"

I swiped tears from my face. "I'm fighting not to agree with her."

"With which part?"

"I agree that she is smarter, prettier, and more popular. What I'm fighting about is the concept that she could be a better researcher than me."

"Do you think she could?"

I sighed. "No, and it makes me feel guilty to think that. It feels like I am being disloyal to the family. It feels like my role in life is the one where I fall in doggy doo-doo, and Val's role is to make fun of me and laugh with all her friends and my friends at what happened. Just take this accident. Val would never have gotten hurt. She wouldn't have waded into a fire to save someone – and it feels like I landed in doggy doo-doo again. Because I didn't think things through, I hurt myself. I feel like the pain I'm in is all my fault and I don't deserve to have relief from it."

"By the sounds of it, you are right. Val wouldn't have hurt herself because she is so selfish and self-centered that it would never have occurred to her to wade into fire to save another person. Steph, you saved a life! You are suffering for it, but you are a hero. There was a reason that everybody wanted to salute you. We wanted to recognize that you are something special, and that you deserved our respect.

"You have a big life, Steph, a Wonder Woman life. Your sister doesn't, and that's okay. Not everyone can be Wonder Woman. What isn't okay is the abuse that she is treating you with."

"Ranger put his foot down when I was in the hospital after the hysterectomy. I had pneumonia and I had a reaction to the antibiotics they put me on. My throat closed up and I couldn't breathe. I had to have epinephrine and, when I was upset and scared about that, Val came into my hospital room, told me that I had cheated on Ranger and that's why I had gotten pregnant, told me that I had purposely murdered my babies, and that God was going to kill me for it and that she would be celebrating and dancing on my grave. Ranger threw her out, but I was very upset and Ranger and Kai had to do a lot of work to calm me down. Livy and Kai and Ranger have been building me up since, and I feel a little more stable than I did. But it has been very hard.

"When Colin came to Trenton, we got along very well and talked constantly. I just clicked with him, and he adopted me as his daughter. He gave me a huge boost to my self-esteem, and it was mainly because he told me a few times that when his fiancée had died, she was pregnant, and he liked to have thought that he was having a daughter just like me. At one point, Val came to the apartment building and started having a temper tantrum because Tom wouldn't let her come up to my apartment. I talked to her for a few minutes, and Colin got a few minutes to assess her. She was abusive, angry, and derogatory. I called the cops, and she eventually left. Then, when I was upset, I had to talk to the cops. When the cops left and we were taking the elevator to our floor, I started to cry. I couldn't keep it in any longer. So Colin and I talked, and he said all the same things that Ranger said, and I went to bed and cried myself to sleep. And that is why Colin gave me the castle. He wanted to remind me that I was so important to him that he gave me a fucking castle, the home that he and his fiancée had planned to raise their family in, the pride and joy of everything he owned. He wanted me to inherit the family castle and to remind me that he chose me to be his daughter – and that he would never choose Val.

"So in answer to your question, all my whining is a long-winded version of saying that Val is the perfect one, I am the one that always lands in doggy doo-doo and I always feel like I am never enough. I am the one that always fails, the one that can never impress, the one that is always whining for attention, the wimp that no one wants to be with."

"First of all, you aren't whining. You are talking about your feelings and your feelings are very valid. However, I do think you need to challenge those feelings. For instance, have you ever been hurt before?"

I snorted. "Dozens of times. You know how they say that when a bone is broken, it grows back stronger? I just have to say that I have the strongest ribs known to mankind. Then there are the gunshot wounds and so on. Yes, I've been hurt."

"Did you think that you were being wimpy then?"

I paused. "I don't know. I don't know how other people react."

"Fair enough. Did Ranger get frustrated with you?"

"Yes. He said I didn't take pain relief enough."

"Then you weren't being a wimp. I can also guarantee that there isn't one person on the team that thinks you are being a wimp this time either." He paused. "Do you think Ben thinks that you landed in doggy doo-doo by saving his life?"

I snorted. "I hope not."

"Exactly. Let's look at the facts. Steph, you did something heroic. If you hadn't done it, Ben would have died. You did it at great cost to you. You are healing well, but you are going to be in pain for a long time. You know that, you have accepted that, and even though you knew that, you put a high value on Ben's life and you did what needed to be done to get him out of there, despite the personal cost. You did what most people wouldn't even consider doing. You are a hero, and there isn't one person in this castle who thinks any differently."

"Thanks, Grant."

"I'm going to be here every afternoon for a bit of time, and I'd love to talk more to you about this. Keep talking to Kai and Ranger as well. Steph, you are an incredible woman, and you don't deserve to feel inferior to anyone, especially your sister."

I swiped away the tears. "Do you think I am just being silly?"

Grant smiled gently. "Steph, everybody has upsetting thoughts. It is only the truly brave that bring them out and talk to people, and consider and evaluate those thoughts to determine if they are valid. I don't think you are silly. I admire what you are doing and I recognize that it isn't easy, and I am very proud of you for doing it."