Kaeya felt it when he was walking to Angel's share, the dullness rising like a tide plunging him nose first into water, making him drown.
The nausea held him down and firm. But he couldn't halt his march for if he did, he'd be sure that he'd remain there forever.
It was night. Few were out.
Stars glittered mockingly in the sky.
He didn't feel like looking up.
It hurt to think that he would soon be among them, if Khaenri'ans were able to rest up there at all.
The city was housed in a dreamy silence like the dainty mist that rises when the lulling sun wakes up the land.
In this dream he would slip into with more of a permanence, but while he still managed to breathe, he walked on.
The steepness in his chest, the thudding of his heels against the cobblestone, he scrapes himself towards the wooden door that he has seen for what felt like to be thousands of times.
He looked at the chipping golden paint running around its edges.
The weather wasn't treating his familiar door too kindly.
He had wanted to tell Diluc to fix this door many times now. But each time he tried; the thought would perish in his throat.
He had no affair in the business now. That was all on Diluc's end. He was no longer a share holder and not part of its legacy. So why should he care if this door needed to be replaced or not? He had no input at all.
As it should be.
Kaeya frowned as he felt himself sway back.
Everything was swimming. He could almost feel the water of Cider Lake now, filling his lungs.
It still wasn't time. He still had some vivacity left in him as he let the sickness wash over him. He heaved and grabbed his cloak threateningly.
He focused all his anger on the cloth that was hiding his wounds.
"Shit. Come on. Please body. Can't you just, persist a little longer now?"
Kaeya felt bile rise up and quickly chomped it down. He was happy there was no metallic taste of the ocean on his tongue. For if there was, he wouldn't be able to go inside and make an order.
His teeth would be a dead giveaway, tainted in blood to alarm.
He didn't want that from his brother.
He just…wanted to see him one more time, is all.
That's all he was asking for now.
He had a long dark grey cloak cover him, shielding him from the passersby behind.
He stood in front of the door watching the flies hover near the top light, showering the entrance like how heaven showers mystical patches of grass with insight and awe.
Kaeya felt sicker as each second ticked on by and he felt like he could go to sleep standing.
But the urgency was rising with each blink as he steadied himself to put on his familiar façade. He pinched himself on his wrist to attempt true focus.
"Focus, Kaeya, focus," he murmured to himself slurring.
He smiled slightly towards himself in a forgiving manner letting his hands clutch at the hems of the cloak.
"This will pass soon like a bad dream. Yeah, this whole life was in actuality…it was all just a really bad dream, wasn't it? Good thing it's going to be over. I always liked a good finale in the books…even if I was just a minor anti-hero in mine. It was good to be on the page at all, as a word, as a letter, as an agreement to my existence. I'm glad I still was me. And I hated me…"
The blood lingered on both sides of his hips, dripping down, as he felt more and more dull and jaded.
He looked at his ashy finger tips that slipped out of his gloves. Blood was still under his nails and palms. He had done his best to wipe the top off of that murky liquid.
He was barely passable for not creating alarm.
He didn't want that.
He wanted to peacefully and quietly fade away, like that rainy day when he arrived.
He knew there was no tomorrow.
And for the first time in his life, he felt a satisfaction from such a finality.
He could finally put down his many masks and hats. He didn't have to be a quartermaster anymore or a Captain. He didn't have to withstand the bad rumors or deal with anyone's hopes or despairs.
He didn't have to avenge his dead brethren or make use of the magic in his blood.
Abysmal and celestial magic, he needed not to use none of it anymore.
To become a god?
Haha, that was funnier than the comics Klee would make on her down time.
Yes. Who was he to do any of those things? He was no one.
Had had always been no one, even when he was a prince.
His elder brothers and sisters were the ones of importance, not him.
He had just been one of the many offspring in his father's harem. That was all there was to it.
As for his survival, he had been the last child left alive in Khaenri'ah without the curse of turning. He was the only one clean. Was it a miracle or did it condemn him to another type of hell, he wasn't sure?
That was the only reason he had not been left to rot with the rest in the past. Their hopes and dreams were lurched onto him, someone never quite fit for the role.
How could he be?
He was only a book nerd.
He was the quiet mousy one of his closer siblings who all probably read more than half the books in each library. A nerd wishing to become a librarian or a tower researcher. That was the path he had wanted before that fateful day of the Cataclysm.
