notes: Happy 10th anniversary to the Hyouka anime, and 20th anniversary for the Kotenbu novel series by Hobonu Yonezawa!
Spoilers for "Even Though I'm Told I Now Have Wings". Please read that amazing canon hyouka short story from Volume 6 (english translation available on bakatsuki) before diving into this fic~
Written for a hyouka zine project I'm delighted and fulfilled and over the moon to be part of. Check out the free zine at itsalreadysprng on twitter!
I hope this serves as a nice bookend to what I started with "The Rain Is Trying To Tell Me Something". Enjoy!
Dedicated to all the colour of our youths and all we're going to become.
1.
Eru is seventeen when her world breaks, and eighteen when she is forced to acknowledge it. From across the desk, Omichi-sensei, who is now her homeroom teacher, slides a sheet of paper towards her. It's a late afternoon in the staff office and she's the last person in class to see him one-on-one.
"This is very unlike you, Chitanda-san."
Eru wonders why he says this, as if he knows who she is. She lowers her head and folds her hands in her lap. This is not to avoid the teacher's gaze, but because her stomach churns when she sees the career guidance form that she handed in last Tuesday: left completely blank save for the fields under "Name" and "Class".
"Of all the students I teach, I never expected you to pull such a stunt."
Eru realises that this is not about who she is in Omichi-sensei's eyes, but what is expected of her. Expectations—that tiresome word. She wants to tell Omichi that he is wrong. She remembers how easy it had been in first year, standing up in the middle of a harrowing Math class, raising her voice over his, saying what she felt was the honest truth.
Eru can do no such thing now, not when the truth is something that no longer favours her. She had deliberately submitted an empty form knowing that Omichi would notice. A novice's attempt at rebellion.
"You've never had a problem filling this in the last two years," Omichi continues. He pauses to remove his spectacles and look at her with an arched brow. "What happened?"
The sound of a door creaking open. The smell of rain mixed with exhaust from a passing bus. A cool summer night. Her father speaking. A sad song, memorised note for note, lilt by lilt, dying in her throat.
"I don't know," is what Eru chooses to say, her voice cracking just so.
Omichi runs a hand over his balding head. Instead of drawing upon his infamous short-temper, he hesitates before speaking. His stern eyes, with crow's feet gathering at the corners, remind Eru that he's an old teacher who has had to sit through career counselling for many, many years.
"I just need to do my job and make sure everyone hands in their forms so that we can mark this as done and file them away. Hand it in before graduation, alright?"
It is a deadline that is both much longer than she imagined, and still too soon. It is the spring of her third year of highschool and she only has one year to decide what she wants to do after graduation.
But, because she has been trained since young, Eru has always been an expert at saying:
"Yes. I will."
2.
"Art teacher."
Eru looks up from the page she is working on. Her eyes wander to the vibrant character posters plastered over the walls of the cosy bedroom and the bookshelf overflowing with volumes of manga before returning to Mayaka, who is inking delicate flowers with a worn out dip pen. Shouldn't the correct answer be 'manga artist'?
Two years ago, Mayaka had been too shy to even mention her aspirations in front of anyone apart from Fukube-san. Now, she is comfortable enough to let Eru apply screentones to a short story she intends to submit for a competition. Fukube-san had eagerly volunteered himself and a reluctant Houtarou to help as well, but Mayaka announced, hands slamming on the table in the Geog Prep Room: "No! I only trust Chi-chan!"
Eru runs her fingers over the sheets of screentones she and Mayaka bought during an excursion to the city's largest stationary store. She cherished that Sunday afternoon where the only worries on her mind were whether Mayaka would be able to get all the tools she needed, and whether her favourite brand of tofu would be in stock at the supermarket afterwards.
If Mayaka were to become a professional manga artist, Eru could be content being one of her manga assistants. She's done reasonably well in art class, and she'd have the time in university to take up training. At least, that was a possibility that Eru considered as she sat on the bus that passed through Mayaka's neighbourhood this morning. Now, even a silly daydream is not something she can take momentary comfort in.
"That's what I wrote on my form," Mayaka says when she doesn't hear a reply.
"Right!" Eru straightens her posture as she responds. She'd been the one who asked in the first place. She places the penknife down as she apologises for her silence: "Sorry, Mayaka-chan. I was a little surprised by your answer. I always assumed you wanted to be a manga artist."
Her close friend summons up a tired half-smile. "Yes, but just because it's a dream of mine doesn't mean that I'll be able to achieve it."
This quiet modesty, this refusal to take her future for granted even though this is something she's read and collected and drawn on sketchbook pages for since she was a young girl, only makes Eru aware of her past naivety in all that she assumed she would do after graduation. She feels something unfurl in her chest, and cannot tell if it is warm admiration or burning envy.
If this is true, if Mayaka doesn't truly believe in herself, what would be the purpose of all those years? Of all the savings she's spent on art materials? Of the excruciating all-nighter she pulled yesterday to finish this full draft? Eru needs to know. But Mayaka has gone back to work, disinterested in explaining further.
"You can," Eru says, because she cannot accept any other answer.
Mayaka doesn't say anything at first. Maybe she's become too engrossed with the page in front of her. When she does look up, it's with squinted eyes and a small pout.
"Chi-chan. You and Fuku-chan can be so alike sometimes."
Eru does not know if this is meant to be a criticism or a compliment. She cocks her head to the side.
"I know you two really believe in me, and I appreciate that." Mayaka reaches over the low table to hold Eru's empty hand. "But it doesn't matter how many times you repeat it. It won't be enough for me to achieve my dream," she says plainly. "It's going to take much more than that, and I'll never know if what I'm doing now is enough until I actually get there."
Dotting Mayaka's fingers and palm are the rough calluses of a girl who has a dream nonetheless. Eru could never compare her family business: passed down by authority through generations, something she was promised she'd have, until it was no longer the case, to Mayaka's aspiration: self-taught and unsanctioned, something she doesn't even dare to promise to herself.
"But if you don't believe in yourself, why do you still work so hard then?" Eru hates that her question is urgent and desperate and selfish, and she thinks she must have crossed a line the moment that these words leave her lips.
To her surprise, Mayaka does not take offence. No, her tired expression shifts into a smile that is easy and genuine.
"Because no matter what, I love manga."
This answer is simple. If only Eru could think of her dreams in the same light. But the only thing she can do now is to continue applying screentones, sitting with the searing realisation that she is envious of Mayaka Ibara.
