The Lost Love Letters of Cloud Strife

by Somebody's Nightmare

A series of unsent letters written from Cloud to Tifa, since the beginning.

Dear Tifa, Love Cloud

Everyone has left for the night, and Tifa stands at the bar, holding the envelopes that Cloud has just given her in both hands, staring at her name that is stamped in his small but careful print. He's apologized, and they've made peace with his absence and everything that has happened the last few days. She's just glad that he is home and that he is healed.

But she isn't expecting this, and when she looks up at him, catching the sorrowful expression on his face, the tears caught in his eyes, he simply nods at her.

"Go ahead," he says. "Please, just read them."

So she does.

[ ν ] - εγλ - 0010 | October 4th

Dear Tifa,

You're too good to me.

Nobody should take me or anybody like me back after what I've done to you. I don't know what I did to deserve someone like you in my life, but as I sit here in the office, writing this letter while I stare at the last one that I failed to give you, I realize everything that I have almost lost and that no matter how unworthy I am, I love you and I am going to fight for you, going to fight to keep you and show you how much you mean to me, every day, for the rest of my life.

Whether I live a hundred more years or a hundred more hours.

It's been a couple of hours since we got home this afternoon, after leaving the church. I know you're downstairs, doing what you do best - taking care of everyone but you.

That's gonna end tonight, Tifa.

I know you're giving me space, leaving me to sit here and comb through my thoughts. You're too good to me, Tifa, but guess what - I'm gonna start being good to you.

I've written you dozens of letters over the last few years, but I've never given any of them to you. A few of them I still have, and I'm folding them in the envelope with this one before I give it to you. Most of them though, are lost forever - they burned in Nibelheim, were seized by Shinra, or I lost them when I fell into the Lifestream.

But what I still have, I am going to give to you tonight, after everyone leaves. And after you read all of them, I'm going to beg you for forgiveness and I'm going to make love to you like it's our last night together on earth again, as if the sun will never rise and as if the moon is going to collapse, because you are the only person who will ever matter to me.

I'm not strong enough for you. I'm not good enough for you. I've tried for so, so long to prove myself, but I've always missed the mark. But now, I finally know the way.

All I have to do is love you, the way you deserve to be loved.

So that's what I'm going to do.

Forever.

I love you, Tifa.

Love,

Cloud

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[ ν ] - εγλ - 0010 | September 13th

Dear Tifa,

I know that you probably hate me. I don't blame you. I've been nothing but a burden to you the last few weeks, and I'm sorry for always getting in your way. I'm always late and I'm always fucking things up. I drink too much and sometimes, I forget to talk to you before I do things. I ignore the kids, and I know that really makes you mad. You're not the only parent in this house, you've told me once before.

I've tried really hard these last two years to be the man that you deserve, but I'm starting to realize that I'll never be enough, and all of my past sins are coming back for me. I stain and ruin everything that I touch, and the last thing on this earth that I ever want to do is bring any harm to you.

I'm sitting outside of the church in Sector Five. I've been sleeping here for the last two nights, though I spend my days on the road. I know you must be angry. I know how much you must hate me. I've been silent and I left without even leaving a note, and the more I think about it, the more I know how fucked up it is. But Tifa, I couldn't bring myself to write the words, and I couldn't bring myself to look you in the eyes and tell you the truth.

You are the only person who has ever mattered to me. I know that might not mean much to you after what I've done, but I want you to know that it is true. You are the one constant in my life, the one person who has always been there, going back to the very beginning. You've stood at my side through thick and thin and every up and down, exalted me at my highest, and propped me up at my very lowest. You've done things for me that no human would ever do for another, but you did it all for me with the love that a woman has for a man.

I don't deserve you.

I love you, but I don't deserve you. You're the only one who matters and because of that, I have to do everything I can to protect you, just like I promised. Even if that means I have to let you go.

I am at my worst, and this is an abyss even you cannot rescue me from. And I will never let you get hurt. I'd rather die than ever see you suffer again.

That's what's going to happen anyway.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for all the mistakes I keep making. I'm sorry that I couldn't keep our promise. I'm sorry that I couldn't give you the life that you deserve, the one that we both dreamed about when we were still naive children playing house, who thought white picket fences and baby carriages were the brightest parts of our future.

