A/N Hey! so this is a one shot and before you guys throw things at me, I have to admit I'm not a fan of Harvey cheating on anyone, not even on that awful excuse for a therapist, but I couldn't get this out of my head and here we are, so it's ok if you want to hate me and say bad things to me, I can take it. Enjoy!
It started two months ago after she kissed him, they both knew it was a mistake, they both knew it was wrong, but they couldn't stop.
He kissed her back and pushed her against her desk, they were the only ones left in the building. Something told her to stop him, that this could ruin their friendship forever, but she couldn't. Because having him in her arms again was what she had been craving for the past twelve years.
So when he kissed her hungrily against her desk she didn't stop him. When his hand made its way up the skirt of her dress she didn't stop him. When he pulled the zipper of her dress down, moved her bra aside and took a breast into his mouth she didn't stop him. When he pulled his pants down, moved her panties aside and entered her after twelve long years, she didn't stop him either.
Which brings Donna to her current situation. She's pressed against a shelf in the file room, his hands are everywhere, his mouth focused only on devouring her neck, licking and sucking on her sensitive skin. She runs her fingers through his hair, loving the way it feels to be devoured by him.
"Harvey" She moans as he enters a finger inside her core while he continues to suck on her neck.
"Fuck Donna" He whispers against her flesh and inserts another finger, making her cry out in pleasure. He moves his head to attack her mouth, letting their tongues dance together, battling for dominance.
She manages to turn him so his back is against the shelf. She gets on her knees and unbuttons his pants and pulls the zipper down, admiring his bulge and knowing he's this hard only because of her. She pulls his pants and boxers down, freeing his member and strokes him softly before letting her tongue slide over the tip. He moans her name in ecstasy and in one swift move she buries him completely into her mouth.
"Holy shit Donna" He says as he rests his hands on her head, gently guiding her and setting the pace, she enjoys the moment, licking and sucking on his hard member while her hand massages his balls, after a couple of minutes she can feel him build up the tension of his orgasm, she sucks harder to help him reach the point of no return but he stops her, pulls her up and turns her around so she's pressed into the cold hard metal again.
He pulls her panties off and takes her legs between his hands, pushing her up against his waist so she's straddling him as he enters her in one move.
"Harvey, God yes!" She exclaims as he fills her completely and thrusts against her over and over again.
She wants to tell him how much she loves him, how much she wishes this thing they are doing is more than just physical, how much she wishes she was the one that owns his hearts, how much she wishes he didn't belong to someone else.
He kisses her and it's sweet and slow, a contrast to how hard he pounds into her. She allows herself to get lost in the kiss and to pretend even if it's only for a few more minutes, that he is hers.
She feels her orgasm building inside her and she knows he's close too. He doesn't stop kissing her, he can't, he needs to hang on to every second that she belongs to him, before he has to go back to a reality where she's not, not really, because it's just physical for her, she doesn't feel the same, and he has a girlfriend to go back to anyway.
He comes inside her, spills himself into her and kisses her again, savoring the last few seconds they have together.
He pants against her neck afterwards, coming down from his high because this woman takes him to heaven and back in the split of a second.
"We have to stop doing this Harvey, it's not right" She always says the same. Everytime they give in to their deepest desires she reminds him that what they are doing it's wrong. She reminds him he's no better than his mother. He never cheated before, but with her it's different, it always is, bacause the truth is he doesn't feel like he's cheating on Paula when he's having mind blowing sex with Donna, but he does feel he's cheating on Donna everytime he's with Paula.
He knows Donna is his soulmate, his best friend, his compass, but he can't leave his girlfriend, because she's going through something terrible, and Donna doesn't feel the same anyway. She loves him but she's not in love with him, and God is he in love with her.
"I know, I just, I can't help it" He admits defeated, not being able to look at her while he pulls his pants up.
"It's not fair to anyone Harvey"
"I don't hear you complaining everytime I end up fucking you against any surface we can find but you always do afterwards. So which one is it Donna? You feel better with yourself while blaming the whole thing on me?"