3.
Every summer, Eru accompanies her aunt for her annual checkup at the city hospital.
Despite what happened at last year's Choir Festival, she is not treated any differently. Eru remembers, quietly, that she is still her niece, and Yokote-san is still the aunt that let her sneak into that old storehouse ever since she was a child. And when her aunt insists that she doesn't need company, she only says this as a formality.
They share a sun umbrella as they walk from the bus stop to the hospital grounds, and discover upon reaching that the clinic they are supposed to go to has moved due to renovations at the east wing of the hospital.
Yokote-san is patient as Eru tries to figure out where the clinic has relocated to, sitting down on a bench near the reception desk, her thin hands propped on her walking cane.
"Excuse me, may I ask where I can find this clinic?" Eru hands the appointment card over to the receptionist.
"That would be Block E, Level 6, Wing B, Room 6.127. Walk down the hallway, take two lefts, follow the blue arrow signs, and ride the escalator up to the second floor, and then cross the link bridge. You should see the lift lobby on your right," the young man answers at inhuman speed, tucking the card back into the open palm of a stunned Eru and calling to the person waiting in line behind her.
Before Eru can ask him to repeat himself, someone else takes the card from her hand.
"Do you need help?"
As she turns to see who it is, she should be less surprised. This is, after all, the hospital owned by that family. But no one has seen Irisu since graduation last year.
"Irisu-san, you're back from Tokyo!" Eru throws her arms out with elation, only to receive a curt nod in reply.
Sheepishly, she tucks her hands under her elbows, remembering that Fuyumi Irisu isn't much for hugs. This is followed by the belated observation that the hospital staff are stealing glances at them, quite a feat, given that they're all running back and forth in the hallways.
A smile flashes across Irisu's face nonetheless. "It's nice to see you too," she says in consolation, her hair falling across her eyes, reminding Eru too that her senior is much kinder than she lets herself seem.
With Irisu leading the way, they find the clinic just five minutes before the appointment is scheduled. When her name is called by a nurse, Yokote-san waves farewell to Irisu with a gloved hand.
As the door of the doctor's office closes with a soft click, Eru is left outside with Irisu. The two of them sit along a row of chairs in the waiting area, and Irisu leaves an empty seat between them.
"We haven't spoken much since I left," she says as she folds her arms in a familiar posture. "How have things been?"
"Nothing much has changed," Eru replies, preferring to think of how the city and the school has remained the way it's always been. "But the hospital… I didn't know that there would be a new building."
"My family wants to establish a centre for obstetrics & gynaecology. By the time I've completed my studies, I'll apply to do my residency here." Irisu says the next sentence with precious certainty: "It will be my testing ground."
Was Eru supposed to have been tested by her parents too? She never even had the chance to prove herself. Or, perhaps, she'd failed a test she didn't know she was taking. No, that's not true. She'd known since she was five-years old. She did as she was told, studied and practiced and memorised songs and perfected etiquette and yet...
"Enough about me. Chitanda-san, what I really meant to ask was how have things been for you?"
Eru wants to give Irisu the benefit of the doubt—that she is asking this out of genuine concern, not as the heir to the Irisu family who would no doubt need to maintain relations with the other clans in Kamiyama. Not because her parents have asked her to find out why the Chitanda family has been so secretive on the matter. Though, how could Eru blame them for being curious? Curiosity is only natural, isn't it?
She hesitates before answering Irisu as honestly as she can. "Well, I've been trying to figure out what I'd like to do after graduation."
"I'm sure you'll find something that interests you. Good luck with it."
Her words are soft, and yet prick sharp at Eru's skin. She balls her hands into the fabric of her skirt.
"Do you really think so, Irisu-san?"
She must notice Eru's shoulders stiffening, because she presses her lips together and tucks her hair behind her ear, breaking eye contact.
"I'm…" Fuyumi Irisu falters in a rare moment, before straightening her posture once more. "I always saw you as a kindred spirit, Chitanda-san. It made the future seem less daunting, knowing that someone else was going through the same thing as me, who understands what it feels like. But, it seems that is no longer the case."
In Irisu's voice, there is the faintest hint of loneliness. Of wistfulness. Slowly, Eru relaxes her hands and smoothes the creases out of her skirt.
"What would you do if you were in my shoes?" she asks, and succeeds in sounding less selfish this time.
Irisu raises her brow at this, as if the thought had never crossed her mind before. She considers this question for a few seconds before speaking. "It's not my position to say. Or rather, it would be too thoughtless of me, to imagine what I would do if I had the choice." She pauses to take a quiet breath, and exhales. "It would be a little cruel to think about it."
Eru thought her senior would be able to give her an easy answer. Instead, all she knows is that her and Irisu's paths, once parallel, have now inevitably forked.
"But I look forward to seeing what you'll do, Chitanda-san."
Irisu shifts herself in one smooth motion, so that there is no seat between them now. Eru remembers that this so-called "Ice Queen" was also the class chairperson who went through great lengths to ensure that her class produced a film that they could be proud of. Who helped the Classics Club sell excess copies of an anthology no one wanted to read. Who single-handedly took care of a dozen students who were hit with food poisoning without hesitation.
Who, when they were children, played hide-and-seek with her out in the garden when their parents weren't looking.
She leans into Irisu's arm, and Irisu doesn't move away.
"Thank you, Irisu-san."
4.
Between the gaps in the canopy of trees, she can see the mountains of Kamiyama cast in the glow of the late afternoon sun. Eru is cycling along the old bike paths today, and she is accompanied by biking enthusiast and vice president of the Classics Club: Satoshi Fukube.
When she first asked Satoshi if he wanted to go bike-riding together, she hadn't expected him to reply so quickly. In fact, she'd asked him this over the phone just yesterday evening, and he agreed instantly, saying that he knew the perfect route, one that would take them through Kamiyama's scenic views within the afternoon.
The landmarks they pass are both places she recognises, and yet, completely new. She's never seen that peak from this angle before, or been to this side of the forest. The tires of the mountain bike Satoshi helped to rent splash through a small stream, one which she didn't know existed till today. Her friend slows down to wait for her as she takes in everything, from the richness of the earth to the abundance of plants. This scent was only faintly familiar to her, having never ventured so deep into the woods.
It is an unexpected delight, to realise that there is still so much she doesn't know about her hometown.
Satoshi removes his helmet and hangs it from the handlebar of his bright yellow bike.