I only hope that you'll find a way to forgive me and find a way to move on. I hope you find happiness and someone who can give you it all.

I don't want to think about that. I just want you to know that no matter what happens, I always loved you. I'll never stop loving you, even when my body is no longer here.

I've loved you from the beginning.

I'm sorry, Tifa.

Love,

Cloud

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[ ν ] - εγλ - 0008 | January 22nd

Dear Tifa,

The sun is going down.

Sephiroth is dead.

The city lay in ruins, but all I can think about is you.

You fell asleep in my lap. We're on the Highland's deck, where you wanted to be, right underneath the stars.

There's no place yet for us to go. But there's no place else I'd rather be.

Because I have you.

(Also, I finally got to make love to you last night. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. Does that make me a pervert? I'm sorry, but it was really good, Tifa).

{words are crossed out}

No matter what, Tifa - I will be there for you, the way you've always been here for me.

Because I love you.

Love,

Cloud

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[ ν ] - εγλ - 0008 | January 12th

Dear Tifa,

I wish I knew how to thank you.

I'm sitting in the Highwind's conference room as I write this. I've been awake for about twelve hours now, and my head still pounds. This morning, the first thing I saw when I woke up was you - and as soon as your eyes met mine, I knew that everything was going to be okay.

My memory is still hazy, but almost everything has come back. You held my hand the entire way and bent down with me as we picked up the pieces together. You shone your light on me when we snapped them back in place, and when the pictures we recreated were too ugly for me to face, you held me in your arms and kept me from shattering.

Who would do that for a person? I keep asking myself that question, over and over again. I keep trying to figure out how you could give up everything just for me. Cid told me about the sanitarium in Middle, and I am too embarrassed to even look you in the eye, too ashamed of my weakness to face you after I let you down and broke so completely. But somehow, you never lost your faith in me and you never failed me the way I've done to you, so many times.

I wish I knew how to thank you, how to show you how much you mean to me and how much I appreciate you.

I wrote you so many letters, but I lost all of them when I fell into the Lifestream. Who knows where they are now. I should have given them to you. I should have told you how I felt weeks ago.

But I'm still a coward because as I am writing this, my hand is shaking and I don't know if I'll be able to give this one to you even after everything you've done for me and after everything that has happened.

I wish I knew how to thank you.

I wish I knew how to love you, the way that you deserve.

My lips feel different, Tifa. Did I kiss you?

I wish that I could.

I wish I knew how to thank you.

I wish I knew how to tell you that I love you.

Because I do.

I always have.

Love,

Cloud

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[ ν ] - εγλ - 0008 | January 5th

Dear Tifa,

I'm not sure what's happening right now.

{words are crossed out}

I promised myself I finally give you one of these letters, but now I don't know what to write.

{several lines are crossed out}

{the letter is unsigned}

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[ ν ] - εγλ - 0007 | December 31st

Dear Tifa,

I wish I knew what to do to get you to stop crying.

I wish I knew how to help you fall asleep. Watching you sit across the room from me, shaking and shivering, is making my insides crumble into dust.

But this is one of these moments where there's nothing I can say that will undo the pain that you feel. Everyone is devastated, including me.

But I know it's different for you.

I tried to act like I didn't notice, but Tifa, when it comes to you, I notice everything. I know that she was your best friend. I used to think that I was your best friend, but I guess I was wrong. At first, it made me mad, but then I realized, I wanted something different than that from you… I wanted {words are crossed out}

I wish I could take your pain away. Hugs don't seem to be enough to help this time. I'm not sure what else to do. But I would give you anything if it would just make you feel better.

Maybe you'll let me hold you tonight, the way I held you that night on the water tower? Maybe you'll let me kiss your forehead again? {several lines are crossed out}

I'm sorry, Tifa. I promise, we're going to be okay.

{words are crossed out}

Love,

Cloud

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[ ν ] - εγλ - 0007 | December 22nd

Dear Tifa,

I wish I could get up the nerve to actually give you one of these letters one day. But now I have pages and pages of them and I keep carrying this stupid little notebook around, not knowing what to do with the words I've put down on these faded pages. You'd probably laugh at me if you knew I was walking around with this and writing these stupid letters, but if I don't get these thoughts down on paper, I think I might explode.