He was destined to have been no one.
Why didn't he stay like that?
And in a way he still was.
Even with the rise of the ranks, even with his Mondstadt responsibilities on his shoulders…shouldering them was seen as natural as drinking water or breathing air.
He never was enough for anybody.
He never could be.
He was an outsider slithering up the ranks due to favor from Jean and an old family name. All he gained wasn't apparently his. Where Kaeya found favor in some of his subordinates, he found disillusion and resistance from the rest.
It really pissed Kaeya off. But what he could do? It was hard to change prejudice and hearts. He knew that just by looking at his own ex-brother.
Kaeya didn't notice himself sag to the floor.
His face paled as he didn't notice this unbearable sleepiness take hold.
"No."
Before he left, he wanted one more drink and to see that disdain paint itself across his ex-brother's face.
"That expression is what brother does best," he laughed lightly.
"It's a reminder of how much he hates me…and how much…he's willing to tolerate."
Kaeya sighed sadly.
"And that's fine by me. That face is all I ever wanted from him…I don't deserve a smile nor worry nor care. Not anymore."
Like a kicked dog he always wanted to return to his master, his best friend, his brother, his twin of flame.
But Diluc's anger and pain was forever a reminder that no matter how close he would get, he would be rejected from reentering Diluc's heart.
The past 4 years had been better.
Better than they had ever been.
They had finally moved past the hurting, the poisoning, the hitting, the vile and angry bantering that threatened into full out blows.
Kaeya was suddenly angry.
His brother just upped and left when their dad had died.
He hadn't been able to attend the funeral until past sunset.
But it was all his fault.
He didn't arrive there on time.
He didn't soothe Diluc's rage and pain. He didn't deserve to even be close. All who were close to him would befall onto tragedy.
Kaeya should have known.
It reminded him what he should never forget.
He's a cancer. He's a spy. He's a traitor. And he should die.
But the will to live, oh. It's such a difficult thing.
It made him want to dream and hope for the better.
Why couldn't he have what all others had?
He had to try.
Yet, the truth was told and it went quite wrong.
Kaeya thought he'd receive a hug like the one Master Crepus had given to him when he confessed. Crying and holding onto his father's waist, Kaeya felt true relief for the first time in Mondstadt.
His sins were being absolved.
He was accepted despite where he came from.
His father's sturdy hands brushed away his wet bangs as Master Crepus knelt down with a softness in his words, "Tell Diluc too, my son. I'm sure he'll understand. And your past, you can let it go now. I'll protect you with our name for you are no more Kaeya Alberich. You're Kaeya Ragnvindr. You're not a spy anymore. You're my son. And you'll be safe here, I promise."
Kaeya's lip quivered…the tenderness in those red eyes…didn't match his brother's.
Diluc, didn't…. He couldn't even tell him all the truth before the fiery blade swung at him.
Diluc didn't care that he was visionless. Kaeya couldn't attack with intent but only parry.
Of course, he didn't deserve the time to speak it all, the patience of being heard.
He was trash.
Kaeya could only stand over the freshly planted flowerbed near the cathedral.
Whispering, "Dad…Diluc didn't take it well. I can't even hide in your name anymore. You're not here…and my brother isn't here either. He's just…someone else. I'm sorry. He's broken now. I fear he'll never trust me again or trust in general. Then again dad…why did you? Why did you? Dad? Come back. Please? Diluc needs you. I need…you."
Kaeya slumped down before his father's newly made grave, the dirt still fresh and the patches of grass.
Kaeya sobbed for what felt hours, never lifting his palms from his eyes. If anyone were to strike him down, he'd allow it.
He was a destroyer of families.
He was trash.
And when Diluc left, he had to take over the position he had coveted for so long.
What misery was it to be granted the position of acting Captain when the better twin had left.
Cruel irony.
Heck, they didn't even look or sound alike. Only their last name tied them together. And even then, he wasn't a Ragnvindr no more.
Just Alberich and even Alberich was a false name. His true last name held power from the gods. That was why each generation after the God's finally looked upon his city with favor, did they hide their names of power.
Kaeya stood letting the flashbacks consume him.
"Shit, so this is how it feels like to die. All my regrets surging up from their graves? That's awful. Where the bloody hell are the good memories? Mom…mom…why can't I see you?"