"Pretty cool, right?" he says as he uncaps his water bottle for a sip.
Eru nods profusely as she pushes herself off the bike saddle. "I've never been to this part of the woods before. We should do this more often! We can ask Mayaka-chan and Oreki-san along next time."
"I wonder who would slow us down more—Houtarou and Mayaka." Satoshi taps a finger on his chin. "Houtarou moves at a snail's pace, but Mayaka always gets nervous when there's no bike path paved out. She might even be slower than Houtarou."
"Ah, I see…"
"But it's been fun doing this with you, Chitanda-san," Satoshi pipes up. "You have no problem keeping up and you're pretty confident despite the fact that this is your first time trying this route. As expected from the daughter of the Chitanda family!"
Hearing this, a punchline constructed of half-joke and half-expectation, Eru does not know how to respond. She hears a strained laugh, and belatedly realises that the sound came from her.
"I'm sorry, it was a really bad joke, huh?" Satoshi scratches his head and sighs.
Eru doesn't reply Satoshi at first. She tilts her head and spots a tree stump with cute little mushrooms poking out from between its roots. Only after sitting herself down on it, does she speak.
"What if I wasn't anymore, Fukube-san? What would you call me then?"
She remembers how the first time she met Satoshi in the clubroom, he already knew who she was. All because of her family's name and the whispered rumours people liked to spread. What kind of rumours were there now, after two years and one promise broken?
"Why, the girl with the insatiable curiosity, of course!"
Eru presses her lips together. She unclips her bike helmet and cradles it in her hands. The heels of her sports shoes dig into the soil as she tries to be satisfied with Satoshi's answer.
"Man, I need to stop cracking jokes," the boy remarks. "Okay. Serious Satoshi here. What's bugging you? I'm no Houtarou, but maybe this database can help you figure something out. Or, try at least." He sits crossed legged near her feet, dry leaves crunching underneath his weight. "That's why you called me yesterday, right? You usually only call me to remind me about deadlines, so I was pretty spooked. When it was for this instead, I was thrilled!"
True, Satoshi does owe her a piece for Hyouka , but that can wait. She's asked him out today because she wants to hear his perspective.
"Fukube-san, what would you do if something you thought would always happen, doesn't happen? I've grown up thinking I would be a farmer, or the head of my family's business. Now that that's no longer the case, what should I do?" A melody of a bird in an open cage rings in her ears, and it is both beautiful and painful. "Even though I'm told I now have wings, where can I fly?"
"Where do you want to go?" Satoshi asks without hesitation. He's one of the few people who wouldn't bat an eye at a young girl's dramatic metaphors. His direct question prompts Eru to answer without overthinking.
"That's the problem. I don't quite know where to start, finding a dream. I never learned how to do it. I never had the opportunity to think about it till now."
"Chitan—" Satoshi stops. He looks at her and she looks at him. Then, he opens his mouth and tries again: "Chi-san?"
Eru nods in approval.
Satoshi grins. "Chi-san, you know it's normal, right? Not having a dream?"
As she considers these words, Satoshi continues. "Heck, I don't know what I want to be. I just copied Mayaka and wrote 'teacher' on my career form to get it over and done with. Anyway, that means I can study just about anything." He throws his arms up in the air for emphasis.
"I think you'd make a good teacher, Fukube-san." Eru cannot resist giving him encouragement.
"Sure, I wouldn't mind being one." The boy shrugs with nonchalance, picking at small shoots in the ground before returning his attention to her. "So, same for you. You don't need to come up with a brand new dream right now. I think all you need is just a push in the right direction, something that you could explore doing in the long term."
Eru does not want to ask for too much again, so she settles. "I suppose so."
Satoshi crosses his arms and puffs out his chest. "Well, you came to the right person. Let's start with what you like!"
"What do I like?" She thinks about freshly washed eggplants and the sound of rain and green eyes, and nearly startles herself.
Thankfully, Satoshi doesn't seem to notice. "Y'know, like your hobbies and such."
"Right, my hobbies." She wills herself to focus on a more appropriate response. "I enjoy cooking and calligraphy. But I never imagined pursuing a career in those fields."
"Well, now's the time to imagine. What can you see yourself doing in the future? Go on, just try it."
Eru shifts in her seat and feels the moss squelch under the soles of her shoes. She closes her eyes, hoping that this will help the process. She tries to envision herself wearing a chef's hat, or doing brush work on pure white rice paper. Around her is the smell of the forest, wrapped around her like a blanket, and the tree stump and the soil underneath her is firm and full of warmth. Without meaning to, she begins to listen out for bird calls and the trickle of water from the nearby stream, for the sounds she's always heard, and wants to continue to hear. She sees herself on this land, tending to it and watching over it, the way it's always cared for her ever since she was born.
Ah. She still loves this place even though it no longer needs her.
When she opens her eyes, she notices that Satoshi has leaned forward onto his hands, waiting for her grand answer.
Instead, she breathes in and out, savouring the sweetness of the air and the sunlight on her skin. After all that has been taken from her, at least she still has this to herself.
"Fukube-san, do people usually dream about things that make them happy?"
Satoshi quirks an eyebrow. "I suppose so. I mean, it makes sense to want to achieve something that brings you satisfaction and joy."
She smiles politely, a habit from years of etiquette training, a tool to use before making your point heard. "Is it peculiar then, that what I'm thinking of only makes me feel frustrated and helpless? Would it be alright for me to still pursue such a dream?"
Satoshi falls back onto the pile of leaves behind him. Perhaps, her question is too difficult, because his answer is: "Well… a database can't draw conclusions."
Eru shakes her head, refusing to accept this.
"I'm not asking you as a database, Fukube-san. I'm asking you as a friend."
Satoshi is momentarily stunned, as if the shield he puts up to avoid difficult topics has been rendered completely useless. After many afternoons in the Geography Prep Room, Eru has come to understand him just a bit.
Eventually, he relaxes his shoulders in quiet resignation, knowing that Eru would pester him until she got a proper answer.
"Then, my answer is 'yes'. In fact, it's okay to try and decide if it hurts too much, to give up halfway, or to try something completely new if you feel like it. Dreams aren't set in stone, after all, and there's so much possibilities out there to explore," Satoshi muses. "Mayaka would probably say that this is a coward's way of doing things, and maybe she's right, but it's also the less painful method."
Eru thinks about Mayaka, fierce and unrelenting. And then there was Satoshi, gentle and kind.