But right now, Tifa, after tonight, I had to write to you to tell you how I feel. It's after midnight and I just got back to my room, and all I can think about is what just happened a few minutes ago.

First, I'm sorry that we had to come back here. You know that we had to, but I wish I didn't have to put you through that. I've been trying so hard the last few days to do right by you, to protect you, to try and keep a smile on your face. I made a promise and I intend to keep it. But coming back to this town that is so different and yet so much the same… I wasn't prepared for how sad or distraught it would make you, and the headaches I had all morning distracted me from realizing how much you were hurting.

When I found you at the water tower - I could see your boots kicking back and forth, your hair glimmering underneath the stars - I knew that I had to do something bold. I could hear your sobs all the way from the ground, and it was different from the last time I watched you cry, back in Kalm when I told everyone about what happened here five years ago. This time, the sound of your cries sounded so young and so far away, and for some reason, I felt like I might cry, too.

Was it because this was our special place? The place where I felt our hearts entwine, the moment that I knew I had to become someone who would catch your attention, who could come back to sweep you off your feet? That's all I've ever wanted, because Tifa, I {words are crossed out}

That's why I climbed up on the tower with you, Tifa. And that's why I wrapped my arms around you and kissed your forehead. I don't know what's come over me, but our promise means more to me than just what you think it does.

I don't know what it is, but I think I'm {words are crossed out}

At least you stopped crying. And this time, you hugged me back.

I think we'll be alright.

Love,

Cloud

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[ ν ] - εγλ - 0007 | December 15th

Dear Tifa,

I feel like I owe you an apology. No, I definitely do. It's my fault that you're upset again. I am the one who made you cry this time.

I don't know what I was thinking, bringing up those memories. Or maybe, I should have done it a different way. Maybe I shouldn't have talked about the parts that I knew would hurt you the most. I should have thought it through before I opened my mouth. Maybe I should have said something differently. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything at all.

But now I can't get the images of you out of my head. I can't stop thinking about you, broken on that catwalk, blood splattered all over the front of your body. I can't stop thinking about the way that I failed you, that even though I had promised to be there for you if you ever got into trouble, when it really mattered, I was still too late.

Seeing you cry is the most painful thing I've ever experienced. No, I take that back. Seeing you bleed is the most painful thing to me. I still can't get it out of my head. How could I let that happen? You mean {several lines are crossed out}

I'm so sorry, Tifa. I'm sorry that I let you get hurt but I'm even sorrier that I brought up that day and made you sad. I really care about you and I {words are crossed out} I just don't want to see you cry anymore.

I'm gonna do better, I promise.

Love,

Cloud

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[ ν ] - εγλ - 0007 | December 12th

Dear Tifa,

It's been a couple of hours now. I wonder if you're thinking the same things that I've been thinking, or if I'm reading too much into things again.

It's early morning right now as I'm writing this. You're still sleeping in Aerith's room. I went by to check on you, but I didn't want to wake you. I know you didn't get enough sleep last night, so I left you alone and went downstairs to get some air.

But I can't stop thinking about what happened between us last night, out in the garden. I know you were upset, and all I can hope is that I was able to comfort you the way you needed to be comforted. I think I did a pretty good job, what do you think?

But that's not what kept me up all night, Tifa. Last night was the first time that we ever hugged. Ever. It was the first time that I felt you so close to me, the first time our bodies were pressed together. I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I didn't mean it. I act like a jackass sometimes and I'm sorry for that.

It's just - when you started to cry, I didn't know what I should do. I was scared. And it wasn't the first time I've seen you cry - it seems like it keeps happening, and I keep letting you down. But this time, there was no one else around to comfort you, and you came straight for me and then all I could do was freeze.