Kaeya remained in front of the bar for what felt like an eternity as he felt the life inch out of him more and more.
He knew he should try to save himself.
He fought long and hard against his opponent.
But he didn't manage to win.
Instead, he let him slip away as he laid in the grass unable to get up anymore. The only reason he had been able to arrive to Mondstadt was through sheer willpower alone.
That maybe this was alright, that it was okay to be slain.
That the slayer had been justified and Kaeya was always a sinner.
He had to pay.
He could go to the statue of seven.
It could help him a little bit. He could survive.
But there was something about this…that he needed to do.
He was tired.
Tired was an understatement. Tired was a lie. He was already dead but still alive.
He wanted to rest, even if it meant resting forever.
Tears threatened to sting his eye rims as he bit down. Foul fury and pain rung in his thoughts.
The regrets of not helping Aether find or reunite with his sister punched him to his gut, making him let out a stifled sob. He'd not be there for it.
He'd not see Noelle reach the team officially although she was always working with him as if she was already reinstated. He had wanted to plan for her a welcoming to the team party. Jean would be able to do it. He hoped.
He'd not see Klee grow up. Her smiling face dazzling with all the innocence and joy in the world, at him, as he felt the sadness of not deserving it, bite hard. He need not see such faces of kindness look at him in such a manner.
He was a vile and undeserving man.
A spy. A traitor. A lie and a liar.
He'd not see Eula become truly accepted into Mondstadt. He knew what a sweetheart and kind gentle soul she was. But she had Amber and Rosaria and Albedo now. They'd help her.
He'd not see Rosaria become a true proper nun. He'd pay money for that actually. He still needed to clear his tab with her. He was sure…she'd take it out of the savings he had. He'd allow her to take all of it.
He'd not see Guy become a captain like him or Swan and Lawrence rise up the ranks.
He'd not see Diona finally create that absolute nightmare of a cocktail.
Both Albedo's he had friended somehow.
It was always amusing having the real one on edge as Kaeya let it slip of all the things, he had adventured with the fake one.
Seeing the wheels turn on his other Captain…on whether he would finally admit there was another him…always made Kaeya laugh. Albedo had yet to reveal such a truth, perhaps out of fear or out of courtesy for his other self. Kaeya didn't know.
He'd not see Varka return or see Jean's happy face when she was finally relieved of her duties. She held out so strong for so long in their absence. He was proud of her and everything she did.
He'd not crack any more jokes with Lisa or spin her around the dance floor. She always looked at him with such understanding eyes. Of emerald and of mirth. She was just too kind and patronizing. He loved that.
Kaeya felt the world turn black as he felt his face hit forward into the door. HE shook himself awake as he cursed.
"Fuck!"
He almost kicked the bucket right then and there.
No. He had to withstand the pain a little more.
He gently laid is palm against the door as he pushed it open.
This was it. He was inside.
The familiar ring of the bell alerting someone come in, was now his church's chime. He wouldn't be here to hear those bells of departure.
If this was goodbye now... He'd make it quick and then.
He'd leave Mondstadt and throw himself into the lake. What a fitting end for a rat like him. He deserved it.
He would hate drowning. He almost drowned twice in his life. None of those experiences left him choosing dying by suffocation as a first choice. But what could he do?
His insides were already burning from the sharp steel he had encountered. He didn't want any more of that. He had been poisoned countless times and they all felt like a bad trip, so that was out of the option.
Drowning. Letting it take him. That was the only way.
But for now, he let the fake suns of hanging lights bring about this warm fuzz. He felt like he was floating and he felt like he was lead.
Venti wasn't there nor Rosaria.
Shame.
He wanted to see them once last time.
But Venti and Rosaria were quicker to pick things up than Diluc. Maybe it had been for the best, he mused.
His brother was there wiping the counter with an irritated expression.
Of course, someone threw up. Its smell still hung in the air ever so slightly.
Diluc looked up at the new customer who was just Kaeya and rolled his eyes as he muttered, "Course."
Kaeya made sure to not hunch over as he steadily concentrated each step to look as normal as can be.
He then sat on his favorite chair. He was going to miss that chair.