"I think what both of you have to say has merit."
Hearing this, Satoshi gets up onto his feet and strolls back to his bike. "Coming from you, Chi-san? That makes me feel better. Really. And at the end of the day, no matter who's right, the most important thing is that we try, right?"
Just trying. Eru wonders if that will be enough.
"Well, let's get going. Mayaka might not be mad at you, but she'll kill me for being late! And I'd hate for us to arrive after Houtarou. He's walking to Pineapple Sand and we're on our bikes. How embarrassing would that be?"
Eru laughs at this, without hesitation this time. And so the two of them get on their bikes and set off down the corridor of trees, back to Kamiyama town.
5.
During her final Kanya Fest, Eru Chitanda is on a mission: to visit every single stall across Kamiyama High's annual culture festival and learn about every single interest group. The idea visits her one night while she is lying next to her favourite eggplant doll and flipping through university brochures. Summer is over and her career aspirations form remains blank.
She decides that perhaps the best way to discover something new she can be passionate about is let others convince her. Even as the memories of Kamiyama's lush forests are fresh in her mind. Even though she continues going out to the farms when her parents aren't around to check on the crops.
Come the first day of Kanya Fest, she faces just one slight conundrum. That is, who will look after the Geog Prep Room in the rare event any visitors come to this quiet corner of the school looking for a copy of Hyouka ?
"I'll do it." Houtarou raises his hand only halfway to volunteer. "I can stay here for the whole festival."
It is early in the morning, but Satoshi is already bursting with energy. "Wait, wait, wait! The whole festival? Haven't you already done that the past two years? This is your last chance to experience the Kanya Fest as a student here, Houtarou! Even you must be a tiny bit interested." He measures this unit of curiosity with his thumb and index finger.
Mayaka makes a cute little noise and says, "Don't waste your breath, Fuku-chan."
"I could take turns with Oreki-san," Eru offers.
"Chi-chan, if you're serious about seeing everything, you won't have time to! Don't let him ruin your plans." Mayaka's voice is stern as she puts her hands on her hips.
Eru cannot disagree with her. Given Kamiyama High's multitude of clubs, to even cover everything within a three day period was already a challenge. If not for Satoshi's help planning how best to tackle them, Eru wouldn't even know where to begin.
As Satoshi and Mayaka start chatting about their schedule for the festival, Houtarou takes his handphone out of his pocket. Eru is only able to see him checking his phone from the corner of her eye, but an important message must have come in, because he immediately puts down his phone and says, "On second thought, is it okay for me to take a break this morning? I'll be back after lunch."
Mayaka furrows her brow as Satoshi smirks.
"Lucky you, Houtarou. I have the morning off."
"Wha- I don't understand- Fuku-chan, we were supposed to go and check out the Fashion Club together!"
"We can do that after lunch. Okay with you, Mayaka? C'mon, Houtarou's been dutifully watching over this table all these years. The least we could do is give him a break just this once."
Mayaka's mouth twists before evening out into the flat purse of her lips. "Fine."
"What are you gonna do, Houtarou?" Satoshi turns to his friend and asks.
"No plan. I just need to stay away from here until the storm passes," Houtarou mumbles.
The weather outside is much closer to that of a beautiful day, but the first question that bursts out of Eru is not about this ill-suited choice of words.
It is: "Then, would you like to see the festival with me?"
And this is how she finds herself walking through the bustling, colourful hallways of school with Houtarou Oreki. It is hard for them to keep a polite distance between themselves, what with all the students rushing back and forth, frantically preparing to open their booths in time for the first visitors to arrive.
After the third time they bump shoulders because of this, Eru stops apologising with flushed cheeks and tries to focus on the intricate map that Satoshi has drawn out for her. Beginning on the first floor of the main classroom building, where all the cultural interest groups have set up their stalls.
"Thank you for accompanying me, Oreki-san," she says as they make their way through the sea of signboards and mascots. "Even though I asked at the last minute and all." She does not elaborate, because she does not want to go into the whys of it, because she hopes it is obvious enough to him.
Houtarou looks away as he says, "It's fine as long as you do all the talking. Anyway, it'll be harder to be found in this crowd."
Eru turns to him. "Are you hiding from someone?"
"Something like that." Houtarou must see the expression on her face dimming, because he is quick to add, "But that's not the only reason why I'm coming along."
Is it hypocritical that Eru wants him to elaborate? It isn't obvious to her, after all.
"I see. Why then?"
Houtarou pulls at the messy bangs of his hair, and Eru wonders if he's trying to hide his face. "Because you asked," he says, as if it was just that simple for him. She thinks his face has gone the slightest bit red, and it only makes her more curious.
"Should I not have asked?"
Before Houtarou can answer, they are separated by a pair of boys carrying a large painted cardboard backdrop for a haunted house. "'scuse us! Comin' through! Watch your sides!" they shout in turn. She finds herself standing on her tiptoes to try to see where Houtarou has gone.
Finally, after the backdrop moves past and Houtarou emerges from behind it, Eru looks at him expectantly.
Houtarou's face is definitely red. Eru lowers her gaze so as not to make him feel too self-conscious. But even doing this small act, even in the middle of the school's largest event and even with the flood of conversations around them, her ears catch his words clearly.
"No. You can ask. If... If it's something I can do, if it's within my capabilities, I'll do it."
Eru thinks that this is not news to her. This is what Houtarou has always done, hasn't he? In his own way, even with that endearing life motto of his, he's always been there to answer every burning question. And yet, to hear him say this now is different. New. She feels that it is something precious and something she does not want to take for granted.
Maybe this is why she hasn't really spoken to Houtarou about her problem, not since that day at last year's Choir Festival. Houtarou had been there at the very beginning, the first person who found her, the first person who listened. It wouldn't be fair to go to him again without having tried to find her own path out.
As they make their way across the sheltered walkway, finally reaching the entrance of the classroom building, Eru decides to cheat just a little bit.
"This year, I've been asked the same difficult question multiple times. Would it be cruel of me to inflict the question on you as well?"
"I've known Ibara for a decade. I think I can take it."
"Alright then. The question is: Do you know what you want to do after graduation?"
"Not yet. Maybe study literature. Or…" He hesitates for a moment before saying softly: "Maybe business?"
"Business, Oreki-san? I never would have thought." She can't help but smile at this, and wonders where this new interest has come from.