But Tifa, as soon as I felt your body on mine, I felt like my brain had stopped working. I didn't know what to think. I didn't know what you wanted from me or what I should give you. I've wanted to {words are crossed out}

When I was holding you, for those brief moments, I felt like things were going to be okay. That doesn't really make sense, does it? The opposite is true. Everything is fucked up. Our only home has been crushed and Shinra has Aerith. The city is falling apart, my head still hurts and I'm still so confused about so many things.

The only thing I'm not confused about is you. I wish that I could tell you {words are crossed out} I feel like I keep letting you down but at least last night, I got you to stop crying, didn't I?

I hope I get to hug you again. You're really soft, and your hair smells nice.

Love,

Cloud

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[ ν ] - εγλ - 0007 | December 10th

Dear Tifa,

I wish I knew what to say that wouldn't make you run away like that.

(Also, I didn't give you my last letter because I'm a coward. It's still on the pages before this one).

I'm sitting in my room and I'm writing to you again because my words never seem to come out quite right. You just left, and I blew it again. I thought I was on the right track but maybe I just don't know what I'm doing.

All day and night I've been thinking about you. It started this morning when we hung out around the Sector together. I'm determined to make my own way, but If I'm honest with you, I'm still a little nervous to be out on my own. But you were with me every step today, Tifa, and I have to say I'm even more impressed than I thought I would be. You're so strong, so confident, so capable on your own. Everyone in this town respects you. I can't stand Barret, but even he listens to what you have to say. I noticed that whenever you walk into a room, everyone seems to stop what they are doing to pay attention to you. Whenever you speak, every ear is listening. I know it's been a while since we've seen each other, and I don't know what I was expecting if I ever ran into you again. But I don't think I was expecting this.

And Tifa, if I'm being really honest, it kind of makes me a little angry inside. Not that you're so good at just about everything - no, I'm really proud of you for that. But I hate the way that some of these guys look at you, hate that not everyone really seems to be genuine. I feel like people want your attention for all of the wrong reasons. I just don't want anyone to take advantage of you, even though I know deep down inside that you are more than capable of taking care of yourself.

I just wish you didn't have to.

I don't know what's wrong with me, thinking these things {words are crossed out}

But even though you're so good at everything and everyone loves you and wants your attention, I know that something is wrong. I know that you don't feel like you belong here completely, that sometimes you don't see eye to eye with these people that you call your friends. I notice more than you think, Tifa, and I want you to know that you deserve better than this, that you don't need to live with so much stress and anxiety. I've been there and I don't ever want you to feel that way.

It's been bothering me the last two days, but tonight I realized why it bothered me so much. And I feel like an asshole for not remembering it sooner. I'm still all fucked up in the head and a lot of my memories are missing or scattered, jumbled up in my head like criss-crossed radio waves.

But I made a promise to you, Tifa, all those years ago. Kind of hard to believe, isn't it? We just got finished talking about it… I wanted you to know that I hadn't forgotten and that it means as much to me now as it did back then. I thought about you all the time when I left Midgar, and I {words are crossed out}

My heart hasn't stopped pounding since you left. I hope you know how much you mean to me, Tifa, and how much our promise means. I know you said you're glad to have me back, but you have no idea how glad I am to be here. I promise you I won't leave you, because {words are crossed out}

I'm probably not going to give you this letter, either.

Love,

Cloud

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[ ν ] - εγλ - 0007 | December 9th

Dear Tifa,

I found this notebook in one of the drawers in the room you got me. Some of the pages were torn and scribbled on, so I ripped them out and threw them in the trashcan. I need a place to write things down because all of my thoughts are mixed up in my head and if I don't get them down on paper, I'm afraid I might lose all of them forever and then I really won't know where I'm standing.

Late last night - or maybe it was early this morning - is when you found me. I don't remember much of our reunion or our conversation, not until I woke up a little later in your bar with my belly filled. Those first few hours were so confusing to me, but I was so happy to see you again and so glad to finally be warm and full I didn't want to ruin things by asking you too many questions.

That was hours and hours ago, and the day has been long since then. I've been trying to come up with a way to tell you what's on my mind, but every time I try, the words would get stuck. And your friends - if I can call these people that - are always around, and I don't need them in my business.

Tonight we blew up the mako reactor in Sector One. The gil you paid me wasn't much, but I figured it would be enough to keep me going for a few more days, to buy food and find a place to stay.