That stupid stool had lifted him up from all his secrets. Had been beneath him for all the giggles, rumors, and hearty drunken laughter that he shared with Venti, Eula, and Rosaria.
Kaeya felt himself sway but no one paid heed.
He thought to himself, "What a good chair. You're so good to me, even in the end. May many other people sit here and drink with joy. I sure did."
Everyone there was too drunk or chattering away at their own gossip of the day.
Kaeya sat himself down letting the sweat take over as he felt a chill gnaw at his chest.
Diluc wondered why Kaeya hadn't greeted him nor flash that stupid smile. The swagger in Kaeya was as if it was turned off today, which did unsettle him. But he paid it no mind.
We all have off days, Diluc thought rationally.
Diluc finally finished cleaning that green twisted mess and sprayed some last disinfectant on the counter. He threw the rag into the trash as he made his way to Kaeya's corner.
"Late clock in today. At least, you Favonius scum are doing your work and not lazing around. Ahem, what can I get for you Captain of the Knights," Diluc haughtily simmered.
Kaeya looked up at him with a tired expression and let himself smile.
Diluc was taken aback.
He's seen Kaeya's smile in all its twisted forms. This one…held no fakeness nor edge. It was soft and genuine. It was strange!
Diluc faltered as he regained his composure shifting his apron under his gloves letting out a sharp cough.
"Kaeya, your drink?"
Kaeya hummed as he looked away and brought his hand out clinking mora onto the counter.
"Can I have…. grape juice?"
Diluc did a double take. Was Kaeya ordering the drink he always hated?
Diluc flatly hissed, "You're absolutely joking right now aren't you." He cocked his head in anger.
He had a tough day today during his vigilante runs before coming to Angel's share to cover Charles's shift.
Whatever play Kaeya was making here, he was not in the mood for it.
Kaeya remained silent as he finally said mustering all the fakeness he could, "I meant what I asked for brother, grape juice…please."
Diluc spat out quickly, "Not your brother."
Kaeya nodded as he mumbled, "I know what I am not to you. To me, you still are. Grape Juice. Be quick cause I got to go soon."
Diluc frowned deeply at that he had just been told but decided to not argue it. He nodded while taking Kaeya' money away from the countertop. That was when he saw the blood under Kaeya's palms and nails. It was still relatively wet.
Diluc was about to say something when Kaeya sneezed and rubbed his nose on the cloaks sleeve.
"Sorry. The cold is setting in. I…will go home right after this. Finally. I'll go home."
Diluc had missed the inuendo as he felt like he needed to address why Kaeya's palms were bloody. Was it his blood or of someone else's?
"Ka-."
Diluc was called by a group for refills as he became torn on what to do. He frowned at their ill timing while looking back at Kaeya who had started picking at his sleeves.
He sighed knitting his brows.
He went into the kitchen and poured some grape juice with Kaeya's standard of 3 ice cubes. Nothing less and nothing more, just how he liked all his drinks. He came out and placed it in front of Kaeya. He meant to say something but all he could say was, "I want to talk with you. I'll be right back."
Diluc walked away as he heard Kaeya say, "It's alright. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe in a tomorrow, we'll talk again."
Diluc was wondering if Kaeya had already come drunk as he heard his voice sort of far away and slurring.
Of course. Kaeya probably had a scuffle outside and had a drink coming back. Needed to sober up a bit before heading to sleep by drinking his all-time hated drink. Made sense.
Diluc felt the small worry extinguish as he picked up the empty and half-filled glasses off the table and onto his tray. One of the gentleman's latched onto his arm calling him a pretty girl.
"Sigh."
Of course, this happened from time to time, when everyone's vision became so blurry, that Diluc looked so dazzling. Diluc shoved his client away from him politely as he said, "Cyprus, you're going to regret saying that in the morning. Come off."
"Huh? Where did that beautiful ponytailed redhead girl go?"
Diluc signed heavily once more as he tutted, "She was never here. It's only ever been me. Let go."
Cyprus whined as he apologized, with Jack almost bursting into tears from laughter, his palms slamming down on the table repeatedly as Cyprus's both ears turned red.
He sputtered sheepishly, "S-s-sorry Master Diluc, I a-apologize."
Diluc waved him off as if had done no damage as he took the last dirty napkin off the table.
Diluc was turning around when Kaeya had already gotten up and had been looking at him.
