Anything related to Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer.

Bpov

On our way home dad kept looking at me weirdly. Like he knew something was bugging me. And not the usual. But to my relief, he didn't say anything. He just took my stuff upstairs while I stumbled up behind him. Only now did I notice that Edward didn't get to show me around the library. Well, he can do that next time. Now that I had agreed to make this a continuous arrangement I would be seeing him a lot.

I remember how my heart had begun to race when he asked me before dinner. I felt warm and secure and actually looked forward to something because he wanted to see me again. Often. Even if it wasn't for fun that didn't matter to me.

Then he started to get that look in his eyes. The one I had seen yesterday when I thought he was about to kiss me I began to hope. Thinking I could finally tell Alice that someone did have that kind of interest in me. That he didn't just want to be friends. But just like last time he stopped and backed up again leaving me feeling rejected. And that stung. After getting to feel the high I got when I was around him which was a first for me it was such a contrast to feeling like someone had used my chest as a pincushion.

Deciding to just get ready for bed now after the exhausting day I went straight to the bathroom. I leaned against the sink and washed my face. Looking in the mirror the water was dripping from my chin landing on my shirt and making a dark circle appear that grew bigger and bigger. My eyes were fixed on my face. I turn it reaching with my hand to a place behind my ear. The tip of my finger found the hard edge of the scar that went from behind my ear up into my hairline. I was lucky. If you didn't know it was there it was pretty much invisible. If you looked at it that way I guess I had luck with all of my injuries. Normal clothing could cover all of them for the most part and others were internal. This was probably the smallest one. If I considered the damage it did? It costing me my hearing? I would only put it in the top 3 of my injuries examining the impact it had on my life. Not that extreme regarding the circumstances I think.

I began brushing my teeth. While looking at myself I tried once again to listen to Alice's words. You sell yourself short...see yourself clearly...I'm just being realistic, aren't I? I see what is there. I regard not only the reality here and now but also the future and what is possible for me and...what just isn't. Alice is biased because she loves me and I love her too. She doesn't really have an objective view to see me clearly does she? My attitude is based on facts. First, I don't have any intriguing interests. I like art in all its forms from music to books. Besides, the stuff I did like that wasn't part of some sort of art I can't do anymore. Which makes me kind of boring.

Second, I'm not particularly pretty. I'm ok, I'll give myself that but not so much that someone would notice me. No one ever has. That I don't really care about appearance enhancing stuff like makeup, hairstyles and clothes doesn't help. I tried it for a while but I just felt like I was in a costume and had a mask on. I felt uncomfortable. Emmett threw a party when I gave all of the stuff back to Alice who was deeply disappointed that she couldn't do my make-up and go shopping with me which caused me to fear that that meant she didn't want to be my friend anymore. We had just been promised by my mom that we would be staying for a while. She had promised me all four years of high school. And I cherished the idea of having a longtime friend in Alice.

But in true Alice fashion, she didn't care. She just took the stuff back, shrugged it off and we hung out like always.

However, that was all before. I was a free, happy, innocent kid. I wasn't any of those things anymore. I was convinced Alice only was still by my side because she knew me before. Yet there was always a dreadful feeling in the back of my mind that she was waiting for me to be that person again. The person that was her best friend and didn't need her constant understanding so much. Imagining, that when she realized that wasn't going to happen she would turn away. Why shouldn't she? She was free, she could move on with her life. Go to college and make new friends. Flourish. She deserved that and so much more.

We had known each other since I turned fourteen. It may be my longest friendship besides Jacob but I'm sure she had childhood friends she knew longer and doesn't have any contact with anymore. It would be better for her.

Now that I had successfully talked myself out of one funk into another I should just go to bed. Why not try to sleep. I barely managed my nightly routine before I collapsed and was asleep within minutes.

I avoided Alice's calls all morning because I didn't want to talk about my stupidity yet. Regardless, she just kept calling. At lunch, I finally conceded defeat and went outside the cafeteria to a few wooden tables and banks that were probably never used considering the forks weather.

"Yes, Alice," I answered.

"There you are! Why weren't you answering your phone? I've been calling you." I sighed.

"I didn't want to talk." She was silent for a moment.

"What happened?"