Houtarou shakes his head, as if shaking himself out of a momentary reverie. "It's just a thought. Maybe I should stick to literature. At least it's something I'm good at. That's where I'm starting from. What about you?"
"Something I'm good at… If we're speaking strictly based on grades, I suppose I've done alright in the sciences."
She has maintained her spot at the top of the list in their cohort, but even before this year, even as a first year, Eru doesn't think much of it. To study and remember the right answers is only one thing. To know what you wish to do with your future with the results you earn, with whatever passion you have to chase, she realises that there must be countless students in her year who are much more sure of this than she is now.
"Then you'll continue studying the sciences in university?" Houtarou asks. It is an easy question that should have an easy answer. She remembers walking along with him as the pink sunset in front of them, speaking so confidently about all her plans, perfectly laid out for the future. That moment is long past them now.
"I can't." It is a reactionary answer, something that she speaks before she can think about.
Houtarou raises an eyebrow. "Why not?"
"Because…" Now that she is asked to explain, Eru finds herself hitting a wall. What is stopping her from doing that? She looks around and realises that they've been hanging outside the building just talking comfortably all this while. "Let's talk about this later. I need to get started or I'll never cover the entire festival." She opens Satoshi's map again and buries herself in it.
Houtarou does not press the question, and she is thankful that he is nothing like her.
Eru staggers out from the crowd of students gathered in the auditorium, having jumped and clapped her hands for over half an hour while watching the various dance groups perform. Houtarou made a wise choice, opting not to join her for this leg of the excursion and to instead read a paperback novel under one of the big trees near the entrance of the auditorium. She finds him sitting in the shade of the leaves and joins him, folding her skirt neatly as she gathers her bearings.
In the distance, she hears the faint ring of a bell and raises her head.
"Ice cream?" She spots a small cart parked across the field where all the sports activities are taking place.
Houtarou follows her gaze. He tucks his book into the pocket of his pants as he slowly gets up. "Do you want one?"
"A vanilla cone would be nice." Eru allows herself to dream of this small indulgence after a whole morning of walking around. As Houtarou steps out from underneath the shade of the tree, she realises that he is planning on buying ice cream for her and tries to contain her excitement.
"Oreki-san, are you sure walking across the field won't be too draining on your energy reserves?" she asks with a small chuckle.
"Sitting down just now recharged some energy." He entertains her with this short quip. "I can spare the walk. Be right back."
She watches his figure grow smaller as he walks through the grassy patch surrounding the field and towards the clear ring of the ice cream man's bell.
Alone with her thoughts, Eru thinks about what she's just seen in the auditorium behind her. The way the jazz dancers move is the same way the karuta club members move and the way the pottery club members move. In all their movements, beautiful and light, she recognises familiarity and confidence honed by hours of practice and dedication. She is reminded that all she has in contrast is a passing interest and appreciation, an overeager spectator more than anything else.
She leans her head against the tree trunk and allows herself one heavy sigh.
"That was really loud."
Eru sits up and looks to her left and right. Standing beside the tree is an older woman with an intricate shawl draped over her shoulders and hair tied into a messy bun. Eru recognises her immediately.
"Tomoe-san! What are you doing here?" She makes room under the tree as Tomoe throws her bag onto the ground.
Though she has met Houtarou's sister before during a visit to the Oreki household, she can't help but feel nervous. Is it because she's older? Or the fact that she's related to Houtarou? Or that even though this person has the same eyes as Houtarou, her gaze is firm and piercing, the complete opposite of his.
"Hiya Eru-chan." Tomoe's smile is friendly nonetheless. "I'm here looking for my dearest little brother of course. Gotta pass him the bento that he forgot at home. Satoshi-kun said you two might be around here."
"He's gone to get some ice cream. He should be back soon." Eru gestures to the ice cream cart. She squints and thinks she can make out Houtarou queuing up for ice cream between a magician and a cheerleader.
"Aww, did I interrupt something?" Tomoe asks, cupping her cheek with one hand.
Eru waves her hands frantically. "Not—not at all! Oreki-san was just accompanying me. I'm on a mission to visit every single booth at the Kanya Fest!"
"Is that what teenagers call dates now? Missions?"
Eru sputters out a feeble, "Ah—no, no."
"Alright, I'll stop teasing you. You sound like you've got enough on your mind as is with a sigh that huge" Tomoe relents. "Let me guess. Is it about graduation?"
Eru widens her eyes as she scoots on her knees, closer to Tomoe. "How did you know?"
"Eh. It's a common dilemma facing all 18-year old high school students." The woman shrugs. "Except Houtarou. Can't decide if I should be proud of him or not."
Eru clutches her hands together on her lap. "Was it the same for you before graduation?"
"Nope! I knew I wanted to get out and travel the world." Tomoe laughs. There is an ease with which she speaks that makes Eru jealous. But she cannot say that outloud.
"That's admirable. I've begun to realise how hard it is to set your mind on something when the world seems so open. Or… when your options are limited." Eru pauses. "I thought that going through the Kanya Fest and seeing everyone doing what they were passionate about would spur me on and inspire me. A push in some direction, as Fukube-san would say. But it hasn't been working thus far and I'm afraid I don't have much time left. "
"What's all this rush for, Eru-chan?"
Eru looks up at the leaves and branches sheltering them, already showing the early signs of autumn. "It's because I need to decide before I graduate."
Tomoe tilts her head and asks, flatly, "Do you really need to?"
Eru is taken aback by this question. She hadn't thought twice about the deadline Omichi had given her. "Yes, because I need to apply to universities soon, and to do that I need to know what I'd like to do in the future."
The woman lets out an amused chuckle, and Eru feels her jaw clench in response.
"Ah. To be in high school again. Saying 'I can't do this'. 'I need to do that.' All these self-imposed rules are the worst, huh?"
Eru opens her mouth, but nothing comes to her. Her mind is blank. All she can say is something quiet and confused.
"Pardon?"
Tomoe's gaze softens at this. Wordlessly, she reaches a hand out and places it on the top of Eru's head.
"Let me tell you something I learned from my lil bro. Some of the strongest restrictions we face aren't set by other people. It's the one we impose on ourselves." She ruffles Eru's hair before withdrawing her hand. "And from what I know, you're a smart bean, Eru-chan. I'm sure nothing can really stop you from doing what you want."
Eru wants to explain to Tomoe that there is more to that. There must be. But she remembers Houtarou's question from earlier that morning. 'Why not?'