How long had Kaeya been studying him?
Kaeya stood there in his dark grey cape as Diluc noticed a liquid pooling at the bottom of Kaeya's boots. Had it been raining? He made a note to wipe the floor with a mop soon, so the drunkards wouldn't slip.
So much work for a wine tycoon. So much work for a bartender.
Kaeya lifted his hand and waved for some reason. And then Kaeya turned around and went for the door. The door opened and was shut closed. The familiar bell chiming.
Diluc went to the back of the counter and went into the kitchen placing the empty bottles and glasses down. He should wipe the floor now. He took the mop and came out. As he paced around the counter to its corner, finally making his way to the front when he halted to a screeching halt.
The liquid he had mistaken as water was not water.
It was blood, bright and fresh mixed with a darker blood.
Diluc's eyes widened with horror as he felt his throat grow dry.
He made no sound as he laid the mop against the wall where an absent Jose usually strummed his old tired lyre strings and suddenly ran out the bar.
Kaeya hadn't even been close to reaching the entrance of Mondstadt when he felt a hand grab him from behind.
"H-Hey! K-Kaeya!"
Kaeya had no strength and fell back as he felt strong hands catch him and held him upwards.
Kaeya's eye was hazy as he tried to register who had stopped him.
He wanted them to let go.
He wasn't going to languish here in the public's eye.
He needed to drown in the lake.
Diluc spun him around while looking angry, raging red meeting vulnerable azure.
He began to bark harshly, "Hey, if you're hurt, get yourself to the statue of seven! Don't just come in and order a stupid drink!" He venomously hissed, letting the anger and hurt blister on his tongue.
But that was when Diluc's rage flipped into shock.
Diluc grabbed onto Kaeya's shoulders tighter as he was looking at his brother's drained and ashen face.
Kaeya's eye was unfocused as if he was far away.
It was only a few seconds later did Kaeya's star pupil refocus on him and he asked, "Diluc? What? Are you…doing here?"
Diluc felt cold, unsure of what was happening.
"Kaeya, what happened?"
Kaeya nodded as he slurred tiredly, "Let me go. I'm going home now."
Diluc grunted a deep and hasty no, as he took Kaeya by the arm and began to drag him by the shoulder. There was no way in hell that he was allowing the knight captain to go home after being in this state. He needed medical attention and fast.
He had yet to make sure of how the injuries were, but that could wait till they arrived to Jean and the deaconess. First, he'd get Kaeya to the statue of 7 near the plaza and have him heal up to 50% as the statue usually does. Then the other two could heal more specifically and further in.
"No, you're not going home. You don't seem well in the slightest. Let's heal you up at- hey!"
Kaeya fell down not letting his arms come forward to catch himself. Diluc quickly grabbed him from his waist, preventing Kaeya's head and shoulders from smashing into the cobblestone.
The rising fear began to sound alarm as he saw Kaeya's limp form fall heavier in his grasp. He put Kaeya to the ground as he turned him over. Kaeya's eye looked foggy as he was closing it as if to go to sleep.
"Kaeya? Kaeya?"
Diluc held onto Kaeya's lulling head in his palm as he finally lifted what was underneath the cape.
Diluc's vision heated up as he felt one of his hairs go on fire, from emotional cues.
Kaeya's whole chest and sides were bloodied, drenched in a red brown color.
"KAEYA," Diluc screamed.
He didn't open his eye as Diluc began to shake him.
"Kaeya, this isn't funny! What happened to you?! Who did this?!"
Diluc saw it then…the vision on Kaeya's hip turning grey. A small light of blue remained, almost out of sight.
"No," Diluc fearful gasped as it felt like all the bells in the cathedral were ringing and shaking him to his very core.
"SHIT!"
Diluc picked up Kaeya as he struggled to get up. His claymores were all heavy. This would be nothing.
He wasn't letting this happen.
This wasn't even happening at all.
It was a cruel hoax spun out of control. This was not happening!
Kaeya opened his eye lightly as he stirred once more, "Di…l…" he whispered.
Diluc shouted while running up the steps with Kaeya in his arms.
"You stupid, fuck! What happened to you?"
"…I…don't…remember…"
Diluc felt his blood freeze as he continued running up the stairs, not breaking any stride.
Diluc felt his brother become really cold as he felt his heart panicking more and more.