"Turns out my pessimistic attitude was right so...jokes on you I guess." I gave a humorless chuckle.

"What do you mean?"

"I...I thought he was going to kiss me but turns out he didn't. That's the second time and I just sat there feeling stupid. And oh... I have to keep my cool because I'm going to see him every other day probably because we made plans before." I took a deep breath after I had expelled all that stuff. Why did you always feel better when you talked about something you didn't wanna talk about?

"Ok, give me a second." I cracked a smile. "So, why do you think he didn't?"

"Didn't what?"

"Didn't kiss you."

"Because he didn't want to? I doubt he wanted to. It was probably just my imagination, wishful thinking."

"No, I don't think so. Maybe he just changed his mind?" I huffed.

"Is that better? Him not thinking about it or thinking about it and then going na, I'd rather not." I realized how bitter I sounded.

"Bella, that's not what I meant. Maybe he has other reasons. There are lots of things that can keep a person from kissing someone." I just shrugged even though she couldn't see me.

"I don't think it even matters really. He didn't. For whatever reason. So now I have to stop thinking about him that way, otherwise, it will be awkward between us because of me." I sighed.

"Listen, just try to relax ok? He wants to spend time with you or he wouldn't have planned so much studying right?"

"Or he just wants better grades?" I suggested.

"Bella, maybe try not to think of the worst possible outcome." She said, clearly exasperated.

"Sorry, it's a defense mechanism," I mumbled. If there is one thing I learned from the therapy sessions after the accident it's that because the worst possible thing did happen to me, my mind wants to be prepared for anything like that ever happening again. This subsequently means I always think the worst in case it happens so I'm not blindsided. Fun, huh?

"No, I know that. I just...want you to experience something like that. You deserve it more than anyone." A sharp pang of guilt hits me, my eyes immediately filled with tears that I won't let fall. Another point we disagreed on. Wholeheartedly. I say nothing.

"I love you Bells." She interpreted my silence, probably guessing the reason.

"I love you too Ally." I took a deep breath expelling it shakily. The Bell rang after a minute of silence.

"I have to go," I said. We said goodbye and I braced myself for an awkward history class.

Epov

I retreated back into the cafeteria. I had gone out to see if Bella wanted company because I had noticed her sitting outside and not at her usual table with Angela. But when I went out there I overheard her talking on the phone. I wanted to leave her be and not listen in but then I heard her talking about a him. Was she talking about me? No, she could be talking about her dad or Jacob or someone else. It sounded like she had feelings for that someone. My heart sank. So that was the reason she was weird before her dad picked her up yesterday. She was uncomfortable with my advances. She had figured out that I had wanted to kiss her and because she already liked someone else that had made her uncomfortable.

I needed to compose myself and fast because she would be following me to our class and I didn't want her to notice my disappointment.

Sitting down at our table I took a deep breath. My mind was reeling from the snippets of information. Should I change my attitude towards her? or cancel our study sessions? No, I couldn't do that. I still wanted to see her. Get to know her. Even just as friends. And besides, as embarrassing as it was I needed her help. Before I could ponder any further she walked in the door. I noticed her gate had become smoother. maybe she was getting better. Her body getting used to all the walking. She didn't look at me when she sat down and took her stuff out of her bag. I decided to just start talking wanting to relay that I could manage to be a platonic friend.

"Hi, great weather today huh?" Awesome, the weather was a safe topic but also very odd for a normal conversation. She looked up and nodded before going back to her notes. What was she writing? The lesson hadn't even started. I didn't have to talk so loud anymore because we had switched places. It was stupid to have her always needing to turn her head to understand me.

"I'm just saying because I saw you sitting outside. Rare opportunity." She cracked a weak smile. Why wasn't she saying anything?

"Have you talked to your dad about tomorrow and the rest?" She looked up again.

"Yes, this morning. He can take me like yesterday." She nodded while speaking but wasn't looking me in the eyes. Had I made her that uncomfortable? Well, I could bail out now. So I gave her my best unbothered smile.

"Great, we can work on other subjects too you know? if you wanted to go over some of the other classes we have in common?" She just nodded again mumbling ok under her breath. The conversation was only getting more stilted throughout the lesson and she left with a quiet bye. How do I fix this?

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