The reason why is because she hadn't thought that could be an option. But, her father never did say anything about what she could or couldn't study. What did he say that night? Wasn't it just that she would no longer need to take over the family business? Where did everything else, all the conditions and rules and need for answers, come from?
Even still, seeing things from this new perspective, it doesn't mean that Eru now knows what she must do.
As if Tomoe could read minds, she continues, "It's not as easy as I'm making it sound. But once you're able to tell the difference between the rules others set for you, and the ones you set for yourself—that'll be when you can figure out how to break them and buy your first plane ticket with your hard-earned savings and never look back." She grins. "Except maybe once in a while. Someone needs to look after Houtarou."
"Ha?"
The person in question is standing a few metres away, holding two vanilla cones in his hands.
"Why thank you!" Tomoe helps herself to the one in his right hand. Houtarou does not react and simply passes the other cone silently to Eru.
"Is this a repentant brother's plea for forgiveness?" With her empty hand, Tomoe rummages around in her shoulder bag and haphazardly holds out a wrapped bento
"No. I told you I didn't need it." Regardless, Houtarou takes the bento from his sister.
Eru, who has been trying to stop her ice cream from melting away, can't help but ask, "Why not, Oreki-san?"
"I forgot it at home and I didn't want her to kick up a fuss about it," he mutters.
"My heartless brother, who asked me to prepare his favourite bento yesterday evening, who I walked all the way through the pouring rain—"
"Light drizzle."
"—to the supermarket to get the very best frozen chicken cutlet on the discount shelf for, who I woke up early this morning for, was too lazy to walk back home after he realised he left without it!" Tomoe narrates this with great enthusiasm and exaggeration.
"I was already at the school gates. I told you to eat it yourself."
"Your sister was prepared to come storming into Kamiyama High and let you have a piece of her mind!" Tomoe raises a fist in the air before lowering down to hold her half-eaten ice cream. "But all is forgiven now with this vanilla cone." She smiles sweetly.
Eru looks up at Houtarou and notices the tiny beads of sweat on his forehead, from having walked in the sun. She tries to block out all the overlapping, messy thoughts buzzing in her ears. It is easier when she allows herself to be fond of this boy who bought ice cream for her. The feelings she has for him are simple and uncomplicated.
If she could take this feeling and hold it to herself and ask what else she treasures dearly without any preconditions, she arrives at only one possible answer. The sight of trees reaching towards the sun, the delicate sound of water running, the texture of young grain between her fingers. It gives her a sense of peace, one she hasn't felt since summer.
The cold touch of ice cream melting over her hands brings her back to this shady spot under the tree. She doesn't rush to save it, and instead turns to Houtarou and says, "I take it the storm has passed?"
He sighs as he watches his sister bite into her dessert. "That it has."
6.
Eru walks up the snow-covered steps to the Juumonji Shrine, taking care not to slip against the stone. The journey is considerably easier than usual, and it is because she's not carrying a breakable gift in her arms. She is not here to represent the Chitanda family. She is here to look for an old friend.
Kaho meets her at the gate, ushering her into the warmth of the house, not bothering with formal greetings. They retreat into the Juumonji family's sitting room, Eru folding her coat and scarf into a neat stack while Kaho brings out their favourite blend of tea to have during the winter months. As her friend prepares the tea, Eru watches her deft movements. Kaho is one of the few people who hasn't asked her about what she will be doing after graduation, and while she is thankful for this mindfulness, Eru doesn't quite know how to begin now that she's ready to talk about it.
It is no surprise then, that Kaho notices, that she raises her eyes from the pot of tea leaves to say, "What's on your mind, Eru?"
She places a familiar cup in front of Eru. It's a beautiful ceramic tea cup with cherry blossoms painted on, the one that Eru always drinks from when she comes over, ever since she was a child when their families would meet to talk business. Strangely enough, the cup would serve the same purpose today.
"Well, I've been thinking about what I'd like to do after graduation. Except… I wonder, do I really deserve to make the choice?"
"What choice would that be? Tell me." Kaho's words are kindly, not intending to coax an answer out, but rather to encourage. And it is the comfort that this brings to Eru which allows her to finally give voice to the thoughts that have been stewing in her head.
"To continue studying agriculture," she announces, then takes another breath. "Even if it's not what my family wants. Even if it was something that I was taught to love, rather than something I decided on for myself. Even though I was told not to."
She thinks about Irisu and Satoshi and Mayaka and Houtarou, about how they arrived at their decisions, and wonders what they would say about hers.
Kaho doesn't answer straight away. She fills their cups with piping hot tea, only speaking after she places the teapot down on the table. "Remember how when we were young, your father used to bring us out to the fields and teach us all about the crops?"
Eru blinks in surprise at the change in topic, but finds herself going along with it, unable to resist the tug of nostalgia whenever she and Kaho talk about their childhood. She thinks back to those days and remembers the hum of the machines first. "We would always ride around in the harvesters when it was soybean season."
Kaho nods, smiling at the memory of it. "I always wanted to go back and rest in the shade, but you never complained about how hot it got." She paused briefly to let the memory hang in the air. "There's no doubt that you love the fields and the land. Perhaps it began as a duty your father passed down to you, but you chose to continue learning, dragging me out there with you in the process when all I wanted to do was to sit indoors and eat watermelon." She squints at Eru playfully, the beauty mark on her cheek bouncing with the movement. Eru smiles at this.
They must be thinking of the same memory, of seven-year old Kaho bursting into inconsolable tears when Eru refused to stay indoors and insisted on going out to the blazing hot fields, even though there had been sweet, freshly-cut watermelon waiting in the kitchen.
Kaho continues, "And you're choosing to do this now, aren't you? What you have still sounds like a dream to me. I'm sure you have something you want to do."
Eru had been giving this some serious thought. "I know this land and its people are growing older, that we can't expect the crops to continue sustaining us forever without facing any shortages, that we need to find ways to be better farmers and grow better produce. But imagine if we let more children, perhaps even adults, come for farm visits and learn about the crops, and how to grow their own at home? Do you think they'd like it as much as we did? Don't you think that there's so much more we've not yet done here—what we could do to make sure this land gets taken care of?"
Yes, this land isn't special, nor full of potential, but this is where she grew up. It's where she wants to be.
Her friend listens intently, finishing a sip of her tea before concluding: "I think your choice is pretty clear, then."