He snaps because he's fucking tired of her doing the same everytime they end up like this.
"I'm not the one that has to give explanations to someone else. I'm not the one cheating" And she always has to remind him of that too.
"No you're not, I am, and you know I can't leave her"
"It wouldn't change anything if you did, I'm tired of this Harvey, I can't do this anymore. If you need something else, something she can't give you, you're gonna have to find a different fuck buddy, cause I'm done" She sounds hurt but she has no right to be, not when she was clear about not feeling anything when she confronted him in the lobby after the first time it happened.
"Well it wouldn't change anything for you for sure" He retorts and regrets it as soon as she glares at him.
"And what is that supposed to mean?" She's completely dressed by now and throwing daggers at him with her eyes.
"It means…. Forget it Donna, just forget it"
"Yeah, afraid to say it, right? That's not a surprise" She motions to leave but he grabs her wrist, turning her around to kiss her again. When he breaks the kiss, he looks straight into her eyes.
"You say we have to stop every time, but we always end up here anyway. I'm not hers, I'm yours Donna, I've been yours for the past twelve years" She feels the anger surge through her veins, right to her chest and she pulls her hand away from him.
"You can't say those things to me and then go back to her, Harvey '' She hisses at him, wishing she could hate him instead of loving him so much. She doesn't wait for him to reply, she can't, so she just leaves him there, like every time.
He doesn't go after her, he never does. He wishes he could though.
…..
He goes home to find Paula waiting for him on his couch. She lifts from her seat to greet him with a kiss, one that he doesn't feel like returning, not really.
"How was it today?" He asks her and she looks a bit annoyed that that's the first words he speaks to her after not seeing her all day.
"It was ok, better than yesterday, worse than tomorrow, you know how it goes" She replies and he nods.
"Did you talk to your mother?"
"Yeah, she's not doing good, she's thinking about coming here to the US, so is my brother, now that my dad is gone they think a fresh start would be good"
Paula's father died two months ago, the same night Donna kissed him, he went home to end things with her, to tell her what he did and that they couldn't be together because he was in love with someone else, but she gave him the news before he could speak, and he knows how painful losing a father is, he couldn't leave her, not until she gets back on her feet.
"That's good"
"Everything okay Harvey? You seem off" Out of the women out there why did he have to date a psychiatrist? It's so hard to keep his feelings from her. He doesn't think she suspects he is in love with his best friend, but she does know something has been bothering him lately.
"Yeah, just tired" He lies and kisses her forehead, heading towards the bedroom to change into more comfortable clothes.
…
Everytime they do this, she goes back to a dark place. She wishes she didn't, but she can't help it. She's so in love with him it hurts and no matter how many times she says this will be the last time, she knows she always ends up giving in to him again, because having just a part of him, it's better than not having him at all.
She always knew she never wanted to be the other woman, she rejected Mark for that same reason. But with Harvey is different, it always is, for the very fact that she can't help but be hopelessly in love with him. She needs him, so for the first time in her life she decided to be selfish, and take what he's willing to give, and she hates herself for it.
It's three days after the encounter in the file room when she hears the knock on her door, she knows it's him, it's his particular knocking.
She considers pretending she's not home and she almost does until she hears his voice.
"Donna, please open the door, I need you" She sighs deeply and moves towards the door. She opens it and there he is, he has that look on his face, they probably had a fight, again, and he wants to erase it having sex with her, losing himself in her folds for as long as he can.
"What was it now? Did you leave the toilet seat up?" She mocks him because she's fucking tired of this, tired of him running to her everytime he has a disagreement with his fucking therapist turned girlfriend.
"She wants us to move in together and I said I needed to think about it" He gets inside the apartment not asking for permission and stares at her couch, standing in the same spot where he told her he loved her almost two years ago, but couldn't tell her how, and now he wishes he had, so that he wouldn't be in this situation. They'd probably be married by now if he hadn't been such a pussy.