Diluc repeated miserably, "Don't go to sleep. Don't fall asleep. You hear?"
Kaeya nimbly nodded before saying, "I'm sorry…I'm sorry…for existing this long in your life…brother. I'm sorry…I should have left faster…or not have gone at all to the…bar…but I wanted to talk with you one last time…I wanted to see your face…I don't know why…"
Kaeya trailed off as Diluc felt Kaeya's body become more relaxed.
Diluc firmly stated, keeping his stifles of sobs in check, "K-k-Kaeya…you weren't going to come? H-hey, don't relax! Don't sleep!"
Kaeya didn't move but kept staring ahead…fighting to keep his eye open.
"Shit, Kaeya. No…. You…you don't need to be apologizing to me…for nothing. I…I'm the one who needs to be apologizing to you…I'm sorry. I haven't…been the brother you needed."
Even Diluc was stunned allowing himself to call Kaeya his brother.
When had that become so hard for him to say?
Why did it feel so right and easy to say?
Had it been that easy to say?
Kaeya felt his head finally able to recline back as he looked at Diluc the best he could. He couldn't move anything anymore.
He couldn't even turn his neck.
"Luc…I'm sorry…I'll…see you tomorrow…tomorrow…"
Diluc felt hot tears not burst as he could barely hear a single world Kaeya had said. The words were too far as he finally made it up the final stretch of steps and lunged himself towards the statue.
"No, Kaeya, no!"
Diluc bitterly spat as he saw with the corner of his eye Kaeya's vision turn grey. He had just arrived. It wasn't too late!
Diluc fell to the ground right in front of the Statue's healing radius. He placed Kaeya down as fast and as gently as he could. He didn't wait for his vision to light up. He quick began to pump his hands onto his chest and blow air into his mouth. Kaeya didn't stir as the healing did not heal his body.
Right. Healing only happens to the living.
Diluc felt the silence from his brother as he continued giving him cpr.
"Come back, Kaeya. Don't do this to me. YOU can't. YOU ABOVE all other's can't do this to me! Kaeya!"
Diluc began screaming as he kept pushing his fists down on the wet ribcage and met his lips. They were cold. A faint taste of grape juice was there. But nothing else.
"Kaeya….no…"
Diluc's face grimaced as it contorted in immense pain. It was if he had been kicked in the heart and the face altogether.
"KAEYA!"
Kaeya didn't stir as Diluc's tears spilled out more and more.
It was already night. Everyone was at home. Only those in Angel's Share and Cat's Tail were up.
That was when Diluc saw Kaeya's vision light up just a tad, as the healing effects then finally made their green light on top of Kaeya.
Kaeya shuddered lightly as he was choking.
Diluc quickly lifted his head and turned him to the side. Blood seeped out of his mouth as Kaeya gagged tiredly, unable to make any true effort at all.
Diluc rubbed his back in a circle harshly as he held Kaeya's head in his left palm, shaking him, to let the liquid leave.
"Kaeya…Kaeya…." Diluc repeated tiredly, laced with worry, fear, and frustration.
Kaeya weakly cough out as he gasped and gasped brokenly.
"BARBATOS!" Diluc screamed.
"PLEASE HEAR MY PRAYER! GIVE KAEYA WIND IN HIS LUNGS! PLEASE!"
In what felt like a second, the Cathedral's proud wooden doors swung open with a twang.
The moonlight painted onto Venti in a painterly manner. Quickly, Venti came running from the cathedral, in his pajama's no less.
A white sleeping cap swayed from side to side. But as he flew towards Diluc, he quickly kneeled down to the two brother's that sat in front of his statue.
Diluc did a double take as he saw Venti in animal printed pajamas and bunny slippers adorn his feet. Still, it didn't matter.
"Venti," Diluc miserably cried.
"My archons…Diluc what happened? Kaeya," Venti stammered aghast, finally letting the blood reach his head.
Venti was waking up alright. It was starting to feel like some nightmare.
Venti lost no second as he brought his palms towards Kaeya's neck and let the blood resurge in bubble's out of him.
Venti lifted the blood droplets into the air and placed them beside him, making sure that Kaeya's throat was not clogged anymore.
He quickly put is palm on Kaeya's chest and Diluc saw that he was breathing much better.