But that isn't why I took the job. I took the job because you asked me to. Tifa. Tifa Lockhart, who I grew up with back in Nibelheim. It's been five years since I've seen you, but as soon as I laid eyes on you again, my heart beat even faster and I felt something churn up my gut in a new but somehow still familiar way. I could never say no to you. I don't know why, but the compulsion is strong and from the moment you first looked at me, I could tell that everything wasn't perfectly alright.

So I accepted this job and when I got back tonight, I didn't know what to expect. I was looking forward to seeing you again, I knew that much. But I wasn't about to overstay my welcome or ask you for too much. I was going to go find a room somewhere and try to figure out what to do next.

But now I'm sitting in a room that you arranged for me to stay in, and I don't even have to pay rent. You just left, not even ten minutes ago. My heart won't stop pounding and I don't know what to do, Tifa.

I don't know what I'm feeling. {words are crossed out}

I'm writing this down in hopes that I'll be able to give it to you later - tomorrow, maybe. Or that at least it will help me say what I should have said before you went to bed. {words are crossed out}

Thank you.

Love,

Cloud

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[ ν ] - εγλ - 0000 | April 14th

Dear Tifa,

How are you?

I just arrived in Midgar a couple of weeks ago. I'm sorry that I left town so quickly. The Shinra transport came late at night and I had to go or I'd be stuck here waiting another year. I missed the last pickup because I screwed up my paperwork the first time. I really wanted to say goodbye to you, but my mom said it was too late to wake you up and I didn't want to make your dad mad.

I've been thinking about writing you but I really haven't had a chance since I got to the city. I've been really busy in basic training, and there's almost no free time during the day. We have to wake up really early, clean up the bunks, eat breakfast, and then spend the entire day in training, aside from lunch. After dinner, we have assignments that we are stationed to around the barracks. And we have to go to bed at eight o'clock every night. I have a few more minutes tonight before lights out, so I decided I'd write to you and send the letter with the one I'm sending my mom.

But enough about me. How have you been? I think about you all the time. What are things like in the village? Is it quiet now that everyone is gone? How is your dad? What about your cat, Maru? I still have a scar where he scratched my ankle last summer.

Are you still playing the piano? I miss hearing you play. I used to listen to you from my bedroom window at night sometimes. You're really good, you know? It would help me fall asleep. I hope that doesn't sound weird. It probably does. I'm sorry.

Anyway, have you decided what you wanted to do when you get older? Are you going to stay in Nibelheim? I remember when we were little you said you wanted to be a teacher, or to own a dress shop or a bakery. I think you'd be great at all of those things.

I have to go now. I'll try to write you again as soon as I can. I hope you can write to me too.

Oh, I didn't forget about our promise.

I miss you.

Love,

Cloud

[ μ ] - εγλ - 1995 | January 9th

Dear Tifa,

My mom told me I should make you a get well card since your dad won't me come over to see you. I'm not very creative so I hope this is okay. I drew a heart on the outside but it's broken because that's how I feel.

I'm sorry that you got hurt. I didn't want that. I tried to stop it from happening, but I couldn't catch you in time. I scraped my knees real bad on the rocks, but my mom said you were in a coma.

I hope you wake up soon.

Please don't be mad at me.

Love,

Cloud

Tifa's hands are still shaking where she holds the letters in hand. She doesn't even realize that Cloud has come up behind her, that he is crowding the back of her body with the front of his. She doesn't realize that he's taking the letters away from her hand, and he moves the wolf-head from the ring finger of her right hand to the ring finger of her left.

"I'm sorry I never shared them with you," Cloud says. "And I'm sorry for the ones that I lost. I kept my feelings locked away, but I promise I'll keep trying to do better."

"Your best has always been good enough for me," Tifa cries as she turns around in his arms.

"Marry me?" is how Cloud responds.

She kisses him her affirmation, and he carries her upstairs.

"I'm sorry," he tells her as he pulls her clothes away, covering her body with his, their lips melded and his warmth seeping into her like the springtime sky is falling over her skin.

She is his for the rest of the night.

And - for the rest of her life.

-Fin