"Harvey, I told you last time this couldn't happen again, I wasn't kidding" She followed him into the living room and is standing behind him, while he stares at the couch.
"I should have told you how when I had the chance" She looks at him confused, not sure he's actually referring to what she thinks he is.
"What?" He turns around to face her, looking straight into her hazel orbs, those eyes that hunt his dreams, and god how he loves getting lost in them.
"I told you I loved you, right here, and then I couldn't tell you how, I knew how, I've always known how, but I was afraid to say it, so you left and then I met her and everything went to shit. If I had been brave enough, I would have told you how and we wouldn't be here"
She stares at him trying to find the words, but she can't. Because if he's saying what she thinks he's saying, she should hate him. Because if back then they felt the same and his fears stopped him from going after what they were both craving, she definitely should hate him.
"How?" She asks once again and this time he doesn't hesitate when answering.
"Like the whole universe disappears when you're near, like I can't breathe if you're not in my life, like you're my everything"
"Why do you do this to me now Harvey? You can't change the past and now it's too late, you want to have both of us but you can't. That's not how it works"
"I only want you. Her family will be here in two weeks, she won't be alone anymore and I'll leave her" Donna shakes her head, not believing his words, he's unbelievable, there's always an excuse, and it never ends.
"Harvey please leave" She tells him determinedly, he can't confess his feelings like that, tell her they could have everything and then go back to her.
"Donna"
"No, get out!" He looks hurt at her outburst but he understands, he has to find a way to get himself out of this and he needs to find it soon.
…..
"I'm not ready Paula" She's hurt, he can see it, she's on the verge of tears but she doesn't let them fall.
"I understand, we don't have to, I mean we're happy like this, aren't we?" He nods confirming with his head but never with words. He's not happy, he's only happy in those moments he can persuade the woman he loves to be his for a while, even if it's just a fantasy.
"I'm going to bed" He proclaims and for the third time this week she tries to get him to have sex with her, tonight he complies. She said no to him, she kicked him out and Paula is still his girlfriend, so he satisfies her but he closes his eyes as he does, imagining is red hair he caresses and her sweet perfume that fills his nostrils.
…..
First he says he loves her but he can't say how. Then he says he knows how and that he always has but he's with someone else. She thinks they must be cursed or something.
She's waiting for the elevator one morning when a tall handsome man stands beside her waiting for the lift. She notices he's giving her side glances all the time but she looks ahead, not really paying attention.
He lets her go in first, and when she presses the 50th floor he turns to her and speaks.
"Heading to Specter Litt too, I see?" She looks up at him and really notices his very handsome face for the first time.
"Um yes, I'm the firm's COO. And you are one of our clients I assume?"
"Thomas Kessler" He says as he extends his hand for her to take
"Donna Paulsen" She notices how his hand lingers on hers a second too long.
"Oh, you're the famous Donna Paulsen?" She lifts an eyebrow at him, surprised he apparently knows who she is.
"I'm an old client of Louis, trust me he talks about you a lot" She chuckles slightly and smiles at him.
"I bet he does" Before they know it the elevator door opens and they come out talking and smiling, both immersed in pleasant talk, so much so that she doesn't notice Harvey heading for the lobby and they almost crush into him.
"Harvey, I'm sorry I didn't see you" She says and Thomas notices how her carefree nature shifts at the sight of the managing partner.
"No worries" The lawyer says softly, only focusing his attention on her.
"Harvey, this is Thomas-"
"Kessler, we've met" Harvey interjects, shaking the man's hand.
"Nice to see you again Harvey" Thomas says, and for some reason this is awkward as hell for Donna, even if she just met the guy.
"Thomas, let me get Louis for you" Donna offers as she turns to leave but Harvey stops her.
"Actually Donna, Louis asked me to take over, he had to leave for a family matter, I was just heading to the conference room myself" Harvey says as he motions for Thomas to follow him.
"Oh, is everything okay?" She asks, concerned about her friend and Harvey nods at her.