"That's…" After the initial rush of excitement, it does not take long for the doubts and the reason why she came here today to surface. "But if I were to continue to study agriculture, against my family's wishes, what would happen then? Should I expect that they'll change their minds? Do I want them to? Do I work for another farm in Kamiyama? Perhaps my parents realised that I wasn't suited for this and this is their way of telling me." She drums her fingers nervously on the table. "... I was hoping that maybe you could ask your cards, Kaho-chan. To help me figure this out. You've always been so good at it."
Kaho gets up, and Eru thinks that she's going to her room to get her tarot deck, but no, her friend pulls her seat cushion next to Eru's so that they're shoulder to shoulder now. Then, Kaho turns to her.
"I don't need any fortune-telling to know the answer," she says confidently. "Eru, you're much more than whatever your family thinks you are. You're intelligent and kind and awfully observant when you want to be. You're good with people and you always make sure things get done. It doesn't matter what you end up doing, you'll do great in it because you're you, not because you have your father's blessing."
"You've spent your whole life thinking about what you could do for others as a daughter of the Chitanda family. And even after all the things that have happened to you this past year, you're choosing to come back to this. It might not be easy, but this is a choice you're going to make for yourself, not something that you were told to do. After spending our whole lives following the rules and traditions of our families, isn't this choice worth protecting? I'll support you, no matter what you choose."
Eru pulls Kaho into a tight hug and presses her face into her friend's shoulder. " You didn't need to say all of that. " Her words are muffled against Kaho's wool sweater.
"I did. You're welcome." Eru feels a hand patting her back, and slowly pulls away to dab the corner of her eyes with her fingers. She'd come here for advice, not for a pep talk, but it seems that's just what she needed. Trust Kaho to always know what to say. If Kaho, who is almost always right (even without cartomancy), feels this way, then maybe Eru can allow herself to feel the same.
"If I do make this choice, I wonder how everyone would react to this if they found out."
Kaho thinks for a moment. "Well, you know how our families are. It would cause quite a stir, but wouldn't that be interesting to watch? Remember how everyone reacted when the Tougaito family found out their eldest smoked on campus? Wasn't that delightful?"
'Delightful' might not be the word Eru would use, but it was certainly memorable, seeing some of the adults lose their composure at the last function. All these things that Eru had been taught to be improper and best avoided, they were only ever what the adults said. What reason is there for her to continue living by these rules now that she's been relieved of her duties, unless by her own choice?
"It would be interesting, wouldn't it?" She smiles at the thought. "But I haven't decided yet. I think I'll need to ask one last person for their opinion."
Kaho nods as she pushes Eru's tea cup towards her. "Alright. Just drink your tea before you go. It's chilly today."
Eru takes a sip. It's the perfect temperature.
She enjoys the warm bitterness of it, much more than usual.
7.
At the start of the new year, Eru gets onto a bus with a bouquet of chrysanthemums in her arms.
The Kamiyama cemetery is a half an hour trip outside the city. There are only five other people on the bus with her. The annual tomb-sweeping festival is three months away, in spring, but Eru wants to make this trip early. By herself.
As she disembarks from the bus, she notices that the small office near the entrance of the cemetery has finally received a new coat of paint. Before her, rows upon rows of gravestones stretch out across the plot of land, the grass still recovering from the cold winter months. She catches the strong smell of incense as she weaves her way through the cemetery. Despite the number of identical looking gravestones, Eru remembers exactly where she needs to go. To the west and then further on, until a young tree, smaller than the others planted on the grounds, appears in her field of vision. Though the tree is bare now, it casts a thin shadow over the graves before it, and it is here where Eru finally reaches her destination.
Jun Sekitani is inscribed on the gravestone directly in front of the tree.
"I've brought your favourite flowers, Uncle."
She cleans the gravestone with a small towel she pulls from her shoulder bag, brushing off stray leaves before placing the chrysanthemums down neatly on the tomb. She looks at the quaint scene, before shaking her head.
"I don't think I'm a very good niece. Even though I'm here today, it's more of my own reasons, than to pay respects to you. I'm sorry."
She clasps her hands in front of her and stands in the quiet company of the gravestones. Out here, the wind is a whisper and the birdcalls are few. The silence makes it easier for her to imagine what it would be like to have a conversation with her uncle now.
He wouldn't say much, always the kind listener. Usually only speaking to answer a silly question she had on her mind. What would he tell her now? Because he's no longer around, the only thing Eru can do is to remember what he's told her before.
Before highschool, before meeting Houtarou and the rest, Eru had no inkling of her uncle's past. Her uncle, who was thrown to the wolves during the student protests of the 60s. A different era altogether. And yet, Eru wonders if she can now understand what her uncle went through, even if just a little.
She remembers that night in her uncle's study, holding a worn out copy of the second issue of Hyouka and asking him what it was. She had found it while digging around the overflowing shelves of books. She couldn't read the words yet, but the artwork inked on the cover, of the vicious wolf with fangs bared and the rabbits, all turning away, save for the one in the center.
She was more curious than she was scared. Perhaps she wasn't supposed to know. Perhaps all was best left forgotten to history. But even though it had been terrifying, even though she'd cried so loud her mother came into the room to carry her away, even though she lost her uncle's words for over a decade before finally finding them again. His story is not one of a hero's, but he chose to tell her—and she chooses to remember it.
What did her uncle teach her? To not be like him. To not be weak. To become stronger. To not let things go quietly, without a word, or else she would be filled with regret and death.
She lifts her head from the tombstone. She turns her heels, leaves the flowers and her bag behind, dashing down the row of graves, nearly tripping on a pebble, until she meets the edge of the forest. She feels the grass tickling her ankles, the cold air biting against her face, and then she feels everything else she's kept inside for the past year. The hurt. The envy. The desperate search for someone to tell her what she should do, having to smile and laugh and speak politely through it all and to hope for the answer to come to her. And finally...
The anger.
Eru opens her mouth, and screams .
With all her heart and her chest, until there's nothing left in her lungs.
Until the air tastes more like spring than winter.
Until she feels alive again.
.
.
.
8.
It's already spring, and with it comes graduation day.
Eru doesn't move from her seat at the table, even after an announcement over the PA system reminds all graduating students to assemble in the hall. The ceremony will begin in under an hour, but she wants to stay in the Geog Prep Room for just a little bit longer. Just for today. Because it's today.
With her is Houtarou Oreki, who is reading a book, like it's a normal afternoon and school has finished for the day. Satoshi is, of course, busy with the ceremony preparations, and Mayaka is saying farewell to her classmates. Eru thinks she should do the same, but she prefers being here now, with this boy with the green eyes.
But as the clock overhead ticks on and the minute hand shifts, Eru realises that she can't delay the inevitable much longer. So, she turns to her companion sitting across from her and bows her head to say, "Happy graduation, Oreki-san."
If Houtarou is taken aback by this, he tries not to show it. He responds to her in kind. "Happy graduation, Chitanda-san."
"Thank you. I know I've said it a lot all these years. But I do mean it," Eru says, tucking her hair behind her ear. "If there's anything I could ever do to repay you for all the times you helped me. I would."
Houtarou considers this, his face a faint red. He puts his book down and opens his mouth to speak again. "There is one thing."
"What is it?" Eru sits up in attention, eyes wide with interest.
He fidgets with his wristwatch, unable to look her in the eyes when he asks, "Will you be alright? After graduation, I mean."
Eru can't help but smile, and wonders how much more obvious she must be. If Houtarou Oreki has taught her one thing, it must be persistence. And patience. Two things. "Shall we stay in touch then? So you can continue looking out for me in case I need your help," she says, chuckling under one hand.
"Are you teasing me?" Houtarou asks, sounding mildly betrayed. "You're the most prepared out of all of us for university."
"I'm sorry. I couldn't help it. Maybe because it's graduation day. I apologise for my joke." Eru clears her throat to show that she's being serious now.
"Thank you for your concern, Oreki-san. If I'm being honest, there's still one thing on my mind. I still haven't figured out why my parents first told me that I wouldn't need to take over the family business. Is it truly because I'm not suitable for the role? Even after all the time they spent teaching and training me since I was a child. Wouldn't they make the decision early if they felt I wouldn't be able to do my duties well, and save themselves the trouble?"
Houtarou listens to her question, but doesn't make a move to respond.
"I wonder then, if this was the final test. To see if they took it away from me, whether I would be willing to fight for it, to ask for it. Or... to see if I'd take flight instead. They wanted to see what I would choose, if I were given the choice over my life. Were they being nice, or being cruel, I wonder?"
The boy sits with her words for a few seconds, tugging at his messy fringe before quietly suggesting: "Why don't you just ask your parents directly? "
Eru cocks her head to the side, contemplating this question for a few beats. "I think it's because I'm still angry at them." She cocks her head to her other shoulder and says to herself, "Even after all that screaming, huh."
"Screaming?" Houtarou raises an eyebrow.
"Ah! I was just talking to myself." Eru waves her hands to dispel the topic. "But… it was worthwhile, asking everyone for their advice, trying to figure out my next step."
At this moment, the boy sitting opposite her says a phrase which sounds both familiar and foreign to her.
"I'm curious."
Maybe because it is graduation day, but Houtarou saying this does not strike her as strange.
"Yes?" she answers without batting an eyelid.
"What did you end up writing on that form Omichi wanted you to hand in?"
Upon hearing this question, Eru touches her hand to her lips in embarrassment. "Oreki-san, can I tell you a secret?"
Houtarou nods.
"I haven't filled it in yet," she confesses. "I could fill it in, I suppose. But there's a part of me that doesn't want to. Writing it down, declaring what I'd like to do in the future, all just for the school to file it away and not have to look at it after I graduate today. What would be the meaning of that? I'm not sure if I'm making sense here." Eru opens her bag and takes out the piece of paper, no crease or folds despite the year that has passed, because she keeps her documents organised in a file.
"Omichi will call your name out. Maybe not on stage, but after the ceremony, he'll ask you to stay back."
"He did tell me he'd do that." Eru says, remembering her run-in with the teacher in the hallway last week.
"It would be sad to be asked to stay back even though you're no longer a student of the school."
"I don't mind," Eru says with a straight face. She realises that she's never been called back for detention before. Does it still count if you've graduated?
Houtarou looks at her for a moment before standing up from his seat. "Here, pass it to me. I'll help you hand it in."
He holds an empty hand out to her, and the simple gesture reminds Eru of a spring memory tucked in between shoe lockers, of Houtarou handing her his club application form, wide-eyed and open mouthed. In that moment, there is only trust and perhaps a little bit of something else. Eru doesn't hesitate to pass the blank form to him, and wonders if this is how Houtarou felt back then.
"Where is Omichi?"
"At the Music Room. He's in charge of the band for the graduation ceremony." Houtarou's expression shifts at the mention of Omichi's whereabouts, and Eru adds, "Is that too far to walk?"
He shakes his head. His mouth curves gently, into the slightest hint of a smile. "No, no. It only seems right."
Before Eru can ask him to explain what he means, she's hit with an urgent realisation: "But will you hand it in blank? That won't do. You'll get in trouble too!"
"That's assuming he checks the form before filing it away. I doubt so."
"He would, wouldn't he? That's his job. Then two of us would get called back," Eru reasons.
Houtarou shrugs. "It's not like I have any other plans today."
Eru huffs and says, "Oreki-san, you don't need to trouble yourself over me."
"I want to."
Houtarou says this so quickly, Eru almost doesn't hear him. Almost . Her cheeks begin to burn, and she realises that being obvious is much easier when you're not on the receiving end of things.
A petal from the cherry blossom trees around the school chooses this exact moment to float in through the windows, and settle in the space between them on the table, next to the cactus.
"You know, you could save us detention by just writing something down on this damn paper." Houtarou says, his voice cracking even as he tries to change the mood.
Eru thinks about it once more, but she doesn't take long.
"Would it be alright for me to refuse? There's still a part of me that hasn't decided. On what I'd like to do, and who I'd like to be in the future. Is it fine that even after all the answers I've gotten from everyone, I haven't made my choice? That I'll need more time, maybe even years, or the rest of my life, to finally decide what I'd like to do?"
As always, Houtarou listens and pauses before he speaks.
"Chitanda-san, there are some questions that only you can answer for yourself."
Eru lowers her head in sheepish agreement ."And yet, I'm still looking to you for answers, aren't I?"
"No, not an answer." These words are soft but firm, and they make her look up at him. "What you have is a mystery only you can solve." She sees her reflection in Houtarou's eyes. "Can you do it?"
Eru holds the cherry blossom in her palm and thinks about all the things she's asked of others in the past year, from her uncle, and Houtarou, and most of all, herself.
The future is now a blank slate. An open field.
And because she believes this, in herself, finally and truly, she says:
"Yes, I will."