"Yeah don't worry"
"Harvey, I would like for Donna to be a part of the meeting if that's okay with you, we were just talking about my expansion on the elevator and she has some pretty good ideas" Harvey's jaw tightens because he realizes immediately what Thomas's intentions with Donna are, but he gives him a tight smile and looks at her who happily obligues.
She joins them five minutes later after leaving her coat and purse in her office. The meeting goes by smoothly, Thomas smiles at Donna all the time, even flirting a bit and she flirts right back.
Harvey on the other hand is in hell, having to endure this asshole ogling his girl and making her laugh, like only he could until they fucked everything up, literally.
After what seems like forever the meeting finally ends and Donna walks Thomas to the lobby of the firm. They talk some more and he kisses the back of her hand before leaving. Harvey is fuming but restrains himself from saying anything, he has a girlfriend, he has no right.
Later that day, after everyone leaves and once again they are the only ones left in the building, she comes by the office.
"Harvey, these files are for you, they are for the…" She doesn't finish her sentence when he stands from his seat and takes her into his arms kissing her with all he has. She doesn't react at first but after a few seconds she can't help but respond to the kiss. She wants to push him away, how many times does she have to tell him they need to stop this?. But she can't and she gives in again.
He doesn't talk, he doesn't have to, he just needs to feel her close, his mouth is everywhere, he kisses her jaw, and her neck while he runs his teeth across her skin, he ravishes her mouth the way he knows she likes it and he doesn't waste time when pressing his fingers against her center, making her moan into his mouth. He pushes her against his records, unzips her desk to gain better access while she attacks his neck and sucks on his skin.
He knows they don't have much time, so he pulls his pants down, lifts her dress and moves her panties aside to enter her.
"You're mine" He snarls into her ear once he's fully inside her, and she doesn't reply, she only digs her nails into his back, through the fabric of his shirt while he continues to push himself inside her.
She moans his name loudly and tries to move her lower half further into him, pulling herself as close to him as she can, at some point he moves them, carries her to his couch and lays above her, he kisses her languidly before entering her again, and she cries out in pleasure at the sensation.
He fucks her hard and rough on his couch and she loves it, she loves him, and even if she hates to admit it, she loves how possessive he turns at the thought of someone else having her.
They reach their climaxes together, she allows him to kiss her again, and the kiss is not rough, it's tender, like the one two people in love share after having a blissful moment together, but that's not their reality, they are in love but they are not together, not in the way they both crave for.
She pushes him off her and straightens her dress after pulling the zipper up.
"I'm not yours, I'm going on a date with him, so we are definitely not doing this again, go back to her, she'll worry if you're too late"
Her voice is cold, calculated, but he knows her. She's sad, she hates this as much as he does, but she's ready to move on, if things with Thomas work out she will move on.
He doesn't say anything, he doesn't know what to say, he hates himself for the way he feels. He can lose her, this time he can really lose her and the mere thought brings a tightness to his chest.
He's had enough, he can't do this anymore and Donna is right. It's not fair to anyone. He's in love with her, he finally came to terms with the fact that he wants everything with her, he's ready and he's trapped in a relationship he doesn't want. He'll be gentle but he will end this tonight.
….
He arrives home to find Paula sitting on his couch reading a book. She smiles up at him and stands from the couch, heading towards him to kiss him but he stops her, gently placing a hand on her shoulder.
"Paula we need to talk" She frowns at his tone, it's gentle but serious and she realizes there's something really wrong.
"What is it Harvey?" He motions for her to sit on the couch with him and he takes both her hands in his.
"Paula I… There's this thing that I've been dancing around for so long, way before we met, way before we gave this a try. And before telling you I need you to know that I really wanted for this to work out, but, I just…" He really is struggling to find the words, she's the first real relationship he's had since Scottie, but the truth is none relationship could have ever worked, because none of them were her. So as much as he wants to convince himself that he wanted this to work, he's always known it wouldn't, but he dragged her along anyway.
"You're in love with her" Paula finishes for him and he sighs looking down and nodding.
"I've been in love with her for the past thirteen years, and I'm sorry I couldn't tell you sooner" She lets go of his hands and buries her face in her hands.
"Honestly, I was hoping you'd live in denial forever, I knew you were in love with her around your fifth session" She confesses and he's taken aback by her words. She was supposed to help him figure his shit out.
"And why didn't you say anything?"
"Because you had to figure it out on your own Harvey, and then you stopped coming and I was already in love with you by that time, and a year later you showed up on my doorstep and I just, I wanted you so badly I didn't even question it" He leans back on his couch and rests a hand on his forehead, looking sideways at her.
"I'm sleeping with her" He confesses and she naps her head towards his direction.
"What?!" She stands from the couch and glares at him, he stands too to face her and nods his head.
"I was going to tell you the first time it happened, break up with you and tell you the truth, but when I came home… It was the night your dad…" He trails off and she runs her fingers through her hair. "I couldn't do it, but I couldn't stop either, and I know I should have, and I'm so sorry Paula"
"Oh my god, that was two months ago, you've been fucking that whore for two months!"
"Watch your mouth" He hisses at her because he can understand her anger and her disappointment but no one talks about his Donna that way.
"Fuck you Harvey! You should have left me anyway, because this is so much worse!"
"Paula…"
"No! You sick bastard! You are just like your mother, you are a lying piece of shit!" She takes a tumbler from the coffee table and throws it at the wall, right above his fireplace. Harvey looks shocked at her reaction but tries to remain calm, moving his hands in a calming gesture and taking a step closer to her.
"Paula I know I hurt you and I'm so sorry but you can't help who you fall in love with. I never should have come after you when my heart belonged to someone else. I was scared and you paid for it and I am sorry for that, I never meant to hurt you"
"I never want to see you again Harvey" He nods in understanding as she simply grabs her purse and leaves his house.
…
He heads out of his building and hails a cab, he gives the driver her address, he needs to see her.
He knocks frantically on her door, right above the 206, she opens and the look on her face shows how surprised she is to find him there.
"Harvey"
"It's over" Is all he manages to say and she sighs deeply.
"Why?"
"I went home and I couldn't stop thinking about what you told me, about how you're not mine, and how much I want you to be" She closes her eyes and looks down, not knowing if she should believe he's actually ready or simply overreacting to her having met someone.
"Did you tell her that?" She questions instead, needing to know if he voiced his feelings to someone else, to make it more real.
"Yes, I told her the truth" He comes inside and closes the door, she steps away from him but he catches her, grabs her waist and looks straight into her hazel orbs. "I told her I've been in love with you for years, I told her I never should have asked her out and that I only did because I was scared shitless of my feelings for you" His gaze penetrates hers, brown meets dark green and she can see it right there, his love for her, all the pent up tension and hidden feeling of the last thirteen years. She tried to fall out of love with him so many times, only to always find that she just can't. He's a part of her and she's always going to love him.
"Harvey-" She starts but he cuts her off, pronouncing the words she wanted to hear again for so long, ever since he left her home that night when he first said them.
"I love you, it's you Donna, it's always been you. Please tell me I'm not too late" His eyes plead with her and he's never been more honest in his life. She places both hands on his cheeks and answers him.
"You could never be, there's no one else for me Harvey, I love you too" He smiles and she smiles right back, pressing her mouth against his in a searing kiss, it's not a desperate kiss like the ones they are used to. Harvey takes his time savoring her mouth, caressing her tongue with his, stroke after stroke. He cups her cheeks and she holds tightly to his waist until it's all too much and they both are in desperate need for oxygen.
"Thank god, I thought I was going to have to duel Kessler" He says when they break apart. She laughs softly and shakes her head.
"You're an idiot" She says the words that have always been a code for I love you.
Now she can tell him how much she loves him and also how he is an idiot when he's being one. And she knows that even if the way things started wasn't ideal, she can trust him with her life, because he loves her as much as she loves him. He always has and he always will.